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im slipping away...

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:: 2005 14 March :: 7.33 pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: We Have Forgotten - Sixpence None The Richer

it's creepy and it works
Take this quiz

try to catch me

:: 2005 27 February :: 1.55 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: All The Things She Said - T.A.T.U.

i can try to pretend i can try to forget....
i've been meaning to update..sorry.
i absolutly love this song.
i know i spelled that wrong.
im really tired..
i was going to go to bed after i got off the phone with justin last night (2 hours, 17 minutes, 2 seconds), but i couldn't sleep.
so stayed up until about 2 reading.
still didn't manage to finish my book (im re-reading OotP..err, the 5th Harry Potter book, for those of my friends who aren't 'potterheads').
i slept in until nearly noon today.
by then my parents had gone to the store and back.
i had really weird dreams last night.
mum bought glue, so i think i might use some of it for my project..
dont really feel like explaining it.
speaking of projects i need to do my final copy of my postcard for world culutures.
i dont see why we cant turn it in on tuesday when we actually have class.
oh well.
i have other homework to do, but i dont really feel like finishing it.
i hope my parents forget about PTC.
so far they haven't gone..just one more day.
im bored.
i think i'll go.

try to catch me

:: 2005 6 February :: 3.51 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: random songs running through my head at warp speed

god must hate me...
The Flaws of Christianity

The Christian God - A Flawed Construct

Noun: god - The supernatural being conceived as the perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator and ruler of the universe; the object of worship in monotheistic religions.

First of all, if God is perfect, why did he need angels? Angels were "helpers"; a perfect God would not need helpers. Some say that God was just lonely, if God was lonely that would mean he lacked companionship, a perfect God lacks nothing.


Why, according to the bible, God created the earth, plants, and daytime before he created the sun? There cannot be daylight without the sun. Plants cannot live without the sun (Photosynthesis). More proof that primitive man created Christianity, with no knowledge of photosynthesis and such...


According to the Bible, God punishes Jesus (who was innocent) for the mistakes of humans (who God made limited and expected them to be near perfect). How was killing Jesus a solution? God could have chosen out of many solutions for humanity's mistakes, but he chose violence. God nailed Jesus to a crucifix, cut him open, and had him remain in a tortured state until a merciful death.


God uses negative reinforcement (Hell) as part of his strategy. Why? There are only two reasons for which negative reinforcement is ever used. Either the issuer lacks control, or he is cruel by nature. First of all, a "God" cannot lack control, or he wouldn't be a God. Why didn't God make a Hell for rehabilitation or enlightment. instead of making it a place to torture sinners for eternity? In conclusion, God is cruel by nature.

Conclusion of God

As you can see, God is much like a dictator. He will only tolerate his way and destroy all other choices. Christians say that God is merciful, the bible says otherwise. According to the bible, God is a baby killing, animal sacrificing, world flooding, human testing, plague sending, first born killing, sexist, genocidal, jealous, and short tempered god, who tortured and killed his own son to appease his anger.

God: an externalization of man's ego

As you should know, all Gods are inventions of humanity. This is because man has an ego, and has a hard time accepting it. This is why he externalizes it into an all-powerful device; "God".

Think about it, God can do all the things man is forbidden to do (Kill people, make miracles, be all-controlling). Man externalizes his true self, and then fears it. Why do this? By worshipping this "God", you are worshipping what represents your true self, so why not have yourself be the God?

Christian Sins

The 7 Christian sins are: greed, pride, envy, anger, gluttony, lust, and sloth. (Satanists indulge in each of these so-called "sins" because they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification.)

What's wrong with greed and envy? These are feelings that motivate ambition. Without ambition would much get accomplished? Do you want more than you have? See you in Hell.

Gluttony is the "act" of eating more than you need to keep yourself alive. You're obese? See you in Hell.

Ah, pride. Pride is a feeling of satisfaction of your own achievements, or having self-respect. Wearing clothing for any other reason other than covering your body or protecting it from the cold is a sense of pride. Hm, *Looks around*. Lots of people going to Hell.

Sloth is to be lazy. Not wanting to get up in the morning right away is, by definition; to be guilty of sloth. Ever hit snooze on the alarm clock? See you in Hell.

Next is Lust. Do you ever have sexual urges, or have sex with someone often? See you in Hell.

Now to the last of the sins. Anger. Isn't anger self-preservation? When you are in harm, you get angry in order to protect yourself from danger. Do you indulge in anger to protect yourself? See you in Hell.

