I sought the Lord, who answered me, Delivered me from all my fears. Look to God that you may be radiant with joy and your faces may not blush for shame. In my misfortune I called, the Lord heard and saved me from all distress. The angel of the Lord, who encamps with them, delivers all who fear God. -Psalm 34 V. 2-8

 

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Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself

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:: 2005 25 February :: 4.30 pm
:: Music: Send the Pain Below-Chevelle

I cut
I burn
I self inflict an illness
My minds all twisted up inside.
I have no idea where to run and hide
I'm going crazy
I'm near insane
I have to find a way out of my pain
I scream
I shout
I don't know where to turn.
Where am I to go anymore
I cant find my hope, I cannot shine.
I am trapped inside this evil mind

1 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 25 February :: 4.09 pm
:: Mood: numb

I'm counting down the days on my calender....

5 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 23 February :: 4.29 pm
:: Mood: hopeless

If only you could watch me fall.
I cannot feel it anymore.
The soul you cut, The soul you adore,
Cannot feel you anymore.
'Cause you've run through me with a destructive force.
I think somehow I gotta get it straight.
I gotta get you out of me.
But I cannot get through to you.


See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath.
See me I'm over the edge farther with every step.
See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath.
Standing over the edge.
I'm taking my last breath.

How I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to fade now.
And how I feel like I'm starless.
I'm hopeless and greyed out.
Somehow I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to fade now.
And now I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to burn out.

I can transcend you and mentally bend you,
But I cant handle the shit that I'm into.
I have been blinded and I'm always reminded,
Of the things I've wanted but I never could find.

I am part of a world that I hate,
I wish the end would come faster
My world's a disaster,
Cant you see that I'm down and I'm drowning?
And I cant keep my head above my wake.

See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath.
See me I'm over the edge farther with every step.
See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath.
Standing over the edge.
I'm taking my last breath.

How I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to fade now.
And how I feel like I'm starless.
I'm hopeless and greyed out.
Somehow I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to fade now.
And now I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to burn out.

I gotta get you out of my veins.
I gotta get you out of my blood.
I gotta get you out of my scene.
I gotta get you out of me.

What I'm really trying hard to get down to words,
Is the way I fit into this world.
Things I survived pushed me to the darker side.
Because of the life as it was,
The life that was your's,
Should've been mine

But I never could take anymore of this
'Cause I'm always gonna get,
Gonna get down to the floor.
It's a cold gun that I kiss.
'Cause I cannot break anymore.


Somehow I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to fade now.
Thats how I feel when I'm starless.
I'm hopeless and greyed out.
Somehow I feel like I'm starless.
I'm ready to burn out.
Oh, now I'm starless.

a falling star


:: 2005 22 February :: 7.14 pm
:: Mood: envious

Sometimes i wonder how much people really understand me. how long have my friends known me? three years at the most. and ive only know them three years at the most, save caroline and julia. a lot of the time this makes me feel really alone. i know that my friends who went to hutton had this "group" and they are pretty much inseperable. what if i had gone to hutton, thats what i wonder sometime. maybe its good that i didnt go, being a freakish looking loser for about seven years. or maybe that never would have happened. maybe i would have had friends, and not been a loser depressed wierdo who dreams of death. but what would it have done for me? im still that person know, i just look different on the outside. i doubt i would have gotten accepted into thier group, people change with time. it makes me feel so lonely to know that all my best friends have such deeper and stronger relationships with this "group" that ive never really felt included in. they probably dont realize this sort of subconcious exclusion, and why should they? they all have a foundation that isnt likely to break anytime soon. don't they realize how lucky they are? sure, i have a lot of friends. but how may truely good ones? besides the bennetts? yea, thats what i thought. i dont have foundation because i came into seventh grade skeptical of everyone. i couldnt trust anyone, i didnt have any friends, i was short, chubby, had ugly teeth and glasses. it took me two years to trust the people that i knew best, and i still dont completely trust them. is that whats holding me back from this group? perhaps im still holding onto those old fears of being alone,being excluded and unwanted,the ones that a little girl entering public school for the first time walked into a whole new life with. i get asked a lot why i talk to so many people, and i never really could answer that until now. its because the more people i have around me, the more secure and wanted i feel. and when i dont have people around me, when this "group" is having fun without me, i feel like i should just ball up in a corner, and leave them at peace. they tell me im being stupid about this, but how could they understand?

