fingernails and a ciggarettes a lousy dinner.



friends | profile | guestbook

bad fish.

recent entries | past entries

:: 2007 1 February :: 7.28 pm

i am not fit to raise a child.
i am not fit to raise a child.
i am not fit to raise a child.
i am not fit to raise a child.
i am not fit to raise a child.

will you please just stop talking? why? because you're agitating me. why? because you make me sit here every night, so you can pretend that everything is fine. no one says a word. not a thing. she'll meet eyes with me, "he's drunk." i know i'm the only reason she's still here. i'm sorry. he sits there thinking he's still wonderful. and i, sit silent. sipping in the awkward air, the taste of macaroni and cheese, and the burn of simple frustration creeps into my lungs. heavy breath. i will not work at k-mart.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2006 13 December :: 9.29 pm

i wish i was where i was when i wished i was where i am.

i wish i could stay here; forever. 9:30 at night, wednesday december 13th 2006. as i'm listening to the whisper of the t.v. sets, with nothing to do but this, nothing to feel but the way that this feels. where i am is where i should be, today. and it's either eupohoria or sadness, but my cheeks are wet. as i wait on the call of my wonderful boyfriend...and the cursor blinks letter after letter. this is how today feels.
this is how i feel today:
i feel like no matter how close to perfection things seem to get, it's never going to get there. what is a person without secrets? then they have blended with everyone else, keeping nothing for themselves to hold onto, and remind themselves that they are born into this world alone as they will decay alone. we may find ourselves simply holding onto companions so we can convince ourselves that we are not lonely beings. i find strength in myself and no one else. i am truely one to rely on that notion that i am the only one who is really here. no one is forever. do you really understand that? the only person you will know forever is yourself. so i am the only one i trust. i can not write, having you knowing this. you will judge me. i love you but need to keep this to myself. i am constantly worried that you will pick apart every word on this paper, and understand my imperfections. (no one understands me but myself)
no one can read these words and completely follow word for word.
i am alone.
i am...
i am my secrets.
so close to perfection.

im perfect.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2006 3 December :: 9.27 pm

i miss you.
yeah i know, i know you'll be back. but will you really be here?
this is for jj, logan, jess.
your home was here with me.
will you ever really be home?

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2006 30 November :: 7.58 pm

Moving in slow like the smoke from your cigarette
Every step closer is a step we both will regret

Dear Joe Rhew,
Fine, I'll stop faking it. I'll stop lying. I'll stop pretending that it doesn't bother me. I'll stop laughing, I'll stop brushing it off. You know, it was always easier to tell you that it didn't matter. So it takes a little more strength to write these words to you, the ones I know you'll never read; never understand. Number 9. I'm number 9. Today, number 9 is lower then 0. The drips of sweat, the crumbs, the urine, that smell, and your sticky skin moving into mine. This makes me mean nothing. This makes it my fault.
"You liked it."
I didn't.
I didn't say no.
So now, number 1, you think you mean something? Never. Never will I let your sticky skin touch me again.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2006 15 November :: 7.22 pm

my secret[s]
1) i use drugs so i don't cut myself.

2) i lost my virginity in this parking lot. Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

on a sofa we found on a dumpster the night before. we switched sofas after we realized that it smelled like urine. (i was even too drunk to walk on my own) the boy i was with was the proud owner of this mighty max.

3) somedays i get so upset when i get deep into thought. the only way i can stop myself from worrying is to smoke. i once smoked so much that i forgot my best friends name (while talking to my aunt).

4) while writing this, my best friend from 2nd grade called my home phone. 10 minutes later, a police officer called. she asked if i had remembered my best friend ever saying anything about her step father molesting her. she had. i wish i had said something earlier.

5) i haven't been sober at any funeral i've ever been to.

6) i hate every one of my friends because i secretly know theyre waiting for me to stop talking every time we have a discussion.

7) i stole $10 from my best friend once. (im sorry jes.)

8) i lie about almost every story i tell. my life isn't really all that interesting to begin with. (but i wouldn't tell a lie to woohu)

9) my birthday is approaching in 2 weeks.
here is the list of drugs that i will have taken by age 15:
a) marijuana
b) alcohol
c) aderall
d) vicodin
e) oxycoton
f) percoset
g) concerta
h) caffiene pills
i) salvia
j) cocaine
k) chronic
l) acid
m) shrooms
n) exstacy
and i'm certain i'm missing a few in this list.

