I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure. Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile


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What I am to you...is not real

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:: 2007 22 January :: 10.15 am

Seldom, South Georgia
My humor sucks.

sometimes I can be so stupid.


She looks like a fricking poodle. fuck.

mean what you say

:: 2007 21 January :: 7.50 pm

As you walk through the rooms
Of a house that is quiet
Except for unanswered telephones

You stand near the sink
While you're mixing a drink
You think you don't want to pass out
Where your roommates will find you again
Stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
You're always looking for something

To sniff, smoke, or swallow

Calling over next door to see what they got
But you would settle for anything

That would make your brain slow down or stop
Break this circle of thoughts you chase
Before they catch back up with you
And your parents noticied your thinning face

All the weight you lost
All the weight you are losing
You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton
No more sleepwalking dead"
You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck

Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget
As you try to find some source of light
Try to name one thing you like
You used to have such a longer list
And light, you never had to look for it
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
Before the ice melts away
This feeling always used to pass
But seems like it's every day
Seems like it's every night now

mean what you say

:: 2007 19 January :: 10.03 am

I needed to save my thing for max, because my hard drive is getting wiped out. ergh.
Pretty long, Don't waste your time, unless its one of those nights. Thoughts throughout the week.

Starting new information forum.
not forum. I just wanted to use that word, just another e-mail broken up and written through out the week :)

(you'll get a kick out of this)

Commericalism is becoming greater by the day.
The other day in my English class, we were going over vocabulary (shut up) & the my teachers method of well, teaching was to compare the words to commericals on televison, and words you find on CD's. (explicit) Then they instantly knew the defination. They said, 'naughty, bad,'
I cannot get into this deeper at the moment, but I will. I thought it went well with our telephone conversation last week.
This is just a quick section before I go to Biology, write later. By the way, it's Jan. 16th.
Later I will make a hit on MLK, Jr.
May be disputable, but I have thoughts.

Herm. - later

okay. Have time.
Just got finished with a presentation. Still yellow.

so. Anways, the word I couldnt think of was expident, and you know the whole expedia.com thing? Well that's how they but that together. I just thought it was ridiculous and you are absoultely correct when you say that.

Oh yeah, and I disagree with your take on MLK Day.
He wasn't politically correct. Yes, he was the face of the blacks/ gain towards civil rights movement but that dosent mean he did things clean.
Everywhere he went there were riots (can blame on people) It was ridiculous if you ask someone (not black) how things were at the time.
Why don't we have a malcom X day if the riots were eqvilent?
I am all for civil rights and not a racist, which you know. But, come on now.

Have you thought about Global warming lately? I just was looking things up.
herm. I really am concerned.

since 1979 land temperatures have increased about twice as fast as ocean temperatures Temperatures in the lower troposphere have increased between 0.12 and 0.22 C per decade since 1979, according to satellite temperature measurements.
Over the 1 or 2 thousand years before 1850- world temperature is believed to have been stable, with possibly regional fluctuations such as the Medieval Warm Period or the Little Ice Age.

Argh, I wish there was something to be done.
Most of it is caused by Green house effect - which we've spoken about once.
& other things such as CO2 and Methane.
I like how we all are aware of this stuff and no one gives it second thoughts.

Sometimes I am embarrassed to say I live in a place like this. It's not all bad.
(Can you see through my optmism?)
I'm trying, I really am. I have met a couple people to keep an intelligent conversation with,- but by next year, I will be left with no one at school.
So, there's this thing called KCTC or something. Where I can get out of school to do something & go to a different place for classes for something I want to go to school for. I'm thinking about bullshitting the school and saying I want to go into cosmotology just to get the F out of here.
I feel bad that I cannot seem to enjoy the whole highschool thing as other do. but I can't pull myself together to.
It's all ridiculous. I don't enjoy anything.
All of my proxy sites are blocked now & I am finished with this class. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate just sitting around.
I'm kind of rambling to keep my mind off things.
My mother = more insane than ever.


