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shroudofrain

:: 2018 17 July :: 9.57pm

I Kind of Hate Being a Dad
Kinda weird to read, right?

Weirder to write.

Don't get me wrong here, it's not that I hate my kids, that's farther from the truth.
I hate being a dad.

I have four kids, and I guess the term is "stair-step"?
They are 5, 4, 3, and 5 months at the time of me writing this, and it's hard to imagine life without them.

I have this tendency, though, to not get the best of my emotions... and sometimes those emotions drive.
I'll yell about stupid stuff like cleaning their room, I'll punish them for having an attitude or talking back; it drives me crazy when they ignore what I'm telling them or when I'm trying to get their attention.

All this time, I fail to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3 (the 5 month old doesn't know that part of me yet, or at least has not been on the receiving end).

I sent my kids to bed tonight angry because they weren't going to sleep... again, failing to remember that they are 5, 4, and 3.
I yelled. They cried. I yelled some more; they went to sleep, and I feel like trash.
So I did what every parent does then they want to figure out why they are such a sucky parent: I Googled "why am I angry all the time?"

What I found shocked me.

An article popped up that caught my eye: Irritable Depression: When Sadness Feels Like Anger (I'll leave a link at the end).

What I read took me off guard. I am angry, and on a hair-line trigger in my home... because I'm depressed.
I'm depressed that I didn't think I'd be at this point in my life -married five years with four kids at 29.
I'm depressed that I'm not where I saw myself being ten years ago -holding a steady and well-paying career, with maybe a kid or two. I'm depressed that I have a beer gut and barely drink beer. I'm depressed that I feel like my four kids hate me... and I hate that.

James 1:19 - "So then, my friends, let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."

Ephesians 6:4 - "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but raise them and train them in admonition of the Lord."

It is clear in scripture that God does not want us to let anger control our actions. We should have control over what we do, and when we say we love God, our actions should reflect that confession of faith; when any emotion is taking the helm of our actions -whether it be anger, sadness, anything like that- it's not a good thing.
It is also clear that it is hard to understand the character of God that is defined as a Father, until you become a father yourself.

We, as God's children, do things we know we shouldn't do over and over again -a lot of the time the same exact thing, over... and over again. It's one thing to experience this dynamic when you are the one constantly needing mercy and grace... but when you're the one who has to constantly give it, we find far too often that we are like that servant to the king in one of Jesus' parables where the servant owed the king an unplayable debt, but the king showed mercy and grace by obsolving the debt, but when the servant was the one collecting a debt, he showed no grace, no mercy, and in fact was angry and sinned.

As I'm writing this I feel like crap for being this way to my children.

What I have done is let my emotions get the better of me and control me; what I have done is not show the character of God to my children very well.
What I have done, is sinned: against my children, and against God.

I said I hate being a dad, and in a way I do.

I hate that my actions are being observed and absorbed constantly by carbon-based copies of myself.

I hate that I have to teach things like saying "please" and "thank you" all the while wonder where they got the concept of "mine" and "no."

I hate that being a dad is so hard.

And not that I abhor hard work, but being a parent is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I love my kids, though.
I hug them when they are hurt.
I give them morning tickles, every morning.
I make them coffee at church.
I comb and brush their hair.
I get sad when I have to go to work and give them a hug goodbye.
I get so happy to hear "DADDY!!!" when I first step out of my car getting back from work.
I love reading the Bible to my children every night.
I love getting pictures of the silly stuff my wife and kids do at home while I'm gone.

I could not imagine my life without my children.
I'd be sad if they were gone. I'm sad when they go to grandpa's for a weekend.

I say I kind of hate being a dad, but what I really mean by that is that it hurts being a dad. It hurts a lot: it requires so much of you, for so long.
It's stressful.
It's repetitive.
It's chaotic.
It's got high heights and low lows.
It's manic.
It's lonely.
It's depressing.
It hurts... bad.

But.... it's so worth it.

Tomorrow I'm going to make things right; expect an update.



https://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/mood-disorders/irritable-depression-when-sadness-feels-like-anger/amp/


emo414

:: 2006 12 July :: 12.37pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Catching Up
So it has been over a year since the last woohu entry and i dont really know what to write about in this online journal of mine. in past journal entries i have discussed my worry concerning frankie and his lifestyle but in this past year all of my previous concerns and what they dealt with have multiplyed in severity by 300 percent. Frankie has been gone for about a week now. he is in utah at a rehab facility, in which his mom shiped him off too with no notice to his friends. just shipped him off one day like an unwanted package. i dont honestly think anyone still reads woohu because it has been forever since the craze of online journals has actually subsided but i dont know where else to write about my thoughts. i have been thinking of frankie pretty much non-stop over the past week and thinking of how i failed him and myself and his mom and sister by letting him get to the point he did. to this day i blame myself for the way he has turned out even though i know you really cant blame yourself for others, i do, especially in the instance of frankie, my bestfriend since first grade. this coming year i will be a senior and now knowing for a fact that frankie will not be back for another six months or more, i wonder what the point of the past 11 years of my life has been when i wont even be able to graduate highschool with my true child hood friend. i think of how much i have truly failed and that i cant even keep the one friend whom i hope is my friend for life in check and how it was me who after he stopped smoking pot for approached him one day saying "i would like to try it.... lets get some bud." i think about how i am the one who brought up the idea of smoking pot and reintroducing it into frankie's life. that is why i blame myself because for me, his best friend, he quit smoking and then for me he started again, and that was the beginning of his downward spiral into a life infused with constant drug and alcohol abuse. even though i know i wont see or talk to him for at least another 5 months and 3 weeks, i still cant help but smile when i think about him because even with all the bad memories and constant worry about what he is doing or who he is hanging out with, i still cant forget the memories that established our friendship, and when he comes home i hope that our friendship will become stronger, the way it used to be, when we used to revolve our lives around the time we spent together. i think this is all i can write about frankie before i get emotionally destrought. so..... bye for now.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2005 23 April :: 11.03pm
:: Mood: amazed
:: Music: "work" - jimmy eat world

same old lines
"All the best DJs r savin
Their slowest song for last
When the dance is through
Its me and u
Come on would it really be so bad
The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure

All I can say
I shouldn't say
Can we take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
You want to take a ride?
Get out of this place
While we still have time
Yeah - We still have time

Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you"

they are the lines that come from movies
the lines that come from magazines on how to let him/her off easy
the lines come from every lame hearted person trying to get out of a relationship and they couldnt use what they really wanted to say because they didnt have the courage
the lines like "its me not YOU" and "we can still be great friends right?"
and it seems like no matter how much the person on the recieving end of those words wants to say cut the bullshit, they never do. they rather take the lines, knowing they r bullshit, and walk away from the whole situation, knowing all along "u got beat, someone is better than you, someone brings a new element to the line talker's life."

i never thought i would be one of those people on the recieving end of those lines, or be the one to say them at all. but most of all i never expected myself to take those lines and not demand to be told the truth, and be one of those people who puts up with the bullshit. i love being straight forward and i respect when others do as well. i thought i would always deserve and demand the straight forward hardcore information from someone that i spent so much time with and had so much involved in a relationship with. i never thought someone that i cared so much about would feed me those bullshit lines, and on that note i never thought someone who claimed she loved me would say those lines either. but i guess i expected too much out of people. i always put so much faith into things and always get shut out or let down. i think iam through putting my all into relationships that are one day just going to end. i think i am going to invest all my time in friends and maybe have some hook ups on the side. and i say that now in the heat of the moment but in a day or two i will be longing to have that relationship back, or A relationship back, because i need the security and comfort that a second member to a party brings.

its kind of humorous, i think i called this relationships ending. if u read the last entry i thought after the second time she would go to the arms of a friend. and i think i was right. it hasnt happened yet and i dont know if i can handle the whole situation again. it sucks how everytime i set myself up for disaster. in the end i can always blame myself for what happens, either i introduced them or something else along those circumstances, but i always come back and blame myself for what happened. i guess there is another one of my flaws that i should cut out. blaming myself for everything. like the downhill movement of a friends life, or the realtionship gone sour between me and "the ex." oh well. it all comes with being young and stupid i guess.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2005 23 March :: 9.56pm
:: Mood: disbelief
:: Music: there is - boxcar racer

its all over
i sit here on the clutches of tears and throwing up. i sit here thinking about the past nine nearing ten months of my life and wonder what it was all for. wondering how a moment of downtime in a relationship can make everything buckle under the pressures and experiences of everyday life. i guess its just being a teenager and the grounds that come along with it. i just am absolutely amazed that its over. it might only be a temporary fix but something deep down inside is telling me its not. something is telling me she is gonna run off with one if the constantly flirting guys that look better than me are more confident than me and are better to her than i was. a part of me knows its over because the second time never works out and i never make it to the third. i guess its just my luck yet again. as i think about it i can imagine it ending up just like last time... she falls head over heels for one of my best friends.... they r over... she falls back to me almost half a year later and for a few days or maybe even a week if i am lucky i think that the third time is actually gonna happen that its actually gonna work. but then that one guy is going to emerge from the woodwork and give her a kiss and change the rest of my life. it seems to be almost the fairytale ending for her and the nightmare ending for me. i pray that it doesnt end like my thoughts are telling me..... but as of now i sit here with all thoughts of the future... from summer license with a girlfriend that i love to the phone conversation we would have had in about fifteen minutes..... its all shot to hell. just like last time.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 17 November :: 9.39pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: the used - cut up angels

wondering about everything
life. such an incredibly confusing thing that we go through every day. sickness shurly does not help the incresingly painful stab in the heart that others actions relese upon you. the constant worry about if the people you have invested so much time and love into have even thought about you during the day or care enough to give you a call at the end of the night just to say they hope you get better. i lay on the couch all day today thinking of these things, thinking of whom truly cares about me and my well being and i finally came to a conclusion that i dont have the energy or strength to continue to put in the effort i do with the relationships that have. i thought of how if all the others in my life wanted the relationships to last they would make the effort for a little while, and let me let go of my bearings. i hate trying to keep my life orderly and grounded and doing the same damn thing everyday of my life, or the life i have right now. i decided i dont want my beairngs, i want to live spontainiously and have fun with my youth, not putting so much thought into what everyone else thinks or how my actions make them feel, because i only want to be myself, not someone whom tries to please everyone in life. sure it might not be the right choice in many of my friends point of views to just give up on putting effort into things and who the hell knows i might feel differently about it tomorrow, but right now i just feel like letting go of control over what hapens. i want to let my life fall out like it was meant to. so as i sit here, feeling the sickness course through my body, my head throbbing with fever, i still think about the people that make my head hurt even more, and about the people i long to understand their mentalities, and the people i long to have back in my life like they once were. so here are some lyrics that i love very much and that i think express how i feel right now.

"Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And i wish you weren't worth the wait cause there's some things i'd like to say to you. And i don't think that you know what you've been missing. Cause i don't think that you know what you've been missing. And i dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck from those nights when we were both found at our best. Now i could make this obvious, and you You could deny me all in one breathYou could shrug me off your shoulders."
Your Own Disaster, TBS

3 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 2 October :: 1.05am
:: Mood: depressed and disappointed
:: Music: "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows" - Brand New

nothing but LowErcaSeS and CaPiTALs
"So keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground
If today's the day it gets tired
Today's the day we drop out
Gave up my body and bed
All for an empty hotel
Wasting words on lower cases and capitals

I contemplate the day we wed
Your friends are boring me to death
Your veil is ruined in the rain
By then it's you I can do without
There's nothing new to talk about
And though our kids are blessed
Their parents let them shoulder all the blame"