In conclusion, since all humans are sinners, and all sinners are doomed for eternity in Hell, you'll meet all of your friends there, and heaven must be empty


The first/original meaning of "Satan" was "opposition" or "challenge" before it was put in the bible. "Satan" is the Church's best friend. Without someone to point their fingers at, the Christian Church would lose all of it's followers; The Church uses Satan to threaten their followers, "Satan is vicious, cruel, brutal," "If you deny the church you will most certainly burn in Hell." This is also known as scare tactics. Similar to how some marketers sell products.

"Satan" represents opposition to all white light religions, religions that punish humanity for our natural instincts. That is why he is given the evil role; he represents the carnal or mundane aspects of life.

If you hadn't noticed, the devils of religions have always had animal characteristics (Horns, goats, etc). This just goes to show man's need to deny that he is an animal, for to so would be a huge blow to his impoverished ego.

Stop denying yourself the pleasures of Life, Live your life, recognize that you too are an animal, Deny the Christian lie!

Cruelty in The Bible

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee." (Genesis 3:16)

"For every one that curseth his father or mother shall be surely put to death." (Leviticus 20:9)

"And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him." (Genesis 38:7)

"For I will pass through the land of Egypt this night, and will smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast." (Exodus 12:12)

"Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth." (Psalms 58:6)

"Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak .... If they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home" (1 Cor.14:34-35)

"I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children." (Leviticus 26:22)

"Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." (Hosea 13:16)

that's not mine, and i didn't write it.
the author can be found here
i dont care wheither you agree or not.
i do.

4 reached for me | try to catch me

:: 2005 30 January :: 9.25 am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Unaffected - Hoobastank

i search for witty things to say...
weekend hasn't been bad.
friday was kind of boring..didn't do too much.
yesterday we went shopping.
got a bunch of new stuff.
also bought a CD online...Take Action! Vol. 4
you should go buy it too, it's only $3.99, and it helps to raise funds for suicide-prevention by the National Hopeline Network.
you can go here to buy it.
atleast check it out.
ive been doing a lot of stuff on GJ this weekend.
ive joined a bunch of graphics communities and stuff.
i really do like GJ...
that and xanga is currently down for "maintenance".
but it should be back up in..........about 2 1/2 hours.
ive also joined
you can see my "page" here
not much else to say.
have i mentioned that antishift is back up?
if not here's ANOTHER link
im out now.

1 reached for me | try to catch me

:: 2005 24 January :: 7.34 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Things I'll Never Say - Avril Lavigne

im searching for the words inside my head....
a lot has happened since i last updated.
early out happened.
::blushes and giggles::
and then i went over to justin's again the next day (after early out).
emma and zach's break lasted about a day and a half (at the most).
they're back together, and she's back to being moody and depressed and thinking she's fat and ugly and....UGH
it makes me mad that she's like this.
cant she see how happy she is when he's not around?
i know it's horrible, but she was so incredibly happy when they were apart, and now....
i went over to justin's yesterday.
it was so much fun.
spent about 4 1/2 hours there.
we had fun with abbie...and eachother.
this whole "missing the bus" thing has definatly become a once a week thing.
not that i mind.
neither of us do.
we're saving this week's "missed bus" for later.
mostly because he had shtuff to do today, and my parents would be suspicious if i was over there again so soon.
ive stopped saying that i "missed the bus" to Them.
now i just say "i'm going to justins. will you pick me up after work?"
and what can they say?
"no holly, you cant go there. we wont pick you up!"
fine with me.
im still hungry, so im going to go downstairs and snag some more food.
yes...ive rather given up the whole starvation thing.
so, im out.
-holly rose-

try to catch me

:: 2005 13 January :: 4.42 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: random songs running through my head at warp speed

ketchup, err...catch-up
i haven't written in here for awhile.
which is sad, because this is my favorite journal.
but everyone is at xanga and i just dont get much chance to write in this one.
actually, i do, but im too lazy.
managing 4 xangas is usually tiring enough.
but dont worry, i shalln't abandon this one.
i shall never abandon woohu.
okay, actually never is a REEAAAALLLLY long time, so i wont say that.
or is never a really short time?
i think that forever is the reaaaallly long time, and never is just...not at all?
confusing thoughts from my confusing mind.
but yeah..not much has happened lately.
i went over to justin's (again) on tuesday.
this isn't becoming a once a week thing...
joey thought i was going there again today, cos im at the library.
he doesn't listen very well.
emma broke up with zach.
no wait..they're taking a break
so she's been hanging out with us.
which is nice.
i love seeing her so happy...not that zach was making her sad, it's just that she's seemed happy-ish lately.
i dont really know what else to say.
my parents will be here soon, and then i'll have to go home and eat some fucking dinner.
which sucks.
i ate a bit at lunch today.
a couple pickle slices, and a few carrots.
not bad i guess..but more than i was wanting to eat today.
::sigh:: out for now.
-holly rose-

try to catch me

:: 2005 5 January :: 9.27 am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Take It Away - The Used

i went to justin's yesterday..that was fun.
cos i........missed the bus?
we weren't staring at the buses, discussing wheither i should "miss the bus" or not.
so that was fun.
and today is a snow day.
which is pretty cool i guess.
even though it means i have to spend the whole freaking day with Them.
but i'll survive...

