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:: 2020 5 May :: 6.03 pm
:: Music: Rise Against: Savior

"Merlin's saggy bollocks," Ron swore softly.

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:: 2019 24 February :: 8.05 pm

Insult of the day: twisted cheese eating gnome.

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:: 2018 5 January :: 6.19 pm

What happened to your eye?

I was attacked by a figgy pudding while having spontaneous sexual intercourse.

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:: 2017 29 October :: 4.07 pm

I'm not scared. I'm rationally concerned.

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:: 2016 14 January :: 5.16 pm

Nothing like responding to a war chant with big swinging dicks.

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:: 2016 1 January :: 6.21 pm

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

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:: 2015 9 December :: 8.45 pm

“You look—like you got a facial from a smurf.”

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:: 2015 9 December :: 8.34 pm

“You know what I like after sex?”


“Ice cream.”

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:: 2015 13 September :: 9.26 pm

When was the last time you went to a family reunion where the police and fire department showed up?

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:: 2015 22 March :: 1.11 pm

It's long, hard, tasty.
Going where others cannot.
What, what, in my butt.

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:: 2014 15 November :: 7.19 pm


Come for the name, stay for the desserts.

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:: 2014 19 September :: 6.54 pm

"That's neither dinner nor sex," Derek said. "That's ice cream."

"You only say that because you've been doing both wrong."

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:: 2014 27 July :: 9.04 pm

"Oh come on, everybody's come across porn with thicker objects in an orifice than a few penises."

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:: 2013 21 March :: 12.08 am

Doesn't that sound better than getting into a slap fight with the world's largest penis?
Justin Timberlake

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:: 2012 12 November :: 2.23 am

Dr. Laura Schlesinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice
to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as
an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according
to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as

Dear Dr. Laura

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can
you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don.t agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn.t we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,

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:: 2012 5 November :: 1.08 pm

The man known to a generation of Americans as "The Science Guy" is condemning efforts by some Christian groups to cast doubts on evolution and lawmakers who want to bring the Bible into science classrooms.
Bill Nye, a mechanical engineer and star of the popular 1990s TV show "Bill Nye The Science Guy," has waded into the evolution debate with an online video that urges parents not to pass their religious-based doubts about evolution on to their children.
Christians who view the stories of the Old Testament as historical fact have come to be known as creationists, and many argue that the world was created by God just a few thousand years ago.
Are you scientifically literate? Take our quiz
"The Earth is not 6,000 or 10,000 years old," Nye said in an interview with The Associated Press. "It's not. And if that conflicts with your beliefs, I strongly feel you should question your beliefs."
Millions of Americans do hold those beliefs, according to a June Gallup poll that found 46 percent of Americans believe God created humans in their present form about 10,000 years ago.Nye, 56, also decried efforts in recent years by lawmakers and school boards in some states to present Bible stories as an alternative to evolution in public schools. Tennessee passed a law earlier this year that protects teachers who let students criticize evolution and other scientific theories. That echoes a Louisiana law passed in 2008 that allows teachers to introduce supplemental teaching materials in science classes.
"If we raise a generation of students who don't believe in the process of science, who think everything that we've come to know about nature and the universe can be dismissed by a few sentences translated into English from some ancient text, you're not going to continue to innovate," Nye said in a wide-ranging telephone interview.
In the video he tells adults they can dismiss evolution, "but don't make your kids do it. Because we need them." Posted by Big Think, an online knowledge forum, the clip went viral and has 4.6 million views on YouTube. It has garnered 182,000 comments from critics and supporters.
It drew the ire of the creationism group Answers in Genesis, which built a biblically based Creation Museum in Kentucky that teaches the stories of the Old Testament and has attracted headlines for its assertion that dinosaurs roamed alongside Adam and Eve.
The group produced a response video featuring two scientists who say the Bible has the true account of Earth's origins, and that "children should be exposed to both ideas concerning our past."
Nye, who is prone to inject dry humor into scientific discussions, said Earth is about 4.5 billion years old.
"What I find troubling, when you listen to these people ... once in a while I get the impression that they're not kidding," Nye said.

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:: 2012 18 September :: 7.43 am

"You can mark my prediction now: A secret recording from a closed-door Mitt Romney fundraiser, released today by David Corn at Mother Jones, has killed Mitt Romney's campaign for president. On the tape, Romney explains that his electoral strategy involves writing off nearly half the country as unmoveable Obama voters. As Romney explains, 47 percent of Americans 'believe that they are victims.' He laments: 'I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.'

"So what's the upshot? 'My job is not to worry about those people,' he says. He also notes, describing President Obama's base, 'These are people who pay no income tax. Forty-seven percent of Americans pay no income tax.' This is an utter disaster for Romney. Romney already has trouble relating to the public and convincing people he cares about them. Now, he's been caught on video saying that nearly half the country consists of hopeless losers." - Josh Barro, writing for

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:: 2012 10 September :: 10.13 pm

Oh no, I faint at the sight of vagina. They're like teranchala faces.

