raped by your indignation crossed by your pleasure in my pain take me down from your pedastool I can't help you leave me


friends | profile | guestbook

please let me know what you know I am lost in a world of confusion

recent entries | past entries

:: 2008 4 February :: 11.41 pm

well really nothing new
except I got shoes today.

and in the last three days I have worked 33 accumalitive hours. Thank God I have the next two days off or I might have just thrown a beet can at someone! get it.

I don't really know what I am going to do with my days off this week, which is really wierd cause usually I have all kinds of plans....and usually Kate comes down today but she has strep and I don't want her nasty germs here. !I can't get sick! she might come down later in the week when she is no longer contagious though...so that should be fun...if it happens. I think I might clean there are some things around this house that just need to be gutted. It's been a while.

Still not quite sure what is going on for our spring break slash road trip nobody really knows what we want to do and everything is up in the air about who is actually going..it's really starting to frustrate me cause I need to know if we are even going to go so I can start saving money...that takes a lot of planning. But hopefully people can get back to me by the end of the week so I can get an idea about how much everyone will need to bring.

On another completly random note there is something wrong with my left eye. It hurts like hell and has been for the past 3 days and I can't figure out what it is. It almost feels like there is a zit there or something...I know gross but I can't think of anything else that it could be and I am not going to the doctor. That cost's lots of money and I ain't going down that road again. Hopefully it clears up in a couple of days.

Corey wants attention now so PEACE

well if you insist

:: 2008 2 February :: 1.06 am

another pizza another day
well I had some black lady call me a bitch today...

yup that is one good way to start the day off. But not to much happend after that it was pretty slow today at work so that was nice. Did my taxes yesterday and I am getting about 1200 dollars back so that will be awesome I can finally pay off some old debts.

Corey, Micah, and I are talking about maybe taking a road trip to Florida this year for spring break to go visit our old friend Dan, who lives there now. Not quite sure if that will pan out I am all set to go and so is Corey but Swall seems a little iffy on the whole idea. you know the whole " I could stay here and make money all week or I could go and spend a whole lot" thing. But I say fuck it I haven't taken a week off in forever I seriously can't remember the last vacation I took so I am going with or with out swall. HA

off the shower it seems

well if you insist

:: 2008 26 January :: 1.13 am

well I have been working a shit ton lately and seem to be getting no rewards.

but for the first time in months I finally get a sunday off. OH and I got a promotion I don't know if I said that before but yeah. Not quite what I wanted but hey I still get a dollar raise. pretty sweet. on the downside I work like crazy never hang out with anybody not even kate and feel like a complete shut in.

totally exicited about the tax return thing though...should be getting quite a bit this year seems how I really kicked the hours into gear this year. plus that extra 600 from good ol' bush *HA* should be pretty nice.

well gonna kind of have a party tommorow well im not but swalls is and kate might actutally come over maybe....prolly not though...we'll see I guess

gonna start watching mimic now

well if you insist

:: 2007 22 December :: 12.53 am

well bout' time I update

For the first time in a while I haven't had any negetive things happen in my life....maybe god is giving me a break for the holidays. I have my rent money and I have paid my car payment nothing left except heat and hopefully something towards my capital one card which is deffently something that has to be done asap! and to top it all off I actually have some spending money!!!!!! it's amazing. I think that, that is the first time I have said that in a year.

went shopping today with Corey but only because we had too, my work pants broke ( the buttons fell off) so I figured five months is a good run for something I wear practically every day in splurged on an 11.00 pair from walmart...their like pajama pants though they have drawstring which is wierd but whatever...they're super comfy.

I think that Corey and I have finalized our christmas party agenda finally with only 2 more days to spare it is going to uber crazy this year with two extra stops to fit in. So here it is:

Christmas Eve
3:00pm Roberts Party
7:30 ish Corey's mom's
9 till ? My dad's

Christmas day
8:00am Corey's moms
10:00 am Corey's Dads
12:00 pm My moms
1:00 Micah's
2:30 ish Anderson's

Super hectic I don't know how we are going to pull that all off...but somehow we have too and I think that 8:00 on christmas day might be pushed back a little on account of on christmas eve with my dad we will most likely be getting trashed! But it should be fun times anyways

