"This is the Here & Now," the baritone voice intoned. "So Hear. Now."

 

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The Here & Now

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phil-himself

:: 2012 2 July :: 10.38am

So I've learned that when I'm suspicious about someone's motives I am usually correct.

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phil-himself

:: 2012 29 May :: 10.33am

I have a notion, a feeling that something big is about to happen, something is going to change and something is going to come to fruitition out of nowhere.

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phil-himself

:: 2012 19 May :: 11.32am

Look out, we got a badass over here

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lordpeter

:: 2012 16 May :: 2.44pm

Hey Pete,

Don't forget this: http://www.dean.usma.edu/departments/math/courses/ma206/default.htm

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lordpeter

:: 2012 14 May :: 2.08am
:: Music: Nervous Tic Motion of the Head (to the Left)

Optimism
It just occurred to me that I really hate having to be the guy who is accepting of his fate. I wish I could readopt that bubble that told me that given time she'd swing my way. I don't know if her resilience has fueled my passion or of it's pure God-given need. I don't know, all I know is that it's beginning to click that it ain't meant to be, and that grinds and cuts and wounds.

Also, I'm pretty pissed off that I have a B in Chemistry. If they would have just taught Advanced Chem RICE tables like EVERYBODY ELSE!

...

Lame.

I can't abide RDJ in Weird Science. It's despicable. I wonder if he feels that way too.

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lordpeter

:: 2012 13 May :: 1.45am
:: Mood: pained

It is difficult to accept that I have no control.

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lordpeter

:: 2012 1 May :: 8.44pm
:: Music: Dead Mau5

Our Life Is Not Our Own
"How can you achieve peace through war?"
"What else would you have us do?"
"Die."
"If we die, they win."
"If we fight, war wins - what if its not about us?"
"They'll kill more."
"Probably. That's their crime. Death will find a way. As will life."
"Are we indifferent?"
"Are we gods?"
"Are we ignorant?"
"Are we wise?"
"Are we blameless?"
"Never."
"Then how can we not fight?"
"Then how can we kill?"
"Because their blood irrigates the fields of peace."
"Peace cannot come from war, just as light does not arise from the void."
"What can we do?"
"Die."
"If we die, we win?"
"If there is victory, it is in death."

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phil-himself

:: 2012 26 April :: 10.36am

One lab accident short of being a super villain.

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lordpeter

:: 2012 21 April :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: small
:: Music: Hurt (Leona Lewis)

Fuck me, right?
I'm really childish. That's all I can really say. I'm just a giant and self-centered baby. One who's always on the stage and can't abide the shift of the spotlight. I'm mature enough to realize when the light should be on me and when it shouldn't (I don't miss the spot in Chem or in MilMovement, et cetera), but on that stage I'm supposed to shine. I think that's what I think anyway. And I think that's why I feel so impotent and broken and all this really egocentric feelings when I should just feel happiness and the most sincere gratitude for Drew and Nicole and their amazing work on developing our production.

The human mind has an amazing capacity to rationalize failure, to dull the sting. I like to think I taught everything they did; I just have to accept they did it better. They won them over. Probably by being better people than I'll ever hope to be. I have a real problem with good people. I'm so shamelessly envious, it's embarrassing. I've never felt so small as I did with them. But hey, at least I'm really wicked at reading those lines. That didn't belittle me at all. And the worst part is he meant it to be a compliment or something.

Fuck me, right?

That's how I've been feeling a lot lately. You're in good hands; Jarvis' hands. You got this Pete, can you handle it? You're worthless, you can't handle anything, you don't read my e-mails.

Fuck me, right?

You're not a good director. We should fire you and keep Drew instead. You're worthless. Can you stay [Drew]?

Fuck me, right?

I need God right now, but I don't feel up for an audience with Him. I don't want to feel peace or forgiveness (whether it's internal or external); I just want to destroy something. I want to yell and bang on a piano and...I don't know.

FUCK ME, RIGHT?

I used to think I had confidence, or bravado at the least. Now I realize just how humanly pathetic and finite I am. And I don't know how or that I want to change it.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck me.

And yet I have this middle school urge to pout, to post on Facebook (let's be honest, this is why I'm posting this online, in the off chance I can rustle up some anonymous sympathy and somehow feel better about my life). I want everyone to feel how I feel. Not that I want to belittle them, I just want them to appreciate my pain. I want them to walk a step in my delusional shoes.

Fuck me, I'm stupid.

I really wish I could be more adult about this, I wish my cognition matched my behavior.

(Stoic - that's a word right? I'm a theater guy! Oh, yes it is a word, can we suck your dick? Now, now, just doing my job.)

Stoicism. Comes from the Greek word for porch, where the first Stoic forums were held. Big name: Epictetus, focuses on apathea (that's right, apathy!), but has a different connotation than the modern use. It proposes we should rightly be indifferent to externalities and focus on cultivating the virtues we have control over.

And in the end, he's still a terrific, wonderful, Godsend guy. Why can't I appreciate someone for that? Why can't I just lift him up and thank God for his love demonstrated in such a why? Why do I have to be so fucking selfish all the fucking time?

FUCK

And why do I care about one person more than the rest? I think God and the Devil would both agree that I should give the fuck over it.

ME

But I can't, and instead I'm stuck in the flaming purgatory. I just want to punch shit. I've never felt so upset and stupidly violent in my life, and all I want to do is play LoL and feel a little good. Otherwise I might cry or die or something that rhymes with I.

Penisdipshitfuckingcockballsandsundrytesticles.

Somehow that helps...

Fuckingtwatmongers.

I know it shouldn't, but somehow the vulgarity is the antidote I seem to need. One that treats the symptoms. So that when it wears off it feels all the more potent (because the virus has worsened and my soul is blacker than before, moving from Midnight to Oil to Oblivion).

I think I feel a little better. I don't know. I don't know how I would explain this nonsense to anyone, even if they asked. If I were another person my only conclusion would be that, hey Peter, you're a childish dick.

Fuck me, right?

(A childish dick who will write a blog about how he is a victim of his own hubris, still sympathy-mongering. The balls on this cocksuckingmotherfuckerIjustwanttowatchtheworldburnI'llgetbywithalittlehelpfrommyfriends...?)

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phil-himself

:: 2012 30 March :: 4.13pm

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