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aaron
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2008 12 October :: 9.48pm
The cynicism that wants to say I'm just chasing memories is dying away. I'm not, and what would it even matter if I was?
I can't be too concerned with this. I just need the emotional detox from time to time. It's a way out of myself and into something else.
I'm exhausted.
Every time I launch down one of these intellectual tangents I find myself back in this place. Answerless.
I'm not an academic, God forbid I should ever be. What a worthless, pitiful, miserable waste of life. Do I want to spend the rest of my days comforting myself with the illusion that by faking omniscience and judging others I'm some how pushing the progress of humanity? Fifty thousand years of human experience and all we've managed to "progress" to is some fancy gadgets and the undermining of moral uniformity. What do we award people Nobel prizes for again?
We have not changed. We will not change. Unless we evolve into something else (which we won't, thankfully, because the general public doesn't look favorably on social Darwinism) we will never move past our shadow.
I refuse (and please, please hold me to this) to devote my life to figuring anything out. I'm not God, I don't want to be. I just want to love people. That's all. Love God, love people, and that's it. That's all I've got left in me.
I've exhausted my ability to understand. I'm done with the books and the debates. I'm done with academia. I don't care. I don't care because I don't understand, and I don't care because I don't think anyone else understands either.
Lewis got to a point where he said, "I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived."
I have been so blindingly afraid of coming to that point because it seems illegitimate, even scandalous for and eighteen year old of a mediocre intellect to make the same claims as one of the twentieth century's philosophical giants made, much less at the end of his life.
Nonetheless, here I stand. I haven't any answers. I don't want answers, I want life. I want love. I'm done with this philosophical wall-flowering. I don't want an outside perspective, an objective view. I want to be in the thick of it, and know it first hand. I don't think there is any teacher more legitimate than experience, and experience is not objective.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 10.50pm
And maybe, on that note, it's better not to make a big deal out of all this. This isn't a revelation, it's a return to normalcy. It's not an addition, it's just putting it all back together. And nothing's different, it's just complete.
So I'm just me.
And what I feel at this moment is overwhelming love for almost everyone I can think of. Which feels a lot like me.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 8.52pm
Kirsten and I have been dating eleven months tomorrow. Which makes today the eleventh month since I chickened out on asking her out.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 8.46pm
As for the crocs thing, my dad had bought him and I a pair because they were on blow out and, more importantly, actually in our size (we have the same shoe size).
I was offended. No idea why. I can't begin to explain why it would've offended me, it just did. It was insulting.
I've always thought they looked a little silly, but I've never felt strongly about them.
I wore them around for a while and they actually grew on me. With wool socks, it's like wearing slippers but lighter.
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aaron
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2008 28 September :: 8.43pm
Gender is a strange thing.
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aaron
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2008 13 September :: 11.19pm
Why would I have an ethical aversion to wearing crocs?
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aaron
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2008 1 September :: 12.07pm
I'm not being left behind
but it seems like everyone's left. This is a prime opportunity. This is starting over without abandoning everything I've built thus far.
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aaron
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2008 31 July :: 1.36pm
I can actually feel the line being pushed and battered. With every minute it moves farther.
Attack. Counter-attack. Progress. Ambush. Retreat. Attack. Attack. Counter-attack. Progress. Ambush. Retreat.
I don't hate people. I love people. But something in me lunges forward at prime opportunities to convince myself otherwise.
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aaron
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2008 11 June :: 11.41am
:: Mood: angry
I'm not sure what makes me so angry. In truth, I just want to be able to enjoy it like a normal person. At a distance, from a calm, inactive standpoint. Mentally passive observation, acknowledging it's presence and accepting the benefit of that, but not experiencing the mess that comes with it.
I can sort of coax myself into it...but what happens if I stop paying attention, cut off the effort? Do I fall back into hate and rage, or does my soul linger in the vibrant, energetic comfort of the situation?
Or is it all just fear, and I a coward?
...
...
Do you ever write something and not understand why? This whole passage begs a question, and it's one that I can't answer for anyone who would be reading this. And yet I want someone to know, even if they don't understand.
But what I really want is for someone to understand.
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aaron
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2008 24 May :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: amused/comfortable
hahaha...I guess that the noun would be the verb, then, wouldn't it?
In both trust and love. And faith, too, I suppose. Hope follows in form of faith. So all of life's goals are passively active? In all things I should actively not pursue, but rather relax, give up my "fish and loaves", and surrender myself to the consequences in full knowledge that they are to my benefit, although I may not see from here why? Yes.