try to catch me

:: 2005 3 January :: 9.18 am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Outside - Staind

I'm A Fake
small, simple, safe price; rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. this is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. and i am not afraid to die. im not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight, i want the pain of payment. what's left but a section of pigmy sized cuts, much like the slew of a thousand unwanted fucks. would you be my little cut, would you be my thousand fucks? and make mark, leaving space for the guilt to be liquid. to fill and spill over and under my thoughts. my sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter; im cutting, tyrying to picture your black, broken heart.

2 reached for me | try to catch me

:: 2004 22 December :: 7.58 am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Fountain Imperfection - Anadivine

try to take the best of me...
things haven't been too bad lately.
finals are kind of fun..we get out super early.
today we get out at 11.
and i dont have to go in until 9:30.
mum and dad left for's coming to pick me up around 9.
it feels nice to be home alone.
this is probably the last time i'll be home alone until NEXT YEAR.
mum and dad are taking tomorrow off, and obviously the 24th and 25th.
i leave the 26th until the 29th.
when i get home i have just a little while to get laundered, showered, packed and then leave again on the 30th.
we get back the 2nd..
yeah, for once im going somewhere over break.
i cant wait.
4 days until i leave!!!!
today should be fun too.
i have my science final...everybody that's taken it has said it's no as hard as mr. glenn told us it would be.
im not too worried.
finals have been going pretty well so far....
English: A- (final grade A-)
Spanish: B- (Final grade B...i think)
ELP: A+ (Final grade A+)
Chorus: Actually A, i'd guess
Algebra: uhh..D ::sheepish look:: (Final grade B-)
World Cultures: A- (Fina grade B)
Publications: B+ (Final grade B)
Science: idk.. ::sigh::

i'll post the last three later today.

try to catch me

:: 2004 20 December :: 11.47 am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Unwell - MB20

you dont know why you do it.
you've been turning it over in your mind, and you cant come up with a reason.
maybe you do it to feel strong.
every other part of you is weak, but you can still stick those two fingers down you throat.
you almost live for those'll probably end up dying by them.
you dont really care about death now.
your life is food; binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, purge.
sometimes you dont even know you're doing it.
it's like your mind blacks out and then suddenly you're staring at an empty plate, or kneeling over a toliet.
sometimes you hate yourself.
you truly belive you are the fattest, ugliest, person to walk the earth.
you dont deserve food!
yet there are other times when you know what you're doing is bad.
you realise that you're killing yourself, but somehow it's unimportant.
you know all the statisics.
odds are, you'll never be over this
who cares?
as long as you've got all the food in the world, and two fingers.

try to catch me

:: 2004 18 December :: 11.00 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: With You - Linkin Park

old fashioned poetry
(sorry for the general sucky-ness of these poems. they're from 6th and 7th grade, when i was still learning how to write poetry. but i dont want to lose them, so they're going in here. you dont have to read them. i know they're horrible.)
Where are you?
Why aren't you here?
I miss you,
cry for you every night.
When I wish upon a star,
I wish for you.
I wish you were here;
wish i could hold you,
wish you could hold me.
Where are you?

Look at me
Tell me who you are
Why are you here?
Where have they taken her?
I will fight if I must
But please, spare me
Just give her back!

Give me a wish.
Just one is all I ask.
Please, it's only fair.
I've never had a wish.
Do not deny me of my chance.
With or without rights, I deserve it.
I deserve a better tomorrow.
So please, give me my one wish...

Look to me.
Tell me of tomorrow.
Let me reach beyond today.
Give me a chance,
just once is all I ask.
Or be the one remembered yesterday.

*Weep Again*
Will you remember me,
or will today be forgotten?
Like all the promises you made...
Like everything that meant something,
meant something to me.
So, will you remember me,
or must I weep again?

*Miss You*
She grins,
her childlike smile mocks me.
It reminds me of what I had,
before she left..
I miss you.
Can't you come back?

