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:: 2011 14 September :: 1.07 pm

hate politics.

i like the place where i happened to be born, but i hate the fucked up corporation that is "america". ugh

into the sea

:: 2011 12 September :: 1.18 pm

new ripples
images bounce around in my head, other people telling me things they've seen. not from the horse's mouth, not yet. but:

a kind-eyed man in his mid-thirties in a warm-looking sweater, with dark hair and blue eyes, wearing glasses and a little bit of a beard.

so many of us inside here fear middle-aged men greatly. but he poses no threat. in fact such is his purpose. he is the guardian and protector of the little ones, some of whom are very damaged and need someone like him.

kaiser helps, too. everyone needs a puppy to love.

it's possible that within the system [i can't really say the house anymore... it feels bigger than just one building] there is a daycare type building where he with kaiser takes care of the little ones.

edit: his name is chase.

into the sea

:: 2011 11 September :: 11.32 pm

talking it into existence
people keep saying how dead livejournal is. if it got too dead even for me... i would be sad. but i'd still have this place. which is like all the best bits of lj, minus the communities.

and the small userbase has pros and cons. that's for sure.

into the sea

:: 2011 8 September :: 10.00 pm

back to the start
my entire world has just been turned upside down.

tonight unexpectedly blew up in my face and i came an inch away from losing literally everything i have and hold dear. and it was all completely my fault.

the one who's been fronting our system for a good long time just... fled tonight. we'll probably see her again, but not right now.
and someone who was either brand new or had been waiting in the shadows so to speak, strode to the front and has locked herself in and everyone else out for the time being.

we are calling this a good thing.

tomorrow the alchemy begins. i was sitting on my ass waiting for self esteem, self love, self respect to come back to me on the wind.
time's up.
i have to find it now. and in the meantime i've got to draw that shit out of thin air.

and i.
do it.

because there is no greater cause than this.

into the sea

:: 2011 7 September :: 10.26 am
:: Music: modest mouse - a wild pack of family dogs

been sick as hell for 4-5 days now. kinda ridiculous. haven't been sick for that long since my bout with strep throat back in may*. finally getting over it, but my neck is stiff as fuck which results in a pounding head when i move too much.
still feel drained from the battle inside. finally was able to take a shower, which was invigorating. and it's no longer a struggle to get up and cross the house to grab a drink.

wow, just realized how small this house is. prob the smallest one i've ever lived in. my room is on the left-most side and the kitchen is on the right-most, but it's probably only 50 feet or so from here to there. crazyness.

once i get strong again, i'm going to do some serious cleaning. laundry, vaccuuming, sweeping, 409'ing, whatever.

* i'm told that people typically get strep throat as often as once or twice a year, or even more. i have only had it two or three times in my life, but i'm hypersensitive to the bacteria, to the point of calling it an allergy. here's some of the fun things that have happened to me [apart from the normal fever, chills, aches and pains, weakness etc.] on the rare occasions i come down with it:
when i was a kid: scarlet fever rash/hives ALL OVER my body. i didn't get that this time. maybe it's a childhood thing. [scarlet fever is related to strep.]
this summer:
- canker sores/ulcers sprouting in my mouth, one after another after another, about 20 total. starting, apparently the moment i came in contact with the bacteria. got so bad that i couldn't open my mouth. they didn't go away; as soon as one would start calming down another one would open up.
- my very first eruption of cold sores. yay! and because i had never had them before and didn't know what they were [thanks boyfriend for giving them to me], i just figured they were a weird ulcer on my lip and licked them, a lot. i ended up with FOUR of them.
- this resulted in this really weird and excruciatingly painful raised bumps on the tip of my tongue. like an infected taste bud, but 1000 times more painful. it hurt to just be in possession of a tongue. after some research i learned that these were related to the cold sores.
- after about a week of being sick as a dog and having no idea what was wrong with me, i numbed my mouth so thoroughly with orajel that i could open my mouth for a minute, looked in the rearview mirror of my car, and ta-da! a colony of strep in my throat, grown wild and unchecked. because the sore throat had been the least of my hurts. x_x

into the sea

:: 2011 4 September :: 4.35 pm
:: Music: antony and the johnsons - hope there's someone

been a few days, hasn't it? he's been here, so. i've been rather busy.

yesterday i woke up with a cramping pain in my lower right back/side. it got so bad i could barely walk. on my way home from getting cat litter [i'd halfway changed the boxes and then found i was out, so i had to go out and get some] i started to feel so bad i couldn't do anything. couldn't go outside to put out the litter in the trash bag that was making the house reek. had the most awful gas, and thought maybe the eggs i scrambled in the microwave weren't good enough.
also worried that the pain i felt was not just stiff muscles unaccustomed to sleeping with another in the bed. in true hypochondriac style, i worried that my UTI hadn't really gone away and had reached a kidney at last.

i'm still worried about that. i took ibuprofen last night and this morning i woke up and urine flowed dark brown. if you squinted it even looked red. frightening. the next time it was still cloudy and dark but as soon as i started drinking cranberry juice it flowed translucent and almost totally clear of color, as it should.

there simply isn't money for me to visit a doctor. there just isn't. would minute clinic treat someone with a possible kidney infection? i'm not totally sure that's what it is, of course, but... it's a frightening prospect for someone in poverty.