life. it is the one thing that everyone experiences that gives everyone battles, some dont exerience many harsh ones, then there are a few of us who have shit handed to us everyday. but no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much shit you go through, it is always up to you to make everything better for yourself. is it here, typing, because i love my best friend more than words can explain. he is one of the people that gets shit handed to him everyday, and he deals with it in ways that he thinks make it all go away, but in fact everything he does is magnifying the drama that is going on in his life every day. he goes to school, intoxicated, or gets that way during lunch, then goes home to a mom who he means the world to but he doesnt know that because all they talk about is his "habits" which shouldnt be habits at all because he actually does have dreams for his future. just last week he walked up to me and lindsey, he had a model of a wall that e built in a class, and he showed it to us and said that he wanted to become an arcitecht when he grows up. the moment he said that i was so proud of him i though this was going to be the moment he started "flying right" towards the future he deserves. tonight i was at the football game, he calls during the fourth quarter, sounding perfectly normal, fifteen minutes later his mom is pulling him through the stands, winding in and out of clusters of people, him stumbling behind her, so incoherent that he doesnt really know what is happening. i rush down the stairs and meet her at the bottom, she stops and basically collapses into my arms and starts to sob, but not because of a petty argument, but because she has accepted the fact that her son is throwing away his life as everyday goes by. but when she walked up it wasnt me who held my arms out, knowing she needed reassurance, but she walked up to me and needed support, and when i thought about it for a second i realized that she doesnt get that from anyone. no one in her house gives her love and support everyday, like this wonderful woman deserves. however, my friend sees her act of caring and love and worrying as being bitchy and not understanding, and ends up blowing things way out of proportion, and everyone thinks the exact same thing about it except for him. we all know she loves him to death and just wants to help her son out, the son that really does have a bright future if he would lay off all the things that he thinks are helping him, but in fact they are just bringing him down. i love him very much, as i said earlier in the entry, but he doesnt understand that so hopefully one day he will stumble across this entry, read it and be inspired, and if he does get inspired i want him to know that i will sacraface everything to help his life get better than it is right now, that i will do whatever it takes so he can become the guy he is meant to be, the wonderful person that he is deep down inside. tonight he said to me that he misses me and i said to him back " i miss you too, but not this you, the old you" and i think i am the only one who has enough courage to actually say something to him. so the point of this entry is to let him know i love him more than anything on this earth and i want him to know that, i just want him to know that there really is one thing in life worth going day to day and not using some type of drug or drinking some tyoe of alcohol, i just want to let him know friendship and love is the reason why he needs to go from day to day, as the person he is without all this shit he puts in his body. i love you, friend of mine.

5 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 4 September :: 11.57am
:: Mood: amazed
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - New American Classic

The forth with three meanings
the past. it is the one thing that haunts the future of millions of people in this world, whether it is a good memory that they compare everything else to, a special person that passed away, or someones first love that decided to take another path. september the fourth last year was not a good day for me. i was alone, sad, and depressed becasue of my first love. me and her began dating three years ago, september 4 2001, and it was a day that started memoried that hopefully i will remember for the rest of my life. there are so many i just cant even think of them all; oero, im british cant u tell?, "will u be my girlfriend" and so many more. but this september fourth is a much better one as far as my love life goes. it is the third month "anniversary" for me and gaea. i am so incredibly happy with her. she is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. she is just simply amazing. then there is my grandpa who passed away. i am pretty sure its his birthday today. the first one my mom, grandma, and aunts celebrate without him. i have been thinking of him a lot lately, this thanksgiving and christmas is going to be hard without him. he was so full of life until the very end. i miss him so much its amazing. i look at his pen everyday. the pen is a little pen that u stick on a shirt or something that has a telephone on the front from when he used to work at a telphone company. if i recall correctly it was a visit to ohio after his first heart attack and the day we left i was hysterical and i made him go find something that he wanted to give me to remember him by because i had the crazy idea that i was never going to see him again. i was just a little kid then and didnt know what i was talking about, but i am so glad i asked him for something and he gave me that because until the day i die i will always have that pen. its a way that i can have my grandpa close wherever i am. grandpa i hope u have a wonderful birthday in heaven, we all miss you and love you. rip.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


lovedlessthanmost

:: 2004 22 July :: 8.15pm

friends only.

comment to be added, plz.
if I don't like what you're doing, i'll un-friend you.

74 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 4 June :: 10.29am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Hoodastank - Disappear

Cops and Robbers
so this morning my mom came up the stairs at ten to wake me up for a family discussion. i went downstairs and on my way to the bathroom i saw my brother with a white shirt and tie and all dressed up for something. so when i came out of the bathroom i went to the table and asked my mom where they were going and she said to the courthouse. last night ur brother and ali and josh and skyler broke into the house on the hill and stole artwork. and that they are being charged with breaking and entering private property and stealing. then brad had to tell his story. see they leftthe house wearing all black and said that they were going to go play night time capture the flag down at a guys named cams house but instead they went to the abandoned house. so they walked around for about thirty nimutes with their flashlights and looking at all these newspaper articcles that were everywhere. then on their way out they had decided to take something for a kind of souvenier. see thats the one thing i didnt understand from his story. the house is at the entrance to our neightborhood practically so u see it everytime u come home..... why would u need an item to remember somethin thats not going anywhere. i think that was so stupid because even if they did get caught.... they wouldnt be in as much trouble because they would have said it was abandoned and didnt know anyone owned it and it really wouldnt be that big of deal. so now they are at the court house waiting for a court date. hopefully all four of their futures arent ruined because they all had a good one i can tell u that much. it sux though...... my mom was crying and my dad was trying no to care i hink........ i dont even want to know what ali's parents said cause they prolly freaked out. hopefully ali will be allowed over here again lol but i guess now we will just have to see what happens. bye for now.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 22 May :: 11.35am
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: i can only imagine - aquire the fire

imagine
"I can only imagine what my eyes would see when your face is before me. i can only imagine. surrounded by your glory what would my heart feel....."