To be as I am and know I am without really considering the purpose of it being that way. I don't know why I was made male over female anymore than I know why I am white and not black, American and not Chinese, Human and not a dog. I am, and should act. Funny that acting on those things is a surrender for me. How I have struggled so furiously to understand without realizing by doing so I was doing nothing...the Hamlet effect. In summary, I think too much. If I don't shut myself up from time to time, I'll never get anything done. The simpler way of thinking might better suit me. Wisdom is powerful, but only in context of simplicity. That's what makes it Wisdom instead of knowledge. You can know everything there is to know without being wise, and you can be the wisest person in the world without ever knowing anything. Maybe then wisdom is simply taking what we don't know and using it in context of what we do.
I need to be a more practically minded individual in order to achieve my ideals. That's the chasm, the leap of faith. I must surrender my ideals to obtain them. "Whoever keeps his life shall lose it, but whoever gives up his life for my sake shall keep it." God's economy, if God can be described as economical.
Oh there I go again.
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aaron
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2008 10 May :: 8.46pm
I sense in them a wealth of knowledge yet unattained. If I seek anything, it is completion. If I desire anything, it is to know wholeness.
The Adam in me is hopelessly lost without Eve, yet strangely and supernaturally pacified. But it's temporal, in waiting. In expectancy. What He has done to prepare me has also stayed the flow of desire, but I am not cursed, I sense, to that wretched loneliness that, were I God, would not be forgiven me.
There is something I can learn from them. We are cultures far apart, and rather than get them to see mine I should tell them what I see in terms of theirs. Learn a new language.
In the context of my dad and I, we're nothing alike. In the context of everyone else...well, we're probably more alike than I would willingly admit under other, less humbling circumstances.
...
I really like folk and soul.
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aaron
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2008 17 April :: 10.51pm
He never grows weary. He never let's up. He is never defeated. Time and time again I drive him back, chain him down, and run as hard as my legs can allow.
How are you one step ahead of me? How can you keep your breath?
And though I fall, I am not fallen. Though death seizes me, I do not die. Though I am struck, my body is whole.
I am so weary of fighting him. I want him to just die...but he is me?
Who is more myself? The zealous, devout, vengeful Lazarus? The indulgent, kniving, amiable Aaron? Both with virtue, both with vice. Never at peace. Always at odds.
Hope is an odd thing..."Come all you weary, lay down your loads."
Grace odder still. I am so grateful for all that I have, for the chance to fight this way, to see things from this vantage point.
I don't know where this is going.
I'm sorry? This is an apology. I've disgraced myself and my friends. Those dearest, those I've told I would guard. Time and time again I betray my intentions. But He is there, always beckoning, always welcoming, despite my flaws. I'm going to go to him now, when I feel most useless.
"The Lion's outside of your door, the Wolf's in your bed. The Lion's claws are sharpened for war, the Wolf's teeth are red."
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aaron
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2008 9 April :: 10.21pm
Now that I'm here, I don't ever want to look back
All that any of this is really worth to me is just knowledge. Knowledge that my identity is not dependant on my short-comings. Knowledge that I fought the good fight. Knowledge that I did what was best regardless of the circumstance. Knowledge that as long as I don't lean on myself, my life is worth being proud of.
Kameran had a really good idea. He took a dry erase marker and wrote all the reasons he was worth loving on his mirror.
I should paint "Death Be Not Proud" on my bedroom wall.
Death be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful for thou art not so. For those whom thou art thinkst thou dost overthrow die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me. For rest and sleep which but thy pictures be, much pleasure then from thee much more must flow. And soonest with thee our best men do go; rest their bones and souls delivery. Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men and doth with poison war and sickness dwell and poppy or charms can make us sleep as well or better than thy stroke. Why swellst thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, and Death shall be no more. Death, thou shalt die.
Kirsten and I have had some really cool talks since then.
Haha, the bus-ride, the sports movie, the chic flick, the red-bull, the elevator...
It's amazing how much I appreciate my girl when I haven't been able to think of her that way for a week.
The Mexico spirit is still alive, I think. I can see it in the way people still communicate so well now. It's a bummer that I'm going out of town on Friday, but Saturday night I can hang with them.
And Sunday I should talk with Bob.
Ah...seven thirty class tomorrow. Know what that means? Bed-time.
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aaron
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2008 25 March :: 9.27pm
I suppose there comes a point where every one who does this sort of thing asks this sort of question.
Is it defining of me? Certainly not.
But it is facing my past and giving up is surrendering to that past.
So I can't give up. Never, ever, ever give up.
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aaron
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2008 19 March :: 10.04pm
TELL ME ARE YOU FREE
WHILE THE GALLOWS STAND
AND BULLETS LANCE
THE BRAVEST LUNGS
WILL I FOLD MY HANDS?
