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hi. i'm Lindsey.

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emo414

:: 2004 20 May :: 11.36am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: P. Diddy - Ill be Missing You

stef's
it is finally summer! well today was pretty good..... went to band and played graduation songs....... then went to greene's and took a hard ass WH exam. came home layed down for a while then went to work and the highlight of my day after work, goin to stef's house to hang out with all the friends. we went swimming from like 7 til dark so it was fun and then everybody got in showers and it was amusing. then i had to get naked lol and change in the bathroom it was fun lol. then i went out into the main room and mal was on the floor doin the worm and it was funny as poo and i love the worm its awesome. so then i was like i can do it better than u mal and i couldnt do it but then we went into the weightroom and i practiced and it was funny as crap cause mal starts standing up and then hits the ground and i tried doin it that way but instead of hitting the floor at an angle i hit it flat and almost broke my toes it was crazy funny lol. but then i got it down (the worm) and went into the main room and did it, it was fun. but before i did it ben did it and he is crazy good at it, it provided me with much joy and me and him actually talked tonight and he seems pretty kool and all this time or a while back i just wished he would die lol. me and gaea were sittin together for a while and i really think i like her a lot. i really want to hang out with her soon just me and her, we will have to see what happens, hehe. and then we just hung out for a while and then people started leavin and then alex left and she was givin everybody hugs because she is movin the 26th and then she came over and gave me a hug and i was like dont worry i will see u again but then i started thinkin about it and i thought i might not see her again so i gave her another hug and she was like we will see eachother again. and it kinda made me think of how she is movin and i got a little "mellow" cause i realized she is gone in 6 days and thats pretty crazy. i dont feel bad for ben and alex but i wish things would be better for them, its gonna be hard but its what they want i guess. but maybe i am thinkin about her movin too much but i really am gonna miss her. and then i started thinkin about carol leavin, its gonna be so different without her next year and then there is paul who is movin in like a month or less. then mal said this year i swear everyone is either movin or dyin. and then i thought about frankie. now that school is over, not like we even acted like we knew eachother but whatever, i doubt i will ever see him. he has gotten so bad and i realize he might read this but i dont care. and maybe i am being a hypocrit because i know i have done it, but he has taken his "mary-jane" addiction a little overboard. its all he ever does and its all he can talk about or think about. and its weird because its like he isnt even frankie anymore because it has changed him so much. one day soon i am gonna say somethin to his face, even though i doubt he will listen, because he has a serious problem and i dont want to loose any more of him thats already gone. i have been thinkin about him a lot recently and about how different he is because people who were never even close to him have said somethin to me about it. lindsey even brought up out of the blue the other day how different he is and how he doesnt visit her anymore cause he is always getting high. if u read this anytime soon frankie, we miss u man. bye for now

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 12 May :: 4.46am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: bittersweet symphony - the verve

going crazy
friend and pop are on their way to a concert, lindsey broke up with nathan, and i got a 62 on a math test. school is amazingly over in only 6 more days (8 including the weekend). highschool is so crazy its amazing with all the drama and work and studying. this year has been good though, but i cant wait for it all to be over. i can remember gym class first period last semester, me and lindsey were inseprable, and thats when me and mary vance were friends. i remember everyday i would go to that class, complain about how i cant stand alex and frankie, and how i didnt understand how my best friend went out with my ex girlfriend, and i was such a little bitchy emo kid that i couldnt realize that one day it would all be over, no matter what. whether the person who u are best friends with or the person that you are in love with, or think you are, moves away, or if someone close to you passes away, or if in some way you die yourself. somehow part of you dies under all the stress and emotions that are life. its so easy to loose yourself in this world. loose yourslef to a girl or guy or loose yourself to drugs or alcohol, no matter what, something is going to get you, but maybe it will get you in a good way, but most likely not. it seems like everyone i know has lost part of what i used to love about them to one of these four things (girl,guy,drugs, alcohol). its crazy how once you loose someone you always want the old them back but you dont have the courage to say something to them about their addiction. so if u are my friend and u are reading this and u have lost yourself or even a part of you to one of the four or even more, admit it to yourself that you have, because right nowi am letting you know that even if you think your addiction helps, it is just killing you and one day its not going to be there for you, so just come to your senses and put what means the most to you first. bye for now.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 1 May :: 3.51am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Gone
school is kinda crazy, i missed a week and it feels like i have so much to do, but thats because now i have on my mind the fact that i am going to miss another week of school. my grandpa died yesterday at 8:30 pm and my dad didnt tell us because my brother had to take the S.A.T.s this morning but he told us once brad got home. havent got emotional or anything yet all im worried about is calling my mom and her breaking down on the phone and the school i am missing. the funeral is on wednesday, i dont want to go i havent ever been to a funeral where the person was really really close like my grandpa. i leave on monday for ohio after we go to school and get all the work and then go downtown and get the suits that we rented. the drive up there is gonna suck with my brother and dad. not much to talk about, ill probably lay in the back seat listen to music and do beautiful homework, not really. i hate missing school, well at least so much of it. at least schools almost out though. im so scattered with my thoughts cause there so much goin through my brain and my hands are shaking and i cant type anymore so i am gonna go learn geometry i missed! oh joy. bye for now.

