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It's in your dreams, it's in disguise, So you should try to free your mind

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:: 2018 18 September :: 9.42pm

When you're young, you find all these people to do things with. Your parents might set you up on play dates. Eventually school leads to more friends and you are able to get along and live your life with others.

At some point you realize all those people hate you or worse, don't think about you what-so-ever.

Sometimes I think about what would happen if I died unnaturally... If I was attacked and murdered or if I committed suicide. I think about how those people might think of me, at least for a little bit. But then I remember that they wouldn't be thinking fondly of me. They would either pity me or they would use my death to impress others. "Oh woe is me, my 'friend' is dead. Please give me attention." Then in a few days when that attention has run out, they'd go right back to forgetting I existed.

I have been forgotten maybe 5 times by this group of people that I see every week. 5 times that I know about anyways - there are probably far more.

Then all those other people I was thinking might be my friends are really only acquaintances... friends of 'friends'... or 'friends' I had when I was in high school. People who continue not to think of me.

I think about the people I've called my friends before. I constantly think about them. I wonder how they are doing. Sometimes I'll ask them. When I do, they give me short answers and don't ask me any questions. Or, I assume they don't want to hear from me because they haven't said hello to me in the last 5 years.

It's not other people's jobs to reach out. It should be mine. If I want to see someone, I should reach out. I did that for a long time. I was the only person who contacted the people in my life for months and months. And then I stopped. I stopped being the only one to work for it. And you know what? No one messaged me. No one texted. No one called. No one attempted to contact me in any way. Except for 1 person...

There are maybe 7 people I would say that have reciprocated anything with me in the last few years. 1 of those people manipulates me and makes me feel bad to no end. 1 of those people only ever talks about herself and has used every opportunity to make every event we've ever had together about her. 1 of those people has stopped talking to me full-stop for no reason I have caused (and people say no reason when they don't know but I know that it's no reason because the last couple convos we've had have been just fine). 2 of those people have not hung out with me unless I have initiated it but they sometimes will text me and of course will hang out with others. 1 of those people has severe social anxiety so we barely hang out. I don't blame her for this because she can't help it and she has always tried to check in with me.

And James is the 1 person who has consistently tried to actively be in my life... out of any of my friends. The only one who has called or texted or made plans with me on a consistent basis.

We're old now. It's harder to be friends with people because we don't see them every day at school. People have things that stop them from spending time with you like children or work or distance. I hate feeling like the victim of circumstances that are no one else's responsibility.

But when we collectively talk about plans as a group and you're the only one who isn't invited on a day that was not planned, intentional or not, it fucking sucks.

I have my parents here. I have my boyfriend there. I have my brother there. Anywhere I am, I will miss someone. Anywhere I choose, I'll be lonely.



:: 2017 4 February :: 10.41am

The end result for this morning was such a fail. I had baked carrot cake, I believe was Wednesday, but it's not perfect and I know that. This was something my mom wanted me to do since a year ago. To bake something and sell some bakery goods. The problem is that I can't get all the ingredients - either they're too expensive or not readily available. I also don't have much experience in baking. I could bake perfectly because I had done this before back in the states. I made red velvet cake that receives approval from my teacher and fellow classmates. It's no use talking about it now because I was 18 at the time and I'm not there anymore.

The carrot cake was not perfect because it had missed some ingredients: ground clove, nutmeg, cream cheese, butter, vanilla extract, and walnuts. That's a huge chunk of ingredients. I mixed everything by hand. And I also forgot salt. Anyways, I went out Wednesday and asked a small coffee shop stand (not sure if I'm using the correct terms, as these types of "shops" can't be opened in the states) asking her to sell the cake for me. She told me to come again on Saturday. The result: no one bought them. The cakes had ants in them. She gave me the cash, and said she didn't want anymore. At least I know that I tried. Now I can move on to something else.



:: 2017 26 January :: 8.24pm

Things are starting to look up in my life. I thought of something completely different for work. I know that I can't be employed anywhere because it's long hours, short breaks and inflexible working schedules. The last time I was employed was at an english teaching facility. I overworked myself, and suffered from hallucination. I'm not going to say much about it because I'm the only one who knows something others don't. I feel better now. The Lord has helped me through such difficult time. I was going to let myself go and die. My mom wouldn't let it happen. Now I'm back.



:: 2016 5 November :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: happy

My sibling resigned from work last month. The packing was done today. She got a new job already. Then left earlier this morning. Her job is filled with challenges. I really do respect her for everything she's done. I might not be at my best all the time.

Listening to The Sisters of Mercy's First and Last and Always. What a great feeling. My favorite band. Didn't like them the first time I listened which was 10 years ago.



:: 2016 22 September :: 4.11pm

I have plans that may or may not happen, but I thought it through last night. I thought about it a lot, not just yesterday. In 5 years, I might go back to the states. But I want to go to another state. Maybe Minnesota because my friend lives there. I really really want to go to the midwest and I'm going to make it my goal. I have 5 years to prepare myself. Of course, I already have a college degree, so it's no problem.

If the Lord wants me to be there, I will know then, but if not, I will know also. The Lord God is the creator of this world. It doesn't matter where I go, he'll always be there.



:: 2016 4 September :: 5.36pm

I felt better about my life, exactly today. I went to church, and I see a new crowd of people. It helps me to forget the bad part of my life that already past. This is exactly where I needed to be, with the Lord. Today was the Lord Supper, and it went by quickly. It's a new start for me today. Some things I learned about life. Don't believe in people's words too easily, don't be too kind or helpful if unnecessary, don't get drawn in easily with what you think is appealing, don't open up to easily or else you will end up losing more than you will gain, most importantly, don't let anyone take advantage of you in an evil way, if you sense there is something wrong with them, back away immediately and stay away even if it means you won't have any friends.



:: 2016 2 March :: 1.07pm

This year I'm less pathetic. I'm always honest to myself. I found a new specialty. Making coffee. Yes. I enjoy making coffee, but I'm not a professional Barista yet. My manager gave me this title.

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