*-|If there ever comes a day, When we can't be together, Keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.|-*
*-|If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus one day, so I never have to live without you.|-*
*-|We will be friends until forever, just you wait and see.|-*
- Winnie the Pooh
Goals are very important to have in one's life. Goals centralize the mind on reaching a destination that is wanted. All hopes and dreams are driven by the desire to accomplish them, so one could argue that life is an ambition -- a dream -- a hope -- some sort of strange goal -- and that life only goes on because of the wanting to go somewhere -- and anywhere. This could also mean that birth symbolizes the creation of a dream and that death symbolizes the completion and accomplishment of life. If life is a dream, then all we aspire in will come true if we believe enough.


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:: 2014 26 October :: 8.29pm
:: Mood: embarrassed

Oh god...
This is a trip.

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:: 2008 20 August :: 12.58pm
:: Mood: Lost
:: Music: Steve Jablonksi

The Island Awaits
So I am at my parents house. Contemplating...

What if we just left everything and everyone here....

Maybe we should leave spokane entirely.

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:: 2008 16 February :: 6.35pm
:: Music: Nothing

The Bleeding Wounds on my hands
Sooooo.... What two years have passed since i said I wouldn't post on this site. Things have gotten worse... I have no idea of who I am anymore. I have lost touch with what made me feel strong. I left the city but...

I dont know what is worse, the fact that I am in no way who I used to be or the fact that I dont care. Any lingering belief of god has vanished. It is hell, I am in living hell. I CAN'T Talk to anybody else about what is going on. What has happened.

Years ago I wanted to die because I was a stupid whiney teenager. Now, I dont care what happens now, I just want to get out of this hell. I don't care if I die... I feel I have failed life before I even got a start.

Money is Evil. Money started this all.. I'm Drowning. I wish I could cry again. I wish I could drink.. drinking took me a million miles away from here. But I dont drink... I have the life of a fucking drug addict living on the streets and I dont even do drugs... Im just buried.

I dont know when I'll post again. I dont know if anyone even reads this anymore.

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:: 2008 1 January :: 12.54am
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: James Bond 007 Theme Remix - ?

I figured I should write in this. Mostly because someone found it and I don't want them to think I am a complete idiot like I frequently portray in this journal.

It's 2008. Main regret: I didn't get to play the 007 theme song once it hit midnight this year. Nor will I ever (or at least with a legitimate excuse) have the excuse to again.

My sister's boyfriend is here. He isn't going home because of the New Years Eve drivers. I feel awkward.

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:: 2007 13 May :: 8.56pm
:: Mood: Stuck between two train tracks
:: Music: Moby - lift me up

why do I keep coming back.....
So..... last time i pretty much my life got way out of hand and everything came out of nowhere. Well, all i can is that it has happened again.

out of no where.... .

my rage has comeback. i find myself now when i am angry a little bit angry fueling the fires and makes everything worse and make myself more and more angry.

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:: 2007 18 January :: 10.19pm

dude..i feel weird still writing in here. but my fucking hand is shaking like a mofo cause i just punched my damn bag cause hilary pissed me off like no other so i can't goddamn write in my paper journal.

fuck hilary. i'm so mad. i dont need people in my life who call me desperate. i'm not fucking desperate. all the shit with her is so fucked up and its cause of her. i dont fuck aroudn with her shit and her life. maybe she could return the favor and leave me the fuck alone. but why the fuck would she?? WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE?! everything is about me, is it? oh really?! fuck you. you're the fucking worst piece of shit ever. you've shown me your true colors you bitch. i'm not the bitch. i'm twice the friend you'll ever be cause youre so self absorbed. you can't be a good friend when the only person you care about is yourself. how fucking often to i talk about myself? seriously..i'll fucking count it if i have to. fuck you. i always ask about other people before i speak. take a god damn page out of the 7 habits book you fuck head. i dont deserve shit from you. i've done nothing but be there for you. and then i meet someone who makes me happy and who i enjoy being around who is not you and you fly off the goddamn handle. fuck that shit you fucking selfish bitch. you're such a fucked up dumbass. i would never fucking call you crying you dumb shit. youre the last person i'd apologize to because you dont deserve it. i fucking deserve it. i tried to tell you that i wanted to work things out and what hte fuck do you do? you fucking ignore me then write me the meanest letter i've ever gotten in my life. you remind me of my family and that despresses me. perhaps its because your dad is an alcoholic and so we have similar trends in our fucked up families. fuck you man. i dont give a shit about you anymore. if you think this of me then why the fuck do you even bother trying to communicate with you fucked up bitch with mental issues?! WHY DO YOU FUCKING DO IT?! give up. i dont want you in my god damn life and you dont want me in yours. you've made that quite clear. i'm gonna go be desperate and talk to joe now you mothr fucker. i truly dislike you in every possible way.