4 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 12 April :: 9.20am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Jet - Are u Gonna be my girl

Friends
they are the most wonderful things that you can ever ask for, friends. people say i have a ton, and i guess i have a good amount of people i consider friends, but there are those certain group of people who are my true friends and i just want to write about them in a journal entry finally because its all about them. no names though because i dont need the drama. i have fallen out and fallen into new friendships this year and i am probably the happiest i have been in a while right now, this moment because i dont really have the friends that brought me down, the friends that were mixed up in drugs and alcohol, even though i did love our friendships, and still do, but dont want them in the same way. i am really going to clean up for one time in my life, and for hopefully the rest. i was watching real world the other day and there is a girl named Frankie on the show (not relating it to Frankie Culotta) but she was a cutter. and i thought it was crazy that people who cut themselves when going through hard times are now called "cutters" because, even though no one knows, when things got really bad i would cut my arms. it sounds crazy now and i dont know what possessed me to do it then but i am so glad i am out of that and the reason i am is because of my great friends. i just want to let all of you know that i love you and hopefully we will be able to keep our friendships kindled over the years. bye for now.

4 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 3 April :: 3.08am
:: Mood: dont know
:: Music: The Goo Goo Dolls - Iris

Im Not Sure Anymore
Im not sure what i am for anymore. i dont know who i am or what i want to acomplish in life. i am a lost sole and people are starting to recognize that i am just wondering around aimlessly. everyday is the same and everyday when i wake up i keep praying that something will happen to make me find myself. something that will make a day better, something that will make me want to wake up again and go to school and be happy all over again. there has to be something to work for, something to put all the effort into and something that will say good job at the end of the day. thats one thing i know i want. something thats gonna be there at the end of the day, no matter what screw ups or great accomplishes i made, thats just going to say great job on being you. great job on being a great person and everything someone could ever hope you could be. i need something to make me feel here and make me feel like i am fufilling a purpose everyday. will i ever get to see the ending to this story that i keep making longer and longer everyday and im not even sure what story i am writing but i know there is one. hopefully an end will come soon because i am thinking its gonna turn out pretty good. i am gonna be searching really soon, for myself and for something else that will hopefully help me out everyday and just be there for me. bye for now.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 23 March :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: The Goo Goo Dolls - It's Over

The Big A
i sit in silence when i am around you, not because i dont have anything to say, but because i dont want to say what i feel in fear of what you will say in response. somehow with every word u say it makes me want to hold on just a little bit longer and just hold on to the memories for the hope that we sill somehow and someday have eachother again. there are so many things that i will never say to you so i figured that i will say a few of them here. i still have an amazing amount of feelings for you and for some reason i tell people i dont, i tell them that i cant stand you, when sometimes that is true, but most of the time i just want to run up to you and hold you in my arms and never let go. then there is the thing with you and the current boyfriend. sometimes i want to scream at you but yet i am so happy that u have eachother because i can tell you make eachother really happy. but when i think about your happiness i think about how i could have had the same thing and it ruins the whole thing. i want to be with you so much and yet i know i cant because it isnt my place to be anymore. then there is you leaving for good that is constantly running through my mind. i want so badly just to be with you one last time before you move, before you leave, and before i possibly never get to see you again. i want to fall asleep with you under the stars and i want to kiss you one more time and i want to just be with you one more time. even though i know it wont happen, its ok because i will always have my memories of us whether they are good or bad. also no matter what happens, no matter how much time passes, or whom i meet, i will always miss you. i have always missed you from the first day we left eachother's side. no matter what i will never be able to forget you and hopefully you will never forget me. its like this huge chapter in my life is going to end at the end of the school year, but the thing is, i dont want it to end. i want to keep making memories with you. i want it to still be u and me, us. but no matter what i dont think "us" has another chance and i guess thats the way things were meant to be. i actually hope that you are right, i hope that i will not painfully miss you for the rest of my life and i hope that i wont go through my life regreting everything that happened because it didnt end with me and you together. i will always love you and i will never let go. bye... forever.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 23 March :: 7.12am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Chantal - God Made Me

today
wow today was not as bad as i though it was gonna be. last night i felt like shit and all depressed and stuff and then i took some sleeping pills and slept really well and woke up refreshed lol. but today i had a geo test and it wasnt that hard cause i actually remembered how to do most of it so it was cool. and then after school was the highlight of my day... drum line practice lol. it was the most fun i have had in like a month and justin johnson is like the funniest guy in the world. he dances so hilarious and its just to drum beats, its funny as crap. and bradford is so dramatic and its kinda scary but he is incredibly awesome anyway. then there is lucas which no matter what he is crazy and there is lauren who is just lauren lol and then there are the other guys who i dont really talk to lol. but i had a great time there and it made me happy and energetic and made my day great. i am actually looking forward to going tomorrow and thursday. bye for now

