2005 18 May :: 8.13 pm
for ever and always...
I always want to change the layout of this journal but eventually everything cycles back around and it just makes perfect sense. I will leave it alone. I thought I had escaped cycles by now considering how hard I worked last year to defeat them but they are always there I have some long term deep rooted personal traditions that I can't avoid and that's ok. I think I can work with it now because there are some things that you just can't fight and I don't want to. It's hard not to spend this time of year reflecting on how much things have changed over the past months. It's interesting, I almost want to say it's sad but I can't because it's not. It just is. I going to hold out though, hold on to the faith that there IS something out there, something coming for me that I can throw myself into without fear and without doubt. Just dive in with a naked soul and trust unconditionally, becuase the only downside to change is that you become hardened, desensitized to losing things and people because you have only been waiting for them to leave from the start. There are times when we can't even trust our own convictions but I DO believe somewhere in the depths of my twisted religion that there is something that will be worth it, that can penetrate the shell of experience. Until then there is change. Until then any notion of forever is a myth, it's a lie we tell ourselves. Forever gets us through the present but you always know that it isnt there, not really. We feign disappointment when the illusion doesn't pan out because it allows us to feel. If you believe that you never saw it coming then you don't have to face the fact that you knew it all along. I don't care who you are, everyone has an inherent cynnic. Despite all that I know that something is forever and that one day the upswing of the cycle will stick. But for now it's just another year and everything has changed.
1 watching |
2005 29 March :: 11.53 pm
2005 22 January :: 6.23 pm
There's so much about being happy that confuses me. Like I don't have stress or obligations or...anything. But I do have my friends and I love my friends and I love driving around in search of racist movies all day and doing random things but I don't feel like it's....okay to be content with that, like I should want more for myself but I'm not quite sure what. I think it's also my old feeling of paranoia which isnt completely unfounded because...shit happens. What if I lose my friends for some reason then what will I have I can't rely on just one thing in my life it's too scary idk if that makes sense at all I'm just so damn tired of being completely codependant in every aspect of my life : \
And I don't like how I am acting lately I feel like a bad person in general.
Aside from that the irony of it all is...I'm happier than I have been in so long. And now when I finally know how to be happy and not be so intense about everything, no guys in sight. I went from having too many when I wasn't ready to handle it, to none when I am finally in a place where I could probably pull off a normal low stress relationship. That's life I suppose I'm fine with it I guess.
2004 22 September :: 8.52 pm
im so sorry woohu...: (
I don't want us to drift apart too
I feel like I don't even know certain people anymore it's so sad and NO it's not michelle she always thinks i'm talking about her.lol
School is upsetting everyone has beaten it to death I won't go into the details....but it truely is disheartening to actually try and care and still not excel...I mean as of now I think I have straight Bs except for As in english and dance....that's really not so bad but I am BUSTING my ass for those mediocre grades and it can really only go down from here. Last year I got Bs just from not doing anything and when I think of all the slacking off I did....man if I tried last year I woulda ha straight As it's ridiculous. But actually giving a shit does come with the stress and the obligation to do well...these days I will stay up until 2am and study even if I know it won't help....just so I can say I tried I feel guilty if I don't.
So i run on 3-4 hours of sleep and don't eat much during the day and typically don't get home until about 6:30 and it is having some major side effects. I keep slippin gback into that altered hormonal state of conciousness where I get these depressed breakdowns and rage outbursts I can't control it. I had one of my episodes while I was driving somewhere last weekend and ended up alone in some random parking lot in the middle of the night
in a kinda bad area just trying to calm the fuck down and get home. It was scary.
I really can't even think about guys right now...there is this one guy who seems nice but shy and I don't approach him unless people force me to. I'm not into persuing anything right now I just need a nice happy thought....when you get close to people you realize they are assholes at heart it's just a general rule.
maybe I'll find someone to get "close" with at Danielle party haha. I'm loving this fuck homecomming idea hopefully it will work out.
wow this was pretty depressing good thing no one pays attention to this journal anymore.
