-And something's breaking up. I feel like giving up. I won't walk out until you know..


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:: 2003 22 July :: 5.22 pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: ~*Creed*What If*~

~*This little untitled story of mine*~
Hey guys. For the past couple days I have been working on a story which i'm quite proud of. I have gotten really good reviews from all of my friends about it so far, these are just some of the more dramatic ones.
Ivan and Renee rave, "sexy sexy!" ; "this is better than harry pothead books!"
Erin says, "together we are great bobshakers!"; "doooood...so....awesome!"
kathy says "XD creepy!"
bryan says "make them have sex!"
~~ you get the point. check it out just to humor me and i wanna see what you think if anybody actually takes the time to read it because its quite long. im making it novel length if possible. i hope you people like it..regular journal entries will be discontinued depending on how long it takes me to finish the story. i might start them up again sooner if my story is THAT long. if not then ill see you when i'm done writing it! new parts will be added as they are completed. take care guys, Steph-


This isn?t some happy go lucky story with fairy tale elements such as dragons and queens, or princesses with golden hair and glorious castles of enchantment. Whatever the fuck that means. Because the truth is, life just isn?t as enchanting as any of us wish to believe. So if you think this is going to be some fairy tale where the hero rushes in at the last minute and saves the day for everyone, and everybody lives happily ever after, you my friend are sadly fucking mistaken. So if that?s what you?re looking for, I suggest you don?t even bother reading this or else you?ll be really fucking disappointed.
Minuscule drops of water fuse to the outside of my bedroom window, and the sky is black, complimenting the calm, dank surroundings of the outside world. I sit huddled in the corner of my room at my small fold-up computer chair, surfing the internet and looking for somebody worth talking to, to sign online. I glance over at the phone and I?m guessing that Erin forgot to call because it?s been almost three hours since I last talked to her and she promised to call when she was on her way back from bowling with Robert and his crew. No worries. I extend my arm and shut off my laptop. Then leaning up against my chair, I crack my back and get up to walk over to my bed. Mike was already asleep so I decided to go downstairs and get a glass of water, thinking he wouldn?t miss me anyway. I slowly crept down the stairs and into the kitchen.
The tile felt bitter cold compared to my body temperature. I reached up to the cabinet and pulled out a glass, then walked over to the refrigerator. For a brief second when I turned around to head back upstairs to my bedroom, I could have sworn I saw the reflection of something in the kitchen window. I felt the hair on my arms begin to stand up, so I hurriedly stuck the miniature water cooler back into the fridge. My heartbeat quickened as I heard a door shut somewhere behind me inside of the house. My hand involuntarily slams down on the kitchen counter to catch myself as I spin around and back up against the counter. I tell myself to calm down, and that everything will be all right. I remind myself of the promise I made to myself and everyone else. That it?s been almost over a year since he came back, since he? I start to hear footsteps and my blood freezes up inside of me. The air feels thin and I go to clutch my heart with one hand and my mouth with the other to avoid screaming and drawing attention to whoever or whatever it may be. Then, with my heart pounding inside of me eighty miles per minute I look to my right at the set of knives on the corner of the kitchen counter. They seem a million feet away but it?s worth the try I?m sure.
I feel my hand as it creeps leisurely across the pink incandescent marble counter top. Still, I can hear my heartbeat quicken. I take up the largest knife I can spot into the palm of my hand, the handle feeling so inviting, and hold it against my heart before returning my eyes to the corner of the kitchen right beyond the refrigerator where I could no longer see what was going on in the boundaries of the other room. My body quivers and my feet feel like they are about to collapse beneath me as I start to walk reluctantly towards the fridge. It almost feels like the world has stopped moving. I hear the sliding glass door slam shut from the living room, and every bold nerve in my body dissolves.
I start to back up, checking in all directions every few seconds to make sure I don?t have any company. Suddenly I back into something a few inches behind me and twirl around in shock.
?Fuck!!!? I exclaim to myself.
It was just the bottom of the staircase. I gather up my breath again and decide to walk back into the kitchen since the scene was quiet. All at once I heard footsteps throbbing against the ground close to me and I didn?t even have time to think before I was lifted off of my feet and held up against the wall. I struggled against the dark figure, and let out a high-pitched scream that rang throughout the house.
The mysterious figure lurking throughout the house at this hour was Mike. I couldn?t think straight and it was hard to figure out whether I was relieved or angry. I just glared up at him and his beaming grin quickly changed to a straight, somber face. I pounded the backside of a fist into his chest.
?You fucking retard! What the hell is your problem you scared the shit out of me you asshole! What the fuck were you thinking?? I screamed at him.
?Relax baby will ya? I was just fuckin? around. What?s gotten you so riled up?? Mike asked caressing the left side of my face with his palm.
I took a deep breath and sighed to myself, looking up at him and then wrapping my arms around him and placing my head over his shoulder. I felt one of his arms come up from behind me and rub my lower back continuously. I closed my eyes and my breathing went back to normal and I could feel my heart beating steadily again, not racing. The tiredness I had been feeling earlier was starting to catch up with me and I yawned into the cotton fabric of his t-shirt.
?I?m not sure, I?ve just been feeling a little tense lately. Besides, what were you doing lurking around on the patio? Make sure you locked the sliding glass door again.? I said.
He looked up at me with this puzzled expression on his face, like he had no idea what I was talking about. I shrugged my shoulders, turned my back, and started walking upstairs to my bedroom. Something Mike said stopped me in the process though.
?What?? He asked with that same vacant tone in his voice.
I stepped down once and cupped his chin in my hand playfully shaking it from side to side.
?When you decided to play little Mr. Creepy man and scare the crap out of your beloved girlfriend.?
I smirked at him and then started back up the stairs at a jog. I reached the top of the staircase and noticed that he wasn?t following me.
?But... I was upstairs the entire time. I just got up, then I went into the bathroom to take a piss.? He said without hesitation.
I would guess that he saw my reaction to that statement because he quickly responded once again.
?That?s?why I came from the stairs..? His voice trailed off.
I tossed and turned to the point where I was falling off of my bed, but there was still no indication of me being able to get to sleep any time soon. I felt beads of sweat begin to form across my chest and I tossed my head back and forth against my pillow, sometimes pushing myself back against the mattress like it would actually get me somewhere. I opened my eyes for the first time and looked up at the fan. The glistening white blades were mesmerizing to my eyes which up until then, was the first time within approximately two hours that I had seen something else besides the inside of my eye lids. I felt another warmth coming from the opposite side of the bed. I turned my head to the right and saw mikes backside. It felt like old times. Sneaking him through the window at all hours of the night just to say goodnight, and sometimes even locking the bedroom door and having him sleep over. It was all of the nights when it was even better with the feeling of being insubordinate.
Now that we?re all away at college most of the time it takes all of the fun out of having people sneak in the house to spend the night. I?m at the dorm a huge fraction of the time and the only reason I?m home now is to watch the house while my parents are away for a few weeks. They wouldn?t care anyway now because I have the concession of just having people come and go as they please. Its almost ironic how the whole effect of the act is completely different when you know you?re going to get your ass beat for doing it. It takes all of the fun away. I don?t know why I?m thinking of all of this now, but I am for whatever reason. Maybe it?s my one last desperate attempt to fall asleep, but once the memories start to linger everything else just follows. Now I feel like I have something worth thinking of for another hour or so just because I can. Nice going Steph.
I slid closer to mike?s side of the bed and I heard him make a low growling noise in his sleep. I couldn?t help but smile. All I want in life is to be happy. That?s all I?ve really wanted for the longest time since I can remember how things have been the past two years. In a way nothing has changed even when I thought it has. Sometimes if you?re clever enough you can train yourself to disregard something. Some dark forbidden piece of your past that?s been concealed in the corner of your mind for it seems like an eternity. Those kind of memories always find a way to come back to haunt you no matter how much you think you got rid of them. There?s an old saying that goes, ?If you kill someone, make sure they?re dead before you bury them.? Well I have my own little phrase that goes something equivalent to, ?Even afterwards, if the memory still lingers in your mind. Something wasn?t very dead.?
Maybe that?s the reason why I haven?t been able to get a decent amount of sleep in the last couple of weeks. I can?t help but think about the past, even the most horrible parts. Well damn, that means its all my fault. My parents would kill me if they thought paying for all that therapy was for nothing. I try counting sheep but there?s no use. What the fuck is wrong with me? Who was in my damn house tonight? What did they want? Why can?t these thoughts all just leave me the hell alone already dam nit?! I look over at mike again and he?s still sound asleep. What?s wrong with him!? Can?t he hear the screaming?! I play it off smooth and ?accidentally? ram myself into him, knocking him off of the bed. I hear a groan from beneath me and I lean over the side innocently looking into his eyes and say
?Sorry baby I guess I?ve turned into quite the rough sleeper?
He squints his eyes at me, rubs his chapped lips together, and pushes down on the bed then pulls himself back up. At least I?m not so alone anymore. Still it kind of feels that way. He must have been having some sort of nightmare that he doesn?t feel like discussing because his chest is glistening with little droplets of sweat that just feeds to the inconsistency of my own current mood. I pull some of the fallen blanket back onto the bed, onto my side, and watch as it sticks to his stomach on the way over. I pull myself up along side of him again, with his body facing the opposite direction of my own. Then I place my arm over his hips as he lies on his side, and once again I hold an epic battle with myself, trying to get back to sleep.
I see something red shining through my eyelids. It's the alarm clock on my bedside table. My throat is dry and my arm cramps from sleeping on it for hours. At least I finally got some sleep, so I?ll take what i can get. The first light of the day peeks through the blinds of my window and bounces off of the white bedroom wall behind me, merely lighting up the rest of the room. I close my eyes for a few moments and then as soon as I open them again Mike and I are face to face.
"Morning." Mike said as he brushed the side of my face with the palm of his right hand.
I made a light moan and then scooted down and nuzzled my head against his stomach. I looked up at Mike who was still trying to wake up completely and I slowly batted my eyes to do the same. I leaned my head down again and stared at the white wall. I felt one of his hands run up my inner thigh, and that's where he rested it, occasionally running his hand back and forth. I shook myself awake calmly and then placed my hand on top of his.
"Alright stud I have to get in the shower. You can watch TV or do whatever, you know the drill already." I said, kissing him on the cheek, patting the hand upon my thigh and pushing the covers down off of myself.
As I rose out of my bed I felt two strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me back down onto the mattress. I looked over at a grinning Mike and flipped over so that we were stomach to stomach.
"Why don't you take a shower when I?m finished with you?" He said with a puppy-like expression as I started to lean up on top of him.
"So that I can be clean when you start with me." I winked at him and stood up once again, adjusting my t-shirt and bra.
I touched the lamp on my bedside table to turn it on, and again to brighten it. Then I walked over to my dresser and took out a pair of khaki colored jeans with brown ties all the way down on each side, making a slit appearance, and a baby blue v-cut tank top from my bottom drawer. I reached my arms up over my head and yawned. Then, I lifted off my beige t-shirt from over my head and tossed it in the corner of the room. I looked into the mirror in front of me and I saw mike get up off of the bed and walk towards me. I felt his hand as he ran it along just inside the rim of his boxers I had borrowed from him. One at a time, he slid my bra straps off of each of my shoulders with his other hand, and kissed each shoulder twice. I turned my head around and looked at him and then he leaned in, pressing his lips against mine. Then I pulled my face back slowly and he pulled my waist against his while he was kissing the back of my neck. I sighed and then locked my lips with his again.
"You think we've ever done it in the shower?" He whispered with a smirk on his face.
My eyes lit up and I turned around and kissed him once again, wrapping my arms around his neck impatiently. He then took each of my arms and put them beside my waist and backed up a few steps, placing his index finger over my lips. I could hear my heart racing again.
"Now, now...Don't you wish we would?" He said as he started walking over to the door. Then he opened it, looked back at me and said, "Who said I couldn't be a tease as well?"
With that he left the room. I stood there for what seemed to be the longest time, still half undressed, and I looked at the closed bedroom door with disbelief. I knew that he was standing right outside of the room because I saw his shadow underneath the crack of the door.