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 22 March :: 9.17pm
:: Mood: so many things i dont know how to explain it
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Unexplainable
there are things that i just have no explanation or answer to and there are things that i regret and things i dont. there are things that i miss and things that i would love to forget. there are things i am going to miss and things that arent even gone yet that i still have found a way to miss. i am fully here again, here in this state of depression and reconcile on the past and now that i am back i cant stop thinking about how things used to be before i met so many people or things. i have such a hard time with letting things go and forgetting things people have done. i always find a way to fogive but no matter what you will do or say i will never be able to forget. i hate this about me. there are so many things that i just want to forget so i can be happy again and so i dont have to worry about making others happy or making others want to talk to me and forgive me for screwing up. but see there is another thing no matter what i do i always seem to screw something up and it drives me insane. i dont think i can handle being here anymore i want to get away, get away from it all and everything and everyone. i want to think about my problems for once and not try and make someone feel better about their problems. i am tired of making so many other people trying and busting my ass to try and make them that way when it puts me further into the "depths of depression and suicide." i know i cant leave and i cant get away from this place, because even though suicide is such a good way out, i cant kill myself because its not that bad yet. i dont have anything to kill myself over and it would just make everyone know for a fact that i am an insecure person and that i am a coward and am just looking for an easy way out but thats what i need right now, an easy way out, something that i dont have to spend all my money on and something that i can manage with something i already own. maybe i am taking this too far but when i read things it makes me feel like a dumb ass for feeling the way i do because i see that everyone else is so happy and they can right about boyfriends and girlfriends when i sit here by myself writing about the words that rush through my brain at an uncountable rate. but whats funny is that none of the words and phrases that run through my head make me want to smile or be happy and none of them make me want to forget about the past, they all are the past and wont go away. the memories are burnt in my brain and have left a scar that is unremovable. there is a quote by mark twain that i ended up having to write a paper on and how it relates to me. the quote is "everyone is like a moon in which they have a dark side which they never show to anyone." how incredibly welll does that fit me and the things i feel and how i handle myself. it is amazing how someone that lived long ago can make a statement that can hold true so long in the future. i have written enough depressing words for one entry so bye for now.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 22 March :: 9.17pm
:: Mood: so many things i dont know how to explain it
:: Music: The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony

Unexplainable
there are things that i just have no explanation or answer to and there are things that i regret and things i dont. there are things that i miss and things that i would love to forget. there are things i am going to miss and things that arent even gone yet that i still have found a way to miss. i am fully here again, here in this state of depression and reconcile on the past and now that i am back i cant stop thinking about how things used to be before i met so many people or things. i have such a hard time with letting things go and forgetting things people have done. i always find a way to fogive but no matter what you will do or say i will never be able to forget. i hate this about me. there are so many things that i just want to forget so i can be happy again and so i dont have to worry about making others happy or making others want to talk to me and forgive me for screwing up. but see there is another thing no matter what i do i always seem to screw something up and it drives me insane. i dont think i can handle being here anymore i want to get away, get away from it all and everything and everyone. i want to think about my problems for once and not try and make someone feel better about their problems. i am tired of making so many other people trying and busting my ass to try and make them that way when it puts me further into the "depths of depression and suicide." i know i cant leave and i cant get away from this place, because even though suicide is such a good way out, i cant kill myself because its not that bad yet. i dont have anything to kill myself over and it would just make everyone know for a fact that i am an insecure person and that i am a coward and am just looking for an easy way out but thats what i need right now, an easy way out, something that i dont have to spend all my money on and something that i can manage with something i already own. maybe i am taking this too far but when i read things it makes me feel like a dumb ass for feeling the way i do because i see that everyone else is so happy and they can right about boyfriends and girlfriends when i sit here by myself writing about the words that rush through my brain at an uncountable rate. but whats funny is that none of the words and phrases that run through my head make me want to smile or be happy and none of them make me want to forget about the past, they all are the past and wont go away. the memories are burnt in my brain and have left a scar that is unremovable. there is a quote by mark twain that i ended up having to write a paper on and how it relates to me. the quote is "everyone is like a moon in which they have a dark side which they never show to anyone." how incredibly welll does that fit me and the things i feel and how i handle myself. it is amazing how someone that lived long ago can make a statement that can hold true so long in the future. i have written enough depressing words for one entry so bye for now.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 21 March :: 8.20pm

