*-|If there ever comes a day, When we can't be together, Keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.|-*
*-|If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus one day, so I never have to live without you.|-*
*-|We will be friends until forever, just you wait and see.|-*
- Winnie the Pooh
Goals are very important to have in one's life. Goals centralize the mind on reaching a destination that is wanted. All hopes and dreams are driven by the desire to accomplish them, so one could argue that life is an ambition -- a dream -- a hope -- some sort of strange goal -- and that life only goes on because of the wanting to go somewhere -- and anywhere. This could also mean that birth symbolizes the creation of a dream and that death symbolizes the completion and accomplishment of life. If life is a dream, then all we aspire in will come true if we believe enough.


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:: 2006 7 June :: 1.47am
:: Music: He Mele No Lilo - Lilo & stitch

So, yeah, summer is not the most eventful thing ever, but I love it in some strange way. I've actually been quite accomplished in the time I have had of summer so far, so I don't feel like I'm completely useless. However there is the problem of yummy food in the house - that's always a dilemma in itself.

I watched Lilo and Stitch last night. I watched it again today. Now I'm listening to the music, and I want to watch it again, but it is too late and I have to be energized to bother my sister's friends tomorrow. Marilyn, I shall say hi to the McPeakster for you.

Right now Denise has her friend Melissa over. Denise treats me like I'm stupid because she is over. It doesn't make me feel very good. I know I did that to her when I was younger and had friends over though, so I guess I can't complain, but I do feel really dumb. At least with the guys that come over they are either stupid enough to think I am funny or I know them well enough to bug the hell out of them. I don't know Melissa that well. Oh well. Two sentences just ended in "well"

Eric Zheng is determined not to sleep a third of his life away like other humans, so he is still online. He was online at four last night. I can understand the whole not wasting your life thing, but spending the not-wasted time burning your eyes out in front of the computer screen ..... am I missing some sort of profound logic here? Not like I'm much better, really, but he seems to spend more time online than even me. I'm kind of sleepy, but I don't feel like sleeping.

So far I have seen two ants on my desk. I want to know how they got there so I can trace them back to the mothership and scold them harshly for their wrongdoing.

I just realized I have a Stitch bobble head doll on my desk.

Myspace is silly. Silly myspace. It's fine for keeping in touch with friends and stalking people, and if you really want to you can look like you know a lot of people that you don't, but it isn't good for much else. There is something about it that I despise and yet I still have one. I'm half sickened. The other half of me doesn't care. But I guess for those that don't have online journals, it is a good way to talk to people. why am I talking about Myspace? Shouldn't there be some sort of law against that on online journal communities?

You know something I don't know how to do on here? Make cuts. Like lj cuts, only for ... woohu.

Listening to Lilo and Stitch Hawaiian-ness makes me really want to go there.

I think the Discovery Channel is out to make me completely paranoid. It's always talking about volcanoes reloading and tidal waves killing people and huge earthquakes or asteroids that are going to come and crash into the Earth and kill everyone and everything in it - if not the whole world, then at least a good portion of it. I think Northern Europe is probably one of the safest places to live if one wants to avoid natural disasters. Maybe I will move there.... but I don't really want to. I mean, I want to go there, but I don't really think I want to actually live there. Not just yet anyway.

I'ver listened to this song 103 times. .. I mean, incase anyone happened to be thinking to themselves, "He Mele No Lilo ... I wonder how many times she has listened to that song...
I have just answered your deep and wonderous ponderings.

I kind of miss guys. I would like some guy friends. I would also like to live a long healthy life and raise a wonderful family and work for Disney while traveling all over the world and falling in love with a very handsome, sweet dude and marrying him (these are not in order), but I don't know if I'll get all of those.

I don't think we are going to the Grand Prix this year. And if we are, I don't know if we are going with my uncle and cousin, which means I don't know if that one guy will be coming, which means I will have to wait until probably January to see him, unless my aunt's birthday is before then. That's rather depressing. That and the fact that i don't know the guy's last name nor anything else about him besides he's nice to everyone around my family and puts up with a lot of crap that my aunt and cousin put him through.

Funny how things work that way, huh?

Hum dee dum
106 times now. I kind of want to do something creative, and yet I do not know what. Oh, the ponderings of life!

Mom's home.

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:: 2006 14 May :: 8.42pm

i'm gonna keep it simple cause i'm pretty stupid.

hes hotttttttt but we have to be frieeeendss which sucks!!!! oh well. i'll get over it.

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:: 2006 10 May :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Defying Gravity - Wicked

Yay! AFI!
If you do not know who they are, you should totally find out quick. Buy their new album, coming out 6/6/06! Possible the most anticipated album this year!

