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and the only word i can manage is *smile*

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:: 2006 24 January :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: . disheartened .
:: Music: . something corporate .

. split personalities are the best/worst thing ever .

welp, kiddos, this is going to be a short one... because i have to be a functioning member of society in just a few minutes.... in other words, try to get girls on my floor to do some yoga and eat up these cookies that the dept gave me. gagmenow.

i'm such a mess.
in so many ways.

just when i get motivated and excited and ready to take on the world, reality hits. hard. and confuses the shit out of me.
i don't understand. i feel like the better my intentions get and the more effort i put into planning/replanning/unplanning my life, the worse it ends up.
maybe i should just drop everything, quit trying to succeed, and float through like everyone else who seems to be having the best time of their fucking worthless lives.
but even then i wouldn't be happy.
i don't think i can be happy.
well, for more than a few minutes/hours, that is. i am happy sometimes. and when i am, it's amazing. i'm estatic about the world, all of the people,places,things in it. i'm like drunk off happiness.
and either it eventually wears down or i get dropped and my little bubble of joy bursts and i feel worse than i did beforehand.

i feel like i struggle with a lot of things so much more than everyone else.. so is there something wrong with me, or am i just a total baby/overthinker? i'd like to hope a combination of the two, but who knows...

i just want to feel content, successful, fulfilled.
i want to be loved and to love another, to be open to sharing my life with another person instead of being so god-damned self-focused all the time.

i just want to be in control.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 6 December :: 10.50 pm
:: Mood: . detached .
:: Music: . something corporate .

. calm after the storm .

i totally lost it today.
i'm talking full-fledged mental meltdown, kiddies.
and the funny thing is.. the only person who knew about it was my mom. sure, paul (my boss) noticed my red eyes and tried to get me to talk (but we left it at "personal things") when i went into the office to snag a file. but no one else. because i really don't have anyone.
i mean, sure i have people for like "oh no- i'm stressed about this paper - can we get coffee and chill for a few?" but no one for the "omg i can't live with myself anymore- it hurts to breathe." you know - the life or death, crucial moments.

it's really been hitting me that the central problem is that i'm just not happy. i can't do anything for me - nothing makes me happy-it's all just obligations. i mean, the frat is getting to be that way for me. sfl definitely is that way. hanging out w/ friends is mostly that way.. i'd rather just be napping and dancing and reading all curled up in a blanket in my favorite chair at home. those are the only things that really make me happy anymore. well, with the exception of butterflies.
but it's like... how do i make it so that i love living life, not just surviving it?
answer that, and i'll give you a cookie.
because you will have saved my life.

a lot's been going on... for being such a sloth (the past 4 days). i don't feel like getting into all of the details. sorry, kiddies. it's almost time for will and grace and fall asleep.

this is all too ironic:
-ken (mr i don't think i can have a gf anytime soon bc i'm going away all next year and i'm basically asexual at this point) has a girlfriend - a HORRIBLE, ugly version of me.. i'm talking identical to me except for her face and she likes country. and is a little less classy w/ her showing off drinkingness in facebook.
-mark (that's right - my bf from like 7-9th grade) is ENGAGED. to a girl that he, at one point, described as "had invested too much time in" to break it off when he stopped liking her and realized that she's a crazy bitch and no one likes her.
-lucass (mr "when you're done with school... come find me and we'll get married") is dating lizz... and they're bad influences on each other. and, approximately 2 minutes before i was filled in this info, she tried to get me to do a threesome with them.
-genesis (from home - always had a little crush... had a nice little cuddle party over thanksgiving break) is kind of seeing someone
-andrew (from home - always had a little crush... had a nice little chat over break) is kind of seeing someone
and worst of all (well, maybe except for ken)-
- the cute boy on my study abroad.. that i seemed to click with.. basically the only hope keeping me excited for the trip... oh yea- he's got a gf. and they went to the same high school - he grad in 03 and she did in 01, so they probably have been dating forever and are probably virtually married.
found out all of this within the course of a week. and i don't know how to process it all.
i guess- i can't really complain. friday i'm going on a date with a guy who works in the dorm. i don't think i'm really into him in that way, but hey- it's my first real date and he's a nice guy. i'll fill you in on the details later.
but i'm still trying to work on rob and anthony. it kills me because i don't know how to get it across to them that i am into them, since we know each other on more work-related bases. plus- i like them for different reasons. and neither of them are nearly as hot as study-abroad-guy. rob and ken are pretty equal in looks... ken a little higher, and anthony a little lower. idk. i'm so ridiculous sometimes. it's like.. i scope out and think constantly about guys and trying to develop things for them and vice versa... but in reality, i don't think i could handle a real relationship right now. i'm just totally in the mood for flings.. like, a month or two or three. it's like my new thing - no titles, but lots of sleeping (cuddling) buddies, a little kissing, and lots of butterflies. when the butterflies are gone, so am i. it seems all i'm capable after loving someone so intensely, sincerely, and wholeheartedly like marcus (and then suffering through a year of crazy up-and-down afterward that made the love disappear).

