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:: 2012 23 February :: 1.30 pm

Why do I always burn my bridges?

I guess because what comes from the other side is more harmful than good.

Still, I get judged all the same.

Oh well.

into the sea

:: 2012 4 January :: 1.24 am

i love you so much. you are the light of my life. the heart of my heart. you are always here beside me; you have given me that secret gift. all i have to do is focus and i feel you. i feel your warmth, your steadiness. your infinite calm and patience.

sweet lover, i am yours. and i will always be yours, as long as you'll have me.

into the sea

:: 2011 13 December :: 10.21 am

just peel out the watch-word

into the sea

:: 2011 13 December :: 10.03 am

been a while
things that have changed;

> my keyboard is now handicapped and will no longer type n or m on its own.
> the passive-aggressive bullshit blossomed into serious drama and eventually it got to where i had friends spending the night to protect my safety and in the end, police were called.
> my closest friend has fallen for someone who was basically a stranger from the internet. i like him a lot but i am extremely wary and slow to trust him, no matter how sweet and calm and intelligent and softspoken he is. when you have known each other for a week and you go looking at wedding rings... you make me nervous. both of you.
> in three or four days i am leaving this place and going somewhere else. temporarily. for a month or two. it is over 20 miles from my work, but it is a safe place.
> after this short stint, i will be renting an apartment with the two aforementioned people. hopefully that will go well. i'm sick of living in a place for only a few months at a time.
> about a week ago, a corner of my right big toe went spontaneously, inexplicably numb. the feeling has yet to come back. i hope it will eventually.

pretty stressful, but it all follows the pattern that has been this year. the hardest and most successful year of my life. being put to the test, and passing the test. every. single. time.

into the sea

:: 2011 29 October :: 1.03 pm

motherFUCK but i am getting sick of this pattern
you know the whole
"i'm not going to actually confront you about something that i feel is a problem, but i'm sure as hell going to go on facebook and bitch about it, and not name your name but still make it VERY OBVIOUS who i'm talking about, and let all my macho big-talking friends threaten to murder you and your pets and shit"

yeah. that needs to stop.
just be "A MAN" as they say and say shit to my face if something needs doing.

and as far as me "not paying what i should be" for rent

YES, you let me rent for hella cheap. i'm ridiculously grateful, considering i don't know how long i'll be in the kind of money i'm in now, but it looks to not be all that long, likely.
but i give you 100% of what i owe you every month. what we agreed upon when i moved in. i AM paying what i should be paying. no, i'm not paying what is fair, but i'm doing my part of the deal. and you're doing yours, by letting me stay here.
i'd totally understand if you raised the price. it'd make tons of sense. idk how long i'd be able to afford it, but i certainly wouldnt hold it against you unless you were doing it specifically because you knew i couldn't afford it to try and force me out without actually kicking me out.

it doesn't even matter anyway, he is constantly talking about kicking the both of us out and not meaning it on there. it's just shitty of him

w/e w/e vent vent vent

into the sea

:: 2011 28 October :: 10.56 am

wow. kinda forgot about this place.
i'm still here, though. things have been much easier. well, up til recently, anyway, but i'm hoping this is just a minor hill.

listening to so much fucking music. this morning is not wasted.

into the sea

:: 2011 6 October :: 7.11 pm

to my father, who treated me like the scum of the earth for so long that i took it to heart and believed it to be true;

to my mother, who abandoned me in my time of greatest need, then said i was the one doing the walking away;

to my grandmother, who tried very hard to teach a small child sexual shame via humiliation;

to the eighth grade pre-algebra teacher who amused the class by loudly showcasing my learning disability to everyone who habitually picked on me;

to the eleventh grade algebra 2 teacher who told me good luck passing the class because she was giving up on me;

to the horrible boss of my first job who treated me like trash daily for shits and giggles and got away with it;

to everyone who told me that the way people treated me at my first job was normal and to never expect or hope for anything better in future jobs, or never even bother talking to HR about the constant abuse i endured under them because nothing but trouble would come of it;

to anyone in my life i wasted time upon beating myself against the brick wall of their eternal disapproval, for whom i tried so hard but could never be good enough, no matter what i did;

to every single one of the people throughout my young life who've
used me,
abused me,
taunted, belittled and invalidated me,
made me feel like shit for their own childish amusement,
taught me that i was a bad person and other "lessons" that will take years to un-learn,
controlled and manipulated me,
purposely fed me lies to make me fear, "respect" and obey,
told me i could never be successful on my own,
forced me into a corner,
put me down,
threatened and blackmailed me,
told me i couldn't do it and to not even waste time trying,
abandoned me to fend for myself...

