I sought the Lord, who answered me, Delivered me from all my fears. Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces may not blush for shame. In my misfortune I called, the Lord heard and saved me from all distress. The angel of the Lord, who encamps with them, delivers all who fear God. -Psalm 34 V. 2-8


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Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself

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:: 2005 8 March :: 8.24 pm
:: Mood: good

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

I could be fake
I could be stupid
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you

I could be cold
I could be ruthless
You know I could be just like you

I could be weak
I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you

On my own, cause I canít take liven with you
Iím alone, so I wonít turn out like you
Want me to

You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you

You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you
You thought you were there to guide me
You were only in my way
Youíre wrong if you think that Iíll be just like you

I could be mean
I could be angry
You know I could be just like you

a falling star

:: 2005 7 March :: 8.36 pm

I think that anya is sad
and that everyone is bitter
the world is on fire
am eating
wheat thins

1 catch | a falling star

:: 2005 7 March :: 8.12 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Hawthorne Hieghts-Ohio Is For Lovers

I'm so tired. and we didnt even do anything in tennis today.
oh well. now i have the hickups how lovely. mmmmm a toasted sub sounds tasty. GOD im so freaking scattered ....i need sleep. pills, anyone?

a falling star

:: 2005 6 March :: 10.51 am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Disease-Matchbox Twenty

Your Results:
Disorder Rating Information
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
those are some really interesting results^^
Well, yesterday was such an experiance! A fun/confusing one to say the least. First, I get to the church, and being the walking penis he is, ben did that "chris edwards" head nod thing. and then stared at every girl there and flirted with them like mad. he just doesnt know when to give up, does he? So there was really nothing to do anymore, besides put baskets in the right places and suck helium out of balloons (shh) and chuckle at Katherine K lack of driving skills. and we also watched Patty S dance to mass quantities of salsa music for three hours. lol. shes so funny. So then we went to Micah and Corinnas house, and i saw Hollis, whom i havn't seen in forever thanks to her crazy parents.
The auction was soo tiring, and next year unless its forced im most definatly not wearing my high heeled boots. and, i discovered that Jon K has the most amazing abs ever! they are seriously so incredible. perfectly defined, not one..percent of fat? i was like...*rubs eyes* *looks again*
"that punch looks like someone just puked into the bowl and left"- Steven
"thats what i hate about these textured undershirts...they texture mah boobies"-Hollis
"i met chris the halloween after last, and he was actually trying to pick up my friend"-emma (chris's girlfriend)
"i had to wear these flip flops to homecoming, because Kyle and I are the same height, and even then they made me taller than him."-Jenae
"Katherine is probably the worst driver ever. she was looking down at her checkbook, not even watching the road as we were going down the freeway"-Micah
"My dad deleted all the music files he thought were inapp. but he doesnt realize that i have them saved on like a million back up files"-Corinna

a falling star

:: 2005 5 March :: 8.39 am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Sooner or Later-Fastball

Ok, so last night was Mrs Bennetts 50th suprise bday party. and i come home, with a plethera of tales. First, Allison, Courtney, Caroline and Camille arrive in Courtneys dads truck, and needless to say it wasn't a very smooth ride. so then we didnt know where the hell this resturaunt was, except that it was near the Campbell House in Browne's Edition. There was this really scary butler with a fake British accent that really got on my nerves, and blah blah. so finally mrs bennett gets there and she looked mildy confused for a second. ha..
Then, being the total idiot i can be, i go over to this punch bowl, and ask this girl nearby "is this rigged?" and shes like"no." so i was like ok cool. and i get a glass of it, and just as i'm about to take a giant gulp, that frickin butler appears next to me and goes"excuse me, miss are you aware there is champagne in that?" GOD that was embarrassing, especially since about 50 people saw me do it too. oh well, i got some anyways. hehe. and never, ever eat this hors d'oevre called..well i dont actually know what its called, but it had a cucumber at the bottom, and was topped with tuna and some really spicy ..cream stuff. so a few drinks of champagne infused orange juice, some cake, bread, cheese and a flirty waitress..person later, laura, camille, caroline, julia and i went to go see Meet the Fockers. that movie was sooo strange. i would probably shoot myself if my name was Gaylord...
I learned that Camille calls her parents by thier first names.

