Dear Die-ary, I think Im dead..............................."I should have known from the word slut branded on your forehead" ........................................"Mors Principium Est" (Death is the Beginning)


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:: 2005 5 February :: 10.28 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Molly Smiles -Uptown girls soundtrack

Circus-Getting out
You know its strange, once you start to date an out going girl, you yourself seem to go out more. For instance, just an hour ago I returned home from the Circus Royale, where we watched many different acts for two hours, received a free balloon, flashing ring and big box of popcorn because Lauren's friends boyfriends sister (thats a mouthful) works at the circus and is also a performer.

Some of the stunts and tricks were truly amazing...I dont know why but I rather hated the animal part...They just...I dont know, seemed sad, I know that sounds weird but they honestly had this look in their eyes like...I suppose like they were almost crying...But what they got them to do was cool.

I also came home with a keyring insetted with a photo of me, Loz, Nicky and Alex...I didnt look half bad.

Also, on a *growl* note. They got me up. In front of the entire bloody circus with three other guys. We did this stunt where you sit us all on chairs and then make us lean in each others lap then take the chairs away so we are supporting each other. It felt weird, and the guy that was on my kept laughing, it nearly made my knees give way and fuck up the whole stunt...Loz seemed to love that I went up. I despised that freaking clown when he pointed at me. I think I went five different varieties and shades of red...

Also spent the day before the circus with Lauren, we played scrabble and spent time alone in her room. She won scrabble, but hey who wouldnt when they feel like spelling bugger as buger. I'm still doubting if Kiln's is an australian word.

On a whole different note, and yes for the person who left a note last time this does switch content ;-). I love the feel and look of Lauren, I mean obviously if I made love to her I must...but its different. Ive never felt anything like lauren before. And oh my god...lauren in a G string...especially this sexy one she picked up ages ago and has never worn. It fitted to her bottom perfectly, it made everything that should stand out stand out. It seriousley made me want to rip off her clothes and just....*ahem*

*winks* You all sleep sweetly.

23 more shards | break my being

:: 2005 4 February :: 11.39 pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Radio

Still not moving
Well...said meeting with Chris did not occur, he seems to be taking his sweet time with that actually. He was meant to call me this Friday/Thursday...well as of current its 12oclock at night on Friday so obviously he has not gotten back to me...I really wish to be out of here so Im hoping he quickly gets his act into gear.

Also distance education/correspondence is going well, Miss West, a coordinator at my school has written the application letter for DECV so hopefully that all goes well. I have to fill out the enrolment and subject selection forms ASAP.

Also should be going down the street/back here to my place/to loz's house tommorow. Not sure which yet...though Im hoping, with what Lauren was hinting at tonight, that its her place...*grins* She's had a few very interesting dreams and daydreams lately...very detailed elaborate ones...And when she stated and told said left me in a very *ahem* mood. God shes so freaking sexy *whines that he cant see her at the moment*

Anyhow...not much time, father is coming to get the computer...Shall write more next time...Promises promises right? Take care all.

break my being

:: 2005 2 February :: 5.22 pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Crazy town-Butterfly

Cold feet
Im wondering whether or not discontent is an apt enough word to describe what Im feeling...As I am also wondering whether or not this is cold feet that I have, adding to that the fact that Im not getting married and am therefore curious as to whether or not I can say I do have cold feet.

Your wondering what the hell Im on about.

Well...It's only the...what? Third day of school for Lauren and already things between her and I are..."slowing down"? Her mother is becoming more and more anal, enforcing stupid rules like "Monday and Thursday are homework days" *Add sarcastic smile here* What is she in primary school or something?

Add to that her sociallism has flared again, now Im not going to mention anything about this to her as all it will do will cause problems. But her passion for stupidity at parties is amazing...smoking pot, cigarrettes and drinking herself stupid seem to be among favourites. Im fine with sociallism, but...and how bad is this going to sound...Charn's type of sociallism. The kind where you dont go out to get piss drunk or stoned...but the kind where you go out to see FRIENDS. Not the kind of party where you hook up...but the kind where you chat and have conversation with just one or two drinks...Its smart sociallism...Laurens friends...their lack of intelligence seems at a high...and the constant amount of guys after her at parties severely bothers me...

I've never been in a relationship where Ive had to work hard to see my girlfriend...I've never really needed to be in a relationship where effort was required to be together...Although effort to stop arguing was present...but it was always made up after. And it just seems that if Laurens mother continues to be like this....I dont know, Im just going to end up in a very unhappy relationship.