I missed you woohu
5 watching |
2004 29 August :: 2.39 am
:: Mood: nostalgic
walk down memory lane....
well i already updated lj for the night so here i am again....i am being such a journal slut.
but anyway just had the most random conversation with john he hasn't tlked to me that much since school started and he IMs me out of nowhere tonight and starts getting all nostalgic and talking about things in the past that i don't think he even admitted to me back then...it was weird lol he eventually informed me he had been drinking and it all made sense.
i got over john a long time ago but i liked that we were still able to maintain some kind of friendship...we really had a lot of fun times together haloween...playing in the fountains at cityplace....hema's party....the back of danielle's dad's truck.... going to the movies....kicking nick out of the car lol....all of the stories i used to write him and the odd random text messages that would like brighten my day, he was the only one i managed to stay in contact with while i was grounded last yr it saved my sanity really...lol the day i took him shopping and we went on our adventure to publix and the "lake" by my house and the bookstore because i really am kinda smart lol...so many inside jokes it was just nice to look back and to know that he hasn't forgotten all of the good times. He's really happy with kassie now though and i really am happy for him because when you get down to it he's a pretty good guy.
wow this entry was so like upbeat and positive idk where that came from. i'm gunna have to be such a bitch to him nxt time we tlk to make up for it lol
2004 22 August :: 7.07 pm
:: Mood: content
*sigh* i've been too busy playing with livejournal to update this one. actually i have been too busy updating in general that is always a bad sign. Whenever im fucking around on these things are times i should eithe rbe doing homework or pretending that i actually have a life of some kind.
went to the movies last nite slept thru friday night and then my grandparents came over today. After they left i took the money they gave me and went out in search of the garden state soundtrack. i found it NOWHERE. but i did get to take the car and drive around even if i did stay within 15 minutes of my house. i love having the car to myself and i was actually fine. well...minus one near fiasco in a certain parking lot. no one woulda been hurt just a car but eh....ha i think i will keep that one my little secret. lol my god women really can't drive i wish i could do a study on it.
oh yeah psych test tomorrow and a whole assload of other stuff to get done. i better stop with this. love to all...
2004 20 August :: 4.40 pm
oh man ashley...fucking rocks lol that girl made me the best half birthday present ever. haha she didn't have anything to make a cake so she took rice krispy treats and and candy and footlong fruit rollups and made them look like sushi. who does that? i don't know but it was still awesome. lol lemmie alone that was seriously the high point of my day.
thank god im only taking dance for one semester i can't stand the mixed classes. grr
i fucked up that spanish verb tense quiz and i got a 70 on the bio quiz but i feel better about those now because i know what to expect and i don't think they are worth a lot anyway.
not much else has been going on i want to take the car and get out of the house for a bit this weekend even if i just go somewhere by myself i just need some space. space outside of the confines of my house and school. maybe i will go to the mall and see chub if shes working or get liz a bday present idk. someone should meet me there and we'll hang out. or maybe ill make jimmy finally show me his damn pictures from europe i just remembered he hasnt. bah
my social life....i give up...seriously i've got plenty of friends to talk to and enough close friends who id trust with my life if need be. if there's some guy out there who is right for me and can actually put up with me and care about me like no one has been able to thus far...then he will find me. ive tried for too long to force what wasnt meant to be with all the wrong guys so im giving up on my better judgement and letting life take me where it will....im interested to see how all that turns out.
oh yeah unrelated topic...talked to Dom last night out of nowhere that kid just pops up at weird fucking times in my life.
i'm so over the bus seriously...just give me my damn car. I rode it for like the 1st time this year and the freshman just grrr they are probably sophmores but w/e they are all freshman to me. there's a couple juniors to keep me sane but still. lol tony tried to be funny and jack Dane Cook's shit today but he got shut down lol i know that cd by heart.
yes well im gunna go be lazy and enjoy the weekend.