birthday
well its finally over. thank god lol. i dont really feel like making one of those heart renching journal entries so this is just gonna be what i did entry lol. so all day saturday i cleaned and stuff for the party and then the party started at 730 til 10. it was pretty fun some pretty gay stuff happened though that pissed me off. for one stef wasnt able to come but that didnt piss me off because something really serious happened at her house that made her not be able to come and if you read this stef i love you so much! then carly called a girl named amy and she was like u didnt invite me and i was thinkin partially because no one wants you here but its not that i dont like her we are just more of aquantances so whatever. then we sat around for a while and watched tv and waited for people to show so we could do the cake and icecream thing. and then after that my wonderful best friend, not really on saturday night though, frankie along with a friend ross to "kaneans house" and actually went on a little walk to cloud 9. then they came back, smelt like shit, and i took care of them and kinda was mean but i dont care cause it was such and asshole thing to do. "oh yea ryan we are gonna go to kaneans house lol real quick is it kool" "yea sure frankie why not." but whatever i dont care anymore. and then we sat around downstairs for a little while more and me and mary vance finally got to talk again so that was nice. it didnt really make me too happy what we talked about cause it was the topic of alex. she decided not to show to the party cause she probably felt like given ben head more than just hangin out wwith friends but thats ok i guess we wont really know a difference when she moves. then somethin that i screwed up on was with my friend lindsey whom i am so sry for doin this to. she called mal's cell and then it made me remember that i had forgotten to invite her during the day on saturday and so i called her back and she ended up bein at ms. connors house and what really hit hard was that she turned to ms. connor and said "my best friend didnt even invite me to his birthday." and it just made me feel like such a bad friend and yet again if u read this lindsey i am really sry. so then after that happened brian showed up late which kinda bothered me because before he came people were like "yea he told me he ... MIGHT come to ur party" so that made me kinda pissed but i didnt care because by that time i was so fed up with stuff i was like fuck him lol but i love you brian and i am glad u showed up. then we had little massage sessions and everyone was just lounging around and stuff so it was a good time. then today i just did some chores around the house and then my family came over and we had a little cook out thing. then after everyone left my dad proceeded to call me into the kitchen and took like 250 dollars of my birthday money, 50 going in my bank account and 50 going to my iTunes acount, but the rest was going to go into his bank account to pay for part of my parents birthday present to me. so if u think about it i actually paid for part of his present to me which is pretty ghetto cause i know they wouldnt ever do that to my brother but its ok cause now i dont have money for other people to mooch off of me so its all good. but although it might not sound like it i had a pretty good weekend and birthday. thanks everybody for making it interesting its been fun.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 21 March :: 3.53am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Blindside - Shekina

Dear Lindsey,
Bud you are one of the greatest and most loyal friends I have and last night when you called mal's cell phone it hit me that I had forgotten to envite you earlier that day to my house for my birthday that night and when you turned to chelsea i heard you say "my best friend didnt even envite me to his birthday" and when i heard u say that its like a bomb landed and i felt so horrible. i know i must have hurt your feelings and i am so sry. i will do anything to make it up to you just ask. Lindsey i love you so much and am so sry for what i did i know i messed up. hopefully you will forgive me and we will be good again. talk to you later.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 20 March :: 3.26pm
:: Mood: disappointed

disorders
HASH(0x891d0d0)
dependent


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 20 March :: 10.47am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Stuck here in a place with no door to escape
this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

this is the time

we never thought would come

(someone save us quick)



never imagined

it this way

didnít know something

I loved

Could hurt me so much

Made some mistakes

But nothing that

Could break us-

But you-

You broke us.

(please someone help us now)



waited around

not willing to let it go

to let it fall

to let it slip away

but my dear friend

-and no offense-

this pain I feel

stabs me

in my back

and I decided

best friends

donít carry knives



didnít mean to make you cry

from my stupid

immaturities

guess growing up

comes with some petty

screwed up choices

but I also thought

part of your job

was forgiving and forgettingÖ

but in that guess

I was wrong

You only left me behind.

(someone take this hurt from me)



didnít think

I could go on without you

But now I see

Everything so clear

Iím making it on alone

Just fine

However my life

Will never be the same

Without you near



But it was your choice

What you wanted

So I guess itsí what you need

At that

Iím leaving you alone

You seem to be

Okay without me

Thought I meant

More to you

But youíve proven

Different

Yeah it hurts

But I can cope

If this is what you want



cause all I really

care about is

how you feel

what you want

and how youíre making out

well you look happy

and that makes me smile

so Iíll smile

from a distance

(if only you felt how I feel now)



because now I realize

this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

(only god can save us now)

this is the time

you leave me behind

donít worry-

itís nothing

I havenít felt beforeÖ


Lindsey wrote the song/poem above and i am actually taking the time to read her journal for the first time, from beginning to end. Lindsey is a friend that means so much to me yet we dont hang out that much anymore and she has such a wonderful way of writing poems and such that they can get you wrapped up in them even if you have never experienced nothing like it. It sux how things can fall apart and when I read this poem it makes me think about all the things that i love in my life that are falling apart, maybe for the best but probably not. bye for now

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 20 March :: 10.47am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Stuck here in a place with no door to escape
this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

this is the time

we never thought would come

(someone save us quick)



never imagined

it this way

didnít know something

I loved

Could hurt me so much

Made some mistakes

But nothing that

Could break us-

But you-

You broke us.

(please someone help us now)



waited around

not willing to let it go

to let it fall

to let it slip away

but my dear friend

-and no offense-

this pain I feel

stabs me

in my back

and I decided

best friends

donít carry knives



didnít mean to make you cry

from my stupid

immaturities

guess growing up

comes with some petty

screwed up choices

but I also thought

part of your job

was forgiving and forgettingÖ

but in that guess

I was wrong

You only left me behind.

