-And something's breaking up. I feel like giving up. I won't walk out until you know..

 

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:: 2003 25 June :: 2.01 pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: good charlotte- boys and girls

a little better...
hey everyone. sup? well, i had a long interesting talk with Robby last night. hes so much different then who people perceive him to be, and hes just a really nice person. i asked him about ray and he said all in general, that ray is a pretty good guy, and that from what i told him about ray and my relationship so far, i should still play it safe, but he thinks that were doing pretty well. he told me that if ray were to cheat on me, he would do it pretty early on and not wait until were really crazy about eachother, so everything looks good so far. i still have yet to talk to ray though, but robby told me alot about this girl that he really liked, and how he asked her out but she broke up with him the next day because of something that she heard about him from other people, about his past. i dont want to do that to ray unless i absolutely have to. ray seems so sweet to me and i really do care about him, alot in fact. so im willing to wade everything out for a while and just see how things go, i know that ill still feel much better when i talk to ray about all of this. i just want to know how serious he is about me and his opinion about everything that i would say to him. i would hate to just ruin the relationship without even knowing if hes doing anything wrong, there isnt any use in that when we could have something really nice going on for the both of us. robby was right though, he said not to get too emotionally attatched to ray right off the bat, and to just get to know him alot better first before anything further develops. wow...robbys a smart kid, lol. its funny how people think he is and how he really is...because those are two completely different sides. after we talked about ray we talked about alot of other things...from sex to ignorant people and whatnot. i wish i would have saved the conversation, hes such a nice person and im glad that i stayed and talked to him last night because he made me feel a lot better about all of the ray stuff and about myself too. robby said that he loves my perspective about things and that he would love to date me some time. taint that nice? i didnt know that he could be so serious about something but everything we talked about just goes to show you that you cant just sit and judge people without getting to know who they really are. we even discussed robby himself and how some people just hate him because they make stereotypes about him, and how ignorant some people are. how people should just try to work on improving themselves rather than criticize other people because maybe then they would accomplish alot more. i feel like someone can never feel like they have completed themselves..theres always something else that you can do to make yourself a better person and maybe if more people realized that instead of trying to argue about other people who they have nothing to do with at all..this world might not be so fucked up. but nonetheless, ignorance is always going to be a part of life and you have to learn to accept it and move on just knowing who you are yourself, because the people who criticize you arent you and its just gonna be their own fault if they dont take the time to get to know you. gossip and discrimination only gets one so far, and eventually it gets old. you just have to learn to ignore the people who will never change and try to work with the people who have the potential to be so much more than that. thats all there really is to it, life i mean, just try to survive, have fun and stay happy with yourself no matter what anyone else says to try and interfere. if you try to convert into what somebody else says you are, you wont get anywhere. because if everyone else in the world was taken away from you all you would have to live with would be yourself, and if thats something that you believe you are because of something that some ignorant bastard says, you cant live like that. well enough of my rambling. about ray, im not sure where he is but i cant wait to talk with him. until then though, i guess im just hoping that i can trust him, because thats the base of a relationship. until next time people, goodbyes -Stephanie

p.s- something robby also said to me, was that ray is a lucky guy..it makes me think if ray feels the same way about himself or not..just something else i must discuss with him i suppose...and i qwas talking to saira last night as well, and it old her all about ray and how he meant alot to me and she asked me if i told him that and it made me think. no i didnt tell him that. but i should...and i will as soon as i get the chance..thanks guys, i love you.

want saix?


:: 2003 24 June :: 9.08 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Ataris-In this diary

yeah...hi
like i said...things always seem to get worse once they start getting better. tis just my luck i suppose. well i havnt heard from ray in 3 whole days now. i wonder how hes doing, or WHO hes doing as a matter of fact. i really care about him and i never meant to get emotionally attatched to another person ever again but he just came into my life at a very complicated time and well, shit happens. i miss him. and at this point, i dont know if i even should. i talked to kristen and bryan recently and they told me a little bit about his disturbing "reputation" with the people that he dates. it seems kristen caught him cheating on her a while after they went out. and danny told me that he cheated on this other girl 4 times with 4 different other girls. bryan basicly implied the same thing. i know you cant really change people but damn, i really wish that i could. i want to talk to ray about this so bad and i know that i need to. again, i went up to the skate park earlier today and i saw his "mom" there and it seems that she hasnt heard from him either lately. goddamn i really wanna see him and straighten things out just to know where we stand. i dont want to break up with him but i dont know if i can trust him either with all of this news that ive been getting from people that know him better than i do obviously. erin says that i should break up with him before things get worse and i really get attatched to him but i would rather just try to clear things up with him myself rather than give up on everything all together because when i look at it in another light, hes like, everything ive wanted in a guy. the badass, the sexual half, the sweet cuddling half, funny, great personality, outgoing, just...everything, his whole, "-ness" just puts me in awe and i cant get enough of it. i thought his only flaw was that he smoked, but even that doesnt bother me as much as all of the facts that have been put into new light as of the other day, what bryan and everyone said i mean. i wonder if ray really does care about me, or if hes just using me. or whats really wrong with him that he hasnt come around lately. im just really concerned i guess. and theres no way to find out what hes really up to unless i can talk to him in person and set everything right, or at least try to. im talking to danny now, and he hasnt heard from him either. joey said that he would talk to ray for me, and joey also told me not to get that upset over it because "rays nothing to get this upset over"...but i mean..isnt he? i mean i would rather get upset over he who hasnt really hurt me just yet/....then have my entire stomache lurch and sulk every time someone brings up zane and all of our old problems. and you know what? ray also was in the process of helping me move on and away from all the zane bullshit..even though he doesnt know about it. hes really something else. god i hope we dont split up. i feel like he MUST care about me in a way, because its like, he knows that when he smokes it bothers me...so he always asks me and he gets so upset when he thinks that im mad at him. that has to mean something right? or am i just imagining it? i cant be..afterall weve only been together a few days and he didnt have to ask me out to begin with after what happened at the skate park. but he still did. that HAS to say something...god i hope so. then, the other day erin was all serious when we were up at the skate park and she told ray that we needed to talk to him about something...and he looked soooooooooo sad because he thought that i was going to break up with him. then he kept on telling me that he loved me. i mean, he never even said that to kristen...and he was so persistant about it too! i thought he was so awesome and so did erin! god, i hope that he doesnt mess this up for himself and well, us. i wish he knew how much i appreciated all of this. and i hope that what im thinking hes doing right now isnt really happening. all i want is to stay with him and be able to trust him. itd be so nice to think that i could change the way someone is, for the better i mean. i hope everything works out in the end.. i havent been this happy in so long. if only he knew... hes like...one of the best guys ive chosen to go out with =/ ::sigh:: -Stephanie

"All I need is a moment, a chance to get away from the stressfulness of every day. I know if I don't question and I never doubt, everything is gonna' be okay."

want saix?


:: 2003 22 June :: 4.54 pm
:: Mood: essited....or AM i?
:: Music: ..yeah...THAT one..

ray peed in the bush!!!..."So you havent updated in forEVER"
yeah..i havent updated in a while have i...yeah whatever. uhm...im going out with Ray now...wow..wasnt gunna tell nebuhdee but ppl find out anyway. so i gesh i did. just bin going too the sk8 park alot lately..new hang out place.. erins here for a while! yeeeees! hopefully she can stay longer....bang bang bang..... =) yeah well...not alot to say, ppl have bin scaring me all morning about ray and his "rep" ...but he just doesnt come off that way u kno;? and anywayz, hen likes him..so for now until hes on top of somebody rigiht in front of me i gess i can let it slide...::sets up cameras all ovr his house:: ..yeah...but reeally hes awesome..aww...i wuv him. bleh...wells im gonna go cus i needta keep the hen company...yeah thats right! ill update l8er..but dont even THINK that means youre gettinng juicy info on me and ray..dont even THINK on it. hmph. i see you losers. ::pulls you all out of the bush::...he peed in there. yeah thats right. pee on who? pee on YOU! bye fuckers. -Ste[p]h






so youve decided to kill yourself.....

want saix?


