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the wandering thoughts of a mind without soul

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:: 2005 20 August :: 1.05pm

Well, it has been different the last few days. I have to admit it isn't as bad as it was to begin with. I knew it couldn't get much worse, I'm just glad it got better. I think if I would've stayed there the whole time during Welcome Week I would've about had a fit though.

My classes haven't really started yet so I cant say much about them. I've had all of them once and didn't have homework in any of them. The teachers seem nice. I think I could talk to any of them if I needed to - which I will.

I have my dorm as near to complete as I can before I have things to work around when my schedule gets busy. I just wish it was more "lived-in", maybe it will be eventually. My suite mates are really nice. Can't honestly say I know their names but, they're cool.

Umm.. I'm just getting used to it, I guess. Well, except for this new promise I've granted where I'll basically be sexless for years. I'm just kidding.. it's not hard to get used to it's just astonishing that I'm actually going to be following it through. I'm still not so sure of the purpose though.. you'll have to explain that someday.

9 mindless thoughts | satisfy your urge to clutter another mind


:: 2005 14 August :: 9.15pm

I think this is a mistake.

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:: 2005 13 August :: 12.25am

Off to college I go...
I'm trying to remind myself to think happy thoughts. I need to do some yoga.. or just some more alcohol.

Maybe I need to go back to Dr. Dumbshit Shoemaker so I can tell her how I'm feeling. Ohh wait, she knew before I even told her.. that'd be handy - wouldn't even have to talk.

By the way.. Dr. Shoemaker is the psychiatrist I went to today that said I was bipolar, clinically depressed, a pathological liar, and that I needed anger management classes. She also gave me prescriptions for five medications totaling over one thousand dollars per refil. If she wants me to take them that bad I'll take all of the damn things at once and solve more problems before they start.

Anyway, I'll miss you all.. be sure to keep in touch. All of you are smarter than me so if I need help with my work, I'll give one or some of your a call. Now I know why I like smart friends.

"you know the drill..."

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:: 2005 12 August :: 12.20am

I don't know how you do it.

I don't do it you guys *points finger to everyone reading* are the reason I make it through. Friends are all I have.. you guys are my family - my life. I'll miss all of you so much this year.

It seems like only yesterday I was an immature, drug addicted freshman with no future. Now I have all of you and I don't want that to leave anymore. I never had the time to appreciate you all while we had the chance to spend time together and I'm sorry for that.

So, Saturday.. regardless of how much I hate to do it, I move into my dorm. Someone is going to have to drag me in because I don't want to go. I just flat don't want to. It can't turn out worse than I have it planned to in my head. I guess that is good.. but, only if you don't know how badly it looks in my head. At any rate, my address there will be SBU, Leslie Hall Rm. 234, 1026 S. Pike Ave., Bolivar, MO 65613.. and my phone number is [417] 328.3462... other than that, you all know my e-mail and cell number.

Hoo-ray for the beginning of an expensive journey through hell.

7 mindless thoughts | satisfy your urge to clutter another mind


:: 2005 11 August :: 3.00pm

I guess I wont be having and drastic changes in plans. Everyone suggests I stay at Bolivar so, I will. I'll always think deciding to attend college was a big mistake for me to make.

I've come to another corner. This is where I'm widely known for throwing up my hands and giving it all up. We'll see what is to come. Not a lot could be worse than the way I'm feeling right now.

I don't even know why I bothered to begin with.. I should've known I'd never pull anything off.

I could say a lot in this entry but I'd rather not piss anyone off or disappoint anyone else anymore than I have already so, I'll leave it at that.

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:: 2005 10 August :: 10.50pm

...every damn crisis that happens seems to have happened
When my grandmother cries you know things are nothing but wrong. She keeps everyone else's hope up even in the worst of times. Now, she too, is having trouble keeping her head up... from car accidents to crushing family news.. we're all struck down - together. Jacked up karma, shall we say?

. I could take every fucking game you play .
. -and- blow it all away .
. but would you even care .
. I could take all those lies you said to me .
. -that- never go away .
.-that- never disappear .

Damn it - every freaking thing. I'm just frustrated and confused...

I just wish I could do something about everything that's wrong.
. now I see the times they change .
. leaving doesn't seem so strange .
. I am hoping I can find .
. where to leave my hurt behind .
. all this shit I seem to take .
. all -alone- I seem to break .

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:: 2005 7 August :: 12.50am

. forgotten thoughts of yesterdays .
. through my eyes I see the past .

