2005 19 April :: 6.29 pm
:: Mood: . resentful .
:: Music: . death cab for cutie . tiny vessels .
. spring has the highest suicide rate .
that's always an odd thought - that most people make it through the cold, dark, yucky winter in order to throw in the towel in the rejuvenating spring.
not through my eyes, no.
give me winter over spring any damned day.
spring not only means i've wasted another school year being a failure, but it means i am forced to shed
i get a kick out of being positive and upbeat while everyone else is gloomy and miserable. but once they're happier than me, then it becomes an uphill struggle just to get out of bed in the morning.
the courtyard turns into a beach when the temperature hits 60, i've found out. today was terrible - i didnt leave the building at all until i went to get food next door. i couldn't even walk the 100 ft w/o getting attacked by several frisbees and nearly stepping on one of the 80 million naked girls lying on the grass. i will never understand the obsession with laying out. sure, i like to have color in my skin, and i enjoy the sun/outdoors. but the sweat and the brightness and the inability to sleep and the long hours.. eww.
but i've been miserable lately. with the lack of productivity, high-stress level, and, above all else, the onset of warm weather. i feel as though every cute girl, decked out in her glamorous shades, long shiny hair, tiny vintage tee, and low-slung mini skirt, is personally ripping a strip of my heart out with her god-damned fake nails. ever since the spring rush thing that i convinced myself i was totally okay with, i have been obsessed with everything greek. not kidding. on face book i look up sorority girls all the time, admiring the 400 gorgeous friends they have and the snotty suburb they grew up in and their glamorous party picture. it's so stupid, but i bleed green with envy over it. and when i catch myself, i think "emily, do you really think you would have fit in with them?" and i know the answer. i know it would have only made me more upset... but it's so hard to think about where i could be right now if i had pledged or if i could rush in the fall.
and all i want is to dress the style i want to. because i have good taste, dammit. but i can't because i'm fat and currently my entire body is peeling from that weekend excursion to jacksonville/gainesville florida 2 weeks ago. all i want is to look like them... to have their body, their face...
i am intensely superficial, i've decided. if i could change 3 thing about myself, they would be: weight/body type, skin, inability to reach my goals/standards. well, i would also make myself ethnic of some sort, but that is a little far-fetched.
and the marcus ordeal returns to its pre-fight status: trying desperately not to call him too much or hang out w/ him too much, yet feeling as though he is all i have anymore. he is the only person in the world who understands me. and, to be quite honest, the only one i feel like i can tell anything anymore. i'm incapable of opening up, even when people ask me to (ken). i don't know where the line is of curiosity and annoyance, so i just don't even try.
which means i typically end up unexpectedly breaking down to either my mom or marcus. or my pillow. whenever i get the luxury of no roomie in the room, that is.
my heart aches.
but what/whom for... that is the mystery.
5 *smile* |
go ahead. do it.
2005 20 March :: 1.22 pm
:: Mood: . thoughtful .
:: Music: . marcus mix .
. bad news, bad news .
yea, that title seems more depressing in text. when sarah says it, it's humorous. like scandalousness is unavoidable.
today i have this odd calming feeling. like i figured something out, but if i have, i don't know it yet. i know- makes no sense at all. the bad news is that i keep thinking that i want marcus back.. maybe after "living" for a few months, i can handle having him as my one and only.
i doubt it's an option with what's been going on (you all missed out on the spring break drama - let's just say marcus and i are supposedly not talking).
i don't know, kiddos. i miss him. and i love him. and i'm uncertain if i like the way my life has been unfolding as of late. i keep thinking that i should really experience other guys, and i feel drawn to other guys... but i always think of marcus. so am i just searching for a rebound, or am i really ready for an entire lifetime without marcus?
i wish i could call him and beg for him to come out here like i used to. he'd pick me up outside the library and we'd cruise around campus listening to coheed. we'd go get hummus from woody's and sit on the couch watching comedy central. then climb up into bed at a ridiculously early hour and fall asleep curled up together, with my carebear in between us, of course.
more later - back to studying
go ahead. do it.
2005 18 March :: 6.59 pm
:: Mood: . uber-depressed .
:: Music: . alkaline trio . bloodied up .
. i shouldn't be wasting my time on this .
but i guess i've had a horrible day and i couldn't be more disappionted in myself, so what the hell. gives me something to do before i head back up to my room and start throwing em back with my roomie/suitemate...
