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:: 2014 4 June :: 11.40 am

]the war has not been lost[
i'm still here. forgot my credentials for a while, but was clever enough to keep them safe somewhere i'd find them eventually.

still in the same place i was. not doing the barely avoiding homelessness dance anymore. by the end of this year i expect to be out again, but working as a team this time, no longer fending for myself. a real apartment. a real place to call my own.

working at a different place than the last time i updated. thank god. but this place is full of its own shit. of course. i'm about ready to move on again after more than a year... some more secure employment would be a nice change. we'll see what comes to pass.

the biggest difference in this place is that i'm in good standing with the person on top. the people who abuse me are more or less inconsequential this time around. they don't hold the keys to my employment. so, it's hard, but i can ignore them.

regardless. it's still a shitty job and i have more than a list of complaints. some shit that i've had to put up with is borderline illegal, but i'm wise enough to know that making a scene would result in convenient ejection of the irritant from their job.


oh, and one more important note: i identify as male now. life happens so much, doesn't it?

into the sea


:: 2012 13 October :: 1.25 pm

a lot of things happened to me in that place

things i want to forget

but noplace else has felt so much

like

h o m e

into the sea


:: 2012 22 September :: 1.25 pm

You think that because I'm back under your roof, things are A-OK between us now, don't you?

You could not be more wrong.

Just because this is the stablest place for me to live does not mean I condone your behavior or accept it. I still think you're an abusive, controlling, manipulative, emotionally volatile person in dire need of psychological therapy.

And I despise the way you treat my sister.

into the sea


:: 2012 20 September :: 1.04 am

Hey dad.

Remember that time you called my mother on the phone and told her you caught me and my friend watching lesbian porn? When we were really helping her apply for a job? And you obviously couldn't have mistaken it at all, you just decided to try and get my ass in trouble out of fucking spite?

Remember when you installed spyware and other software on my computer so you could see what I was doing [and my mother too, for that matter] from your own home 10 miles away? And later on when you corrupted config/sys on the very same computer, effectively destroying the hard drive?



God, I could go on forever, but I'm already out of steam. I just wonder after a fucking million little incidents like this why you can't understand why I don't want to be around you. Why when you got hurt I never came to visit you in the hospital. Why I never try to talk to you.

It's because you don't change. You've never changed. When I do try to give you a chance you're exactly the same. You treat me like shit. You obviously don't see any reason to respect me at all.

Fuck you. I'm not a teenager anymore. I put up with enough of your bullshit to last me a lifetime. I still deal with the effects of your abuse every fucking day. What makes you think I'd want to be anywhere near your ass?

I'm glad you got your thumb ripped off. You deserved to lose more than that. I'm not sorry. You are a scumbag and you treat your family like shit. You are shit.

into the sea


:: 2012 19 September :: 11.03 am

Preserving, while I still can. Recording. Saving memories from this fragile plane, where they can so easily be deleted. We won't pretend that they never happened, not this time.

It's a lot of work. I'm taking regular breaks. But this time I must get it done as soon as possible. My time is limited, but just how limited, I don't know.

into the sea


:: 2012 21 August :: 1.13 am

So, I committed to something, for once. Twice, in fact, today. After a life of mostly wishy-washing, fence-sitting, ho-humming -- it's a nice change.
Though I may regret at least one commitment. Hopefully not the other.

change topic

I know you. I know why you have always been so afraid of the "dark side". The occult. Palmistry, astrology, childish devil costumes on halloween. Henna tattoos, pentacles, incense.

It came to me when I remembered why you gave me that name.

You always loved Charmed. And Bewitched. And Sabrina. And Hocus Pocus. Literally any tv/movie witches, you loved them and watched them all the time.

You wish that could be you. You want to know the world in the way a witch knows the world. You want to understand.

But, poor wretch, the Church got its talons into you before you had time to learn to think for yourself. So you're afraid. You were always taught it was evil, bad, wrong.

But I know you. I know that look.

You feel that darkness, too. The same one I feel. That feeling of just not being quite aligned with the others. Being just far enough off the beaten path that you can see the grey in between the black and white of the others' morality.

You try very hard to apply what you learned as a child to what you feel in your darkest heart. But it's troublesome.

You go the renaissance festival every year, you read books about magic and fantasy, you brush up as close as you can to the swaying waist of occult and witchcraft without admitting to yourself that you want to dance, too.