1 watching |
2004 15 August :: 3.16 pm
I feel obligated to write something...
I forsee this year being terrible by all accounts I don't know why.
School is stressful...eagle-ettes doesn't officially start until next week.
When are we all to have time for each other? Between school,work,homework,SAT prep,chores,family responsibility,extra curriculars,community service...we all have so much going on. I don't see any room in that mix for friends and dating. It's depressing to see it all laid out like that.
I need to do well in school this year so badly if I fuck up now I will never get my car in january. My mom never lets me take the car I hate it. Even if she doesn't need it she's just like well its too far or i don't want you driving at night yet or w/e fuck it not like I have anywhere to go anyway.
Michelle is gone she's officially moved into her dorm. It was so sad on friday night. My parents didn't want us driving out to boca because of the storm so michelle lauren and I hung out at my house and ate junk food and watched movies for the last time. We were saying goodbye in my driveway and lauren was crying her eyes out because she always crys and we took pictures on michelles phone and remembered some inside jokes and good times and then she drove away and it was sad.
Lauren ended up crashing at my house and we woke up the next morning and went to go help kristen out with starlets. ok i did this for commnity service but its still sooo unlike me. We helped her run practice for her dance team of 7yr old girls which wasnt too bad since nicki and jenn were there too and we didn't have to do a lot just make copies and demonstrate stuff. Then nick and jenn left and kristen asked us to stay and help at the meeting for all of their parents afterwards. So we were like hell yea get more hours just for siting there but nonono. All of the kids got restless in the meeting so we had to watch them in the other room. All 24 girls plus mikes son dillan and this little kid niko. At first we just turned on a movie and it was all good then they started running around and screaming and I ended up havign to like play with them and make sure they didnt kill each other doing cheerleading stunts and gymnastics. They decided a good game was to hang all over me until i couldnt stand and then pile on top of me. I was so exhausted by the end of the day. I could so be a babysitter though I still hate them but I can handle kids a lot better than I thought. idk i have 59 hours of community service knocked out now.
lol I am just now finishing the bio summer work then I have to get something done of the other work he left us on thursday. This class is going to kill me and I am going to hate him I can see it now.
my teachers are all really goofy there is just no other word.
I had an interesting conversation with altan last night about loves marriage to tragedy among other things and an odd one with lawerence about...i don't even remember but it was random.
I'm so mad I didn't get to see garden state this weekend.
Danielle drove me home the other day in her new pimp ride lmao it was fun. I'm going to steal the car one of these days and go visit her at work.
Oh and this entry goes out to Nicki because she's fuckin awesome. She's so fuckin awesome she deserves a whole paragraph so here goes. If your ever feelin not so great just go talk to nicki and you will be laughing in no time lol she doesn't even have to try sometimes. If you ever want some great 5am phone calls she's your girl but in all seriousness she's a great friend and an awesome dancer and there's your fricken paragraph lol. <3
mmmm what else what else nothing important i'm sure love to all.
2004 7 August :: 12.14 am
most importantly I got my license today woohoo! It's really not all that exciting anymore it's just like...finally. My dad's FREAKING out over his insurance rates just having me drive his car when hes not using it so....i won't be having my own for a while I daresay. so...bah oh well.
Anywhoo today was a pretty good day practice went well. I left an hour early to go take my test and came back for the pool party thing at Shersty's house that we have at the end of summer practices every year. It's a bonding thing it went pretty well. Some highlights would be me falling off the pool deck and smacking my head into the wooden fence. I kinda stopped laughing when someone told me my head was bleeding but...I still don't feel anything lol I seriously think I had a minor concussion or something because I was delerious for a long time after. lol we harassed the new girls with water balloons and gave out our awards brittney got in a fight with rashunda and then spread chocolate mud stuff ALL over nicki. Yeah so funny stuff good clean fun w/e.
ummm what else what else....ok I foudn this quite amusing TWO people had dreams about me last night. That is just....idk creepy what are the odds of that. Liz comes up to me this morning and is all like I had this dream last night that you were being really slutty and everyone was like haha are you sure that wasn't just real life (yeah fuck you) lol and she's like no a bunch of us were at disney and I was all over some guys or something idk. I told liz to stop having dreams about me because it disturbed me. haha then later today ashley pasion calls me and tells me about some dream she had all about me but hers was really fricken amusing....