Well thats it finally a happy entry

well if you insist

:: 2007 13 December :: 1.41 pm

my status is dazed and confused
I don't have much time to write I have to leave for work in like 15 min. so I just thought that it has been at least a few days and I should update. So yesterday was pretty fun we went out for the first time in months but I think that if Micah wasn't celebrating the end of the semester we never would have. went to some VFW hall where one of Micah's buddies bartends so we got really cheap drinks there...then we went to bonefish where once again one of his friends worked but then to top it all off...Rayshawna (Micah's sis) boyfriend showed up and paid for everything we got there! Then after that we went to Z's a bar downtown and ended up only spending 14 dollars....all in all pretty cheap night on the town and all would have been great if not for one thing...............................I caught Corey FELLING UP SOMEOTHER WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank the god that I have some sort of resistance because I really wanted to make a scene...needless to say I am not very happy and I took him home immedieltly afterwards...where he preceded to be so damn drunken that he couldn't speak a single coherent sentence and blamed the whole thing on me! well he slept on the couch and I slept in the bedroom and after my school order this morning and I came home to talk to him about it he said he doesn't remember...not that makes it any better...but I don't know what to do...so like always I think I shall just forgive and forget...not like I am saint when I am drunk either...right????

That is the update today

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2007 12 December :: 12.55 am

I am alive
well things are looking up...

I finally got paid and so did he so things are starting to get paid off and less and less people are calling me for money...which is deffiently a plus! No luck on getting my book back though..blah I suppose I should just pray for the best and hope that this place that cleans disc's will actually work. It's actually quite funny really for the past three months I have some severe writers block and now that I fear I may never get it back...I have ideas running through my head like crazy...they keep me up at night untill I come into the kitchen and just write them down ridicoulous I know... but I suppose such is life.

Kate has been calling me a lot lately which is wierd cause usually it is me who does all the calling I fear that she may be having some sort of serious crisis on the homefront what with her so called boyfriend saying he doesn't know if he wants to be in a realationship with her anymore just after the whole crisis of her telling him that she didn't want to see him because she and all of us knew he would do this to her....and when she gives in...her so called best friend goes and tells the whole thing to her previous boyfriend...what is this world coming too I really wish I could have givin her more advice than I did ...but for the first time I really didn't know what to tell her. That and it was 11 o clock in the morning and I did not want to wake up that early!

Tommorow I am going to decorate the lobby at work! that seriously is the high light of my week...I am so lame.

well if you insist

:: 2007 7 December :: 8.24 pm

I sigh with relief
well I got paid today....

So now I don't have to worry about rent for at least another 30 days. See there's a positive!

but I don't really feel like writing today....my book got ruiend because this stupid comp. got a damn virus in it and now I fear that I may have to start over....three years gone.

well if you insist

:: 2007 5 December :: 9.24 pm

I cry and cry and cry and still I don't feel any better
am I a pessimist?

Apparently I am. I can take that I understand. I think I will try to be COMPLETLY honest with this entry.

My phone has been shut off so if anyone needs to get a hold of me please just call me at work...I am there every day anyways. I don't think I will be able to pay that off for a while so yeah. The other car is gone so now I am sharing mine. it has not been so good so far. Our shifts collide so things aren't going so well. And then there is work...were trying to work out the kinks in our staff but even when we think that we have fixed them something else happens to make things worse. I need a driver who can be there to open and no one seems to be abe to do that. bah...

I feel like my realationship is falling apart because of money problems I can only trust for so long and he doesn't understand that...I realize that I don't look at the positives in life...probably because the come to far and between...but something has got to give. Right? wouldn't it be nice if life could be like a tv sitcom..hahahha

well okay

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2007 3 December :: 12.35 am

well a new week is on its way

I guess to look at the glass half full rather than half empty (which I seem to do a lot lately) I kinda have a break this week from work...only 36 hours just sucks that it is within 4 days. I have realized lately that even when I get hours I am still upset about them...like 42 a week isn't enough! But I think there is something wrong with me because I know that I want a break that i need a break but my mind just keeps telling me that I need more more more. I didn't actually notice this untill matt said something to me about it...even he says I need a break..."it's not healthy to work as much as you do kate," it was kinda nice of him...I think I am starting to get a long with him very well. he's not so bad after all.

Well alright I am starting to get really angry that I cannot type in this stupid thing...it's not regestering the letters that I am typing and yes Andy I did check to see if it was just on here or everywhere on my comp. it is just on here....is there something wrong??

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

:: 2007 1 December :: 2.22 am
:: Mood: uncomfortable

so I can barly move
ode to another 11 hour day...

well today commenced my third open to close shifts. Finally I don't have to worry about that anymore but yet ahh yes there's a yet...I do still have to close tommorow and the next day. I don't know what I did while I was working today but for some reason my back kills! I took one of my many prescription pills that help the pain and help me sleep so hopefully by the end of this journal entry I should be able to smoothy transist into a slumber....I said hopefully.

