raped by your indignation crossed by your pleasure in my pain take me down from your pedastool I can't help you leave me

 

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:: 2007 1 November :: 12.45 am

fuck halloweeen
well today is halloween....or whats left of it...im a little angry but hey whats new...it seem that everytime he gets drunk he has to alienate me and make me feel like I am nothing...really what is wrong with me I should have just let things go when I had the chance....his words exacally about two weeks ago "oh baby don't worry about not having any money, I will take care of you" and now look....I am starving he knew I was starving and instead of buying us both something to eat he just buys himself something to eat and doesn't share....but who would think he would....silly me...so a cheese sandwich it is for me....bastard sometimes I just can't stand him.

Thank god he fell asleep on the couch drunkinly now I can go to the bedroom and not have worry about him yelling at me some more....is there a problem with me thinking this way?? I think there is...it's like Coyote Ugly...if you know what I mean except for sometimes your okay with the person.

God somebody help me figure out what is wrong with me ....I don't know what I want in life...im to fucking screwed up...things constantly confuse me...

im hungry im going to eat this cheese sandwich now

1 you must really like me | well if you insist


:: 2007 29 October :: 8.29 pm
:: Music: ldn

crazy weekend
well wasn't that a crazy weekend? to all who care.....

you know who you are do you find it weird to write in here now that he's always watching.....kind of like god he is......in a absent kind of way.....


thanks for throwing up all over my bathroom that was a lot of fun you crazy lady. next time learn to find the toilet. lol


miss you and call me when your in town again

well if you insist


:: 2007 19 October :: 2.23 am
:: Mood: uncomfortable

man what has it been like a year?

I forgot all about woohu and then my insomnia started up again and I was like "hmm what did I used to do when I couldn't sleep" and know I remember.

so Here's whats been going on with me this week...The computers at my work crashed so now I have to do everything by hand which takes twice as long as it should to get anything done so that means that I have been working an hour to an hour and a half longer each night...it's killing me literally....everything hurts my back my feet my legs and now I can't sleep. what the hell is next?? They say the computers won't be fixed untill like sat. so I have two more days of hell left unless by some grace of god the techie actually fixes something on time. probably not.

Corey's birthday was on tuesday so we took him out to the Hookah Lounge which was actually a lot of fun I had never been there so it was a nice new experience allthough it probably would have been nicer if he wasn't so drunk when we got there. But I suppose it was his birthday... so then we took him to a bar and got him drinking some more and went home and drank some more needless to say it was a big drinking fest one that I do not think I was ready for seems how I passed out at like 12 o clock kind of depressing but hey when I can sleep....IM GONNA...

I don't really know what else to say so I guess I will log off

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 7 May :: 10.59 pm

sometimes I get myself in trouble

well I think I went a little overboard with my last post. sometimes I get so sucked into my own depression that even I cant see a way out. I hurt core's feelings...even though it wasn't all about him. I didn't even think he read my journal...goes to show you how much I know.

well katie still hasn't called me. I guess she's not going to say she's sorry for lying to me..I can't beleive she thought that I wouldn't see through that....we've been friends since we were little and she still thinks that I can't tell when she's lying.

went to my moms house today...it was pretty boring dad had to go to work today which sucked but still at I got out of the house for a while...and dinner was good...I like having a good meal every now and then, it makes me happy inside.

talked to jamin for like and hour and a half later on last night...well not really jamin but emma. we talked about everything that has been happening to us for the past year...it was nice just to spill everything that was bothering me. like going to go see a shrink..but free.

well core said that he would be home at 10:30 today but looks like he isn't going to make the deadline seems how it's already eleven. I don't know why I get my hopes up...I got all dolled up and everything..thinking maybe I'll get lucky...I doubt it though...he doesn't want that anymore it seems...but then agian he has been very busy latley...so I don't hold it against him. when the time is right I guess.

I quit smoking.
going on day two now...not much but it's a nice start. just thought that you all would want to know that...maybe get a little more support.

oh and if you want to see my other journal...go to myspace.com/kadiebarton

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 6 May :: 8.04 pm

fuck this shit
I am in a really really bad mood....

I don't have any friends...well real true friends...

I have spent the past two days cleaning my house and thinking of things to do for today...because katie said that she would be coming over to my house...but then this morning when I called her she said that she was going to go to a horse show...but she would still be able to come over just at like four well....at four thirty I called her and she was still there...then at seven she calls me and makes up this lame excuse about how her mom wants to take the jeep and use it and that she also voulinteered her to babysit for someone...I don't think so...I seriously think that all my friends think that I am retarted...I got mad and hung up...when I called her back to say sorry...she didn't even sound like she was upset about not being able to come over...now if I were her and I wasn't supposed to work because I was going to my friends house I would be pissed...but no she was actuallly laughing as she picked up the phone.

maybe im not the friend type...I mean for the past three days the only people I have talked to our customers, and my boss. oh and corey for like thirty min. here and there....it's like were not even together anymore. I don't know what to do...I find myself crying all the time..I just don't have any ambition anymore to try with anybody anymore...I don't need friends...I don't need corey...i guess it is just me myself and I from now on...seems how none of you care about me.