that is the most amazing song. i havent talked about my grandpas funeral in my journal at all or even his death. my mom's best friend, DJ, sang that song "i can only imagin" at the beginning of the funeral to start things off. it was amazing she has such a great voice and did a great job and it brought almost the whole place to tears it was crazy. my grandpa died april 30 and his funeral was may 5. his lungs filled up with water in the end and thats what cause his final death but really he had suffered for 11 months of cancer treatment. its definately not the way that i want to leave this world and its not the way i want to leave my friends and family. the day before he passed my mom was with him because my grandma was envited to a tea (its a british thing lol) but my grandpa insisted on getting out of the hospital bed that had been brought to their house, which he hadnt gotten out of in about two weeks, and he asked my mom to walk him over to the glass door that looks out onto their back patio and he stood there for about thirty minutes just looking out. looking at the plants that he had planted and looking up at the sky ino the heavens and it was almost like a sign that he was leaving very soon and in fact passed away a little more than 24 hours later. the funeral was the hardest trhing i think i have ever done in my life. when we arrived there we walked into the main room and there was this big board set up with tons of pictures of him with family and friends and i was looking around and there was a picture of me and him sitting together with big smiles and looking so happy just to be with eachother because we would only see eachother about once a year at most. right when i saw that picture i lost composure and started to cry i felt stupid though because no one else was brought to tears just looking at the pictures but i guess some things affect others differently. but then there was a little seperate room with the coffin surrounded by flowers it was beautiful. but then there was the open casket with him lying there so still and so cold i was petrified. that was the first time i had ever attended a funeral that i was very close to the person and to see him lying there not moving was horrible. my aunts and grandma were all standing in the smaller room with the coffin and i gave all them a hug and they all started crying again when i hugged them and it made me cry and it was just bad. then after an hour of all our close family arriving, friends started to arrive. once the friends arrived they closed the casket because most people wouldnt want to remember someone with how they looked dead but when they were alive and healthy. there was a lot of supportive people there for me and the rest of my family, even though i didnt know hardly any of them. once the funeral seremony was done we drove to the gravesite, and i must say it is one of the most beatuiful grave yards i have ever seen. there are huge trees and beautiful headstones and it is a wonderful place for ones body to lie. once the pastor had said a few words at the gravesite he gave all of us roses that were part of this large flower thing that sat on top of the casket made of just greenery and a ton of these roses. then we all walked by the casket said our last goodbyes and then it was all over. but then again it isnt all over because for the rest of my life and the rest of my moms and aunts and my brothers and my cousins and my grandmas life he wont be here. i still havent really grasped the fact that i will never see him again because there is something inside of me telling me i will. i pray that i do though because i love him so much its amazing. he was the best granpa i could have ever asked for and may he rest in peace. bye fore now.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 20 May :: 11.36am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: P. Diddy - Ill be Missing You

stef's
it is finally summer! well today was pretty good..... went to band and played graduation songs....... then went to greene's and took a hard ass WH exam. came home layed down for a while then went to work and the highlight of my day after work, goin to stef's house to hang out with all the friends. we went swimming from like 7 til dark so it was fun and then everybody got in showers and it was amusing. then i had to get naked lol and change in the bathroom it was fun lol. then i went out into the main room and mal was on the floor doin the worm and it was funny as poo and i love the worm its awesome. so then i was like i can do it better than u mal and i couldnt do it but then we went into the weightroom and i practiced and it was funny as crap cause mal starts standing up and then hits the ground and i tried doin it that way but instead of hitting the floor at an angle i hit it flat and almost broke my toes it was crazy funny lol. but then i got it down (the worm) and went into the main room and did it, it was fun. but before i did it ben did it and he is crazy good at it, it provided me with much joy and me and him actually talked tonight and he seems pretty kool and all this time or a while back i just wished he would die lol. me and gaea were sittin together for a while and i really think i like her a lot. i really want to hang out with her soon just me and her, we will have to see what happens, hehe. and then we just hung out for a while and then people started leavin and then alex left and she was givin everybody hugs because she is movin the 26th and then she came over and gave me a hug and i was like dont worry i will see u again but then i started thinkin about it and i thought i might not see her again so i gave her another hug and she was like we will see eachother again. and it kinda made me think of how she is movin and i got a little "mellow" cause i realized she is gone in 6 days and thats pretty crazy. i dont feel bad for ben and alex but i wish things would be better for them, its gonna be hard but its what they want i guess. but maybe i am thinkin about her movin too much but i really am gonna miss her. and then i started thinkin about carol leavin, its gonna be so different without her next year and then there is paul who is movin in like a month or less. then mal said this year i swear everyone is either movin or dyin. and then i thought about frankie. now that school is over, not like we even acted like we knew eachother but whatever, i doubt i will ever see him. he has gotten so bad and i realize he might read this but i dont care. and maybe i am being a hypocrit because i know i have done it, but he has taken his "mary-jane" addiction a little overboard. its all he ever does and its all he can talk about or think about. and its weird because its like he isnt even frankie anymore because it has changed him so much. one day soon i am gonna say somethin to his face, even though i doubt he will listen, because he has a serious problem and i dont want to loose any more of him thats already gone. i have been thinkin about him a lot recently and about how different he is because people who were never even close to him have said somethin to me about it. lindsey even brought up out of the blue the other day how different he is and how he doesnt visit her anymore cause he is always getting high. if u read this anytime soon frankie, we miss u man. bye for now

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 12 May :: 4.46am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: bittersweet symphony - the verve

going crazy
friend and pop are on their way to a concert, lindsey broke up with nathan, and i got a 62 on a math test. school is amazingly over in only 6 more days (8 including the weekend). highschool is so crazy its amazing with all the drama and work and studying. this year has been good though, but i cant wait for it all to be over. i can remember gym class first period last semester, me and lindsey were inseprable, and thats when me and mary vance were friends. i remember everyday i would go to that class, complain about how i cant stand alex and frankie, and how i didnt understand how my best friend went out with my ex girlfriend, and i was such a little bitchy emo kid that i couldnt realize that one day it would all be over, no matter what. whether the person who u are best friends with or the person that you are in love with, or think you are, moves away, or if someone close to you passes away, or if in some way you die yourself. somehow part of you dies under all the stress and emotions that are life. its so easy to loose yourself in this world. loose yourslef to a girl or guy or loose yourself to drugs or alcohol, no matter what, something is going to get you, but maybe it will get you in a good way, but most likely not. it seems like everyone i know has lost part of what i used to love about them to one of these four things (girl,guy,drugs, alcohol). its crazy how once you loose someone you always want the old them back but you dont have the courage to say something to them about their addiction. so if u are my friend and u are reading this and u have lost yourself or even a part of you to one of the four or even more, admit it to yourself that you have, because right nowi am letting you know that even if you think your addiction helps, it is just killing you and one day its not going to be there for you, so just come to your senses and put what means the most to you first. bye for now.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 1 May :: 3.51am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Gone
school is kinda crazy, i missed a week and it feels like i have so much to do, but thats because now i have on my mind the fact that i am going to miss another week of school. my grandpa died yesterday at 8:30 pm and my dad didnt tell us because my brother had to take the S.A.T.s this morning but he told us once brad got home. havent got emotional or anything yet all im worried about is calling my mom and her breaking down on the phone and the school i am missing. the funeral is on wednesday, i dont want to go i havent ever been to a funeral where the person was really really close like my grandpa. i leave on monday for ohio after we go to school and get all the work and then go downtown and get the suits that we rented. the drive up there is gonna suck with my brother and dad. not much to talk about, ill probably lay in the back seat listen to music and do beautiful homework, not really. i hate missing school, well at least so much of it. at least schools almost out though. im so scattered with my thoughts cause there so much goin through my brain and my hands are shaking and i cant type anymore so i am gonna go learn geometry i missed! oh joy. bye for now.