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:: 2007 15 January :: 1.43am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Can't Buy Me Love - Michael Bublé

Layout Change
Changed my layout. I had had the old one for years, so I decided to make an attempt at improving upon it.

It's pretty to look at. I am content.

I've changed a lot since this journal started. I'm really glad too, because reading back on my entries there are a lot that I am not too happy with. If that was the person that I was, I think that I may find that person annoying should I meet them on the streets. Then again I am sure that years from now I will look back on this and think the exact same thing .. but I hope not.

As for things lately, they've been kind of sucky. A bunch of things have decided to hit all at once. It's been a long time since we have had some decently-sized family problems, so I suppose I should have been expecting some. There I was anticipating the next big California-shaking earthquake when in reality it was creeping up behind me, and hitting much closer to home.
Not to mention finals. I've had no motivation to study lately. I don't know what I will do. I'll be so glad once these things are over. .. And then there is everyone asking me where I plan to go for college.

The answer is that I do not know. I most likely will not know for a while. The plan is to go someplace that is a few hours away - close enough to visit once in a while, yet far enough away to get me used to being away. But I don't know what I will do in the long run. What about Mema? I worry about her, and i'm attached to my family, so what am I supposed to do. What is something happens while I am away?

I don't know. I suppose now isn't the best time to think about all of this anyway.

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:: 2006 28 December :: 5.55am
:: Mood: Gave Up
:: Music: Mercy Me - I Can Only Imagine

We are all very awake...
Too any one who read this I am sorry. I am sure I have burned you in the past. Im not asking for forgivness or anything. I am just saying sorry. What has been done has been done and what bridges have been burnt are ashes now.

Its funny, for only a very short time we where on top of the world.

Where I am at in my life, I never wanted to be. Today I broke down and cried infront of a friend. I remember when I set out and left my family behind I swore to not end up in the situation I am in. I have borrowed from everyone to pay for bills. I have borrowed from the family and I swore to myself to never do that. I remember years ago bitching about living in a house where I was told I was worthless. That was my fault, I could have left sooner, should have. My father telling me I wasnt going to make it, I could have gone to school to become something that was more than him, should have. Friends that I betrayed and feeling sorry for myself, I could have stood up for myself, Should have. I have to admit, I put myself there because that was where I got the attention I needed. I could have fixed all those problems that where meaningless, I should have.

