i cant believe what you tell me.. your lies have come undone.. now im living on the run, looking out for number onee.. one day, you'll see me, but only when you're dreaming, onee day you'll say i was the one..
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:: 2010 2 February :: 11.18am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Your Guardian Angel-RJA

Love/lust/all that is between.
There's something in this new adventure that isn't new at all.
You are my familiar.
And I have missed you.
For once in my life I don't care about anything or anyone but us.
I want us to be. Perfect.
And I know perfection is so far fetched, but my life with you IS perfect.
Because nothing is wrong when I've got you.
You complete me in every way possible.
From the first time I met you, I knew something special was in store for our future.
Everything in our history is so epically "us."
I'm so glad I took that leap of faith, and talked to you again.
As of right now, I never want to let you go.
One day I hope to see you at the end of the altar.
I love you with my entirety.
Not a day went by when we were apart that I didn't get reminded of you one way or another. I can't live life without seeing your reflection in something.
You give things meaning.

After loving you, my prince, I can NEVER be the same.
You're the only voice my heart can recognize.
I want to spend forever in this place.
I am enslaved to your love.
You are my reason.
I love you.
So completely.

make conversation


:: 2010 1 February :: 11.33am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Forever&always-ts

Once upon a time.
So...I have been very productive.
I have cleaned my whole house, kitchen bathrooms etc, and washed my father's truck.

I guess i haven't done that much.
but now I have to write a paper.
Which I have to due before I go to work tonight, at 5.

I've decided to give up on you.
Because I just need to.

I don't know.
I don't want you.
because you will just say It's about time.
and I'm not doing it for selfish reasons.
I am just doing it.
Doesn't matter why.

The end.

make conversation


:: 2010 29 January :: 2.55pm
:: Mood: cynical

Sand rains down, and here I sit
Holding rare flowers in a tomb...
In bloom.

You are such a waste of time. Thanks for reminding me.

make conversation


:: 2010 28 January :: 9.20am

Guess not
I've been taken away by an overwhelming sense of pleasure.
And not the physical kind, which I don't appreciate as much these days, but the kind that's easily snatched away by an intruder I've allowed in, and decided to roam and mess things up.
For now. I am happy.
And completely.
I know.
this isn't going to last.
And I know
that I am going to be upset
and hurt
and completely obliterated by anxiety/stress/longing.
But I care not.
I have you.
And if only for a time, then only for a time.

You've been spending so much time in California. Physical manifestation isn't necessary.

I love you.
The end. Soon.

make conversation


:: 2010 28 January :: 9.15am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: N.A

Missing you
Yeah...basically. That's all.

make conversation


:: 2010 27 January :: 11.33am
:: Mood: ditzy
:: Music: Tengo Hambre De Ti- Band

My brain is compacting with all the information i've jsut processed and typed up in the past five hours.
I've written two essays, and I have one big one I need to get done. I amnot worried about completing it, it's simple, and i know it's goign to be easy to do, but i have to arrange all my thoughts onto a single sheet of white nothingness on my computer without distraction or anything else and i'm not sure if I cn
I feel like my brain is goping to explode.
but it's ok.
i had a very nice night with my love.
And a very nice talk with my past.
And I keep thinking about both of them and about what I am going to do.
my heart goes out to my love, because i kinda get what he;'s feeling, even if he never says it.
I want to make him happy.
And he made me happy!
Haha sometimes I don;t expect him to be so cute.A\
And I don't even remember what went on last night
I kept falling asleep.
maybe one night I can do it with the person who originated that.

I need to take a break.
because i might die.
the end.



make conversation


:: 2010 26 January :: 8.38am
:: Mood: anxious

I really hope you're not freakin in jail.

make conversation


:: 2010 25 January :: 6.20pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: some jazz stuff. I like it

Nothing too exciting
there is this guy who works at starbucks, I don't know his name or anything. and I think he's in love with me.
No joke.
But I also do have Erotomania, so that's expected.