I am worth $1,667,050.00 on HumanForSale.com
is that good? bad? i'm sorry i don't know my iq or have a "face the jury" profile. lol. must make me a failure at life, huh?
oh wow.. i found a "rate yourself" quiz on bzoink (haven't been to that site in forever)... had every intention to do it.. until i realized that it was purely physical features. and, well, i don't think i can handle any more pointing-out-of-my-flaws.
today's been rough, i'm not going to lie.
and i have lost my motivation to discuss.
4 *smile* |
go ahead. do it.
2005 2 March :: 10.14 am
:: Mood: . antsy .
:: Music: . marilyn manson . personal jesus (cover) .
. a grain of salt with my celebration cake .
first off, i would like to say that i'm sick of studying for my midterm that's in an hour.. and i refuse to continue it. but i'm bored and sick of waiting, so i thought i'd fill you kiddos in on some scoop.
emily got herself a resident mentor (aka resident assistant for all you non-spartans) position for next year. what, what. totally did not expect that. it's in the building next to mine, which was a my second choice, but hey- free room and board is always welcome. plus i love the complex director over there - great guy. super-excited. cannot wait. new building, new friends.. plus a few of my cheerleading girls from high school are living there.. along with my will-be-freshman cousin. oh man, i am going to terrorize him :) or maybe just have a few toasts ;)
now that you know the good news, here's the kicker- danielle also got a rm spot in the same hall... i'm cool with her now (probably because of distance), but it really makes me wonder what things are going to be like. we don't know what floors we'll be on, but if we're on the same sub-staff, we are going to be spending a hell of a lot of time together... so the question is, will we resort to last year's super-fierce competition.. or act like it never happened? i'd like to think that my attitude will be the decisive factor. in which case, i think i just might have to try out this whole being-mature thing. :)
analysis of this amazing opportunity: this means no more pledging in the fall. and if i'm offered that paralegal position, i won't be able to take it (i'll find out pretty soon). kinda bummed about both, but this is not only going to be fun as hell (and get me to meet a shitload of new people since all of my friends are moving away anyways), but i'm cutting my school costs in half. which means, by domino effect, i can go on spring breaks, study abroads, and do my internship abroad without having to worry about it so much. plus, saving for law school is something i really need to consider. just realized it's going to cost me $100,000 if i go in-state. (the joint master of social work and law degree over at u of m is looking mighty tempting). eek! for someone like me who refuses to take out loans, it should be interesting. gonna work my butt off this summer!
- more in-depth thought about this mentorship thingy later after i process it -
spring breaks and study abroads... might as well discuss those as well, huh? this year i'm going with alternative spring break to san fran. next year, i want a *party* break where it's legal to drink (cruise?). i deserve it ;). next summer i will be heading over to thailand and laos for a jmc study abroad (total kickass- i'm going to fly to india, hong kong, and tokyo as long as halfway around the world!). hopefully spending 2006-2007 as a mentor again, heading to jamaica or belize with asb for spring break, spending the summer on an internship to a spanish-speaking country (2 birds with one stone- jmc's field experience requirement and spanish's study abroad requirement) hopefully in south america (because then i will have hit every continent except antarctica and africa). my last year, moving out into a house for some good clean fun! hopefullly i can get an internship with my state rep because he absolutely rocks my world (down-to-earth pro-life democrat) while taking easy/fun classes, and then head off on another asb trip to puerto rico. spend the summer between senior year and law school *working my butt off!*
wow, it's a wonderful life. the best part: as excited as i am for it, i by no means want to "cut to the chase" and be where i'm going to end up: adoption/family law lawyer, savin' some babies, helping out some women who need it, and hanging out with little kids. rock my socks off. i am the epitome of nerdy :)
so, yea. that's my education in a nutshell. don't ask me why i just gushed all of that to you. it's probably because we had our major-meetings last week for jmc and i am a super-big nerd because i love people and i want to do anything i can to help them.
on that note, bob barker is calling my name..
and i'm still pissed that i'm missing the hot hot heat show in GR on friday for a stupid hockey game here in EL. marcus, you suck.
makes me wanna bust out "talk to me, dance with me" *tear*
but- i shall be jetting off to san francisco in exactly 2 days, 19 hours, 16 minutes. a week with sun, sea, *city*, and aids. not to mention 24 other strangers. kick ass. i know you're jealous :) :) i'll send you a postcard if you ask nicely.
enjoy the snow because i'll be missing it!
go ahead. do it.