"Ugh! Loser!" I shouted at him through the door. I heard him start to chuckle and I bent over, picked up one of his sneakers from the floor under the dresser, and hurled it at the door.
I turned my attention away from the door as I heard footsteps going down the stairs. I then slid off the boxers I was wearing, followed by the bra that was already falling off thanks to Mike and his guilty pleasures. I gathered up the clothing from around my feet, and tossing them into the corner with my t-shirt I stepped into the bathroom and flicked the light switch on. I rubbed my eyes and went into the bathroom cabinet right next to the door, to fetch a towel for myself, and then hung it up onto the towel rack by the mirror. I closed my eyes, took my hair down and shook my head a few times until it fell into place across my shoulders. Then I heard some type of low creaking noise but i decided to ignore it since my nerves have been all out of whack quite recently anyway. Walking over to the shower I couldn't help but tilt my head sideways and stare at the baby-blue shower curtain hanging in front of the shower. There was something behind it that made right down the center of the curtain, a shade darker than it's supposed to appear.
It was definitely a shadow. Chills automatically shot up and down my spine in a hideous frenzy and when i leaned over and reached my hand into the shower to turn the nozzle on, my hand hit something stiff and cold. I felt my heart jump up into my throat and I hesitated to start sliding the curtain open. All at once I took a deep breath and tore away quickly at the shower curtain.
There, hanging lifelessly from the showerhead support was the corpse of a young girl who looked to be about sixteen or seventeen years old. She was hanging over a thick pool of blood, her body split from sternum to groin with her intestines hanging as limp as a wilted flower. Her eyes had been removed from her head and then smashed upon the wall behind her. Her eye sockets were still dripping with blood and her body, suspended by the neck on a rope, would faintly swing from side to side causing a creaking noise every time the rope would rub against the wet metal of the shower head support. There were maroon slits all along her arms and legs and her lips were curled up almost like an eerie smirk was made across her face.
Instinctively I shot backwards and fell to the floor screaming as loud and as high as I could. Then I clawed my way across the carpet over to the toilet bowl and disposed of everything I had eaten for the past week it seemed. Still, nobody came into the room. I pushed myself up using the carpet and whatever strength I had left in my body after witnessing such a morbid sight, and ran out of the bathroom, expecting my bedroom door to fly open. I stopped myself by slamming myself up against the dresser and having no control over my fingers, dialed 911 as quick as possible. My stomach was churning inside of me and it seemed like it wasn't soon enough before the operator answered. I don't even know if my directions were clear, I doubt it. I couldn't hear myself think through the shock and all of the pictures that were running through my head. I held my hand against my head and leaned up against the wall, speaking everything I knew to the woman on the other end of the telephone. I slid down the bedroom wall with the phone still in hand, and then when I heard a click on the other end I leaned up and slammed the phone back on the hook. My heart felt like a stampede inside of my body which was now covered with chill bumps and I felt almost as cold and stiff as the body inside of the shower.
Gradually, I stood up again and peered at myself through the mirror at my dresser. My face was white, my lips looked chapped and pale, and sweat started to collect around my forehead, a tiny drop slid from my forehead to the tip of my nose. I swallowed hard and tried to bring myself back together again. I thought to myself, "Where the fuck is Mike?"
I felt a lump in my throat again and I must have swallowed approximately five times to keep everything down. Then I crept over to the sliding bathroom door, and pushed it shut, locking the hinge from the outside as if something were to come attack me from inside of the bathroom. Hey, it's not every morning you wake up to find a mutilated body hanging in your shower, I figure anything is possible at this point. I thought about it more and more and all that I could picture in my head was that lifeless corpse, and that empty facial expression with those eye sockets black as night peering out at the world, at me. Who could have done such a thing? She looked so young, well, what was left of her. I tried to hold myself together for when the police arrived because I was sure they would be asking me every question in the book and then some and at this point I had no idea how I was going to respond. I rehearsed to myself as I turned the bedroom doorknob and pulled open the door.
"Okay, my boyfriend Mike had just left the room. I was undressing to take a shower and then I stepped into the bathroom. I heard a creaking noise and when I looked into the mirror I thought I saw a shadow or something inside of the shower through the shower curtain. Then, when I opened the curtain to see what it was, there she was, just hanging there. I fell to the floor and threw up, and that's when I rushed into my bedroom and called?. Right. That?s good. Okay.? I said to myself and pulled the bedroom door open.
In that instant there was a force up against the door from the outside of the bedroom and the door flew open, knocking me onto the carpet. Mike stood up for a moment in front of me and at first I looked at him bewildered, and then that?s when I noticed blood seeping from inside of his mouth, and a drop fell down his stiff, blue lower lip. Then his legs just seemed as if they?d buckled beneath him, and he fell on top of me. I pushed him off as quickly as I could, and then I just looked at him for a moment. He had a knife in his back, I only knew because just the handle was exposed to the eye. I hastily got up and ran again to the dresser, grabbing the phone and glancing down again at mike with tears starting to fill my eyes.
?Oh god, baby I?m so sorry? I muttered in a whisper under my breath, and before the first sob gathered up in my throat I ran out the door.
I didn?t take my eyes away from my feet as I rushed downstairs, and down the hallway towards the front door. I heard a siren from outside and I took a deep breath and just as I was about to turn the doorknob, a fist was rapidly pounding at the door. Startled, I jump back and then reached in again and opened the door for three middle-aged men, one police officer and two paramedics. The police officer motioned towards the staircase and then turned to one of the paramedics.
?Upstairs boys, hurry up.? He ordered them and then placed his hand on my back.
For a moment I just couldn?t take my eyes off of the floor and then I looked up after them and shouted, ?Two doors to the left. There will be a man on the floor, I think he?s dead? I choked out to them as I noticed one stop to listen.
?And?? I started. ?She?s in the shower.?
I looked over at the officer as he glanced back at me baffled. I held my hand in the direction up the hallway as to lead him before me, and he started walking. I pulled out a chair for him at the kitchen table, and then took a seat across from him. We both sat in silence for a few minutes and then he asked me some questions that were only "mandatory" according to the world of him.
"Maam, if i'm not mistaken, over the phone during your call you said that there was only one body, the female. Where does this male on the floor fit into all of this?" He asked almost as if he were suspicious of something.
I stared up at him from holding my head with my elbow leaning on the table, and I could feel my eyes start to water up again.
"I'm not a killer. So if you have anything else to coincidently ask me about what happened I suggest you think long and hard as to what it is before you do so. Sir."
"Now maam, I wasn't insinuating that you had anything to do with this tragedy, an innocent bystander is all I accuse you of here, but if you wish for us to get to the bottom of this you're going to have to try and cooporate in a more sincere manner. Now, I know this must be difficult for you but try to understand.." The officer replied placing one of his hands over mine on the table.
I stared at his hand and then up at him, then I stood up and walked over in front of him, looking down upon him.
"You don't know the half of it. You want sincere? Go to a fucking poetry reading you sick fuck. All I know is that my boyfriend is upstairs and he isn't breathing, and if you don't find the bastard who did this then with all sincerity intended I will rip out your intestines myself and feed them to you through a straw." -
"That bastard." I said putting my feet up against the wall of my cell.
Ivan sat on the other side of the steel bars on a bench a few feet away from me hunched over with his hands on his lap.
"I'm going to rip out your intestines and feed them to you through a straw? Now, that's a classic. I still can't believe you said that to an officer." He said laughing under his breath and shaking his head at me.
"Yeah, well I was upset." I replied, kicking the wall with my left foot.
"You were insane, not upset." He laughed again.
I sat up to look at him and leaned my head against the bars. The air was cold and thin and the smell of this place could be tracked down from miles away. This wasn't where I wanted to be but apparently I posed as a threat or whatever to that jackass officer of theirs who showed up at the house. He called for back up and they took me here to this house of anal crazyness. He couldn't handle me himself I guess, something the rest of the guys at work would love to hear. A 5'3 nineteen year old girl posed a threat to what seems to be a late thirtys early fortys two hundred pound tub of lard. The irony of it all.
"You know I love you to death sis, but seriously if you don't calm your white ass down this aint' gonna' be the only place they lock you up. In all honesty this shit looks just a lil' suspicious. Now I'd never go and accuse my baby sis of murder, but these people, they don't know you and the scene was pretty fucked up." Said Ivan again, kneeling down beside me on the opposite side of my cell.
A tear rolled down my cheek and I felt that I had to convince myself that Ivan was right. I really had no other choice. Even though he was there I felt this feeling of lonliness come over me, I couldn't separate one thought in my mind from another and it was all just falling on top of me at once. I sucked up another sob to the back of my throat and continued speaking with Ivan.
"So when can I go home?" I asked desperately.
Ivan looked up at me and then at the guard by the door who was now pointing to his watch and sneering down at Ivan, then me as well. Ivan flicked him off and the guard glared and shook his head.
"I don't know sis, soon. They said they're gonna' draw up some paperwork for me to fill out and I can bust you out of there. Don't you worry about a thing, just try to relax and eveything will be okay."
I stared down at the floor and then at the wall as a single tear rolled down the side of my cheek.
"That's the hardest thing for me to believe right now Ivan. I have no idea who that young girl in the shower was, and Mike's dead." The words could hardly escape my lips.
"Well that must suck."
I sat there still, staring down at the tile and agreeing with that statement with a slow head movement for a few seconds and then I realized that I knew that voice. It wasn't Ivan's. I looked up and Mike was standing in the doorway leaning up against the wall with a large bandage wrap around his chest and his back. He looked straight at me and knocked on the wall three times with his knuckles.
"Can I come in?" He said with hardly a smile across his face.
He could hardly walk, but even so he struggled with a limp in his movement and a wince in his eyes as he came slowly inside of the room. I couldn't think. I just threw myself up against the bars longingly.
"Mikey!" I screamed out loud, reaching out for him as he came closer. "I thought you were..You were..But you were, You were.." The words seemed to tumble out of my mouth faster than I could even think about them.
"Shhh, Baby it's alright I'm here. You didn't seriously think that I'd leave you? A person's gotta have a reason to live in this world." He said softly, hugging me through the bars.
I wrapped my arms as tight around him as I could seeing as there were still the steel bars that separated us both. I felt him flinch and I remembered where he was stabbed, so I quickly apologized and gently caressed my hand over the wounded area. I opened my eyes and looked down at Ivan who was staring at mike in complete astonishment. Then, Mike turned around and slapped Ivan on the back.
"Oh you motha' fucka. Do us all a favor and warn us when you're gonna fake your own death alright. You almost got yo girly here intercepted by authorities for a long ass time bro, she went all crazy and shit and bitched out a police officer for yo corpsy ass."
Mike stared at me and snickered. He hugged Ivan and then stood up against the wall so that he had something to lean on, now that even standing up was a challenge. Ivan stood up and told Mike to sit down on the bench. A man dressed in uniform came into the room and handed Ivan a small stack of paperwork. I stood up light hearted and asked, "So does this mean I can go now?"
He swung a ring of keys around on his finger and once he lifted his head I could see under his hat that it was the officer who came to the house. I knew I didn't have a chance talking to him without combusting into flames and getting myself into deeper shit so to save myself the trouble I took a seat again on the concrete stool inside of my cell. My cell? Wow, I never thought I'd have to hear myself say that ever. Hi mom and dad.
"Not so fast maam, these papers are to be reviewed and then I'll be back with you when I get the apropriate approval." He said motioning for Ivan to follow him out the stood.
I abruptly flew up from the concrete stool and watched as they both started to walk out the door. I wanted to bitch his punk ass out so badly but I saw that look in Mike's eyes signaling for me to lay off. I looked at Mike and smiled, But it wasn't like that on the inside. I was afraid. He's lucky to be alive, and I don't know what I would have done if whoever did that to him was still in the house after I had found him. Right now, he or she might have even been there still while the police arrived. Just hiding. Waiting. I couldn't think of that right now though. Renee came waltzing through the door with high spirits as always, and she looked over at Mike.
"Well hey there dead boy!" She said as she slapped his knee. Then she turned to me and shook her head.
"How are they treatin' you in there derk? If I knew everything was alright I probably would have stayed home. I just figured I'd come in, say hi to old Mikey right here and check to make sure if you uh, still had only one asshole." She doubled over in laughter.