:: 2003 13 June :: 2.14 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: The Offspring- Self Esteem

of which i have n o n e..but thats alright.
yeah..whatever. yesterday was the last da of school and i ended up going afterall. i basicly made a promise to myself that i wouldnt cry when it was all over but like everything else i broke that promise as well. i think it was my friend sharleens fault because she said she was going to miss me and then she started crying. and then as everyone was walking out the door ms. holland was hugging everyone and she started crying so then i went and hugged her and i bursted into tears. then i got saira and michelle crying as well. and renee began to tear up but then she just broke out laughing..go figure. oh well thats just her. then i saw jew boy and got even more sad cus i doubt ill see joshy much over the summer unless its at the mall. so i hugged him and we walked out of the school with our arms around eachothers waist..yeah that was pretty fancy. welll i was pretty much done crying when i saw greg outside..then i got teary again because im just retarded like that. then greg saw me crying and he started crying and he told me he wuved me and then he hugged me and when he bent down to do so he started crying all over my cheek and my shoulder, which only made me cry more. then i watched him get on his bus to go home, and after that i returned to kathy, renee, melody, and jennifer. i said goodbye to saira and then she left as well. and then melody. nd i was just having minor sobs after that. i didnt say goodbye to zane that day but i doubt it would have mattered to him anyway because he got to spend the entire day with his beloved ashley whom hes dating and bragged about so unprecautiously. whatever..at least he got some that day. well, then kathy and renee came over and we all hung out at my place for a while. kathy left first and then renee left a little while later on. i was grounded for something that happened between me and my mother at home, so i coouldnt go online or anything.i tried to go on later on that night to look for warped tour dates, but my mom caught me and took my lap top ouot of my room. well this morning she left with my grandma so i just hung out and did a whole bunch of nothing at home, and then i went online which im doing now and currently im arguing with zane. oh fun, please note the sarcasm. ugh, i hate this. goodbye.

want saix?


:: 2003 11 June :: 9.32 pm
:: Mood: *tear*
:: Music: "rest in peace" off of the buffy musical soundtrack..performed by james marsters.

cant stop crying... =/
these past couple days have been a bunch of mental hell for me. and if you dont want to hear about it or youre tired of hearing about it then get the hell out of my journal because thats why this piece of crappy emotional mess is here! anyway, i havent talked about anything like this with friends in a while. i guess i felt it best to leave it alone so i wouldnt have to bring it up but nothing is changing, or getting better or even going away. and i hate it. i wanna just fall to the floor and scream and cry and curse obscenities as loud as physically possible and even louder because i feel like the only one who hears me or is listening is myself. and its my fault you know, because people offer all the time if i want to talk about it but i shun them all away. so in a way i shouldnt even be complaining, but i cant talk about it i just cant. because i completely fall apart and whats left of me is nothing more then a ball of emotional bullshit. tomorrow is the last day of school, and in a way, i couldnt be happier. maybe there are a few people that i am going to miss but to hell with all of it because i just need to escape. i need to get away and keep on running until theres nobody around to stop me, i just want to move away to some isolated deserted island and just beat the crap out of myself until i lie as a bloody pulp on the floor, motionless and distraught. in a way it feels like things are already looking like that you know? and i feel like i have everything and absolutely nothing all at the same time and NOBODY can do anything about it. especially not myself. like im become something so horrible that nobody could ever understand and the thoughts are just screaming inside of my head for someone to let me out of here! but its impossible for anyone to notice them. how i long for everything to just be ok, but it never is! never! even when it feels like it something always comes along and screws things up all over again and most of the time its my damn fault. like im just doomed to live with this pain and pent up anger. until i burst and theres simply nothing left, if im even considered something now. i love mike, i really do, but i dont know if i should be "with" in this way when i still have all of these emotions for well, this other person. i know he says he doesnt care but i think hes just playing along to keep me happy so that i wont feel like hes jealous or something, even though he really isnt the jealous type. today though, this was something completely different. im just trying to cope with the fact that hes been seeing someone else now, and its finally catching up with me even though it hasent felt so real. and i was laughing and having a good time and everything, i really was! but then i just turn the corner and i see the two of them kissing, and its like..i dont know. i just got really teary and my wee tiny heart shrivled into nothing and sunk into my stomach. and i just want all of it to stop! goddamnit! i dont want to get like this every damn time that i see him with her but this is actually the first time that ive witnessed them doin something like that and it just...ugh it hit me really hard. and i wasnt alright for the entire rest of the day. i had to hold it in and it sucked worse then anything else ever. i saw kathy in the hallway right before 5th hour after he said hi to me and she walked over and i told her what happened and even after i just mentioned it i wanted to go hurl myself in the direction of the bathroom and throw up. god i felt so bad. so bad that i was so damn pathetic when i have to get used to it eventually. but i feel like i wont ever...because they woudlnt even be together if i didnt mess things up! and i started thinking about all of that again and it just got me even sicker. and kathy offered to go to the bathroom with me and talk to me and stuff but i just couldnt take it because i cant stand people asking me whats wrong anymore because its just too much to have to explain. i dont mind about kathy because shes one of my best friends and shes always helping me with things especially involving this subject, but if i got all red and had to go back to class, the 3rd degree would be neverending. and i just couldnt take it. already in the hallway as i was walking away from her i felt myself tear up and i was even around mikey joseph and maria! god..hell of a pair to lose yourself completely in front of. im being sarcastic. =/ so i sucked it up like a trooper until i got home and cried my internal organs out on my bed. then later on my mom went to take my sister to her girl scout meeting and i went to mc donalds with ash,sam,and mike. we got back and everything was alright for a while. then almost everyone left and mom came home and said i had to babysit while she and eva went out to the mall. so thats what im doing now with a bit of company. its so hard to even smile these days. i just want out. you think california is far enough away from sunrise? me too. ugh. like i said b4, im so glad tomorrow is the last day. the people who really matter ill probably end up seeing over the summer anyway so thats not a big deal. everyone else can go screw themselves because i have too many damn memories at bair. and most of them just so happen to be painful as hell. im so numb and its killing me. just eating away at me slowly until theres absolutely nothing left. and ive finally chosen to just sit back and let it consume me. i fucked things up between me and him when i would have had a chance. case closed. and shes even going over to his house tomorrow and i just cant stop thinking why i care about what they do. but inside my heart i know exactly why. goddamn. i need some pills. a fucking truck load of them. *sobs* im just glad in a way that i wont have to face him and her, or at least her in school anymore after tomorrow. god i hope that things will get better. i cant go on living like this, i know it isnt healthy but i cant stand to do anything about it and even if i wanted to i feel like there isnt anything i could do because ive tried getting over my feelings for him way too many times before and nothings seems to be working. i sit and try to believe that hes the most horrible person in the world and i just cant, just ANYTHING to convince me that hes not worth it and it just doesnt work damnit! and i cant take it! i cant be forced to live in a world that has him in it! i just cant! not with everything weve been through slowly turning into a whole bunch of nothing. i cant sit back and watch that happen. its too much, just like everything else. i feel so jealous, and stupid, and slutty, and just..everything. and i am you know? damnit. get me the fuck out of here because if this is some sick fucking joke i just wanna go home. -Stephanie

want saix?


:: 2003 10 June :: 2.01 pm

..stuff
well hey there buddy whats up?wellshit sucks as usual. imin my5th hour class right now and they are in the process of having apizza party.i didnt pay so im not involved with it,not a big deal though. im tired as hell and things just keep on getting worse.i dont know why i even try anymore because things are never gonna be the same between me and him. in case youre wondering,yeah it DOES happen to suck the biggest balls ever. i guess i havent had the time to update in a while soz im gonna try to remember all of this crap. welltoday kathy might come over after school and if she does im gonna steal her pretty happy bunny pen. im so pissed off right now, cus i dont think erin is gunna be able to come over this weekend.hopefully our plans will go through for once.::crosses fingers::cus i had a concert to go to but if she comes down then i just wont go. yupyup. then friday i might go to the mall..so well have to see how everything works out. kristen didnt come to school today.i miss her. shes my sexy bitch.yup yup. we got little certificates just now for being in the yearbook..i won for fastest typer..interesting, only not really. but it was a nice gesture. well the bells gonna ring soon so ill go and probably update again later. bye.-Stephanie

want saix?


:: 2003 6 June :: 5.51 pm
:: Mood: pissed the fuck off. >.<
:: Music: *manson*fight song*

****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so it's almost 6 at night now, and i doubt very seriously that erin's going to show up. well all of those plans are now shot to hell. ive called her about 4 times since 3:00 in the afternoon and she hasn't answered the phone or anything, maybe i should have given up around 5:00 and just went to the mall with renee. well 4 get that. if she wasn't going to show up i just wish she would hav called me or something to let me know watz goin on. or called me back. urgh. now i dont even know what im gonna end up doing tonight. latetia and ashley came over here earlier after me and ashley and sam got back from 711. they tried to drag me over to latetias house and get me to go to the dance but im like uh excuse me...no. i dont need to sit and watch a bunch of fags dance around and act stupid excuse my fucking french. 8th grade isnt that special and f you think its such a big deal now you little retards arent even in highschool anymore. there are plenty more dances ahead so just shut up and leave a girl to herself damnit. ugh!

want saix?


