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and the only word i can manage is *smile*

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:: 2005 29 July :: 7.59 am
:: Mood: . calm .
:: Music: . goo goo dolls . sympathy .

. welp, that's that .


but at least i know now, right?

but it's misery in a i-can't-feel-it-or-anything-else-for-that-matter kinda way. the movie didn't meet expectations. it was fucking cold out. ms76 lead to his anti-liberal chatter. coming back home until 4am just proved more awkward.

he touched me.

as in he grabbed my foot in a moment of passion answering something or another. and later he used me as a pillow, his hand brushing against my foot. with his eyes following my path of sight, i decided to be a big kid.

i told him.
in my tell-and-then-brush-off sort of way.
like "i'm really into you, but i know you're too good for me"
blah blah blah. he knew.

he never said yes or no... but we all know that means no. he more went along the lines of "i knew. don't think i didn't think about you that way too..."
blah blah blah.
stop touching me.

i want you out.
so he went home.
and i collapsed against the front door.
and tossed and turned for 3.5 hrs... until now.

and now i'm here.
and i have nothing left.

sure he's still there.. and he's an amazing guy. a ridiculously intelligent guy. but some of his perspectives on life make me uber-depressed and want to get him to snap out of it. happiness is necessary. for yourself. that's what makes the world go round.
i'd live my life of super-high to super-low than his of monotous day-in and day-out.

sometimes, i'd really like to just slap some sense into people.

but it doesn't matter. because now i know.
i was a fool all along.

i don't know what to do with myself. am i supposed to act normal- because this is what i expected. am i supposed to act relieved- because marcus doesn't think i'm anywhere near ready for a relationship (and he has some valid points). am i supposed to act upset- because there is not a soul on the face of the earth who would ever find anything in me attractive.

i choose door number 3.

"i feel like there's a wall between me and you"
duh. you already know how i feel about my academic failures.. but that doesn't give you an all-access behind-the-scenes pass into my self-hatred and other failings.
fuck you and your perfectness. in your ability to talk without choking on every fucking word that rolls off your tongue.

don't ever touch me again.

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 28 July :: 8.03 am
:: Mood: . miserable .
:: Music: . death cab for cutie . photobooth .

. and as the summer's ending
the cool air will rush your hard heart away .

i don't even know what to say.

or why i'm writing in here.

i know it won't help. it never does. there's always a cover-up, a leave-out, a modification. and the more i tell, the more the feelings and thoughts become cheapened. like permiscuous sex... except emotional, not physical. all these mini-confessions, mini-exposures, mini-interactions are eating away at me.

why can't it all just go away?

(eighteen) years and seems like i've just begun
to understand my, my intimate is no one...
(eighteen) years and still speaking in these tongues
such revelations were understood by no one...
i remain alone
. afi . ...but home is nowhere .

i don't even know what to do with myself anymore. it seems every breath brings with it a newfound hatred, another failure, one fewer reason to take the next one.

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 25 July :: 12.24 am
:: Mood: . silently screaming .
:: Music: . afi . this time imperfect .

. asphyxiate on words i would say .

we just talked for a brief few online. you keep encouraging me to call if i need anything. well i need you.

or, at least...
i need to know.

i can't keep going on like this.
i'm going crazy with doubt... to the point of being physically ill.

i don't know whether to try to sleep, call you and confess, or punch a hole through the wall.

why does this have to be so confusing? all i want to know is if you reciprocate. if yes, then i fucking ruined the butterfly-suspense-awesomeness of falling in love. if not, then i've fucking wasted entirely too many hours brooding over why you haven't called, if it's ok to call you...

i think about it all the time. i'm under so much stress at work... and i can't stand the pools anymore. they're driving me to insanity. literally.
how much i've failed in life... what i've amounted to.
i just want it all to end.

all too often, it feels as if it's the only way to calm the storm of obsessions cooking up in my mind.
i hyperventilate.
then i suffocate.

repeat as necessary.

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 18 July :: 11.45 pm
:: Mood: . elated .
:: Music: . the ataris . in this diary .

