home | profile | guestbook


Bohemain Rhapsody

recent entries | past entries


jus4fun06

:: 2012 7 April :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: melancholy

I hold a cup of green tea in my hands. The warmth stimulates my palms, sends goosebumps up and down my arms. I hover into the warmth, over this little soure of heat. It makes me feel. Lets me know im still here. It creates a moment of silence in my life. In the shower, I scratch my skin and let the scalding water burn across the pink lines. That same tingling sensation. I like it. It comforts me and leaves no questioning marks. It is pain and I delve in every second of it.

I know everyone wants me to give up. I know everyone says Ill be better soon. I know everyone thinks that I will reflect upon this time and be like, what was I thinking. But I have my doubts. I dont give up. I dont abandon my dreams. I dont allow let people tell me I cant do something. Thats what drives me. Thats what forces me to reach beyond what others do. I cant be stopped. I cant be told no. I wont accept it. Thats why this is soooo hard. So hard to let go of something I fought so hard for. So hard to give up on something that made happy. So hard. So hard. And Im sorry. Not only am I letting you all down, I am letting myself down.

I feel so foolish. Foolish to waste my time with something. Foolish to still be hung up on this. Foolish to believe that what was felt was real. That someone would actually have me in their thoughts from the moment they woke up until they fell asleep. Someone would make me feel the way I did. That I could connect so strongly and quickly to another. I refuse to believe its done. I refuse to believe he has nothing left. I refuse to believe it was all for naught. Thats where the foolish part comes in. This is where I am dumb beyond reason. I think its because he has parts of me that I never really gave to another. He has pieces of me and now they are left in unstable hands.

Cant break me down | bury me bury me | I am finished with you you you you | Look in my eyes | youre killing me killing me | all I wanted was you | Cant break me down break me down

I keep thinking about how I messed it all up. I fucked everything up beyond fixable. It is all my fault. I destroyed my own happiness. And I am only making it worse when I try to make it better. I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed someone to see how emotionally unstable I am. I allowed someone to see the worst side of me. I allowed him to see my scars and my stress that I never share with anyone. There would be nights when I would go to parties with him. He would make me so nervous so I would drink more than I normally do to deal with it. Then A started insisting he take her to the parties. So he would bring her. I would watch the two together. Watch as she would cuddle close to him. Watch as she hugged him or ran her fingers through his hair. Then I would get jealous. I would get frustrated. I would get angry. Angry at him. At her. At myself for believing him. I would hate the situation I put myself in. I would text him.

This was the time when my life was falling apart. My fiance and I were done. I had to move out of my apartment and back with my rents. I had quit my job to move to MD and I was no longer moving to MD but staying in PA. I had no money. My car died. I had stress from my parents, my ex, the loan company... I felt hopeless, alone, angry that my life was unraveling before my very eyes. Now, I had debated my relationship with my ex before I met R, but R helped me affirm what I knew inside. He brought it to the surface, it was always inside me. However, he is still part responsible for my relationship ending. And for him to keep me a secret, not leave A and to have to ignore him in public was just too much stress. I took it out on him. I did. I admit it. And I know that is not the way you treat someone you care about. And for that I am beyond wrong.

I would say things like I was better than her. I could do X, Y, & Z better than she and he knew it. I would tell him how frustrated I was to like someone who didnt like me [even though he did, I wouldnt believe it] I would be torn since I knew what we were doing was wrong; he had his girlfriend therefore he shouldnt have me as well. Society told me to cut it off then and there, in the heat of everything and I couldnt. That was the the right move. It was. I was torn because people were telling me to tell A and I wasnt sure if I could.It was a lot of pressure and I broke under it. I completely fell apart, I am still picking up pieces. I did stupid things. I am still doing stupid things. And I am mad at myself for doing this.

I think what most people dont understand is that he was the first thing I did for me. I spent my entire life giving myself to others. I spent my entire college career being involved and helping others and giving myself to everyone. I stretched myself thin on many occasions, but I was addicted to the rush of being busy and ignoring myself. I wanted to forget myself, so I threw myself into everything and anything... leaving every minute of the day planned. I didnt sleep much and I was fine with that.

After college, I spent the year and a half maintaining a house, raising a puppy and a kitty, trying to mold myself into the perfect wife. The wife that would sit at home all day, cleaning, cooking, and entertaining her husband. I kept giving myself to my ex, hoping he would keep me happy and I would be content. But I wasnt. I was just putting a circle through the square hole. Yes it fits, and yes it goes through, but it doesnt fit perfectly. Then when I met R. I was selfish. The one time in my life, I was selfish. I did something for me. I did something that made me fully happy. A simple text, made my face light up. I guess thats what I did wrong. I did something for me. What did I learn? I cannot have something for me. I cannot be selfish. I cannot have him. He is the one person that made me feel safe. When he hugs me, I feel so safe in his arms. It seriously is the best feeling. Truly, I have never felt the way I did before as I did with him. And I am told that I will feel that way with someone else, but I dont want to. I want him.

I am too stubborn for my own good. Too ignorant to see the truth. I am foolish. But I think I want to be foolish. I dont want to give up. I will not text him. I will not contact him. I will not like his statuses. I will not go north to his college. I will not see him privately. I am ok with that. But I will not give him up. Maybe we just met at the wrong time. Maybe we are meant for another time in our lives. Maybe we just arent ready for each other. Maybe space and time is the only thing to heal us. I just want to fix everything. Im a fixer. But I am going to do the hardest thing I have ever done.