:: 2003 6 June :: 2.24 pm

...yeah..
well damn..alot of shit has happened lately. i actuallly got ahold of erin last night and we made plans for her to come down to ft lauderdale for a while and bum around with me until like sunday. i just have to talk to my father about if he can take her home on sunday or not. thats really all that we need to know now and then everythings set. which im happy about because i need to see her again its been forever and all this crap has been goin on and i feel like i have to update her on everything. plus she has to meet some of my mentally challenged friends. well, i stayed home from school today because they were holding an award ceremony and i know i shouldnt have received anything, plus after that half of the 8th grade was gonna be picked up early anyway to go get ready for the dance and wotnot, which i am NOT attending for the last godforsaken time. kathy and cara and ms. holland were bugging me about it yesterday after 6th hour but none of that really affected me. sorry guys. i just dont "do" social gatherings like that of the 8th grade dance, im trying to stay as far away from that school as possible if i can. to tell you the truth, sure ill miss a few people when im gone but i honestly cant wait to get the hell out of there. i have way too many memories there with people attending that school and its going to be such a release to just say to hell with all of it and move on with my life, meet new people, earn a new identity different from that of the one which i have gained for myself at bair. i guess ill always be searching for something more than what i already have, tis just human nature i suppose. that or its just that theres a possibility that i can never be satisfied...but im attempting to look on the bright side for once and give myself a shot. ive been depressed all over again lately. i broke up with eddie yesterday because theres so much i need to work out with myself and i just dont feel that its right to try and juggle a relationship all at the same time. plus me having feelings for another person, completely disregarding the fact that they think im anybody anymore just proves that i cant handle a relationship with eddie right now. it wouldnt be fair for him and i dont want to seem like im leading him on. i probably should have gotten it off of my chest to him sooner but i had to think of how i would say it so that he didnt think i was just making up excuses to break off the relationship. but all is done now and only time may tell what happens for here on out. i feel like theres always going to be a part of me that ill never be able to quite, "find" again. i think i lost that a long time ago, along with some of my sanity. im so unhappy with myself its pathetic and i feel like just as soon as everything starts to get the least bit better it all just crumbles into my lap again and all thats left is me dealing with a bunch more bullshit and complaining about it as always. i feel like itll just never go away and im just getting sucked further into this black whole that i can never change. i was a fool to think that things would actually start to get better as bad as they were and while i try to fill all of my friends with this advice of hope and whatnot im just being a giant hypocrite. people have a right to feel like their world is crashing down around them because the truth sometimes is that it really is. i know i have friends that want to help but i get bitchy when they ask about it because i just dont want the help. i want it gone, everything. and i expect only myself to be able to take care of it. maybe thats not the smartest thing but it works for me. ive never felt so lonely on the inside before and its like nothing anybody says can ever take all of that pain and frusteration away. or even make any of it better for that matter. people can try but it just doesnt do it, im just untouchable i guess. in all of the worst ways. and im just feeding all of my emotions until it all just comes up and eats me alive and the truth of the matter is that i just dont even care anymore, abotu anything, anyone, anyplace, anyhow. just take all of it away. lock me away somewhere where ill never have to see the light of day again. why have me on this earth wasiting this life that i lead when some aids ridden or crippled person can be doing it for me. i have the health thing down pat, just not the emoitional material to handle all of this. someone else deserves this life more than i do and i know that. im just here to take up space and thats not me complaining im just saying what i feel. so if you have a feeling that im just whining about it to get attention. then fuck you. because if i was, and youre the one reading this entry then obviously it worked now didnt it? but of course nobody thinks of that. its called stradegy. its called living on this earth until you cant take it anymore, and ive seen well past my share of enough. enough of everything. it just doesnt matter anymore and it all can bounce right back up at me and bite me in the ass if it wants to because i cant even feel the damn pain anymore. its all just a cloud of emptyness surrounded by all of the feelings that i dont ahve anymore. i just cant feel anymore period even when i try to. i cant even cry anymore because what good would it do? nothing. and in a way i dont care. i dont care about myself or making good with everyone else because were all going to die some day so why wit and waste my time? thats all that it really is and ever was to begin with. its all been more than i can handle and im just waiting for it all to come crashing down on me like it always has. ive given up all hope of ever having another relationship with *him* ..im glad that hes happy but if his bitch continues to make dirty looks at me in the hallways or anywhere EVER again i wont hesitate to slit her fucking throat. because whats more fun then being suicidal with homicidal tendencies huh kiddies? might as well go out with a bang. at least thats my take on all of it . i understand why he gave me a feeling of hope though. i really do. to side track me so that i would leave him alone for the time being. well for a while it actually worked i must say, but it all remains the same. its just like any other day and im stuck in the middle drowning in everything ive ever been able to feel and its just a matter of time until i sink to the very bottom and lose myself completely. that doesnt sound too bad right about now either, almost a little too inviting. well, goodbye folks.

want saix?


:: 2003 1 June :: 11.49 am
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: *audioslave*like a stone*

quiz thing+

According to the Which Something Corporate Song Are You? Test...




yeah...theres a quiz. uhm..not much has happened so far this morning. i woke up and got screamed at by my mom to help my sis with her math homework. did that, ate some french toast sticks and snuck online. now im talkin to zane and sam. k well..bye

want saix?


:: 2003 31 May :: 11.07 pm
:: Mood: shitty
:: Music: *Manson*Coma Black*

yo
well there isnt really much to say. i ended up going to the mall at like 7. my dad picked up renee and took us to the mall. we met up with zane, jeremy, quinton, and bryan. then we all just stood there at the oasis entrance like retards for a while. then we ransacked the bookstore for the longest time ever. not really doing much of anything but humping eachother, slapping eachother's asses and the likes of that, which come to think about it isnt different from what we always end up doing when we go out in big groups like so. well a bunch of shyt happened in the bookstore and then we went to claires where we dragged jeremy in and the rest of the boys stood outside. then we walked around the mall a bit more and went to the food court, i got a pretzel and we all sat down at the table. i was sitting on jeremys lap and sharing a lemonade with zane and a soda with quinton because im oh so special like that..only not really. i saw paula and natalie there, and they were with my fiance Josh, who didnt pay much attention at all to me and who actually ran away when i was going to say hi because hes a sadistic prick and im not ever going to talk to him again, and yes i actually DO mean that for once. he was also there with his friend kenny who has QUITE the obsession with my boobs, oh well. everyone still thinks hes gay. i cant blame them either. moving on. next we went to the music store where i got the new marilyn manson album and the boys got some glow sticks. then we all sat in those massagy chairs out front after i started up a conversation with one of the workers at the music store. he was nice and he said he liked my boots. interesting. well quinton sapped me in the boob really hard and that really fucking hurt and it pissed me off alot. so i stole his glasses, jeremy took them from me and then eventually he got them back after i threatened him a few times. i was pretty much pissed the rest of the night and renee became very quiet and sullen all of a sudden as we were walking out to leave. the guys were all acting stupid and running around and shit once we walked outside of the mall. renee laid on the ground and i just sat around the corner behind one of those large block things and cried to myself. zane came over and asked what was wrong but i didnt care to tell him. then we all got up and started walking again...just lots of walking went on and not a word was said by me or renee until we got to the oasis again and i followed renee into ghiradellis, in the bathroom. i still dont know what was wrong with her but im not going to bother her about it either. i saw kaan at ghiradellis and he said hi and gave me a hug before i followed renee in. when me and renee got back out of ghiradellis all of the guys were gone. so we walked around ALL over the damn oasis looking for their asses, but couldnt find them anywhere. i saw curtis and he actually had the audacity, believe it or not, to try and strike up a conversation with me while he was wrapped around mary. excuse me, if you want to talk to me i suggest you NOT be groping another human being in the process. thankyou come again. he has nerve and A LOT of it. ugh. whatever i really dont fucking care. it just pissed me off at the time because i was already upset about my own issues. we stormed off and found jeremy and zane by the movie theater entrance. then kristen ran up and hugged jeremy and then ran over and sed hey sexy and hugged me. she sounded drunk or something. she wanted to kiss me and normally i wouldnt mind but my eyes were about to explode. plus jeremy picked her up and put her around his waist when the whole entire night he was sitting there flirting with me. thats just fucking retarded and thats the last time i ever show affection towards him again. tis fucked up. you dont bounce from one chick to another in a matter of 30 minutes, you just dont. bryan and quinton disappeared and we heard from jeremy and zane that bryan got picked up. nice right? he was our ride home too, i guess he had other plans in the end. ugh. what the fuck ever. zanes sister was nice enough to give me and renee a ride home though. so that worked out i guess. except that i started crying in the car. great. i think zane heard be because he kind of caressed my arm...i thought that was sweet, considering that i figured he wouldnt care, or wouldnt think on it. well i got home and it took forever for my dad to let me in the damn house so i was eaten up by mosquitos in the process. just wonderful. im still itching by the way, if anyone gives a damn. all in all, most of my day sucked ass. erin never showed up so that blew me away completely. but then again i must learn not to get my hopes up because very rarely does anything go through for stephanie. well, i WAS talking to zane online a few minutes ago but he had to go to jeremys. so whatever now i have nothing to do so ill probably turn in, in like 30 minutes or so. bye. --Stephanie

want saix?