I think I should take on Buddhism.
It's very intresting.
The whole jesus thing dosent work for me.
I'm just looking for something to believe in. I really want it, but my mind denies me faith.
I truely wish I could be something more than an atheist.
How do you stand strong with atheism?
You've given me reasons, but do you ever have your doubt.
Jews suck.


Sometimes I really wish I could just act like a typical 15 year old girl.
It drives me crazy, I hate being so different.
It's not that I want to fit in, I just want people that are like me for.
I still have two years until graduation and I'm already counting down days.
I get my licencse in four months.
I'm not exactly excited for it either. I really hate driving. It kills me. everytime.
But this summer, I'm going to most definately make a trip out there.
I miss it dearly.
It would be very nice to see the two of you.
and luprica :)
Highschool students try so hard to be something they think is cool. All sterotypes.
It's very, very, Very annoying
Ah fuck, later gater.

18th thursday
ergh, did you hear bushes speech? It was very intresting. He's pro more troops to iraq but congress just ruled him out in a quest for peace.
America. It's impossible. Oh man.
-- -

So, I was thinking of bringing my friend Jessica to your territory when I come.
Don't put her in the sterotypical highschool student I am forced to hang out with. Yeah. It started like that, but she's very mature.
The physiology of Jessica.
Jessica is 15. She's lived a [nottobad] pretty sheltered life.
but, from things she is aware of, stays open-minded.
She enjoys some of our music. More my level, than yours, in music stand point.
She's an exultant person, but not to the point of irritating. & pretty optomistic. Sometimes I doubt her senseablilty with things, but I've been proven wrong more than once.
I think you would enjoy her company. Tell me your thoughts.
She's ergh, goofy.
Alyson will enjoy her, more than you because unlike you, she has fun.
I know, I suck at the whole enjoying myself thing also.
Remember the gathering?
I was close to drowing myself in the punch-bowl.

Anyways. I have to go to choir.
Sometimes I get really sad. I get sad for so many different reasons.
Most of them are things I cannot help.

Do you ever want to cry and hope it fixs the world?

mean what you say

:: 2007 17 January :: 10.24 am

& I dont like the thought of anything.
at all.

I'm sick.

mean what you say

:: 2007 17 January :: 10.23 am

I think about horrible things.

Oh yeah, I have cancer.

mean what you say

:: 2007 17 January :: 10.23 am

The flowers you gave me are rotting and still I refuse to throw them away.
Some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
They might so i'm waiting and staying awake.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep
I'll never know if I go to sleep.

mean what you say

:: 2007 10 January :: 11.00 am

Well, winter’s gonna end,
--I’m gonna clean these veins again.--
So close to dying that I finally can start living.

i hate music.

mean what you say

:: 2007 8 January :: 9.10 pm

So when you're asked to fight a war that's over nothing
You know it's best to join the side that's gonna win
And no one's sure how all of this got started
But we're gonna make 'em God damn certain how it's gonna end

Well I could have been a famous singer
If I had someone else's voice
But failures always sounded better
Let's fuck it up, boys, make some noise

I hate how I am. I hate what I am. I hate mistakes. I hate second-guessing. I hate thinking about the past. I hate who I am. I hate Addiction. I hate Lupus. I hate that I'm insane. I hate I can't write anymore. I just hate. hate. hate.
I fucking hate Lupus.

I hate living with hate.

I don't regret the things I've done, just the fact I did them to forget the things I've seen.

I really wish I was over things like I say I am.
Today in second hour I realized how much I want that, I want the feeling, I want the carelessness, I just want it.
I can't. I won't.
What the fuck?

I'm done.
Wha errver

1 Say what you mean | mean what you say

:: 2006 19 December :: 10.19 am

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again.
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problems gonna last
more than the weekend.
Well Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die,
I'm a little bit scared of what comes after.

Do I get the gold chariot?
Do I float through the ceiling?


I tried to pray last night. Someone in my family needs it, and I couldn't do it.

I just want to be normal. shit

mean what you say

:: 2006 7 December :: 10.05 am

“I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.”
- Cobain

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are”

- Cobain

mean what you say

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