(someone take this hurt from me)



didnít think

I could go on without you

But now I see

Everything so clear

Iím making it on alone

Just fine

However my life

Will never be the same

Without you near



But it was your choice

What you wanted

So I guess itsí what you need

At that

Iím leaving you alone

You seem to be

Okay without me

Thought I meant

More to you

But youíve proven

Different

Yeah it hurts

But I can cope

If this is what you want



cause all I really

care about is

how you feel

what you want

and how youíre making out

well you look happy

and that makes me smile

so Iíll smile

from a distance

(if only you felt how I feel now)



because now I realize

this is the year

weíre falling out

falling fast

falling apart

(only god can save us now)

this is the time

you leave me behind

donít worry-

itís nothing

I havenít felt beforeÖ


Lindsey wrote the song/poem above and i am actually taking the time to read her profile for the first time, from beginning to end. Lindsey is a friend that means so much to me yet we dont hang out that much anymore. It sux how things can fall apart and when I read this poem this morning it just made me think about all the things that i love in my life that are falling apart, maybe for the best but probably not. bye for now

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 12 March :: 11.22am
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Conversations - "I dont know the band"

Conversations
It is so strange how every conversation that people have, whether it be face to face with someone, on the internet, or on the phone always has an ending. It may be that a subject is brought up and once you say a few things about it there is nothing else to say. Other times it may just be saying goodbye. But, there are some conversations you find yourself never wanting to end. The conversations that you find yourself saying goodbye to something you dont want to let go, or the conversation that begins something that ends in a goodbye conversation that you dont want to end to avoid the goodbyes. Maybe i am jusyt caught up in some random thoughts about conversations and how they come to ends and are forgotten and then pointless. But the reason i wrote this entry is there are conversations that i have had that have changed my life, conversations that i still remember every word to, conversations that dont just come to a random end and conversations that arent just pointless and forgetable. I hope that i will always remember these few conversations i have had because when you think about them they can change your outlook on things depending what they were about when you think about them. Conversations are great especially the unforgetable ones. dont take them for granted because the day that you cant have a conversation with a person who normally supplies you with the best conversations ever, you wont know what to do or say and end up just sitting there in silence. but then again that may be the signal that it is time to move on and fine a replacment but for some thats to hard of a concept to do. bye for now.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 5 March :: 11.20pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Trapt - Echo

Why do new beginnings have to start with tragedy?
It seems like every time i get to a new point in my life, whether good or bad, it always seems not to last. Why can't my happiness last and i see other people that have been happy for months and probably will be for a few more. But no matter what, no matter who you are, there will always be something to happen that gets you off your pedistole and back down into the depths of depression and suicide. When i say sucide i don't mean literally killing yourself, I mean to put yourself through torture everyday thinking about things that are never going to change, and you are killing yourself with the depression. There was one happening that I haven't talked about very much and only a few people know about, and that is my grandpa's new diagnosis. He is going to die this month (march) and for some reason I am constantly getting a feeling that he is going to pass away around my birthday. We found out not too long ago that he has cancer in his bones which can't be healed with radiation or kemo. When we first heard he had a very short time to live i was knocked to the floor off my small pedistool of "hapiness". Actually i don't even know if it was happiness becasue the whole time i was questioning relationships with people here and people who soon wont be. And during my time of "happiness" that wasnt really happy, i wasnt thinking of my grandpa and him leaving for good, and now that he is soon i know that all the time i have with my friends should be used wisely and to our advantages to make more memories because they last forever and we need as many good ones as we can get. And once i heard about my Grandpa passing away soon it made me think of another person thats really really important to me that is moving away at the end of the school year. Alex Hall-Ruiz was the girlfriend that i had the relationshiop people wanted to have with someone. I said that i was over her and that it was a good thing but now that i feel like i need someone my feelings have kinda returned at least to the point where i miss her so much its crazy. I was thinking about it tonight when i was at Carly's and out on her dock with everyone and all i could think about was alex and why she wasnt here spending the time she has left here with her friends and people that care about her instead of spending every possible chance with only two people, Leigh and Ben. I guess it doesnt make sense to me why we dont use our time to our advantage, but then it hit me that spending time with her might only make me happy and make her annoyed or uncomfortable or jsut bored or something, because it seems like every passing day we grow further and further apart. i guess we will just see what happens in the end.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2004 9 January :: 6.36am
:: Mood: letting go
:: Music: Mid April Romance - Juliana