4 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 12 April :: 9.20am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Jet - Are u Gonna be my girl

Friends
they are the most wonderful things that you can ever ask for, friends. people say i have a ton, and i guess i have a good amount of people i consider friends, but there are those certain group of people who are my true friends and i just want to write about them in a journal entry finally because its all about them. no names though because i dont need the drama. i have fallen out and fallen into new friendships this year and i am probably the happiest i have been in a while right now, this moment because i dont really have the friends that brought me down, the friends that were mixed up in drugs and alcohol, even though i did love our friendships, and still do, but dont want them in the same way. i am really going to clean up for one time in my life, and for hopefully the rest. i was watching real world the other day and there is a girl named Frankie on the show (not relating it to Frankie Culotta) but she was a cutter. and i thought it was crazy that people who cut themselves when going through hard times are now called "cutters" because, even though no one knows, when things got really bad i would cut my arms. it sounds crazy now and i dont know what possessed me to do it then but i am so glad i am out of that and the reason i am is because of my great friends. i just want to let all of you know that i love you and hopefully we will be able to keep our friendships kindled over the years. bye for now.

4 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 3 April :: 3.08am
:: Mood: dont know
:: Music: The Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

Im Not Sure Anymore
Im not sure what i am for anymore. i dont know who i am or what i want to acomplish in life. i am a lost sole and people are starting to recognize that i am just wondering around aimlessly. everyday is the same and everyday when i wake up i keep praying that something will happen to make me find myself. something that will make a day better, something that will make me want to wake up again and go to school and be happy all over again. there has to be something to work for, something to put all the effort into and something that will say good job at the end of the day. thats one thing i know i want. something thats gonna be there at the end of the day, no matter what screw ups or great accomplishes i made, thats just going to say great job on being you. great job on being a great person and everything someone could ever hope you could be. i need something to make me feel here and make me feel like i am fufilling a purpose everyday. will i ever get to see the ending to this story that i keep making longer and longer everyday and im not even sure what story i am writing but i know there is one. hopefully an end will come soon because i am thinking its gonna turn out pretty good. i am gonna be searching really soon, for myself and for something else that will hopefully help me out everyday and just be there for me. bye for now.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 23 March :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: The Goo Goo Dolls - It's Over

The Big A
i sit in silence when i am around you, not because i dont have anything to say, but because i dont want to say what i feel in fear of what you will say in response. somehow with every word u say it makes me want to hold on just a little bit longer and just hold on to the memories for the hope that we sill somehow and someday have eachother again. there are so many things that i will never say to you so i figured that i will say a few of them here. i still have an amazing amount of feelings for you and for some reason i tell people i dont, i tell them that i cant stand you, when sometimes that is true, but most of the time i just want to run up to you and hold you in my arms and never let go. then there is the thing with you and the current boyfriend. sometimes i want to scream at you but yet i am so happy that u have eachother because i can tell you make eachother really happy. but when i think about your happiness i think about how i could have had the same thing and it ruins the whole thing. i want to be with you so much and yet i know i cant because it isnt my place to be anymore. then there is you leaving for good that is constantly running through my mind. i want so badly just to be with you one last time before you move, before you leave, and before i possibly never get to see you again. i want to fall asleep with you under the stars and i want to kiss you one more time and i want to just be with you one more time. even though i know it wont happen, its ok because i will always have my memories of us whether they are good or bad. also no matter what happens, no matter how much time passes, or whom i meet, i will always miss you. i have always missed you from the first day we left eachother's side. no matter what i will never be able to forget you and hopefully you will never forget me. its like this huge chapter in my life is going to end at the end of the school year, but the thing is, i dont want it to end. i want to keep making memories with you. i want it to still be u and me, us. but no matter what i dont think "us" has another chance and i guess thats the way things were meant to be. i actually hope that you are right, i hope that i will not painfully miss you for the rest of my life and i hope that i wont go through my life regreting everything that happened because it didnt end with me and you together. i will always love you and i will never let go. bye... forever.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 23 March :: 7.12am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Chantal - God Made Me

today
wow today was not as bad as i though it was gonna be. last night i felt like shit and all depressed and stuff and then i took some sleeping pills and slept really well and woke up refreshed lol. but today i had a geo test and it wasnt that hard cause i actually remembered how to do most of it so it was cool. and then after school was the highlight of my day... drum line practice lol. it was the most fun i have had in like a month and justin johnson is like the funniest guy in the world. he dances so hilarious and its just to drum beats, its funny as crap. and bradford is so dramatic and its kinda scary but he is incredibly awesome anyway. then there is lucas which no matter what he is crazy and there is lauren who is just lauren lol and then there are the other guys who i dont really talk to lol. but i had a great time there and it made me happy and energetic and made my day great. i am actually looking forward to going tomorrow and thursday. bye for now