. oh no, here we go again .

just got off the phone with him.
that's right - instead of going to gravity monday w/ the boys from work, (like i've been meaning to for years) i called ken to confirm his discount, since i'm about to drop $60 at target. ended up talking for... 3 hrs or so.
i haven't talked to someone on the phone for that long in a very long time. like, i've done over an hour w/ marcus a couple dozen times, and i used to that much w/ mark (WAY back in the day), but i haven't talked for more than 20 min on the phone to anyone in a very long time. especially boys that were not my boyfriend. idk if that's ever happened, to be honest.
i am ridiculous.
in a good way this time.

literally, just as soon as i had thought i was just about to the point of "ok, he's not into me, i can focus on his flaws and just make it through the year being his sidekick in sfl and be fine with it", he comes back into the picture.
and i can't help but get sucked back in with his monotone sarcasm/teasing, analysis of mutual friends, and endless chatter.

i just can't get over how great of a guy he is. like, he's totally down to earth and respects/appreciates a lot of the same things i do. like everything from being fiscally liberal (politics) to workaholic to people watching. and it's refreshing. in his own little way, he is amazing.
and tonight made me realize he's a lot more like marcus than i had originally thought. sure, they're both financially independant, and have dark hair. but i mean, he refers to himself as an "eco-friendly conservative" and is also a feminist... marcus is a total feminist, pro-life hippie.

god i love feminists. :)
espeically feminist men.

"hey, i take my babies and women very seriously"


and the only word i can manage is *smile*

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 16 July :: 10.16 am
:: Mood: . heavy-hearted .
:: Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .

. i don't know how much more i can handle .

i don't know what to do with myself anymore. it seems like more and more often, i catch myself thinking "i just want to be home, curled up in bed, crying myself to sleep." at completely inappropriate times, like while guarding at the pool. especially while at guarding at the pool.

and all i want to do is throw myself into work... but i only have 3 hrs today, none tomorrow, and 3 hrs again on monday. it's bizarre: if i'm at home, i wish i were working to be productive, busy, accomplished. i can't seem to make enough money. but when i'm at work, or on break, all i think of is how much i hate where i'm at in life.

and someone please explain to me this tradition of financial freedom from parents once you go to college. it does not make sense. sure, i'm already a year in, and i pay 25% of all the big things i do (trips, school) and spending cash while i'm out in EL, but now they're trying to cut me off completely. i mean, gas money and all. not cool. at all. i make like $4500 a year, if that. and i paid almost that much toward school/books last year. sure, this year will be cheaper, being an res mentor and all, but still... my parents make way more than enough to share with me. especially because i'm the baby and brian and lisa have real jobs now.
ok i'm just sounding selfish and whiny, but i'm trying to figure out the logic of this "norm." and i can't.

stephy was right: i wear my heart on my sleeve. i can't pull the "play it cool" thing, and i hate when people go to extremes to do it.

i hate where i'm at.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.

i just want to tell you. to reaffirm the fact that you don't feel the same way, and no one ever will because i'm an overweight, disgusting, insecure, obsessive moron that is incapable of keeping friendships because no one wants to be around me for more than a few months.
but for some odd reason, i want you to know. i doubt you need the confidence boost, but i just want to tell you.
ugh, i'm so ridiculous.
i'm a total mess.

i don't even know how i'd tell you.
i try to drop hints. no i don't. i don't know.
but you were supposed to call me some night you were free after work and willing to stay up later than you normally do on nights before you have to work early... and that was a week and a half ago. and i'm going out of my mind.

it's making me want to hate you.

i can't handle this life anymore.

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 8 July :: 10.53 am
:: Mood: . undecided .
:: Music: . frou frou . let go .

. subject goes here .

ok ok ok. i know it's super-stereotypical, but i finally read the perks of being a wallflower, and it was amazing. i was kind of annoyed by it toward the end, but i was surprised at how much i could relate to charlie as the book unfolded. obviously, i'm no super-awkward constantly-harassed completely-friend-less person, but it really hit home. and made me realize how much of a passive aggressive person i am.

which is scary.

and lately... i've been perfecting the artform of biting my tongue. sure, i did it all last year with people i met at state, but eventually, i stopped talking to marcus about things too. now, it seems i can't talk to anyone about anything. like i spent about 15 minutes talking to my sister on the phone last night (because they unexpectedly decided to close the pools to repaint, which left me with a few days off when i was looking forward to throwing myself into work) and even though i didn't really get into anything involving me (just my relationships with those 3 silly boys), it was the most i've told anyone in months. seriously.