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:: 2006 11 April :: 7.04pm

wow. 2 days in a row. i'm gonna write on paper but i need to finish my research paper therefore i'm not leaving the computer right now so i'll write in here again..

call me a whiner. fine. it sucks. my mom cancelled my counseling appointment again because i'm "sick" fuck that. i'm so mad. i really love going. its the only time that someone helps me. only me. selfish, yes. but i really love it. she helps me. i'm so sad right now and i really need to talk about some issues i'm having. i have to wait another week. goddamnit. my mom does this all the time. she has cancelled on me like 7 times and i only go every other week. why?! i want to go. i'm so sad right now. i need a hug. i need some serious time for me. time with people i love. i'm doing that thing where i cry almost every day. i havent done that in a couple months. fuck it.

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:: 2006 10 April :: 7.35pm

I'm sad.
This weekend I was sick. I was stuck inside for 5 straight days. Mary went to Vegas and Maureen and Michelle were both at school. I never see Monica so she is out of the picture. I was home all by myself with mom and dad. It was so incredibly lonely and boring. It made me realize just how important my fucked up family is to me. i love them so much. Just sitting on the couch alone made me realize that if they were there at that moment I'd have someone to sit with and talk to when I couldnt move. Thats what family is about. I love them. Michelle was the only one tehre for me. She called me a lot and I talked to her for a couple of hours. That was so nice. I was so incredibly thankful.. I love my sisters. Mary is going to move out this summer and I'm dreading it. What will I do? Things are gonna be so boring at night. When I come home from school I like knowing I can talk to her when I need to. I feel like crying just thinking about. What if she doesnt visit very often? We hang out together..will we still do that once shes gone? I'm gonna have to find a lot of activities to get involved in to keep myself busy.. I'll miss her a lot. In my family it feels like if you move out then you stop beign a member of the family. Thats how it was with Monica. I dont want that again. I love my sisters.

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:: 2006 30 March :: 9.21pm

I hate it so much when my dad drinks. Maureen and I went to get to icecream a few minutes ago. We came back and Mary had returned from her spinning class. She wanted some icecream so i scraped some off for her. Everything was fine except that my dad felt like he needed to be involved. God damn him. he is always looking for reasons to get mad at me or punish me. So Mary wanted some more and I told her I'd scrape it off for her and that she couldn't dig in to it cause I'm very strict about how I like my icecream to be eaten. I know thats really stupid and I should get over it but still. So my dad takes my icecream and hands it to Mary just cause he thinks its funny. Hes been trying to provoke me all night and something as stuipd as this did it. So I got mad cause it looked like Mary was trying to gouge my icecream so I started yelling at her not to. And then i chucked a spoon at her.

This is completely my fault. i know it is. I'm sorry. My dad just wanted to make me angry and he did it. The second I chucked the spoon at her he started yelling all these punishments at me. Fuck that. he was just waiting and i bit at the bait and now he has done it.

I'm stupid.

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:: 2006 14 March :: 9.24pm

My sister sucks ass. Maureen. She is home from college. Shes such a bitch. She comes home from college an enlightened piece of shit. She thinks she knows everything now. Maureen is 5 billion times smarter than every other person on this earth because she has been at college for a whole 6 months! It pisses me off. I'm fatter than her just because shes only 5 ft. tall and she never stops reminding me. If I was 5 ft. tall I'd be skinnier! Excuse me for my genetics! I know I'm not as skinny as I used to be but she is just so bitchy. Everytime I come near her she has an attitude. She looks for reasons to make fun of me and shit. Today she had her dumbass ugly acne covered, braces still on teeth even though he is 23 boyfriend over. I walk in the door and 2 seconds in the house she says "So how was Jamie Bell's birthday?" I know she was just doing it so she could make a joke out of it and impress her boyfriend. So i said in reply "It was wonderful until I came home and saw you". I know that was really mean but I couldn't help myself. Whenever I'm near her my brain is flooded with really great insults and they keep leaking out.

I'm gonna finish watching Billy Elliot.

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:: 2006 5 March :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: psychologically sick
:: Music: none

School has gotten so stressful and dull that's it's to the point where I hate everything about it. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw something very sharp and pointy at a big fat block of wood shaped like homework or tests, or maybe just the school building so that I can get out my anger.

Right now these feelings aren't as strong, but sometimes - especially after a nice vacation or something - any simple reminder of school is nausiating, until even the people there you just don't want to see for a very long time, or at it feels this way when it comes to the people that are your friends, but not your close friends ... if that makes sense.