But I really think he likes me.
And he has a girlfriend, who he works with, so even if he wanted to pursue anything with me, he'd never be able to because he works with the girl he dumped.

But in other news.

Follow me on twitter!...


make conversation


:: 2010 25 January :: 11.09am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Vodka - Korpiklaani

Hi. I'm Kelli, and I am an addict.

I've decided I'm not going to accept that title anymore.
I have such an addictive personality, it sickens me.

What the heck. Me?!
That doesn't make any sense.
I was so strong.
Did everything on my own.
I got into a mess, I was the one who got myself out.
And I've gotten so accustomed to how things were that I long for it in something else.

It's hard for things to change in my life, because I always go through "rebounding"
And not in the normal sense of rebounding, because a "someone" isn't always involved.
But I rebound. And when it does come with a "someone," I rebound hard.
Like with Levi.
Forgive me for mentioning he that shant be named.
After we broke up, there was Nick, and Keith, And Jake.
All of them I did nothing with, Thank God for that. but they all came up at the same time...Like so conveniently.
It's funny because all of them I liked at one point in my lifetime.
And when I'm single and vulnerable, they come parading in one after the other and throw confusions in my head.
Nick and I actually dated...
Which still boggles my mind. But he has a gf now so good for him. Even though she's hella ugly.
And that Sean. I will always love him.
He's the thing that's so out of reach. And the thing that has never gotten closure because we've always been so messed up.
I hope one day we can start over, and things can be perfect, or in our definition of the closest thing to it...
I think we both deserve that.

I'll write later. My stomach is eating itself. ^_^

make conversation


:: 2010 24 January :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: The Velourium Camper II: Backend Of Forever

I ate lucky charms, came to my computer and started chatting with my friend Daniele, puked up lucky charms, and now I'm writing down my thought onto this little screen.

and it's been twenty minutes since i started this journal entry, but I am completely fine with that.
I like listening to chill music when I'm feeling so stellar.
I should call him soon.

I have to read a bunch of stuff, and don't want to.
I need a day planner.
And i was blessed wtih some money from my pastor today, which is amazing.

All in all, good day.
I hope tonight is just as dandy...

Write tomorrow. :]]]]]]]]!

make conversation


:: 2010 22 January :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Some jingle @thebux

I think.
I am awake.
And I want to see
How long I can go without sleeping.
I'm missing that one boy.
And it's taken me way to long to write way to little.

The end.

make conversation


:: 2010 22 January :: 9.35am
:: Mood: chipper

Good morning
I'm still deathly ill. My cough has gotten slightly better, so can't complain much.
Woke up this morning feeling good. My feet are so cold though, and I wish I could have gotten warm last night, but I went to bed with my feet freezing, mostly my legs, and that wasn't cute.
I woke up around 4, and at 4:30 Andrew called me?
I don't know why he did, I think he was on drugs, even though he doesn't do drugs.
But seriously...What would spawn a kid to call me at 4:30 in the morning. I mean I know I told him to call me later, but I didn't think he would take it to the almost end of extremities. What a weirdo.
It's still stuck in my head...what made him call me.
I remember waking up out of my sleepless state, and wondering, Andrew's calling me?
And he was like...HEY! Like it was a normal time of day to be calling people.
"Me and josh and Isaac are just hanging out..."
...Ok? Why does he insist on telling me this.
He's so weird.
I want to call him right now but I know he won't be up.

I'm trying to expand my brain capacity into memorizing songs from way back in the day, and some that I've written. Doing brain exercises I guess.
I want to be totally engulfed in school that it will be difficult to hold up any relationships with anyone in my immediate life.
Now is my time to work hard at what i know. And to learn what I don't.
I think being a student is one thing that always came easy to me, or one thing that was difficult, but I always enjoyed it.
I love being in school, learning new things, writing papers, talking about in-depth material, and everything else!
I'm passionate about school. To the very extent of that sentence.

I can't wait for what this semester brings to me.

I'm freakin trying to make a website for the women's group. I think it's going alright. We need more people.

