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:: 2015 4 January :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: None.

I don't know what brings this on; Perhaps the seemingly eternal nothingness of dark skies and late hours.
I've slept for days; Almost a week.
I'm still exhausted.

I feel as though I live longer during the night. The night gives me this energy that is zapped away by the sun. I just want to run but I'm chained to a body that won't let me.

Sitting here...typing sporadically, while cigarette smoke swirls around the room...I hate it.
I'm supposed to be sleeping, getting rest before work tomorrow.

I can't tell what kind of crazy my mind is in the grasp of... Depression-crazy, Anxiety-crazy...I have quite a few versions. The nine pill bottles sitting on the nightstand next to me can attest to that.

The crazy that I have is tied to so many things...things I can't keep hidden.
I advocate for "crazy" people (not supposed to use that term)

But fuck it. I'm so sick and tired of telling people to stop judging and labeling persons who struggle with mental illness while censoring my own story. Trying to figure outwhat can I take out of context to fit in to their context?

I talk about how I have been labeled: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorderd; Obsessive Compulsive; Depressed; Anxious; Insomniac; Dyslexic; Substance Abuser.

The people who listen to me don't want to hear about how I was raped. How I can't have a relationship with a man...They don't want to hear how I have to pick my skin til it bleeds to be able to fall asleep. How I have to check, and recheck, and triple check everything from what I washed when I showered, to the angles of things in my room so I can sleep.

They don't want to hear how the disks in my back are disintegrating...and the pain. The pain that I've been living with for the past ten months. I can't talk about how I told my doctor that either she removed my leg or I would remove it in her office.

Fuck the judgments.
Fuck the criticism.

Un-censored; Uncut; full out crazy truth

This is my story.

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2014 1 July :: 3.02am

I will start this post by pointing out that I typed in my username and password for woohu without flinching even though it's been saved in my computer for 5 years (just built a new PC). I think that says something.

me references will be in italics. ;)

I will continue by saying that I miss me. I'm not entirely sure I know what me is anymore, but I'm pretty sure I miss it. As a disclaimer I will say that none of this is meant to be sad or foreboding in three at all. Just a rant.

I have this notion that any sense of self I had is gone with all the hobbies I used to have.

I understand that being 27 it is a totally normal thing to be unsure of direction and/or choice, what the fuck am I doing?

I had all these plans to do these big things (that weren't one-hundred percent attainable) and now here I am, a cog in the machine.

If I'm going to live in these conditions, I wish I was a teacher at least. At least then I might have the comfort of knowing I'm doing something for the future and our youth whether or not they give a shit (and usually I can't blame them if not).

I reflect sometimes and honestly feel like it's deserved. I've done many things that have warranted my conundrum. So self deprecating I is.

But then there's the other side. Considering I'm with a mother who's in a perpetual mental breakdown and a father who will hate you if the wind changes direction: I'm alive, I eat, I drink, I'm typing on a computer; things can't be that bad.

I almost blame my raising. The raising involving America being the best and being privileged just to be involved. I don't think it's the same anymore. We're not the best. I will soon be a part of a motion picture that someone in Sweden will watch and say "man, I'm glad I live here and not there regardless of how entertaining this drama is". Does that make sense? Basically I have a notion that we will soon be portrayed as less than first world. Not that less than first world is less than anything but... whatever this isn't the point.

My point is all I do is reminisce. I reminisce about times when I didn't have to think so much. I reminisce about the people who made thinking optional at most. I reminisce about love gone, love I wasted, love I should have valued. I was so carefree I felt like love was water; the most abundant of resources.

Now I'm aware; and too much so. I have a perspective of things I've done, things I'm doing, and things I will do. This is equal parts frustrating and enlightening. Equal parts "I want to apologize to everyone" and "want to stand my ground". If I hadn't made the shitty choices I've made in the past, I wouldn't be so enlightened but I wish I could go back and at the least prevent them or remake them.

I've been told by some of the people I love most that I'm not good enough for anything that is normal a lot of my life, when I was young and still today, and this has been the basis of my relationships since I was a tweenager (this is the only word in this post with a red scribble underneath it as I'm typing and I'm proud of that). I shouldn't have said that because now another mistake will be pointed out.

With this said, All i want is to know what I want. I want to know what is wantable. Is there something I should want? Want want want. Need Need Need.

That is all for tonight. Again, just a rant. Have a good night.

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2014 6 June :: 12.09pm

Hi woohu. How have you been?

3 missed calls | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2013 6 January :: 12.28am

I'm searching for a reason to feel for you again.

2 missed calls | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2012 26 November :: 2.28am

so here I am

constantly basing my life on other people. Need to focus on myself.

Can't do that... hate myself. Help me.

2 missed calls | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2012 29 July :: 3.37am

Here is a link to my more modern, grown-up life:


ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2012 26 March :: 1.31pm

strange argument last night.

Over the smallest thing too. Not really relationship-ending by any stretch of the imagination, but strange.

Did pass that dreaded 6 month mark, which may seem like nothing to you, but means a lot to me for many reasons. So here's to that.

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2012 8 January :: 11.56pm

Things are good. I spent my birthday with the girl and a few select others... pretty much just the girl though. We did a lot of dancing with each other, both metaphorically and literally. We drank champagne. We kissed at midnight. It was nice. It was also oddly adult which kind of freaks me out.

the only thing I need is a new job. Really... that's it. I like where I live and my new room mates and everything. Just the job...

I'm really coming to grips with myself and I like it.