So like she's sleeping in the middle of the night and is woken up by a phone call from Ms. DiCillo's 9 yr old son Logan who asks for Phatass Pasion (haha) and she goes yes thats me. And then he asked her if she had a friend named Jessica Brandi because she was dead. So she starts crying on the phone because who wants me dead lol and then she calls danielle and they start having a big cryfest together. Then they go to my parents house to offer their condolences and my parents tell them that they can't handle it and ask them to throw my funeral for me. So it starts out an everyday boring funeral and everyone is standing around talking about how I was such a bitch but they somehow loved me anyway. And then all of a sudden they were like this is so boring this isn't jessica let's do it right. So they bring out all these speakers and turn on gangsta's paradise and everyones like rapping and shit and ashley and danielle are all like wtf and my parents come walking in and yell you guy's just got punked and they open up the coffin and it's empty and I come walking out laughing at them. idk I found it amusing.
yeah sooo after we left britts house lauren and I went to my house and then michelle came over and we went to blockbuster to rent some movies and order pizza and stuff and just sat around on my couch watching monty python. Jesuschrist monty python and the holy grail is the funniest fucking movie ever. Mexcan whoomping llamas and roger the SHRUBBER....can't get enough it all fit the mood I was in. We also rented some other weird british movie called 9 gay guys which is apparantly about guys that are NOT gay? idk sounds strange but we're watching that tomorrow. This is michelle's last weekend in town so we're making the most of it.
I have utopia practice at the studio saturday and sunday morning and then they are comming over 2morrow after it and then I am going to see my family (grrrr) afterwards on sunday then we have an officer meeting in fucking boca on monday AHHHHH. THEN I have hair/nail appts on tuesday and my bio isn't even half done. I really have to stop fucking around.
yuuuppp so that was my day more later.
2004 5 August :: 5.49 pm
plenty to say...nothing important
Yes well not much has happened lately life has been about eagle ettes and nothing else...sad but true. DiCillo has really left top 4 in charge this year and we have so much crap to get done. I don't know how I let myself become so absorbed.
So yeah I'm starting to feel a little better about the team I forget that they have the whole year to improve, and being in charge is no problem with me I thought it would be harder to get used to. I'm starting to get a little concerned about myself though, Lauren Britt Allison and I are always so busy standing out and watching to make corrections or screening routines or teaching that I havn't really been doing a lot of actual dancing. I'm never even warmed up in practice because we are always working on formations or dealing with some other crap during warmup. Dance class this year is going to be more of the same because gonzalez quit. DiCillo has more classes than she can handle. We are being combined with some of the lower levels and DiCillo has already informed us that we are likely to be teaching class more than we are participating in it. I don't have time to go to the studio and I'm starting to have to work at things that have always just kinda been there like my flexibility. I don't think anyone really notices but I do and it bothers me that I have no time to work on myself. *shrug* I know nobody really cares but its not like anyone reads these these days anyway.
Lauren and I spend so much time talking about Eagle Ettes its truely insane we're sometimes up until like 4am worrying about shit and making schedules. I think I'm just trying to channel all of my energy and thought into this one outlet because it isn't as hard to think about as other things. Like certain people and things I'm feeling that I can't even make any sense of but mostly school nd the AP bio homework that I refuse to finish for some reason and my mom's surgery. It's all still managing to haunt me in my dreams but denial is a good way to live for now.