10) i have over 75 scars on my body. i inflicted EVERY single one of them.

11) i'm obsessed with the female body. i check out almost every girl's ass that i encounter everyday. i'm nothing in comparison.

12) i've never had so many friends in my whole entire life. for once, i'm actually popular. [this means nothing, i've never felt so alone.]

13) i have sent nude pictures of myself to two guys over the internet. i fear that they may surface sooner or later.

14) the only reason why i write in this is because i feel vindicated for having my secrets out in the open, where anyone could find them. it makes me glad to know that someone will read this and realize they are human. [we all have secrets]

15) i fear i may have only been in love once (when i was 12) to a 16 year old that i dated for two weeks. ive never felt so strongly for someone else.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2006 12 November :: 8.40 pm

incrediously high.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2006 11 November :: 7.55 pm

Never start no static I just get it off my chest.

i remember when i would spend late nights tapping endlessly in rhythm on the buttons on the keyboard. writing, documenting, illustrating the moments that are momentarily so signifant that i might waste my time just to freeze that feeling. as i get older, i come to terms with the fact that i may have been a little overdramatic. re-evaluating the situations, i don't find them to be huge hurdles in my life as i did that day. november 11th, 2006. today. today is one of those days, that maybe 2 or 3 years (or days) down the line, i will look back upon this, my eyes skimming the same words that they do now and i will say "its not really that big of a deal."
i am the bound to a relationship, that i find cold. i often am sickened by the sweat of his hands, and the deep muffled laugh of his. i am utterly repulsed by the lack of respect that he has for me, and his lack of common courtesy. november 10th, 2006. yesterday. yesterday was a fine example of his indecency to me. in casual conversation, on our 3rd or 4th date he brings up my best friend. the one he openly calls hot. the one his best friend is dating. the one that i openly love and respect. he stares into my bloodshot eyes, sides of his mouth rolling upward and says "did lauren ever tell you she was great at giving head?" stop. stop now. save yourself before you set yourself on fire. "brian told me about it" your ahead. just stop now. "she can stick it so far in that..." do i have to scream any louder? can you not hear me or is this still funny? "that he can literally..." and by now, hes sitting alone. i don't want to hear this. i know why you're telling me this. i told you i didn't want to hear it. now let me explain why it's such a big deal. lauren is the type to have very high confidence in herself (self respect). the only person that i felt so ashamed and embarassed to tell her that i lost my virginty to a boy i dated for a month, and i swore he had mites, that i couldnt even bring myself to tell. this is like hearing that your mom took it in the ass. it's fine. i'll let it go.
but i am blessed with a group of friends that will stop beating each other, to comfort your tears with a hug. november 9, 2006. yesterday's yesterday. ah yes, yet another night for the story books. upon finding the key to the liquor cabinet, my friends lauren and david and i indulge ourselves in a couple of cocktails. in other words, we slamed 6 or 7 shots of grain alcohol and the rest of the night is a memory that i only remember every other word of. my other best friend shaunna, feels the need to protect the ladies of our very close friend david. a fist raised to his eye, moving back downwards for the 4th or 5th time and i find myself crying. to my left i see, the girl i have so much respect for, my best friend, kneeling on her knees, puking, screaming, bawling. "i'm not pretty." shes gorgeous. to the front of me i see my other closest friends, with vengeance in their eyes, staring back at one another. all i could think about was "what will i find tommorow? what will i wake up to? what will i say to them? what will they say to me?" and to say the least, that was the least of my problems. david, a nudge away from suicidal, looked as if he was possessed, running through the grass with barefeet screaming, primatively "just fucking kill me". the only reason why the words escaped his mouth, is because he had 2 more shots then i. but if i was 2 shots further along, im sure i would have been willing to help, if only he'd return the favor. rest assured, that we got him home, his girlfriend came to the rescue (although i may have been the one watching him the whole night, holding his hand and telling him that his life is worth living) but of course, she saved the day by just one wink of the eye. upon ditching me, my only confidant becomes my incoherent best friend. i told her how i really felt about life, how i've comed to notice that my drug experimentation is just a manifestation of the need i have to inflict pain on myself. the only reason why i had had the bravery to bring those words across my lips, and rolling to her ears, is because i was confident on the fact that she wouldnt remember a thing. a single thing. a single moment of her best friend, holding her hair back, telling her she was beautiful, because of how absoloutely terrified she was of having her hurt. but thats okae, i know that maybe one day, i'll find a friend that would do the same for me. day.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 18 September :: 2.58 pm

she tries not to shatter kaledioscope style

schools back. score. and guess what folks?
i have a boyfriend now.

his name is matt. i've known him for a week or so. he's in new york this weekend.