I am happy. Really.

And all I have to say is...Last night was the best night I've had in a long while.

make conversation


:: 2010 21 January :: 5.24pm

I miss you. And people make me sick.

make conversation


:: 2010 21 January :: 4.41pm

I hope you revisit our past and hold onto something to last us in the future.

make conversation


:: 2010 21 January :: 11.51am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Sweet chaos of college-student angst.

This bloody cough
I can't seem to kick this cold. At least i'm not suffering from the fever part of it anymore
But then again, it's only been a day or so since my last fever.

I am so cold it's hard to breathe.
Well not really.
It's just hard to type, or get warm.

I'm sitting in the middle of my student cafe I guess, and there are these two people sitting at my table seated for five.
I need to get gloves...but a kind of glove that makes me not feel so desensitized to touch, but still keeps my hands warm.


I've gotten rid of all the distractions in my life, and cut off some ties to some people, not just one, and I think this clearing of my head will be good.
I can just focus on school and things in my immediate line of view.

I still love you though. I promise.

make conversation


:: 2010 20 January :: 4.57pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Cardigan Weather-Meg & Dia

It's taken me a great part of the day, but I've managed to read and delete all my past journal entries.
God...Reading them makes me hate myself, and give mad props to those who chose to stick around.
I was a disgusting creature.
Super attention craving, addicted to everything, everyone, I fed off of my own illness to be more sick.
And so, now comes the regret of...life.
Sorry to all of you who won't read this and who knew me back in '03-'06.
I was a wreck. and an awful one at that.
An awful wreck.

So...I'm sorry. I hope my sorrow reaches all of you who I don't talk to anymore...And I hope you feel it and recognize it well.

I can't stop thinking about you today.
Reading my journal entries makes it even worse.
So...To You especially, I am sorry.
I feel like I'm losing you again.
And it sucks.

Listening to an old song I used to love made me...hurt.


make conversation


:: 2010 20 January :: 10.58am
:: Music: Can't get you off my mind-Lenny Kravitz

I'm freezing
Someone came over last night and was telling my father and I a story about her life.
She was telling her tale of marriage, and how her marriage lasted twenty years, of true devotion.
And she didn't want to give up.
So she came to a crossroads in her life, and asked herself what she should do.
Her husband wasn't been that at all, he cheated and lied and decieved. The classic case.
So she was telling how he left. One night, she talked to him, and said "I want whatever God wants for us...And if that's to separate, then so be it."
and the very next morning he left.
She was devastated.
But she was telling us, how she would look at her old pictures from her marriage, and she'd feel bad for the person she was looking at.
She'd have sorrow for that woman, the one trapped in an unhappy marriage.
It was hard, so hard to let him go. Twenty years is a long time.
But she said she's happier.
More fulfilled.

That woman is insightful.
I've been thinking a lot about her lately.
Even though that was just last night I heard her story.
But I've been dwelling on it for quite some time.

The only reason I write in this journal is because I feel a bit more connected to my past than I was before.
In some way or another.
I think...When I stop writing in it, I'll sever the connections forever.

I don't want to. Not at all.

make conversation


:: 2010 19 January :: 4.50pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Some crappy starbucks jingle.

Life in general
I think I'm gonna start updating this thing religiously.
Even though I have to be careful with my laptop.
I dropped it today, because of my stupid backpack strap!
It's cool though.

I think these next couple weeks are going to be stellar.
I keep looking at my pictures, remembering the one guy I love has yet to see me in my essence with brown eyes.
Dearest love, here is a link to some pictures.
I hope you enjoy. I'm not as bad as I thought I was.


I have to pee.

I just demolished a sub.
It was so delicious.
I like writing in journals. It;'s healthy.

Anyways. I'm going home.
I hope that dumb guy I love calls me tonight.
Because I might not call himmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Paper due thursday.

make conversation


:: 2010 19 January :: 12.16pm
:: Mood: amused

It's been clinically proven that some cases have arisen in psychological studies that people who have seen the movie "Avatar" have been diagnosed and are dealing with severe cases of depression.
And I quote..."James Cameron's completely immersive spectacle "Avatar" may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora."