who knows.
i'm taking it day by day, kiddos. i think that's the only way i'll have enough strength to breathe.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 29 November :: 8.19 pm
:: Mood: . rock bottom .
:: Music: . rufio . white lights .

. shouldn't i be writing a paper? .


oh, and add to the pile: ry can't come to the big-little dinner. because the firm that he's interning at next semester has a christmas party.
i'm not kidding - i teared up a bit.
i think he failed me big time as a big...

idk. maybe this plays into the realization that i had about myself and commitments. aside from the fact that my heart is bigger than my free time, i think i just get sick of things. like i throw myself into anything/one new and exciting... then quickly it burns out and i'm stuck in a committment i really have no interest in or desire to put effort into.
like, seriously. story of my life.
what is my fucking deal?

the funny thing is... this falls victim to this trend more often than not- i start an entry, skip around a bit, then stop halfway though what i really wanted to say. this entry is a perfect example.

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 12 November :: 9.35 am
:: Mood: . rock bottom .
:: Music: . relient k . when i go down .

. shh - i'm hiding .

wow. i am so fucked.

yesterday was a good day. not scholastically productive, but good. i drove around, taking care of errands, with the moonroof open, sun shining in, singing along (very loudly) to my mix cds, had lots of caffeine.. then i came home and found out i won a small study abroad scholarship from the honors college. awesome.

i don't even know where to begin, kiddies.
i seriously want to just throw in the towel. it's pretty fucking obvious that i can't do anything right. i can't hold myself accountable to anything. i'm pretty much just a fucking waste of space, air, and way too much food.
it's at the point where i don't even know what to do with myself. like... i just want to lie in bed with the sheets over my head. not cry. not talk. nothing. just lie there, waiting for this life to take its course and be done.

even better: i just want to go home. the drive there would sober me up (because i'm currently drunk on depression.. ), and then i could cook my own food, clean my clothes, lock myself in my room, and look out the window. or cruise the backroads. wow i miss home. i always tell people i'm homesick.. but i'm not really homesick. i mean, i go home quite a bit, and i see my parents at least once a week...
i just miss the feeling of freedom.
when i'm here, i have to be perky any time i leave my room or have the door open. when i have the door shut, i feel like a bad mentor, like i'm hiding from the world (which i am).

why am i such a failure at life?
this isn't how it was supposed to work out.
all i want is to acheive something.. at this point, anything...

so let's review:
i'm bombing all of my classes
it's too late to reverse it
my room is trashed
work stresses me out
i'm broke
i'm stupid as fuck
i'm disgusting
i can't control myself
the guy i kinda like just screwed 2 girls at once
but i really don't like him. he just pays attention to me. and sleeps in my bed on occasion.
my big is too busy dating my friend
i'm a fat mess
i'm always too busy, yet never get anything done
i'm ugly
i hate 99% of my clothes
my parents stalk me
i am a bad, bad person.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 11 November :: 12.45 am
:: Mood: . perma-disappointed .
:: Music: . relient k . who i am hates who i've been .