Who are you?
Where did you come from?
Why are you here?
When will you leave?
Who are you?

*Grey Eyes*
The rain comes down
Thunder rolls
Rain beats the windows
Grey Eyes smiles

*She Laughs*
She laughs,
her eyes cry.
Her lovely, grey eyes sob.
Somehow, she laughs.

*Outer-world Life*
A mocking grin upon his face
He beats her down onto the ground
She cries for helop but no one comes
The world goes black right in her eyes
Everything gone, she cant hear her own cries
Moments later she wakes up
He's not there, but did he run?
She stands alone, enters back into life
A moment won from all her strife
Alone we shine, together bright
A life's lesson we all must learn
So take today, to learn tonight
An outer-world's life.

I circle around you,
nice and slow.
I notice wonder in your eyes,
your childlike smirk.
I smile back,
but no, that's not happiness.
I close my eyes,
the world spins.
As I circle around you.

*The Light*
The light shines
The light shines
blinding me....
The light shines
blinding me for days....
The light shines.

(the next one ISN'T mine. it was given to a friend, and she passed to along to me. tis one of my favorite poems though)
Tenebrosity dwells within the inert one
Unbeknownst is the interior
Perpetually intermittent and surpressed sorrows

Puzzlement to potentialities
Never patent, perhaps never tasted
to be wild for, to be though or dreamed of
to be sought after, to be close

Yet there is no countenance
For it is never seen
Nor your anger or sorrow dope out

Left to wander on the fields of nothingness
Journeying through the black snow
With infinate pain being broken heart
The uncared for, the unwanted
Unnoticed and furthermore ignored

The pale visage of the one whom feeds on lives
Creature of the night
Coffin rest my imomortal bound self

Realize if you only would
This pain, this nihility
Eating away inward
Eventually to devour whole the sleeper

Shattered is everything
Why be concealed in a mask of thin happiness
When you only need to heal that which is unhappy
Why does the one who cares most hold back
When truly what is meant is never said
Why is it so hopeless
When it hasn't been given a chance
Why do we become embittered
When life is so short and everything will either push or pull

If you only knew what is really felt
Whenever we talk
There's no easy way to say this
You say never to say an apology
Maybe this is your way to get me to open up
Even thought there exists these doubts

For the point after
As we struggle to and from eachother
Do you honestly like it when we aren't talking to eachother
Life is so short
Maintaining it, only to loose it all
As death is our one downfall

Did you know what was said
When it was told that
Lending you the arms that have no other use
As they wrap around you
Not to manipulate only to deviate
To warm you, to embrace you

Feared is the concequence for a hand moving deeper
As you shout with adrenaline-filled moans
Does eternity mean anything to you

Talking from the endless dark sea of stars in the sky
Given mortality, given individuality
Darkness eminating and unchoked
Depression, absolute zero, to be forgotten
Solitude, masquerade, serenade
Regret, guilt, loss, qualm
Dispair, penance, punishment
Tragedy without sympathy

Where are you
This is asked
Gloom of the weak and weary heart of mind
Aching deep inside
Emptiness which once only death could fill
Oh you wont fill it in

Make a pact and paint it black
Cos in the end it is known that what you want
And maybe this one has it
For already you stole his heart
Please finish it, take the rest for you are desired
And let darkness take you

Come closer and feel my you are admired
At the heart, at the core, at the center
Like the sun it rises for you
Like the moon it has fallen for you
Take it into your hands
Stroke and paddle along the surreptitious river
Like a whistle placed between those flavoursome lips

(well, that's it for now. all my newest old poetry has been preserved.)

try to catch me

:: 2004 17 December :: 8.35 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: By Myself - Linkin Park

trust no one and live in loneliness
nik is mad at me.
scratch that, nik hates me.
he cant understand why i had to give up belief.
he's angry that i cant be the "great healer" he sees in me.
i feel bad, but he's so stubborn.
he was a wonderful teacher, and i really will miss him, but im better off without belief.
without belief i cant get hurt.
i dont need nik.
all i need is me.

and maybe a couple other people....

try to catch me

:: 2004 16 December :: 4.18 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: A Place For My Head - Linkin Park

can i be your memory?
ive been thinking a lot recently, and remembering random things.
like shon's block party, and walking around the soccer field with sam, and spending the night at emma's, and sitting under the table doing math with saba.
memory is weird, you never know what moments your mind will keep.
it's impossible to pinpoint the second that the present becomes a memory.

people say life goes on.
but it doesnt, if life were to really go on there would be no memory.
life doesnt go on.

time goes on.

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