Zac got his haircut too. its not long anymore. haha that girl that told me there wasnt any alcohol in the punch was totally flirting with all the college guys there. oh well. i would too if i had old people there all the time.

a falling star

:: 2005 3 March :: 4.42 pm
:: Music: Slither-Velvet Revolver

what do you guys think of my new icon? aaaak im not sure about the "dont believe in faith" part..but i like the other parts? meh..oh well.

5 catch | a falling star

:: 2005 3 March :: 3.39 pm
:: Music: Play Telex-Radiohead

ANYA! ha well i changed my password anyways so...neener! Jarett lent me his Radiohead cd, and being the moron i am i forgot to return it to him today. so i guess i'll just burn it and give it back to him tomorrow.
i kind of wish i didnt have a sixth period, cuz then i could just chill with all the older kids who don't have a sixth period either, like Jordan or Ben. And my sixth is sooooooo boring! food and nutrition. and we had a sub today, so that made it extra boring. next time we have a sub, im so gone. bitch yes

2 catch | a falling star

:: 2005 2 March :: 6.56 pm

omg i'm naughty
this is anya...*gasp* i'm in kim's blog... this is INSANE!!!!! i feel naughty. teehee.. well, this is just seein if i actually know kim's sn, and i'll never go on kim's blog again... *giggle giggle*

a falling star

:: 2005 2 March :: 4.12 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: My Goddess-The Exies

You are the only person who's completely certain there's nothing here to be into
That is all that you can do
You are a past sinner, the last winner, and everything we've come to makes you you

But you cannot safely say that while I will be away, you will not consider sadly
How you helped me to stray
And you will not reach me I am resenting a position that's past resentmentand now
I can't consider, and now there is this distance, so...

a falling star

:: 2005 1 March :: 6.02 pm
:: Mood: devious

Ah yes
I remember too well
How hard
I tried avoiding your spell

It was a cold October night
It was a far from sober night
And I was taken at first sight
And this was much to your delight

I'd heard
That you were looking for prey
Hungry for a different girl everyday

But you were so sly in coming in
I wouldn't fight, I let you win.
All of the blood upon your chin
Told me exactly where you'd been
Trouble Trouble

Who would have thought I'd ever let somebody get to me
Who would have thought I'd ever give a damn
I gave to you the one thing that I can never retrieve
And I am leaving my heart bleeding in my hands

You told me all about your dreams
You were so deep,
Or so it seemed
Although I'm young, I'm not naive
I am not easy to deceive

I see the danger that lies beyond your eyes
And I wanna scream when you're rubbing on my thighs
I know I should but I can't say no, I won't.
Troublemaker, gotta let you go, ooh
Trouble trouble

Who woulda thought I'd ever let somebody get to me
Who woulda thought I'd ever give a damn

I gave to you the one thing that I can never retrieve
And you're leaving my heart bleeding in my hands

I thought I knew you well
I thought you'd catch me if I fell
But when I fell you never came
That's when I knew this was a game

I thought, Because I knew that I'd won
But honey, that's easier said than done
Cuz I lose my breath when you're kissin' on my neck
Boy you've got me in check, but I haven't lost yet
Trouble Trouble
Trouble maker
Don't you bring it round here

2 catch | a falling star

:: 2005 28 February :: 4.46 pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: California-Phantom Planet

Its funny how i've learned to do so many things on my own. I don't expect anything from my family anymore, except critisism (did i spell that right??) well anyways. No, i'm not complaining about it. My parents have never been the "active in my kids lives" sorts. I mean, my sister yea, shes the star. I've always just been given something to do and had to do it on my own. I know i'm not the only one, but it seems sometimes like i am. like people don't understand completely what its like to have to face most things by yourself, or have to learn things that your parents should teach you on your own. I think though, this has been a good learning experiance for me. You know, life stuff. Yah, its pretty painful when i have to suffer for the stupid things i've done, and even the things i haven't done but still got blamed for. I know what to do and what not to do, i know how to hold my tongue, how to not cry in public, what to say (usually) and when, how to act on the phone, how to handle being humiliated by my parents/sister in public, how to not show my frustration, and basically how to hold it all in. But it gets tiring, it gets lonely. and usually, after a while i just fall apart. i suppose thats the part that is what makes me weaker than i should be. i'm not very good at keeping it in forever and ever. I go through those depressed "i hate myself" times and it seems like i dont even have these "times" anymore, it just runs along like a river, never stopping until finally i hit the ocean and eventually it all evaporates into the air, becoming nothing but tiny water molocules and then condensing itself into the rain. and then the cycle begins again. so i would like to apologize for this...retarded cycle, the one im trying to stop. this self destructiveness thats making all my friends frustrated with me.