Image hosted by

my joey ramone painting
yes i painted it
yes i love joey

Image hosted by

i hate woohu.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 4 August :: 9.28 pm

Drinking beer in the hot sun
I fought the law and I won
The law dont mean shit if youve got the right friendsThats how the countrys run

just got home from the beach. umm...amazing. friday...we went to my bass thing...saw arty ♥ this is him
Image hosted by

then...we drive down to the beach. saturday night we met kenny and tyler.
this is kenny. my "sponsered by vans, cute and funny as shit, tight-pant wearing" love
Image hosted by
this is tyler. my "alcoholic, looks like he's 25, wants to fuck me on the pavement but adorable, punk" love. plus a girlfriend named kelsey.
Image hosted by
Image hosted by
we bummed cigarettes off of them. then saturday we got drunk with them and met paul and brian who we smoked weed with. they were cool as shit. after that, we spent every night wandering the beach at like 2 am. and jes and i went shopping. aw i love her. [ there is no possible way i can describe how exciting and fun my week was ]

but now im home.

A holiday in Cambodia
Where the slum's got so much soul

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 19 July :: 9.21 pm

Time and circles, it's the way we are
Held by the legions of our alcohol
Bound to the faintness of an hour glass
Open boxcutter, empty cigarette

so, we'll start with last night. JJ found out keri got kicked out so he was a mess, he was so upset. so he calls at 12 30 and says he needs to talk to me because i was the only one who knew how much he cares about her. i didnt want to but he really was desperate to talk to someone. so he picked me up and we went back to his house with joe and this kid dustin and justin were there. we just drove around and JJ and i talked. i got home at 2 and had to get up 4 hours later.ha. so today was my first day of official work. i went in and met lauren (my dad intern) shes 16. i think she's really cool. she has really unusual peircings and she got her first tattoo at age 13. we talked about drugs for two hours. ha. but i really like, oh well.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 17 July :: 12.39 pm

I can't believe that I can be
Someone will come again

so. i've got everything. a beautiful bass.

Image hosted by

beautiful new hair.

Image hosted by

beautiful best friend.

Image hosted by

beach in a week. bass concert in a week. excitement is the best thing. but JJ and keri got caught together. o no! well. my bass in beautiful, i mean wow. and the beach with jes will be amazing my bass concert will be awesome due to my wonderful solo. jes spent the night last night. we were real pissed of because we were supposed to hang out with josh but my mom wouldnt drive us. so my sister gave us cigarettes and i mellowed out. addiction is pain and im trying to get into better shape before the beach. anyway, we're having crabs for dinner. my sister is having 3 friends over ick.

1 to break the silence | i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 14 July :: 2.00 am


so we've discovered that since i can't do drugs, i am in need for adrenaline. my fix for the day was sneaking out. i left around 11 40 and sat by my street sign until i got picked up at 12. i talked with amanda on the phone. something was growling at me. sketch-much? so. we went to JJs and just sat and talked. then we went to 7 11. went back to JJs and i got home at 2. now im talking to shaunna about peter shes having babies. in shaunna's room.

i had a workshop thing today. gosh those kids are amazing. gee-tah legends its cool to play with them. its makes me feel cool. ha. speaking of being cool, i get my bass in 3 days at the most.

care for a robin update? today he was all kissy again. he wanted to hook up but again, i cant let him because he just wants to fool around and i want more then that. i'm seeing josh tommorow for the first time since the break up. and i met this really nice guy today. like 5 years older tho. meh, who cares? we'll see how things go.

i got hair dye today. its my natural color *gasp* im dying it tommorow
wish me luck?

what it looks like now:
Image hosted by

1 to break the silence | i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 12 July :: 12.50 pm

okae, so i lied. but im shopping for one. yesterday i went shopping at guitar center. fell in ♥ with the schecter c4 diamond series in antique amber. its beautiful. my grandmothers paying for it. yay. i still need a new case tho contributions anyone? so, then i went to target and bought my first official emo cds. funny. fall out boy and straylight run. i dont really like the stray light run one. then, i went to workshop. mark was getting pretty frustrated. lots of new kids there. have 2 new bassists. the one thinks hes cool. the other looks like pedro. then, we were driving home and we passed 7 11. i saw JJ and robin walk in so i started yelling at my mom to pull over. she wouldnt let me get out of the car. so she slowed down and i ran. so i met up with them and we went to san sushi. we ordered 75$ of sushi so we ate sushi, then drove robin home, then went to JJ's and joe and rob left. JJ came back to my house to burn cds. s0o0...we did. and then he left at 9 45 ish.