Today Lauren and I went to get all the crap we need after practice. I was so mad when they wouldnt let us pick our lockers and got stuck with one that was second from the bottom which is...eh I like having the one thats all the perfect height and such. Lauren got her decal and then we went to the IBO so she could get her schedule changed. I saw my new mailbox which is just awesome idk why lol it makes me feel all special. It's right under danielles and above johns so I'll prbly be running into them a lot or I'll leave them strange messages...either way
I ran into Janyll while I was waiting...she's in 1st hour history with me along with Jimmy and someone else...I think Jeremy oh yeah and Amy if she doesnt get her schedule changed....right? idk I hate having Mr. Hall 1st hour but Jimmy and I have always had 1st hour together since...actually 6th grade now that I think of it so that makes me happy.
2nd hour I have dance with well mostly eagle ette people and 3rd hour I have psych with danielle adam and armando lol I can see danielle and adam making me very very sick already. I'll just talk to my bro is all else fails haha
oh yeah random thought does reynold randomly IM anyone else with half naked pictures of himself...it disturbs me a bit lol
umm lets see where was I... 4th hour spanish I see Liz pretam and anand and possibly carlos lol my god I hope carlos is there he's the only way I pass half of the time. lol Sanchez get ur mexican ass on my homework vamanos! haha JK no I finally talked to him the other day he decided that his new name is brown sugar I said thats fine as long as I can be white chocolate haha amusing.
ummm ummm 5th hour pre-cal Liz again ewww lol Jimmy anddd got I can't remember to save my life but I know there's someone else.
6th hour bio...so far all I know is logan and maybe vanessa u? idk I bet it's gunna be a lot of non ib people which might be a nice change actually lol.
7th hour english with christina and possibly ashley lol ashley is busy expecting me to entertain her all class and christina is expecting me to be all super english girl lol so I guess I won't be able to sleep like I planned. How did all you lucky bastards manage to get zacher again???
ok yes well I am so sorry if you actually took time out of your life to read this.
8 watching |
2004 4 August :: 6.40 pm
Ummm yes mmmhmm
why do I let people make me delerious seriously? lol I'm sitting in my house acting quite strange and its very dark. lalala
Amy and Heather just called me to talk about old backstreet boys songs and remind me of how to spell my name and I was like ok cool
then the sun sentinal just call and I felt fucking awesome
I didnt answer though because strangers scare me.
Eagle ettes is a drain on my very sanity so I am embracing my severely depleted mental state.
Practice is going better anyway
doing utopia all weekend
someone should name a drug that
offcer meeting on monday
idk how do you spell jezzzikah?? is that it liz?
1 watching |
2004 31 July :: 9.47 pm
paying homage to my house of worship...
ok yesterday...Lauren came over to work on EE stuff and she brought Frankie with her. I could safely say that I despise just about anyone between the ages of 1 and 13 (and then some) but Frankie is by far the greatest 11 year old in the world. She's so funny and she doesn't annoy me at all lol I told lauren I would take her sis over her anyday.
Yeah so later we dropped Frankie off at home and met michelle at Panera (WE were a 1/2 hour early btw which is just a miracle)
Yeah so ate some food then went to see the Village....ok well looking back....I liked it but....compleately not what they made it sound like. Not scary at all...plenty to make fun of....I think the moral was don't let the handicapped kids fuck around in the forest. That only leads to trouble. lol I could go on and on but I will stop there.
Thennnn Michelle was driving me home and Hillary called and asked if we wanted to swing by glory days to meet up with her and Zach. It's so weird the ways I run into that kid he's the embodiment of what a small world it is. Started off he's just ashleys cousin then he lives in johns neighborhood then he lives across the street from hillary then he and hillary have been friends since they were little kids and then lauren has been good friends with him since middle school and thennn he had that whole thing with danielle. It's just....idk...what are the odds of all that?
anyway we hung out with them for a little bit. He invited us to go with them to see anchor man but uhhh....we umm...had to be getting home....that's it. So we said goodbye to them michelle took me home.
lol then I went online and kept Amy awake until 2:00!! This is the girl who goes to bed at 9 every night it was amazing we actually had a very nice talk and she even gave me sum inspiration lol. I'm glad I am finally getting to know her.