"Yeah real funny. How's that going for you?" I asked. Renee raised her eyebrow and I continued.
"Oh you know, you and Ivan's late night bondage adventures. Tales of the big burly black man and his conquet violet." I laughed.
"God steph I told you not to talk about that. You know it's a no touchy subject." Renee replied rolling her eyes and standing up against the wall. Ivan walk back in with a bag of skittles and her eyes shot across the room.
"You." Renee said in a whisper.
"Oh no you don't bitch. You buy your own dam shiyat you crackwhore." Ivan replied.
Renee lunged at him and punched him in the shoulder.
"Damn right I will. Give me money." Renee snapped at Ivan.
Ivan reached over into one of Renee's front pockets on her black jacket and pulled out her wallet. renee snatched it back and sneered at him.
"I got mine. I want yours."
Ivan rolled his eyes and stuffed a dollar down her shirt. Renee jumped up in mid-air and clicked her feet together.
"Awesome." She said enthusiastically.
"You're such a weirdo." Mike implied scratching underneath the front of the bandage wrap across his back.
"I'll let you call me weird when I come back from the dead. Til' then. Shut the freck up white boy." Renee said as she patted Mike on the head and bounced out of the room.
Ivan slapped her ass on the way out and she turned around beaming at him. Then, she slapped him on the face and continued bouncing down the hallway. Ivan just stood there in the hallway. He turned towards Mike and I, and said, "If I'm not needed here any longer, I'm gonna follow the black girl."
He then disappeared from the doorway and his shoes squeaked down the hallway until the noise became faint and soon mute. Mike pushed down on the chair so that he could stand, and he limped over to the cell. I had my head in my hands and I was staring down at the floor dozing off.
"Hey. Everything's gonna be okay. I wont let anything happen to you so long as I'm standing on this planet and in the event that I get shot off into space I'll try to attatch myself to a lead rope." Mike said sarcastically.
I laughed and stood up against the bars, pressing my forehead in between two of them. He kissed my forehead and held my hand through the bars.
"We'll make it through this, you'll see. Just wait and see what-
I tilted my head up at him to try and understand what he was saying but he choked on those last words and I stood back as I saw blood flowing from his mouth. The silver blade of a knife passed through his work shirt and the bandgage underneath and appeared right in front of me.
"Mike!!!!!!!!!!!" A shrill scream that could easily be heard from miles and miles away escaped me as I slid to the floor along with his limp body. I started sobbing uncontrollably as a figure wearing a black trench coat and hood started to show up behind Mike as he fell closer to the ground. I hit the floor still sobbing and screaming and backed up against the wall as far as I could but still holding onto Mike's hand which was now getting colder and colder by the second. My eyes felt swollen and my nerves were completely destroyed as I watched Mike take his last few gasps of breath, and then leave me.
I looked up once again and the figure had vanished. I stopped sobbing for just a moment to look around carefully. There were no guards or anything, not even the one who was standing by the door watching my cell. It was like everybody had just disappeared with the mysterious, murderous stranger. Still, none of that mattered to me right now. I pulled myself as close as I could to where I felt like I was crushing myself into the bars. All i wanted was to hold him. I placed my hand over his heart and he startled me by looking up at me one last time. I could tell he was dilerious.
"Sh. It'll be okay, you'll....see." He tried to manage but the words were a challange to release.
He just kept looking into my eyes and he tried to smile. He touched the side of my face with the backside of his left hand and immediately I lifted my own hand up to his and just held it there. His smile widened as I watched him cough up more blood. I screamed again for help but nobody came. I looked down at him and tried as hard as I could to hold in another sob, and stay calm. I showed a fake smile and said, "You're right baby, it'll...all be alright." I know that his eyes saw right through me though, as if they could speak to me without a sound.
I sobbed once more under my breath and held his hand tight, with my other hand still lying on top of his chest. Then I saw a sort of liquid glaze over his eyes, and he spoke to me once more.
"You're there, I know you are. Steph, where did you go? Everything's so muddled...Steph..." He said in a raspy whisper.
"Shhh.. I'm hear baby, don't talk, don't say a word." I replied and kissed his hand.
"It hurts."
That was the last thing he said to me. His head sloped to the side and his chest sunk for the last time. I cried to myself, and to what used to be him lying next to me on the other side of the bars.
"Mikey? Mikey? Breathe damnit...please breathe baby..." I gagged on my words and wiped my eyes. I rested his hand on top of his chest and I stood up and looked around, only to fall to the floor screaming obscenities at the empty room.-
I shot up in my bed shrieking and took a deep breath as I felt my pillow with my hand. It was covered in cold sweat. The sheets were sticking to my legs as I kicked them off. I looked up as my door swung open and Mike ran into the room, jumping onto my bed. He picked me up and placed me on his lap, and he leaned up against the headboard of my bed, rocking me back and forth.
"Shhh, what happened? What's wrong? You were just dreaming, relax sweety." He whispered to me, patting down my hair and brushing my bangs away from my face.
A dream, that was all that it was. A dream. I could hear my heart thumping and I held my head against his chest and listened to his for a brief moment. He gently pushed me back up so that i was sitting up beside him and he glanced down at the bed, and then again at me.
"You fell asleep at the station. Ivan took you out to the car and we drove you home. Then I carried you to bed. Do you remember any of this?" Mike asked placing his hand on my thigh.
"It makes sense. The last thing I remember was getting tired." I replied.
Mike smiled at me and then his expression went rather gaunt. He looked down at the bed once again, and that's where his eyes stayed for the longest time.
"I didn't..." He paused. "I didn't..tell anyone this yet. The girl in the shower, I saw her. Steph, I saw her when they carried her out and the paramedics were working with me. It was Annie, Steph. It was Annie. I couldn't...I couldn't think, I couldn't say anything. I wasn't even that sure. But some part of me knew, even though I didn't want to believe it." Mike sucked in a long breath.
His eyes watered a tad bit, but he blinked it away. My mouth must have dropped to the floor after he told me all of this. You see, Annie is..Was, Mike's younger sister. A flashback of the shower scene came into play in my mind and I held my eyes closed tightly. I remember now. To my reccollection she looked familiar from the start but I was in a state of shock and I guess I didn't know any better to think about it. I just wanted to get out of there. I felt my stomach lurching and I felt even worse for Mike. His parents had passed away and he had been left to take care of Annie. Every so often she would go to stay at their Aunt's house in Nebraska while Mike was still attending school. When he turned twenty-one the courts gave full custody of Annie to Mike, and she went back into highschool while he started college.
She looked up to him so much, as I guess every sister would if she doesn't have a brother who beats the shit of her just because he's older. They got along surprisingly well, all of their life together actually. The death of his parents in the crash, that just seemed to have brought them closer together. Now Mike really had no immediate family members left. He was all alone. No. He had me, and I'm sure everyone else will support him as well once they all know what's going on. The strangest thing is that I felt as If this person was out after me, but it hardly seems that way anymore. I'm just concerned for Mike's well being. I couldn't stop thinking about how torn apart he must be because of this. She was all he had left, I know he must feel that way. I leaned in and kissed him, then I hugged him as tight as I could.
"I'm so sorry Mikey. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but I know how much she meant to you and I'm just so sorry." I said trying to comfort him, If that's even possible.
"It isn't your fault. It's just gonna be hard for a while, trying to deal and everything. I don't know if I can go back home just yet, memories, you know?" He said under his breath.
I leaned back and faked a smile and smoothed his hair over with my hand.
"Just try to relax. I wish I could make it all better, I wish things didn't have to be like this but I'm trying my hardest to stay calm, for you and everyone else. I can't expect you guys to act natural if I'm flipping out." I said placing my hand on top of his.
"I know you're trying, even more than you should. We just need to help eachother out and we'll get through this." Mike said interwinding his fingers with mine.
"I'm just worried about you, you've already escaped death twice in one night." I thought about what I just said, and I noticed Mike looking at me with a rather inquisitive expression on his face.
Before he could say anything, I looked at him and said, "Nevermind."
He nodded his head with still, the same expression and said, "No problem."
I scrunched myself down into his arms and I felt a certain safety wash over me for the first time all day long. I tilted my head back to look up at him and tried to smile.
"I almost lost you today." I whispered closing my eyes.
I felt him bend down and press his lips against my forehead.
"Even so, I'll always find you."
I sat up and touched his face with my hand, kissing his lips and straddling one leg on each side of him. I fumbled my hands around to find his zipper in the dark, now that it was almost 10:30 at night. He leaned over and started kissing my neck, and his hands rested on my hips before he lifted one hand to slide my shirt over my head. He threw it on the floor, and smiled at me. I let my hair down and took his shirt off, dropping it on the floor next to my own. I kissed him around his neck, onto his shoulders and then around his chest in the spots that weren't covered by the bandage wrap. There was another bandage underneath the wrap, that was only over his back where he was stabbed so I gently broke the seal on the wrap and un wravled it from around his body, setting it on the bedside table.
I ran my hand over the second layer of bandage wrap on his back and I noticed Mike clench his teeth together. I kissed him again, nibbling playfully on his lower lip and pulling away. He grinned at me and flipped me over so that I was now lying underneath him. He trailed kisses from my lips, to my neck, and down my chest until he reached my stomach. Then he unbuttoned my jeans and tore away at them, tossing them on the edge of the bed. He brought his lips to mine again while his hand ran down my entire body, leaving chill bumps as he moved along. I felt his hand tug at my panties, and slip them down around my ankles. I kicked them off onto the floor with one of my feet. Then his hand came back up and he reached around my back, lifting the tiny hook that kept my bra closed. He slid off his own pants and his black satin boxers while I shook my arms out from under my bra straps and I shoved the bra underneath the baby blue pillow behind my head.
He just looked down at me, and then started kissing around my bellybutton, and then biting my inner thighs. I felt his tongue circle around one of his thighs, and I looked down at him and smirked. Then he lunged back up at me and I felt his hips slam hard up against mine. I let out a gasp, and then his lips were on mine again. I lifted my head from off of the pillow and held my hands on his shoulders while he placed his left arm around the nape of my neck. I lifted my legs up from the bed and pushing myself against Mike, I wrapped them around his hips. Being underneath the satin sheets became unbearably hot in a matter of minutes, and mike placed his head along side mine, breathing heavily next to my ear. Both our bodies would rise and fall again at the same exact pace, growing faster every now and again. With every lunge I felt myself being sent closer over the edge and then with a final thrust I felt Mike collapse along side of me. I turned on my side and moved closer to him, wiping off sweat that ahd formed around his forehead.
"I wuv you Mikey."
He just smiled and pulled me back into his arms, which is how the both of us fell asleep. The ringing of a phone woke me up and I cranked my neck around to peer at the alarm clock. It was a quarter after seven. I grumbled to myself and sat up using my elbow, and carefully leaned over Mike to reach for the cordless. I picked up the phone and fell back onto the bed beside Mike, who was still sound asleep.
"Hey honey!" A shrill voice came from the other end of the line.
"But of course! I'm so sorry to be calling you this early but I heard everything that happened, or at least I think everything. Renee called last night and explained most of it and I was going to call and check up on you guys but I figured I'd let you sleep since she said you kind of passed out up at the station."
"Passed out I was my friend. Mike and Ivan brought me home I guess."
"Ah. Gotcha. Anyway how are you doin?"
"I'm fine, you just got me up but it's alright I haven't been asleep long anyway."
"Gah! I'm sorry..."
"No don't worry about it, seriously I'm glad to hear from you. Where have you been?"
"I was babysitting for the Davis' again yesterday in the morning. They went out of town for a few days, for a wedding or something in Georgia. Anyway, they needed someone to watch Billy for them. I'm low on cash and tuision is a bitch as you know so i'm trying to get back up there again."
"Yeah I know what you mean."
"Anyway, I spent the whole night in an emergency room. I guess there was peanut butter or something smeared on the wall and the Davis' were having another phone line installed, anyway little Billy decided to stick his tongue in the electrical outlet again to lick the peanut butter out while I was in the bathroom."
"Whoa, wait...Again?"
"Don't ask."
"I feel so bad though. When I heard about everything I wanted to be up at the station, but I notified Billy's parents and there was no way that they could catch a plane back here last night."
"Don't worry about it, we have everything under control for the moment at least."
"You sure? Do you need anything?"
"Nah we're fine, thanks sis."
"No problem. Listen, I'll let you get some sleep and I'll either call back in a few hours or you can call me when you decide to get up."
"Alright, thanks hen. I love you, Bye."
"You too, bye hon."
I hung up the phone and stuck it in between the two pillows on the bed.