:: 2003 31 May :: 2.22 pm
:: Mood: tired/happy happy
:: Music: ~*Manson*Tainted love*~

voolakasha!!
hey peoples whats up? not much here..i just got back from renees a lil while ago..fun fun fun. yesterday was muh birthday so i slept over at her house last night after everybody left my place. well ill talk about that later but right now i shall get into the field trip to universal that went on thursday. woot woot. so here we go. okay, kathy called my house thursday morning at like 3 sumthing to wake me up because shes kewl beans like that. i was so very very dead for like 30 minutes and i remember rambling on to her about a bunch of shit that probably doesnt even make any sense. oh well. then i spent like 20 mins looking for a cd case so that i could bring a bunch of muh cds to listen to on tha bus. fun fun. later on i got off the phone with kathy and fixed up my hair and my makeup. renee called and said she was on her way over with her datty. there was a cockroach on mi damn wall thast scared the crap outta me. but i really didnt do anything about it...ick. well renees datty took us up to Bair in our crappy little orange t shirts. he dropped us off on the street by the school and we walked the rest of the way. yup. erm..we went to our table int he cafeteria and renee checked us both in cus im a lazy bitch. bwahhahaaha. anywayz, i read notes from sandy to jonathan and it was hilarious cus sandys such a slut. ew them two together..that just isnt right at all.. scaryness. okay well the bus ride there wasnt that exciting..listened to music most of the time and talked wiff renee. the little bastards sitting behind us were really starting to piss me off and i downed like 4 tylenals because i had a headache. they were playing movies on the bus. pretty gay ones though. lilo and stitch and harry potter 2. ergh. i didnt pay attention to them though. nikki and kasey were sititng in front of us, kaylani and sara or h.e the fuck you spell it were next to us and in front of nikki nd kasey were courteni and courtney. yeppers. renee and courtney were passing notes so i kinda zoned out. then me and renee were laying on eachother and piggin out on candy that i brought along for the trip. at the first rest stop we didnt really see anyone there. no one interesting at least. so we just went in for a few minutes and courtney checked out something to buy for her mom event hough she didnt end up getting anything. then we went back out and waited by the bus. mr sloan and ms clock were our chaperone ppl..ugh they sucked balls. mr sloans a big hypocritical douche wad who can burn in hell..no really, he can. PLEASE. ergh. well then we kept on driving and we were like the last bus to end up at universal. we met up with matt and quinton who were standing outside our bus before we even parked! scaryness. but i already knew they were gonna stalk us. renee was really pissed off about it or at least it seemed like she was. the first ride we went on was twister. not fun at ALL. but we saw maria and jessica up there and we made "the family", i cant remember who we assigned the relations to but oh well it doesnt matter anywayz. well that ride sucked ass and renee was depressed and pissed off for the longest time it seemed. then we went on jaws and it still sucked and matt and quinton kept poking at my boobs and my ass. after jaws we went to go get ice cream and we all sat out in front of the little shop and jammed to old songs. fun fun. then we got up and i cant really remember where we went next..but eventually we all kidnapped ivan and he joined our little group. we ran into eddie up at the men in black thingy and from there we went into a massive ass attacking thing where we all were running around smacking eachothers asses and whatnot. i went to the bathroom and my ass was like blue. lol. damn people. but it was all in good fun. teehee. well then we stopped at a gift shop when we left all the guys at the men in black thing. i had a bee or something on the back of my t shirt and it wouldnt come off...scaryness much. i was screaming for renee and courtney to get it off but they were being stupid and renee was screaming "just rub up against the wall or something!!" funny shit. well the guys were pissed when we got back cus we kinda told them that wed be out front..lies. matt was being fresh with me the entire time and thats all you REALLY need to know about him. ivan got me a penguin at the gift store. eddie got me a bigger penguin holding woody. and quinton got me a chilly willy the penguin pendant which im wearing right now. cuteness. and i picked kathy up a squidward pin because she didnt get to go on the trip. ::sniffle sniffle:: k so..yeah the rest of the time nothin really happened. we went over by a food place to rest and renee ran up and slapped crash bandicoots ass. cus hes her baby' datty. funny shyt as wellz. mmhm. hes the homie. well we all hugged like 50 million times and took lots of pics together at the end. i surprised myself because i NEVER take pictures, lol. oh well. then we all crashed out on the floor by the buses and talked and shyt and matt was still all over me. i gave eddie a hug and a kiss and he went to his bus. then it was just me,matt,renee,ivan, and quinton and courtney. yuppers. we got back on the bus and started on the way back to the rest stop. in the bus i fell asleep on renees lap and i guess some people were trying to take a pic of me sleeping or something but they didnt. friggin weirdos. at the pit stop renee woke me up and i stumbled my way out of the bus. renee carried me on her back and i saw big greg i got a hug and a kiss from him and a hug from kaan and robby. then renee ran off because ivan was chasing her for some odd reason. renee came back shortly and got some "hoe soda" aka sprite, and she was pretending to hit on my language arts teacher..i cant wait to see what ms holland has to say about that on monday. peachyness. i bucked some cheesy combos from ivan and trampled back to the bus, hiding them from mr slan and ms clock. then me and renee split the hoe soda and renee turned int0 her split personality, bonquisha or whatever, and started talkin all ghetto. again with the funny shit. she was disturbing nikki and kasey and it was really awesome. then kasey and nikki found out she was bi and that was even better because renee was pretending to hit on me and kasey and nikki were like wtf??? ..yeah greatness much. it doesnt matter though cus we tight like that. i almost fell asleep again on the bus but i didnt. when we got back me and renee wandered around and then we decided to just walk to my house and have my dad drive renee home from there instead. we ran into melody on the way out and i gave her a hug and stuff cus shes kewl beans like that. yupyup. you know why? cus hoooes gotta drink too! wee. ok anyway we walked back to my house and on the way i called zane. renee was acting all crazy and she had this man voice goin on and she kept sayin "my name...ees vi-o-let"..yeah it was pretty great. in short, we got back to my house and my dad drove her home. i went on the comp for like 5 minutes and i was talking to zane. i knew he had read my letter by now so i was nervous as fuck. he didnt mention anything about it though. i got off the computer and went to bed because i had a headache, i was tired and my feet were hurting really bad from all of the walking that day.
<>My Birthday<> my mom came in and woke me up and i struggled to stay asleep. but she got me up anyway and my grandma was over. she gave me a few presents and then i wandered into the shower. when i got out sam was there and so i went into my room in my bath robe and got dressed. i came back out and i was in a really pissy mood for some reason. i guess i kinda know why but i wont mention anything in here. me and sam sat at the table and i was eating grapes. then my mom told me and sam to go in my room and she said that i should start cleaning up. same gave me a cd that she has made for me, i thought it was really sweet and that actually got a smile out of me. the first of that morning. the songs on it were really fancy. then me and her attempted to straighten up my room. we watched some tv as well. then shortly after that my mom came in and told me that i had to clean the patio. well, when i went to the door and looked out there was a bunch of decorations up and renee,bryan,zane,jeremy,emma, and ashley were standing out there. i knew that they were planning something but this was pretty tight. i ran away kinda after standing outside for like 2 minutes because i kne wmy hair looked horrible. then i went back out and exchanged hugs with everybody. mums brought a pinata out and we beat the shit out of it, or the candy i should say. bwah. there was candy everywhere and we were all throwing it at eachother. and shoving ice down eachothers shirt and pants. then everybody threw me in the pool with my clothes on and i was holding on to ashley so she fell in too. twas funny. we all got together and threw jeremy in and then bryan and emma just jumpe din cus they fancy like that. we couldnt get zane in though but i got him in eventually. eddie showed up a while later and ALL of us banned together and threw renee in the pool. then we all got in and started beating the crap out of eachother. kathy showed up later on too and we got her in the pool as well. there was just alot of smacking and screaming and being stupid going on in the pool but it was all awesome. zane stayed kind of distant from me for a while but then as i was walking by him by the pool he said that he had to tell me something and that hed tell me later. so i thought about that forever, lol. being the curious one that i am. eddie sam and ash chilled by the pool for a while. we all kept on fighting and humping eachother in the pool which is always a good time. heh. then we had cake. jeremy took a piece of cake and put it in my bathing suit bottom and smashed it all around. i have NEVER had so much icing crammed in my ass and my crotch in my entire life. thatw as just wrong. so i ran in the shower and got it all out, yuck. then came back out and spilled icing on everyone. we went back in the pool and was spraying soda all over eachother and clinging on to eachother and just being stupid. fun fun fun. then eddie went in the house and my mom threw his clothes in the dryer so he was only wearing a towel. well me and renee followed him into the house and stripped his towel off in my moms livingroom. so funny. renee says he has a nice ass, which he does mind you. eh heh. he got a new towel and sat back with the others. jeremy was playing guitar. my mom was filming and i was licking everybody because im just the greatest person ever like that. emma nailed zane in the balls which wasnt cool. then me and renee and jeremy cornered eddie on the floor of the patio and jeremy looked away, held on to eddies towel and ran away with it. me and renee stole his other towel so he was just butt ass naked on the patio. awesomeness. then i gave him a towel and he put it on and hid behind kathy. he got the camera later on and was filming us all. then, eventually we all ended up in my livingroom after i helped my mom clean up everything we fucked up outside. we started to watch the ring but my dad wasnt feeling too great so he wanetd everybody to go home. zane pulled me off to the side and basicly said yes to the letter that i gave him. and ive never felt so happy in a long time. that lifted my spirit for the rest of the night,lol. i couldnt stop thinking about it and i told kathy about it and she gave me a hug and stuff. i felt like i was gunna cry cus im corny like that. lol. aww, hes so awesome. =) well me and zane hung out with bryan in the front yard while he was waiting for his datty. then kathy came out and chilled with us too. josh was riding aorund on his bike acting stupid as always, then he left. then i gave bryan a hug and he left. then me zane and kathy went back in the house. kathy left. then eddie. then me and renee walked jeremy and zane out and hung out in the street for a few minutes. then they left and me and renee went back into my house and had some more cake. i really wish erin could have been there because i missed her so much and i wanted her to meet everybody. ::cries:: hopefully she can come over today but its already 3 something and i havent heard from her yet so i doubt it. =/ urgh. ::tear:: ....well...i slept over at renees last night...we went through old notes and killed eachother and watched the lion king..i have no fucking idea why..but its all gravy baby. lolz. this morning we watched the ring and went on the computer at her place. and listened to really old music like ace of base and whatnot. interisante. then my dad picked me up and i came home and ate some more hoe cake. then i went on the computer and thats where i am now. woopty doo! im talking to zane, quinton, and emma right now and im trying to see if zane and jeremy can come over and chill for a while cus i dont really feel like going anywhere and i cant in case erin decides to show up on the doorstep. hopefully ::crosses fingers:: i might go to the mall tonight with everybody so well just hafta see what happens. if i can get ahold of all of them or not, well see. well im gonna wrap this up..hand achin from all the typin..bye people! -Stephanie