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 22 March :: 9.17pm
:: Mood: so many things i dont know how to explain it
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Unexplainable
there are things that i just have no explanation or answer to and there are things that i regret and things i dont. there are things that i miss and things that i would love to forget. there are things i am going to miss and things that arent even gone yet that i still have found a way to miss. i am fully here again, here in this state of depression and reconcile on the past and now that i am back i cant stop thinking about how things used to be before i met so many people or things. i have such a hard time with letting things go and forgetting things people have done. i always find a way to fogive but no matter what you will do or say i will never be able to forget. i hate this about me. there are so many things that i just want to forget so i can be happy again and so i dont have to worry about making others happy or making others want to talk to me and forgive me for screwing up. but see there is another thing no matter what i do i always seem to screw something up and it drives me insane. i dont think i can handle being here anymore i want to get away, get away from it all and everything and everyone. i want to think about my problems for once and not try and make someone feel better about their problems. i am tired of making so many other people trying and busting my ass to try and make them that way when it puts me further into the "depths of depression and suicide." i know i cant leave and i cant get away from this place, because even though suicide is such a good way out, i cant kill myself because its not that bad yet. i dont have anything to kill myself over and it would just make everyone know for a fact that i am an insecure person and that i am a coward and am just looking for an easy way out but thats what i need right now, an easy way out, something that i dont have to spend all my money on and something that i can manage with something i already own. maybe i am taking this too far but when i read things it makes me feel like a dumb ass for feeling the way i do because i see that everyone else is so happy and they can right about boyfriends and girlfriends when i sit here by myself writing about the words that rush through my brain at an uncountable rate. but whats funny is that none of the words and phrases that run through my head make me want to smile or be happy and none of them make me want to forget about the past, they all are the past and wont go away. the memories are burnt in my brain and have left a scar that is unremovable. there is a quote by mark twain that i ended up having to write a paper on and how it relates to me. the quote is "everyone is like a moon in which they have a dark side which they never show to anyone." how incredibly welll does that fit me and the things i feel and how i handle myself. it is amazing how someone that lived long ago can make a statement that can hold true so long in the future. i have written enough depressing words for one entry so bye for now.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 22 March :: 9.17pm
:: Mood: so many things i dont know how to explain it
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Unexplainable
there are things that i just have no explanation or answer to and there are things that i regret and things i dont. there are things that i miss and things that i would love to forget. there are things i am going to miss and things that arent even gone yet that i still have found a way to miss. i am fully here again, here in this state of depression and reconcile on the past and now that i am back i cant stop thinking about how things used to be before i met so many people or things. i have such a hard time with letting things go and forgetting things people have done. i always find a way to fogive but no matter what you will do or say i will never be able to forget. i hate this about me. there are so many things that i just want to forget so i can be happy again and so i dont have to worry about making others happy or making others want to talk to me and forgive me for screwing up. but see there is another thing no matter what i do i always seem to screw something up and it drives me insane. i dont think i can handle being here anymore i want to get away, get away from it all and everything and everyone. i want to think about my problems for once and not try and make someone feel better about their problems. i am tired of making so many other people trying and busting my ass to try and make them that way when it puts me further into the "depths of depression and suicide." i know i cant leave and i cant get away from this place, because even though suicide is such a good way out, i cant kill myself because its not that bad yet. i dont have anything to kill myself over and it would just make everyone know for a fact that i am an insecure person and that i am a coward and am just looking for an easy way out but thats what i need right now, an easy way out, something that i dont have to spend all my money on and something that i can manage with something i already own. maybe i am taking this too far but when i read things it makes me feel like a dumb ass for feeling the way i do because i see that everyone else is so happy and they can right about boyfriends and girlfriends when i sit here by myself writing about the words that rush through my brain at an uncountable rate. but whats funny is that none of the words and phrases that run through my head make me want to smile or be happy and none of them make me want to forget about the past, they all are the past and wont go away. the memories are burnt in my brain and have left a scar that is unremovable. there is a quote by mark twain that i ended up having to write a paper on and how it relates to me. the quote is "everyone is like a moon in which they have a dark side which they never show to anyone." how incredibly welll does that fit me and the things i feel and how i handle myself. it is amazing how someone that lived long ago can make a statement that can hold true so long in the future. i have written enough depressing words for one entry so bye for now.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 21 March :: 8.20pm

birthday
well its finally over. thank god lol. i dont really feel like making one of those heart renching journal entries so this is just gonna be what i did entry lol. so all day saturday i cleaned and stuff for the party and then the party started at 730 til 10. it was pretty fun some pretty gay stuff happened though that pissed me off. for one stef wasnt able to come but that didnt piss me off because something really serious happened at her house that made her not be able to come and if you read this stef i love you so much! then carly called a girl named amy and she was like u didnt invite me and i was thinkin partially because no one wants you here but its not that i dont like her we are just more of aquantances so whatever. then we sat around for a while and watched tv and waited for people to show so we could do the cake and icecream thing. and then after that my wonderful best friend, not really on saturday night though, frankie along with a friend ross to "kaneans house" and actually went on a little walk to cloud 9. then they came back, smelt like shit, and i took care of them and kinda was mean but i dont care cause it was such and asshole thing to do. "oh yea ryan we are gonna go to kaneans house lol real quick is it kool" "yea sure frankie why not." but whatever i dont care anymore. and then we sat around downstairs for a little while more and me and mary vance finally got to talk again so that was nice. it didnt really make me too happy what we talked about cause it was the topic of alex. she decided not to show to the party cause she probably felt like given ben head more than just hangin out wwith friends but thats ok i guess we wont really know a difference when she moves. then somethin that i screwed up on was with my friend lindsey whom i am so sry for doin this to. she called mal's cell and then it made me remember that i had forgotten to invite her during the day on saturday and so i called her back and she ended up bein at ms. connors house and what really hit hard was that she turned to ms. connor and said "my best friend didnt even invite me to his birthday." and it just made me feel like such a bad friend and yet again if u read this lindsey i am really sry. so then after that happened brian showed up late which kinda bothered me because before he came people were like "yea he told me he ... MIGHT come to ur party" so that made me kinda pissed but i didnt care because by that time i was so fed up with stuff i was like fuck him lol but i love you brian and i am glad u showed up. then we had little massage sessions and everyone was just lounging around and stuff so it was a good time. then today i just did some chores around the house and then my family came over and we had a little cook out thing. then after everyone left my dad proceeded to call me into the kitchen and took like 250 dollars of my birthday money, 50 going in my bank account and 50 going to my iTunes acount, but the rest was going to go into his bank account to pay for part of my parents birthday present to me. so if u think about it i actually paid for part of his present to me which is pretty ghetto cause i know they wouldnt ever do that to my brother but its ok cause now i dont have money for other people to mooch off of me so its all good. but although it might not sound like it i had a pretty good weekend and birthday. thanks everybody for making it interesting its been fun.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 21 March :: 3.53am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Blindside - Shekina

Dear Lindsey,
Bud you are one of the greatest and most loyal friends I have and last night when you called mal's cell phone it hit me that I had forgotten to envite you earlier that day to my house for my birthday that night and when you turned to chelsea i heard you say "my best friend didnt even envite me to his birthday" and when i heard u say that its like a bomb landed and i felt so horrible. i know i must have hurt your feelings and i am so sry. i will do anything to make it up to you just ask. Lindsey i love you so much and am so sry for what i did i know i messed up. hopefully you will forgive me and we will be good again. talk to you later.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 20 March :: 3.26pm
:: Mood: disappointed

disorders
HASH(0x891d0d0)
dependent


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 20 March :: 10.47am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Stuck here in a place with no door to escape
this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

this is the time

we never thought would come

(someone save us quick)



never imagined

it this way

didnít know something

I loved

Could hurt me so much

Made some mistakes

But nothing that

Could break us-

But you-

You broke us.