. seriously .

you'd think i'd learn.
but no.

i'll tell you flat out-
the very thing i hate more than everything is
the way i'm powerless to dictate my own moods
. relient k . when i go down .

oh, and on a side note: i had a spiritual epiphany of sorts yesterday.
i think i'm a protestant.
which is quite possibly the scariest thought to ever enter my mind. but i'm going to investigate.. if i ever get time to think it through...

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 4 November :: 10.09 pm
:: Mood: . homesick, unmotivated, lonely .
:: Music: . sarah mclachlan . adia .

. i'm so lame .

i hope marcus comes out sunday night.

i think about him every day.

Favorite Color: pink
Favorite Food: tofu, in various forms
Favorite month: october - birthday, leaves change, halloween, not (usually) too burnt out in school... what more could a girl ask for?
Favorite Song: "this side you've never seen" by the december drive. and many others.
Favorite Movie: romeo + juliet, mean girls, mona lisa smile
Favorite Sport: i hate sports
Favorite Season: all of 'em - yay for michigan's 4 seasons!
Favorite Day Of the Week: class-free tuesdays
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: mint choc chip or moose tracks
Favorite Time of Day: mid-morning

Current Mood: overall depressed
Current Taste: post-gum
Current Clothes: white state tshirt (from supporting my vball girls), black gauchos
Current Desktop Picture: one of my originals
Current Toenail Color: silvery light pink
Current Time: hey let's rub it in that i'm not going out on a friday night
Current Surroundings: standard location: lying in bed w/ mood lighting and a candle burning
Current Thoughts: classified information

First Best Friend: barbara, in dewitt.
First Kiss: chris c, i think. in like 2nd grade.
First Screen Name: disco6chica
First Pet: gizmo, a mutt cat who thought he was a dog
First Piercing: ears, second grade
First Crush: cole. in dk.
First CD: no doubt - tragic kingdom 10th birthday from aunt barb
First Car: badass green taurus

Last Cigarette: last saturday, but before then it'd been a while
Last Drink: beaner's fair trade rwanda coffee
Last Car Ride: drive to campus this morning
Last Kiss: EDIT: i forgot to change this from the person before... and now (11/29) i don't remember...
Last Movie Seen: romeo + juliet - my fave for falling asleep to
Last Phone Call: ry, my big
Last CD Played: relient k - mmhmm

Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: yes. and it hurts twice as hard when it ends.
Have You Ever Broken the Law: and been caught? only driving stuff
Have You Ever Been Arrested: no sir
Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: no
Have You Ever Been on TV: yea- bozo a couple times, local news, etc
Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: yes sir

Thing You're Wearing: ribbon necklace
Thing You've Done Today: walked campus
Thing You Can Hear Right Now: the girls down the hall watching saw
Thing You Can't Live Without: ipod
Thing You Do When You're Bored: sleep

1. union
2. jenison fieldhouse (volleyball game)
3. urban outfitters
4. lafayette square for dinna

1. to be loved/appreciated
2. to be happy with myself
3. more time

1. Black or White: black
2. Hot or Cold: cold

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: find the love of my life

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.48 am
:: Music: . dashboard confessional . saints and sailors .

. long time no whine .

well, on here at least.
i pretty much had a complete meltdown on sunday night... and again most of the day on monday. i had several conversations about it with several people, but just about all of them were family or reslife ppl. so they're pretty much required to help me.

i want to quit school.
and i know people would be pissed at me. because, giving myself at least a little credit, i'm smart enough to be in college. it would be a waste for me not to be. but... i'm not smart enough for it. seriously - i'm a failure at life. ken yells at me for saying that, but it's true. and i cannot say it enough.

but right now... instead of venting on here.. because ken just called and interrupted me.. i'm going to go scour the caf for vegan edibles. wish me luck.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 18 September :: 12.26 am

i give up.

i'm so sick of trying to fill this void in my life with other people's attention and affection. and i'm just not getting enough. i can only handle so many negative balances before the whole system just implodes.