it breaks my heart, too. because i constantly want to talk, but when it comes down to it, i know my stupid insecurities are not worth someone's time. especially someone like ken. he kinda pushed me to talk to him online a couple nights ago.. and i gave him a few generalizations and called it quits. i keep thinking that if we were in person, i would open up. but i know it's not true. the dangerous combination of my boy-issues and my self-issues would totally drive him away.
it seems the only person i have ever been able to talk to about myself is marcus (a little). and, occasionally, on here. which doesn't count.

why am i socially inept?

ken asked me to explain that. of course, i gave him some generalization like "i screw up everything." i thought it was pretty self-explanatory: i am a social retard. and i never have any idea what to do about it. i try to do the things that i feel i should (things that, looking back, i'd be disappointed if i didn't), but a lot of times, it's just not as good as i had expected. i'm too awkward to have fun. and not like "hey- look at me, i can't even form a full sentence." it's like "hey- i can't keep friendships or get attached to anyone but boyfriends, and no one seems to miss me when i'm not around... so what the hell is wrong with me?"

if you haven't noticed, i live with a lot of guilt/regret.

a hell of a lot of it.

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 1 July :: 10.02 pm

i was a big girl today. spent a good 3 hours down at the health dept, all by myself. no one knows. that's the first time i've ever done any health/appt thing on my own, aside from driving myself to like 2 dentist appts and meeting my mom there.

it made me feel so dirty.

and it's all his fault.

this is the moment that you know
that you told him that you loved him
but you don't...
so when you ask "is something wrong?"
you're damned right there is
but we can't talk about it now
so one last touch and then we'll go
we'll pretend that it had something so much more
but it was vile
and it was cheap
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
. death cab for cutie . tiny vessels .

i wish i could sum up that song into one word... just the sound of it, the feel of it... it's so regretful and final and detached and emotionless... driving around to all of my old get-away spots a few nights ago felt so good.. i can't put it into words. it just felt very calming, supporting. i wanted it to never end.

i went over to his house last weekend... for the first time since. all of the guys went to grab dinner. we were supposed to hang out in east town. instead, we sat on the scruffy loveseat on the porch, smoking.
he brought it up, not me.
he said he doesn't normally do that kind of thing (lie), and it happened because of the beer and me (lie)... but he didn't comment on the love professions and marriage proposals... he did catch on to my feelings of awkwardness.
the fact that i wanted to avoid him and the whole situation. he felt bad, thought i was mad at him all week.
so maybe i was. maybe i was mad at sex. the entire sexual section of the human being. the disgusting, revolting, dirty lust. caving in.
i tried to explain. he took the "well, i know.. but we can't take it back."
and i couldn't take it.
i left.

i could listen to that damned song for the rest of my life.

and it would still evoke that same overwhelming feeling of hopeless detachment.

the sensation of my heart sinking lower into my chest.

but what about ken?

i can't stop thinking about him... and how badly i just want to call him.. and curl up with him and watch some law and order. :)
but when we're together.. it's a little different.
i rethink every word, every action from when we're together. i scrutinize it. and rescrutinize it.
i don't think i say/act the way i really feel. i think up all these amazing things to say and do.. but it never happens when we're actually together.

god, i wish i could just come out and say it. and if he's interested, sweet. no more guessing. and i can go on my first real date.
if he's not, fine. my mind will be at ease. i'll fill my hours of lifeguarding considering other thoughts.

i just don't know what to do. i don't want to give up too early, i don't want to come on too strong, i don't want to make this year awkward....
mom and lisa fuel it by always bringing him up, too. but they keep reminding me that i should just let it take its natural course. the "he's not going anywhere" so "take your time" thought process. emily doesn't understand the concept of patience. i either want the assurance to continue or quit wasting my time pretending someone on this earth would want me.
we've already established that i'm not good enough for him... but beyond the ugly/fat/stupid things, i think i'm too bad for him. i mean, i know nothing of his sex life, but it seems like he's pretty chill, rarely drinks, has never smoked or anything like that. and then there's me. every time i point out that his sister and i are exceedingly similar (when i was a couple years younger and a lot more rebellious), he says "don't tell me that". well i can't help who i was.. but i can change who i am.
like i even know who that is anyways.

i just want peace of mind.
is that too much to ask?

for once in my life, i just want to be content. with myself, my past/present/future, my social life, my family....
is that too much to ask?

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 23 June :: 8.02 am
:: Mood: . thoroughly confused .
:: Music: . my chemical romance . thank you for the venom .