want saix?

:: 2003 21 July :: 3.26 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: smile empty soul-bottom of a bottle

quiz shit..here you go have fun losers.
0. What is your *Full Name*?Stephanie Rae Schneider...damn my middle name..damn it to hell
1. Nicknames? steffa,stephie,ferty,stefano,stef,pynkie,ducky,bitch dont do that (lol mike),and many moooore
2. Birthday? may 30
3. Age: 267
4. Sex: Female
5. Where do you live? FL
6. What school do you attend? piper
7. Siblings? one ..THING that lives in the bedroom next to me ::points in disguist::
8. Pets: 3 feeshys,1 snakey snakey,3 cats, 1 dog
9. Zodiac: gemini..ima die twice biatch
10. Righty or Lefty: righty

*********YOUR LOOKS*********
11. Hair color: dirty blonde and getting darker cus its just mutated like that.
12. Eye color: blue/green/gray..they change..im a psycho
13. Height: 5'-5'1
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? colored contacts sometimes..im getting red ones soon..heh
15. Do you have any piercing? yep and ima get many more.
16. Do you wear any rings? only 10 million
17. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? no

**********JUST LATELY***************
18. How are you today? how i am every other day. thanks for asking asshole.
19. What skirt/jeans are you wearing right now? baby blue gizmo pants
20. What shirt are you wearing right now? cherry shirt
21. What does your hair look like at the moment? up in a bun
22. What song are you listening to right now? that song thats something like..the worst is over..you can have the best of me..we got older..but were still young..we never grew out of this feeeling that we wont give up.
23. How is the weather right now? peachy
24. Last person you talked to on the phone? marcello
25. Last Dream you can remember? i was having lots of sex with ray..lol..no seriously...then something about fried rice and michael myers..::shrugs::
26. Who are you talking to right now? renee and zane
27. What time is it? 9:30

**********More about YOU!**************
28. What are the last four digits of your phone number? 9775
29. If u were a crayon, what color would you be? black probably
30. Have you ever almost died? the bunk bed! omg..lmao..yeah...but seriously...yes i have..mostly self inflicted though. heh. "spooooge"-my arm..lmao renee
31. Do u like the person that sent u this? well i got it from renee and yesh shes dayum sexy
32. How do u eat an Oreo? i hate oreos
33. What's the next CD you are going to buy? probably brand new
34. What's the best advice ever given to you? girl pull yoh drawers up n git outta dat ally he dun loOOooOve you!..k not really but i cant think of it...maybe if i really could remember the best advice given to me..i wouldnt be so fucked up.
35. Have you ever won any special award? not really..reading awards in like elementry..oh yeah and a best fake orgasm award! lmao...but..::slants eyes::...we dont TALK about THAT..
36. If there was one thing you could change about yourself what would it be? everything.
37. Where do you shop the most? broward..sawgrass mallz
38. How many kids do you want to have? 3
39. Son's name? mike,ryan,raymond,kenni
40. Daughter's name? alicia,jenny,kareen,natalie
41. Do you do drugs? no comment.
42. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? herbal esscenses...the orgasm shit. which is false advertising mind you fuckers.
43. What are you most scared of? rejection, losing the people i love
44. How many TV's do you have in your house? 4
45. Do you have your own tv? yep
46. Do you have your own phone line? nope
47. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? sometimes
48. Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? nope ima lucky bastard
49. Who do you dream about? i dont remember most of them..guys mostly cus im a hornified biatch who doesnt get as much as she deserves damnit!
50. Who do you tell your dreams to? hen sometimes or maybe mike..only a few times though
51. Who's the loudest friend you have? all of those damn dirty motherfuckers!
52. Who's the quietest friend? eric
53. Is cheerleading a sport? fuck..NO.
54. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? 84832968268963483264
55. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? they both shit eachother out at the same damn time. and thats the END of it goddamnit.

56. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? no
57. Do you have a crush? too many
58. Who is your crush? mikey,mike,zane,robby, and some unmentionables
59. Did you send this to your crush? no
60. Where would you like to go on your honeymoon? las vegas, the beach in sandiago
61. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? hair, bum
62. Do you find yourself attractive? no
63. Do you find yourself ugly? basicly
64. Do others find you attractive? uh...i dont ask

********ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only)************

65. Curly or straight hair? straight i suppose
66. Tall or short: taller then me at least
67. Six pack or muscular arms? muscular arms
68. Good or bad guys? good heart bad attitude
69. Hat or no hat? doesnt matter
70. tan or no tan? uh...tanner than me cus im the crypt keeper with my pale self
71. Dimples or not? not
72. Stubble or neatly shaven: duno
73. What sport should he play? skate boarding or blading

*************ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT (for guys only)**************
yeah i got rid of that section..why>? cus i can.

***********Pick One: THIS OR THAT**********
95. Lights on/off? Off..::licks lips:: ..lol
96. sun or rain? Rain
97. Mickey D's(McDonalds) or BK(Burger King)? mc donalds
98. Do u like scary or happy movies better? Scary
99. Backstreet Boys or NSYNC? neither
101. Paper or plastic? plastic
102. Sausage or pepperoni? Pepperoni
103. Summer or winter? winter
104. Hugs or kisses? kisses *kisses you SO hahd*
105. Chocolate or white milk: white
106. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: dr pepper..cus he makes the world taste better
107. Glass half full or half empty? half empty
108. Tape or DVD: dvd
109. Cats or Dog? doggyz
110. Vanilla or Chocolate? chocolate
111. Skiing or Boarding: Skiing
112. Day or night: Night
113. Cake or pie? amaaazing grace, come sit on muh face! dont maaaake me cry! i neeeed yoh pie! churry churry! beep beep! =) .... ...i have no idea..
114. Diamond or pearl: diamond
115. Sunset or sunrise: sunset

****************Your FAVS****************
116. Color: black or baby pink..oh the contrast
117. Food: italian or chinese food
118. Fast Food? mc donalds shit..double cheeseburger w/o onions...m&m mc flurry
119. Candy? twizzlers or shock tarts
120. Beverage? sprite or pepsi
121. Ice Cream Flavor? cookie dough
122. Sport? i HATE sports
123. Animal? i have to go with renee here...nyeom nyeom nyeom nyeom cus NOBODY can bug it like the steph bug bugz it!
124. number? 2,6
125. Radio Station? zeta or the buzz
126. Band or singer? msi and chester bennington
127. Fav. Actor or Actress? eliza dushku and brad pitt or jim carrey
128. Fav. day of the year? halloween
129. Fav. month? october
130. Tv show? everybody loves raymond,south park, crank yankers
131. Store? hot topic, styles, mosh pit
132. Scent? ..penis? lol jp i dunno
133. Teacher? Mr. ace and mrs. holland
134. Board Game? outburst probably
135. Saying? too many..the word fuck is just fine thankyou..any phrase associated with the word fuck.

************HAVE YOU EVER?*********
139. Ever gotten dumped? yes
140. Ran from the cops? yeah
141. Stole something? yep
142. Tried to kill yourself? yep
143. Made yourself throw up? yeah i still do
144. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? when iii was a young warthogggggggg.....(the crowd) when sheee was a young warthogggg!!!!!!

*********ONE FINAL NOTE*************
145. Do you like filling these out? only when im bored
146. Do you want your friends to write back? sure why not

> If your birthday is on...
> May 25th ~ June 3rd= Cream
Competitive and sportive. Don't like losing and always cheerful! You
are trustworthy, and very out going. You choose love carefully,
and don't fall in love easily. But once you find the right one, you don't let
go for a long time.
LMFAO...god thats everything im NOT. probably everything i wish i was though..or at least some of it...im constantly depressed even over the stupidest things in the world but i cant really help it..i guess it might be a chemical imbalance or something of that nature. im not competative at all. sportive? yeah right im the laziest bitch ever. i dont care if i lose because by now im used to it. ok so yeah im trustworthy...but oh well..again..im not cheerful all of the time..very rarely...im so stupid that i DONT choose my love carefully no matter how many times i get knocked on my fucking ass. i try to hold onto as many people as possible because i have an emormous insecurity and comfort issue. fuck..at least i can admit it.

You are Vlad the Impaler. The man behind the legend
of Dracula. You hanged your victims, stretched
them on the rack, burned them at the stake,
boiled them alive, but mostly impaled them.
Most of your killings were politically targeted
but sometimes you killed just because you were
bored. Your "reign of terror" lasted
from 1456 to 1462. Estimated numbers of victims
vary between 30,000 and more than 100,000.
Evil Evil man. Fie on you!

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Cartman!! You're fat and mean, but at least
you know how to suck up and always get your
way. Maybe someday you'll be rich but if
everyone get's annoyed of you there's always
cheezy poofs.

Which South Park kid are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Slutty Blossom.

If You Were A Deranged Powerpuff Girl, Which One Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
lmao…awesome. ::shakes head::


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damn skippy pippy! Heh

You are Audrey Hepburn. Sweet, chic, and ethereal
to the end.

What classic movie star are you?
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I am a drunken bum.

Which cat that thinks it's human are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Soroity Slut
You're Soroity Slut Barbie! You're easy and you're
really cheesy! Have fun with the entire
football team.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Im a acid dropping M&M with some serious purple

Which messed up drug addicted M&M are you?
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You are the EVIL tattoo:
Youre probably Goth or depressed or just really
fucked in the head. Either way, its cool that
youre at leasta true form of expression rather
than used as "an accessory to

What kind of tattoo are you?
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fuckity fuckity fuckity is I...... is....

How cRaZy is you?!?!?!?
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You're Party Boy! You sure do love to party!
Party Boy

What Jackass Guy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
does it mention anywhere that I just so happen to be THE sexiest bitch ever? ..cus..yeah..

How Would YOU Take Over the World?

You're Samora!!!! Please don't kill me!!!!

What Person From The Ring Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You like to keep it personal by looking him in the eyes the whole time...how sweet!
Johnny Come Quickly

What Sexual Position Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

KIT KAT...you're a tough customer...you don't take
no for an answer..."Gimme A Break, Gimme A

What Type of Candy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're pretty mean, but you don't quiet kill
people, but you do hate some.

How Hateful Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're just a broken doll...the depressed beauty,or
at least, that's your opinion...excluding the
beauty part of course. You don't see your own
beauty,but rather, are appaled by it. A
million people could stand on a soap box,
preaching to you about your goodness, your
beauty, and you purity, but you would ignore
them, taking there truths for granted. You're
more likely to slit your wrists than recognize
all th love people feel for you...so, all that
makes is a shell of what once was, and what
could be again.

What Kind of Person Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a seductive vampire. You lurer your
victims to you with your looks, and possibly
more...you have no conscience when it comes to
killing them...

What Kind Of Vampire Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I hate you so bad
you are the "I hate you so bad" happy
bunny. You hate everyone and eveything and your
not ashamed of it.

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

hundred whore

You Are "100% Quiz Whore"!

You write quizzes. You take quizzes. You even sometimes dream quizzes.

At this point, you have trouble answering questions that aren't multiple choice!

Your friends refresh your journal every five minutes to find the latest quizzes - even though it takes minutes to load.

You know your sex sign,
your sexual talent,
what kind of kisser you are, - and that you're a quiz whore.

Are You a Quiz Whore?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva


Your Hidden Sexual Talent is Getting People to Lick You Everywhere!

Your lovers will lick you *anywhere*

Oh yes.... even there!

A little kiss, a little suck.

You'll be clean before you fuck.

What's *Your* Hidden Sexual Talent?

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cherry lube

You Are Cherry Flavored Lube!

Innocent, romantic, and sweet.

You are the flavor most likely to have sex only after you fall in love.

You are the flavor least likely to talk about your sex life with others.

Sound yummy? Get Cherry Flavored Lube Here :-)

What Flavor Lube Are *You*?

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no protection

You have no protection baby!

You like it raw and hard.

You haven't even gotten a aids test yet. Eh, you should...

But who cares? Sex is natural, sex is fun.

Lets get it on with more then one!

What Kind of Birth Control Are You?

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yeah right..im not that stupid. Condoms thankyou very much. Urgh. Losers

chocolate condom

You Are A Chocolate Flavored Condom!

Addictive and totally decadent.

People are passionate about you - driven wild by your every move.

You are often an object of desire, although you're usually too much to handle!

What Flavor Condom Are *You*?

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oral master

You Are an Oral Master!

If going down were a class, you'd be an A+ student.

You've been known to do anything - from deep throat to ass licking.

Your oral can get almost anyone off...

Too bad you're not flex enough to try it on yourself!

How Oral Are *You*?

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What rating is your journal?

brought to you by Quizilla

You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.

How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I public-secretly suck my whole face in to my mouth
in a disgustingly morbid kind of way that Im
sure is very low key when I walk around town
like this.

What's your PUBLIC SECRET?!?!?!?!?!?
brought to you by Quizilla
LMFAO!!! That’s some scary ass shit …

You are a novelty zippo. Unique & original & stuff
like that or some junk.

What kind of lighter would you be?
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Cutting. Your depression can be found lingering on
the edge of a razor. An easilly hidden little
habbit that's often used as a subsitution for
crying. The blood is surprisingly hypnotic...

How do you deal with your depression?
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You are bisexual.

What is your sexual orientation?
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Middle-aged. You'll die from something unexpected,
just when your kids are going to college or
something great is happening. Cause Unknown.

At what age will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your Hottest Body Part is Your Breasts!

You use those babies to get your way in the workplace and in relationships.

You'll do anything to show them off from wearing push up bras to going very low cut.

And while men don't look you in the eyes right away, you've always got the upper hand.

Playboy should devote a special edition to you.

Whether they're natural or enhanced, average or huge, they're your best friends.

These friends never let you down.

Celebs who work their breasts as hard as you do include: Carmen Electra, Jenny McCarthy, Tyra Banks, and of course, Pamela Anderson.

Want to play up your breasts even more?

Two words: push-up bra.

Even though you've got it, it can't hurt to flaunt it more.

Another boost? Tank tops and low cut tops with bras built in.

What's Your Hottest Body Part??

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

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What kind of anime eyes do you have? (picture results)
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bye. -Stephanie

want saix?

