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:: 2009 28 January :: 8.23 pm
:: Mood: confused

Mixed signals much?
What were you thinking while you were drawing my lips?

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:: 2009 10 January :: 2.34 am

I'd like to thank the economy for exploding, thus resulting in me becoming unemployed. I felt miserable when it happened, but now I'm strangely optimistic.

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:: 2008 22 December :: 7.36 am

I'm pretty fukn tired but I'm trying to stay awake. I know if I go to sleep now, I won't get my last minute xmas shopping done. Its hard to be sneaky and buy gifts for Jeanie when her hours are so erratic. I think I'll just barely have enough cash to buy her some gifts. One for sure is checked off, but I want to get her a surprise gift or two. You know. There's the one where people ask you what you want and they get it for you... but there's always that someone who goes the extra and gets you (IN ADDITION) something completely amazing and unexpected.

My moods concerning Jeanie have also been erratic.

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:: 2008 18 December :: 10.21 pm

I really hate how Jeanie likes to turn every thing around to make her and her family less fortunate when I just need to confide in someone with what's bothering me. Needless to say, I told her about my mom. She said, "I think I have cancer." And that was it. When my mom was getting tests done and I told her, she started off on her own mother and how she has the same thing but can't go to the doctor because of this or that. And when I found a picture of my parents when they were still together, I told her it kind of made me a little sad, she said, "Well I wish my parents were at least married." It just really makes me not want to talk to her about anything.

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:: 2008 17 December :: 9.12 pm

My mom came by yesterday around noon and told me they found precancerous cells on her cervix. She's at the "moderate" stage of cervical dysplasia and her doctor assured her that if they don't intervene now, it will develop into cervical cancer. Yesterday, I was stunned mixed with anger. I was at a loss for words the entire day. I still haven't told Jeanie. I don't think I can tell any of my friends. I don't want their false support or false sympathy. It's not about me, it's about her. And instead of sulking, I feel like it's imperative to just be with her for emotional support and take care of her during the treatments.
Today, I'm just grateful they caught it before it progressed into cancer. But, I'm still bummed. She still looks tired. Everything else just doesn't seem to matter any more.

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:: 2008 16 December :: 4.17 am

I told Jeanie about my dreams and that I felt physical pain in them. She paused then said, "Maybe you just had gas." And that made my day.

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:: 2008 15 December :: 4.39 pm

I had some strange dreams last night. In one, I was selected with a group of other various men and women to break into a factory. Because they're evil, like the Umbrella corp. or something, and steal a vile of ... oil. They had traps lined up outside the building but I dodged them all. Because, apparently, I'm a fucking badass in my dreams. I seduced a woman into leading me into where they kept the containers. But I guess the joke was on me because I was surrounded by creatures and the head of them was a strange woman with a feline head and spider-like body. She asked me if I wanted the lights off for this and I said no. I told her I wanted to watch her as I die. She complied and pierced my gut with a spear. It fucking hurt.

Before then, I felt like my stomach was trying to burst out of my stomach. This is another dream all together. Apparently, it flipped itself and there was a bulge where my gut was. Not fat, mind you, but like something was trying to break out. Every time I touched it, it felt like it was on fire.

There's more but reading over this makes me realize I'm pretty retarded.

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:: 2008 9 December :: 5.10 am

Jeanie and I are looking forward to 'The Day The Earth Stood Still'. She's never been in an IMAX so I'm going to go ravage that virginity... er. It'll be a good Friday and we've been needing to get away, even if it's just to a movie.

I've been trying to work with some different art techniques but nothing is working out. I'm just not happy with it. I'll be the last one to say I'm "artistic" but I was pretty happy with whatever shit came out. Not sure what's changed.

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:: 2008 5 December :: 6.34 pm

Jeanie and I went to the movies. I was watching her walk in front of me down the steps in the theater and I feel like I fell in love with her all over again. Just watching her shape and feeling the persona she exudes. We had a fight when we woke up over ridiculous shit. I still don't agree with what she said but she already knows it. No need to bring it up again. We need time alone somewhere. Anywhere.

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:: 2008 22 November :: 4.32 pm

I had another strange dream. I can hardly remember how or why but I was driving down Niagara and I remember thinking that I can't keep going because it was raining and the water was getting very deep. I didn't want to fuck up my car so I turned in where that coat factory usually is. This time, it was like a strip mall of restaurants. Some girl told me to eat over at some vending machine, talking like she was in a commercial and it was the greatest thing. When she wasn't looking, I snuck away to some noodle joint and sat down and ate. Two girls sat down next to me. For some reason, I recognized one of them. I waited for the other one to leave and I asked the one I knew, "Want to know something strange?"
And we had a long and bizarre conversation about how identical our lives are.

Jeanie has to go to work in a few. She wanted more hours, well, she got 'em. I on the other hand have the day off and I'm feeling fuckin sick.

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:: 2008 20 November :: 2.51 pm

I had an odd dream last night. Jeanie gave birth to our son. I didn't see him as a baby, it some how skipped ahead to when he was about 5 or 6 and we were hiking through the woods. I went a head and she held his hand and followed. He didn't like it because the path was too steep, so I carried him. Some how, Jeanie jumped and she got tangled on some branches... it sounds funny now but it was pretty dire in my dream. Next to us was a deep canyon that descended into black. So she told us that she loved us and thrusted herself into the canyon. Weird thing is, we were totally at peace with it. Then I woke up.

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:: 2008 12 November :: 8.51 pm
:: Mood: let down


Despite what I promised just a month ago, I am going to let you go.

There is no point in me torturing myself over you any more and I am deeply saddened it took me this long to realize it. I know I have said in the past that I am not waiting for you any more and that I let you go two years ago. But the truth is that I have never done so. I always waited for you, in my heart. Even after everything you put me through, I always felt that deep down that you would come around and you would tell me that you have always loved me as much as I did you.

I always felt like I would die protecting you and showing you how much I care. That you would see my intentions as genuine and not like all of your other suitors. I see now how foolish I was to think this. I will let you die and I will let you destroy your own life. I will not help you or guide you or whisper words of advice and encouragement. I am not waiting and I am ridding myself of your friendship that I have come to realize is nothing short of pestilence.

I thought I was done with this letter but I had to come back to tell you how angry I am with you. But this anger is misplaced and I know I am the real one to blame. You never promised me anything and you never misled me. But I could swear to God that you were whispering such promises in my mind. I swear I could hear what you were saying and feeling and I swear it was everything I was feeling and thinking for you. I could give my own soul for how sure I was.

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