want saix?


:: 2003 28 May :: 8.21 pm
:: Music: *linkin park*faint*

getting better i suppose
*waves* oiy, i hope that rushing back into a relationship with eddie all of a sudden isnt something that ill regret. i mean i care about him, dont get me wrong..but there are just alot of things that im going through right now, mixed emotions and wotnot. and sometimes those things are just easier to work out by yourself..if you can stomache it. kathy gave zane the note today. and im like..::shakes:: my whole body was trembling earlier and i really want to know what hes going to write back to me. then again if its bad im kind of on the line of NOT wanting to know at all. but this all has to get cleared up, it just has to. i just keep thinking about that dream i spoke about in earlier entires and i can only imagine how absolutely wonderful things would be if that all came true. oh i wish, i really do! *crosses fingers and nearly faints* thats all i want in this life

* the field trip is tomorrow morning and i just cant wait! oh, life is looking so much better these couple days and now it all just rests in the hands of zane and his reply to my note. my heart has been shattered many a' times before by the same person and if it happens again i dont know what else i can do! but i know that it wont be pretty because im not very level headed when im depressed, anyone can tell you that much.

well today in school it was alright, we got our tshirts for the field trip, which i regret because they could look more gay. ugh, damn jennifer norwood. horrible person she is! stupid little t shirt...like i told all of my friends though, once we arrive at the park im just gonna turn it inside out. wee hee .::smirk::.

kathy came over after school today and it was really fun, eddie walked us both over to mi place, yippi! we just talked most of the time and i wrote her a note cus iy wuv her and she was saying how she has only gotten like one note since this year has begun. plus i had to bring up some stuff to her that i couldnt in front of my mom, heh. i wuv you kathy! and of course my fiance josh! ::smiles::..hes a hottie..lol. shush you didnt hear it from me.

kathy left and then i went to 711 to stock up on candy and gum and get everything together for tomorrow mornings trip! again im so excited, the bus ride is gonna be hell though, thank any superior being that we are allowed to bring headphones, yesh!! ::grins and blasts headphones:: whoopsys.

i already know that tomorrow on the trip my friends matt and quinton are going to stalk me and renee and she swears that shes going to kick their ass..its quite interesting actually. i do hope kaan is going on the trip but i highly doubt it. ::sniffle sniffle:: i know alot of people who arent going and it pisses me off because this is when i FINALLY decide to do ANYTHING school related outside of school. heh. just my luck i suppose ::tilts head:: =/

well im talking to emma right now, ::waves to john because she can:: so im gonna hurry up and wrap this up...oo also jeremy. eh heh. the one with the sexy friend john..and whos also gunna pierce my belly! hehe. koolness much. god...still very nervous about what zanes gonna say, wish me luck you guys! even though most of you dont even care but i do! its everything to me. and i know that probably nobody will be able to understand that but thats ok! because i do :::breathes because she feels like shes gunna start pacing across the room at any second:: okay my mind is thinking faster than my hands can possibly move so im gonna go before the keyboard of the computer explodes! bwah. love you guys, bye. hope that i dont get killed for some reason in orlando tomorrow! lols. i dont know why i would but im just a morbid thinker like that. heh heh. -Steph

want saix?


:: 2003 27 May :: 7.30 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: *mOBSCENE*Manson*