A new chapter
About four days ago i noticed something different. it felt weird to be at school and to see alex and sit at lunch with her and seeing her and ben together. the thing is it wasnt weird because i was uncomfortable, it was weird because i think i have moved on. since around august 25th or something of 2002 i have like alex. thats a really long time and i think i am finally done with my loosing streak. its strange to say i dont like alex anymore because i have for so long and it seems like that is just the right thing to do but now i really am moving on. i realized that something was different last saturday though but i kind of dismissed it and didnt think about it. and then as i kept feeling the same weird feeling i thought about it more and more and then i saw alex and it was just kind of like "oh hey there she is now i can go somewhere else." it was like i didnt need to be around her like i wasnt trying to get her to like me again becuase i didnt like her and thats when it hit me. so this whole week i have been so happy almost like i came out of accoma and am alive again. but whenever i am alone and just think about her i start thinking that it might be a bad thing that i dont like her anymore. well not a bad thing but kind of a sad thing. after liking someone for so long and then one random day wake up and not feel the same way and just feel like really good friends is a little sad but at the same time not liking her lifted this huge weight off my shoulders and i was happy almost instantely. now when i am around her and ben i kind of just sit there like everyone else does and it doesnt bother me. its great to feel like all i want to be with her is friends when i know all she wants to be is my friend. a few days before new year alex said to me that this really was going to be a new year and there were gonna be changes. i guess she was right. please anyone and everyone who reads this i would like you to leave a comment about what you think and if u dont have a thought about it then just dont leave one(and leave ur name with the comment please).bye for now.

8 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 28 December :: 11.47am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: American Hi_FI - The Art of Losing

Blue Eyes
whats wrong with small imperfections? i dont underdstand why everyone longs to live in a perfect world when there will always be something wrong that happens. it could be a girl that wrecks a few months in your life but before that gave you 8 months of pure happiness up to the very last minute and second. there could also be one imperfection about yourself that you think makes you you but someone else longs to get rid of. its crazy how other people want to make someone else perfect for them. people should just be left alone and decide who they want to be. who cares if i have blue eyes or if the next guy to come along has green. they still may hold some of the same stories within them. blue eyes has changed though. i have many nex experiences and thoughts and feelings locked within the blue sea of my eye that may never be seen unless you unlock them. there was one point in time where you didnt have to open a lock to know me you just did and now we have distanced ourselves from eachother quite some distance and i have chained and locked my secrets. but truthfully my journal is a way to let a small part of blue eyes visible to everyone who wants to know my heart's aches and pains and a few laughs inbetween. this is to you, alex, when i think of you all of our fights and arguments do not come to mind all the time. most recently when i think of you i smile, just remembering the good times that we had, which there were tons, and just knowing that they will be mine until i let them fade away which i know will never happen until i fade away. i think i am slowly losing myself though. i think that what i was at the beginning has gone away and only a small part remains. i hope that small part we be brought back to the surface and i can become myself once again. who knows it might be when i move or when alex does but hopefully it will happen before i die. i will find myself and i believe that when i can have a certain person back in my life i will be a lot of the way back because that person makes up a huge part of me and my life. but there will always be the day i will lose her again and that will probably be the day i lose myself for good or until our next meeting. i hope things arent like they are now when i do loose her forever because then who knows when i will be me again.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 21 December :: 8.52am
:: Music: Thursday - Brought to you by a Falling Bomb

sitting in the chair that started it all
This Thursday i spent my night over at Amanda's house with a lot of people whom I haven't hung out with in a long time and one new face. I really think i needed that time away from my neighborhood and the craziness that goes on here. It was so funny when Danielle(frankie's sister) got home from school on thursday @ like 4 and she came in and Frankie and her started like screaming at eachother and then she started screaming at all his friends to get out. it was craziness. lol. so it was good to get away from it all for a few hours. But while I was at amanda's house i went and sat on the chair that started me and alex. it was the first time we had ever seen eachother outside of school, when things were so easy and not complicated. we went and sat on that little chair thing with eachother and just sat there and thats what it was all about just being there with eachother. there wasn't any making out or any of that, just being with eachother and being comfortable and happy. it was so weird to sit on that chair without her because I haven't been back to amanda's since we broke up and all these memories just rushed over me. like the time when me and friend and alex were all jumping on the trampoline and I was fell down and then stef fell down and her butt landed right on my face. i screamed she laughed and rolled on the floor because it was so funny and alex was the last to fall down laughing. funny memories like that can make my day totally better no matter what. but then carol was reading journals on freeopendiary.com and i said that i wanted to read yours because i had previously only read like one entry. i wish i would have read your journal earlier to know exactly what you were thinking and how you felt so you could still be mine but i had a good oportunity come my way and i let it pass me by. i'll learn next time. Lucky numbers: 4, 8, 10, 13, 41, 42.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 14 December :: 9.11am
:: Mood: you hold the pieces to me broken heart - crushed
:: Music: n'sync - girlfriend remix

all for nothing
i have found out that i have been doing this all for nothing. i have been putting myself through all this crap everyday for nothing just to watch you move on with someone else and have a different life. why couldnt you just tell me. i told you i needed to know but for some reason you still couldnt come up with the balls to tell me the truth to tell me that in your comment when you said "we have become best friends" you meant it and that thats all we are now. you couldnt come up with the courage to tell me it wont happen again because you were probably scared of what i had to say back and that "no matter what you will always have feelings for me cause i was your first love" but what are those feelings if they have changed. they really dont mean shit. who cares if you just want to be my friend i have plenty of those and the reason i held on to you was because you were more than just my friend you were my love and you still are because my feelings havent changed and they never will but like u said i should know when it is time to move on and i know that now is the time. goodbye forever.

