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It's in your dreams, it's in disguise, So you should try to free your mind

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:: 2019 24 December :: 9.26pm

No real spoilers...
But if you don't like personal opinions... Star Wars you say?
Read more..



:: 2019 20 October :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: disappointed

The number one thing to do on my list is getting my tattoo fixed. I really need to see a skin doctor. I made a huge mistake by not consulting anyone about getting it removed after ten days. I wanted to make my own decision and it was the worst decision I have ever made.



:: 2019 20 October :: 1.31am
:: Mood: bored

I'm finally able to blog freely without having to feel afraid of someone hovering over my shoulder and also not having to clear the history anymore.

I used to feel guilty about having a secret blog that my family doesn't know about. I'm separated from my two family members for good. They're not visiting and I will never see them again because they claim I'm disobedient. They want to know about my personal life and what social media websites I use. It's my personal life. I only tell the people I feel close to. I no longer have to worry about that because I'm not living with them anymore.

I have several blogs, but most entries here.

I always think about death because my mental health problem makes me dizzy. I always try to cure it by eating some sweet drinks and eating more. I never used to have this problem.



:: 2019 12 October :: 10.18am

It is immeasurably easy to ignore your problems with entertaining television shows and movies. Once the weed gets in there though, you're screwed.

I find myself so 'enlightened' on pot that it is sickening. I point out things about myself that I have completely ignored for ages. The introspection is magnified x1,000,000. On one hand, I hate pot because I can no longer refuse to participate in my existence. On the other... blissful ignorance isn't always the best.

I think we're lost because we see all the pain in the world now through a glass lens. We have to see the Kurds and Syrians getting decimated. We have to see the Uighur Muslims go through ethnic cleansing. We have to see the bloody protests in Hong Kong. We have to see famine in Yemen and destruction of the Amazon. We have to see children locked up in cages and people in places of worship shot in the masses due to racism. We have to see slavery and trafficking and abuse and addiction. We have and will lose many more rare species of animals around the world.
...And we can't do much about those things as individuals and our government does not find it's political or economical reasons supported by intervening.

We can also ignore all of these things after a second with another scroll and a 1-minute cat or dog clip online.

How are we supposed to exist in such a disgusting world?



:: 2019 7 September :: 11.34pm

You have to make your life what you want it to be.

That means I do too...

How exhausting.



:: 2019 5 September :: 1.09pm

I feel so far from the person I used to be. I keep looking at my life... all the things I could have done by now... all the time I wasted...

The moments I best used were moments I will never have again. I keep thinking back to childhood and having sleepovers with Anna and Lizzie. We would go to the mall and then find our way back to one of our houses and would play video games or draw or pretend.

Since experiencing it, I've been regarding college as the best time of my life but I think those years, despite the responsibility of trudging along in classes, being 12 was probably the best time.

Maybe I can vote for 12 and 23... because who is really counting?

I would love to make my life like that again - nights with rights, constant hangouts, all the other stresses of the world falling away with the giggle fits we would get into... But we're so far apart and so involved in our own lives.

Growing up is dying and the times we are the happiest end long before we have a chance to realize they're even there.



:: 2019 25 August :: 6.57pm

Having a mentor that looks you up when he drives through town even after not seeing you for the last 7 years feels really amazing. I must improve that connection. Maybe I will bake him something and send it over.

We never know how someone else is doing until we ask. I have to be better about that.


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