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2008 15 May :: 1.15 am
Well, as I'm waiting for the intense burning under my armpits to go away as a result of the extremely strong chemical antiperspirant, I think I'll write a document a little bit about the happenings in my life.
lets see now. I have been dealing with this Nicki situation STIll, yes, I know, fucking long time now. But things have progressed since I last wrote about her.
She is now my girlfriend. Thats right, my dream and 11:11 wishes come true. But am I happy? Well, lets analyze, shall we?
We have now been going out officially for 4 days. We finally came to that conclusion as a spontaneous decision, and well, I loved it. But she doesn't seem very into it. Why? Well, at first, I was very hesitant about it, and about the whole thing at school. Because I don't want the Russians to know about it, I have been keeping it on the low, not holding her hand, stealing a kiss her and there and just in essence not being real. Being two-faced.
Well, hate that so much, that I decided FUCK IT, I have 14 days left of high school, and I'm going to make the most of them. I don't need the approval of people I'm likely to never see again. I don't give a shit about what people think.
I just really didn't want my parentals find out before prom, because I could SO see them absolutely freaking out and not letting me go.
I just realized that I honestly don't want to even write about this anymore. the burning under my armpits is becoming a little too much.
backtalk |
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2008 7 March :: 12.06 am
so I decided
that I will not be affected
that I will keep living my life
keep making a complete ass of myself
grow into a man
get my shit together
and worry about it fucking later.
1 Burn |
backtalk |
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2008 5 March :: 1.57 pm
I think I'm realizing what my problem is.
I think I realize why I choked when I had the chance with her.
I think I'm realizing what I will need to do.
I think I realize the decision I have to make.
I can't keep teetering on the edge of this line.
I can't stay focused on more than one thing because I'm in between worlds.
I'm in between to contradictory realities and I must make my decision.
I can't keep on playing this double fucking life.
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. Yet, the sad part is, is that I will nevertheless. Will I ever just take a fucking risk?
Take a fucking risk.
Take a fucking risk.
Take a fucking risk.
Take a fucking risk.
Take a fucking risk.
Take a fucking risk.
Make a fucking decision.
Take a fucking risk.
Make it happen.
Take which fucking risk?
Take a fucking risk.
I don't know what fucking risk I want to take.
I'm being selfish and idiotic.
Take a FUCKING risk.
Take a FUCKING risk.
Do what needs to be FUCKING done.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I'm not at peace. I'm not OK. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to CHOOSE EITHER.
I don't know when I ever will be fucking fucking fucking ready.
backtalk |
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2008 7 January :: 8.54 pm
I'm one lazy-ass motherfucker.
backtalk |
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2008 7 January :: 12.28 am
:: Music: Winter-Bayside
Laziness
I need to make some decisions. Some very serious decisions. About who I am.
I am trying to form this character built from this torn and cracked foundation I had which was once my character. I say it is torn and cracked because I abandoned it for a long time and went into autopilot for the last year of my life.
I don't feel like I've been very alive... I mean, I did things, and sung and whatever... but its as if I've had this mental blanket on and I cannot really think clearly. My whole mind is foggy and lazy.
My mind is a swamp.
I feel like my whole life is wrapped around the thought that I need my life to be wrapped around something. Does that make sense?
I need to make a decision to never be lazy again. I just want in my character such a strong suit for anti-laziness, that everyone will notice. But its so hard to break a habit that you instilled into yourself so well.
What a good resolution. How am I going to enforce this into myself? Maybe I need to write it big and bold on my hand every morning: "DON'T BE LAZY."
Its got to be something that I need people to convict me with, because God damn it I am too lazy to convict myself or to keep myself motivated.
I WILL NO LONGER BE A LAZY PERSON.
EMTM
backtalk |
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2008 4 January :: 2.23 am
I'm going the fuck insane.
Insanity is to try something over and over again knowing it won't work.
Well, I've tried living the way I'm living over and over again knowing it won't work. I'm fucking insane. Everything recently is just been crashing down. I feel like I'm under this extremely light blanket, but I can't get it the fuck off. I can't get out from underneath this shit. I feel so un-free.
When I was a little kid I remember vaguely coming to the alter and accepting Christ. I remember I was crying and crying, and this weight seemed to just come off of my shoulders. Why can't I just feel that way again?
Where the fuck am I going? What the fuck am I doing? I can't lead a life of unChristianty because the guilt is too strong and its against everything my parents rooted in me. Yet I can't live a Christian life because its too fucking hard. I have this battle going on in my soul and heart, yet my mind is a fucking airplane set in autopilot. I'm looking for something new, for something good, for something big and just POW. But every day its the fucking same.
My god what the hell is wrong with me. I was always so good at being happy I almost believe in my own fucking illusion.