4 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 10 December :: 6.50am

random thoughts and questions that will never be answered (this is an entry that i am gona keep adding stuff to)
If heartaches had wings i would have soared away a long time ago.

I really do think you have changed your mind about us. I think I am standing on the sideline to a game that has no hurt players. Yet...

5 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 6 December :: 10.17pm

mall
i went to the mall with brian tonight and we had the best time. this chinese guy put this toothpick with chicken in brians face and was like "u want chicken?! u want chicken?!" it was really funny though. i also got this awesome wallet with a chain there too. oh and today i spent 6 hours at the bowlin alley doin the saturday mornin league and workin it was fun though. brian patrick lindsey(LindseyEthatsMe - her journal on woohu) and me were all workin today. it was fun

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 5 December :: 9.09am

a lot has happened
it seems like so much stuff has happened to me and my friends in like the past two days. i almost lost one of my best friends on friday but i think i persuaded them to keep talkin to me (thank you for that cause i almost started like freakin out cause of it lol). i realized that there will always be something that gets in my way from things that i have wanted for the longest time. and i realized that by everyones definition, i have loved. the moment i saw this girl i just fell in love. it was kind of hidden behind her hair (lol that was so funny) but still now that i think about it the second i saw here i really did love her. this thought came from the beginning lesson to romeo and juliet in my english class where a quote said "you have not loved if you have not loved at first sight" (somethin along those lines) and it just made me think. my best FRIEND has recently lost someone is her family and even though she did i heard that she wanted me to know that she was sorry that she wouldnt be at school to day hey to me. when i heard that i laughed and it seemed to make the grim news a little better. i just wanted to tpe in some random happeneings over the days for this entry. later

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 27 November :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: jealous

can't stop
"this vacations useless these white pills are kind, ive given a lot of thought on this thirteen hour drive. i miss the grinded concrete where we sat past eight or nine and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights. do you care if i dont know what to say? will you sleep tonight or will you think of me?..."

i cant stop repeating tose lines from box care racer's - there is in my head. it really describes how i am feeling right now. i feel that being in ohio is pointless and useless because tomorrow i get to be here all day and then on saturday i leave around twelve. i cant accomplish anything worth while this trip and the only things i will remember are my aunts prayer and the way my grandpa looked when i got here. but my main subject for this entry is to let out a little bit of my thoughts. see i cant stop thinking about you and the times we used to have and now that you are with him. i guess i can just admit the fact that i am jealous. but i dont know if it is time to just say forgget it because i might just be wasting my time, because what if me and you never happen again? maybe i should just move on. who knows?

5 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 27 November :: 10.25am
:: Mood: touched

Crosses on The Highway
on wednesday and thurday when we were driving to ohio i saw a single cross and two triplets of crosses. we were driving through west virginia on wednesday when we came upon a valley called cedar grove and there was mainly coal mines and a few neighborhoods in the area but directly in the center of the valley, on the mountainside, their was a cross made of lights. it just looked to me like it was watching over the valley and keeping everyone there safe. there were also two sets of triplet corsses on random hillsides on the interstate in ohio on thursday and also reminded me of having the watching over purpose to them. the crosses were just a good memory so i though i would write it down.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 27 November :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: indescribable

Thanksgiving
"Heavenly father, we give thanks for all the blessings you have given us. We thank you for watching over the journey Linda, Brad, Ryan, and Eric did so that we could all enjoy this feast that you have provided.
Father we pray for your healing power for our dad who has cancer. Restore his health and strength, for through you father, all things are possible. We praise your name O GOD, AMEN." (Aunt Sharon, 27 November 2003)

words of praise and prayer filled me thanksgiving holiday with the family in Ohio. one of my previous entries is about going to Ohio and seeing my grandpa for the first time since he has become sick with cancer. i walked in their garage door and as i was walking through, grandpa walked up. he was wearing all grey and a grey beanie that was sitting on his head to keep it warm for he doesnt have any hair left. i gave my grandma a hug first and when i was hugging her i was just listening to my grandpa talk for a moment and i almost lost it. then i walked over to him and gave him a hug. he felt so thin and small, unlike how it is to normally give him a hug. he looked so pale and lifeless. but after i gave him a hug he held my hand for a minute or two and just looked at me. then he said "its amazing how much you have grown and how handsome you are." i could tell by the look in his eyes that he would give anything to be my age a gain and be able to make certain choices over again so he would not be like he is right now. then i started thinking of some of my bad habits and that i really dont want to participate in them anymore because i didnt want to put my family through the heartache and worry that he is putting them through. the quote in the beginning of this entry was recited before the meal today by my Aunt Sharon. once she reached the part where she talked of my grandpa she broke down crying. but once the words that she said set in, everyone else got a tear in their eyes and took random glances at my grandpa who was sitting at the end of the table. the glances were all ones not really meant towards him but really towards god. their glances were thanking god for letting him be here with us today.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 25 November :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: three days grace - i hate everything about you