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 15 September :: 8.44 pm
:: Mood: . currently pretty good .
:: Music: . freshly-downloaded relient k .

last night, i was on mentor duty - so we do rounds a couple times a night. during one walk-through the building, i caught a really, disturbingly accurate quote on a doortag:

"the question is, do i force a confrontation or just continue being whiny and passive agressive until she realizes what a good catch i am?"
- seth cohan, the oc

bullseye. i couldn't have said the me-ken situation better than that. except, we've kinda had 2 confrontations, i guess. the first time this summer when i told him.. and he didn't really answer me. and the second time, when i spent the night last wknd.. and i know at some point i asked him wtf is going on w/ me and him. but i was drunk. and i don't really remember his response, other than i know it wasn't a straight answer.


i was going to say more. but screw it. my eyes hurt from the screen. more later, kiddies

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 11 September :: 8.02 pm
:: Mood: . content .
:: Music: . coldplay (thanks james for getting me addicted!) .

. i want to bottle this feeling up for later .

wow. cheese-fest, i know. i'm so ridiculous. i can't help it.

and idk what it was. the parents were driving through town, so we went to woody's (best god-damned middle eastern food in the world, btw) with lisa and eric. de-fricken-licious. i could eat spicy falafel every day for the rest of my life.
anyways.. when they dropped me back at the dorm, i just felt great. and i still do, like an hour later.

i just keep reliving those little snippets of friday night and saturday morning that make me smile.

forehead kisses from ken... tickling... pouting and scooching away when he "lies" to me, and him pulling me back in closer... "what are you thinking right now?"... his attempts at arabic... that creepy wolf poster on his wall... him sneaking his feet next to mine... impromptu back scratches... the magnetic nametag... "i like your hair like that"... moving just a tiny bit to interrupt his snoring... his freaking out that he snores... knowing that a night watching him sleep is far better than a night spent sleeping... tucking just a tiny bit of hair behind my ear... those honey-brown eyes so close-up that i can't see anything else.
our whole relationship is a thousand times more intimate than anything i've had since the early days of marcus/me, and about a hundred times more innocent.

i can't get enough of it.

and i know putting these in here seems silly and wasteful... but if they, even once, spur up these same feelings at another time when i'm feeling like poo... that's all i need for justification. i want to remember how it feels to be this way.

look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and everything you do
. coldplay . yellow .

it's kind of like how i very seriously considered getting back with marcus late this summer. i just kept thinking of all the great times we had together. the hilarious chemistry we have. the drives we've been on. naps w/ my face nuzzled into that sweet spot. dying our hair in calvin's community bathrooms from the same box. learning to drive a stick in holy spirit's parking lot. wiping out in front of a car while rollerblading. playing chef for him. after-school visits.
it's the best way to put it: the little snippets flow through my mind like a slideshow. a slideshow of happiness.
sorry. cut the cheese, i know.

but i can't help it.

it's invigorating.

i think about you all the time
but i don't need the same
. goo goo dolls . name .

i'm such a hopeless romantic. :)

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 11 September :: 3.44 pm
:: Mood: . lazy .
:: Music: . 19 wheels . i want you here .

. hate the game AND the players .

i would just like to state that i am effing sick of reading about memorials and their impact on society and blah blah blah. stupid madison class.

it's been an interesting weekend, to say the least.
thursday night, that one guy came over. the stalker. oh geez- what is his name?! jacob. and no, i'm not kidding - it took a full 3 minutes and a scan of my recent calls list to remember it. regardless, i don't plan to see him again. his gecko was about 10 times cooler than him. and, according to emily w's advice, it's better to have nothing at all then something mediocore.

friday night i went to a party over at ken and jesse's.. let's just say that before i even got there, i had already had some popov, merlot, champaigne, and coors light. upon arrival, i was given a complimentary house-glass and the keg beer started flowing. i was a mess.
ended up spending some time in nader's room (one of the roomies).
ken came home at some point in the night. i don't think i even said hi or really talked to him until some ungodly-early hour, when jesse and james finished off their grilled cheese and decided it was bedtime.
to be honest, i didn't think he was going to let me sleep in his room bc of the nader thing.
but he did. and we did the whole stay-up-late-talking thing. i don't remember a whole lot of it, which is about enough to make me swear off booze-then-ken for the rest of my life. i want to remember those moments. or, rather, hours.
and we cuddled.