I dont know what to do about her desire for stupid sociallism...nor those guys after her. I do trust her...but I worry that she will end up in a state like last time...where she passed out as soon as she was in bed...will leave her in trouble...or hurting me...And it will all end and come crashing down. I could, in a very self inflicted pain type of way, deal with her dumping me....but I could not, in anyway handle her cheating on me, or dumping me because she cheated on me...And because of the party last time, I am so worried that this is what is going to happen.

As for her mother...well...I suppose we'll see hmm?

I shall leave you now, I complain far too much...

P.S Last night, Lauren had a severe...severe burst of confidence...and went down on me in her parents car. I found this amazing and amusing enough to place in here for all your perverted satisfaction, right Jade and Chrissy? *pokes out tongue* Wish me luck with this guys...We've been together 2 and a bit months....I want it to be 200 and a bit months you know? Here's hoping...*crosses fingers*

10 more shards | break my being

:: 2005 27 January :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: None

School-First day
You have no probably do if you know me considering I tend to make friends with depressive institutional hating weird just say that school was unbelievably a whole lot shitter than I had thought it would be. The teacher, took 45 minutes discussing what we MIGHT do in class over the coming weeks. MIGHT do!? Seriousley, has the intelligence of teachers fallen that much that now our school curriculum is a per chance thing rather than a planned schedule? *shakes his head* Also...I know curriculum isnt spelt right, but Im so tired and my brain isnt thinking so at current I dont know how to spell that annoying elusive word, any suggestions would be appreciated *winks*

Anyhow if school continues to be this shitty I believe Im just going to do correspondence...probably end up quite far ahead that way... At least ahead of them anywho....But yes, let us hope that my co-ordinators realise that I will attend school little unless Im in correspondence. Also, habe a meeting about that place on Monday, quite far away :-( Might be going to stay at Loz's on Saturday...I really hope that comes through, its been so wonderful being able to see her this much and then it comes crashing down when school starts, kind of really a downer... But I think Im taking the two singles off tommorow....just too tired to deal with it....that and I really want to call Loz....We might be going to see a movie Sat as well.

Anyhow...Im off to bed....going to dream about Lauren some and then hopefully fall asleep to images of her hmmm? Night all.
Remind me to write some poetry/prose next time.

break my being

:: 2005 26 January :: 10.03 am
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: AFI

Well, it...finally...happened. Not that it wasn't worth the wait...The feel of it, the emotion in it for me, I cant speak for Lauren in this instance but...*smiles* Yes...It did however, hurt her to the point of a tear, and she said it kind of burned afterwards. You can be assured that this made me feel like utter shit. I was hoping I had done it slowly and softly enough to cause little pain...I do hope its going to get much better for her, it should anyhow, following human biology it's only natural. She also wrote me the letter, which I would like to type up on here one day when I have the time...

Alas, I am finally going back to school, as of tommorow I am again, a torturous slave to the system. *sighs* This long...long holiday...was so worth it though. The freedom I have been allowed, the independance I have experienced *grins* The wonderful people I have obtained *eyeballs Lauren* Yeah you...Its been wonderful.

I also am to be moving into student accomadation in High Street sometime within the following one to two weeks, unfortunatley I am to have a house mate that I do not even know... It is however fortunatley a female...which hopefully means not trillions of trampy slutty drug addicted girls running through my place....And HOPEFULLY she is shy and hard working so theres not trillions of dickheaded geeky guys running through my place ;-) So wish me luck all.

I also intend to start writing again soon, Ive looked over some of my old stories and poems from past times. Just need to find the inspiration when Loz isn't around. *rolls eyes* Thats almost an impossibility.

Should be going to the movies today with Loz. Blade Trinity *drools* Blade trinity people! Anyhow....Id best be off, my sister is cutting me off. She did however let me go on here....Take care all.

break my being

:: 2005 15 January :: 9.01 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: AFI-Sing the sorrow

