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godessalthena

:: 2018 12 June :: 4.02pm

there isn't anything more than empty conversations filled with empty words.

I keep waiting for someone to save me. I know I have to save myself. I'm too weak. I'm too worthless.im too meek.

all these suicides in the news, and all I can do is longingly dream of the day that I might find peace.




my childhood and adult traumas have led me down this road where I constantly try so hard to have people love me and remain loyal to me. as a kid people told me I was creepy for trying too hard. all I wanted was a friend, to not feel alone,to maybe have the abuse stopped or at least have a sympathetic ear. now as an adult once I do find a friend I try too hard. I let my friends and lovers take advantage of my kindness, my generosity, my time, and I rarely get anything in return, I rarely ask anything in return.

I don't ask, because my needs aren't as important as everyone else's. if I try to cry in front of someone to maybe get a little sympathy, maybe not feel so isolated, I just get pushed even further away by harsh words of judgment. or they run away, afraid of someone else's feelings.


as a child I was cast away to the isle of solitude. there was no devil there waiting for me, a monster I could befriend. instead it was just an empty rock poking out of the bottom of the ocean, and here I still reside, waiting for the day I no longer count another day.

2 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 June :: 9.40am

let me paint in ultraemotion

let me set this thing to hyperfeeling

sentimentality is running high and we have a nostalgia super bonus saved up

just know that you did touch my heart deeply, I think about you constantly and I hope whatever pain is in your heart finds a little peace somewhere in this endless blue sky.

2 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 2.31pm

cicadas chripping in the heart of the day

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 9.50am

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 15 May :: 9.41am

it's a placebo kinda day

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 May :: 9.26am

every night I go to sleep optimistic that I will not wake up

every day I awaken to the same nightmare

the sets and faces change, but the feelings always remain.

worthless. lonely. isolated. absurd. pointless. grey. empty. devastated. crushed.

I'm just so tired, but sleep doesn't seem to rest my soul. do I even have a soul?

all I feel is blood and bone. no heart. no soul.

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 11 May :: 7.53am

I wish I had someone to talk to

4 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 10 May :: 9.47am

wake up
wake up

WAKE UP

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 3 May :: 4.06pm

honestly, I'm never completely honest.

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 27 April :: 7.09am

heading to Seattle this weekend to visit my best Frome I am so excited! last time I saw her we went to her best friends memorial at the state park it was very sad... this will be more fun!

we are going to explore whidby island! I've always wanted to go but never was able to. we are going with some mutual friends and their adorable twin daughters. I made some macarons which I need to ship off today, but the extras I'm bringing with (not that we need more sugar she went crazy getting me candyyyyyy)

my sweetie got a 2018 wrx, I have driven it once and I'm really jealous but..... I love my 35 mpg way more than his however many horses haha

maybe I'm too much if a grandma but being a passenger is scary. especially in the back seat.

1 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 23 April :: 11.46pm

all I really need right this moment is an encouraging word or a friendly face.

I just want someone to see me.

I feel so utterly and totally invisible.

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 14 April :: 9.00am

this birthday has been shit.

I want this to be my last birthday.

there isn't anything in the world worth this much pain.

1 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 6 April :: 11.58am

Easter dinner was delicious I will post photos soon...

So glad it's Friday, I wish the weekend would last forever... I need a permanent vacation

4 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 30 March :: 4.11pm

Everything is ok

Where does my heart lie?


godessalthena

:: 2018 23 March :: 7.10pm

I fucking LOVE Easter because my mom always makes my favorite dish: minty potatoes.

I know it sounds weird, but imagine small red potatoes with the center peel taken out of the skin, then cook until soft and mix with a metric fuck ton of fresh garlic and fresh mint and hella butter. It's all my favorite things in one dish plus mint! And then you put all the salt on. It's heaven.

This year is a special Easter because it also is my very special friend Jay's birthday! Turning the big 24! So proud of you man! Keep fighting the good fight and keep a stiff upper lip! Pip pip cheerio hip hip huzzah!

1 Feelings I can't fight. | Where does my heart lie?

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