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cjessicapyne

:: 2009 7 November :: 3.15pm
:: Mood: anxious

Death to the ladies first, then the gentlemen.
Last night, somewhere between my first beer and Casey coughing up blood all over me and Sam, something hit me.
I don't know what, exactly.
I just know that I felt.. hit, like something was staring me in the face and I couldn't single it out.

Every time Adam would make a smart remark, or funny quip, I'd laugh hysterically and lighten up like your typical girl-at-the-party-giving-hair-cuts-to-the-drunks.

And I look around at some of my oldest friends, drinking and laughing and singing around me, and console myself that whatever is trying to get my attention, it will never slip past these people.
My protection; my shields, my bodyguards, my dreamcatchers.

Because, no matter what, they have always been there.
Forget these so-called "besties" that pose for glorified photobooth snapshots.
Forget these amateurs that don't know what "anything" really means, but swear they'd give it readily for me.
I'm tired of them
and their needs
and their secrets
and their voicemails
and their take take take take lifestyles.

I have realized that I have given so much to so many people, who never offer anything in return.
No compassion, or concern, or regard for who I am.
You just want me to give you a ride,
or you need a hair cut, or colour,
someone to ride shotgun for you,
or someone to vent to,
someone to run to the store for you because you can't drive,
or you don't have a car,
because you don't have a job,
but you know you have me.
And that's enough for you.

It's a method called, "You get what you give."
My advice to you would be: expect nothing.
Exactly what you gave.
Exactly what you're made of.

There's a reason I don't answer your calls.


cjessicapyne

:: 2009 6 August :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: AFI - Leaving Song pt 2

Don't waste your touch - you won't feel anything.

Or were you sent to save me..?

I know what I've become.
I'm just unsure of what tipped over the first domino and started the transformation.
I remember wanting to be that fairytale princess, falling in love, having a big family, being that mom that wouldn't care about the stray dog her kids dragged home.
Yadda yadda..
I remember it all vividly.

I say "remember" because as vivid as it may be, it's not my perspective now.
Not even close.

Fairytales bore me; I've become too cynical.
Too analytical.
Princess? Try Queen of Attention to Detail.

And I can't see myself giving birth to a miniature me when I can barely stand myself most days.
No sir, not for me.
Not anymore.

Don't even get me started on the "L" word.
Agh. I hear the phonetics start and my hands are already up over my ears, and I'm chanting "la-la-la-lalalala-laaaaaaaa!"
Sometimes I have such a dislike for the word that I find myself groping my crotch to make sure I haven't developed man-parts.
Yeahhhh it's that bad.

I've become the antithesis of myself.
I don't want love.
I want to use you up until I'm bored and jump ship.
That's it.
That's all I want.

I don't want best friends, it's just another term for 'convenience' anyway and as much as I'm all about convenience, I'd like to be able to get rid of you whenever I please.

Sorry, but honesty hurts.
And honestly, I'm not that sorry.

Don't get me wrong: there's still a select few (three, rather) that still sit inside my private circle - but you'd be surprised to find out who they really are.
And who they aren't.
And just where you fall.

Right now you're thinking back to every conversation we had and every topic we skimmed across.
Why? I can promise that even though you're conjuring up the worst possible scenario, you're right.
You're wondering about all the times I called.
But more importantly - all the times I didn't.
All the things I never said and never will, but also all of the things I never asked and never will - because I just don't care.

We're all aware of the famous saying by the famous person, "You learn from experience. Regret nothing."
And even though I am well aware of the fact that I mashed a few famous sayings together and couldn't name the famous somebodies, I'll tell you this:
You may learn from experience but you'll learn a lot more a lot faster watching everyone else burn themselves.
It saves on regrets, too.

"And I disintegrate
'cause this hate.. is fucking real."

Light it.


c-ramon-otero

:: 2009 2 June :: 3.55pm
:: Music: Eat me, Drink me - Marilyn Manson

I agree.
I am bored. So bored I think I will take a nap.

This is the most uninspired post yet.

Oh, I also did a poetry reading. At the Hookah Lounge. I might be there tomorrow, to read more.

Light it.


c-ramon-otero

:: 2009 22 May :: 12.53am
:: Music: Testify - Rage Against the Machine

God Damn, I am that much of a loser?
Yeah, I am. I was supposed to meet up with a bunch of friends and hang out.

But I waited and looked and called... And nothing. So I'm sitting at Denny's. God....

Oh well, I have a little laptop and a cowboy hat, plus Rage is badass to listen to when you are upset. It's good to get you pumped when you beat your friends.

Oh and well, I got a new cell phone. So yeah.

I'm just gonna post it here for the 3 or 4 people who read this. >.<

(616)594.6119

Word to your mother.

Light it.


c-ramon-otero

:: 2009 10 May :: 3.21am

Is ready.
To leave.
To move on.
To make changes.
To make new friends
To spend more time with old.
To hang out alot more with my kid bro.
To start making music and really hear it again.

I'm ready to be free again.

5 Bridges burned.s | Light it.


c-ramon-otero

:: 2009 1 May :: 10.23am

I know everyone has problems. We all do. I know this.
I let my problems control my life. My past. I've let it ruin me. For far too long.
I was let it depress me and scare me. I've been at a stand still for ages.
I've always thought that actual happiness was out of my reach. I would try but fail.
And something that's never happened before. I snapped.
I was angry. At myself. My past. My life. It wasn't sadness. It was fury. Rage at myself.
For being so weak. And someone I actually care about saw that. And for that I'm sorry.

I decided that I had to leave the past behind me. But I started to think, "I am this way cause my past, so I can't change who I am." And I grew depressed. Like really.
For the first time in years, I just thought of ending it.

But, I got advice for a black guy and you know, it was actually good.
I'm ready. I'm ready to fix myself. And to fix what I've done.

2 Bridges burned.s | Light it.


c-ramon-otero

:: 2009 20 April :: 10.15pm
:: Music: Plug in Baby - Muse

I'm ready to consume.
Soooooooo, promotions are stressful as shit... No surprise there though.

Holy shit though, did not realize that I have been single for a year pretty much now. Man, time flies when you work third shift and have good friends.

Though living at home is a bit of a drag, the lack of bills is pretty badass.

Band stuff - Going pretty good. Josh and Scott want to start a band with me and Jimmy, Rabbit Hat Habitat. Kinda fun ridiculous music, with a hint of country.

Oh anywho, been really chilled lately, which is a nice change. Though I think you can tell that I'm still as scatterbrained as always. Nothing wrong with that, though when I'm trying to tell the servers what it is exactly I want them to do.

I do so enjoy being artistic again.




I love Kingdom Hearts II and Fire Emblem.


Oh I was told I was going to hell for smoking a cigarette that had, "I AM GOD. Forever", written on it. Oh I savored that.

Light it.

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