2005 28 February :: 2.00 pm
:: Mood: . irritated .
:: Music: . afi . but home is nowhere .
. ugh .
wow. talk about feeling like shit. i stayed up late last night watching stupid movie on vh1. now my belly is killing me, and i'm super-tired. way to go, emily, way to go. i feel like a total mess - at least my hair/makeup are respectable.
why is it that every time i have shit that must be done now, i am constantly reminded of how terrible of a person i am, how much of a failure at life i really am?
seriously... time is a wastin' and all i can think of is my worthlessness... and how badly i want to just curl up in bed and watch movies that give me warm fuzzy feelings without making me want an uber-romantic guy. like finding nemo. that'd be a good pick-me-up right about now...
p.s. i could KILL my roomie. turn your fucking horrible music off, would ya? i very rarely force you to listen to mine, and it's only when you come back to the room while i have it playing. otherwise, i headphone it up, and you should do the same. oh, and quit trying so hard. you drive me nuts. eat something, stop smoking, and quit dying/cutting your hair. you're not cool, no matter how emo you pretend to be. it's obvious it's all just for attention. cut it out, killer.
anyways... i'm getting the hell out of this room, as badly as i want to stay here... getting away from her and her terrible phantom of the opera shit. i'll catch you later.
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it.
2005 27 February :: 11.05 pm
:: Mood: . fed up .
:: Music: . the killers . mr. brightside .
. well kiddos, if it's not up, it's down. if i'm not here, i'm there .
and no, i don't know exactly what that was supposed to mean.
i went home over the weekend. was supposed to get a ride back with stephy (childhood friend) friday afternoon so she could spend the night partying it up with me. of course, that fell through and i stayed in grand rapids until saturday afternoon. spent entirely too much time with marcus and sleeping on the couch. i mean, seriously - i go home, where i can sleep in my own bed, hang out in my own room, eat good food, and visit friends. the only of those i actually took advantage of was eat good food. i guess i also utilized an automobile a bit too. ran some errands. made a kickass purse for traveling (it has perfectly-fitted pockets for my cell phone, NEW digital camera, and chapstick, plus it's big enough to carry my SLR camera in the main part.) i rule.
i did spend some quality time with my mom, which rocked. i love her - i wish i can grow up to be like her. and that is so empowering to say.
- i'm cutting out fabric, she's setting up the sewing machine -
me: ugh! i am incapable of cutting a straight line, even if my life depended on it. i hope when i'm old i can be a super-mom like you and be awesome at all this stuff.
mom: you are. you're just too hard on yourself. i was like that when i was your age too. (*revelation to emily*) as you get older, you realize that nothing is perfect, and even if it is now, it won't be in a few minutes.
me: i don't think i'll ever learn that lesson.
yay for mothers who rock my world.
but in the grand scheme of things, being at home was a worthless waste of life, like it usually is. it's too much work to socialize in gr compared with dorm life. i mean, here in east lansing, i have 40,000 students within a few square miles. in fact, there are 5,000 that live in south complex alone (4 buildings). in grand rapids, none of my friends live within 5 minutes of driving. yuck.
speaking of east lansing.
i came back saturday with marcus to a homecoming of exactly what's been getting on my nerves as of late: my friends ignoring me. or, should i say, the people i consider to be my friends. i'm not going to lie: most of them drive me nuts. or, rather, all but one of them drive me nuts because of the way they act/talk around me. i might as well not even be alive, except for when they help themselves to my super nintendo or alcohol. hey, just because we have an alcohol fridge and like to have people over for super nintendo wednesdays does not mean i want you hanging around, ignoring me every single night of the week. grr.
plus they're all like "oo, i'm so emo." ok - enjoy being stereotypical. i'll enjoy being one of those unclassifiable freaks that combines traits of every scene. good for balance, bad for assimilation.
and they'll all be gone next year.
makes me wonder why i even try.
midterm and paper this week. i hate miderms in james madison college. too much preparation for my liking. stupid blue book exams make me want to swallow a bullet.