I should have done alot of things back then, because now what Im facing is actual life, I should have been more prepared. Because of the government, I can only refer to him as my life partner. But he is my spouse. Is dying of cancer. It came back when we started dating. A year later we have just one chance to take the cancer out of him, but the survival rate is so low because his body is too weak. I know deep in my heart that he will make it, the only problem is that he lost his job and now has no insurance. One of his surgerys was to be today, but its going to happen. Let me tell you we have to decide. We have to choose to take a chance and go through with the surgery and go up against the odds, or accept he is going to die in a very short amount of time (six months maybe). A real problem I never wanted to face. If something happens to him, its the last time I let someone close to me. What really sucks, is inorder to pay for his insurance he had to work 160+ hours a week so that means I saw him less than 6 hours a week. I dont see him smile, laugh, I dont talk to him much anymore because he is at work. He stays away from coming home because the house we are staying at is my sisters and we owe for so many months worth of rent. Our phones will get shut off in two days.
The money situation is so bad, I owe friends and family 3000$ and no way to pay them back, I owe collections probably 5000$ right now and havent responded to their attempts to collect money. I cant get a job because every time I did he needed me and I had to quit or was fired because I choose him over them. My family ruined this holiday again and I have stopped trying with them. They dont accept Mat because in their eyes he took me away from them, when if they opened their eyes It was them. I have turned down friends to hang out with because Mat was going to come home from work the same day they had off. and now they have stopped trying because they know what I will say. Where I am now, with him being at work now 24/7 I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life. I too have stopped laughing, stopped smiling, and deep down I finally gave up trying to be happy. Every time I thought Mat and I would finally have a chance to catch up and get our selves out of this whole, something fucking happens. I would never tell him this but if is fucking Uncle hadn't gone and killed himself and mat go down there for a week to take care of the financial stuff we would have fine. Thats the only thing I want to blame. Every other problem could have been fixed if I had just moved down to lewiston with him. I would have been there for him. His Pontiac wouldnt have been stolen, Alan and Stacey wouldnt have broken his Jeep, His family wouldnt have stolen money, Sprint wouldnt have taken money from him, when he was in the hospital I would have been there, his dog would still be alive, he would still have the house he bought.... Everything is my fault for not going down there. I dont know how long we have until Sara kicks us out of this house. Hell, I dont know if I'll make it if he dies. I know I promised people I wouldnt do anything like that, and I have made sure to never break a promise like that, but with my world gone and nothing but a whole left behind that I cant dig myself out of, what reason is there to live? No one, and I honestly mean it now more than ever, no one can consol me, no would be able to comfort me, no one can help me now.

I just wanted to say sorry. Maybe things will get better but Im tired of thinking that way and the next minute have everything that could go horribly wrong, happen.

Again Im sorry if those who read this I have burned you before. Sometimes you just need to only say sorry.

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:: 2006 27 November :: 7.30pm

i need a hug. i wish i could write in my paper journal but i'm tired and need to do my math homework so i'm down here writing on the computer.. yeah..so i dunno why i'm so sad. its just everything. grades and shit. mom and dad drinking is really bothering me so much. and i just dont know what to do with myself. i can't talk to anyone cause i feel like i'm bothering them and being selfish by talking about myself. so sometimes i slip and let a little out to a friend but then i'm like "dude..what the hell? let them get a word in. stop feeling so damn sorry for your fucking self. you're not the most important person in the world so listen for once." i guess i'd rather listen to other people for hours on end than talk about myself cause i know its boring. i do. who the fuck would want to listen about shitty my family is. they probably dont even think its that bad. i know that i think that way about some peoples 'problems". but you know..its all a matter of perspective and i always forget that. i'm too busy thinking that my problems are the goddamn worst when in reality i could be in a lot worse of a condition. fuck it. thats all i can think of to say.

holidays suck. i'm dreading christmas so bad. they're just a reminder of how fucked up everything is. how lonely i am. how much i miss monica. i miss her everyday. every damn day. every fucking day of my life i think about how much i wish she could be a fixture in my life. but she isnt. mom and dad are not allowing it. i only get to see her when mary is going over there. if it werent for mary..i'd never see her. it breaks my heart. i love her so much. i wish i could be in her life but i can't. fuck it.

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:: 2006 21 September :: 8.30pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - Middle of the Road

Avast, yeh scurvy scuggs!
Once again another huge break between entries. It's been quite some time, old journal. And how might you be this evening? Fine? Glad to hear it. Please forgive me for my temporary neglect.

And now for - you guessed it!
Recent goings-on:

-The start if junior year of course. What is it like, ask you? Why, it is just like what everyone preceding me has said about it. It sucks. Do you know what it is like to have that nice feeling of being awake? Where someone can ask, "so who is tired," and you can feel pride in not raising your hand? I don't really know how that feels. I'm sure that most juniors in my class also have forgotten that feeling. I seemed to notice this decline of awakeness in the second semester of freshman year, and it has plummeted downhill from there.
Two religion classes in the same semester kind of sucks as well. Okay, it kind of sucks a lot. though luckily I have gotten a bit more used to my (insert shudder here) Women, Spirituality, and Creativity class, which is nice considering I couldn't stand it a weeks ago.
AP US History isn't too terrible, which is nice. I just think I take to Mr. Floyd a lot better than Ms. Burson, so that is a relief. It's nice not completely dreading that class every day.