After she left I kept John up until almost 4:00! he's another one who likes his beauty rest. It was a typical John/Jessica convo so it was riddled with insults and twisted topics. We decided to start keeping score because some of our one liners are just priceless.
MisScarlet219 (2:25:31 AM): wtf are u doing awake
MisScarlet219 (2:25:39 AM): do u know what time it is
Kangaegoto (2:25:43 AM): talking to a would-be hooker
MisScarlet219 (2:25:55 AM): well tell ur mother its past her bedtime
Yeah so I still wasn't tired so I stayed up for a while then there was this huge bug in my room so I screamed for my dad to come kill it (this was around 5am mind you) and no I will never get too old to scream like a little girl when I see bugs.
Yeah so I slept with the light on because I'm a paranoid freak like that and I didn't wake up until 3 in the afternoon. I sat around for a bit then my mom and I went to the mall to take advantage of the last of tax free week. I got some new bras and underwear...that stuff is so damn expensive for never being seen (most of the time lol) w/e it's all cute and prettyful.
Then I bought this purse which is now THE reddest thing I own it's insane it's like fire engine lipstick red I have no idea what I will wear it with but I love it! Yeah then I got some new makeup and then sum flip flops from pacsun. MY mom is so dumb the guy at the register was really fricken hot I grant you and he was like trying to talk to me I guess (he was just asking me if it was still raning and talking about it being so shitty outside) and my mom is like omg that guy was hitting on you and you couldnt even smile or make an effort what is wrong with you. First of all she was standing right next to me I doubt he was hitting on me with my mom right there and second...he was probably like 20 (which my mom wouldnt have liked as much lol) with a girlfriend...and third I was so tired I didn't care I just wanted to go home and eat dinner lol.
The mall was real crowded but the only person I saw was mitch lol I just said nope not saying anything as I walked by him and he was like fine don't talk to me I see how it is. Yup I am a mean girl.
I also asked my mom about Rock the Universe and she said shed consider I hope she says yes. It's not just that she doesn't trust me and my friends there also might be some other big stuff going on with her around that time and it just wouldn't be a good time for me to be worrying her which I get.
Blah so now I'm home and I had my pizza so I am quite happy. God I have to do my bio work soon...damn school...eagle ettes starts again on monday 8am-12 everyday this week. kill me
14 days until michelle and the rest of them leave : (
~love to all~
3 watching |
2004 29 July :: 11.09 am
It's so fucking early...
Yeah well my dad decided to be a little bitch and wake me up before he left this morning probably on my mom's orders because he doesn't so much as breathe unless my mom tells him to >:o
Yeah so I of course got no sleep last night and I am quite irritable and don't know what to do with myself. Jessic'a morning does not start until 1:00 pm. *sigh*
Bah so yeah the past few days....back to my reality...my reality being eagle-ettes. My schedule is typically wake up around 2:30 in the afternoon do some stuff around the house read the english book (finished that by the way I actually liked it) then at 6 we have prcatice until effing 10:00!
Yeah so it's been going well I think. Being in charge is very weird but it kinda feels natural idk. Lauren was late on tuesday so I had to call squad and hearing 35 people jump to attention at the sound of your voice is only slightly awesome lol and no i'm not power hungry or anything : P
Yeah so we already have some drama and were already having to talk to people and be all diplomatic about things we didn't waste any time. It's all kind of stressful but in a good way because it keeps life interesting and really all I have thought about all week is getting ready for school and dealing with dance. I go home all wired and sometimes don't fall asleep until 6am and then the cycle starts over. *shrug*
Next week we are out on the football field and have to be there at 8:00 in the morning
ugh I'm jus enjoying this week while I can.