(haha-i was going to be cool and name a specific kind, but then i realized that i don't know of any. and you know what? i like it that way. keep your filthy death machines out of my life)
on a more positive note, after the upcoming hell-of-a-week, i will be jetting off to san francisco for spring break (thank god) with MSU alternative spring break. which means i'll be chilling with AIDS and poor people during the day, and spending evenings in the castro district in gay clubs. cause that sounds like immense fun :) especiallly if i can find a way to consume alcohol - i.e. make buddies with a 21+ on the trip ;) i'm a terrible person.
we had our last meeting for it tonight. everyone was actually there, surprisingly. there is this one man-child... i have met him one other time. sarah knows him through the newspaper... something about him is super-intense. even without his color contacts... and i can't put my finger on it...
i am a horrible person and a waste of oxygen. please, feel free to horde it away from me so that i may shrivel up and die like i deserve...
go ahead. do it.
2005 9 February :: 11.43 pm
:: Mood: . semi-sane (short-term, i assure you) .
:: Music: . splender . i think god can explain .
. ash wednesday was the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time .
god and i are becoming boys again. and not in a jesus-freak-ish sort of way, although he was a good guy too. like, in a "god, i really need you to help me be a better, stronger person." and bit by bit, man, he delivers.
i'm really glad i ended up going to get ashes (so what if it was at 9pm?). seeing everyone w/ them at rush made me feel super guilty that i skipped it to sleep off this depression (ineffective, i might add).
oh yea, PS- i'm rushing sororities. hilarious? i think so. i'm such a weirdo. complete smorgasboard of a person. bid day is friday. i'll let you know how it turns out :)
we don't have to be miserable...
i want you, i need you
i can't live without you
so baby don't move at all
cause you're about to break my fall
stay where you are, staring at the stars
don't ever move at all
. butch walker . don't move .
if i could sing one song for marcus, that would most definitely be it. this kid is amazing beyond belief. he has single-handedly pulled me out of the lowest depths time after time... and i'm beginning to think that he's kind of like god's answer to my prayers. uber-cheesy, i know :)
i just wish i could feel the same type of love i did 2 years ago when i idolized him (minus the pillar candles and bowing). it kills me to break his heart every time i see him, yet i cannot live without this child in my life. he is my strength, my confidant, and the best friend i could ever ask for. i love him.
just scream out loud- i gave more
hardly breathing on my own
i dont have the words to say to you
but i'll keep holding on- i'll keep breathing
it shows that i can...
in time i'll know enough to know better
. the december drive . this side you've never seen .
i fucking love that song. it will never get old. it is by far the most played song on my itunes list... even with it's 6 minute duration. it's the epitome of emo, and the story of my life. sometime, somewhere, somehow... i will know better. and i will be better.
but until then, the search continues...
stay tuned, kiddos. it can only get more interesting...
1 *smile* |
go ahead. do it.
2005 1 February :: 1.14 am
:: Mood: . grasping at straws .
:: Music: . green day . boulevard of broken dreams .
. "my god, my tourniquet, return to me salvation" .
. evanescence . tourniquet .
i'm really erroding with all of this inefficiency. ever since i got to state back in august, i have slowly corroded my hard work ethic. it's one of those "i'll clean the bathroom tomorrow" or "i'll put away my clothes after my nap" things... and nothing ever gets done. it's so out of control, that even after a few hours of good solid work, i feel even more behind than when i began. and i am very far behind.
i'm getting pretty desperate, here. i feel so out of control. i feel as if every day i get closer and closer to a major break down, where everything that has been teetering on the edge for so long will just collapse and self-destruct.
and then i remember that i cannot have this happen. i have too much to do and too little support. ok ok ok, so my parents finally caved to support my plan to pledge a sorority next week (crazy, i know), but i just don't have the support system i need. i seriously feel like if i could have 2 solid hardcore productive days all to myself (one to sleep and work out and clean, one to read and reorganize myself) i would be completely set. unfortunately, i find myself planning out each night down to the minute during lecture. of course, that perfect plan never gets followed because i am a failure at life.
not only this, but i feel more and more uneasy with god. the past 2 sundays i promised myself i would go to church, and i failed to both times. i tried to pray today, but it just didn't sustain me the way i needed it to. in this world of i-can-talk-to-no-one, i need him to be there.
dad, your girl's about to fall
she walks a razor's edge
she's on the brink of fading out
she's at her bitter end...
in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells
. the juliana theory . into the dark .
well i couldn't tell you why she felt that way
she felt it every day...
what's wrong, what's wrong now?
too many, too many problems
tell her where she belongs, where she belongs
she wants to go home, but nobody's home
that's where she lies, broken inside
no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes, broken inside
. avril lavigne . nobody's home .
i dont even know anymore, kiddos. life has been quite good for a while, and it's still not to the terrible stage yet.
but i cannot seem to reconcile my expectations/plans with my actions/reality.
go ahead. do it.