-School play has started. It's called Red Scare on Sunset and takes place in the 50s. So far it seems like it is going to be pretty fun to do, and I hope that the people watching it will like it too. I know that it is an improvement upon our last Fall play at least, but that isn't saying much. The storyline for that one was very interesting, it just was not over all entertaining, and it was not very well prepared either. But this one had an early start, so chyaa. I play a guy named Frank, who is an alcoholic and semi-communist. Should be fun, though sometimes it is frustrating because i don't feel like I'm doing a very good job on it.

- My stomach has been kind of bothering me. At first I thought I was just overeating all the time for the past few days, but I'm beginning to think I'm bloating up or something like that, because it's not like I eat a huge amount of food during meals. Just thought i would write that down because I'm freakish.

- I was bullied into joining the Amnesty International Club today. Kind of ironic, hm? The whole human rights thing and then they guilt you into joining. It isn't like you can say, "Well, uh... you see, I... I'm just not into human rights. Screw children in India," because 1) That is a terrible thing to say (mostly the latter sentence). 2) It isn't really true. I happen to love children in India... and human rights are nice too.
I mean, you can't easily tell someone that you have better things to do than strive for human rights. Oh well. I'll give it a shot. And it's my friend who "bullied" me into it, so hopefully it won't be too terrible (then again it would make it more difficult not to show up, being that she is the president...)

My train of thought has been completely lost, and Mom is taking forever out of the house, so I can't discuss Renaissance Faire plans or watch any Grey's Antomy before ten o'clock because I have to wait until she gets home.
I'm getting frustrated with this Renaissance faire stuff. None of it seems to be working out, and I had been looking forward to going all this week. Next week I'm going to Oregon for the Shakespeare festival, so that limits the other number of weekends left until the Faire ends.

I sigh in exasperation.

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:: 2006 17 September :: 8.45pm

I went to a birthday party for Rachel yesterday. It was in Santa Cruz. We spent the night. Simone was there. I hate Simone. She makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward and its so hard to be nice to her. I feel like she intentionally does stuff that she knows will piss me off. An example was when she rigged the twister game. If it was anyone else I wouldnt have cared but she was purposely out to get me. Fuck it. She pretends to like me, and me her but there is something between us that we both know exists and it makes being around each other very difficult. Arg. I really wish I could get along with her but some people are just not meant to be friends no matter how hard they try.

Another thing that kinda sucked was hilary. I like her by herself and with certain people but in large groups she sucks. She takes charge and commands attention like no other. She was wearing her bakini at the beach and her body just isnt meant for one but she kept drawing attention to herself saying stuff like "rub sunscreen on my back" blah blah blah. Its gross. Shes trying so hard to look appealing to dudes and half the stuff she does makes her seem repulsive. I wish I could tell her but I could never be that cruel. Shes so conceited too. It drives me crazy. She just always says "I looked so hot. I have good teeth. The dress looked amazing on me". I feel like saying "no, hilary, it didnt. you're chubby and its gross when you try to wear dresses liek that cause they just make it worse." or 'your hair is a fugly mess. nothing you do tames it." damn dude..I'm so mean. But i just gotta get it out of my system.

Hanging around those people just makes me so grateful for my other friends. I feel uncomfortable around them. If you dont do things just as they do then they're not that nice. God dude..I know i'm a little odd but not that much. I'm so scared that they're just gonna fucking make fun of me so bad when I'm not around. I truly just can't stand Simone mostly. The influence she has on everyone is just amazing. They just drop at her fucking feet like shes the fucking buddha reincarnate or somethin.g I dont get it. Shes rude, bitchy, selfish, whiny, and if things dont go the way she wants them to then the world ends. My goodness. I wish I had energy so I could punch the shit out of my bag right now. I'm gonna do that soon though. Its time. Its been almost 2 months since I've done it.