:: 2003 19 July :: 1.21 am

just end it. take it all away and give it to somebody whose strong enough to deal because im up to my knees in pain that hurts so bad its almost impossible to feel. its blinding and i dont even know who i am anymore..who i can trust,...and i feel like nobody understands what it feels like. and i doubt anyone who even did could help. i try to tell myself its okay but i cant lie to myself or anyone else anymore because it just isnt and thats that. i cant think straight and my chest is pounding so loud that i can hear it the moment i stop sobbing. thats all that really goes on these past couple days...lots of sobbing and pity. none that i really want to have for myself but shit just happens. i dont feel bad for myself. i feel bad that im not doing anything about it..then again i dont because i feel theres nothing i can do anyway. people tell me to move on and get over it..and here i am being a hipocrite and telling other people that things will get better..that lifes hard but you just gotta move on. and i dont even believe that myself. i dont know what i believe in anymore...except that i just want it all to be over and done with because im tired of being unhappy..then happy..and then at the peak of my happiness everything just gets ripped away. im tired of being trapped in this body each morning when someone else whos probably worth it so much more..is probably dying in a hospital somewhere..on a brreathing machine or something. i cant be thankful for what i DO have when every time i turn around the world is dumping shit all over me that i just cant handle anymore. i dont feel like im worth a spot in this world anymore..because if i was then the people who i fall in love with wouldnt turn their back on me and walk away just leaving me like this. so it has to be me. and i dont know what i did wrong. you wanna know the truth? i tell people im over it because i know thats what everybody wants to hear. they say of course..that i can talk about it with them..and so yeah ill talk for a while..but that makes me wanna talk more because i cant get the issue out of my head..then people just get tired of hearing about it. so i might as well just stop bothering them. it hurts so fucking bad..and anything could be better than feeling like this because i dont even know how best to explain this feeling of complete nothingness and everything all at the same time..i feel like a time bomb just waiting to go off..only without the wires that you can cut and stop everything. it wouldnt matter anyway. tell me im crazy, dellusional, helpless..give me all the pity you wish. take full advantage of the fact that everyone can openly pick at my problems and TRY to help..because nothing anyone can say or do will make a difference. as soon as i forget about one problem..a bigger one comes up. and thats how its gona be until its all over. god i cant wait.

want saix?

:: 2003 15 July :: 12.30 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: system of a down*streamline

yeah..hi there!
okay well here we go...if i havnt already mentioned it yet...rays dating that whore ainoa,...oh well he can have her, hes such a bastard and it sucks that everything had to be this way but im just hoping that maybe i learn from this or something..so maybe next time if the same thing was to happen with another guy it wouldnt be as bad. but guess what i never learn from anything that happens to me even though maybe i say that i do so oh well. rays supposed to drop by later and give me my bracelet back so well see how that goes. my dads still in the hospital but hes supposed to come back tomorrow sometime. as for me, i got off babysitting today because my sister went with my mom to go see him up at western regional. coolness cus i cant stand that kid. anywayz, i cant wait until tonight! i get to hang out with that kid mike that i was talking about! hes so friggin awesome...wee, im so excited! heh...coolness. danny is supposed to drop by later ont oo...possibly with lev im guessing. then ivan will be coming over at around 6 and were gonna hang out til like 7 which is when well be walking up to the skate park. we might drag ashley up there too, i dunno well see what happens. alright well thats it im gonna go try to work on learning this html shit...tty guys later buhbye! -Stephanie

so you've decided to kill yourself...

1 saixed it up all nite long | want saix?

:: 2003 13 July :: 12.30 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday-erm..whatever #5 is on their album..

last night and much much more..
hey!! well it looks like things are actually starting to get better..knock on wood with my luck lately. bleh..=/ ..anyway, i went to the mall last night! sam was a trooper and she watched emilee for me so that i could leave earlier to go. john's mom picked me up and dropped me,john,jeremy, and zane off at the mall. we hung out and i saw jessica and amanda walking up to the movie theater..skanks! i also saw brianna ..nyaw..::hugs her:: shes so schmaltzy..lol dont ask. well, we all hung out...got kicked off the movie theater steps...and then i got hit on by a rent a cop. lol. then zane seemed upset..and jeremy was sooon to follow. i didnt understand it and i dont think john or quinton did either when he showed up. we all just sat there and talked for the longest time. i told john not to sit on the bench because jeremy and zane were pissy when they did..lol. well, then lev showed up, and i went into ghiradellis with john and quinton to get some free samples of chocolate..mmmm excellent during the whole pms time. heh. quinton gave me a piece of his and john threw one of his on the floor. lol. i couldnt get lev to go in there and git me some so zane went in and got me some..aww. well then danny and kaan showed up. i didnt even recognize kaan at first but i gave him and danny a hug when i did. danny was my pimp for the night even tho i didnt see him that much last night heh. well i wandered off with danny and kaan to the lake across the street bcus they wanted to have a ciggy...then the cop came across the street..they threw the ciggys in the lake and we went back up to the mall where renee was waiting with ann. erin called my cell when i was crossing the street and she told me that jessica called her to tell her that she saw me at the mall..she told erin that she smokes "everything" now and that she nor amanda are virgins..and erins like..uh..good job..lol. then she actually asked if i was a virgin. what business is it of hers either way? god. then she told erin what i was wearing and shit and to tell ya the truth it creeped me out that she paid that much attention to me. lol. well that was entertaining. i wanted to kick her ass so bad. she thinks im going out with john but she got all sad when erin mentioned that im not and that i just broke up with ray. heh. cus she always used to want ray but she could never have him...wonder why huh?..SKANK! and everyone knows it too so its really funny. she has NO idea what goes on behind her back when like everyone hates her. lmao. its so amusing and we cracked on her so bad that night. heh. well...me and renee went to go look for john and jeremy and quinton and zane..eventually we ran into them after seeing danny and kaan again and telling them how much i loved them..lol...to the soda machine...to the bathroom...til the pee drips down my leg..." lmao renee. that was some funny shit right there. ok well we finally ran into them at the rainforest cafe after john made the brilliant initiative to call us and tell us where they were AFTER we searched the damn bookstore, oasis, and even called jeremys cell a million times trying to get ahold of them. well there was some dryhumping that took place in front of the bushes at rainfoest cafe, fun stuff. my head started hurting really bad so i took a tylenol and stuff..which zane seemed upset about it cus he thinks im sum big druggie..oh well, im not s whatever. well then we left and went outside the front of the mall and hung out there for a while..lots of boob thrusting 3sumz with john and me and renee, lol. and fake orgasm noises..lol were such weirdos..its great. heh. then we walked aroudn the entire outside of the mall to get to the oasis because renees mom was coming to pick her up. after lots of other INTERESTING things went on ::stares at renee and john and jeremy and zane:: -.- we got to the oasis..and while the boys wandered off by ghiradellis i walked renee back out to the other oasis entrance...where i saw my joshy. i said byes to renee and she was picked up. i stood and talked to joshy and i told him all about what jessica had said to me..and he wanted to kick her ass he would have to. heh i love that kid. we still gotta get married. hehe. his two friends were pretty cool too and they were telling me how badly this kid kenny was obsessing over my boobs after he saw me at the mall a long ass time ago. im like uh..ok weirdo. but oh well it was funny. THEN! this kid eric came up to me...and he was like whoa where do i kno u from? and then he goes oh yeah the skate park! i was there with a bunch of other people like joey and tony and mike..and he was like do u remember mike? and i said yeah and he goes well hes wanted your number for a while now..and i looked everywhere for a pen cus i was really excited cus i liked that kid mike alot and i thought i wasnt like..ever gonna see him again. lol. jeremy let me borrow his marker and i wrote my screen name on eric's arm. then i said byes to him and i hung out with zane while jeremy and john went to go get sodas and grub off my money..bastards. they owe me. then iw ent to go say goodbye to joshy real fast and we started talking again..and he told me that jessica is on birth control pills and shit and she was always flashing them around in school..im like what a dork. he told me that shes only on them because she doesnt want to use condoms. what a gay! god its called std's and aids you dumbass! its 2003 anything can happen..god ..now THATS an ignorant slut renee. lol. then he told me about how she had sex with some of his friends and how nasty she is and we were cracking on her and her loose coot. lol it was really funny. then zane jeremy and john came over and we all sat on the floor and started talking. i hugged joshy and his friend goodbye when their ride came and they left. then me and the guys just hung out until ashley and her friend carrie came over and we were talking to them and jeremy attacked ashley when he was wearing my pink sweater. funny shit. i dont thinks he lieks him much. lol. kelly osbourne, lmao! okay..well my mom called and she was all pissed at me cus it was like 11:20..i ddint even notice it was that late cus i didnt have the time on me..urgh scary stuff. so john called his mom up and we waited for her. ashley offered me a ride but i figured it wouldnt be any quicker than just waiting for johns momc us they had to drop her friend carrie off first. so yeah, whatever. i sed byebyes but thanks to ashley and they left. the rest of us just listened to music until johns mom came. then we dropped zane off..then me. fun stuff. then i got online and that kid eric imed me...we talked for a while..hes a really nice kid. and hes really fun to talk to. im glad that i saw him at the mall last night when i did. he also gave me mikes screen name. heh heh. ..well..i talked to zane and john online..and then i signed off later on. this morning my mom went back up to the hospital to see how my dads doing..so im babysitting again but ill prolly have sam come over later on to keep mes company cus shes a cool kid. hehe. im talking to mike right now but hes away for a lil bit. heh. whoa nvm he just came back. lol. funny stuff. aww but hes leaving cus he has to go to the store..oh well ill talk to him later. as for all of you people! yeah hes cool beans. heh...well im gonna go cus thats enough of an entry for now. have fun reading that shit. lol. byebye! -Stephanie

p.s- i still havnt gotten my bracelet back from that bastard ray. i called this morning but he wasnt home..all hell is gonna break loose if i dont get it back soon..hes so dead. >:0


2 saixed it up all nite long | want saix?

:: 2003 12 July :: 2.45 pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: bright eyes-lover i dont have to love

and all that good bullshit
yeah guess what..rays a big asshole..and i guess thats all there is to it. im hangin out with sam bob right now and were juss talkin and shit..fun fun...sam sed she saw ray but he didnt bother to drop by..again...asshole..i need my bracelet back soon. i wanna go to the mall tonight but i dont know when my mom is gonna be home becase shes at the hospital with my datty right now..he had a scare the other day nd his appendix almost went kablam! yikes...so im babysitting also..i dont know exactly when hes gonna be back..stephs a lonely child....no relationship..this is weirdness much...oh well ill get back into one eventually..but for now i guess its for the best or whatever...well i dont really have much to sayy and i guess nothing that happy happy has gone on lately so ill be ending this thing right about....now.

want saix?

:: 2003 10 July :: 1.44 pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: *Taking back Sunday*There's no I in Team*

kinda teary...a little depressed...remotely calm...really disappointed
yeah,..well i havnt talked to ray since that night that he came over...and this morning when i called his house nobody answered the damn phone. so yeah im giving up on him until he decides to come around...if he doesnt i guess he just doesnt. i guess im doing a little better. i went to the skate park for a while with lev yesterday and then lev walked me home around like 4 something. bah everything ish so confusing...oh yes...im gonna go ahead and say somethin to renee in here since i didnt reply to her comment that she gave me in my journal a few entries a while ago. so i believe she deserves this much...thanks renee..::hugs back::...all i need is support from you guys and im actually beginning to believe that ill be alright. maybe...maybe not. like i always say, well see. lol. at least im good at that. i hope things with you and jay work out so at least one of us can hold a decent relationship..not that me and rays wasnt ;) well anyway, i talked to zane online for like 8 million hours last night...until like 4 something in the morning..yeah interesting. *hugs em* ...well right now im talking to saira and zane.fun stuff. i dunno what im gonna do today, theres like...nothing to do...so ill prolly just end up going up to 711 with sam or the skate park later on with lev if hell have my company...he better! lol jp lev i love ya kiddo. hes really easy to talk to and stuff seriously, and he made me feel alot better about the ray stuff thats going on..i think thats the only reason i made it through last night without spazzing out. lol. alrighty well im gonna go..ill update later on if i get around to it..most likely i will being that i have no life and whatnot =) i feel like going to the mall or going to erins house..i need to get out of here =( well ttyl! love you guys, Stephanie

want saix?