2005 19 January :: 6.32 pm
:: Mood: . frustrated .
:: Music: . incubus . pardon me .
yea kiddos... marcus found this journal and all of the scandalous boy escapades i shared in it. that was last week.
i dont think i can be nearly as candid anymore. about anything.
i dont know if ill use you again...
go ahead. do it.
2005 12 January :: 6.00 pm
:: Mood: . chilled out .
:: Music: . tony rich project . when can i see you again .
. more boy banter .
so i will keep the scandalous kiss-and-tell to a minimum... maybe. :)
lucass = the love of my life. (although he does share the title with an anonymous male that i will discuss at the conclusion of this entry.)
we finally hung out again last week friday - i ditched some of my girl friends (and random people) while we were hanging out at morningstar (kickass coffee, btw). got drunk at jimmy's. that's another amusing thing - that was definitely the only time i've been to jimmy's without getting baked out of my mind. jimmy without weed is like a desert without sand. bizarre.
anyways - that was a crazy night. definitely made out with everyone there (minus jimmy). including amy. check off "make out with guy with hair longer than me." hah. i'm such a lip slut. speaking of which, lucass had a mustache. wtf? lol. it needed to go. badly.
ok ok ok - i'll get to the best part of the night: lucass being the love of my life. he's definitely a big slacker and way laid back, to say the least. mid-makeout, he pulls away and says "emily, i missed you." "i've missed you too." "you need to come find me when you're done out there at msu." *key cheesy romantic music*
and all i can say is *smile*...
talked to him again tonight, online cause he hates phones.
me: i just ran over to pick something off the printer and saw the picture of us from hmh junior year. you're definitely the only person other than marcus and my family that i have pictures up of out here.
him: the dance you took me to? haha. that was a hot date. mostly because of you. good times with my bald head. i'm touched.
me: the girls are always like "who is that?" lol
him: who is that freak. and you answer the greatest man i know?
me: the love of my life
him: well eventually
me: although you did share that title with *name omitted* for a brief time
him: i'll fight to the death for that title
so the last month has been the best one of my entire existence, even with the ever-growing mound of bullshit marcus throws on me.
although, i must admit: i did get my heart broken on saturday.
let's just say a guy i adore definitely came out to me while i was trying to pounce on him. shocked. why? why? why? why? he was seriously... like if he asked me to marry him today, i would say yes without even thinking twice. he is the fricken love of my life... and to make matters worse, we were drunk when he confessed his love of men, and i left him a message the next day for him to call me when he had time to talk about it... hasn't called yet. that was 4 days ago. *tear*
on that note, i think i'm going to go listen to r&b love songs while i clean up the crap from our welcome home party.
go ahead. do it.
2004 30 December :: 3.29 am
:: Mood: . scandalous .
:: Music: . lenny kravitz . lady .
. shh - dirty little secret .
i never thought being bad would be so good. even that sneaky drunken/high escapade with larry wasn't this fun (well, i guess i can't compare something i don't remember).
so i randomly called alters tonight - went to margarita grill (club) with her and jamie. remember, i am fat, don't really own anything ridiculously cute that i would feel comfy dancing all night in, and i've only been clubbing twice. it was crowded with cute girls and craploads of people i know, but not well enough (or too long ago) for me to strike up a conversation with. plus, i'm sweaty, gum-less, and tired.
this guy comes up to me and tells me his birthday yadda yadda yadda...
we dance for a while. and talk. nice guy. whatever.
let's just say that i went home with this guy to his ridiculously nice apartment (in one of the old victorian homes in downtown!) and .... i'll spare you the details.