This hasn't been a good weekend. Not at all. Not only because of what has happened but even what hasn't. It's just been long and seemingly hard to make it through. It was my last weekend to hang out in Weaubleau. The last weekend to see Mike acting pissed as he lurks around... but I'm tired of it. I'm ready to change my ways for good. I know I have better waiting for me somewhere.. someday.

I've been really depressed all weekend though. I'm just blah. I don't know why, maybe 'cause I finally realize what I'm facing. Also, the issue with my parents support -the lack thereof- has been bothering me going into the college scene. That's alright.. I'll either get over it or die with it. Either one will work. I have a feeling my past will stick with me for a while though. Don't get me wrong, I don't want my memories to go away.. if I did, I'd just might as well wish away everything I know and every ability I have to someone else because everthing I have has come from my past. It also helps me to realize and respect everything I have going for me now.. being able to clearly see all I'm lucky enough to experience and everyone I get a chance to know.

I'm saying too much in this entry.. getting all personal and everything. If any of you I speak to wishes to know more about anything you know all you have to do is ask.

I doubt this entry even made sense considering I've been drinking a bit and can hardly form a complete sentence without deleting it five times. I'll fix it tomorrow.. today, whatever.

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:: 2005 2 August :: 6.30pm

I don't really know where to begin. Quite a bit has happened since the last update.

I went to a concert last night... Crossfade and Dark New Day. Not too great. I left about halfway through and talked to Tiff the majority of the rest of the concert - a good trade if I do say so myself.

My back is really messed up thanks to a softball bat. If I live for ten more years I'll be paralized. Atleast I hope most 18 year olds feel as old as I do.

I don't want to be here right now... not at all. After having a decent two days without both of them I just wish they'd disappear. Why cant they be the type of parents that just drop the fact that they ever even had a child? Then it'd be easier for me to not come back.. knowing I had no reason and no dedication.

It was great to see you. I didn't want to leave - I wish I never had to. The house is really looking nice. I don't think I have the patience and dedication to do all of that work. I can't wait to see how it looks when everything is placed and organized. Also, you really need to keep me updated with pictures now.

I paid for my first semester at SBU today. I need to pick-up my books. I'm sure there is a lot of crap I need to do that I won't know about. Whatever, it doesn't matter anyway.

But.. nothing important or unordinary that I remember. If I think of anything I'll be sure to post. Anyway... I need to find something to do I suppose. I'm running out of pictures to put in my scrapbook already. My creativity is drained right now anyway. Off to find... something...

. make me into the one you want .
. into the one you need you bend and break me .
. you watch me separate myself from who I really am .
. to fit into your plan .
. you're cutting me in two .
. and ripping me in three .
. you're killing with those words you say to me .
. you're cutting me in two .
. and ripping me in three .
. how many pieces can you take from me .
. take it .
. whatever's left is only following routine .
. fake it .
. and give in to the thoughts that being bought is what I am .
. to fit into your plan .

I forgot to tell all of you... my count is now 35.

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:: 2005 27 July :: 7.30pm

I can't believe you're actually gone. It really sunk in as I walked away this evening. It's not going to be a quick 20 minute drive and I'm fixed again scenario anymore. I'm looking at these family pictures I took of you guys and it just knocks every source of life out of me. This will be the hardest transition and adjustment I've ever had to face. I hope things work out better than my pessimistic head tells me they will. I know I'm being extremely selfish... who could avoid it when they've had you around for as long as I've been fortunate enough to.

By all means.. I do wish you the best in your new home. I'll still be a phone call away if you need anything. I hope you take advantage of that.

Other news... back to hell at home. I've already cried once and I've been home an hour and a half. Strength just isn't in me anymore. I'm so emotional now.. the easiest to break. My father is being rough on me this evening. I don't know what I'll do to escape more severe injury tonight. I doubt I will escape it...

The real reason for not committing suicide is because I always know how swell life gets again after the hell is over. I told Evan last night.. I don't think I'll ever make it through my first semester of college. Too many things are hitting all at once for me to balance myself enough to handle them.

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:: 2005 24 July :: 12.55am

Tonight wasn't a complete waste...
I've discovered a hobby!! -That's the good news.

The bad news seems to be as follows:
- you're leaving
- my father is an asshole and he...
-------------- re-broke my ribs
-------------- yelled more than any human should at another tonight
- I'm the most confused person alive
- it's going to be another long night
-------------...and...as a bonus
- I get to spend all of next week with my family
[.keep in mind 2 thru 5 are nothing.]

So, make of it what you will.. maybe none of those things would bother you but, I'm bothered by them all. As fortunate as I am to no longer see the future as a complete disaster -credit goes to Tiff on that one-... I'm here to inform you all that I'm trying to see the best out of all of those seemingly insurmountable objects crossing my path to deal with in one way or another.
Patience, persistance, and adjustment at its finest. *points finger at self*

...blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed...