:: 2003 9 July :: 3.36 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: brand new-seventy times seven

ray came over last night...
alright well i told alot of people what happened last night so i just went to one of my dead aim conversations that i had logged...and im just going to copy paste all of that in here to save myself having to type all of it all over again and actually think about it. so here we go. like i said it was an im so any personal references made to the person i sent it to on aim..just ignore them or get out and stop reading it. ray came over last night and he attempted to break up with me...key word there..attempted..well see what goes on..here we go. first he said that i mean more to him than anything in the world..that he loves me..and i started sobbing....and he pulled me over to him and he was like "dont..please. youre gonna make me start crying" then i told him everything i was thinking..i said "you dont even want to make the effort to try. i kno people from two different states across the us who are dating..and their just fine. u kno why ray? bcus they love eachother enough to try. wouldnt you rather say that you made an attempt. rather then just give everything up? how much do i mean to you?" and he goes you mean everything to me..and its hard for me because im the one moving....and im like well i need to mean enough to you to at least try..so what if it doesnt work out. maybe it wont..but maybe it will. you cant say that it isnt worth trying..and he got kinda teary...and i was like..ray i love you...i dont wanna lose you..and hes like youre gonna have to....i love you too..so much steph...and then i was like...just take that into consideration.. then he said "damnnit this is just like wha happened when i left my girlfriend in maryland...but this is worse...i dont want to leave and its really hard but i dont see the point...5 hours away steph..im like the point? you want the f-ing point? if you dont see the point now then what made u think that there was "a point" of us being to gether this entire time huh? its not that f-ing easy! i gave you everything..my heart..my f-ing body...it is NOT that f-ing easy to throw it all away without even trying like you dont give a dammn when i know you f-ing do. you wanna know what had no point? NOT f-ing trying. thats f-ing pointless because weve been through alot already and you KNOW that. im like if you cant say anything more..if you cant look me in the fucking eyes and tell me you dont f-ing love me..that you dont f-ing care..then do it and walk away right f-ing now. if you cant give me a better excuse then "theres just no point" then thats something you have to work out yourself without ripping someone elses heart out and throwing it on the f-ing floor.then he said i have to go...im going to get in trouble...but ill think about it..maybe youre right..maybe it can work but only time will tell..wwe still have alot to discuss. and then we hugged and he kissed me on the forehead and he left.....alright well that was it. now i just have to wait and talk to him again. this should prove to be interesting. i talked to robbys step brother and he said that what ray said is bullshit. and that if it were him he wouldnt care because thats love..and we can still talk on the phone and the computer and maybe even see eachother every now and again. that thats what should really matter. this was coming from somebody whos 21 years old mind you. kristen said something similar..she said that love is something that can be 5000 miles apart and still mean the same thing...and she said that we stay together. i do too because this is tearing me apart. as of right now i dont know where the both of us stand but i guess ill find out the hard way this afternoon when i talk to him again about all of this. its like almost 4 right now..and he still hasnt shown up but when i was going to get the mail i saw lev skate by ..i think he was heading for the skate park and like..the only time he goes is when hes with ray. ugh, well see what happens. i hope he thought about what i said because im falling apart here, and he can see that from what went on last night when he came over. so i guess this is where we find out how he really felt all along based on his decisions in the end. hopefully he plays his cards right and doesnt act so ignorant. i love him so much. =/ you always love the people who hurt you the most..i guess thats just the way it goes...miss independent sam..lol..thats the way its gotta be...if he breaks up with me im not dating anyone for a while. and thats a promise that ive broken 50 million times..but im actually sticking to it. i dont know how long because i think that i can admit that im the type of girl who HAS to have a stable boyfriend in her life..but itll be a while until i settle down with anyone again.
bye guys- steph

want saix?

:: 2003 8 July :: 2.58 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Simple Plan-I'd do anything

now youre gone
i wonder why you left me here
i think about it on and on and on again
i know youre never coming back
im waitin to hear from you until i do
i wish i could have told you the things i kept inside
and now i guess its just too late
i miss you
this is goodbye
one last time
youre gone away, im left alone
a part of me is gone and im not moving on
so wait for me
and where i go youll be there with me
forever youll be right here with me
and even if i need you here, ill meet you there.

i talked to ray on the phone around 1 today. he told me that i mean alot to him, and i told him that ive been really upset lately and that i dont want him to leave me. he said that i shouldnt be that upset because its not like hes breaking up with me..but then i asked..yeah well do you plan on it any time soon? and he told me that "well i kinda have to because im moving and all.." that right there crushes me. i still HAVE to talk to him in person because maybe im not making myself clear enough to him. god this cant be happening. then i suggested that we could still talk on the phone, and on the computer and whatnot..and that other people who live in different states do it all the time..and he wouldnt even be moving to a diff state. i even told him that maybe once in a while he could come stay over here for like a week at a time or something..just so that we could still see eachother and everything. he sounded like that was a pretty good idea..but i dont know how wed be able to get him back down here..being that the drive is 5 hours and all. i just wish it wasnt so far. and i wish he knew how much he means to me. goddamnit, if i knew i was going to fall in love with him this hard than i wouldnt have dated him. i didnt know that he was going to be moving once we started dating..i found out a little later on..and even then i didnt have any idea that it would be this soon. 2-3 weeks? i cant handle that. i need him here with me..i want him to stay down here and i would give up everything for him not to leave me. i cant lose him. and it scares me because when we hung up today he didnt say that he loved me..which he usually does. so was that his way of breaking up with me already? im not sure...im so nervous though. i feel like crap and i threw up in the bathroom like 10 minutes ago after i got off of the phone with erin. i hate that i get attatched so earily but we had the perfect relationship...we really did. and i didnt think that anything would be able to come between it. how wrong i was huh? yeah thats for sure. im going to miss him so fucking much i cant take it. its driving me crazy. i cant ever hold him again or kiss him or touch him or listen to him say that he loves me ever again and i just cant do it! i need something to take all of the pain away because i cant go through this again, i just cant. if he really cares than he needs to tell me. he needs to give me a reason to try and work things out with him, or theres just going to be no use in it. and i wanna try i really do, more than anything else in the world i want things to be okay with us. but that just seems so hard right now. everyones telling me to just treasure the time that i DO have left with him..well i want to but how is that gonna be possible when he cant even come out..or he wont even ask because hes afraid his dad will just say no anyway. why not even make the effort? dont i mean that much? as much as he claimed that i did before alll of this was going on? your feelings dont just change like that and i think that i know that more than anyone else because ive realized its damn near impossible to fall out of love with somebody even when you think that you really want to. i really need to tell him all of this and i hope i can just see him one last time before he goes..thats all that i want. just to be with him and go through one day like it didnt have to be the last day that wed be with eachother..id do anything for him. but im starting to question if he feels the same way about me or if he thinks that he can just stop caring now that hes moving away. because thats basicly the impression that hes giving off to me recently. and if he thinks hes too macho to show if he really DOES have feelings for me still..then he needs to throw all of that out the damn window because we got bigger problems to deal with and if im making the effort to cry to him about all of this and leave myself completely vulnerable to any comment that he has to say to me..then he should do the same. im so in love with him i cant see straight..and i cant stand that its all ending so fast..it seems like weve been together so much longer with everything that weve been through and whatnot..i dont wanna lose all of that and i know that he cant honestly look me in the eyes and tell me that it isnt worth giving me and him a try when he moves. i know that he cant. i know guys go abotu their emotions differently but this is just something hes gonna have to let me know if he really cares about me. basicly it all comes down to this. the next couple of weeks are going to be extremely hard so i guess all i can do is just hope that i get some level of support from people..because i need it right now, i really do. love you guys, bye. -Stephanie

1 saixed it up all nite long | want saix?

:: 2003 7 July :: 2.20 pm
:: Mood: empty.
:: Music: simple plan-ill meet you there

i just got off the phone with ray about 20 minutes ago and i have been in the process of sobbing my internal organs out since around that time. he told me that he is going to be moving in about two weeks, maybe even less than that. words cant really describe how horrible i feel right now. i cant even think straight. i love him so much..i dont even think he knows just how much i appreciate him..everything just sucks so bad right now to no extent. hell be moving up to north florida about 4-5 hours away from here, away from me. =/ i dont want to let him go and my stomach just feels like its wrenching and twisting right now at the thought that our relationship might not make it through the big move. he might be able to come over later, and if he can i just want to talk to him and ask him if he wants to continue the relationship even though hes moving. it might seem hard to other people to do something like that, but we might be able to accomplish it. i know that i could stay faithful to ray. i just dont know if i could handle not being able to be with him for that amount of time in between. i dont even know if he would be able to visit me down here somehow...we have alot to discuss, that's all i know. i just wanna hold him and never let him go, and this is just tearing me apart. nobody could understand. im going to miss him so terribly its just inexplainable. i cant stop crying and i havnt cried like this since ...well..you know if youve been keeping up with my journal entries. but this hurts so much more because its something i feel like i wanted even before we started dating. and thats how much more its gonna burn. he sounded so drained on the phone earlier..i dont know if it was because its moving..but it would just be nice to know that hes gonna miss me, like i will him. i dont understand how people can just be taken away, just like that. and i HATE that the biggest things in life that matter arent even our choice, i just HATE it!!! theres so much that ive gone through in this lifetime and for once..being with ray i thought that i went through all of that for a reason..because if i just gave up i wouldnt have found him..but im back to not understanding a damn thing about this world again. whoevers in charge, fuck you. fuck your opinion, your authority, your fucking spineless attempts to ruin other peoples lives and not even come down here and see how it fucking feels! what you put people through each day.youre just a useless bastard who cant handle it so you dish it out onto other people. well guess what, whoever the "superior" being is who's out there supposedly watching us each moment..youre nothing to worship or appreciate. so get back in line with the people who actually have to deal.


want saix?

:: 2003 7 July :: 11.27 am
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: Staind-How about you?

eddies party yesterday..and more fun things along the way
alright, well yesterday was eddies birthday party..fun stuff. kathy and her mum picked me and renee up and she drove us all to the sawgrass mall. we met up with eddie and everyone at his party in front of the cheesecake factory in the oasis. well..eating stuff went on there and renee tried to shove a breadstick in my damn nose and before that even happened she was trying to feed it to me. so were a few others. interesting..but i dont eat that often so it really annoyed me. then renee performed deep throat on a celery stick...even more interesting. then alot of eating went on...eddie opened his presents...mine was 20 bux and a card. whoop. well after that we all went to see the movie 28 days later. it wasnt the best movie in the world but it was alright..lots of gore and i love that kind of stuff so its all good. me and renee kept waiting for the two main characters to get it on but that never happened so it was kinda disappointing. heh. yeah were weirdos..go ahead..say it. after the movie we all went to gameworks and just chilled and watched these kids on this lil dance thing...they were really corny. lol. then i went with renee outside and called ray up to see if there was any way to get him to the mall because i really missed him. well i should have known, but he wasnt home. no surprise there i suppose. so its basicly been almost 3 days now that i havnt talked to him or anything...i still have the rest of today though to try to get ahold of him after im done babysitting my little sister. yup yup. after gameworks we all just walked around the mall and went into the infamous bookstore where i was molested by renee and kathy. lol. go figure. =/ on the damn floor too! thennnnn....we went to the food court and i got some oriental food..yummy my favorite ::licks lips:: ...after that we all went back out into the oasis because the mall was closing early since it was sunday and all..and guess who we saw! johnnay boya! jeremy! danny! lev! whooOop!!!!!! i hardly ever get to see jeremy and john so i decided to stay with them at the mall since i can see eddie alot more. i didnt think that eddie would mind because he could still hang out with kathy and michael back at his place and it might have even been easier on his parental units to not ahve the house filled with bitchy children..yupyup. what i dont get is that later on renee told me that not going to eddies house and staying at the mall with jeremy john danny and lev was "dirty" but uh..SHE stayed there too with me and she didnt have to because she would have gotten a ride home with kathy like she did there...so that irked me alot...whatever. she was kinda quiet for the rest of the night. ...me and john split two cherry cokes and i stole dannys coke a few times too cus im juss fancy like that. wee. then danny and lev left and went to the oasis entrance..then renee went to go wait for her mom to come pick her up and me and john and jeremy followed her to the entrance where we met up again with danny and lev. there was just alot of hugging and dryhumping and i felt really bad at the end of the night because my ray wasnt there...i wonder if lev and danny are gonna tell on me...i dont feel THAT horrible because i dont think that ray would have cared cus he knows that i really love him and john and i were just messing around because were just good friends. theres nothing else between us and john even has a girlfriend who hes been with a while now..and hes really loyal to her as well. but im going to just tell ray all that happened at the mall and if he sounds disappointed about it then it just wont happen again and thats all there is to it cus i dont wanna screw up anything that we have together..i have to talk to him anyway. john said that if ray got upset about it that he would talk to him for me and explain that there wasnt anything of a big deal going on anyway. its not like we kissed or did anything flirtatiously that we actually meant. i didnt at least and i know that johns better than that. but well just see what happens. wow i say that alot dont i? lol. oh well, anyway me john and jeremy met this brazilian guy up there and hes pretty fancy. were gonna meet him up there next friday when we all go. fun stuff! =) then jeremy left to get a soda or something...and johns mom showed up to pick us up and we couldnt find jeremy. it was already like 10 fifty something so i was gonna be late coming home..john called jeremys cell and eventually we got him in the car. they dropped me off and i came in and got yelled at but it wasnt that bad. i just have to babysit today and then its made up for so its all good. i talked to my mom about going to johns party because his birthday is july 20th...damnit! i have no idea what to get him..::bites nails::..well i must talk to him about it eventually...hm...alrighty ppl well im gonna go babysit my sister and try to get ahold of ray if hes not sleeping still! [which he prolly is cus hes a bum ..buh dass okee cus hes MI bum =) ]...later ppl! -Stephanie

want saix?

