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:: 2003 28 August :: 12.05 am

Well my site is up and running... I think I've gotten almost everyone into it now... I've gotta look at who I've got still and try to remember anyone I may have forgotten. If you haven't recieved an e-mail from me, let me know.

I love you all, and miss you greatly.

:: 2003 24 August :: 1.32 pm
:: Mood: I don't know... I can't put it into words...

I need someone... I need to be able to hold someone, to be held myself. It is as though the one thing I need most has been ripped from my grasp... and though I desperately want it back... I know I can't have it. I know some are going to be mad at m wording, thinking I'm calling Rachel and it, but it is not her I'm referring to... but her love. I need to feel loved... and right now, I don't. I know you guys all love me in your own ways... but that's not the kind of love I need right now. I need someone to sit on my lap, and allow me to wrap my arms around her while she does the same to me...

I love you all.

:: 2003 21 August :: 11.41 pm

Sorry I got offline Rachel.. I just so tired. Must sleep.
Sweet dreams all. Hope you sleep well.

"You are free to sever the chains of Fate that bind you."

I love you all.

:: 2003 19 August :: 6.11 pm
:: Mood: Lonely and hurt

It hurts so badly.
To know you have to see her with someone else
To know you don't matter anymore
To worry you wont get her back
I was told I should find another girl
and try to make Rachel jealous
But I don't want to do that.
I don't want her to feel that pain
though I'm not sure she would
The pain of watching the one you love most
not want to be with you
and want someone else instead
I wish I could have done things different
that I would still have her
But life isn't fair...
Still... I want her back and can't wait till I find out
Wether I still have a chance or not...
Untill then... I need to be held.
At least until I heal.
I need to feel loved
I need to have soothing things whispered in my ear
To not have someone care if I snuggle right up to them
I need a girl to be close to me...
And especially not mind if I am holding her and I lay my head on her shoulder... or stomach.
I just need someone.
But not anyone
I need the someone just for me.
But I can't have her now.
I shall hold on though
It's not like I have a choice
My normal pain release...
I can't use anymore
Too many people would do the same
just to try to teach me a lesson
The thing is...
They don't understand
That isn't just trying to hurt myself...
It is only used when I need to release mental pain
I don't have any other way.
I love you all.

:: 2003 18 August :: 2.45 pm
:: Mood: Lonely

Can someone hold me?

:: 2003 18 August :: 12.58 am


Looks like I'm available... Any Takers?
Lol Don't all of you jump me at once... ^.~

I love you all.

:: 2003 16 August :: 1.09 am

I'm sorry Rachel... I should have been more careful. I hope she didn't see that, and you can kill me if she did.

:: 2003 15 August :: 11.14 pm

I love

In a dream I could see
you are not far away.
Anytime, Anyplace.
I can see your face.
You're that special one
that I have been waiting for
and I hope you're looking for
someone like me.
In my dreams
I can hear you calling me.
In the night,
everything's so sweet.
In your eyes
I feel there's so much inside.
*[guy & girl]
In the nights, dream delight;
I want to see you standing there.
In the nights, dream delight;
I've found someone who really cares.
In the nights, dream delight;
I want to see your smile again.
In the nights, dream delight;
You're the one I waited for.
In a dream we can do
everything we want to
There's no where I'd rather be
but here with you.
The stars above light the way
only for you and I.
I'm so glad I've found the one
I've been looking for.
Keep the dream.
(Keep the dream)
Of the one you're hoping for
Love can come through an open door.
Just be strong.
(Just be strong)
And you're sure to find the one,
the one, the one, the one.
*[repeat chorus]

[guy & girl]
(woo woh woo)
In the nights (in the nights), dream delight (delight);
I want to see you standing there
[girl]:(see you standing there)
In the nights...
I've found someone who really cares
[guy]:(oh woh yeah).
In the nights...
I want to see you smile again
[girl]:(hey yeaha).
In the nights...
You're the one I waited for (the one, the one, woo ho).
In the night (yeah baby) delight.
[guy]:You and me,
[girl]:we can be,
together forever.
In the nights (delight)
(Baby, Oh woh, Yeah, yeah)
In the nights
dream delight (delight).
[girl]:I found someone,
[guy]:I found my love in the night,
[guy]:In that dream with you girl
[girl]:You're the one I waited for.
[guy]:I dream, I dream, I dream, I dream, and you know.
[girl]:(yeah yeah)
[guy]:(wooh ooh; yeah, yeah, yeah)