I'm so emo right now. I'm gonna go cry and listen to some depressing music for a while.

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:: 6 13 August :: 10.47pm

uhh so basically, vacation is shit. louise went but jessica wasnt able to. it would have been a lot of fun with her and we missed her greatly. but she missed out on a really huge fight which was probably nice. fuck it. i was doing so well. not thinking about my problems and whatever ad now it just fucking sucks and i'm back to it again. i'm gonna call my counselor tomorrow and make an appointment. i dont care if i have to pay for it myself.

this summer sucked ass. i had to work the whole the time but i guess its worth it cause i'll be able to go to england. i just got one fucking week off and it was a shit week off. filled with anger. i have a problem though which is that i tend to dwell on the negative things in life. it probably wasnt all that bad but i just thought it was cause i dont look for the highlights. i need to work on that. fuck it. everyone i talk to tells me that in my family its going to get worse for me before it gets better. i'm not so excited about that. what does that mean. how can it get worse?? i'm gonna punch the shit out of my bag tomorrow cause its too late tonight. fuck it if my knuckles look like shit after that. sometimes in a sick way it feels good to hurt my knuckles. its like proof that things suck. like if my knuckles hurt, i have the right to be sad cause theres pain there and its real and concrete. i'm sick.

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:: 2006 2 August :: 11.29pm
:: Mood: ill
:: Music: AFI

I completely forgot about Woohu until Alex mentioned it a minute ago. Holy shit it has been a while. I feel very ill and tired, but I can not sleep. It is a sort of too-tired-to-sleep sort of thing.

I <3333 AFI. They are amazing.

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:: 2006 22 July :: 2.09pm

mary is moving out today and i'm really sad. i'm gonna be so bored and loney all the time. well not all the time. i'll just miss it during the school year when i know shes in her room working on stuff and i'm in mine working on stuff and i get bored and i can't go into her room and bother her. and at night if something is bothering me i won't be able to just go in her room and talk to her about it. or get hugs when i need them. i dont get along with my parents. at night, i can't talk to them cause they're always drinking. i wish i could spend time with them but it just doesnt happen. mary was my way of getting around them. i love her a lot and now shes gone. i have no idea how much i'll see her and that really scares me. what if its like monica who came home, moved her stuff out, and hasnt been back since. well shes been back but it was awkward and strange. shes no longer a real part of this family. this fucked up family. what if mary starts to feel that way too. then i'll never see her. i get my lisence in november..thats so long from now. actually, it really isnt but it seems like an eternity to me because i have no way of getting out this house without the assistance of someone else. i could ride my bike to her house and i'll probably end up doing that a lot. but san jose is so vast. i can't get to monica that easily cause she lives like 15 minutes away driving and even longer if i ride a bike. arg.

this whole nick thing sucks as well. nothing is gonna happen and i'm not taking it well. i just need to accept it. thats my biggest problem..i keep thinking that there is a chance when there isnt. i guess its cause this might be my only opportunity during high school. co ed school would have been a lot more convenient in that respect. but i like my school. god darn it. mary's new roommate has a brother my age..maybe that could work..i'm not expecting antyhing though cause i'll be disappointed if i do. fuck it. i'm feeling really depressed again and i'm not sure why. god damn it.

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:: 2006 8 June :: 6.48pm

my sister is a dumbass. she fucking talks about sex all the time and then gets upset when my parents arent okay with it. does she think they're gonna be pleased?? 'yeah maureen..go ahead! have sex in our house". no..shes so fucked up. seriously. then she says this: maybe the reason why you dont' like me talking about is cuz you think your better than me...and your competing little self hates that i am older.

and blocks me after that . fuck it. i dont care that shes older! i'm perfectly fucking content being the last one besides that they've all almost moved out so i'm alone a lot. but thats alright i guess. shes such a dumbass. she always wants people to be jealous of her and when they aren't it pisses her off. i'm not jealous of her and her hideous boyfriend. i dont need a fucking boyfriend right now anyway. god damn her. i'm done

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