i still feel kind of weak. possibly feverish, not sure. afraid to check. i'm keeping down all my food, and i'm not full of gas that i cannot express like i was last night. the pain in my side [which feels like a muscle cramp, despite what it may be - actually it felt like a fucking bullet in my side last night] has reduced and only hurts me if i breathe too deeply or move too quickly.

maybe sleep?

change subject

my others and i started a notebook. hopefully we will log some good conversations. improve the flow of communication.

into the sea

:: 2011 31 August :: 11.50 pm

just one more night
i can't believe it's been less than two weeks since i saw you. tonight it feels like it's been months.

i can't believe you're only 85 miles away from me. tonight it feels like it's a thousand.

i love you... you're all i have. come home and be with me.

into the sea

:: 2011 31 August :: 6.32 pm

doing more testing.

into the sea

:: 2011 31 August :: 11.10 am

just papercuts
self: when you stalk people's journals that don't know you're reading them, fully aware that they like to bitch about everything when something makes them angry, you don't get to feel bad when they inevitably say something about you. no matter how untrue it is.

shut your mouth and go do some chores or something if you think you're such a bad [insert here].

into the sea

:: 2011 31 August :: 9.14 am

being the way i am makes decisions... difficult.
stupid ones, but big ones that sitting on the fence means not being able to move forward with life.

such as;

- do i want to hold onto my pride or do i want to let things go?
- do i let things bother me, or not?
- do i take things personally or not?
- do i have anxiety problems or not?
- do i think too much about myself or not?
- do i believe in myself and feel optimistic, or feel fatalistic and always expect the worst, to prevent myself from being hurt? can one be somewhere in between?
- is there a reason, really, to feel good about/like/be proud of myself?
- am i too hard on myself? if so, do i deserve it? if not, how do i fix it?

... really, "how do i fix it" applies to this whole thing in general.

and one of them is writhing and coughing to please delete it but it needs to come out. to make sense somehow.

into the sea

:: 2011 31 August :: 9.05 am

i just

woke up this morning to snuffling sounds and i found there was a white pit bull puppy with black ears lolloping outside my window, grinning like she was sharing a great joke with the whole world. she was wet from the dew, and snappy-playful. her long tail wagged as far as it would go to either side.
the white pit bull dog with black ears... one just like it sits on my altar right now. it is one of my biggest totems.
i just... don't know what it stands for.

into the sea

:: 2011 30 August :: 11.21 pm

you abandoned me. don't whine when i abandon you back.

into the sea

:: 2011 30 August :: 2.43 pm

a coherent post
work soon.

my art;
hasn't improved since 2009, except in terms of anatomy. i still color like a 12 year old, in my opinion. i still don't understand lighting and shading. i have created about 5 new characters in the last two years that actually stuck around, when i used to have twice that or more every year. i have improved greatly in muscle and bone structure and placement, and i'm working on/experimenting with weight distribution.

my story/ies;
total standstill. no changes, no new writing, no scenarios, no growth. i may have thought of a new setting, but i certainly haven't expanded or implemented it.

my mental state;
... tumult. finally trying to deal with a lot of stuff. it's not going well. i think for one second that i've made an improvement and then... it shrinks right back again. at least i'm more aware of things now.

my family;
my bio-family is fucked. i'm working on cutting them out of my life, with the exception of my sister. they abused and still abuse me whenever i give them a chance, so i won't anymore if i can help it.
my REAL family, though, is wonderful. and small, the way it should be. me, my love, and my [furred, feathered and scaled] little ones.

my work;
my job is shitty. my boss is shitty. my hours are shitty. i make just above minimum wage. customer service is not the job for me in any capacity. i'm trying to get a second job. it will probably be in food service again. it might be suicidal, but i need money. for now, i'm working twice what i used to work, which was 4-6 hours a week... i hope it's not just because bitchtits is on vacation.

my love life;
is wonderful. i couldn't ask for a better partner. if only he wasn't at college three quarters of the year.
...his family doesn't like me. big surprise. mine doesn't like me either, so it's okay. but of course they love him. he made me straight, so they think.

my education;
is now in a ditch thanks to the government and my family abandoning me financially. hope i can start back soon and say fuck you to everyone who tried to drag me down this year.

my happiness;
is not at its highest... but i'm an adult, i'm happily in love, and i'm free, and that counts for everything in my opinion.

i just have to work out all this shit in my head, and make money...

into the sea

:: 2011 30 August :: 2.17 pm

lol. you think you're being cute. clearly you don't know what i know, and that is how to delete and think no more of it. ;D!

into the sea

:: 2011 30 August :: 2.10 pm
:: Music: eisley - wings and windows

viva la angst
shedding my skin. it's going to take a long time, but someday, i will have both of you out of my hair. that entire line of inbred abusive drunkard hicks. i will pretend not a one ever existed. the word will go that i sprang out of the ground like a tree one day.

no swear word is strong enough for you. just fuck you. all of you save one.

the thought of being like you in any way sickens me. i'm blessed in that my features look blended, and don't resemble either side very strongly. no trait of mine is an inheritance that i cannot change. i claim nothing of you. i am my own person. starting a new line - except not, because children are something i'm not stupid enough to let happen to me.

just grateful that someone in this world treats me right and doesn't abandon me or abuse me. the world doesn't give a shit about me, and nor should it... even still, i'm glad he does.

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