In a space between here and there
Well today turned out better than I had thought, I stayed with loz for a little bit while she showered and prepared to sleep at her nonna's, I think thats how she spells it. Turns out I walked from her house to mine, for anybody that doesnt know how long that is....Well...think an entire town....then another town....Basically. But it was fun, im going over there with her tommorow, we're going to play pool and stuff. I wont mention the implications that run with "and stuff" hmm? Apart from that, last night I played mini golf and go karts with Matt and unfortunatley my sister. She tends to become more annoying around Matt, more aggressive, sarcastic and stupid...I think its her desire to show off to him. Anyway, mini golf was good, I won by about 4 strokes. Got 4 hole in one's as well. There were these two fuck ass little kids at go karts though who seemed to have a penchant for assaulting people due to the fact that they would ram your side and then drive off laughing like a cockhead. I seriousley think when that little fuck hit me in the side it split my rectum :-| Haven't written in ages either, poetry or novel...It just seems that I can only write or have the want to write when im around loz...then when Im not that feeling just goes away. Its like loz is a temporary writers block unblocker :-| Anyhow....Im off all...enjoy your nights and whatever suitable activities you may find in such times *winks*

1 more shard | break my being

:: 2005 14 January :: 2.06 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Silence

In the beginning
I decided to start yet another Journal, this one hopefully being the last. The previous journal...well it chopped and changed a lot, plus it caused discomfort and upset for Charn and probably would have done the same for Lauren due to the entries about Chantelle when I was up there. I was all up and down in both hopefully this will be more stable.

So...where am I now? I live back in Bairnsdale, no longer in Queensland, though I may be visiting there this month if Matt decides he wishes for a road trip. Lauren is somewhat fearful of this and also of Charns intentions to visit. Ive reassured her many times there is no cause for this. She still worries though. But I will address more on Lauren in a second.

I am reattending year 12 due to my idiotic decision not to complete year 12, so now I must repeat, though for this I am somewhat thankful because I had put no effort into my final year which was stupid on my behalf, as so many people have told me. Thankyou for the continued updates of my absence of intelligence by the way, to my family, and some of my friends.

I am being forced into looking for a job, the government is choosing to ignore the fact that Im going to be reattending school and wants me to become a full time worker. *rolls eyes* Their intelligence, amazing eh? And these are those whom run our country...

Other than that...little else has been happening.

Apart from one rather wonderful thing.

Lauren. Now those of you whom have read my journal in previous times would have seen the numerous complaints and "bitchings" about our relationship. What you may/may not have known is that I was also a large part in the occurences of these said events. This I came to realise upon returning from Queensland....that event really helped clear my head and made me a better person/partner. Admittedly though, I am still quite retarded when it comes to girlfriends, though I am trying to fix this, but I have had my doubts over a continued relationship with Lauren because of this personality that I seem to hold.

But she...well she has definitley changed for the better. She tells me she loves me, I dont think a day has gone by where we havent said it to each other, which I cherish. She is so much more affectionate, she tries to see me, she misses me when Im gone, she tells me how much she cares, she sends sweet messages.

Things have been going well.
Admittedly and albeit....some things not so well. Her lack of desire to commit in future...the seemingly halted feelings sometimes. And other times a really cold, unemotional manner.

But and its a large but....these are overtly balanced and most of the time largely over sized by how wonderful she has been lately. I cant say that has nearly been 2 months....will be in 10 days actually. So....Heres hoping to a longer term as well.

Yesterday I was also in Sale with her and her sister. She had some shopping to do...lots...and lots....and lots of shopping. As much as I acted like it really bothered was so cute to see her trying all that stuff on and being indecisive *whisper* But we cannot let the female species know that one of the other sex actually doesnt mind shopping can we? So for now I believe Ill have to act like I didnt really enjoy it but just enough to come with her next time. I kept the train tickets though, mine and hers were joined together...Was kind of metaphorically important for me.

She is also going away either tommorow or next Thursday...which Im insanely worried about due to events that occured last time she was there...but I suppose as long as she doesnt give her number to anyone and doesnt go off alone...she'll be okay...Heres hoping hmm?

Thats one thing I hate about loving someone, it automatically puts you in a position to be hurt and to get worried....

"The great thing about her is when you look in her eyes, and she's looking back in yours, everything feels not quite normal, because you feel stronger, and weaker at the same time. You feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is you don't know what you feel, except you know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable, and you weren't ready for it."
Take care all

There is this guy, a young man who is bragging about his perfect heart, and another older man has this heart that looks ragged and tattered, and the young man askes him why his heart looks like that. The older man smiled and said that every person he met he gave a piece of his heart, and sometimes the other gave a piece of theirs back, but sometimes they didn't. He felt that, though his heart looked horrid against the younger man's, that his heart was more complete, because a heart is meant to share. The young man began to cry, and took a piece of his heart and gave it to the older man.

1 more shard | break my being | Random Journal