:: 2003 5 July :: 5.52 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: metallica-one

okay time to vent. im really gettin pissed off. i talked to ray today around like 2:30 and he said that he was going to make sure that he came over here at around 3:30-4:00! well guess what time it is boys and girls..its almost 6! and where is he? well he isnt here thats for sure...and i called his house to see whats going on and nobody picked up the phone. so thats just great. he can piss me off so much sometimes i swear. urgh. danny called me like 15 minutes ago to see if i plan on going to the skate park tonight because i guess hes going. hm...i didnt think he would be able to go for a while seeing as he told me the other day that he broke his board and he wouldnt be at the park for a couple weeks..funny how things change so quickly. well anyway, i dont know if im gonna be able to go but i would definately want to. dannys a cool kid..hes really fun to hang out with. plus i need to get away from this house because ive done absolutely nothing all damn day except sit around in my room and watch tv and go on the computer...not so fancy fancy. danny said that he would be at the skate park at around 6:30..and when he gets there hes gonna sign in and all that and then hes gonna come over here to my place to see if i can go...and if i can then ill walk up there with him. obviously ray isnt making an effort to contact me so theres no possible way that he can be mad at me if he shows up and im not here right? damn straight. no need to ruin my night. hes gonna end up hanging out with lev anyway tonight so its not like hell be completely without somethin to do...he better not get drunk cus if he is i swear hes not coming over. i dont need to deal with that tonight...he needs to stay away from me if he decides to be like that tonight...and any other time for that matter. he cant expect shyt if hes all f*cked up like that. ii wont have it. hmph.he knows it too which might actually be the reason why he hasnt come over or anything...he probably started out early tonight and he doesnt want me to know. you watch...YOU watch. hmph. well not alot of ppl are online and im gettin pretty tired soz im gonna go lay down and take a nap or something before danny comes by. well see how things go from there. later guys. -Stephanie

2 saixed it up all nite long | want saix?

:: 2003 4 July :: 11.00 pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: metallica-enter sandman

whoop whoop! happy crappy 4th of july yall!..i hate america. x.x
welll hey there people! today was really awesome. besides the fact that i HATE the 4th of july..too much fireworks and i can hardly get some sleep. but i promised myself that i would try to get to bed early tonight...so as soon as im done updating this thingy i think imma turn in for the night..(yeah right)..lol. well this morning i did absolutely nothing except watch tv..then ray called and he said he was coming over around like 2:30....then i got off the fone with him. my mom said that i had to go to the store with my dad to pick up sum shyt. i saw lev there and he was buying fireoworks.....then we went shopping..i came back and it was like 3:30 or summin like that and ray still hadnt come by...then he comes to my door around like 4 and he told me that he was late because he was busy trying to get his little brother to bed....the same lil brother he beat the crap out of when he was on the phone with me a while b4 that...awww...lol? well we hung out on the front porch for a while..made out and wutnot and mes mum bursted out the door and commented on that of course..how trashy it looked when we were makin out on the front porch. well hello there but nobody was outside. anyway moving on...so then ray went to the skate park. i went back inside. my mom went on about how much of a whore i supposedly am. im a whore because i make out with my boyfriend right? thats really retarded...bleh. forget her. anyways, i really didnt wanna be in the house that long after all of that because she wouldnt let it go. so i called sam...me and her went to 711 to get slurpees...then we headed for the skate park. on the way to the skate park we saw sams friend erin in the parking lot and she came over and talked to us for a while about her new job at the oasis cafe..pretty fancy indeed. well then all 3 of us headed into the skate park..just to find out that ray wasnt there! so i got a lil peeved. we all just sat there and talked until about 7, which was when we had to leave cus the skate park was closing early today. well me and sam said bye to erin and we started walking home..yous wouldnt believe it..but when we were just about to cross the street i see ray crossing the street from in front of amaco! bah, i was so happy. then he came over and gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek and me sam and him sat on the curb and talked while he cmoked a ciggy. he said that he was at the sk8 park earlier but his mum picked him up to come home and watch his lil bro for a while..oh well i was juss happy to see him again =) ,...newayz, we went to mc donalds and threw ice cubes at eachother...and then i went into the ladies bathroom and when i was in the stall ray came crashing through the door and chucked more ice at me! evil evil child..buh iy wuv him..then we walked around in the parking lot and ray trashed a shopping cart like 3 times..funny shyt..then me and ray walked sammy home. after that me and ray headed back up to the skate park and went over to the little chill spot. fun stuff. after that we just sat on the lil couch thing and watched as the first fireworks of the afternoon were lit off..heh. then we got up to leave. we were walking out when all of a sudden we hear screaming. we looked all around but we didnt know where it was coming from. then we see like 8 employees from the oasis cafe come out..and we look over and theres some crazy heavy-set spanish lady screaming in spanish and walking around in circles..going completely mad! it was crazy...funny at first...but then the manager of the oasis cafe came out and started watching her...a car pulled out of the mc donalds drive thru..and she just walked up to the car and started banging on the window furiously..and she started punching herself in the head and screaming some more...she just kept doing that! then the manager rushed over and was alll "excuse me maam you cant be doing this"..i was really scared cus ive never seen somebody just flip out like that right in front of me before..and we were really close..so i just kinda stood behind ray and he had his arms around me...then ray and i walked over to the manager as the lady got into that car she was banging on...we asked what had happened and he told us that it was something about the lady really having some mental problems..(like we couldnt already tell!)...and her husband left her in the bathroom and drove away without her..interesting..oh well i dont get it. well, ray walked me home and we had one of those "i love you" ..."no u dont"..."yes i do!".."well i love you too!".."no i love you more"..kinds of battles...you know...where its only to amuse yourself and accomplish absoolutely nothing but an excuse to sit and hang out a little while longer. well we shared our goodbyes and then he started walking to levs house. i came in and was immediately yelled at for ""being home late"/...bleh w.e....then the whole "slut...whore..."skate slut" comments from my mom started up again. she really had her own ways of making you feel shitty about yourself you know? after that i just got fed up and went into my room and listened to my headphones..then i went outside for like 3 minutes..then i came back in and erin called..i talked to her for like a half hour..and then i went back in my room..tried to fall asleep and watched tv..and now im here! bookasa! well ivan prolly thinks im ignoring him or summthin soz imma go and entertain him. love ya guys! byebyes! -Stephie

I <3 u Ray!!!!!! =) =P

want saix?

:: 2003 3 July :: 9.59 pm
:: Mood: nerdy
:: Music: manson-use your fist and not your mouth

boredness my friend..sheer, boredness.
today i didnt really do much of anything except wake up and do shit around the house since my mom and my grandma took my sister to the mall at like 12 in the afternoon. me and sam walked up to 711 and then we hung out at my place for a while. my mom bitched at me about some more shit because shes just annoying like that sometimes...but seriously it was for some really retarded crap. oh well. then me and sam started watching the movie psycho...but then her sister ashley came over and told sam that she had to go home and help their dad take out the kitchen sink. oh what fun. well then i just finished up the movie by myself (i still like the original one much better)...then i went on the computer while my mother and my sister went swimming for a while. i talked to ray on the phone for a while..his brother kept on taking the phone from him and trying to act like ray..what a douche. i really dont care for his brother and i told ray im gonna kick his brothers ass. ray was pretty amused by that. well anyway a few hours went by and i tried to call ray back again because i got really bored but his mommy said that he was outside....bleh! so i havent seen him all day and that really blows monkey nuts because i miss him a whole lot. yup yup. i havent talked to zane since i last posted in here about what we talked about. i dont know if thats good or bad but i guess its fancy that were back on "okay" terms for right now. i really dont need all of the drama starting up back in my life again..had enough of that already and im just ready to move on with everything and see another day without all of it. hmm..i cant wait until july 22! this show "nip, tuck" is going to be premeiring on FX....that looks so awesome...i cant wait! i wanna see it really bad...the only creepy part in the commercial was all of the blood and this guy screwing this chick in the ass...yeah that was gross. but oh well. the show still looks really appealing to me. i like the lead actor in it alot because he used to play Cole on this show charmed that i used to watch all of the time until it just started getting really gay. heh. anyway hes damn sexy so it had to be a good show. plus all of the blood and gore...yummy. nobody appreciated that kind of stuff more than me. for thsoe of you who have no idea what the hell im talking abbout its this show about these horrible plastic surgeons who end up destroying the people when they perform surgery on them..its really awesome. heh. kinda makes you feel discouraged though in case you were planning on getting any type of body alterations done to you. since there really are some people out in the world who are crazy enough to think that they can get away with doing shit like that to other people. but its all gravy because i dont plan on getting anything like that done...YET...::props up boobs:: ...anywayz, jeremy just imed me and i really dont have anything more to say in here soz imma go chill and try to see when lev gets back so i can bother him about if hes seen ray today! fun stuff boys and girls.love, peace, nd chicken grease! tata! -Stephie

want saix?

:: 2003 2 July :: 10.28 pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Cold~Cure My Tragedy

...so much drama
well its about 9:30 and i just got back from being outside down the street hangin out with lev and josh. josh said that bryan was over the other day at his house but he didnt even bother to come by and say hi..how interesting. that was nice to hear..only not really. whatever. then i got to talking with josh and hes alot different than i thought. we just talked alot about relationships and that sort..and he told me about his relationship with julie and i talked to him about me and ray, it was pretty neat overall. hes a really easy person to talk with. =)

alright...the really big thing that happened today was talking with **** earlier...oh boy. well, he imed me and he said that i mean alot to him..and that i always have. and he thinks the reason that hes been kind of an asshole to me lately was because he has "such strong feelings for me and that it kinda scares him. that he cant just break up with ashley but when that day comes..he hopes that we can TRY to have a relationship with eachother again" ...well he told me alot more..and i had alot to think about. i told renee about all of that and she asked me what i would do. well all im saying is that i love ray so much. and yeah, me and **** have so damn much in the past..but for now thats all it is..the past. ray is all i see for the the future right now. ill always love ****..i cant do anything about that except to just..not....and thats really hard and i dont think i can do it. maybe in the future if me and ray split up...maybe something can develop between us again. but i just want to focus on whats keeping me happy right now...and i think im actually doing the right thing for once. as for ****..i hope him and her last a while..he seems happy with her..even though i know what he said to me earlier today..well just have to see what happeneds. but i have a little more faith in myself this time..and i think everyone else should too. g'night guys! gonna go talk to erin and the rest of the happy bunch! love steph

remember all the times that we used to play
you were lost and i would save you
i dont think those feelings will ever fade
you were born apart of me
i was never good at hiding anything
my thoughts break me
do you undersatnd what you mean to me
you are my faith
wont you cure my tragedy
wont you cure my tragedy
if you made the world a stage for me
then i hope that you can here me scream
every little thing that i ever did
you would stand by me
ever time you cried it would take my wind
my heart would break
if i could be strong like you would for me
you are my faith

want saix?