I want a relationship with my dad. I can't sit with him, I can't eat with him, I can't talk with him for more than a fucking minute, I can't look him in the eyes. And its killing me.
It seems my amazing friendship with Kaylee is waning. Ever since our conversation about everything she's been very distant. And its killing me.
I am just beginning to hate myself.
backtalk |
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2008 1 January :: 11.55 pm
This year will be a good one. I'm determined to make it so. I want to accomplish a LOT of things. I really really wish to look back on this year at the end of it, and say, "damn, that was a good year" and not "damn, I wish I could have done more with my year".
Resolutions which I will actually fulfill:
Buy a car.
Write an album.
Never hesitate.
Use my time.
Take my people skills to the next level.
Just get my shit done, when I need it done.
Be very clearly on my way to fulfilling my dream.
Those are a few. I know there will be more to come.
I'm writing a song right now... its so damn good.
I was taken from you
You were just so far away
You were giving yourself
but I just couldn't stay
By writing this song am I just playing a fool?
Its my creative way to say I still love you.
Can't think of anymore words.
backtalk |
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2007 30 December :: 1.39 am
Well, what do I even say about this trip to Spokane?
I saw a lot of my old "friends".
The only one that has remained my friend as Kaylee. She's such an amazing girl. I love her. But you know, I don't really have romantic feelings for her... I mean, I'd love to have her as a girlfriend... she'll always have a place in my heart.
But I love her sacrificially. I honestly know that I'd be able to put away my own interests and needs for her good. I genuinely love her as a amazing friend. I only love in that way my family of course, and DJ.
She's been going farther in her relationship with her boyfriend... and you know, its none of my business, but she told me. I just don't want her to get hurt. Itd REALLY piss me off he hurt her...and he's on the way to doing that. And its pissing me off... a LOT.
FUCK! I just realized how badly it would piss me off. FUCK!
Juliya is just a fucking deadbeat now. A fucking druggy. Damn it, why do people have to change so negatively?
backtalk |
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2007 22 December :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: the music in my head
Alcohol.
DJ is an amazing fucking guy. He's seriously my best friend. He really is. No one knows me like he does... we went through the troubles of fucking high school together...
I remember junior year we made a pact after all that pot we smoked to not smoke it again... and with a VERY few minor exceptions, we have both kept to that. He's always been there, that guy I could always talk to.
Tonight we talked about our partying. And we decided that we don't need to go to parties to hook up with drunk chicks like the rest of the self-conscious high school community does... We decided that we'd be on another level. If the party doesn't find us, we're not going to go. We're not going to just waste our Friday and Saturday nights anymore looking for a place to get drunk... what happened to having a genuinely good time? Take a couple girls out to watch a fucking movie and have some dinner and a whole lot of laughs? Fuck, I don't need this anymore. I don't need to be drunk to have a hell of a time.
I also made a landmark decision in my life: I'm going to lose my virginity before I am married. It's going to happen, I can't deny it, and I have to be realistic. I'm a good looking guy who can talk to girls. And I am only going to be able to save my virginity in this Sodom and Gomorrah if I literally don't talk to women until the day of my marriage. When I'm 25. Because I surely am going to try not to get married until I have a career in place and stability.
DJ asked me: "would you be able to do it, when the time comes?" because apparently he also was incredibly scared and kept backing out for months with his girlfriend.
Will I be able to do it? Yes. Robyn was on top of me shirtless at Kaitlin's party, and I was going to legitimately fuck her. She wanted it, and I was going to give it... but Sam made her go. Five more minutes with Robyn, and I wouldn't be writing this blog as a virgin.
I can't not do it. I'm literally driving myself insane. And I'm going to do it, when the time comes. I'm not going to go look for it... but when I really love a girl, I'm not going to back out this time.
That's a wild statement.
backtalk |
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2007 19 December :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: awake
DJ yesterday told me that he read through her friend's texts, and turns out she doesn't like me.
Whatever, fuck it. This is different because I'm going to get over it quickly, but it kind of gave me a hit of reality. The revelation I had is this: I'm really fucking insecure. REALLY insecure. And this girl brought it out in me. Also, another revelation: I have gotten really bad at talking to girls, one on one. Especially in cars. I gave Jenessa a ride home today. I don't even like her, but all we did was sing. It was still awkward for me, and I FUCKING HATE NOT BEING myself.
Who am I anyways? If you ask my parents, my choir teacher, different people who know me... they'd all have their own unique answer. I'm not fucking two faced. I'm a thousand faced.
This whole experience has brought me back to remember my past. You know in junior high, when you are just beginning to really start thinking about yourself, who you are, and what your place here is? You start seeing all these older people and their personalities... and then generally the majority of the junior high population chooses for themselves their personality. And unless something dramatic happens, they generally are the same person for a while... at least.