A guy at work today asked me if after my shift I wanted to smoke pot with him...I didn't really realize that he had asked me untill he was already gone on delivery...I didn't if your wondering but still I was like "do I really look like a stoner?" I didn't say it of course I am to nice for that but seriously people just because I have no life does not mean that I smoke pot. whatever.

on a much brighter note it seems like for one more month I have some how pulled a way to keep on living out of my ass. Corey's car wont get re-po'd (hopefully....keep your fingers crossed) and I can pay rent...he has been making quite the effort to make money and is even applying for night jobs too. So it looks like that silver lining might actually be there! Well at least for a month.

Okay I have just seriously almost started writing almost how I really feel about what my life is right now....I am not about to go on and self pity myself I had better stop writing while I can...see ya all on the flip side!

well if you insist

:: 2007 29 November :: 1.00 am

I am completly frustrated
and torn to pieces....

His car will be re-po'd by monday if we or should I say can't come up with 250.00 by then. That will be a shot in the dark if I might say so now. But a little part of me is happy...that stupid thing has only caused problems for us I mean shit before he got that we were starting to get back on our feet again and then everything went down hill from then on...I know I shouldn't talk about it because I know that now he regretst his decision on buying the thing but still...Oh and some how on top of paying that I have to find some way to make my pay check strech through our rent payment also and even if I can make that happen it's still going to be late because as you all know the first of the month is on sat and I just got paid which means it will be over a week late and since we are not really the greatest tennents they have had they probably won't let me get an extension. hmph just one more thing to worry about...

I have been toying with the thought of picking up a second job...like maybe getting a partime first shift job just untill I start making more than ends meat. There is a ammaco station that is hiring on 28th st I think I will go and apply there maybe I will just try it out...something different you know. Who knows maybe I will like it and want to stay. God help me I am thinking that my niche is in convience stores!! ha isn't that the understatment of the year.

The insomnia has started again I think that it only occurs when I have a lot on my mind..because not only am I worried about finding a way to pay my bills on time but also it fucking christmas! What am I going to do about that....I know my parents understand but Devin doesn't well he should but he's still so god forsaken spoiled he wouldn't I don't know what I am going to do for him concidering that his birthday is like next sunday and I have to figure out a christmas gift for him too.........not to mention Corey's little sisters....Who knows maybe santa is real and I won't have to buy a thing. that would be nice.

My mom got a series of three shots in her spine yesterday she seems to be a little out of it since then I don't really know what to think of it..she has had them before but this time it seems to be taking more time for her to recoperate I am starting to get more worried about her condition it doesn't seem to be getting any better..but maybe I am just worring about something that doesn't really need to be worried about??

well my stalker is online so I need to go diffuse a situation

3 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2007 27 November :: 2.20 pm

well i finally have a day to think

Thankfully I have a day off which would be my first one in 14 days if you don't include thanksgiving because i sure don't. It doesn't count if your runninng around all day trying to appease the family. So now I am hanging out with my friend Moe and am actually quite bored. So I guess thats karma.

this weekend is going to suck I have to close every night so that means that even if anyone wants to hang out it will have to be on friday after midnight and then I don't have worry about waking up and opening the next day so I guess it might work out...who knows.

well if you insist

:: 2007 23 November :: 1.24 pm

yup another day in paradise

it's snowing outside...I am not liking this not one bit...I have to deliver today and everyone knows I am the worst driver when it comes to snow and a four wheel vehicle. But hey whatever I have to do what I have to do....now if only I could hire a driver who could open before the winter really catches on. . ANY TAKERS???

So I did the family thing yesterday ate some turkey got drunk got some nice talking in whith everyone and then naturally went home rented some movies and passed out before 11. I am such a loser. I don't have a clue what I am doing this weekend Kate might come down to see me I hope that Jess and I are going to hang out but who knows I might end up doing nothing but working and coming home to sit on my ass and do nothing once again this weekend. Never know.

I work today open to 8 but Corey says it will be super slow and that I will probably be home by 6:30 7 o clock...which would be nice concidering I feel like I am working my life away a little break from that hell hole sure would be nice.

oKay that was my recap Im hungry and tired and some how I have to find my work shirt that is in a box somewhere who knows ....Corey decdided to clean the room and instead of picking up my clothes and arranging them in some sort of order just through them all together in a box. So this should be fun!

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2007 18 November :: 10.50 pm

im hurt
Briana finally wrote me back...it was the worst thing that happened to me all week.

Looking back on life in High school I really don't blame her for being a total bitch to me but what she said to me was harsh. she even made me cry. I have never understood that words hurt untill just a min ago. I don't think anybodys letter has ever made me cry before.

I guess that just tops off my week though. I have been working my ass off lately to reap no benifit from it. it seems as soon as I get any money it leaves my pocket almost as soon as it enters it. something always comes up. Like the fact that I have already paid corey for my insurance this month but so simply "forgot" about it and spent the money so now I have to pay it again so that I am not driving around without insurance. Oh and my car payment and phone bill...I just can't keep up I don't make enough money to be paying for two people right now. I don't know what to do there are no good jobs around here and seems that ever single interview that I go on is just a joke. I am so frustrated right now. Maybe I need to get another part time job. Then I really wouldn't have any spare time.