L e t g o. But I wont give up

One lump or two?


goodbye

:: 2011 25 June :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: love ♥

One lump or two?


goodbye

:: 2010 14 September :: 1.05am

Truth
Every shadow, no matter how deep, is threatened by morning light.

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2010 20 August :: 6.53pm

The real world really isnt that fun.
Promise to expand later...

One lump or two?


14outtanone

:: 2009 30 November :: 7.35pm
:: Mood: missing it already

Farewell
This Journal is the one constant that I have had for almost 10 years. I love everything in it, and I honestly wish I wanted to share it with every person in existance.

However I don't. I love you, all of you who followed my life. Please, don't forget the idiot lessons I learned.

There is nothing left here. If I followed you, I will be friending you one way or another. Thankyou.

Nee Maria Seidel

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2009 2 April :: 11.23am

I am trying.
I am failing.
I cant seem to be in control of all the things I want to be in control of.
It is so frustrating. I am trying to go to the gym and eat healthy, but my thighs are still massive.
Constantly, my bf is fighting me on the stupidest things.
I feel like such a failure.
My staff hates me and never helps me out.
At least my hall loves me. It's really nice that they actually like me.
We had an awesome program last night and I think they really enjoyed it.
There's hope.

I need this summer. This summer to be away. This summer to work.
This summer to earn money. I hate this economy. I hate paying for college. I have having to deal with money. Just give me all my AG and I'll be happy.

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2008 30 December :: 10.45am

my other journal is corrupt.

i wish i werent retarded

i am not looking forward to my hall
i always fuck it up.


One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2008 25 August :: 3.10am

Is it just a dream?
Will I wake up?
or will this sink in
and be reality?

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2008 8 February :: 5.15pm

i think
something is different
















when did it happen?

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2008 4 February :: 6.15pm

I miss being able
to express myself
life is taking me away
I cant be in control
Ive lost control
I need to be in control
I have failed

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2007 27 April :: 4.06pm
:: Mood: crazy?

Am I Crazy?
My mom's friend
is thinking about
selling her house
I think I want it.
Am i crazy
to want it?
Its 8 acers
with an orchard
and a barn
and a chicken coop
with chickens
it is surrounded by trees
and you have to drive down a lane to it
I like it alot
It has wooden floors
and three bedrooms
and two full baths
it is my dream home.
I could see myself living there
am I crazy?
cause everyone else thinks I am
it would probablly cost
like 250,000 dollars
but I dont care
I know I could work it off
I know it will all work out.
Am I crazy?
Am I?
I guess I am

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2007 22 March :: 8.59pm
:: Music: Guardian Angel -- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
[to fade]

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2007 13 February :: 11.59pm

"Gravity Of Love"

"O Fortuna velut Luna" ["O Fortune like the Moon"]

Turn around and smell what you don't see
Close your eyes ... it is so clear
Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen
On both ways you can get in.
Don't think twice before you listen to your heart,
Follow the trace for a new start.
What you need and everything you'll feel
Is just a question of the deal.
In the eye of storm you'll see a lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love.

"O Fortuna velut Luna"

[Whispers:]
[Woman :]
The path of excess leads to the tower of Wisdom
[Man :]
The path of excess leads to the tower of Wisdom

Try to think about it...
That's the chance to live your life and discover
What it is, what's the gravity of love

"O Fortuna velut Luna"

Look around just people, can you hear their voice
Find the one who'll guide you to the limits of your choice.
But if you're in the eye of storm
Just think of the lonely dove
The experience of survival is the key
To the gravity of love.

"O Fortuna velut Luna"
"O Fortuna velut Luna"

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 27 December :: 12.11am

i really like him alot
but im so afraid
that im going to lose him
but i dont want him
to leave
because he is everything
he is complete
hes the movement
and hes the spin
i like him alot
i want him to be my companion
forever and ever
is that alot to sak for??

One lump or two?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 19 December :: 12.11am
:: Mood: thoughtful

lately, i have been
thinking about
all the people
who have died
we were driving
past this spot
where this college student
had died
she was either pushed
or she jumped
off the bridge
on to the highway
i didnt know here
put the little
white flower
that was on the bridge
broke my heart
i wish i knew something
about the girl
then it occured to me
when i die
people will know
nothing about me
and that scared me
i dont want to
leave meaning nothing
my inner thoughts never heard
people will say things about me
that really arent true
like i gave back
to the community
through habitat
and that im such a great person
but im not
i lie
i cheat
i steal
i decieve
i feel so unworthy
to be told in that light



its funny...
everyone wants to get a job
but i really dont want to
i cant see myself
doing anything
but im going to college
so i can better myself
and get a job
so i can pay off my loans
but i really dont want one
i want to stay home
and raise children
and clean a house
and bake cakes
and cookies
and pies
as surprise
and i want to take care
of the man i marry
i want to massage
his back
after a long day at work
i want to give him his newspaper
as i cook in the kitchen
this may sound so weird
and retro
but i would be happy
just doing all that
but in the end
i will conform
and get a job
so i can pay off my loans
and buy the house
i always wanted

One lump or two?

Woohu.com | Random Journal