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It's in your dreams, it's in disguise, So you should try to free your mind

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:: 2019 20 October :: 10.29 pm
:: Mood: disappointed

The number one thing to do on my list is getting my tattoo fixed. I really need to see a skin doctor. I made a huge mistake by not consulting anyone about getting it removed after ten days. I wanted to make my own decision and it was the worst decision I have ever made.


:: 2019 20 October :: 1.31 am
:: Mood: bored

I'm finally able to blog freely without having to feel afraid of someone hovering over my shoulder and also not having to clear the history anymore.

I used to feel guilty about having a secret blog that my family doesn't know about. I'm separated from my two family members for good. They're not visiting and I will never see them again because they claim I'm disobedient. They want to know about my personal life and what social media websites I use. It's my personal life. I only tell the people I feel close to. I no longer have to worry about that because I'm not living with them anymore.

I have several blogs, but most entries here.

I always think about death because my mental health problem makes me dizzy. I always try to cure it by eating some sweet drinks and eating more. I never used to have this problem.


:: 2017 4 February :: 10.41 am

The end result for this morning was such a fail. I had baked carrot cake, I believe was Wednesday, but it's not perfect and I know that. This was something my mom wanted me to do since a year ago. To bake something and sell some bakery goods. The problem is that I can't get all the ingredients - either they're too expensive or not readily available. I also don't have much experience in baking. I could bake perfectly because I had done this before back in the states. I made red velvet cake that receives approval from my teacher and fellow classmates. It's no use talking about it now because I was 18 at the time and I'm not there anymore.

The carrot cake was not perfect because it had missed some ingredients: ground clove, nutmeg, cream cheese, butter, vanilla extract, and walnuts. That's a huge chunk of ingredients. I mixed everything by hand. And I also forgot salt. Anyways, I went out Wednesday and asked a small coffee shop stand (not sure if I'm using the correct terms, as these types of "shops" can't be opened in the states) asking her to sell the cake for me. She told me to come again on Saturday. The result: no one bought them. The cakes had ants in them. She gave me the cash, and said she didn't want anymore. At least I know that I tried. Now I can move on to something else.


:: 2017 26 January :: 8.24 pm

Things are starting to look up in my life. I thought of something completely different for work. I know that I can't be employed anywhere because it's long hours, short breaks and inflexible working schedules. The last time I was employed was at an english teaching facility. I overworked myself, and suffered from hallucination. I'm not going to say much about it because I'm the only one who knows something others don't. I feel better now. The Lord has helped me through such difficult time. I was going to let myself go and die. My mom wouldn't let it happen. Now I'm back.


:: 2016 5 November :: 4.03 pm
:: Mood: happy

My sibling resigned from work last month. The packing was done today. She got a new job already. Then left earlier this morning. Her job is filled with challenges. I really do respect her for everything she's done. I might not be at my best all the time.

Listening to The Sisters of Mercy's First and Last and Always. What a great feeling. My favorite band. Didn't like them the first time I listened which was 10 years ago.


:: 2016 22 September :: 4.11 pm

I have plans that may or may not happen, but I thought it through last night. I thought about it a lot, not just yesterday. In 5 years, I might go back to the states. But I want to go to another state. Maybe Minnesota because my friend lives there. I really really want to go to the midwest and I'm going to make it my goal. I have 5 years to prepare myself. Of course, I already have a college degree, so it's no problem.

If the Lord wants me to be there, I will know then, but if not, I will know also. The Lord God is the creator of this world. It doesn't matter where I go, he'll always be there.


:: 2016 4 September :: 5.36 pm

I felt better about my life, exactly today. I went to church, and I see a new crowd of people. It helps me to forget the bad part of my life that already past. This is exactly where I needed to be, with the Lord. Today was the Lord Supper, and it went by quickly. It's a new start for me today. Some things I learned about life. Don't believe in people's words too easily, don't be too kind or helpful if unnecessary, don't get drawn in easily with what you think is appealing, don't open up to easily or else you will end up losing more than you will gain, most importantly, don't let anyone take advantage of you in an evil way, if you sense there is something wrong with them, back away immediately and stay away even if it means you won't have any friends.

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