this is my personal "fuck you" to every one of you.
this is me kicking you in a hole and forgetting all about you. just like you all forgot about me.

watch me rise, and realize that you will never even know how wrong you all were about me.

because i'm gone.

into the sea

:: 2011 6 October :: 3.24 pm

i'm not speaking to you, because any conversation we could possibly have would boil down to
"u mad"
"no, U mad"

i'm not mad, as it happens. just amused. maybe a little bitter. and i can see how you might see it like you were the one who motivated me, but as it happens, my luck turned good just after my relationship with you ended. [if i believed in a god, i'd say it was their will. but i think it was just a really lucky break for me, and i'm grateful anyway]. i got a job i'd applied for ages ago and forgotten about, i got a scholarship.
i'm happy you're seeing it as me stepping up and giving you the finger - even if you think it's thanks to you, which it's not - but it just so happened that my luck was good for once, and i'm utilizing all my skills to keep it that way. none of which, i might add, are thanks to you.

into the sea

:: 2011 24 September :: 2.04 pm

well, lock the door next time, then, if it's such a problem.

into the sea

:: 2011 24 September :: 11.29 am

so since the discourse you've been making posts about facebook about me. almost every day. they're meant to be little jabs at me but all i see is gradually more desperate and transparent self-justifications. 'bawww oh well she's an atheist who needs her anyway'... lol.

i like that i'm so under your skin. that post you made this morning told me that i was the first thing you thought about when you woke up. and the last time we talked was tuesday. it's saturday now. bitch can't stop thinking about me.
and yet here i am. truth be told, i think about what happened too, but i feel so fucking free, as opposed to bitter and angry and resorting to nonsensical, passive aggressive attacks like "well if you reject me AND god then at least i'm in good company".

i win.


into the sea

:: 2011 20 September :: 2.03 am

*insert sound of a bomb dropping here*
note: i should just start calling her by her given name after this, since she will certainly no longer deserve her title in any way. same for him.

into the sea

:: 2011 19 September :: 5.29 pm

went to goodwill and went way overboard getting awesomeawesomeawesome winter clothes [my own GOD DAMN SELF, miss too motherfucking cheap to give me $3 for a pair of pants without wanting to write up a god damn contract for exactly how i will pay you back]
and as i was checking out i realized i could only get about half of the sweaters i'd picked up, and a total stranger behind me in line gave me $2 to help me pay for one last sweater
;~~~~~; omg he made my day. i thanked him a gazillion times. and the green turtleneck he helped me buy wil now always make me feel a little more generous when i'm wearing it.

and it's funny how things happen.
because just yesterday in the letter i told her that a complete stranger would be more willing to give me money to help me get clothes to keep warm in winter than she, my mother.
and look what just happened today.

into the sea

:: 2011 19 September :: 10.23 am

fuck you
you don't love me.
you don't respect me.
you don't actually care about me.
you never really accepted me, and you told me so.

i don't love you.
i don't respect you, though i did in the past and i'd like to again.
i DO care about you, and i have always cared about you and your opinion of me far too much for my own good.
i had no choice but to accept you. and accept everything you forced upon me.

i'm going to gather up my courage and separate myself from you, once and for all. if it means i have one more bill to pay, then whatever. i'm paying off my car this week, anyway, and this bill will be probably 4 times smaller than that one.

i'm not afraid of you. threaten legal action all you want, i know it's empty bluffing and just you throwing a tantrum. you wouldn't win that case in a million years, and you're too much of a fucking cheapskate to even try.

i send that email, i expect you to:

- be completely outraged that i dared say no to you for once [and thus prove my point that all i ever did to you was not straight up say yes to everything you asked, and that was enough to incur all your wrath and abuse over the years]

- throw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming

- guilt trip me for everything you're worth [that should be interesting, seeing you take it up to 11.]

- try very hard to get on the top side of the discussion, and make it look like YOU'RE leaving ME, not being left by me [where again you wouldn't catch yourself proving me right, of course you're the one who's abandoning me. but to make yourself feel better you're dangling a set of golden handcuffs over my head and calling threats and blackmail "helping". fuck you.]

into the sea

:: 2011 15 September :: 10.55 pm

- honestly why do you even stay friends with him?

+ for real... there is no semblance of friendship left. it's like watching a train wreck.

- he's drunk spamming your facebook all the damn time now. and the only time he actually talks to you is when he's drunk.

[like right now.]

- exactly.

just glad i started that new account. without drunk motherfuckers posting a status about how drunk they are every 5 minutes. ugh

into the sea

:: 2011 14 September :: 5.56 pm

oh god lol
found that place where i was featured forever ago that brought all the tards to my youtube channel. excellent.

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