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:: 2012 31 August :: 9.49 pm

She's had more balls bounce off her face than a tennis court.
Joan Rivers

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:: 2012 20 July :: 11.00 pm

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:: 2012 16 July :: 12.00 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

Let me start by saying that the live chat specialist I worked with today was able to help me with my problems. The conversation could have been much quicker, but overall I was satisfied.

But that was not the start of my day with Charter. I called 1888GETCHARTER for help fixing my bill. The representative was argumentative and unwilling to help. I repeatedly asked to speak to his supervisor and after five requests I was told that I would be put on hold. After one hour and 42 minutes of listening to Charter advertisements that contained an exorbitant amount of static/background noise, I was hung up on. Being hung up on is extremely infuriating, especially after nearly two hours on hold.

Why does Charter’s billing always seem to have a mistake? It’s a joke to everyone that I speak to about it. While going through my records for billing I noticed that never more than three months in a row did I pay the same charges, even while I’ve been locked in on promotional rates.

I hope that in the future I will live in an area where Charter will not be my only option for my internet and cable TV needs.

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:: 2012 29 June :: 12.02 am

Give me a fat faggot treat with hot cum sauce!

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:: 2012 6 February :: 10.40 pm

Maybe trashed. That was hard to spell.

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:: 2012 6 February :: 10.37 pm

Drink, drank, drunk. Definatly drunk. giggle.

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:: 2012 30 January :: 4.32 pm

It's not masturbating if nothing comes out.

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:: 2012 22 January :: 7.52 pm

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:: 2012 8 January :: 12.35 am

I you wanna be happy, find someone you like and never let him go. Or her if you're into that creepy shit.

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:: 2012 6 January :: 9.53 pm

I love watching firefighters at play. They're like well muscled puppies.

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:: 2011 15 December :: 6.30 pm

You remind me of my pinky toe, because I know I'm eventually gonna bang you on the table.

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:: 2011 11 December :: 11.02 am

I'm 20, what are you guys?

Pick a Number by Paul Rudnick

Alfred Kinsey believed that human sexuality could be charted on a scale of 0 to 6, with 0 being “Exclusively heterosexual” and 6 being “Exclusively homosexual.” Owing to changing cultural boundaries and advanced research, Kinsey’s scale has recently been expanded:

0. So heterosexual that you think all other heterosexuals should be shot, because they seem a little gay.

1. So heterosexual that when a tax return or a loan application asks your gender you reply, “Straight.”

2. So heterosexual that the thought of two people of the same sex having intercourse doesn’t disgust you; it confuses you—“Wait a minute, if they’re both girls, which one falls asleep immediately afterward while the other one keeps babbling about her day?”

3. So heterosexual that when you go to see “Hugh Jackman: Back on Broadway” you can’t understand why he doesn’t just use his steel Wolverine claws to kill his backup dancers.

4. Heterosexual, yet still able to read the Times’ Arts & Leisure section without asking, “Who are Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin? School-board members from Staten Island?”

5. Heterosexual, but still willing to understand, at least theoretically, why two women having sex aren’t just practicing until their husbands get back from their golf date.

6. Heterosexual, yet still able to wear colors other than brown, olive green, and navy blue (but never pink or yellow, because you’re not some goddam circus clown).

7. Heterosexual, but sometimes fantasizes about bathing.

8. Heterosexual, but once, at college, glimpsed a roommate naked and thought, If everyone else in the world were dead, I would have sex with that person, as long as we both kept saying, “But everyone else is still dead, right?”

9. Heterosexual, but once, while serving in the military, made love with a same-sex partner, and afterward said either “I was so drunk,” “Wait—does that count as sex?,” or “Whoa. At least now I can check that off my bucket list, along with hot-air ballooning.”

10. Heterosexual, but during sex with one’s spouse often pictures the spouse with different genitalia sprouting from his or her forehead. This is not to be confused with imagining your spouse’s forehead as a place to hold keys, or to hang up your windbreaker.

11. Heterosexual, but while on business trips will frequently have intercourse with same-sex partners, primarily because they know the best local restaurants.

12. You identify as bisexual because you think it will double your chances of getting a date for Saturday night.

13. You identify as bisexual because you think it sounds French.

14. So bisexual that you fantasize not only about both Brad and Angelina but also about Regis and Kelly.

15. So bisexual that you get Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin confused.

16. Almost too bisexual, because you keep approaching straight married couples on the subway and murmuring, “The answer is yes.”

17. Homosexual, but occasionally attracted to the opposite gender, just to get your mom’s hopes up.

18. Homosexual, but willing to look at a member of the opposite sex without howling, “Dear God in Heaven, what is that?”

19. Homosexual, but sometimes still fantasizes about kissing someone of the opposite sex, as an item on a scavenger hunt.

20. Homosexual, but willing to speak to heterosexuals without muttering, under your breath, “Have you ever even been to a museum?”

21. So homosexual that both partners can achieve orgasm just by debating dream casting for the next revival of “Follies.”

22. So homosexual that you refer to you and your partner’s genitalia as “matchy-matchy.”

23. So exclusively homosexual that you made an “It Gets Better” video aimed at kids who were raised in homes without stacks of coffee-table books.

24. So overwhelmingly homosexual that you dream that Patti LuPone and Mandy Patinkin are your birth parents.

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