best part? not only is he from chicago, 24 (as of midnight), and in grad school at gvsu, he's also palestinian. first generation. wohoo! check the "get with a middle eastern guy cause they're hot" off my list of things to do before i throw in the towel. abdallah. what a killer name. i like it :)
anyways.. it is now 340am and i have to be up by 615 to babysit, then pick up my stuff from the girls i rode with last night, then work a 6 hour shift, and hopefully head out for another night of awesomeness.
you know how they say you learn something new every day?
yesterday = beaners coffee cups stack perfectly with the lids on.
today = spontaneity IS FRICKIN AWESOME!
i have never been so proud of myself for not only living life, but knowing how to keep it within boundaries too. :)
UPDATE: the next night, i went home with a guy who also works in the mall after he hit on me for like 5 minutes after my shift was over. check off "make out with a guy who has a tongue ring". best part: he is an exact replica of the "o-face" guy in office space. definitely will never return his calls, but he was good for a couple drinks and laughs later. :)
go ahead. do it.
2004 12 December :: 11.50 am
:: Mood: . pissed . (pronouced pest)
:: Music: . papa roach . walking thru barbed wire .
i would just like to state the fact that i FUCKING HATE people. namely, stupid girls who get all pissy from my meaningless side banter. find some fucking patience or a sense of humor or die.
seriously. i wish i could slit her throat for being so ridiculous.
go ahead an pout in your pissy "i'm so fucking emo" way. i hope you die, bitch.
2 *smile* |
go ahead. do it.
2004 11 December :: 11.28 pm
:: Mood: . procrastinating .
:: Music: . brand new . sic transit gloria (glory fades) .
. yea so i should be tackling the bitch of EC 251H.. but i'm not. so i'm going to waste more time :) .
i stole this survey off some hot guy that lives in 2 south that i stalked on facebook. hah. facebook is hilarious...
Have you ever...
[x] kissed a member of the opposite sex.
[x] rode in a taxi.
[x] been dumped.
[ ] been fired. (i'm just too spectacular of an employee)
[ ] been in a fist fight.
[x] had a threesome - kissing or otherwise
[x] snuck out of your parent's house.
[ ] been arrested.
[x] made out with a stranger.
[ ] stole something from your job .
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[ ] went on a blind date .
[x] lied to a friend.
[x] had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.
[x] been to europe.
[x] skipped school.
[x] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling
[x] played 'clue'
[x] had a sleepover party.
[x] went ice skating.
[x] cheated on a bf/gf.
[x] been cheated on. (well, i have good reason to beleive...)
[x] had a sweet sixteen.
[x] had a car.
[ ] have a bf.
[ ] have a gf.
[x] have a crush.
[x] feel loved.
[x] feel lonely.
[x] feel happy.
[x] hate yourself.
[ ] think you are attractive.
[ ] have a dog.
[x] have your own room.(at home)
[x] listen to rap. (sometimes)
[x] listen to rock.
[ ] listen to soul.
[x] listen to techno.
[x] listen to reggae.
[x] paint your nails.
[x] have more than 1 best friend.
[x] play an instrument.
[ ] have slippers.
[ ] wear boxers.
[x] wear black eyeliner.
[x] like the color blue.
[x] like the color yellow.
[ ] cyber.
[x] like to read.
[x] like to write.
[ ] have long hair.
[x] have short hair.
[x] have a cell phone.
[x] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.
[ ] pretty.
[x] bilingual. (i try)
[ ] black.
[ ] mexican.
[ ] asian.
[ ] tall.
[ ] grounded.
[ ] taken.
[ ] not looking.
[x] talking to someone.
[x] IMing someone.
[x] scared to die.
[ ] annoyed.
[ ] hungry.
[ ] on the phone.
[x] in your room.
[x] drinking something.
[ ] eating something.
[x] in your pjs. (well, pj pants and nice top)
[x] listening to music.
ok. that was overrated. but he wasnt. too bad he was taken. stupid slut.
anyways :) i'll catch you fools later - either in a super-stressed post during finals week or during ultra-boredom of christmas break. can't wait. :)
go ahead. do it.
2004 8 December :: 10.01 am
:: Mood: . school-girl giddy .
:: Music: . nofx . the decline .