:: 2003 15 August :: 9.59 pm
:: Mood: Hurt

I lost the girl I love more than anything to my friend. It hurts a lot, but I can live with it, as I stand a chance of getting her back afterwards. She also said she needs "me" time, but still wants to help me not to hurt so badly. I try to respect her wish to give her time, but I don't know what to do. I want to help, but I cannot do anything but stay away. That hurts way too much to follow completely. I need council on the matter, as I have no clue what the hell I should do. I need to be with her, but at the same time I know she doesn't want me around. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do. I guess I should just keep writing for a little while in hopes that the idea will either come to me, or I'll leave enough info that someone else can offer a suggestion. Here goes:

Today I went over to Rachel's at quarter after 10 in the morning, and woke her up as per her request. I didn't know how long I could stay, as I didn't have permission in the first place. I had been hurting since this morning, or was it intense longing? I don't know, they both hurt about the same way. Anyways, after she woke up, we snuggled on her couch for a little while, and things were normal for us, then when we got on the computer, I tried to kiss her on the cheek, but she pulled away. I asked her what was up, she said she didn't want me to kiss her anymore because it felt like she was betraying Nick. I can't lie... that hurt alot. I did distance myself like her journal said, though not intentionally. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing, so I just wouldn't do anything. I sat there for a few minutes, then looked at my watch. It was 1:30 and I figured I should go. I got up, siad I had to go, and left. I didn't say goodbye, which I called and appologized for after I got home, nor did I try to give Rachel a hug. I'm also sorry for that, since I don't know how much longer I'll be allowed to hug her. I just hurt so much right now... and I'm not sure if I feel betrayed or just lonely. It may be surprising to some, but I would rather be betrayed than lonely. Loneliness hurts me way too much, and I wish more people were home so I could talk to someone. too bad Rachel was out with Nick and Ben, Ben's family is camping so he's staying at Nick's, I'm afraid to talk to Nick about this cause I don't want to hurt things, Jackie up north... I think, Dunno anyone elses number but Katie's and Kristy's, and they were both leaving or busy.... Oh yeah, BenG is currently staying at a friend's house because of his older brother's move to Houghton for college. Well I've rambled enough to make most not read this... I'll shut up now.

I love you, no matter what. Please come back to me someday...

I love the rest of you too. Please don't forget about me and if you want to call, just e-mail me.


:: 2003 13 August :: 1.20 am

I've created a second journal which I've sent the address to a select few. I've recieved word from them that they promise to play dumb and not know where it is. This ensures nobody but the ones I choose can read my thoughts anymore... I'm sorry.

I love you all.

:: 2003 11 August :: 5.04 pm

You win...

:: 2003 11 August :: 2.20 am
:: Mood: Fighting tears

My prayer.

I know I've not come to you much, but I need your infinite wisdom and guidance now. I may lose the one I love most, and I need your love to keep me going. I am losing all hope in being happy again. I need to find something to grasp soon, lest I be lost forever. I need you to help me remain strong, to keep going even though I may have to watch the one I love most in the arms of another guy. It cannot be helped, but I want her to be happy. I just cannot bring myself to free her unless I am sure it is what she wants. I ask for guidance, and strength. I thank you for watching over me and those I love.
In Jesus' name,

I don't want to lose you, but if I must, be happy, I beg of you. You will always be allowed to return, it is not like I shall find another, nor will I look for hope of your return. I may need you with me, but do not let that stop you from seeking happiness. I am not worth the pain you would recieve from giving up something if you want it that badly.

I love you so much.
I love you all.
Lord, give me strength to keep that blade away.

((Those who comment... Be nice))

:: 2003 31 July :: 10.17 am

Well it's been a while since I updated, so I should probably do so.

Rachel and I clebrated our 6 month anniversary on Tuesday. Dispite our efforts, it wasn't as special as we had hoped. In the end, I upset her... but we got it all taken care of. She knows I love her very much, and she forgave me.

I finally got an airsoft gun!!! Sniper Rifle!!!! It rocks. I think I'll stick to the shells for now, but in combat the guns tendancy to multi fire when I direct load the BBs could come in handy.

Well that's about all I have to say. Take care everyone.

I love you.

:: 2003 16 July :: 11.22 pm

Rachel... I'm sorry I didn't call sweety... I'm spending the night at Benoit's house, and you know I hate using the phone at other people's houses. I'll try to come see you tomorrow. I love you.

:: 2003 3 July :: 5.28 pm

You represent... apathy.
You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as

What feeling do you represent?
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