At this school, everything is too __________
-- Too competetive
-- Too academic
-- Too french
-- Too slash-obsessed
-- Too liberal
-- Too much estrogen
-- Too feminist
-- Too depressed
-- Too many smart(er) people

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against competition, academics, the French, slash and yaoi, liberals, women, feminists, depression, or smarter people. It's just that at this school it's an overload of things. I'm all for women's rights, but this school is way too much into it! So much that we have to do projects on women -- Hell, there are entire classes dedicated to women at our school. Frankly, it's making me sick of women. Well, maybe that's a bit harsh, but I'm just sick of people that whine about "Women don't get this, women don't get that. This was the first woman to enter a hot-dog eating contest against men!" Why don't we focus on what women do have now compared to back then and be grateful for it, or only focus on the women that did really important things. It's just like this thing with racism. Why do we have to make it special just because it was a woman who did it or an african or hispanic person that did it? Can't it just be amazing because of the fact that someone did it? That's all that matters in the end, isn't it? If we separate people like that, that in itself is racism.

I also don't really care about slash. Hell, everyone needs a healthy dose of it once in a while - if not seriously liking a pairing - which is fine - then at least for a joke! But my God. There are some things you just don't slash, and some of the people at my school are pushing it way too far, and they do it with everything. I used to like some slash pairings. If the stories are cute or good, I still like them, but you don't pick random people out of a story or movie that would never ever go near eachother even if they were gay, and decide "This is my new fandom! How about I give ominous looks to friends every time their names are mentioned in the same sentence so that we can have a little giggle? And then everytime the story or movie is slipped into a conversation I can shout out their names and then chuckle madly like it's adorable and funny that they are now all I talk or think about!" -.-

There are those also that are obsessed with the french. In all honesty, I have nothing whatsoever against the french. If anything, I tease about them, as many people do, but I think France is fine and dandy and cool and stuff and if someone paid for me and I had the time, I'd go there (possibly avoiding Paris, where all the American haters are supposedly located). Some at my wonderful school though talk about France nonstop, insist on speaking the language to you, and then anytime any joke or something is mentioned about france, they get all sensitive and pissy (unless they are the ones that made the joke) and look like they are about to clean out your orifices with a blunt lead spoon.

Liberals, fine. I am really all for people having their own opinion about things. Hate Bush? Happy for you, and I can sometimes understand why. But one thing I am not for, on any side of the political spectrum, is extremety, and the people at my school are extreme. "I have a great idea. Let's hang up posters and have a meeting about the terrible torturous things the American soldiers are doing to the Iraqi prisoners. Nevermind what some of their extremists have done to our reporters with the actual approval of their leaders, we want to focus on how evil America truly is without the consent of the actual leader of the nation!" You may think I am exagerrating, which I very well may be, but if I am, it is really not that far from the truth. I can understand if someone is mad about the stories of torturing Iraqi soldiers because it might just be sinking as low as some of the terrorists, but there are so many people at my school that hate our government and bitch about it all the time that I have no doubt part of the motivation for that meeting was to show how bad our country really is. The school also has an issue with morbid things. Half of the things posted or announced is to make you depressed.
Say, it's Valentine's Day? Great! We can put up happy heart-shaped posters in the breezeways that give people a cheerful fact, saying, "By the time you're done reading this poster ... three children have died!" Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I shit you not, that is what was actually on the posters during Valentine's day.
Over the announcements: "Today is the anniversary of the brutal murder of sister Dorothy, who worked in South America helping poor children. She was shot six times in the chest only to fall to the ground and lay in a pool of her own blood. While she suffocated and drowned in her own bodily fluids, her attackers chopped her up into little pieces and fed her to the exotic birds of the amazon, who then most likely pooped her out on some plants to make the trees grow wild and beautiful, a memory of her love today." (Yes, that one was exagerrated)

Last but not least, all the smart Asians. I love Asians. I really really do. But damn them for being so smart. And it's not just them. There are so many people at my school who have 4.5s and such. I'm not a bad student. I'm actually pretty smart, but the problem is that I've gotten used to that, and now I feel so insignificant to all these other people with higher GPA and that still don't get as stressed out as I do about things. I don't understand how they do it, and it's so frustrating and dismaying that I can't do it, if that makes sense. I like being able to try at something and then work on it and finally be able to do it, but sometimes I just get so discouraged when I feel like I've tried and I've tried and I still can't.
Is it possible to spoil yourself with grades? That's what it feels like. In my old school I was used to getting good grades, and now that they aren't as good as they used to be, I feel like it's not good enough. That's what I think I am, really. A spoiled brat. I am spoiled when it comes to a lot of things (and I am also very grateful for many of those things) , but I don't like being the brat part, and hope I'm not (or if I have to be, I hope I am not the "brat" part of it too often). But I really am happy that I at least get the grades I do, I just sometimes wish I could have the capability to do both the extracurricular stuff, the homework, and get a decent amount of sleep (ah yes, and a social life would be kind of fun too).