. dude, what is my problem?

marcus finally came over last night. he's been cooped up in his house for more than 2 wks because of breaking his ankle/surgery. poor kid. but he got to ride in my beautiful new escape. fully loaded. 2003 w/ only 2200 miles on it. it's ok to be jealous.
anyways - i was shocked he took me up on my offer for a movie night. this is the kid who refuses to help me in any way or talk in general because he thinks it will help him deal with me... 9 months after the breakup. but i'm glad he did. this injury has given me an excuse to keep checking up on him and his mental sanity.

and i've been thinking.

i'm super-disappointed in myself. like, marcus made me ask my parents to go see a counselor again... but it's like, i'm not doing any of the bad things i used to. i mean, not even the typical teenager bad things. i rarely drink or smoke or do any of that stuff. as soon as i told my mom, she instantly inquired about any self-destructive habits. i mean, unless you consider negative self-talk, hating yourself, or skipping a couple meals, i'm totally clean. i doubt she believed me, though.
but that was almost 2 wks ago. and i haven't called this office to talk to someone about scheduling an appt. i just can't bring myself to do it. it's not like "hi, i think i have depression," or "hi, i'm hearing voices." it's like "hi, i have low self-esteem." haha. a little awkward. and silly. and totally middle-school. either way, it's not worthy of paying money to talk to someone.

oh, you missed out on the lucass extravaganza. i'll spare you details, but we actually had a chance to chat a few nights ago because everyone left early (like 1130 creepy-early). sure, he was drunk, like always, but what he said keeps sticking in my mind. like, i know we've always had a little thing... but for him to tell me that he wished i didn't have to go back to lansing in the fall... and that whenever i get out of school (mmm 7-9 years from now), to come find and marry him... and that every time he sees me, he's dying just trying to restrain himself from kissing me...
it was nice at the time. i mean, who can resist being called beautiful? and being told that someone loves you?
but now, looking back, i can't bring myself to respond to his im's or his phone calls. i don't know what it is, but something he said just triggered something inside of me, and now i can't bring myself to want to go over there anymore. maybe it was the marriage proposal...


and how do i get it across to him... when i can't even muster the courage to ask him to hang out non-business now that we're out of the dorms?

doubt is the worst thought process ever invented.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 20 June :: 7.21 pm
:: Mood: . worn out .
:: Music: . silence .

. nothing ever goes according to plan .

ok, so sure i'm working at yankee, training for the pools, babysitting, helping out around the house, commuting to class at state 3x/wk, etc... but i feel like i never get anything done. i mean, i still haven't posted my italy pictures online.. we got home almost a month ago. and i haven't read more than 5 books this summer. and i've only seen about 1/2 the people i want to (but that will change once i'm in town 7 nights a week instead of 4). i'm just always so exhausted. and overwhelmed. but geez, this is supposed to be summer- the calm before the storm, my break from madison and the mentoring that fall will bring... not so. my life is always crazy, i'm realizing. and i kind of hate it.

hey, child, please stay a while
my smile will not mislead you
cause i've been without
i go wild with doubt ...
still there's something in you that i believe in
. third eye blind . good for you .

i totally hate this. i want to say something to him, but we have to work closely for the next year, at least, because he's pres and i'm vp of a student org at state. my mom and sister keep saying "oh, just wait and see how things go. you can always say something later" but that's impossible for me. i'm too impatient. if he's not into me, then i need to keep rowing. there are other fish in the sea.
but he's a good catch.
especially in a he'd-be-good-for-me kind of way.
as cheesy as it sounds, he's such a genuine/gentleman/wholesome kinda guy. he's entirely too good for me.

the world is a drought when out of love
please come back to us
. incubus . sick sad little world .

speaking of good for me- what about lucass? (him and his friends are so bad for me haha) now that he's got his own place and a cell (finally), we've been talking just about every day and hanging out most nights i'm in gr. it's awkward in a comfy sort of way - i always feel like we're a heartbeat away from being something... yet not at all. it's hard to explain. especially because it's been this way for years...