a falling star

:: 2005 28 February :: 4.28 pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Hysteria-Muse

Put an X in the ( ) for the ones that apply to you:
(x) snuck out of the house?
(x) gotten lost in your city?
(x) saw a shooting star?
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states?
() had a serious surgery?
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas?
( ) kissed a stranger?
(x) hugged a stranger?
( ) been in a fist fight?
( ) been arrested?
( ) done drugs?
(x) had alcohol?
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose?
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator?
( ) made out in an elevator?
(x) swore at your parents?
(x) kicked a guy where it hurts?
(x ) been in love?
(x ) been close to love?
(x) been to a casino?
( ) been skydiving?
(x) broken a bone?
( ) been high?
(x) given someone a bruise?
( ) skinny-dipped?
(x) skipped school?
( ) flashed someone?
( ) had oral surgery?
( ) saw a therapist?
(x) done the splits?
( ) played spin the bottle?
( ) gotten stitches?
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?
(x) bitten someone?
(x) been to Niagara Falls?
(x) gotten the chicken pox?
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex?
( ) kissed a member of the same sex?
( ) crashed into a friend's car?
( ) been to Japan?
(x) ridden in a taxi?
( ) been dumped?
(x) shoplifted?
( ) been fired?
( ) ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back?
( ) stole something from your job?
( ) gone on a blind date?
( ) had a crush on a teacher?
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans?
(x) been to Europe?
( ) slept with a co-worker?
( ) been married?
( ) gotten divorced?
( ) had children?
( ) saw someone die?
( ) been to Africa?
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day?
(x) Been to Canada?
(x) Been to Mexico?
(x) Been on a plane?
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show?
( ) Thrown up in a bar?
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire?
(x) Eaten Sushi?
(x)Been snowboarding?
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) Been to a moto cross show?
( ) had real feelings for someone you knew only online?
( ) taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself?
( ) been in an abusive relationship?
( ) lost a child?
( ) gone to college?
( ) graduated college?
( ) done hard drugs?
(x) tried killing yourself?
(x) taken painkillers?
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

a falling star

:: 2005 27 February :: 9.20 am
:: Mood: crushed

oh my freaking GOD! THE EXIES ARE COMING TO SEATTLE!!!!!! EEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK, except im sad cuz i wont be able to go, cuz its in april, and during the week i will be gone. UGH WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN??! They are like..my favorite band, and i'm going to be gone..gggaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddd i need sedatives to stop freaking out.

04/04/2005 Big Easy Boise, ID
04/05/2005 Showbox Seattle, WA
04/06/2005 Roseland Theatre Portland, OR

those are the three closest...places. i'm hoping that i don't die from this!

1 catch | a falling star

:: 2005 27 February :: 7.28 am
:: Music: Sensitive Subject Matter-Bonnie McKee

Anyways, to reflect(sort of) on my weekend so far, here goes:

Friday was for losers, the group leaders didn't do anything to mix up the guys/girls. corinna and I disected this further and came to the conclusion that we are a very divided group right now. First, we separate into guys/girls. then, (for the girls) we separate into myself/corinna/julia/jenae and taylor/hannah/karina (usually). for the guys, its blake/barclay, jon/steven, bryan/garret/barrett. And then we all just mix and match. How are we ever going to get anything meaningful accomplished in LA when we are so divided inton our groups? I'll tell you: nothing. so later on, the group leaders/parents took us downtown to Rock Coffee to watch Luke and Nick play..in their band. I spot sophia, nora, katie and mandy sitting on a lovely leather(or was it pleather?) couch, and advance towards them. They seemed really uncomfortable that we were all there, which they were. I can understand that its annoying to have people you don't like taking over your "thing" and people who only talk to you in class take it over too. I just hope they understand that the entire youth group isn't bad, because it would be really riduculous of them to assume that. So they left halfway through, and blah blah. Afterwords, Corinna, Micah and I walked down to Nordstroms and Corinna got her makeup done by the Chanel lady(who kept commenting on her eyelashes "look at those eyelashes! you could sweep the floor with them!") and we both tried on the highest heels/ugliest shoes we could find. I also put my pink moccasins on hold, even though i never got a chance to go back and get them yesterday (i hope they still have them today!)