OR HOLD MY TONGUE?
OR LET THE FLAMES LICK AT MY FEET
AND BREATHE IN FIRE AND KNOW I'M FREE?
the flames will rise and devour me. To breathe in fire...
...and know I'm free
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aaron
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2008 17 March :: 11.38pm
I keep chasing myself in circles inside of my head.
But it's not really going anywhere right now. I feel loved all of a sudden...
out of nowhere some strong affection is raining down on me.
So I'll take this moment of peace as an opportunity to get some sleep.
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aaron
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2008 17 March :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: Sad
I want to be Superman.
But I'm not. I'm Paul.
I can't fly in and save the day. I don't have some sense in the back of my head that tingles when I there's someone in distress. I haven't done anything that amazing. I haven't saved people from burning buildings. I haven't cured a disease.
I'm not Superman.
I'm Paul.
I'm Paul.
I'm Paul.
What does that mean...?
Ton Amie...
haha
She makes me feel so loved...you all do. I go on these crazy rants, and even though you don't say a word I know you read...at least sometimes.
Thank you.
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aaron
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2008 23 February :: 10.42pm
Words really are sawed off shotguns. I can't hit just what it is...
I see now by what isn't what is, and it makes me so grateful.
That I have moved on, and that I am a new and different person. Knowing that, and loving what has become of my life.
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aaron
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2008 10 January :: 8.13am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: The Whaler
"I am not alone
But powerfully alive
so that desperate fear
pales and fades
before desperate love"
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aaron
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2008 3 January :: 6.35am
:: Mood: peaceful
Yesterday was really, really good.
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aaron
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2007 7 November :: 8.04am
I feel like I should write something, for tradition's sake. I feel like the cliches should boil out of my skin and flow down to my finger tips, tattooing some private page with dreams of unfathomable perfection.
I wait, yet nothing comes. The difference, perhaps?
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aaron
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2007 2 November :: 10.21am
As flattered as I was by all the comments you guys left about Kirsten and I, I was getting a little weirded out.
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aaron
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2007 29 October :: 10.19am
Watered by the blood of martyrs, blessed and blind as sons and daughters. Sleep with one eye open, live with both eyes shut. So let's find the place where sight begins and see the things that we saw when our eyes were bright and wet against the light.
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aaron
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2007 19 October :: 6.34am
It was a paralysis inducing beauty. I couldn't go.
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aaron
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2007 18 October :: 7.42am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Grace can still be found in the Gale. With fear and reverence raise your ragged sail.
I skipped to class to watch the sunrise
My romanticism will be the end of me.
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aaron
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2007 4 October :: 11.54pm
:: Music: Firebreather
What just happened to me defies all logic.
I'm totally torn in two. All truths funnel into two completely contradictory realities, neither of which I can avoid.
I love. I love. I love.
What does that mean exactly? There is a chemical cocktail coursing through my brain? There's an airy feeling in my chest?
No. No euphoria. Totally unconventional. A quiet wind, whispering constantly.
But these words make no sense! How am I to decipher that which is inconceivable? By believing one, I prove the other. And if I do not believe the one, I curse myself to the other which cannot be thereby fulfilled in my devices.
But it's not by my devices, is it?
This flesh is not my own
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aaron
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2007 1 October :: 8.20am
:: Music: Digital Sea
I woke, cold and alone,
adrift in the open sea;
caught up in regrets,
and tangled in nets,
instead of your arms wrapped around me.
And I wept but my tears are anathema here,
just more water to fill my lungs.
I hear someone scream,
"God what is it we have done?"
I am drowning in a digital sea;
Here my voice goes, to ones and zeros,
I'm slipping beneath the sound.
A song from somewhere below,
deadly and slow begins.
Both sickly and sweet,
now picking up speed,
and ushering in the world's end.
And the ghost of Descartes screams again in the dark,
"Oh how could I have been so wrong?"
But above the screams still the sirens sing their song.
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aaron
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2007 5 September :: 10.03pm
I need to stop listening to music. It messes with my head when I'm trying to write.
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aaron
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2007 5 September :: 9.36pm
"duuuude.
I assume you are making reference to the incident of the, ahem, "creamy concoction."
or wait, are you talking about. . . uhh. . . the cruise!?!?
thats going to be so fucking awesome.
I MEAN SO FUCKING AWESOME!!
i can't even scream loud enough to depict how awesome that cruise is going to be, let alone how much i shit my pants every time i think about it.
YES.
and also, we will try to hit on the flight attendants. just to be douhcebags. Because you know what you can't get kicked off of?
an airplane."
haha, thanks alex
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