you never really know whats gonna happen...until it does.
sitting at home right now at the comp. some huge storm has set in so its pouring down rain. in a way thats how i feel on the inside. school was okay today i guess..i kind of ignored eddie because i was upset. but thats normal i suppose. in 2nd hour we were doin this memorial day thing where you shared what you did over the weekend..mine was pretty interesting because it said it had to have math terms..so i said i cried for 4 hours. yeah, creative right? moving right along..kathys gonna pass afterall, thanks god because i need her soooo much. and shell be attending piper too, *yay*. in 5th hour i was kind of depressed and i wrote zane a note. i thoughts about it alot and before 6th hour started i saw kathy and i gave her a hug and i started crying. so we went to the bathroom and i told her what was going on. we spent about 45 minutes of 6th hour in the bathroom, even though it didnt feel like that long. i told her about the note and explained what was going on. at fist i didnt wanna give zane the note because i felt like if he replied and it upset me then it all wouldnt have been worth it but im gonna let kathy give it to him anyway and see what happens.. then zanes girlfriend came in the bathroom and was like "youre stephanie right?" and im like yeah and iw as still kinda sobbing..well she gave me a dirty look and she asked kathy what was wrong with me. kathy didnt say anything though. i love her. we stayed in there and talked about everything from life to death and all thats in between. even the hygene in the bathroom! lol were such losers. oh well. well eventually i stopped crying and we talked some more about life with cara and marisa and mary. lol mary. then we went back to class and mrs holland pretended to yell at kathy so that the class wouldnt think that we got away with spending all that time in the bathroom. the bell rang shortlty after and i got a ride home with kathy. my mom was at a doctor appointment and she didnt leave the front door open for me so i had to crawl through the back kitchen window and over the kitchen sink. blergh. fun fun fun, only....lies. well its like 7:33 and they still arent home...i keep hearing noises in the house and i just watched the ring again yesterday so..gah..::shiver:: lol im sucha loser. i talked to zane earlier and i now have him in control of my pain killer supply because he doesnt trust that ill take the right amount and he believes ill overdose...which is prob. right. heh. ah yes, even after all of that relationship crap and wotnot that i wrote in the other journal im going back out with eddie again. his apologies seemed sincere enough and hopefully i was right. i cant take much more hurt right now. i really do care about him though. hes reading my journal right now which makes me nervous because well..i kinda spazzed out on one of the entries and i dont want him to be updet over it. i guess he cant be though because its how i felt at that moment and that was just my way of venting. ugh..still nervous though. lol. i hope he isnt that pissed off over it. im not ever gonna say things about the future anymore because things happen and we just do things at the spur of the moment sometimes. like how i said i never wanted a relationship again..i need to think more. i told you so renee! lol. god im sucha loser. its ok cus all my friends know that already and still they seem to hang out with me. hey that just makes YOU guys losers too! ::points nd laffs:: lol. im still kind of depressed i guess and theres no telling when ill get my way out of all of this but i hope its soon. because i hate feeling like this. i really do. its funny cus i was asking everyones opinion today on what i should do..jsut..about everything and i never really end up taking advice afterall. im just ignorant like that and hopefully ill get over it and through it all in one piece. i just feel so alone even though i KNOW i have people there for me and that just makes me feel even more stupid. like im some attention moocher or something. i guess ill never really know because sometimes my friends are too nice to tell me how i really am. i love them though, all of them. ..well..still home alone..blergh. listening to music from the tv. love this song "fine again" seether..mmm. well this ones for john:
John: i really didnt notice that i left you out of my entires before but god knows i shouldnt have. you are one of my closest friends and even after all that ive done to you by being a bitch and just..everything..youve always been there for me and not a moment goes by where i dont appreciate it.youre really something else and im glad that were friends. with all of that said.....stuart little 2. ::cackles::

well thats it people, another day another entry, byes! -Stephanie

~*It seems like every days the same
and I?m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there?s no color to behold
They say it?s over and I?m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I?m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there?s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
?cause I can?t seem to get this through
You say it?s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I?m dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I?m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you?re never gonna get away
And I?m not scared now.
And I?m not scared now. No?

I am aware now of how
everything?s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I?m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone?s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything?s gonna be fine
For me, for me, for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
I am prepared now for myself
I am prepared now, and I am fine again

want saix?


:: 2003 26 May :: 1.31 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: *christina aguilera*fighter*

damn the music video 4 that song ish scary...::hobbles away with stick thing::
jello people. well, last night was pretty fun. i went to the mall at like 9 with ashley, my next door neighbor. jeremy's friend john's mom gave us a ride up there. it was so friggin hilarious. first of all, half the time we were there we just ran around and acted stupid, which is ALWAYS good, especially since ive bin so down in the dumps lately and wotnot. yeah..so...they ran around and john kept on pole dancing and shyt..then him and jeremy ran around and were kicking those HUGE nasty bug things that are always up therre, around the oasis. there were SO many of them it was disguisting. but they would just run up and kick em and theyd go flying and me and ashley were cracking up nonstop. john was really neat. hes kinda hott too. but hes got a chickers so whateva. lol. he was being really flirty with me tho, which was quite interesting. he made me feed him starbursts and he kept on getting me to smack his bum and he scratched his name into my leg with a safety pin..yeah that was pretty funny. then him and jeremy kept on grabbing at my boobs and john got a kick out of my little squeal sound. we scared a bunch of ghetto people up therre, so that was pretty great as well. then john confiscated a butter knife from hardrock cafe and went around throwing it in the air and shyt because hes super sexy. then we went walking around the back of the mall and we saw skittles riding by on his bike. john screamed 'i know you!!!!!!" and started chasing after him..then some people we never even saw before walked by and said "get him with the knife" and then john found a toothbrush on the ground and screamed "toothbrush!!!" and kept on running after him..and the other guy was like "no get him with the toothbrush!" and the guy before sed "stick it in his ass!"..it was so great. well eventually john came back and we all continued walking...ashley didnt say much throughout the night except fight with john. lol. well aaaanyway...we kept on walking and there were stairs leading up to somewhere and john screamed out "staircase!!!!!!!!!!" then he ran up the stairs..yeah hes a crackhead. but hes still damn sexy. bwah. eventually jeremy found a shopping cart and he ran it off of a curb. then john ran up and threw it in the water..then the mall security was like youre gonna have to leave. and i kept on whispering to john to drop the butter knife in the bush and finally he did. then we had to sit there while one of the mall cops went and found jeremy because john pinned the incident on him. evil evil child..smart though. lol. well then we all went into the parking lot. some scary guy pulled up and asked john if i was his girlfriend and john was like, "no IM her girlfriend" it was great. then the guy asked if ashley was single and she didnt answer him she wa sjust like "whatever" and he said "you broke my heart" and he drove away..yeah that guy was friggin scary. johns mom called and told us she was on her way to come get us so we just walked around for a while longer. we went and sat down in the parking lot and jeremy and john tackled me in the grass and john was humping my leg and crap, lol. i couldnt sstop laughing. ....well we all made a dog pile and were killing eachother, even ashley. and then me and john took off with jeremys shoes and ran across the parking lot. eventually ashley and jeremy caught up with us and we stood out in front of the main mall entrance aand waited for johns mom. john got me to sit on his leg and stuff anf then he was like lets make jeremy jealous and he was holding my hand and crap. then jeremy and ashley were attacking eachother and me and john were talking. then they kept trying to get us to moon the cars that went by and john was just being fresh in which ways i wont state right now,lol. well his mom came and picked us up.

ashley spent the night last night and most of the time we were watching the metallica icon thing on mtv. james hetfield ish so sexy. lolz. we went to sleep around like 4. cus were fancy fancy like that.

this morning ashley left at like 11:15. then i had to get dressed and go with my dad to win dixie to pick up a couple of things.

i think ive come to a very important decision. if i decide to stay on this earth and tough things out there are a few things that i need to make clear to myself. maybe i can be in a relationship, but maybe i just shouldnt. its obvious im not happy with myself, so i cant expect anyone else to be. so i dont know if im going to see anyone else for a while. i know that may just seem like im saying it just because..but im actually thinking about it for once. theres things i need to get over, get through, and i cant be that selfish to another person in a relationship. thats the reason that eddie broke up with me to begin with, i was too wrapped up in my own issues. i would never justify what he did but im just saying..not everything is quite the coincidence either. =/ i still believe strongly that a relationship should be based on understanding, and trust, and the will to do so, so that two people can grow stronger together and learn to accomplish anything. but you cant always get that dependent on somebody like that. and right now i feel im just at that point where in a way, being single is good, but in other ways, i guess im afraid to go babck to having nobody. the only reason i would want to be single was for him. and thats just showing alot of dependence right there. so what does that really have to say about me? is that all that i am? i cant accept that and i know that nobody else would want to either. so for now its just me, myself, and i. to tough it out by myself, for myself, or to not. either way, if its gonna end, the only person who i want to be there is me.


one thing i will admit to though..no matter WHAT the hell it sounds like...
all i know is that, all my life, i have never loved anything more.

want saix?