I'm still avoiding some problems at home It's so bad. It's not that I don't care I've just kind of developed this mental block that makes me forget anything is wrong. My mom's birthday kind of blew over I felt bad.
so...yeah...not much else to say
love to all
2 watching |
2004 27 July :: 2.04 am
deep unpleasant thoughts...
so much for not hurting myself anymore...on two accounts no less. There goes my willpower : \
some things I just can't take anymore so I will go back to my old way of handling things and just try not to let it get out of control this time.
I don't know how I feel anymore so I've given up on feeling. I still don't know if finding someone is the answer to my problems I could never see myself letting anyone in right now I just feel scared and I feel like I am supposed to be alone. I truly don't know how to be any other way. don't look at me...don't touch me...it's just not good for either of us.
I had the most aweful dream...coffin being lowered feeling regret eating my words graphic and poignant nothing ridiculous like I am used to...I think I woke up with tears in my eyes.
Fuck my family even my mom doesn't want to see them anymore these days. Don't act all sweet and phony around me and then bitch at my mom behind my back for being a horrible parent and talk about how shes let me fuck up my life and I am going nowhere. And don't you fucking dare condescend to be concerned about it or me. I wouldn't even bother to see them if it was up to me so if they're going to treat me like a fucking four yr old who is too stupid to see past their bullshit then I'll make it my choice.
God just fuck people
I don't know where this mood came from. I'm not apologizing or anything I just was feeling positive a minute ago.
I need a drink so bad alcohol can replace every emotion I am devoid of at the moment I am sure of it. I'll be happy and god knows I will want to be touched and everything will just become so clear. People will be grouped into two categories I love you I hate you nothing will hurt...its a beautiful thing.
Build me up buttercup is the best song of all time. The lyrics are so damn depressing and the song is so upbeat. It is like a stupid little girl who loves being in love even though it is terrible and painful...
and the worst of all
you never call baby when you say you will
but I love you still...
who are the people you consider your friends...what has to be there in order to call something a friendship. Random poll anyone who still reads woohu comment. There was a reason but I don't think it matters...mostly Im just curious
2 watching |
2004 26 July :: 12.09 am
god free will sucks...
Sometimes I wish I was compleately driven by animal instinct (tho I am my fair share lol) but seriously I am the most aweful person at making decisions. It all comes back to my rear of regret thing....no matter what I decide is wrong and it gets to the point where I don't want to move...I'm afraid to breathe for fear of some miniscule movement reaking havoc on my life. It's like the chaos theory a butterfly flaps it's wings and a hurricane blows a hemisphere away, small things have great effects and each of us is a microcosmic universe, and sometimes it seems that the simplest of sentences, a few mere breaths of dialogue can send entire planets spinning out of alignment.
But really the analogy makes perfect sense...every move we make somehow brings us closer to our own entropy you cannot escape it for every imaginable thing is a decision even if it really is as simple as the decision to stand still. And the worst part about it is...we know we know what is to become of us we know that we have options to weigh and risks to assess and it kills me (well metaphorically) making decisions terrifys me making a move of any sort and sometimes I think this decision to spend my life indecisive is the most wasteful contribution to my own entropy to my own death. I am wasting my life away and driving myself insane compleately utterly insane if you have read this far you should understand that by now. If you knew what this entry was really about you would tell me I was stalling and being indecisive and most of all you would tell me that you didnt see what one thing had to do with another and that god knows how my mind makes such connections and I dont even really know myself. Im just blindly typing in order to keep myself moving I have more thigs to say and more important things to be concerened with but for some reason this is all that is comming out maybe this is the easiest of my problems and I am making it seem bigger to take my mind off of theserious. Ok I am going to go and I am going to...idk of course i dont but I am going to stop this that I know.