I'm finally able to blog freely without having to feel afraid of someone hovering over my shoulder and also not having to clear the history anymore.
I used to feel guilty about having a secret blog that my family doesn't know about. I'm separated from my two family members for good. They're not visiting and I will never see them again because they claim I'm disobedient. They want to know about my personal life and what social media websites I use. It's my personal life. I only tell the people I feel close to. I no longer have to worry about that because I'm not living with them anymore.
I have several blogs, but most entries here.
I always think about death because my mental health problem makes me dizzy. I always try to cure it by eating some sweet drinks and eating more. I never used to have this problem.
Why does no one want to marry me? Am I not good enough for it?
I shouldn't even be asking myself that question. I know I'm not good enough to be someone's wife. The men that I've been with have indicated that. The first, obviously. The second, pretty much there.
I have grown up in a society that has told me that that's all I'm good for. I've learned that I'm not even good enough for that. The little I must amount to...
I could settle and marry someone I don't love. I could be Cath. When will this flame of hope finally die inside me so that I can stop moving forward and resign to my fate to never get what I want in life? I hope it dies soon so that I can too.
::
2019 13 June :: 4.27pm
:: Music: The Best of Me - The Used
Most of the time I think of wonderful, exciting things to do, I just don't do them because I have no one to do them with. Concerts, movies, trips... I've missed out on so much shit. Then I try to do stuff alone and the enjoyment goes from possible 100 to like 12. It's just no fun by myself.
I don't know why I moved to this apartment. It's empty. It's lonely.
I thought he would be here with me. I craved more so I thought having a place to stay together would be beneficial after the cost of those hotel visits.
Now I find myself alone almost all the time. It's not easy. It does not help with motivation. My depression is sky high and I don't think I can fix it now. Not without him around.
It's Woodinville all over again only this time I can't just drive 10 minutes to see him.
You know that feeling when you realize you need someone just a little bit more than they need you?