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 6 May :: 1.20 am

i have never felt this awful in my life.

and it's not even like "oh, boo hoo. my life sucks tonight."

this is like... long term

like the end of me long term kind of deal.

like the realization that my plans (not even dreams) are here

and i'm down here

and nothing i do can ever change it

let's just face the god-awful truth: i am the scum of the earth. my fat/lazy cat has more going for her than i do.

i can't win
i cannot win

i cant even come in second-to-last

i'm the crippled horse that was in the lead, then suddenly realized it was running against non-cripped horses, and kept going, thinking it had a chance.
slowly, the others began to gain on it, and just as it was losing ground with the last one.. its legs collapsed underneath it and it died within 5 feet of the finish line.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 5 May :: 7.17 pm
:: Mood: . frustrated .
:: Music: . no doubt . dark blue .

. dipas, this is the second time you have let me down this week
i don't think we can be friends anymore .

the humor in that, by the way, is that dipas is my prof. well, a nickname for him at least. i hate profs who say they'll have a paper back on a certain day... then don't... and say 2 days later for sure... and then no email about it. GRRRR
so now i'm stuck because i need to be studying for my last (and, by far, hardest exam tomorrow) but i can't because he didn't tell me about my paper (which directly affects how/what i study), and my most reliable helper in that class is out to eat with our friends... for the past 2 hours. *screams while pulling out hair*

but at 9 i'm getting dinna with my love, richelle. then it's watching the oc that i taped. :) i love her. i cannot wait. but my studying will definitely not be done until the wee hours of the morning... grr again!

i seriously hate myself on days like these... gorgeous, free days like these. ones that make me want to cruise grand haven with friends. and then i remember i'm fat, ugly, and never do anything w/ anyone during the day. because i'm one of those ppl that you love to get calls from and party with, but never think of to call to just hang out or go shopping with.
blah. i hope gorgeous girls feel this bad about themselves at least occasionally. that would mean that there is at least *some* justice in the world.

regardless, there is no justice in the world.

and i'm so sick of marcus... and it's only my second day back in good ole GR. what am i going to do with that kid in italy for 12-fricken-days?!
i guess it just goes to show that we really aren't meant to be together.
which makes me feel a lot better about pursuing a certain someone...

ps my hair is red.
and by red i mean 90% of it is an awesome shade of chocolate-cherry... and my roots are neon pinkish-purplish-red. because i forget that my natural hair color is significantly lighter than my typical hair color. italy pictures will be some to remember - hahaha (departure in T minus 54 hours)
i need to stop my addiction to home-dying.

1 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 1 May :: 8.44 pm
:: Mood: . angry .
:: Music: . incubus . sick, sad world .

. well maybe if you'd fucking taken apart your computer so we could take down the loft, you wouldn't be missing your fucking power cord now .

i cannot wait to be home.
just the fact of not having to live with moronic teenage girls makes me itch for gr. and my parents' house secluded on the end of a deadend road without street lights or city water.. within city limits. across the street from an orchard.
just being away from here sounds ridiculously tempting. i'm hoping marcus's visit tonight will help.
i had a great weekend... well, there were definite good parts. like having a chat over econ w/ kelly.
i think nicole ruins it all. as soon as she came back from her weekend excursion this afternoon, i've been unable to do anything... and kelly's been using my bed to study in.


when sound asleep they'll find you at your most vulnerable...
scream loud, scream sayonara...
don't let them scare you
when you're down on the floor, bleeding bastard
you'll be getting home real soon
and i'll pray for you high health
don't let them scare you
. coheed and cambria . devil in jersey city .

as if i'm not feeling terrible enough.
school is driving me nuts. and it's not even jmc this time.. just the fact that i have put in twice the time and effort this semester.. for worse grades. i haven't even gone out w/ the girls in like a month... i've turned into a total hermit, spending my life between the library and the study lounge. i mean, what the hell? what am i doing wrong??

i feel like i've been asking that question a lot lately...
and no one ever answers me.

i don't even know what to do with myself.
i'm so upset with nowhere to go...

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 28 April :: 10.53 pm
:: Mood: . frustrated .
:: Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .

. keep biting that tongue .

wow i love this song.
so much so, that it's been played a full 100 times more than any other song on my computer...
i know, i have an addictive personality

"just scream out loud - i gave more"

lately i've been learning the artform of keeping quiet.
sometimes it works.
but mostly, it just drives me nuts.

"in time i'll know enough to know better"

i am a big fool for ever thinking there was ever any chance with you. and now, i have to endure an entire year of working closely, getting to know all those little intimate details about you. drooling over every perfect part of you... yet knowing there will never be a chance.
and it kills me.