Joke me something awful just like kisses on the necks of "best friends"

at the moment. that reminds me of robin. oh lord. so robin is doing it again. he kept trying to kiss me in san sushi and i just tryed to nicely turn him down because i like him more than he likes me. *shrugs* and JJ said, "robin, you like allii dont u?" and he said he did. and JJ was like "allii, would you date robin?" and i didnt answer. cause he knows the answer.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 9 July :: 12.33 pm

keri and JJ had a date. they both invited me to come hehe. isnt it funnie? well JJ and I got dropped off early and waited for keri for an hour. then her friend claire and claire's friend show up. then ben and john show up. then katie and bri show up. then Robin, jordan, aurora, and joe show up. hehe. 13 person date.. yay. so keri and JJ are so happy for them. he loves her so much.

So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her

JJ told robin to kiss me. he did. yeah. robin stuck jordan and my phone down his pants. kay ew. i washed mine with rubbing alcohol 3 times.

Jordan aurora and I went to go get ice cream. i got pineapple. yay.

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 3 July :: 6.45 pm
:: Mood: meh
:: Music: taking back sunday

I've seen sinking ships go down with more grace than you

march 12- bass performance. mmm fun.
march 25- met the lovely josh. fell in ♥ with him.
Image hosted by
april 22-snuck out with my current best friend amanda to go see JJ.
april 29- josh broke up with me. we lived like 45 minutes away. it was toooo much.
april 30- JJ and jes came over. he had a girlfriend. we fucked around. what can i say, i liked him alot.
may 14- hfstival. best day ever. right?
june 2- went out to see JJ and amanda and robin and justin. JJ and i kissed.(talked to amanda because i was concerned with her sluttiness. she promised she'd never fuck around with JJ. thanks babe)
june 3- went to new york for a weekend
june 4- got my belly button peirced
Image hosted by
june 10- went to jordans party. found out amanda fucked JJ. great. great.
june 16- jes and michelle break up.
Image hosted by
june 18- my dad's best friend passed away.
aaaaand, i've spent every day at JJ's house the whole summer... hes like my new best friend now. its better with us just being friends. buuut, i like robin now.

1 to break the silence | i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 24 February :: 6.19 pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: r.h.c.p.

She says she's no good with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic

okae. me and jack broke up the day before valentines day....and i went to this party and met this guy n hooked up with him. but im gonna c him saturday

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 18 January :: 5.53 pm
:: Music: unwritten law

Dangers of drinking, but I don't want to die Got to leave this cycle behind

jeeesh. skipped school today. drunk on fri. sat, went to the mall with jack n henry n sarah n jes. sun.grounded. mon. grounded. today. skipped school

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2005 13 January :: 3.47 pm
:: Mood: amused

On this side of brightness we don't know where to go.

on the phone with sort of silent. i think we've talked about everything.jack is...amazing. idk, there isnt alot of other words to describe him. i still have to figure out my plans for the weekend...haha

Image hosted by

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2004 13 December :: 3.42 pm
:: Mood: musical

I'm wasted again
Passed out don't know who I am
I'm so wasted again
Blacked out don't know where I've been

ello. i guess its been a while since i've updated. ya no how it are. okae, so....since i've last updated: i got arrested, got off with parole,this weekend: friday i went to sarahs, saturday i went to my presentation, later i went to sarahs and spent the nite there with jack and henry and sarah. finally met jack...went to henry's with all of them. todays a fairly good day, ya no. i have workshop now. kay?

i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2004 28 July :: 10.20 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: blink 182's please take me home

well, just got back from europe

Miles and miles of nether worlds I roam
Settle for love you're never far from home

1 to break the silence | i didnt ask wat u thought.

:: 2004 13 June :: 9.40 pm
:: Music: blink 182

ewwness, i got mononucleosis. but i went to the blink 182 concert on totally kicked ass

i didnt ask wat u thought. | Random Journal