Tv magic is okay, as long as it's just pretend. Even if it uses almost exactly the same principles and states the same beliefs... and you agree with those beliefs stated by pretend witches on tv.

You poor creature. One day, maybe you'll open up. Maybe you'll ask me.

I doubt it, sadly. The church is not the only thing closing its claws on you. Age is narrowing your mind like a drawstring, and every year your brow cuts deeper, your lips purse tighter, your heart grows harder.

Every year you're less capable of admitting your own shadow.

But I'll be here. If one day you find you've misplaced your religion, come to me before you despair. I'll show you that all you admired from afar is perfectly harmless closer up, provided you keep your wits about you.

into the sea


:: 2012 12 July :: 1.59 am

I miss my Camry. I miss the 2nd house. The wonderland house. So many happy memories of being left alone there, just wandering around, spending endless hours listening to AoF audiobooks while putting together puzzles on the kitchen table.

In my inner world, there is a copy of almost every place I have lived, or at least part of it. It's almost always totally empty except for me, and maybe some of the pets that lived there.

And I walk the halls.

Like a ghost.

into the sea


:: 2012 11 July :: 6.22 am

After months, suddenly reading up on this stuff, and my spirit just /cries out/ for it. Just begs for more. Needs it.

Why did I ever drift away. This is so /right./

into the sea


:: 2012 9 July :: 1.22 pm

My little brother, babbling his head off about video games the moment he spots me, just to make conversation because he doesn't know what else I like.

How would he, or the rest of my family, feel if they knew I don't really love him?

But if they knew... If they knew what is in my heart. If they knew that if one day he had just never been in my life at all, if he just never existed, I wouldn't be any worse off.
I can't say I wouldn't miss him if he died, because I have my own emotional instability [thanks in large part to said parents] and I miss literally every living and nonliving thing that stops being a part of my life. But if he just suddenly disappeared from my timeline... I wouldn't be sad.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe nothing. But aren't you supposed to love your family? Aren't they the most important thing in your life?

People gripe about how much of a nuisance their siblings are all the time. But they always make sure to end the complaint with a light hearted, earnest "But in the end I love them so much".
I relate with the first half of their gripe, but only sort of smile and distantly nod to the second.
I just... don't love him. I don't care about him. He has nothing of interest to me. He is a dumb little kid. A ten year old with nothing to say about anything except what he has parroted from people and media around him. Like 99% of all ten-year-olds.
He is gone for two weeks at a time and the only thing I feel when he comes around every other weekend is a slight annoyance. He isn't dreadfully obnoxious anymore, but being asked about pokemon every single time I cross his path gets pretty old, especially when I give the same answer every time. It just doesn't seem to sink into his dense little brain that I don't want to talk.
Why would I want to talk? Other than to humor him, which is a gift I very rarely give people... usually it seems a bit dishonorable, to pretend to enjoy someone's dim-witted company. He has nothing to say. All he does is imitating of some youtube gamer he watches or some friend of his he thinks is cool. He does the same thing whether I'm in the room or he's alone; he just does it at me when I show up.
He's a kid. I don't begrudge him that. I just literally have no interest in his self-centered world.
I have my own self-centered world to get back to.

into the sea


:: 2012 19 June :: 1.26 pm

Find myself here again. Back to the country. Back with the family. Full circle. I needed a break, but the break's now over. And it's more okay than I expected.

I find I feel truly at home here. Moreso than I ever did before I left. Maybe I just didn't know what it meant to feel welcome, to feel like I belong, to feel supported and able to remain pretty much indefinitely. To have stability. To not have to look forward to a certain date a few months from now when I'll have to pack up all of my things again and find another place to live.

And, of course, having my partner to sleep beside me every night is always a plus.

Grandpa died back in February, the day after I moved from my 4th to 5th place, the last before I came back here. Sad to say, but it's a thousand times more peaceful without him. I was using the can opener today and even now I still flinch when it makes noise, waiting for him to take the opportunity to come investigate. It's good to be able to spend time in the living room watching tv or playing a game or whatever without him coming in and complaining about it. It's good to not come home to fox news blaring from the tv.
I think nobody wants to admit it, but sometimes it's a positive thing when someone dies. We want to create this belief that it's always the worst thing that could possibly happen, always a tragedy, always a horrible loss, but sometimes, it's a relief. Sometimes it's okay to say, even if just in your heart, "I'm glad they're gone now. Life is better."

into the sea


:: 2012 9 June :: 11.56 pm

why am i here
What am I doing here?
Online?