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2012 2 January :: 11.45am

2012 bucket list:

[] get a new job
[] quit outback
[] get a real phone
[] get a new car
[] have more than 5000 in an untouchable account, preferably one with high returns
[] break that 6 month relationship mark that seems to constantly elude me
[] don't stab anyone
[] work out more
[] Go back to MI to visit
[] Get a credit card
[] Go to a wizards, capitals, and nationals game (not redskins, the suck and it's impossible to get tickets)

2 missed calls | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 30 December :: 4.06pm

guess who got the phone interview?

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 21 December :: 3.10pm

I feel like I'm getting better at managing my self diagnosed bi-polar disorder. Mostly the last week has been a test of this.

I'm all moved into the new place, which is a huge weight off of my shoulders. My room mates are awesome.

next step is to go and sign up at a recruiter. Not totally sure which one or who to go to though.

ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 16 December :: 10.31pm

Image hosting by Photobucket

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 6 December :: 2.08am

never met the bitch but I fucked her like I missed her

ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 6 December :: 2.02am

DJ Cupps in the mix... rockin the 1's and 2's

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 28 November :: 11.30pm

Well... now that there's a hole in my door I think moving out is the only option I have.

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 25 November :: 12.54pm

Thanksgiving was good with the exception of the reffing in the lions game. What the fuck was that? I guess if Aaron Rodgers can't actually produce the yardage to get to the red zone you have to give it to him.


Other then that everything is gravy :)

I dont' think I've ever been this full in my life.

Is someone really going to hire me?

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 20 November :: 2.03pm

so... I switched cuts last night for some cash to get out early, hopped on the metro, and made my way downtown to some club with only letters and numbers in the name trying to sound hip (tr 5768 or cb 12 12 or pg 3030 or something like that).

I danced my ass off (what little I had). I got in there and I was greeted immediately by a beautiful girl of the Peruvian persuasion, three shots of tequila, and a group of nice people. 3 hours later... all the stress and problems and worries and frustrations I seemed to have had are gone, rendering yesterdays post pointless. :) Funny how shitty dance music can do that.

except for the room mate thing. That's still on. They've been trying to not be so abrasive but I feel as though I've already made up my mind. This morning after Diana left, I went back to sleep only to be awoken by the sounds of sex coming through the vents. I've owned it up to a bad living situation at this point, because I can't really hate on that.

Advantages of new apartment:

~$100 less a month
bigger room that isn't next to the door that opens like a vault at fort knox
bigger kitchen and living room area
better room mates

My new room mates are both girls, however. We're all currently in a relationship of 4 months - 2 years so that's not really an issue, I've just never really lived with a girl other than my mom (who doesn't count). I'm both curious and mortified at the prospect. largely worried about shower time, but they aren't necessarily the "get really gussied up every day like we're going out" type.

so... next step is find a new job. wish me luck.

ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 19 November :: 3.25pm

alright, so more detail....

Basically, when I came back from Japan I was living with my mom for the time being and didn't really have any friends outside of work.That's when I decided to fill my schedule with nothing but work.

Now, I live on my own and have a girlfriend whom I'd like to see on occasion. I DO get to see her usually twice a week, but she's in school and by the time our friday hangout date rolls around she's so exhausted all she wants to do is sleep. I on the other hand, have been sleeping all week and want to go out.

This week, I got a drunk phone call from her on thursday around 2 in the morning. She was too exhausted to really "hang out" or do whatever yesterday, and now that I have to work until midnight tonight she's going out with all her friends. I mean... I'm not upset that she's going out without me, but she had planted the idea in my head and I thought we were going somewhere other than inside on friday.

but of course she was too tired to really even have a conversation with me.

Also notable, when she goes out... she looks good, and she's fun to dance with. I haven't really had an opportunity to combine those two things at once. Usually she comes over on saturdays anyway, but she's been out and has taken the heels off and only wants to sleep because we both have to work early on sundays.

I feel like this should be the other way around, or at least that's what I've been told my entire life.

I am a glorified body pillow at the moment.

I'm sure this will change in the future as I get a new job hopefully within the next few months, and I'm positive it's not that she doesn't WANT me there, but damnit I'm getting frustrated and I don't know how to quell it.

I wouldn't be so frustrated if I didn't like her so much. She's really bright, I enjoy hanging out with her, tri-lingual, and has an ass that (as I've said before) is claimable on your taxes as a dependent.

What also doesn't help is that my room mates suck and keep me up all night. This has put me on a weird schedule and they are stressing me out, and I"m sick of my job that makes me work only the days I can see anyone outside of work.

I'm moving out in the next month and that's stressing me out as well.

I have finished re-doing the resume I've lost, including recontacting all of the references I've had, and for the most part looking at it I'm not the worst candidate in the "to be" place for my field.

I just feel like I"m getting the raw deal, and I want a break from stress.

advice? how does one be patient and motivated at the same time?

4 missed calls | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 19 November :: 4.28am

I've never had this problem before... ever...

It's really frustrating. I've done this a thousand times with everyone else but when it really matters I can't follow through....

the hell?

3 missed calls | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...


:: 2011 9 November :: 4.09pm

Started redoing the resume I lost when my old lappy blew up. It's been a pain in the ass recalling some of the information I had but hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer and I'll be able to get my foot in the door somewhere.

Not sure where to start but D.C. is apparently where it's at for my field so... good luck to me I guess.

1 missed call | ZOMG, that's not my voice mail...

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