My Comments
It is so amazing to read the comments on what you think and what you are going through and to see what people think about what is happeneing in your life and the advice they give you. i thank all my friends who have put their names and said who they were to their comments and i am kind of like what the hell do you know about me if you dont put your name because if you did know me i would much rather you fess up to your feelings and right your name at the end of your comments. dont take this the wrong way i do appreciate the comments i just wish that i could put a face to the words that could change my life and my perspective on life.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 25 November :: 7.40am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Lone Star - I'm amazed by You

I really am Thankful
while everyone else is tucked away with their families at tables with great food and an attitude filling the room of love and happiness and especially thankfulness, i will be states away from people that i love seeing others that i love very much but the feeling in my thanksgiving room wont be happiness and thankfulness. i am probably going to be depressed yet forcing myself to look happy (i am pretty good at this though because i get practice everyday when i have to talk to a few people in the halls) because right across the table from me is going to be my grandpa who is undergoing radiation and chemotherapy for cancer. i will be sitting across from my grandpa that has lost thirty pounds that he didnt have and that has lost all his soft and silky white hair (i might add he had more hair than my dad), but i will also be sitting across from my grandpa that can barely get the words out "i love you" when we are getting off the phone with eachother because he has no energy because cancer has killed off all his red blood cells and soon him as well. the minute i walk in their front door to their two bedroom two bath patio home in Huron Ohio i will run over to my grandpa give him the biggest hug i ever have and start breaking down crying because for all i know that may be the last time i will be able to hug him like that again and the last time i will be able to say i love you to him. i just hope that everyone has a really great thanksgiving and a good day at school on wednesday because on wednesday on the car ride to ohio i will be planning how to make myself not cry to sleep thursday night because i have to see my grandfather, the guy who made me british if you couldn't tell, die right before my own eyes. i am thankful though that i get to see him because this could be the last opportunity i get. i really am thankful.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 22 November :: 11.15am
:: Mood: fine (freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotion
:: Music: 3 Days Grace - I Hate everything about you

thank you
so this morning when i got up and i was at bowling i was thinking about my ebtry from last night and thought how things kind of seemed like i was just blaming you and making it seemed like you ruined my life or somethin, but you didnt. you have done so many things in my life and definately left good memeroies behind even if there are a few bad ones. we had the best times together and have a million different jokes, i'm english cant ya tell? lol. but i just wanted to say thank you and last night i was just really frustrated with everything so i didnt say any of the good things that i think of. i just want to say thank you.

7 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 22 November :: 12.58pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Wake Up - Three Days Grace

"What do you expect me to do? wait for you"
wow so this is my first journal entry. i am definately not gonna hold anything back. so how about this monday was probably like the worst day of my life, even though for the past year and like three months i think i have had about four days that will always be the worst over any other and those days are always caused by one person, alex. she seems to know exactly what to say to me and when to say it to just keep me hanging on. but this monday her and ben started goin out and to me this "relationship" totally came out of nowhere because on sunday she told me how he came over to her house and kissed her and asked her out and she said no because of me. but then monday rolls around and its an all new alex! he asks her out again and this time she says yes! i swear to god my arm was shaking so bad when she told me that she went out with him on the phone i wanted to throw the phone at the wall and like break it into a hundred little pieces. so now everyday at school i see them together and in all seriousness i want to go over there and punch the shit out of him. but i know that i cant because truthfully i shouldnt have anything to complain about because i threw it all away this time. according to mary vance everyone who knows what "really" happened has no pity for me at all because i had previously told alex that i couldnt go out with her and have to let her go in six months and possibly loose some friends that i could have for four more years. doesnt that seem perfectly understandable. but no i was about to aske her out becase i finally decided that if it isnt for goin out with alex that they will be yellin at me for it will just be somethin eles. like today on the bus after school frankie could just not stop blamin everything on me. i swear all i need to do is find one more person to replace me in a relationship i have and i wont need to live anymore. ben replaced me in alex's life and ross replaced me in frankie's life and actually there is probably someone that replaced me in someonelses life too i just havent really noticed it yet. i think it might just be that this week is the replace ryan week and then next week things will go back to normal. but anyways today in gym i was talkin to mary vance about what was wrong with me and i was like you know what is wrong with me u said it like two seconds ago. and just previously she was sayin how cute she thought ben and alex were together. but then mary vance continues to tell me how much i hurt alex when i told her i wouldnt go out with her because i wanted to keep my friends and that alex has moved on and then i started thinking about everything that is going wrong now, my grandpa, alex, frankie, my mom, dad, and brother, and i just started ballin cryin. it was crazy. im sure eveeything i just wrote seems like a big jumbled mass of confusion but all that is whats running through my head at this very moment. i just cant stand how she said she cant wait on me but i have waited on her for more than a total of like five months. it just bewilders me sometimes how she has the nerve to tell me that she couldnt wait just one more day or even one more week on me but now i have to wait who knows how long again because according to mary vances folder "Alex hearts Ben." blah.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.

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