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hi. i'm Lindsey.

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emo414

:: 2003 10 December :: 6.50am

random thoughts and questions that will never be answered (this is an entry that i am gona keep adding stuff to)
If heartaches had wings i would have soared away a long time ago.

I really do think you have changed your mind about us. I think I am standing on the sideline to a game that has no hurt players. Yet...

5 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 6 December :: 10.17pm

mall
i went to the mall with brian tonight and we had the best time. this chinese guy put this toothpick with chicken in brians face and was like "u want chicken?! u want chicken?!" it was really funny though. i also got this awesome wallet with a chain there too. oh and today i spent 6 hours at the bowlin alley doin the saturday mornin league and workin it was fun though. brian patrick lindsey(LindseyEthatsMe - her journal on woohu) and me were all workin today. it was fun

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 5 December :: 9.09am

a lot has happened
it seems like so much stuff has happened to me and my friends in like the past two days. i almost lost one of my best friends on friday but i think i persuaded them to keep talkin to me (thank you for that cause i almost started like freakin out cause of it lol). i realized that there will always be something that gets in my way from things that i have wanted for the longest time. and i realized that by everyones definition, i have loved. the moment i saw this girl i just fell in love. it was kind of hidden behind her hair (lol that was so funny) but still now that i think about it the second i saw here i really did love her. this thought came from the beginning lesson to romeo and juliet in my english class where a quote said "you have not loved if you have not loved at first sight" (somethin along those lines) and it just made me think. my best FRIEND has recently lost someone is her family and even though she did i heard that she wanted me to know that she was sorry that she wouldnt be at school to day hey to me. when i heard that i laughed and it seemed to make the grim news a little better. i just wanted to tpe in some random happeneings over the days for this entry. later

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 27 November :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: jealous

can't stop
"this vacations useless these white pills are kind, ive given a lot of thought on this thirteen hour drive. i miss the grinded concrete where we sat past eight or nine and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights. do you care if i dont know what to say? will you sleep tonight or will you think of me?..."

i cant stop repeating tose lines from box care racer's - there is in my head. it really describes how i am feeling right now. i feel that being in ohio is pointless and useless because tomorrow i get to be here all day and then on saturday i leave around twelve. i cant accomplish anything worth while this trip and the only things i will remember are my aunts prayer and the way my grandpa looked when i got here. but my main subject for this entry is to let out a little bit of my thoughts. see i cant stop thinking about you and the times we used to have and now that you are with him. i guess i can just admit the fact that i am jealous. but i dont know if it is time to just say forgget it because i might just be wasting my time, because what if me and you never happen again? maybe i should just move on. who knows?

5 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 27 November :: 10.25am
:: Mood: touched

Crosses on The Highway
on wednesday and thurday when we were driving to ohio i saw a single cross and two triplets of crosses. we were driving through west virginia on wednesday when we came upon a valley called cedar grove and there was mainly coal mines and a few neighborhoods in the area but directly in the center of the valley, on the mountainside, their was a cross made of lights. it just looked to me like it was watching over the valley and keeping everyone there safe. there were also two sets of triplet corsses on random hillsides on the interstate in ohio on thursday and also reminded me of having the watching over purpose to them. the crosses were just a good memory so i though i would write it down.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 27 November :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: indescribable

Thanksgiving
"Heavenly father, we give thanks for all the blessings you have given us. We thank you for watching over the journey Linda, Brad, Ryan, and Eric did so that we could all enjoy this feast that you have provided.
Father we pray for your healing power for our dad who has cancer. Restore his health and strength, for through you father, all things are possible. We praise your name O GOD, AMEN." (Aunt Sharon, 27 November 2003)

words of praise and prayer filled me thanksgiving holiday with the family in Ohio. one of my previous entries is about going to Ohio and seeing my grandpa for the first time since he has become sick with cancer. i walked in their garage door and as i was walking through, grandpa walked up. he was wearing all grey and a grey beanie that was sitting on his head to keep it warm for he doesnt have any hair left. i gave my grandma a hug first and when i was hugging her i was just listening to my grandpa talk for a moment and i almost lost it. then i walked over to him and gave him a hug. he felt so thin and small, unlike how it is to normally give him a hug. he looked so pale and lifeless. but after i gave him a hug he held my hand for a minute or two and just looked at me. then he said "its amazing how much you have grown and how handsome you are." i could tell by the look in his eyes that he would give anything to be my age a gain and be able to make certain choices over again so he would not be like he is right now. then i started thinking of some of my bad habits and that i really dont want to participate in them anymore because i didnt want to put my family through the heartache and worry that he is putting them through. the quote in the beginning of this entry was recited before the meal today by my Aunt Sharon. once she reached the part where she talked of my grandpa she broke down crying. but once the words that she said set in, everyone else got a tear in their eyes and took random glances at my grandpa who was sitting at the end of the table. the glances were all ones not really meant towards him but really towards god. their glances were thanking god for letting him be here with us today.

kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 25 November :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: three days grace - i hate everything about you