:: 2003 2 July :: 5.53 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: powerman5000-whatever their new song is...?

so very bored...fancy seeing YOU here.
hello there people. and how is everyone this evening>?..very nice. well erin came over for a while these past 4 days and my dad drove her home yesterday at around 8ish at night. when she was over most of what we did included going to the skate park to chill with danny,renee,ray,jules,lev, and that sort...chillin at my house playing bloodrayne and entertaining ray when he came over extremely drunk...bleh. and fun filled hours of dryhumping the mattress...ah the sweet serenity. well im pretty bored now so im just going to ramble while i wait for dinner to be finished. im friggin hungry as hell. like i said, ray came over the other night and he was really drunk but i must admit that i have never before been so entertained throughout my entire existance on this planet. thanks ray. but im never letting him in my house again if he isnt sober. lol. sorry ray. but really, he was so hilarious and me and erin were both there when all of thid was going on.."its on my sock!"..lmao hen. ray youre such a damn dirty dork! i love you. lol. this morning consisted of me waking up at like 9 to wash off the patio on the poolside and wash all of the dirt from underneath the patio chairs,table, and whatnot. then i had to rinse off all of the chairs out there, fold and place a few loads of laundry in the dryer, and do the cat litters. oh the insanity. hm you know i just realized that i havnt heard from kathy in forever? interesting..im going to have to give her a ring pretty soon. i need to get a few of my things from her that i loned her a while ago. i heard that shes moving..thats mighty gay if you ask me because shes one of my closest friend and its gonna hurt to see her go, especially to texas which we all know is completely across the map away from florida. you know who else is moving soon? ray. i knew that all things would have to come to an end but this is just the epitimy of gay. and i dont care if anyone asked me or not because it is. it just is. well, right now i would probably be out having fun with ray or lev or others being that my mom ungrounded me from when me and erin got in trouble for walking home from the skate park at 10:45 at night...but you see, ray got himself grounded once again! urrgh. the boy just cant stay good for more than i week it would seem. oh well hes still wicked awesome. heh. he wanted me to come over to his place today instead but i dont know if im gonna be able to now that dinner is almost ready and its already like 6 in the afternoon. but anyway well see. plus i need to try and remember where the hell he lives. he told me on the phone earlier but i wasnt paying that much attention because i didnt think that my mom would allow me to go anyway. im sucha horrible person. lol. you know what was the most interesting thing in the world lately? zane of all people, was talking to renee a few days ago on the computer on aim, and he actually told her to tell me that he said hi whenever renee talked to me again. isnt that just something? i'll say it is. im surprised he has decided to come around because i havent seen him online in decades. i wonder if hes still dating ashley the beaver..not that i really care anyway but it would be funny to see if they are still hangin in there together. probably because shes a doof. i cant believe ashley failed the 8th grade. one would have to contain some type of retardation element in their brain to not pass that year. its so damn easy! jeez. but personally me and a few other people find it to be hilarious. renee told me about it when we were still in school, but she said that she had to take a test first..well i guess we all know how THAT went now dont we? funny shit. kristen imed me the other day and said "zanes girlfriend failed the 8th grade"..yep so thats how it went huh?? again, funny shit. sucks for her...moving right along. im so happy for myself that im still with ray and all..its the best decision ive made in forever ill tell you that much. i just hope i dont lose him..but things look really good so far. hes always saying how much he loves me and whatnot and it means so much coming from him because i think i really do love him...and thats the biggest relief in the world because finally its someone whos worth it. ive heard alot of things about him from other people, as you might already know from reading a few of my previous entries...but actually getting to know him better and just seeing how he acts with me and what he says about me when hes around other people..ive learned to have alot more faith in him because he actually values this relationship. and if i hear anything else ever again from anybody ill just come to him about it or find out alot more of the facts from someone who would really know and was there. thats the only thing i can do because i dont just wanna go off on him for no reason and i know that he really cares about me, possibly more than alot of other people whom hes gone out with before. so i think its worth just asking him about everything if anything like that should ever come up again. would you do the same thing? of course you would. no use of wrecking something i love so much. i think he has actually managed to restore most of my faith in guys, and alot more in myself. which can never be a bad thing. any mistakes that i have ever made im now being able to look at it in a different light. because if i hadnt have made those mistakes and gone my different way about seeing certain people or bringing certain guys back into my life again...i would have never had this chance to be with him. and thats the best event thats happened in my life in a long while. i find myself willing to get out of the house more, im turning into a better person overall, and im opening myself up more to things rather than just not giving anything a chance for fear of getting hurt.i havent cut myself since i can remember..and i havent gone through any depression streaks lately. sometimes you just gotta have a little faith. ive realized that these things take time. and if i had the chance to go back and do it all again, knowing what i now have with ray, i wouldnt have it any other way. hopefully ray feels the same way, because maybe hes too hard ass to admit it out front.,...but i really think that he does. hes alot more genuine when its just me and him..he actually talks about things that he wouldnt bring up around other people. and we can tell eachother basicly anything. right now i feel like nothing could make what we have any better right now. taint it fancy? yesh yesh it ish. well im gonna go talk to some people online, eat dinner and take a walk. ill update later or tomorrow. byebye. -Stephanie-

want saix?

:: 2003 28 June :: 5.17 pm
:: Music: slipknot-iowa

hi....fucking bored and tired. well yesterday me and erin met up with ray at the skate park and huung out there for a while with him,danny,renee, and jules. ray got me pissed off because he went away to buy ciggys. then i thought everything was aklright but he got mad at me or something for some odd reason and we didnt really talk most of the night. he was going to walk home with us but he disappeared. he said tht he sawus walking home but he figured wed come back so he didnt do anything. he ended up getting a ride home afterall. then this morning he came over and we just talked on my front porch and tried to drag erin out of the house. he gave me a massage and stuff and that was really nicec then i gave him a massage and punched him in the back a bunch of times..also i grabbed his ass and shit and he was yellin "abuse!" but it was still pretty funny. well me and eirn were gonna go up to mc donalds but hen doesnt feel like going anywhere and 1) i dont wanna leave her here alone with my sister and my demented sister and 2) i dont feel like going up there alone. my mom is being a bitch and she wont even let ray come over for a little while. ugh. now i gotta get ahold of ivan and tell him not to come over tonight because we wont be going to the skate park afterall. my sister is being really annoying. bleh as if theres any change in that factor. well im out for now . bye.

want saix?

:: 2003 27 June :: 11.03 am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: bon jo vi-it's my life

bookasa! ....eh?
good morning ppl! how eesh awl oof thee thish mornin? peachy i presume? yesh yesh of course..same heres..im babysittinh for mes lil sister right nows whiles mes mum ish out at breakfast wiff her friend eva. the one who drove me to de sk8 park lass nite)) hehe. i hope i can go again tonight! :;smiles at ray ray:: ...aww. =) ! wellz im talkin to eddie right now about his lil birthday get together on july 6th..weee. youd be crazy if you thought i wasnt going!! eddies muh lil buhdee! ::hugs him SO hahd:: lolz. aww i luv dat kid. =) whoa the happiness ish getting to me, lol. ::hops around the house listening to 80's music:: why? BECAUSE I CAN! ....and i feel bad for it happening on a couch. lol erin. whoop whoop!! well lets see i really hope erin can come down on saturday because i wuv her so much! aww! henpie! ::clings to her leg:: ray misses you too hen! but oof carse yous already know that! and hoolays! and dannay boya!..yesh yesh all of dem indeedy. and you must not forget de eenerbeanz cus shes more awesome then cow dung! bwee! i dont know where dat came from..but its all fancy in YOH pantayz...lol..dont ask. i miss ray..but i know ill prolly see him later on tonight so its all gravy..bleh i hope soz...erin best be able to come over this weekend or ill cry SO hard. lol. well..maybe ill cry..aww..::looks at hen:: ::cries so hard:: i wuv you henpie! mwahz! wellz thats it you lil chicken shits! im owt! -Stephanie

so youve decided to kill yourself...

lol sry i had to.

want saix?

:: 2003 26 June :: 11.52 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: mushroomhead....whatever song that was playing int he sk8 park tonight..lol

today was the best day ever
yeah..today was the best dayy EVER for so many reasons!i found out that ray was grounded this entire time..i feel so bad for judging him like that but im SO glad i didnt break up with him. i love him so much! aww =) hehe...but he came over today with lev when me and sam got back from 711 and i was so happy to see him! i jumped on him and squeezed the life out of him and he told me that he missed me so much and that he hates his mom..lol how sweet? lol. then i was sitting on rays lap when jessica hintz and this girl amanda who used to live in my hood were walking down the street and ray was loike omg hide me..and then he was like whos that ugly chick with the square head walking with the bitch? square head being amanda..lol...and i was like well thats this girl amanda and he was like ::hides behind me:: then wen they walked by he yelled BITCH! and jessie whipped around and was like "ehhhhh" and he goes yeah suck it! ::laughs:: lol..it was great cus i cant stand her... well anyway, me and lev and ray walked around the block for a while and then went to matts house and "tony hawk" aka matt because he really has no skate boarding skills whatsoever..lolz i love you matty matty matt! lol...we were chillin and stuff and i was just so happy to be around ray..we went into matts room and chilled and i went on matts computer and ray put matts python around me..it was awesome. then ray mooned matt and lev . the bush..lol. lev has awesome hair, lol. he has a big russian fro. lol. sorry i just had to add that in there. plus hes a russian jew so its all gravy baby. lol. interesting. well anyway then we went back outside for a whiel and then ray walked me back to my house. i went in and took a shower and got ready for the skate park..then i thought i wasnt gonna be able to go afterall because i didnt have a ride but my moms friend eva came in at the last minute and she took me up there! thanks eva! hehe. well i met up with ray and lev there and while ray was skating me and lev were talking about stuff. hes a pretty cool person and i remember him from 6th grade bein all boybandish lookin..aww..lol. well lev left eventually and me and ray chilled on the couch thing in the back of the skate park..we were watching joey and danny for a while but joey took a spill so they all went back into the skate park..so it was just me and ray..ray moved the couch thingy and we were just talking and i asked him abotu all of the cheating stuff and his little reputation. he explained everything and i feel so much better that i went to him and discussed it and i didnt just blow it off and ignore everything..and then..stuff happened..lol..and then we went back into the skatepark and i watched him skate and whoop everyones ass. god he was so awesome. i luv it. me and joey were makin fun of this other kid danny cus every time he would miss a trick hed throw his board...ray demolished his own helmet.lol..and the night ended just as perfect as it had began because guess what! i was with ray. he was so cute because he was walkin away smoking and i was like youre gonna die..and he goes yeah but at least ill die loving you..::melts:: lol. like i said..tonight was awesome and i wouldnt take it back for anything in the world. you mean so much to me ray, i love you baby! =) --Stephanie

want saix?

:: 2003 25 June :: 9.19 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: michelle branch- are you happy now?

well, i think i pissed off erin earlier because i told her that i wasnt breaking up with ray. or maybe its not just that, but i dont know what i did. my comp froze and i had to restart it and when i got back online and imed her saying im sorry but i had to restart she just signed off. peachy. just peachy. she seemed kinda upset that i didnt break things off with him but understand that im just trying to have one relationship that MAY work out after all of this is over with. i DID consider her advice, its not that i didnt. i just had to come to my own decision eventually and now that i did im pretty satisfied with it. im talking to robby right now and melody. fancy ppl. i was gonna go up to the skate park but im tired of looking for ray because if he wants me hes gonna have to come around himself. i dont think thats being too harsh afterall ive been on call for the past couple days and i havnt gotten anything out of it. sam offered to drop me off up there but i told her that it was alright. so i didnt give in to temptation for once. kudos right? yeah whatever..i want ray really bad =( urgh..oh wells.

you know, theres alot of things i regret in life. i cant believe i actually hung aorund as long as i did waiting for zane to come around. hes just a fool for missing what he could of had and im sure everyone else sees that but him. he can have the beaver and in all honesty i hope hes happy. because hell never be with me again and ill make sure of that. im glad that i got up enough courage the other day to tell him that i didnt want to be on talking terms with him right now and that everything isnt alright between us. im glad he realizes that it isnt as well. so at least that much is settled. i didnt block him or anything but thats good because i dont feel like i should. i think its better for me to practice being stronger and having to will to NOT i.m him even if i see him online. he hasnt been online lately though so i think that he went to texas or something like that..anyway it doesnt concern me. wow, you hear that? lol

all i wanna do this summer is be with ray and my close friends and work on myself. my personality, my body, everything, until im ssatisfied. because thats all i need and its all im gonna ask for, for now. i just wanna be happy. in a way i think its good that im actually letting someone else in my heart for once, and not completely shutting every living creature out just because im afraid of getting hurt. im still afraid but i feel like i have a sense of willpower now, and the power to get myself out of situations where i feel threatened, or to just stand up and try to make it better. its pretty neat, you should try it. lol. seems guys arent as bad as i thought they all were. who wouldda thunk it huh? eh heh. i can now let people in just as much as i need, and enough to not get that hurt. and thats good for now. i have to say that for the most part im a pretty happy girl. well see how long it lasts =/ ill leave you guys with a song for the one and only true bastard in my life..**** <~~ ::points::..yeah..him..

dont just walk away
pretending everythings okay
and you dont care 'bout me

and i
know its just no use
when all your lies become your truths
and i don't care

could you look me in the eyes
and tell me that youre happy now
would you tell it to my face
or have i been erased
are you happy now?
are you happy now?

and you, took all there was to take
and left me with an empty plate
and you don't care 'bout it
and i, am giving up this game
and leaving you with all the blame
'cause i dont care
yeah yeah yeah

could you look me in the eye
and tell me that you're happy now
would you tell it to my face
oh, are you happy now?
are you happy now?

do you really have
everything you want
you could never give
something you aint got
You can't run away from yourself

could you look me in the eye
and tell me that youre happy now
yeah yeah
come on
tell it to my face
or have i been replaced
are you happy now

would you look me in the eye
could you look me in the eye
Ive had all that I can take
and Im about to break
'Cause youre happy now
Are you happy now?
...thats the way it goes.

2 saixed it up all nite long | want saix?

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