To get to know people? When was the last time I made and kept a friend online?
To make friends? All I do is learn more reasons to hate humanity. Also, none of the nice ones I meet have enough in common with me.
To share opinions? The internet is much more full of assholes and trolls than it once was. Sharing opinions is just begging to be mocked.
To document my life? Not really publicly possible these days without a great deal of anonymity. It used to not matter so much.
To waste time?
To find nice art?
To find stuff that offends/upsets me?

...

I really need to just block everything except cute animals and insightful youtube channels.

into the sea


:: 2012 14 May :: 11.09 am

oh. well... okay.
Sitting inside a Bojangles. The rain is pouring and pouring... I hope it doesn't stop. Or at least not til it gets dark.



Moving again in a couple of weeks. Coming full circle. Going back to where I started. And hopefully, finally this will be the last time. Sick of packing up all my stuff and uprooting. Sick of losing stuff in each move. Sick of hauling furniture on inevitably rainy days and breaking off pieces of the unacceptably heavy desk.

Feeling a bit anxious about things. Namely my car. I have the worst luck with vehicles. Pray it all works out, and in time for the flight back out of the city. Time for the latter half of this month will be very precious and we will have to spend it carefully until the 1st.

Spiritually, I'm evolving. Here in the city I found a niche in a group of people who really, truly welcome me for who I am. No fake "all are welcome"s here. It will take over an hour to drive there on Sundays once I leave this place. I don't know how often I will be able to make the trip.

As always I am so thankful for my partner. He has never left my side. I can rest so much easier knowing whatever happens, we're in it together. Hell or high water, rain or shine. When my car stalls and breaks down, and I panic and totally lose my head, I know who to call.

I turn 21 in six days. If after the mechanic bill we have a bit of money left over, I am going ahead with the plan I've had since I was sixteen or so. Although it may involve substantially more drinks than originally planned - work knew of the occasion and gave me not only the day off, but the day after... clearly I've been given permission by the universe.

This Bojangles is playing christian "rock". It seems in... poor taste for a restaurant. I feel sorry for any non-christian employees.

Mixed feelings about moving back to the country. Going back to a county that supported hatred of people like me 97% last week... Going like 30 miles from a Trader Joe's. Now, that's the worst.

Also, things with my mother have changed since my old car [before the current one, which is crippled at the moment but - I presume, at least - not fatally] died. She helped. A lot. After not speaking for six months, we're back in contact. We needed the break. I think she respects me as an adult now, at least a little bit.
And I hope she realizes that while I will be living in her house, my primary role will be as tenant, paying rent. Not child. She will try to assume the controlling parent role, but it will be rejected, as calmly and respectfully as possible. That doesn't mean there won't still be a shitfight; that's just the way she is.


Well. I don't update here much because all I ever write elsewhere is just venting or panicking. My hope is that once I stop moving around, stop depending 100% on my minimum-wage income to not be homeless, stop having no way to get around at all should my car become disabled, I will be able to relax a little bit. My disposition is already anxious; this does not help.

But for now, I will enjoy the rain.

into the sea


:: 2012 12 March :: 12.22 am

I think I've lost you.

He came along and overnight you were changed. No more impromptu japanese/other linguistics lessons. No more hours spent reading webcomics together. No more trips to the local asian marts to get giant hauls of candy and bento supplies. No youtube crawls.

You didn't care about any of that stuff anymore. Suddenly you wanted only to be an adult. Nothing was a joke. Everything was serious.

After that night - the night of the wrong-handed ring, the car going belly-up in the middle of the night, of being stranded in the big city a second time- after that, it hasn't been the same.

into the sea


:: 2012 11 March :: 4.43 am

why am i still awake
because i can. fuck bodies




i could do this shit forever. once i fall into it i can't stop. organizing.



you have left this behind. so i will wear it. i will become you in your wake.


you'll never know. you walk the earth every day knowing nothing of this. it gives me a strange sort of delight.

how you've changed. you left a niche to fill. for me, at least.

into the sea


:: 2012 23 February :: 1.32 pm

a proper update of sorts
- Not getting a place with the aforementioned two. Drama happened. Not my fault.
- In the big city now. I really enjoy it so far.
- Trying to love myself. Starting to feel it a bit.
- Doing spiritual work for once. Burning incense and meditating. It's good.

Haven't eaten yet today.

That's all, I guess.

into the sea

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