My Comments
It is so amazing to read the comments on what you think and what you are going through and to see what people think about what is happeneing in your life and the advice they give you. i thank all my friends who have put their names and said who they were to their comments and i am kind of like what the hell do you know about me if you dont put your name because if you did know me i would much rather you fess up to your feelings and right your name at the end of your comments. dont take this the wrong way i do appreciate the comments i just wish that i could put a face to the words that could change my life and my perspective on life.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 25 November :: 7.40am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Lone Star - I'm amazed by You

I really am Thankful
while everyone else is tucked away with their families at tables with great food and an attitude filling the room of love and happiness and especially thankfulness, i will be states away from people that i love seeing others that i love very much but the feeling in my thanksgiving room wont be happiness and thankfulness. i am probably going to be depressed yet forcing myself to look happy (i am pretty good at this though because i get practice everyday when i have to talk to a few people in the halls) because right across the table from me is going to be my grandpa who is undergoing radiation and chemotherapy for cancer. i will be sitting across from my grandpa that has lost thirty pounds that he didnt have and that has lost all his soft and silky white hair (i might add he had more hair than my dad), but i will also be sitting across from my grandpa that can barely get the words out "i love you" when we are getting off the phone with eachother because he has no energy because cancer has killed off all his red blood cells and soon him as well. the minute i walk in their front door to their two bedroom two bath patio home in Huron Ohio i will run over to my grandpa give him the biggest hug i ever have and start breaking down crying because for all i know that may be the last time i will be able to hug him like that again and the last time i will be able to say i love you to him. i just hope that everyone has a really great thanksgiving and a good day at school on wednesday because on wednesday on the car ride to ohio i will be planning how to make myself not cry to sleep thursday night because i have to see my grandfather, the guy who made me british if you couldn't tell, die right before my own eyes. i am thankful though that i get to see him because this could be the last opportunity i get. i really am thankful.

1 thought | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 22 November :: 11.15am
:: Mood: fine (freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotion
:: Music: 3 Days Grace - I Hate everything about you

thank you
so this morning when i got up and i was at bowling i was thinking about my ebtry from last night and thought how things kind of seemed like i was just blaming you and making it seemed like you ruined my life or somethin, but you didnt. you have done so many things in my life and definately left good memeroies behind even if there are a few bad ones. we had the best times together and have a million different jokes, i'm english cant ya tell? lol. but i just wanted to say thank you and last night i was just really frustrated with everything so i didnt say any of the good things that i think of. i just want to say thank you.

7 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.


emo414

:: 2003 22 November :: 12.58pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Wake Up - Three Days Grace

"What do you expect me to do? wait for you"
wow so this is my first journal entry. i am definately not gonna hold anything back. so how about this monday was probably like the worst day of my life, even though for the past year and like three months i think i have had about four days that will always be the worst over any other and those days are always caused by one person, alex. she seems to know exactly what to say to me and when to say it to just keep me hanging on. but this monday her and ben started goin out and to me this "relationship" totally came out of nowhere because on sunday she told me how he came over to her house and kissed her and asked her out and she said no because of me. but then monday rolls around and its an all new alex! he asks her out again and this time she says yes! i swear to god my arm was shaking so bad when she told me that she went out with him on the phone i wanted to throw the phone at the wall and like break it into a hundred little pieces. so now everyday at school i see them together and in all seriousness i want to go over there and punch the shit out of him. but i know that i cant because truthfully i shouldnt have anything to complain about because i threw it all away this time. according to mary vance everyone who knows what "really" happened has no pity for me at all because i had previously told alex that i couldnt go out with her and have to let her go in six months and possibly loose some friends that i could have for four more years. doesnt that seem perfectly understandable. but no i was about to aske her out becase i finally decided that if it isnt for goin out with alex that they will be yellin at me for it will just be somethin eles. like today on the bus after school frankie could just not stop blamin everything on me. i swear all i need to do is find one more person to replace me in a relationship i have and i wont need to live anymore. ben replaced me in alex's life and ross replaced me in frankie's life and actually there is probably someone that replaced me in someonelses life too i just havent really noticed it yet. i think it might just be that this week is the replace ryan week and then next week things will go back to normal. but anyways today in gym i was talkin to mary vance about what was wrong with me and i was like you know what is wrong with me u said it like two seconds ago. and just previously she was sayin how cute she thought ben and alex were together. but then mary vance continues to tell me how much i hurt alex when i told her i wouldnt go out with her because i wanted to keep my friends and that alex has moved on and then i started thinking about everything that is going wrong now, my grandpa, alex, frankie, my mom, dad, and brother, and i just started ballin cryin. it was crazy. im sure eveeything i just wrote seems like a big jumbled mass of confusion but all that is whats running through my head at this very moment. i just cant stand how she said she cant wait on me but i have waited on her for more than a total of like five months. it just bewilders me sometimes how she has the nerve to tell me that she couldnt wait just one more day or even one more week on me but now i have to wait who knows how long again because according to mary vances folder "Alex hearts Ben." blah.

2 thoughts | kiss my mischief blissfully.

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