"just breathe"

in so many ways, i want to keep hoping...

"make your choice now, but don't let this fade"

slap in the face. i just spent the past 40 minutes assuring you that you're doing a good job with the group, and she's just playing mind tricks with you. the entire time i was wondering "why doesn't he suggest we get together to talk?" because you were talking to her. and she confessed she's got the biggest crush on you.. just like everyone else in the group and on the face of the earth, apparently...

"but i'll keep holding on. i'll keep breathing. it shows that i can"

and i just got done making a big present for her... because i'm that nice. and comforting you... because i'm that nice.

"don't have the words to say to you"

*heart breaks*

go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 27 April :: 8.18 pm
:: Mood: . in the middle .
:: Music: . 19 wheels . i want you here .

. everything's winding down... kind of .

tomorrow is the last day of classes for this semester. bout fricken time! but at the same time, i'm so not ready for my finals in 2 of my classes. it least i only have one a day, and it goes easy-hard-easy-(day off)-hard. i'm actually moving home next wednesday, and just driving back out to state for my friday exam. then saturday night i managed to sneak some floor tickets for the green day/my chemical romance show. kickass. i've been to very few big concerts, and green day was actually my first big one back when they came w/ blink. i've never been on the floor for a big one (well, goo goo dolls- but that was totally different). stoked as hell. marcus and i are going to camp-out all afternoon downtown, so please come visit us in line haha. then the next morning we leave for amsterdam/italy. go ahead, be jealous. :)

i just got out of my passdown dinner with the wonders hall staff. yup, not only am i officially the vp of students for life, but i'm also going to be a mentor (RA at other colleges). next year is going to be even crazier than this one, let me tell you...

i'm just wasting time until i have to dd for my sister and all of her student teacher friends, so i'm going to blabber some more :)

i'm going to focus on other silly, positive things. because i don't need to be thinking about all the bad crap right now.

like coming home
god damn, i can't wait.
i'm going to call up like every person in my phone book as soon as i get back from italy (only the best of the best will get my time next week). well, i mean as soon as i recover from the wisdom teeth.. so not until the end of may. but i'm stoked. i never thought i'd miss high school or the people in it. i couldn't have been more wrong. christmas break was a total blast, and i have good feelings about this summer too. work is making it complicated (if i have a job, that is...) but i don't even care. grand rapids, i fucking love you. i can't wait for coffee downtown, local bands, the beach, rollerblading on the ghetto trails, making my own food, planning my room for next year and all the fun stuff i'm going to do w/ my residents...
i don't think i shared with you all my goal for the summer:
become cultured
:) well, moreso than i am now. i'd say i'm pretty worldly, but i mean, i'm going high class. how, you ask?

become european

haha. just kidding. here's the game plan:
- continue addiction to cnn
- perfect my espresso-drink-making capabilities
- read newspaper/do the crossword daily
- regularly work on my photo skillz
- plant (and maintain!) my own garden
- go to a real yoga class (*not* my dvd!)
- visit museums and admire art
- search for some classical music to use for the background when studying
- tackle my mondo reading list (suggestions always welcome!)
- find some artsy wall dec's for my room
- check out middle-school books about other countries and read up
- make more of my own clothes/accesories (not w/ mommy's help!)
- design/make/paint a bedframe and/or coffee table for next year
- experiment w/ "around the world" vegan cookbooks (thai/indian food yay!)
- attempt to do some drawing/writing...
- brush up on the espanol and work in a little italian, french, thai- whatever
- see a ballet and/or opera (?)
- learn some classy ballroom dancing (swing, salsa, whatever)

also on the to-do list:
- get on a regular schedule of swim laps/run/rollerblade/dance
- clean out all my old clothes/random shit
- work my way to full-time vegan (so hard to give up cheese/chocolate!)
- ace my stats class
- regularly volunteer in preg resource center/head start/soup kitchen (at least until i start workin 40 hrs/wk)
- road trip to state i've never been to (marcus and i are discussing - but that means we'd have to get to kansas (closest state i haven't been to) and back in a weekend bc of class)

so yea. basically turn current emily into kickass emily. good plan, huh?
but we all know i always take on entirely too much shit, and i never have enough time to do any of it, even when i schedule my life down to the second (typically done during lectures :) haha). so we'll see..
in all honesty, if i get some reading, volunteering, photography, and cooking done... i should be all set. those are most important to me.

oh, and i really want a summer fling (no more of this long-term relationship or one night stand bs).. bc i've never really had one. i guess whenever i get into an acceptable shape, i should be hitting up the beach for hotties, right? hahaha

i am the biggest nerd on the face of the earth :)

2 *smile* | go ahead. do it.