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:: 2005 20 July :: 10.35pm

My family just... it's hopeless. That's all, hopeless.

There was a pretty bad argument this evening. I left at about 7:30 because I was tired of listening to them scream at each other and of him screaming at me. I don't think I'm going to have a black eye like I had thought earlier.. it just hurts. Thank you for trying to help me out with that though.

Ellen, I'm sorry about tonight. I never imagined everything would unfold like it did. I'm really sorry.. hope you found something to do.

Other than that.. the rest of the story isn't important - it's nothing. Well, it's enough to lose sleep over.. but that's about all.

It's only history...my history
- my past
- my present
- my future

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:: 2005 19 July :: 10.50pm

Aww! I want one!
One of what? you might ask... well, that my friends is to be left untold. Someday.. someday.

Ahh.. the life and times with Tiff and Irv. The best time I could ever spend I would say. Without a doubt. Too bad the best things never last forever... but maybe they do, in other ways - unspoken ways.

Anyway, work-work-work.. that's what I do. I think about random things when I'm working.. some good..some not. Point is that I'm remaining random. That's just for all ya'll who enjoy my crap.

I really do think about a little of everything when I'm at work. Today I even had a brief thought of Christina Sutton. I saw a truck like her mother used to drive and off my head went. I'm sure thinking about Nina So led to another random thing and that to another. The process never ever ends.

As you can tell I'm in a good mood.. I'm sure it's 'cuz I'm here. Quite sure.

My head.. it's off in another direction before I finished that last sentence. I just couldn't wait for the period to come before I started going off on nothing.. what an insane person I am, eh?

Yeah.. anyway, enough of me for tonight. Now you can't say I never update anymore because I did. *thumbs up* Hoo-ray!! <--[yeah..its best we keep that excitement on the Down Low]

...and -Ellen & Evan- hope you two had fun doing whatever you found to do.. I miss you both.

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:: 2005 17 July :: 12.50am

Waving good-bye to Weaubleau...
I'm tired of this town. I don't want to come back here anymore. Weekend after weekend stupid stuff just keeps happening and I spend way more money than I need to be spending. I'm done with it. I'm tired of drinking and being around here. I've had my fill.

I just want to move to Bolivar and never come back. Too bad that isn't so easy.

Apparently Mr. Jack-off has a child and just likes to have sex a lot. I'm glad I'm good at picking the best out of a croud to take up with. Ohh well, I'm hopeful that I will find someone worth while in college or sometime in my life.

I'm really just hating a lot about life right now. I should just go throw up and go to bed so I don't harm myself any more.

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:: 2005 10 July :: 10.10pm

Okay... so, last night!

It was just fun. I find the most fun in times where you can just sit around and talk to a few people you really enjoy being around and leave your worries for a while. If you're not a person like that then you wouldn't have enjoyed last night like I did.

I bought $60 worth of alcohol. 32 bottles. 4 people... and Jack bought two. I think Angie and I put down the most. I was pretty messed up. Four joints were passed and passed again. When I got in to go home my car wouldn't start. Had to send Kenny to get jumper cables so I could go home. My father called me at 2:45 and was pissed because I wasn't home. Apparently my mother believed I was in an accident because she heard sirens. I don't like when people worry about me.

...then there is Jack. He's really cute. I'd say he's a good 6 feet tall and ripped as hell. Not the type I'd normally think about dating because of my severe lack of self-confidence.. I need someone a little more not so perfect. He's called me twice today though. I should've had my camera. The first half of the night I was calling him "the hot guy".. Angie of course knew who that was in reference to. But yeah, awesome guy. He lives in Bolivar too! He picked me up for no reason and I about threw up. Then I fell when Kenny threw an ice cube at me and he helped me up. Before I left he gave me a hug. Like it!

Anyway.. next time I'm supposed to go to Springfield for the par-tay. Vaughan and Mike are supposed to throw me "one hell of a party" because I support their drinking every weekend. So... can't wait for that! Maybe Jack will come?!

I don't know whats wrong with me, I don't fall for guys I just have sex with them. I'd say it'd be a good thing if that were to change though. That'd be a really good thing. Not getting my hopes up though.

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:: 2005 10 July :: 12.10pm

I feel horrible.
Atleast I had fun while the night lasted... until my father called me and I had a dead battery. Fun times!

If any of you are interested I'll tell you the story or I may update with it later when I feel decent and don't have a hang-over.

*gasp* Jack! I have to tell all of you about Jack. B-e-a-u-tiful.

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