. here's an upbeat post :) enjoy, kiddos .
yup. i am the biggest geek ever. ever. it's quite amusing and almost pathetic: boys bring me out of my dark stage. i feel like a little middle school girl passing notes with "the cutest boy on the face of the earth!" except, in reality, even sillier than that.
i have a strong tendancy to get a crush on any guy who talks to me. or, in this case, come home with me after a party, gets blazed in his room, then spends the night on my futon, cuddling and watching ocean's 11 till 5am.
yup, that's right - i finally went out with katherine and lindsey and those girls. i wasn't looking forward to the awkardness of house parties in which i know basically no one. but hey, get a glass of wine and a few non-chased shots in me and i'll be the life of the party anywhere. it was craziness. and i loved it :) (even waking up drunk to go home and work a 5-hour shift the next morning)
so this boy. larry. don't know anything about him. it's kinda funny...
anywho. i'm stilly giddy from talking to him last night, plus add on bryant-ness.
hah. bryant. let's just say there is no person more opposite than me, but yet we still have a lot in common. it's bizarre. but yea - i don't think i've talked about him before. quick recap: he worked at the pools this summer. ghetto-est person alive. from st. louis (spent the summer "kickin' it with my homeboy" aka visiting his dad). we talked a lot because he wanted me, and this kid is amazing underneath those plaitnum teeth and baggy-ass clothes. we did go see a movie and hung out at a party once, but i always felt really awkward around him because hmm, let's see - he's as ghetto and bad-life-situation as you can get. me? oh yea, the only black guy i've ever spent considerable time with is my uncle. and he's technically latino. let's just say half the time i didnt understand what he was saying. silly me :)
ok, but back to the point. i haven't talked to him since the pools closed because, well, i've been out here and i didn't know where he was. this weekend, i thought about him and i was like "hm, i wonder whatever happened to that kid" but didnt call because i only had his gr number. ironically, the next morning i have an email from his new cell being all like "hey baby girl, hows yer life goin?" etc. cutest thing ever. so i call him. awkward. didnt last long. then, last night, as i'm talking to katherine about larry, he text msgs me. so cute. we do that back and forth for a while, then he gives up and calls me. we talked for like a half hour about where his life is going and how i made him want a better life and etc etc etc. i have never met anyone like him.
hah- example: we were talking about how he missed seeing me and talking to me everyday, being all sweet and non-ghetto. all of a sudden he's like "hold up - HEY BITCHES! GET YA ASS DOWN HERR NIGGAZ. I NEED A FUCKIN CIG!" and that's my non-ghetto translation and shortened version. two different people in one body, i swear.
anyways... i miss that kid. and of course, he's going into the army next month, so i wont even get to talk to him for forever. stupid war.
but those are my boy-stories and the reasoning behind my giddy-ness. i love boys :)
and i love playing the field :)
go ahead. do it.
2004 29 November :: 6.50 pm
:: Mood: .
:: Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .
. "every day is the worst day of my life. that means that every time you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."
- office space (roughly quoted) .
that's right, kiddos. every day gets worse and worse. i feel like such a broken record. maybe this shit needs to turn around.
what the flip? i have never been homesick in my life, even with all of the traveling i did as a kid.
no, this is different.
this is me being invisible. no one knows i exist here. oo, mysterious you say. no. heart-shattering.
i'm decomposing inside. at an alarming rate. first to go was my appearance. second was my scholastic ambition. next up: lung capacity.
i just don't understand this world. what did i ever do that was so horrific to deserve this? all i want is for someone to show even the slightest recognition that i'm bleeding, or at least, breathing. but they won't. why am i unable of living a moderate, content life like the swarms of people who walk this god damned earth? what did i do to erase my happily ever after? i'm i really that worthless and subordinate that i'm incapable of a modest life with modest friends, modest fun, modest success?
i'm very seriously contemplating transferring. or dropping out. but let's be real: who would want to take me in? and what good would it do? i've had this problem since holy spirit... this is my third school since then (fourth if you count those handful of classes at grcc). clearly, it's not the people around me.
therefore, it must be me.
so if i want to eradicate the problem...
be strong, be strong now
too many, too many problems
don't know where she belongs, where she belongs...
her feelings she hides, the truth she can't find
she's losing her mind, she's falling behind
she can't find her place, she's losing her faith
she's fallen from grace, she's all over the place
she wants to go home but nobody's home
that's where she lies broken inside
there's no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes, broken inside
. avril . nobody's home .
will i survive to see the sun rise?
go ahead. do it.