Then again, there's always easter vacation.

Feeling pleasantly pessimistic,

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:: 2006 28 February :: 8.31pm
:: Music: angry shit

My dad sucks. I dont think he likes me. Sure, he loves me. But I dont think he likes me. He got pissed at me tonight for eating chicken the wrong way. Its not like i'm in a fucking 5-star restaraunt and the chicken I'm eating costs $50. THen he got pissed cause I had a song in my head and I started humming it. Sounds stupid really. His excuse? He had a bad reaction to the drugs the dentist gave him today. Well why the fuck is he taking it out on me?! Fuck that. Hes a fucked up dumbass. My sister asked him when the last time he said anything nice to was when she thought I wasnt listening. I was listening. He paused for a few seconds and said "...she makes a good sauce" and that was it. Thats all! Aren't dad's supposed to tell you that they're proud of you and shit? He doesnt do any of that. I get a B he says "that should be an A" I've never had straight A's or even close to that. He fucking knows that I'm not an "A" student and I'm not just gonna magically become one! mother fucker. I am not okay with what hes doing to me right now. Whatever I do is never good enough. I took WHAP cause I thought he'd be proud of me and he was. He was proud of me until I started getting a C in it. THen he was mad. THe only fucking reason I took it was cause of him! mother fucker. He doesnt get it. He doesnt get it that I want him to like me and he refuses. In the car when he picks me up from school its dead silence unless i bring up 1 of 2 things- classic rock or baseball. this sucks. I guess I should be thankful my dad is there cause not everyone has a dad but still. Its like hes there but hes not there (that'd be in italics if i knew how to do them). FUck it. what can i do. nothing i do is ever good enough. fuck it.

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:: 2006 26 January :: 8.29pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: When I'm 64 - Beatles

Woohu is goodness. It makes me happy.

Ah, so much to do, so little time.

Started drivers ed, finally, after already being sixteen and all. Yes, that's right, finally I got off my "arse" and signed up for the online classes. Slowly but surely I'm on my way to the doomed goal of driving. Yep, watch out world, here I come.

Have math first tomorrow. I say icky. But usually it isn't so bad because the teacher doesn't really demand the proper attention anyway, so it's no big deal. So far since we started second semester the homework situation hasn't been too bad. I hope it stays that way.

I've lost track of the number of books I'm supposed to be reading right now.

Peter Pan
Capt. Hook: Adventures of a Notorious youth
Brave New World
Gwenevere, Queen of the Summer Country(or summer Lands or something)
A couple others that I've forgotten. Basically the unfinished books. Don't you hate it when that happens? I know I've at least gotten 3 unfinished King Arthur books.
I've got to get my priorities sorted out.

I've been thinking of looking at some screen plays. Does anyone know if libraries carry screen plays? Haven't been to my library in a long time, so I wonder indeed I do.

Gotta go watch the second half of Disco Pigs again.

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:: 2006 9 January :: 7.05pm

my fucking family wears down on me and right now it sucks. Finals are next week and they are gonna be so terrible because my grades are all shitty. I'm actually not doing as bad I originally thought but they still suck. I have to pass the WHAP final or else I have to do like 2 weeks of summer school to make up for a half a semester which is fucking stupid and a waste of time and money.

Michelle is gone which is good news. My parents are still drinking their normal shitloads and getting drunk and beligerent every night which fucks with my head. Sometimes I forget about it or I ignore it for a while and then there are times like these. It hasn't happened for like 3 months now but its hit me with a vegeance (sp). Last night I started thinking too much about my fucked up family and now I just feel like crying curling up into a little ball for a few weeks. My sadness and frustration with the current state of my family is coming out as angry lashes to anyone that says anything remotely angering or whatever. My mom told me to make the salad tonight and I fucking yelled so much. I know I shouldn't and I don't want to but it just comes out. Something sorta forces it out of me . Now that sounds like a shitty excuse to make my behavior justifiable but I'm serious. I just can't fucking figure out why I'm so damn sad...

Monica...my sister....she makes me saddest of all. I was writing about her in my paper journal last night.

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:: 2006 2 January :: 6.42pm

Everything is here.