1 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 21 February :: 2.46 pm

weeeeeeeeeeeeee jake gyllenhaal is schmexy

a falling star


:: 2005 20 February :: 7.27 pm
:: Music: watching napolean dyamite

rachels thing was pretty cool...morgan is my belgian waffle with strawberrys and whipped cream..oooh delicious. so we all had this late night..or..early morning thing til about 4 am..talking about such intellectual subjects as Mr Kenlien and how we dont like the texture of bananas.....

a falling star


:: 2005 19 February :: 3.32 pm
:: Mood: amused

i am at amandas, and i kindly just posted for her;. alex threw a ferrero rocher at her and it was funny ahhahaha......vivi is playing super mario..from the 80s! aND apparently there is a GUY who goes to LC named alex burgh...and fabio died. alex has fabio flavored gold fish

a falling star


:: 2005 18 February :: 10.52 pm
:: Mood: annoyed

ok, whoever wrote that comment, screw off. its my journal,and if i dont want to write down my freaking entire life for all to see, then i wont. i put the songs in here because they mean something to me, and if they dont to you then i still dont care. if you don't want songs on peoples journals, then get your own and don't put any songs in it.

a falling star


:: 2005 18 February :: 5.28 pm

Farewell, good-bye
god knows we tried
our union so unsure
could never endure

(Chorus) So we turn the page
say good-bye and walk away
from everything
that we worked so hard to save


Brought down by our storm
our eden is no more
but we were so lost in love
that we never found resolve


(Chorus) So we turn the page
say good-bye and walk away from everything
that we worked so hard to save
I don't wanna start all over and try and find another shoulder to lean on
cause yours made me feel safe Now you're moving on
this is my blessing
please stay strong

for what it's worth
I'm wishing you the best

6 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 18 February :: 3.09 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Let Me Go-3 Doors Down

I dont know what to do. ive done everything short of buying new furniture today, and im all out of solo-activies. i even organized my sisters side of the bathroom. a tennis meeting is on tuesday, and i have hardly practiced at all. Thanks to my mom and dad for their wondeful unsupportiveness! all i ask is they drive me to the Raquet club, or wherever, just as long as i can practice, you know? but nooooo this is what i got: "why the hell do you play tennis? you didnt even like tennis a few years ago, and now you gave up gymnastics for something that stupid? at least when you run you loose wieght." that was actually my mom, my dad doesnt really care, which is also so nice.

a falling star


:: 2005 17 February :: 10.46 pm
:: Mood: blank

Kill me slowly...

1 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 16 February :: 6.08 pm


In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through


In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go, let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside

I know, I know
But all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know who I am

(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know me

1 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 16 February :: 5.47 pm

I waste my time away
never see me breath again
I don't want to be the burden anymore
Dont look at me
You wont see me breath again
I dont know where to go
I dont want to be here anymore
I dont want to be the burden anymore
Dont look at me
You won't see me breath again

2 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 14 February :: 5.25 pm

everyone who is sick of mike gerety say "I"

15 catch | a falling star


:: 2005 12 February :: 1.30 pm

Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain

Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

Stuttering
Cold and damp
Steal the warm wind
Tired friend
Times are gone
For honest men
And sometimes
Far too long
For snakes
In my shoes
A walking sleep
And my youth
I pray to keep
Heaven send
Hell away

No one sings
Like you
Anymore

Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear

1 catch | a falling star

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