:: 2005 24 April :: 3.03 pm
:: Mood: . introverted .
:: Music: . matchbox romance . my eyes burn .

. taking the good with the bad .

shitty weekend. in general. snow doesn't help, especially when i was supposed to get to paint the rock for our little rally thing for sfl. i was stoked.
and the rally went well, aside from the crazy protesters who ended up getting misdemeanors for the same old bs they always pull... there was an awesome band who played, and their guitarist ran up and started flirting w/ me mid-song. :)
i love those sfl kids. the guys are nice and the girls are so kickass. like, i'm always comfortable w/ them. my mentor even showed up, whom i totally adore. and mint mocha frappucino? receives a 9 in my book. needed more of a coffee taste, for sure, though.

but i wanted marcus to leave as soon as he got here friday night. yesterday morning i was counting down till he left. i just.. feel so lazy, so cornered, so leashed up with him. like i cant get anything done, nor can i go out or party.
and i tried to go out last night with the girls. failed because they're all fucking bitches and i seriously hate the way they treat me.
especially because of their late-night drunken antics.

so i was totally bummed out, just sitting online and being a total loser after they left, and nicholas calls me. yes, nicholas-the-love-of-my-life (if he were not gay, that is) who never calls anyone back. totally made my night. then stephy and michelle started talking to me. yay-ness. and ken came down to hang out. we've never hung out outside of sfl, so i thought it was going to be uber-awkward. not at all. he stayed until 530am, just sitting around talking. of course, interrupted several times by the girls, who came back in a few waves, just trashed out of their minds.
there's something about him. i can't put my finger on it. he's so nice, and so easy to open up to. i mean, i feel like he knows more about me after one night than all of the girls combined do, including sarah. craziness. and he talked a lot about his love life and his family. things i never would have expected out of him. i mean, this kid has never been further west than minnesota, but he's studying abroad in israel and bangladesh for his senior year. we joked that i should go to bangladesh when he does, because i had originally wanted to go on that internship program (until i decided that going to 6 continents during undergrad was an important goal, and that thailand > bangladesh). (oh yea - and i calculated today: my 4 study abroads will run me $21,000 plus airfare and some meals - holy crap, huh?)
and he convinced me to swap my racquetball class so that we can be in the same class. that's going to be a total blast. at 8am, apparently (yuck).
but i'm excited to be vp under him, well as of yesterday. i know - me be excited about being #2? craziness.

sometimes, i feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
and i can't help but ask myself how much i let the fear
take the wheel and steer
it's driven me before...
but lately i am beginning to find that
i should be the one behind the wheel
. incubus . drive .

and as much as i tried to avoid it, the marcus deal came up when ken and i were talking. every time i talk to someone else about him, i come to realizations. marcus would yell at me for letting others mess with my mind, but in reality, it's just the fact that hearing yourself be honest out loud not only gets things off your chest, it helps you to analyze them. like riding back to state with a family friend on friday. me and her had never really talked directly about stuff because, well, she's my mom's best friend.
but the reactions i get from people about the situation... they all realize instantly that i'm being controlled by a boyfriend that i broken up with 6 months ago.
i mean, this kid didn't want me to hang out w/ one of my best friends from high school when i went home on thursday night. um, his girlfriend just died from a coma from a car accident... and marcus didn't want me to see him (and made me call him as soon as i got home to tell him nothing happened and was pissed that we went to jimmy's house and a party) because we've had something in the past that never quite went anywhere. marcus's going to italy has completely depended upon whether or not i had feelings or hooked up with other guys. he asks me every week if he is still going to italy, because he refuses to if i have done something with anyone or felt any inclinations with any boys. now, obviously, in the past 6 months this has been broken a few times.. but when it does, he gets pissed as hell at me and acts like i cheated on him and blames his choice not to go to italy on me (when he was the one who placed the "no-boy" stipulation)

and this weekend made me realize
that i can never have a relationship with this child ever again.

because he ruined it for the both of us.

go ahead. do it. | Random Journal