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godessalthena

:: 2021 1 February :: 8.13am
:: Mood: crushed

had to quit d&d because someone was being paranoid that I was trying to get him killed and fucking tried at me for how I play the game.

if it was the first time is be like whatever, even if it was the 3rd time, but this shit has been going on at least a year and I'm fucking over it.

I'm not really used to people hating me like that for no reason. I'm not great at the game, the rules are convoluted and boring, I just wanted to role play. but I couldn't even do that without someone always talking over me.

just like in my real life. I'm so fucking boring people can't even wait until I'm done talking before they start their own story.

I'm so boring even my bf constantly ditches me.

I'm literally the most boring doormat. you just want me money and my effort, you don't want ME.

it feels like no one wants me.
rejected toy painted with lead paint
repugnant petulant

MUNDANE, MOROSE, TEDIOUS, DULL, DISAPPOINTING, CHUCKLEHEAD dumb ass bitch.

I hate every day.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2021 29 January :: 11.47pm

had to quit d&d

I'm bummed

but I'm done wasting my precious time off dealing with that asshat.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2021 27 January :: 8.25am

in my freshman year in college I had a lot of feminine issues and saw SEVERAL doctors

but the one I remember the most was the one that handed me a mirror and let me watch the exam and told me what I was looking at.

that woman made a fundamental difference to my life, and I wish I could thank her. I hope she's alive and well and doing well.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2021 22 January :: 1.19pm

I'm starting to feel like there are only like 5 people who would call me a friend.

the rest are just people I interact with occasionally, for 5 years, we can't be friends.

I just can't fucking make friends.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2021 19 January :: 8.31am
:: Music: smashmouth Lord help me

smashmouth and cake always remind me of better times. I've been looking back more and more at my experiences, and I feel myself slipping away into a lethal kind of nostalgia.

I miss the friends I used to have.
I miss giving a strong impression of a sense of self.
I miss having fun.

All I really want are more people I can laugh until I cry with.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2021 13 January :: 3.16pm

what ever happened to ska?
remember the mickey avalon concert where we met?

and that birthday party. all those birthday parties.

I miss you friend, I wonder where you disappeared to, why you ghosted me, and if you're still doing alright.

I hope things are good for you. you deserve the best

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2021 12 January :: 6.10am

regret is a deep rabid river, constantly trying to pull you under

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2021 2 January :: 11.50pm

is it just me or deep at it's core metal is really fucking dorky? have you actually ever listened to the lyrics

the guitar licks may be sick, but those words knock it out if me

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 8 December :: 2.05pm

on a more positive note I made home made gnocchi with leftover KFC potatoes and they turned out really tasty!

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 8 December :: 8.07am
:: Music: good girls (don't get used)

maybe it's time for a real update...

4 months until our lease is over. then he wants to leave Spokane. I never thought I'd want to stay here so much.

but I'm so conflicted because living somewhere else could be really fun and whatever.. but I don't make friends, and if I move away I'm basically isolating myself...

it's just so hard when I feel like you hate me every single day. half the time I talk to you, you're just an ass. I know you're going through some really hard things, and life seems pointless, and everyone is your enemy. but I'm not. im on your team. just be fucking nice to me.

but all this negativity has me thinking that maybe somehow I deserve what I get. I deserve to consistently have a broken heart. consistently forgotten and pushes aside for others. not invited, not talked to, just leav me alone. I'm tired of the game and all I want to do is bury myself under a blanket of dirt and soft moss, with a pillow of flowers and pine needles. leave me there and forget my existence some how touched you.

I feel a dark heavy hole where my heart used to be. I feel a lingering pain where a soul supposedly existed. an absence mind where intelligence and creativity once sat.

I'm drowning in bad feelings I'm filled with intrusive thoughts the voice in my head is never sweet or kind to me I miss my family so. fucking. much.

I just miss everyone. I miss everything. I wish everything didn't get so fucked up. I wish I knew how I felt and I wish I could say it out loud. I am invisible, inconsequential, worthless, and a waste. I'm aa bank account. I'm just a good credit score and too generous.i have trouble making boundaries and even more terrible maintaining them.

the only thing keeping me is knowing how sad everyone would be if I killed myself. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 7 December :: 6.40pm

I know I say this a lot.

but fuck do I hate being alive.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 26 November :: 6.45pm

I hate every single second I'm alive

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 26 November :: 12.44pm

these feelings are inescapable
like a black straight jacket suffocating me
I'm so so miserable no matter my circumstances
and that isn't fair to anyone


except me because I deserve to feel this way

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 17 November :: 9.16pm

remember when we saw secret window with Johnny depp and painted pottery for your birthday? that was a good day.