and the only word i can manage is *smile*

and none of this half-assed cuddling that happened last weekend. this was like hard-core cuddling. like... we were both totally awake by like 9, and we just laid around till noon, knowing full well that neither of us was going to fall asleep again. no tv, no music (aside from the roomies playing the fight song pre-tailgate). just silence. or us talking. or his heartbeat.
and i wish i could stay in that moment for forever.

the ride back to the dorms sucked.

and on top of it, marcus is being ridiculous. idk what happened, but i thought we were totally cool. he seemed super-excited to hang out w/ me when i went home last weekend, but before the game, he was calling nonstop and yelling and hanging up and being demanding and outrageous. drama like what. all i wanted was to prolong my happiness...
so then i showered, ate a little brunch, and wandered over to the tennis courts to find jesse drunk all over again at tailgate. so we go to the game an hour early. i feel like i'm going to die, either from exhaustion/dehydration/overheating or from jesse's nonstop hitting-on-me, and leave right after kickoff for a nice little nap and rehydration. but when i left, he was like "hey, give me a kiss" so i gave him a kiss on the cheek. and he was like "no no, a real kiss" and i just laughed and left. but the way he said it... it made me think of when mark used to make little demands like that... and it really scared me.
he came back at halftime and crashed on my futon for a few hours, until we left to go out again. (i will discuss how much i hate days like this at a later time)
but he said some things to me that i haven't been able to shake. silly drunk jesse telling sober me the disgusting things that guys do/say/think. apparently, early friday night, him and nader made a little game plan - nader had dibs on me. WTF? i could not believe that the conversation had actually occurred, but jesse wouldn't lie about stuff like that.
and you gotta love his comments about how i've "already slept with half the apartment - james and i are just waiting for you to get around to us." wow. that's another slap-then-jaw-drops. although i've always had a crush on james...
oh, yea - and we discussed ken and me. a little. jesse basically told me that ken doesn't want a relationship right now (i know), and he's just being a guy. in jesse's words, "he's just like every other guy - sometimes you just gotta get your dick wet." WTF? x10. not only does that not seem like ken in the least, but ken's never gotten anything out of me. nothing. and i won't unless there's really something happening.

last night, apparently i didnt get the memo that you'd have to be wearing at least $500 worth of attire in order to get into this party, unlimited tanning-pass, blonde hair, and bloomfield-born highly recommended. except for the guys, of course. so i had ken pick me up after work so i could get my car. and i was still so pissed about what jesse said (ken doesn't know), that i just drove home and went to bed. after i'd had a few drinks. which is not like me. at all.

now i'm trying to figure out the best way to work this whole situation. ken and i have 2 separate relationships - professional (sfl) and other (friends, me wanting more). i will never do anything to mess with the former, but the latter... i'm considering taking out some effing games at this point.
por ejemplo: he rarely, if ever, calls me. not like i call him all the time, but i'm considering adapting the whole "i'm not calling him till he calls me" philosophy.
also on the possible-strategies list: ending these sleep-overs. if jesse's right, and ken's just being a guy (even if his goal is cuddling, not getting laid) then idk if i want to give in to his selfishness. it's the whole "if you're giving away ice cream, no one's going to want to buy the truck" philosophy. in a pg-rated context.
but then it's like.. who am i to speak? and who can turn down a good cuddle or a sleeping buddy? are these games really going to get me where i want to be, or just make matters worse? therein lies the true dilemma.

i wish i knew what to do.

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 9 September :: 3.54 pm
:: Mood: . green with envy .
:: Music: (office space in spanish)

. it's about that time .

the time of day where i hate everything.
oh wait... that's more like 12+ hours of the day.

i'm sick of feeling this way. i effing hate wishing i were someone else, living someone else's life. but it's true. and it seems like the harder i push myself to just keep a positive attitude and keep my head up, the more fake i feel, which leads me to feel even worse about the whole situation.

every day.
i still think about it.
but the disgusting thing is... i don't want to end my life. i just don't want to be myself. if that makes any sense in the least.. it's like... life would be great - if i were someone else. at this point, almost anyone else..