Jessa and Andy) I had a great time this weekend and believe it or not so did corey! it helped hanging out with some friends for once this week it made my day at work today go a lot more smoother. Thanks . And we should deffiently do that again next weekend.

well okay I should probably calm down and take a bath or something Im stressed....maybe some tea? hmm that sounds good

well if you insist

:: 2007 14 November :: 10.17 pm

I have a stalker on facebook!!
and as wierd as it sounds it's kind of nice to talk to someone I don't know....of course I am totally bullshitting with her about most things....but some are true and it's ..it's..nice

Jessa when you come up next..let's hang out okay...and not drink

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist

:: 2007 8 November :: 11.16 pm

im sick
I checked my temp about two hours ago it was 102. I took some asprin it's now down to the normal temp. and I feel a little better...my stomache is doing backflips and I feel like I am going to puke but nothing yet...and Corey is at a party.

Guess I don't really need him here anyways...really what could he do for me that I can't do for myself...but it would be nice to have someone other than the cat to complain to about how I can't eat anything even though I am starving....seems like everytime I eat it just comes straight out of me....yeah you got it...im not puking so it's comin out some how...I think I need some pepto bismol but I don't have any money....although I just got paid today I literally after paying all my bills have not one cent left over...thats two checks in a row now I don't even know how I am making it.

hmph I don't know ...I guess I will try taking a shower or something

well if you insist

:: 2007 7 November :: 2.46 pm

your body can't digest carsinagens!
I hate people who tell me what and how to eat.

well if you insist

:: 2007 5 November :: 10.35 pm

my back hurts
and well it's monday and work was busy...

I just realized that I only have one friend who has updated in here in like a week...and go figure it's andy who owns it....but I guess in his behalf I only have like 4 friends.

anyways...today it snowed for the first time it wasn't really snow it was sleet but still I suppose it counts. Work was hectic because of it and it sucked because it was just me and one other person....and they switched the specials on me without informing me...bastards.

I have the next two days off which is really nice and really sucks all at the same time...Im sure it's understandable but...I don't know. corey was lost on sat. nobody knew where he was he left a party at like 11 o clock and then wasn't heard of for like 5 hours after that...I was searching the town forever with Micah and then when I got home he was there asleep I woke him up and started yelling at him asking him where he was and why did he drive off drunk like that...blah blah blah....he said that he fell asleep in some parking garage and then came home....I was freaked for a while though and so was Micah....I don't know what to say to him..I think he has a drinking problem but then again I can't tell. It's not like with my dad where he drinks everyday because he doesn't but I'm not so sure either I am not around when he's at lunch with his work friends and whatnot....what do I say to him...I don't think I can say anything it's his life right?

I puked this morning I don't know why and I know Im not pregnant but it was wierd...I felt better afterwards though....it's confusing I wonder if I ate something bad last night I don't think that i did though

well alright I think I am going to take a shower

well if you insist

:: 2007 3 November :: 7.01 pm

I wrote a poem today I don't know about it but here it is

Upholstered by your demands
Vexed with disappointments
Of unknown

By indignations
Simple Creatures
Pleased with no

Listlessly calling
Out my name

My heart

it was in my head for a while...

well if you insist

:: 2007 1 November :: 10.17 pm

I don't know what is wrong with me today. Just for the sake of my own sanity I think I will claim that I am a little depressed.

The wierd thing is that I don't really know why. Is it because of my horrible night last night? or is just because I feel like my life is going no where. I hate my job and I don't know what else I could do...I have been applying to other jobs since I lost my last one and still haven't found a real job. That place is a curse once you start then you cant stop...it sucks you in somtimes I feel like I just want to shoot myself rather than go in for another shift.

I have recently been thinking about what it is that I think that I want to do with my life and have realized that I don't really want to do anything...I have no ambition for life...I think I would be compleatly happy just sitting at home doing nothing all day...there is something wrong with this senerio you can't just do nothing...I know this...but ahhh sigh I don't know

Maybe I just need friends...Nobody is ever around alls I do is hang out with his friends...except for the occasional girl-friend that shows up out of the blue for me. Kate's never around anymore...and really she's all I have plus I think she's mad at me anyways she just won't talk about it.

we are suppose to go to the movies tonight to see the midnight premier of that movie with denzel washington I can't remember the name of it ....probably because I really don't have any inclination to see it...but whatever if it gets me out of the house whatever.

off to my abiss of nothingness

well if you insist

Woohu.com | Random Journal