Not sure what kind of mood I was in two slots ago but I'm having memories flood back like CRAZY lately. I miss him. He's single- and back in alpena. Lucky me.
I've been really crappy and reclusive this month and it's so weird...
I care. But in a different way now-
Still nothing from Meg still. Shes been gone 2.5 weeks and texted me saying she'd call and i haven't even gotten so much as a hello the whole time. So when my sister and I are disconnected, I am disconnected from the world.
so I finally put up the deuces, and for good reason too.
The idea that I was being played was apparent, but I didn't mind as long as it wasn't staring me in the face. Last Tuesday it spit in my face and I was left with no choice. Really I should have drawn this conclusion in the beginning. too bad because that ass is seriously tax deductible. I mean that in the nicest sense.
what was nice as well was the back up that I got from everyone.
But worry not, you think I don't have a back up plan? pfff... I don't really. But you know me, perpetually on the prowl.
Ok. Still not packing anymore for n.c. However I've gotten to the point where I'm not crying about the dirtbag anymore. I'm pissy, annoyed, and kinda sad still but it's kind of whatev now. Going nowhere. He's got a new girl- now to find me a new guy...
This is a letter I've been meaning to write for awhile.
Can you explain something to me? How is it that he's been back in town for almost a week now and you've slept with me for 5 out of 6 of the nights?
When you were arrested, who did you call first to come pick you up? Who drove you to get your car from the towing company? Who talked you down until 9 in the morning?
If you didn't look so good in my Rooney jersey when you aren't wearing any pants I'd probably not have let you stay and although I may have played the "point to the couch and tell you to get the fuck out" story line in my head I cannot follow through for the life of me
Sometimes, I wish I was a cold beer.
You are considerably hindering my ability to get some whilst augmenting it at the same time.
Just another disappointing day. After these past few weeks of excellence having Jen and Scott, Steph and John, and Rach things have been so nice. The fireworks, bonfires, going to the beach, I had yet to start thinking about N.C.
This morning, I drove to town for boxes in which I returned home to fill them. I started with photo frames, looking, reminiscing, crying. I texted Meg this and her response was polar opposite of what I expected.
Basically, I quit my job for no reason, told everyone I was leaving, was starting to get excited to be with my sister away from this drama filled town- all for... Nothing.
If I'm not ready for school, quit shoving it in my face. Who's to say when I will be? ME. Don't keep saying 'come live with me' if you don't want to accept me for me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Not the wall I'm supposed to climb.
Today has taken a shitty twist. Especially when I woke up after an awful dream, trying to keep a good mindset by this:
'U can spend minutes hours days weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation : trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened - or u could just leave the pieces on the floor and move on' -Tupac
I'm still so sad here. Not here, but where Mousseau and I stand.. I can't seem to accept the fact that it won't work. He still visits my dreams, I see him almost every weekend, not by choice. I don't fail to admit I'm running from him. Running from what I thought was a perfect love story. I just want to be wrapped in his arms. I feel infatuated. Want it to go away so I don't have to be sad kel anymore :(
Fuck fuck Fuck
Fuck you, Chris Mousseau. Fuck you with a big fat punch in the face for making me feel this way!!! I wish I could hate you with every cell in my body but that's impossible for some reason. Fuck you for the things you said, for the shitty ways of breaking my heart not once but TWICE. Fuck. You.
Fuck you for meeting other girls and adding them on fb and saying you miss them just like you used to miss me. Fuck you!!!!!
Things are still hard. You're still on my mind. It drives me crazy. You, drive me crazy. I just want to feel normal. Waking up last night you were the first thing I saw. Across the room, which was my first problem in itself. My knees gets weak, the butterflies start fluttering, organs have dropped to the floor. I freeze up and think of everything I want to say, only for it to come out silent and unheard. I never thought a breakup could be this bad. I miss you so so much still, everyday you're on my mind. I miss your voice, the feel of your skin, your laugh, your face. I just miss you, so much. So so much...