(please someone help us now)



waited around

not willing to let it go

to let it fall

to let it slip away

but my dear friend

-and no offense-

this pain I feel

stabs me

in my back

and I decided

best friends

donít carry knives



didnít mean to make you cry

from my stupid

immaturities

guess growing up

comes with some petty

screwed up choices

but I also thought

part of your job

was forgiving and forgettingÖ

but in that guess

I was wrong

You only left me behind.

(someone take this hurt from me)



didnít think

I could go on without you

But now I see

Everything so clear

Iím making it on alone

Just fine

However my life

Will never be the same

Without you near



But it was your choice

What you wanted

So I guess itsí what you need

At that

Iím leaving you alone

You seem to be

Okay without me

Thought I meant

More to you

But youíve proven

Different

Yeah it hurts

But I can cope

If this is what you want



cause all I really

care about is

how you feel

what you want

and how youíre making out

well you look happy

and that makes me smile

so Iíll smile

from a distance

(if only you felt how I feel now)



because now I realize

this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

(only god can save us now)

this is the time

you leave me behind

donít worry-

itís nothing

I havenít felt beforeÖ


Lindsey wrote the song/poem above and i am actually taking the time to read her journal for the first time, from beginning to end. Lindsey is a friend that means so much to me yet we dont hang out that much anymore and she has such a wonderful way of writing poems and such that they can get you wrapped up in them even if you have never experienced nothing like it. It sux how things can fall apart and when I read this poem it makes me think about all the things that i love in my life that are falling apart, maybe for the best but probably not. bye for now

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 20 March :: 10.47am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Stuck here in a place with no door to escape
this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

this is the time

we never thought would come

(someone save us quick)



never imagined

it this way

didnít know something

I loved

Could hurt me so much

Made some mistakes

But nothing that

Could break us-

But you-

You broke us.

(please someone help us now)



waited around

not willing to let it go

to let it fall

to let it slip away

but my dear friend

-and no offense-

this pain I feel

stabs me

in my back

and I decided

best friends

donít carry knives



didnít mean to make you cry

from my stupid

immaturities

guess growing up

comes with some petty

screwed up choices

but I also thought

part of your job

was forgiving and forgettingÖ

but in that guess

I was wrong

You only left me behind.

(someone take this hurt from me)



didnít think

I could go on without you

But now I see

Everything so clear

Iím making it on alone

Just fine

However my life

Will never be the same

Without you near



But it was your choice

What you wanted

So I guess itsí what you need

At that

Iím leaving you alone

You seem to be

Okay without me

Thought I meant

More to you

But youíve proven

Different

Yeah it hurts

But I can cope

If this is what you want



cause all I really

care about is

how you feel

what you want

and how youíre making out

well you look happy

and that makes me smile

so Iíll smile

from a distance

(if only you felt how I feel now)



because now I realize

this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

(only god can save us now)

this is the time

you leave me behind

donít worry-

itís nothing

I havenít felt beforeÖ


Lindsey wrote the song/poem above and i am actually taking the time to read her profile for the first time, from beginning to end. Lindsey is a friend that means so much to me yet we dont hang out that much anymore. It sux how things can fall apart and when I read this poem this morning it just made me think about all the things that i love in my life that are falling apart, maybe for the best but probably not. bye for now

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 12 March :: 11.22am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Conversations - "I dont know the band"

Conversations
It is so strange how every conversation that people have, whether it be face to face with someone, on the internet, or on the phone always has an ending. It may be that a subject is brought up and once you say a few things about it there is nothing else to say. Other times it may just be saying goodbye. But, there are some conversations you find yourself never wanting to end. The conversations that you find yourself saying goodbye to something you dont want to let go, or the conversation that begins something that ends in a goodbye conversation that you dont want to end to avoid the goodbyes. Maybe i am jusyt caught up in some random thoughts about conversations and how they come to ends and are forgotten and then pointless. But the reason i wrote this entry is there are conversations that i have had that have changed my life, conversations that i still remember every word to, conversations that dont just come to a random end and conversations that arent just pointless and forgetable. I hope that i will always remember these few conversations i have had because when you think about them they can change your outlook on things depending what they were about when you think about them. Conversations are great especially the unforgetable ones. dont take them for granted because the day that you cant have a conversation with a person who normally supplies you with the best conversations ever, you wont know what to do or say and end up just sitting there in silence. but then again that may be the signal that it is time to move on and fine a replacment but for some thats to hard of a concept to do. bye for now.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 5 March :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Why do new beginnings have to start with tragedy?
It seems like every time i get to a new point in my life, whether good or bad, it always seems not to last. Why can't my happiness last and i see other people that have been happy for months and probably will be for a few more. But no matter what, no matter who you are, there will always be something to happen that gets you off your pedistole and back down into the depths of depression and suicide. When i say sucide i don't mean literally killing yourself, I mean to put yourself through torture everyday thinking about things that are never going to change, and you are killing yourself with the depression. There was one happening that I haven't talked about very much and only a few people know about, and that is my grandpa's new diagnosis. He is going to die this month (march) and for some reason I am constantly getting a feeling that he is going to pass away around my birthday. We found out not too long ago that he has cancer in his bones which can't be healed with radiation or kemo. When we first heard he had a very short time to live i was knocked to the floor off my small pedistool of "hapiness". Actually i don't even know if it was happiness becasue the whole time i was questioning relationships with people here and people who soon wont be. And during my time of "happiness" that wasnt really happy, i wasnt thinking of my grandpa and him leaving for good, and now that he is soon i know that all the time i have with my friends should be used wisely and to our advantages to make more memories because they last forever and we need as many good ones as we can get. And once i heard about my Grandpa passing away soon it made me think of another person thats really really important to me that is moving away at the end of the school year. Alex Hall-Ruiz was the girlfriend that i had the relationshiop people wanted to have with someone. I said that i was over her and that it was a good thing but now that i feel like i need someone my feelings have kinda returned at least to the point where i miss her so much its crazy. I was thinking about it tonight when i was at Carly's and out on her dock with everyone and all i could think about was alex and why she wasnt here spending the time she has left here with her friends and people that care about her instead of spending every possible chance with only two people, Leigh and Ben. I guess it doesnt make sense to me why we dont use our time to our advantage, but then it hit me that spending time with her might only make me happy and make her annoyed or uncomfortable or jsut bored or something, because it seems like every passing day we grow further and further apart. i guess we will just see what happens in the end.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 9 January :: 6.36am
:: Mood: letting go
:: Music: Mid April Romance - Juliana