Well, I remember thinking in junior high: "What kind of person do I want to be? " I remember I couldn't decide. Then came freshmen year and I got incredibly distracted from the question by a wonderful girl named Kaylee. I stopped thinking about myself altogether, and just focused on becoming more attractive to the opposite sex. I moved to Vancouver the summer of sophomore year and I for some odd reason became really attractive to the opposite sex.
I had fling after fling after fling, and was exploring and enjoying my newfound courage to flirt and use girls. Then that summer before junior year, I had this hyper hyper conservative phase, and made myself virtually untouchable by girls. After a while, it worked. I was untouchable. And it stayed like that pretty much the whole year.
This year though, I have gotten out of that phase, and into a phase of self-consciousness and being on autopilot... permanently. Not as many girls flirt with me because I made it so clear the year before that I was not interested in anything of the sort. I in my junior broke a LOT of friendships I had with people, and ruined my reputation.
So that puts me where I am now. Extremely self-conscious, and actually thinking about my life, and who I want to be. Again. I hate going through these fucking phases, and want to just choose one personality for myself and fucking stick with it.
I want to embark on a journey to better myself: I have been letting myself dwindle spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.
I hate being this really skinny kid who is just a mediocre piano player. Everyone says I'm amazing... but I know who I fucking am. I know how easy it is to fool everyone, which is what I've been doing.
I need to work on my character, and figure out what kind of person I want to be, and consistently be that person. I want to be me, not a huge jumble of everyone else, depending on who I'm around.
Who do I want to be?
I want to be genuine; consistent.
I want to be charismatic.
I want to be the life of the party.
I want to be a generous person.
I want to be kind, and understanding.
I want to be always willing to help.
I want to be attractive, inside and out.
I don't want mood-swings.
I want to never hesitate.
I want to be confident, not cocky.
I want to know when to shut up.
This seems about right. Except one part. I want to have God in my life. I'll have to look into that.
backtalk |
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2007 17 December :: 10.00 pm
:: Music: Superstar-Lupe Fiasco
Bitch.
There is this one motherfucker.
His name is Casey. He talks a lot of shit, this Casey does. I have seen him at it. He's the quartet's number 1 groupie, yet he talks a lot of shit behind guy's backs just to hook up with the girls.
He subtly cock-blocks. He sucks up like crazy to everyone to their face... yet he turns around and will never stand up for his "friends".
I can't tell him to fuck off. I'm insanely nice to him.
backtalk |
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2007 17 December :: 4.23 pm
:: Music: Carol of the Bells::Thrice
With joyful ring.
Today I went out to lunch with Nicky, DJ, Mychal, and Taylor B.
Group setting... it was fun. Nicky actually last night said "We should do something for lunch!". So there's that.
Then, at Jack in the Crack, DJ and I were discussing our plans to go to a black church. She pipes up and says "Hey, you gotta take me with you."
So there's that again.
Then, I drop off the group at school, but I have to take her home. She asked me. As we're driving, all of the sudden the conversation is dead, and boring, awkward question here and there.
I don't know what to fucking think. Do I go ahead and go for this girl, or do I keep my distance? She shows me in the car that I should keep my distance, but through other things she shows that she's interested in me.
Maybe she just wants to be friends. Well, that's what I want. I want to to legitly be friends with her, but even that isn't seeming to work out for me. FUCK! Why does this always happen to me lately?
Its been a long time since I have actually honestly liked a girl, for her. Julie? She was a overextended crush and a overextended infatuation. No, I actually like this girl.
I'm not going to be stupid and go around and say I love her or anything like that, but I am honestly interested in getting to know this girl and having a relationship.
But as of now, I guess that can't happen. God, I'm such a fucking immature little teenager.
FUCK!
Wow, I think I'm going to again get addicted to blogging. It's so relaxing.
backtalk |
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2007 4 October :: 9.45 pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Fuck.
Fuck you.
Alright, I've been needing to do this for a long time. A long, long time.
I haven't been truly true with myself for a long time, and I think its time I told myself the truth.
I'm a self-centered, cocky, arrogant motherfucker.
And I have nothing but lucky breaks to show for it.
At this rate, I'll go to hell.
I've never loved other than Kaylee.
I still love her.
I'm turning out more like my father than I ever have wanted to.
1 Burn |
backtalk |
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2007 9 July :: 11.17 am
"Get a girlfriend....
and live a little bit!"
1 Burn |
backtalk |
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2007 30 March :: 9.17 pm
I'm dead.
And slowly spiraling into the "really dead" section of the dead.
Just another one in the world.
2 Burns! |
backtalk |
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