Our society is doomed.

make conversation


:: 2010 19 January :: 9.04am
:: Mood: calm

I'm back
With some artistic inspiration, I've found my muse again...
Even though that sentence was kinda backwards.

I am freezing.
I can't feel my fingers, and every attempt to make my legs stop hurting is futile.
What's wrong with me?
Today started off kinda bad.

This morning I was supposed to use my father's truck and take it to the bus stop and leave it there. And then supposed to take the bus to school, but alas, I didn't wake up to my alarm clock, but I successfully got ready, with shower, in ten minutes. High five.

And my dad was running late also, blaming it all on me (Of course!) and was yelling profusely all morning, I ended up missing the bus, my dad tried to chase it down with his truck, and he stopped right in front of the bus on a main highway and the bus driver didn't care. I got out and tried to wave him down, but he ignored my attempts to be saved JIT, and I ended up soaked in the rain walking across a busy highway to get back into my dad's truck.
I was cool through it all.
At first I wanted to scream, mostly at my dad, but then I was ok.
I figured I'd just take the next bus into town, which came at 9, takes an hour to get to my school, so I'd miss my first class. Which I was fine with, because I thought I'd be missing one of my due dates for an assignment, but I found out that it's not due until the 28th, hoo-feckin-ray.
And the study guide I need isn't due until the end of the year.
High five.
I feel like i was saved by the...angry dad?
But it turns out my dad was looking for an excuse to be late to work, good employer's award be delivered to Patterson, california, and so he said "I'll just take you to school."
So...He gave me a ride to school, totally unexpected. And he seemed he was cooled off on the ride there. Which everyone in the world could benefit from.
He was joking and what-knot.
I'm glad he was chill.
I think I'm going to apologize to him just for good measure.
that will make him feel bad.
I hope my fingers warm up after a while...I don't think I could successfully write anything in my psych class.
It's that much harder to type.
It's taken me twice as long to write this because I keep having to go back and correct my spelling errors.

People make me sick.


I am looking at my student body, and disgust is the number one feeling I have regarding them.
I told my friend Donald that I hated my whole entire student body.
I don't think that idea is too far fetched.
I have 15 minutes to get to my first class, so I better be doing that.
Ah I need to catch up on my assignments, ALREADY.
It's literally the 3rd day of school.

Oh well.
I'll make it.

You won't have to share me, I'm yours for the taking.

make conversation


:: 2010 19 January :: 8.20am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: the Test-A Classic Crime

This song makes me think...

"All I can think of is how much I'd kill to be sleeping.
I'm squinting my eyes, my mind's drifting to secrets I'm keeping.
And the long-hauling trucks are all parked in their stops, just like...
luminous ghosts of something that once was.
The riggs look to empty when framed by their lies.
And that's what I'm feeling...
So here's to the promise of glamorous living.
You must drink up now cuz that's all that you're getting, If you
Haven't been tested, you certainly will.
And I promise, it's going to kill."

I wrote a long drawn out journal entry, but woohu messed it up.
I'll write one later.

make conversation


:: 2009 8 December :: 9.22pm

I feel good. Rough around the edges, but things are changing. Maybe it's thinking back to the things that mattered before this weird fog. Maybe it's the major key playing in the stereo.

Most people get out- I know that I need to break out and shine anyway.

I'm carrying this belief that if I go, I'll fuck it up- that the new people won't like me, that I won't succeed in the new place.

All of that is juvenile- this place started as passion and a way with words. All the pretentious anti-personal anti-poetry came later.

My roots as a person are the things that I can't make sense out of.

Maybe I should let myself acknowledge how foreign all of the rest is to me right now.

I can't breathe, but there's a big smile on my face anyway.

"But the oranges just sit there and never ripen!"