All the answers you need

Just keep asking


:: 2005 28 December :: 11.33pm
:: Music: For Once in My Life - Michael Buble

"Topping swank, King Jas"
I don't particularly like posting journal entries in my other thingy at this moment, because it's too common for such a vacation. It's the type of thing I check on every day to make sure I look at my friends list and make sure they receive some comments and crap rather than actually updating, really, but even still I check on it every day of the school year (or near every day at least). Doing that reminds me too much of that dreaded and oh-so-long period of time that is called "school", which is perhaps why i have been avoiding it for a week and a half. Actually, i've been avoiding most internet contact since getting out of school. Anything that reminds me of the place I shove far away. It ruins the holiday feeling.
Not that the holiday spirit isnt almost destroyed already. Slowly I can feel the dread and stressed depression seeping into me as the Return to Hell slowly inches closer. Oh, what a horrible fate! I sigh in displeasure, that I do. Not to mention that tomorrow my dearest mother declares that I must begin my homework. Nor does it help at the moment that I have just discovered I am sitting on a damp seat. I should know by know not to sit here with a wet swimsuit, or wet clothing of any kind for that matter. No, no.
In trying to keep with that holiday good-ness, I have decided that since I have been neglecting this most wonderful and much-more-important-to-me journal of mine it would be a relief rather than a terrible reminder of doom to update and look at this journal instead. Much simpler. Much happier. Honestly, there are too many people at the other place that are from school that it hurts me to hear them ramble about things because of the reminding-ness. I like this much better. Reminds me of the good ol' days indeed.

As far as holiday goings-on, I am now officially sixteen years old, and yes, indeed ... still without any driving experience. No license, no permit, no driving school. But I'm content enough for now.
Went to Disneyland and as usual it was wonderful. The new fireworks almost made me cry. Don't laugh. They were beautiful. I miss it already.
Christmas was fantastical. Got a lot of books I've been wanting, as well as three Disney DVDs, a new sweatshirt, money, a new cell phone (-click click- it takes pictures!) and lots of other nice smaller stuff!

Today my mom, sister, and I went to see my mom's friend and her son, Bryce. Twas really awkward, but we ate bagels, which were good.
After that we grabbed some hot dogs and headed over to Mema's, for - yes indeed - we were off to see a movie. "What movie?" you ask? I shall tell you! 'Memoirs of a Geisha'. It was a really cool movie. Lots of prettyness and a good story. The main lady and the evil lady were all pretty and stuff. Yes yes indeed twas good. I had hoped to read the book before going to see it, but it looks like it's going to be the other way around. Mom has a bad cough or something though, so she kept erupting in coughing fits and had to leave the theater a couple times to go to the bathroom because she was feeling so bad. That kind of ruined the experience for her. I hope she doesn't have anything bad.

Imagination is a great thing, isn't it? I love it because even though the evil-ness is steadily approaching once again (S - C - H - O - O - L...) the imagination provides a rather nice distraction from things, at least temporarily. Speaking of imagination, methinks I should go read some more of the books I got for Christmas. Maybe it will make me calmer for a bit. It's a pity I'm getting stressed out about finals already. I can understand now why some people don't like them to be after Christmas vacation, even though they are at the end of January for us.

Icky indeed.

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:: 2005 14 December :: 7.15pm

I love my sister but she fucking drives me crazy.

she is so stupid and yells at me and says i have an attittude..which i do. but i dont fucking want her to tell me.

she can fucking pick out a tree by herself. i dont wanna help her. even though we pick out good trees. let her get a shitty one fuck it.

i am angry..
things suck right now

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:: 2005 30 November :: 7.11pm

WHAP sucks so bad. I'm trying to do it right now but it sucks so i feel like writing about it and how much i hate it. I got a fucking D in it and nothing makes sense and she gives us shitloads and shitloads of work. I never have a free moment at night anymore cause of this fucking homework. It says "inconsistent effort" on my progress report. Inconsistent effort?? I study dude. I do most of my homework and i try but I get so frustrated. I get so so so frustrated cause there is so much damn information and i dont think that it is fucking possible to memorize all this shit and then make fucking connections. If i cant keep the information straight in my head how the hell do i connect it to other things???! I dont cause it sucks. I cant describe my horrible, deep pain that I get when i sit down to do my fucking whap homework. does she even care that we have other fucking homework??? no no no!!!!!!!!! if she did she'd cut the amount in half. i dont like doing 4 hours of homework for 1 class per night. its ridculous and even when i do the work i still dont get it. whats the fucking point?? there isnt one. i am failing it and i dont know how to fix it cause it keeps getting harder and harder and i'm sinking into a hole and there is not a way to climb out of it. fuck it

school sucks ass. i wanna go bury myself.

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