i guess i could share a cute little story with you. bring a little warm-fuzzies your way.
the only night i was out here at state last weekend, i couldn't find anything to do. my friend jesse kept trying to get me to go to some house party, but i hate going places like that where i basically know no one. so i kept turning him down. well, he just happened to mention that ken (who just happens to be his roomie) was staying in and cleaning. so i call ken and invite myself over. it's funny, because ken thought that jesse was making everyone call him out of pity, but in this case, it was more of it "ken, will you hang out w/ me bc i'm a loser?". either way, it worked out well. especially when he turned off his phone and aim bc he didn't want to talk to anyone else.
and bc it was labor day weekend, i could stay out overnight w/o it counting against me, so i just crashed out there. we stayed up super-late, as expected with ken-emily nights. i adore talking w/ that kid. i mean, we flipped through some of his baby pictures and family pictures, and talked politics and futures and the group dynamics of sfl and megan and blah blah blah... i can't put it into words, but there's just something about having a real conversation with a real person who really cares.
i guess that's a good word for him - genuine.
and we semi-cuddled when we slept.. even though i barely slept, it was totally worth it. it felt so right. even if this goes nowhere (which is probably, unfortunately the case), just having him in my life in this manner is amazing.

fall in love all over again
i'm a lot like you, so please
hello - i'm here, i'm waiting
i think i'd be good for you
and you would be good for me
. weezer . el scorcho .

it was hilarious when jesse and the other roomies came home from that party, too. they all stripped down to their boxers, and jesse like pounced on me. just imagine a very-drunk, big burly yooper jumping on top of you in his boxers. hilarious, yet exceedingly scary.

oh, and ps - i got to be in a group w/ cute-boy from spanish today. made eye-contact and laughed when we realized we were totally off. stupid crazy-changing verbs. but yea - he's dreamy

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 6 September :: 11.02 am


i wonder why i even bother to breathe.

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 31 August :: 11.08 pm
:: Mood: . miserable .
:: Music: . third eye blind . good for you .

. long time no post .

yea. the RA life has been interesting, to say the least. more some other time, i suppose.

it's all in your mind, she said
the darkness and the light
. third eye blind . thanks a lot .

i'm not going to lie - it's been a struggle to get through each day. especially since RA training started 2 weeks ago. especially since classes started 2 days ago.

i'm completely miserable.

and lonely.

and a failure at anything i could ever possibly think of.

i was telling marcus earlier... every single positive thing that's happened has had a negative thing follow immediately.
por ejemplo: my brother mentor (RA), rob, is an awesome guy. totally cool, helpful, etc. we talk a few times a day and eat together almost every day. but the more i talk to him, the worse i feel about myself and my life. he just seems to have everything together, seems to be in control, to have it made. he's got loads of friends, keeps in contact w/ tons of people from high school, smart, spirited, spiritual, cute, athletic. blah blah blah. me? oh yea - i'm that worthless blob that sits in her room all day, wavering back and forth whether or not she can sneak the door shut and cry herself into yet another nap.

i feel like my entire existence is leaning on marcus.
sure, i talk to ken a little. but i haven't in a while.

and based upon his reaction when he told me that one of our mutual friends almost pulled the trigger earlier in the year.. i have a feeling he'd freak if i told him that i think about it every day.


i tried talking to my mom a week or so back. just played it as homesickness (which it kinda is).
she kinda freaked out too. then changed the topic uncomfortably.

i can't seem to help it. i have no reason to feel happy.
i hate where i'm at in life, and i hate myself.

and reading about suicide for my social relations class isn't helping.
"if life is not worth the trouble of being lived, everything becomes a pretext to rid ourselves of it."

that first part hit me hard

"if life is not worth the trouble of being lived..."

i'm pretty sure that point's already been passed... a few miles back, in fact.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 2 August :: 3.06 pm

maybe i just set aside
the fact that you were broken-hearted
in my own special, selfish way
and if i hadn't set aside
the fact that you were broken-hearted
hell knows where your heart would be today
maybe with me
. alkaline trio . sorry about that .

go ahead. do it. | Random Journal