"Stalinist fruit."

make conversation


:: 2009 8 December :: 9.19pm

"This is what I'm learning from this trip; I need friends, true friends, talk deeply, laugh deeply friends. And I need self-control. I need to not get away from myself or my best intentions. And I need to really live, really connect, really be human. Really.

I need to love, really. That's important. I need to be as human as I can without being human at everyone else's expense."

June 21st, 2009

How do people loose sight of moments like these?

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:: 2009 7 October :: 11.45am

Those are the things that stun me.

Life has so much continuity, it gives me goose bumps.

make conversation


:: 2009 17 September :: 3.56pm

I was there. I took the step, I bridged the gap.

I'm still afraid, and I'm still dodging my best intentions, letting myself get away from myself.

I know who I am. He's not just coming into view, but exploding into Technicolor.

This is without system or method- I know that's hard for people to understand. Everyone feels abandoned by me, but it's not abandonment. It's just a newer (older?) me.

And this is deep. A lot deeper than anything I've ever experienced. Quiet, calm, almost still- but the vibrancy is undeniable and inescapable. I've always been afraid I would lose it, but I think it's been chasing me all along.

He's there, but he's very different than I expected. I expected either loud or quiet, fun or solemn. I expected him to fit.

And it's ironic. What I realized was how bad I need people, and what I did was ignore all of them.

I feel awful- but it's just begun.

And she's right, haahaha. She's got us pegged. I wonder if they all accept that better than I realized? They don't protest.

I never knew as much as I thought. But this is freedom, and I like it a little better.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation


:: 2009 7 May :: 9.57pm

Baby I've been here before,
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold
and it's a broken


I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you.
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the lord of song
with nothing on my tongue

but hallelujah.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation


:: 2009 1 April :: 10.18pm

I remember that beach. Dinner on the porch, everyone dressed well. The heat lamps and laughter and the unity of awe over the sunset on the water. The feel, the vibrancy, the laughter, and closeness in the air.

Like the square, with the fountains and all the prayer.

It's everything this cold, empty, loneliness isn't.

I guess I know how much it meant to me. Such a small thing, but now that it's gone, I feel like I've lost the whole world.

I love you, man. Never doubt that. And I'm on your side, when it does come to sides. And really, so is he, even if that doesn't mean a thing to you.

Still my friend...but not the same. It changes nothing, but everything's different.

I don't get it either, I just wish things were the way they were. I wish we were eating dinner on that beach. I wish we were in that square, arms locked. I pray that tonight, as I sleep, those memories will pass through my mind a hundred times. I love those memories.

I have regrets. I can't deny that. I've treated you like shit, and I turned a shoulder when you needed me the most. I see that now. But I never turned my back, and it couldn't have been that way forever. Things move on, people grow up, and maybe that's what this is all about. Or maybe it's about being young.

I know how this will end, I guess. One of two ways, and either is fine because it's your choice. But I'm a liar and a false friend if I tell you I'm not scared.

My God,
You know it's true; I am so scared.

make conversation


:: 2009 22 January :: 10.38pm

Sometimes I'm made of clay, and sometimes steel. I'm either waiting for the hands to mold me, create me, and put me through fire or I'm cold and still, isolated. I know I should always be clay, but I always want to be steel. Nonetheless, sometimes I'm made of clay, and sometimes steel.

I just want to know if there's such thing as a should.

I feel like there is, in the deepest corners of my soul. But my brain tells me other wise.

I can't help but feel that my brain tells me wrong. I can't be both steel and clay, but I have to.

I want to. I want to be that nobody that is everything and knows everyone, but is still nobody.

That's the kind of person I want to be.

But I'm not.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation


:: 2008 12 December :: 11.08am

I found my computer, I aced my History final, all my grades are being submitted today, I'm going to eat pho in two hours.

But I still don't know if I'm accepted to Whitworth for (potentially) six more hours. I might shit myself.

1 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation


:: 2008 31 October :: 12.18am

And so she limps back into port.

Why the hell am I not doing my homework?

5 you constantly make it impossible to | make conversation

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