Saterday: Saterday by far was the best Prep Meeting. We split into three groups
Group 1-
Julia, Garett, Barrett, Corinna, Karina (i guess someone had fun rhyming)
Group 2-Hannah, Bryan, Jon, Taylor
Group 3- Myself, Jenae, Blake, Barclay, and Steven.
My group went to Summit View, a subsudized(if i spelled that right) housing facility for single parents with kids. Jenae, Chelsea (a group leader) and I picked up the garbage around the place, and we found two used condoms (colored and near the kids PLAY area) a patch of ghetto jeans, a jacket, i collected about 57 handfuls of cigarette butts (no joke), a handle of a plastic sword, lots of food wrappers, a tire, pop cans, a knife, a wierd..metal ..wrist thing? we werent sure what it was, it looked sort of like miedeval handcuffs, and so much more. This kid Jeremy would pull out his Yu-Gi-Oh cards and kick Blake everytime he showed them to him. He also bit Steven, which was wierd. However it was quite funny to hear Blake howl in pain from that violent little boy. Afterwords we hung out w/ the kids, and this one kid, Roman, just woudn't stop! it was amazing! he ran around pretty much the entire playground and yard 12 times, going in the exact same pattern (up the stairs, down the slide, through the swings..ect). The older kids where playing some sort of game on the swings called "mousetrap" i believe. After a while of that, this one blonde kid with a Pokemon shirt said (very loudly) to another boy"EW YOU JUST TOUCHED MY BUTT YOU FAGGOT!" this kid was about SEVEN or EIGHT years old and using that term! i wonder if he actually knows what it means. When he said that, Steven and I looked at each other like "oh. my. God." i was in such..shock. lalala and we chilled w/ the kids for about two hours, then headed back to First Pres to eat pizza. i find it funny that i ate only one and 3/4 slices of pizza, while everyone else ate a full 2+ slices. Taylor ate four! it was crazy. and Jon ripped his pants down to his knee. hahahhaha ..and used masking tape to tape it up. i laughed at him. but hes so HOT! aaaaaaahhhhhhh. mmm delicious...ok yea. On the way home, we stopped at the Dollar store, and i found a ribbon that said"Dad to Be" and micah and i got this exellent idea to make this whole "congrats on the baby" gift for garret. The card was soooo funny. i don't actually remember what it said, but on the inside it said something like "congraduations! It couldn't have happened to a more deserving person!"..you know..the baby. yeah. ok. so then we get this whole prank ready, and we can't find his address! its not in the phone book, its not in the school directory, i couldnt find it online either. i know he lives in Hangman Hills, but there are like a million houses down there. so our plot was foiled temporaraly. lalala and then my sister really embarrassed me but i dont want to tell that part of the story. I went to Carolines and Julia was there too and we ate pizza and watched Forrest Gump/The Twilight Zone and Ice Age later on.

Today i have the Europa thingy....and i have no idea where Europa is

a falling star

:: 2005 27 February :: 6.54 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: California-Phantom Planet

This weekend so far has been pretty fun, with Corinna ripping out the bottom of her pants and such. Except yesterday I was sitting in Micah's car in my driveway w/ Corinna and Micah and my sister threw open her window and started yelling stuff about me and holding up old pairs of my moms underwear in the window and still yelling stuff about me, and then Brooke Mahar and Jillian Preston walk by and my sister yells more stuff to them about me and I was so completly mortified...What is wrong with my sister? Shes almost twelve years old, she isn't a baby! When I told my dad he goes "well, what am I going to do about it? She's your little sister, thats what they do." Of course, the damage was already done, she had stopped and there was really nothing he could do to stop her now. Am I wrong in thinking that she deserves some form of punishment? Or is it just some stupid hope? Should I even expect her to get into trouble anymore?

a falling star

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