I miss those days.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 17 November :: 10.22am

holidays are cancelled this year. I miss my family.

been practicing making pretzels. they taste really good, they are light and fluffy, I just always feel like they are too soft. I am so scared of over kneading because I tried making tortellini from scratch before and they were so tough I thought they would break my teeth.

I'll knead it longer next time. I wish my oven was bigger.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 19 October :: 10.00am

my life is a shitty mess

but at least I'm not a heroin addict I guess

:(

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 9 October :: 10.34am

that moment when your boss says none of us have a racist bone in our bodies, when every propaganda video they have been showing us says we are all just a lil racist.

this is a team of white people talking about racism and privilege. one hispanic lady everyone thinks is white. I don't think there is too much going on here.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 4 October :: 8.18am

i need you like water in my lungs

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 15 September :: 12.59pm

I hurt myself today

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 14 September :: 10.06am

that feeling when your soul is an open window, and everyone can see the wind blow through.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 29 August :: 10.21pm

someone actually paid me back today what the fuck

this is a strange feeling

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 21 August :: 7.59am

I very literally hate every day.

I hate my life.

I hate my choices in life.

I hate the future.

I just want to give up so badly. all this struggle and for what. nothing fucking MEANS ANYTHING.

it's all just cheap plastic emotions and cheap plastic people and cheap plastic money.

I'm so lonely.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 11 August :: 5.54pm

quarantine is taking me back to the sus era.

I feel so isolated and lonely.

I don't like living, I'm done having my dreams crushed.

time to stop dreaming. and start existing in the mud like the fat ugly pig I am.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 30 July :: 9.38am

who have I become?

I don't even recognize myself anymore

there's a stranger under my skin

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 25 July :: 12.38pm

trapped in a box, reaching my breaking point

I need a vacation

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 15 July :: 8.35am

I am really depressed, but a secret depressed that is hiding under a somewhat composed exterior.

I don't know the words to say, or not to say. I know massages and hugs are always comforting. but feeling this God damn helpless to bright his future horizon.

imagine your father dies. imagine he does because some asshole didn't think it was important to wear a mask in public because it's stepping on their "liberties". now imagine the last conversation with your dad was not a positive one, and there is literally no chance now for you to make things right.

now imagine this is the 3rd time it's happened since September.

what the fuck does your best friend/lover/fiance do to help? saying "it'll be okay" feels so cheap and hollow in this situation. "think of the good things" when they are being dragged to the bottom of the ocean by chains of guilt seems an impossible taste, as the darkness of the deep swallows slowly the sun light.

and I never got to give him a grandchild he'll see. I never really got to know him. and now that's a part of my life i have to miss. and our possible child will miss too.

my mind turns to my folks. what if they catch it? will I only have 5 days and no ability to see them or talk to them? will I have to make a life support decision?

my mom lost both her parents by my age. I literally can't even imagine how I would survive that. and now it's a reality for so many millennials. and my heart absolutely breaks for everyone who's lost family or friends to this stupid fucking virus, and these stupid fucking rude americans who all just live in their own hellish little bubble of self pity self loathing and inability to take responsibility for anything.

I can't help but agree with him though, like... in the face of all of this... what's the point? what is the fucking point of this absurd existence on an insignificant dot in the middle of no where in the vast infinity of the universe?

the only meaning life has, is the meaning you give it.

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 11 July :: 9.44am

and just like that he's gone.

3rd in 12 months. life is really fucking unfair.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 7 July :: 10.30am

trying to remain calm
trying to have positive thoughts
but what if he dies?

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 4 July :: 8.25am

I keep wondering what's the point of moving forward.

I'm a miserable person doomed to feel this way for the rest of life.

I won't make a good mother, I'll teach my child how to be spineless, how to be a doormat, how to pathetically let people walk all over them.

I can't even carry a conversation. I can't make friends. I'm just boring, fat and hideous.

I don't want to buy a house anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to take care of anyone but myself. I just want to be alone and hide in my little hole.

I just want to be let go, so I can start my homesick fade to white.

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me


godessalthena

:: 2020 27 June :: 11.01am

I'm not a rock

I'm crumbling sand stone

just garbage in the wind lacerating your lungs

shredding your heart

completely worthless

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

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