A new chapter
About four days ago i noticed something different. it felt weird to be at school and to see alex and sit at lunch with her and seeing her and ben together. the thing is it wasnt weird because i was uncomfortable, it was weird because i think i have moved on. since around august 25th or something of 2002 i have like alex. thats a really long time and i think i am finally done with my loosing streak. its strange to say i dont like alex anymore because i have for so long and it seems like that is just the right thing to do but now i really am moving on. i realized that something was different last saturday though but i kind of dismissed it and didnt think about it. and then as i kept feeling the same weird feeling i thought about it more and more and then i saw alex and it was just kind of like "oh hey there she is now i can go somewhere else." it was like i didnt need to be around her like i wasnt trying to get her to like me again becuase i didnt like her and thats when it hit me. so this whole week i have been so happy almost like i came out of accoma and am alive again. but whenever i am alone and just think about her i start thinking that it might be a bad thing that i dont like her anymore. well not a bad thing but kind of a sad thing. after liking someone for so long and then one random day wake up and not feel the same way and just feel like really good friends is a little sad but at the same time not liking her lifted this huge weight off my shoulders and i was happy almost instantely. now when i am around her and ben i kind of just sit there like everyone else does and it doesnt bother me. its great to feel like all i want to be with her is friends when i know all she wants to be is my friend. a few days before new year alex said to me that this really was going to be a new year and there were gonna be changes. i guess she was right. please anyone and everyone who reads this i would like you to leave a comment about what you think and if u dont have a thought about it then just dont leave one(and leave ur name with the comment please).bye for now.

8 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 28 December :: 11.47am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: American Hi_FI - The Art of Losing

Blue Eyes
whats wrong with small imperfections? i dont underdstand why everyone longs to live in a perfect world when there will always be something wrong that happens. it could be a girl that wrecks a few months in your life but before that gave you 8 months of pure happiness up to the very last minute and second. there could also be one imperfection about yourself that you think makes you you but someone else longs to get rid of. its crazy how other people want to make someone else perfect for them. people should just be left alone and decide who they want to be. who cares if i have blue eyes or if the next guy to come along has green. they still may hold some of the same stories within them. blue eyes has changed though. i have many nex experiences and thoughts and feelings locked within the blue sea of my eye that may never be seen unless you unlock them. there was one point in time where you didnt have to open a lock to know me you just did and now we have distanced ourselves from eachother quite some distance and i have chained and locked my secrets. but truthfully my journal is a way to let a small part of blue eyes visible to everyone who wants to know my heart's aches and pains and a few laughs inbetween. this is to you, alex, when i think of you all of our fights and arguments do not come to mind all the time. most recently when i think of you i smile, just remembering the good times that we had, which there were tons, and just knowing that they will be mine until i let them fade away which i know will never happen until i fade away. i think i am slowly losing myself though. i think that what i was at the beginning has gone away and only a small part remains. i hope that small part we be brought back to the surface and i can become myself once again. who knows it might be when i move or when alex does but hopefully it will happen before i die. i will find myself and i believe that when i can have a certain person back in my life i will be a lot of the way back because that person makes up a huge part of me and my life. but there will always be the day i will lose her again and that will probably be the day i lose myself for good or until our next meeting. i hope things arent like they are now when i do loose her forever because then who knows when i will be me again.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 21 December :: 8.52am
:: Music: Thursday - Brought to you by a Falling Bomb

sitting in the chair that started it all
This Thursday i spent my night over at Amanda's house with a lot of people whom I haven't hung out with in a long time and one new face. I really think i needed that time away from my neighborhood and the craziness that goes on here. It was so funny when Danielle(frankie's sister) got home from school on thursday @ like 4 and she came in and Frankie and her started like screaming at eachother and then she started screaming at all his friends to get out. it was craziness. lol. so it was good to get away from it all for a few hours. But while I was at amanda's house i went and sat on the chair that started me and alex. it was the first time we had ever seen eachother outside of school, when things were so easy and not complicated. we went and sat on that little chair thing with eachother and just sat there and thats what it was all about just being there with eachother. there wasn't any making out or any of that, just being with eachother and being comfortable and happy. it was so weird to sit on that chair without her because I haven't been back to amanda's since we broke up and all these memories just rushed over me. like the time when me and friend and alex were all jumping on the trampoline and I was fell down and then stef fell down and her butt landed right on my face. i screamed she laughed and rolled on the floor because it was so funny and alex was the last to fall down laughing. funny memories like that can make my day totally better no matter what. but then carol was reading journals on freeopendiary.com and i said that i wanted to read yours because i had previously only read like one entry. i wish i would have read your journal earlier to know exactly what you were thinking and how you felt so you could still be mine but i had a good oportunity come my way and i let it pass me by. i'll learn next time. Lucky numbers: 4, 8, 10, 13, 41, 42.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 14 December :: 9.11am
:: Mood: you hold the pieces to me broken heart - crushed
:: Music: n'sync - girlfriend remix

all for nothing
i have found out that i have been doing this all for nothing. i have been putting myself through all this crap everyday for nothing just to watch you move on with someone else and have a different life. why couldnt you just tell me. i told you i needed to know but for some reason you still couldnt come up with the balls to tell me the truth to tell me that in your comment when you said "we have become best friends" you meant it and that thats all we are now. you couldnt come up with the courage to tell me it wont happen again because you were probably scared of what i had to say back and that "no matter what you will always have feelings for me cause i was your first love" but what are those feelings if they have changed. they really dont mean shit. who cares if you just want to be my friend i have plenty of those and the reason i held on to you was because you were more than just my friend you were my love and you still are because my feelings havent changed and they never will but like u said i should know when it is time to move on and i know that now is the time. goodbye forever.

4 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.

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