:: 2003 24 May :: 11.18 pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: *bloodhound gang*the bad touch*

the little bastard
gah..eddie just broke up with me. i kind of expected it. but still his reasoning was gay. he said it was because i have been depressed lately and supposedly i wasnt giving him any attention. awww poor baby! go suck on your moms tit some more. im sorry im just really pissed off right now because he makes no sense. but kathy.. i told you so. you know how he sed he was SO in love with me? yeah well it took him only this long to decide that he was gonna tell bryan that he doesnt feel anything for me anymore. and he told me to fuck off and called me a bitch. im sorry but im so glad i didnt believe him from the start. guys can be so very stupid. im kind of sad..but only kind of. you know why? because i have a damn army of people who want to beat eddies ass now, and its really funny. why you ask? because hes a big gay, thats one. and two, because i didnt even ASK them to, they all just saw his reason for breaking up with me in our conversation and decided that he was a big fucknut. which he is mind you. i told you before, relationships just werent meant for me. maybe im supposed to be alone or something..or so it seems..or maybe that dream i was talking about is some type of weird preminition (sp?) cus i KNO i didnt spell that right...well im out i just thought i had to share tha....the little bastard..he doesnt kno what the fuck ive been through lately...for shame. still it kinda sucks. but not more than anyting else ive been going through lately, it just adds to the pressure. some people just cant be trusted. zane im sorry. i love you. im sorry i didnt let you kick his ass sooner....well..time to sulk again...=/ bye guys. -stephanie

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:: 2003 24 May :: 3.05 pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: *cold*stupid girl*

hi once again
this wont be very long. feeling the same as always recently. god..i miss him so much. somebody needs to slap me in the face for feeling this way. anybody. i seem so pathetic to myself. its storming and moms yelling to shut down the comp. ill fix up this entry later. bye......wow i told you id be back. its about 8:30 at night now. i talked to jeremy earlier and he asked me if i was going to the mall. my parents fucked over my plans for tonight so that wont be happening any time soon, the good thing is that i might be able to go tomorrow night. a part of me doesnt even want to go though, as much as i feel like i do. im being ripped in two different directions by myself. its like one side is saying, go ahead, have fun and try to forget about things..and the other is telling me to dwell on it and stay in my room and continue to think things over..like i dont deserve it or something. theres this other thing that i found to be pretty weird..never in my life have i had the same dream twice. well..last night was the 3rd night that ive had the same dream..it gets weirder though. the first time...it was just the beginning portion of it..then the 2nd night..a little bit more was added on from where that last one stopped off. and then last night i had it again. and it finished off. its odd so im not going to say what it was about or what it was involving..but it felt so real, like i expected to wake up the next morning with some of the features from my dream in tact. it was the strangest thing ive ever felt in my life. kinda scary in a way. i dont know what its supposed to mean though. is this the way that things are going to turn out in the end? it cant just be wishful thinking..because it was too perfect..all of it. and the way it just lleft off one night anf then continued right there the next two...it couldnt be. i havent told anyone about this yet. well i guess we'll see what happens. thats what updates are for. anyway, mike was really bothering me earlier. he asked about why eddie has been upset lately and i think i know why. mike was pestering me about it and i tried to explain that i just didnt want to talk about it but he kept going so i ended up kinda lashing out at him. i dont really feel bad about it though. its more my problems than it is eddies. and if eddie doesnt want to say anything to mike about it himself then thats between him and mike. they are way too confusing. well thats it for now so im gonna go. whyyyyy oh why cant things just start getting better? memories suck you know..they really do. *watches the ring because she has nothing else to do*
-Stephanie

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:: 2003 23 May :: 7.36 pm
:: Music: *Staind*Fray*

hello again
hello again. nothing much has changed, just feeling the same i suppose, maybe worse if its possible. tis the long weekend and i either have babysitting to do or just staying at home. the only excitement would be going to the mall but i dont even feel up to that lately, its odd. im not sure if ill discuss my problems with any of my friends anymore. i know they say that when you feel like crap you should talk about it, but that just doesnt seem like the case right now. i cant just lie and tell everyone im okay when they ask and i know im not, but i dont feel like i should tell them anything at all anymore, not about this subject at least. i just realized that it upset alot of people when i talked about it with them, and i didnt do it intentionally at all, but they just asked and im not one to lie when it comes to human emotions and wotnot. i love my friends more than anything else in my entire life, but theres just things i have to do for me every once in a while. all in good time they'll understand..yes thats it. theyll understand. they must. please? *cries* i feel like thats all i do lately...make people upset. and its true you know, nto that it would be a stretch, or anything out of the ordinary exactly. i cried today in 2nd hour, then again in 3rd hour and every time somebody would ask whats wrong all i could remember was shaking my head. the same thing went for lunch, and even 5th hour. finally i went to the bathroom and took something to make the pain go away for the moment. and it actually made me a bit hyper, until afterschool. i held up a facade though and i met up with melody outside of the school, and she said that she was walking home, so we stood out there for a while with andi and jen, and then started walking home a while later. it started pouring outside and my clothing, just everything got drenched. i came in the door and my mom told me to go take a hot shower, and she handed me my bathrobe. so i took her offer for the shower and everything was okay again for a while. when i got dressed i called zane, just to hear his voice before he went away for the weekend to his dad's place. it sounds like his life is doing so much better lately. he had to go so we hung up after a fit of silence. and i went on the computer...talked to kathy and bryan for a while before going back to my room and crying. i know you may think that i can just stop it just like that but its just the hardest thing in the world right now. ill be fine one moment, and then anything that even THREATENS relations to my little problem right now just sets me off and im a complete and total wreck. eventually i got up from my bed again and went back online and here i am now. all i can beg from any superior being that may exist, is please just end it for me. take me out of a world that has him in it. because i cant go on like this as much as i love him, it hurts way too much and i hate looking this pathetic, especially around him where he can see that somethings wrong. on the other hand, i feel like i have to keep my head held high, just a part of me feels this way mind you. its like i have to keep fighting for what ill never have just to satisfy my desires and keep myself from falling apart. i HAVE to have some hope that we might end up together again, as slim as those chances are. and i HAVE to walk around like everythings okay so it wont upset him. and i HAVE to make amends with him, i have to make it up to him i just have to. because i feel like when i stop doing all of these things..the single THOUGHT that i might hesitate on doing so..then i remember that hes really gone. just please, im begging whoever is responsible for this insanity called earth, just PLEASE get me out of here. im tired of feeling and being period. just everything is too much. all i want out of this life is death and i KNOW that cant be too much to ask for. i just know. ive been here long enough dont you think? ive felt almost every emotion possible and ive done my time, so just let me go now. im sick and tired of being a puppet to everything that i cant handle. and i know he would be better off without me, no matter how much he wants to deny it. i know everyone would, and they would move on eventually, i know this too. people die all the time right? just suck it up and move on..thats all you have to do. forgive me again, im being heartless. lately theres alot of that going around. with me anyway. i just wish i was half of the person my friends all think i am. i wish i could make them proud but im trying to do whats better for myself and i know that they dont agree. i wish i could be something so much better then this. and take away all of the pain everywhere, because i know theres a hell of alot of it. for now i can only deal with that of my own. and im tired of waiting for it to get up and go away, just tired. i want it over.



-I know, I should go. But i follow you, like a girl possessed. And it hurts me more, than you've ever guessed. If my broken heart could beat, it would break my chest. But i can see, you're unimpressed.

Well i want you notice, to notice when im not around. I know that your eyes see straight through me. And speak to me without a sound. As i walked out this morning, I cried as i walked to the door. I cried about how long i'd be away for. I cried about leaving you all alone. And i wanna hold you, protect you from all of the things ive already endured. And i wanna show you, all of the things that this life has in store for you. And ill always love you.

want saix?


:: 2003 22 May :: 9.57 am
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: *Staind*Zoe Jane*14 Shades of Gray*

wonder what's next...don't really want to know though.
hi. i feel really sick and weak right now. im home from school today because my mom wouldnt let me walk to school in the rain, and i didnt have a ride because she is sick as well. i cant believe i allowed all of this to happen all over again, and i think that if i had the chance i would let it again, because im just foolish and retarded like that. thats not me feeling sorry for myself because ive done enough of that lately...tis just me stating a fact. i just want so much to end all of it. it doesnt matter how much i say it because the more i do, the more i want to and the more likely i am. i cried myself to sleep last night, around 1 in the morning. i woke up around 4 and couldnt get back to sleep until around 5ish. woke up at 7:30 and started to get ready for school, just to find out at like 8, that my mom wasnt going to let me go anyway. parents are odd like that. i have a feeling she would have driven me to school if it were different circumstances. she probably knew something was wrong with me. or then again, maybe she didnt and im just hoping that maybe she cares. which i know she does but she could never understand. because its different for everybody when you lose someone you loved as much as i did. still i cant express it, and in a way i feel like i dont have to because it wouldnt matter to him anyway. its funny how one person can make such an impact on your life, make you feel amazing one day and then rip your heart away from you the very next. the world works in the most terrible ways, and im sick of it. i can never say that enough. i talked to erin last night. shes such a good friend, i miss her terribly. i wish she lived closer so that i could see her more often because i really need my big sister right now. i did talk to her on the phone last night though, for about an hour or so. and me being the most pathetic thing on this earth i cried to her and told her things that she probably would have expected from me. its probably me just falling all over again like i always do. i cant help it though. im not strong enough for that and i know it. erin did help though, even though she probably thought she couldnt. sometimes you just need your best friend to boost you up, afterall, nobody wants to be alone in times like this. unless youre f*cking crazy. why are we as human being so damn vulnerable? its almost like we enjoy pain just as much as we do pleasure, because the truth would hurt more than anything else sometimes. its not like i miss him, because i want to hate him as much as i love him. i just miss who i thought he was, the person who i thought cared for me so much and couldnt possibly hurt me so badly. but he did it again and i should have seen it coming. i might as well just settle in and get used to it but i know that i wont. because every time he hurts me its like something completely new and i always look at myself as this horrible thing who must have done something wrong. why doesnt he want me? and eddie..my poor eddie. caught up in the middle of this and because of what? my selfish desires. theyre so selfish even when i dont even know what they are. but i know it wouldnt matter anyway. i just hope that he'll have it in his heart to forgive me, because i hate to ruin something that could turn out to be the best thing i could have. i hate it though, when people look at me and think that me and *him* were just a phase, not eddie mind you people who have no idea. because its not. and i realized why even after trying to convince myself that it was in fact just a phase, just because i thought it would hurt less. but the truth is it never will. there is nobody in this godforsaken world who could make me feel so horrible except for *him*. nobody could take my heart and do to it what he has, and still get away with it. by now i should just look ahead and move on right? but its not that simple. i know it is for him because its obvious that what he said he felt, was never real. probably an act of sympathy or what have you. you cant spend forever trying to be there for someone who doesnt feel a thing for you. and you cant pretend that they ever will, or that they even think about you when you arent around. you cant spend forever trying to be everything you can for one person, or try to do everything you can, just to please them and only them. then again, you cant spend forever trying to please everyone else as well. so what are we supposed to do? just sit around and watch as life knocks us flat on our ass? i guess i realized that too little too late, and even then it feels as if its taking forever to sink in. he loves me not. i just keep repeating it throughout my head in hopes that it will help me move on, but it doesnt do anything for me at all. because i dont want to believe it. and i feel so bad that i feel bad for myself. i sit, and i cry, and i complain, and i think to myself, why am i the only one who has to feel this pain? why cant he just come back and make everything alright again? why dont i do anything about it? did he even care to begin with, or was it just simply wishful thinking at hand? why do i drag everyone else into my own problems when im feeling down, even though i know they probably have their own to deal with? will everything ever be okay once more or am i going to spend an eternity thinking about what i can never have again? why is it so hard? ....things of that nature. it just doesnt do it though. people go through shyt everyday, and i know its not only me. but still i have the nerve to go and feel this sorry for myself regardless. what do you call that? i guess i know why i always wind up alone in the end. maybe im not meant to have anybody and maybe i should have seen that all along. but maybes can only keep me content for so long. im like a time bomb ready to explode at any second, only there arent any wires you can clip to keep it from happening. and its just a matter of time too, thats all it really is. i don't want to see how it ends because the good guys dont always rush in and make it in time to save the day. well see what happens eventually. -Stephanie

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:: 2003 21 May :: 8.51 pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: "Fill me up"-Staind-14 Shades Of Gray

=/
hi.. =/ ...well all i have to say is...ibeuprofin or h.e you spell it..yeah..it kicks major @$$. im not quitw sure what was wrong with me..okay maybeb a little. moms been bugging me about it and naturally i dont wanna tell her about my social problems. my birthdays coming up as i must have mentions 50 times already, maybe even more just because i can. im STILL not sure what im doing..i want hen to come down here, thats one thing for sure. and i wanna see zane but i dont want him to fight with eddie. renee and kathy arent a problem..ashley and sam arent really either..i think they all can get along for a while. but anyway, those are my main people that i would want to spend my birthday with. so zane might come over around 1pm on friday, since we have no school and wotnot. im being forced to get up early even though its my birthday. we all might sneak into the movie, "Wrong Turn" With eliza dushku, because it comes out that day and ive been dying to see it. plus, my older sisters might be coming over so i guess well just have to see how all of that turns out.

today was kind of awkward. since the middle of 6th hour ive been really depressed and mellow all of a sudden. meds probably. but, that doesnt explain all of it. i went home, locked myself in my room, and listened to staind and cried for like an hour, coming out every once in a while to do household chores. oh the joy of that. i love the new staind album though, as with many of my other cd's, i can really relate to alot of the songs on the album.

right now im talking who zane, whos away at the moment....and watching i know what you did last summer, on the WB. old movie, but its still pretty good. afteralll, theyve only played it 10 million times on this station..whats the harm in that? : please note the terrible sarcasm.

you know what i just realized? i dont own a Manson shirt...i want one. =/ or a hoodie..thatd be pretty fancy just as well, even more so.

well i told myself this morning that iw ould write this in here, so here it goes, this one's for tara because i love her. "Fiducial"- There we go.

Sashas an asshole. if he touches me one more time im going to flip out on him and slam him up against the wall strangling him. what can i say? im a friendly kid. But honestly, hes always annoying me and im getting really tired of it. I was in a rage this afternoon after 6th hour in the hallway, he pushed me, and i almost tore his head off. Luckily for him kathy was there to cling to me and keep me from doing just that. It probably would have been funny though. I think i just might have scared Danni 'nd Sean though. Oh well, theyll get over it im sure.

well thats it, kathy just imed me so im gonna go. i hope i hear from eddie some time tonight because judging by what other people say,,,hes not the happiest person in the world with me right now and i have a feeling i know why. =/ Cant please everyone in the world all at once though. im out, goodnight.
Stephanie

want saix?


:: 2003 21 May :: 1.50 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: *Staind*Price to Play*

and THEN...
hey people. im in my 5th hour right nows. i think ill make it a habit to write in here at least once every time im in this class. should be fancy fancy. i just got done reading kristens journal cus shes awesome lyk dat. geh, i have to write back renee and im really tired...plus she was kind of "distant" after 3rd hour so im not sure that shes very happy with me right now..for whatever reason. matt came to school this morning and gave me the new staind cd, "14 shades of gray". damnit. i wish i brought my cd player with me today but like the dumbass that i am, i forgot it. grr. matts a cool kid actually, even though hes one of muh stalkers. ;) danni ish too now! kewl beans..i also found out from matt yestersay that danni thinks im hott...interesting...whateva i dont dwell on shyt like that. i wanna listen to muh cd so badly right nows. ::whimpers:: ...im really proud of myself. i only took one advil so far today. yesh i know ::pats self on tha back:: im getting much better at that. which is a good thing i suppose.....i miss zane, and eddie ish pissed off at me. he seems like hes jealous of zane or something. i guess i cant say anything because me and zane do have all of that background and whatnot..but im really getting sick and tired of eddie telling me how much he hates zane because i know that zane feels the EXACT same way. i just dont want the two of them to have to duke it out because i care about them both. its hard at this point to try and choose a side, maybe it shouldnt be because afterall i AM dating eddie. but i know that theres people that eddie cares about more too..mike for instance...which i actually got up the balls to tell him about today..i told him how i really got annoyed when him and mike would get in a fight and he would take it out on me..and how hes ALWAYS talking non stop about mike and their problems. well he didnt have much take on that...oh well i guess i cant do anything about it right now.. and you see why i hate relationships? this right here...who the hell am i supposed to back up when i care about em both but i styll love...geh...nevermind. names arent important right now. he knows who he is and if youre a close friend of mine then my guess ish that you probably already know as well. i dont know what im supposed to do. i hate life. even when things feel like theyre getting better it never lasts that long..it really blows you know. and in the end i guess i always end up with myself because thats all i had from the beginning. me myself and i f*cking up everything i come in contact with. for shame. <> i need to get out of here..class sucks and school is just the same old damn thing everyday. cant wait until the end of the year. i wanna talk to kathy ..shes like my psychologist.(sp?!)... i would discuss it with erin but she had her own shyt to worry about..im not saying that kathy doesnt but until i get erin over my place or i go up to west palm and fill her in on every little thing (which i know that i will) ...id rather leave out details like this than put them up for discussion right away. alright well thats it for now, byes.
<>
<>
I learned to live without a pride. Just a shell, with me stuck inside. A prison though, not a place to hide.
<>
<>
+Stephanie+

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