I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU for leaving me alone everyday
I HATE YOU for lying to me
I HATE YOU for ignoring my phone calls
I HATE YOU for thinking that I will believe everything you say
I HATE YOU for making me cry
I HATE YOU.........................................................................

well if you insist


:: 2006 5 May :: 9.22 pm


well I dyed my hair....I would show you but photo bucket is being really gay right now...so i cant. I am sick today I feel like crap I even took a three hour nap...I tired to call core because next to my mom he's the one person I want to talk to when Im sick but he didn't pick up his phone...I know it's friday and he's busy...I know that..but Im still dissapointed. But im not mad at him...

thats my new thing lately trying to see whats really wrong with me before I start to jump the gun...so to speek. I know im not mad so why say you are right....just trying to re-evaluate my life style a little....

Corey quit smoking...which is amazing I can't believe he really did it...I am to ....slowly but surely...but im proud of him...that he's doing now lets see if he sticks to it..

well if you insist


:: 2006 3 May :: 9.35 pm


well.....I feel sick....I called it didn't I, I said that I was next...but I think it's just because I ate something bad...I just feel like throwing up.

maybe I'll take a shower that always seems to help anything that is bothering me.

I feel so alone lately I haven't really had any human contact in like 44 hours...work doesn't count seems how we don't really talk to eachother there and core's been working open to close the past couple of days so I see him for a total of thirty min. before I declare that I am going to pass out and go to bed...our schedules are so messed up right now that I feel l like we don't even really have a relationship except for our carefully scheduled days off together...which tommorow is one...but still even those don't feel right, it just feels as if because we never see eachother we have do everything that we wanted to do in one day and just run around all day and not really get any one on one together....I don't know what to do...I hope it all works itself out some day.

Kate G misses me she said I guess thats a good thing at least I know I have one real true friend. Briana is being a total bitch lately...it's like I bend over backwards and walk on eggshells around her just for her to slap me in the face with her "im soooo much better than you" repitare. fuck that. I get so frustrated it's like why try to be friends with anybody if in a couple of months there just going to blow you off whenever you want to hang out.....maybe Im just not friend material. who knows. but kate loves me....but she has to she's my sister....I wonder if that still counts.

shrug..................sigh...........pout................

1 you must really like me | well if you insist


:: 2006 2 May :: 10.31 pm


well today was okay...work was boring a whole two customers today!!! yeah.

I went to the library after work though that was probably the highlight of my day...im such a nerd. then I came home and made eggs because really thats all we have unless I want a sandwich...again. which I didn't. I hate it when rent is due. cleaned the house because it was getting absoulutly disgusting...and I can't stand it like that...I know that core was sick and all but it was just his voice...that doesn't give him the right to just throw his shit all over the house...come on....I am not a maid...well maybe I am.

who knows

just venting

I've been working on this mixed cd of mine for like three days because for the first time in my life I want it to be really really good...you know not like a bunch of crap all mingled together only to find out that I didn't download enough songs to fill the cd up so I have to use old songs to finish it...I will not do that this time they will all be new songs...well to me..
it's got some dashboard confessional on it..which jessa you turned me on to them I just for the longest time didn't even know that it was them..and then I lost your mixed tape during the very first move from my moms house and I never could find it...so yeah dashboard...some rap but not a lot im not big into that ...panic at the disco which is my new fave band of this year anyways...yeah it'll be good any more details you'll have to ask for it.

well if you insist


:: 2006 1 May :: 10.03 pm

keeping him healthy

seems like everyone I know is getting sick...clemy's sick....corey's sick....next it will be me...everyone around me is having breakdowns or breakups...who knows maybe this is the end of the world as we know it....

stupid

corey and me decided to veg out today after I got out of work movies and shakes that is the life...well kind of ...I was a little disappointed that I couldn't go hang out with my friend ray and corrinna but I know that when your family is sick you stick around to take care of them...that's just the right thing to do

love ya's

well if you insist


:: 2006 30 April :: 6.59 pm

I can be up to people's standards
post one!


okay got a new email addy so if you want me to actually read what you send me send the message/letter to kadiebarton@hotmail.com

sweet

3 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 30 April :: 4.12 pm

I'm so hot!
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

well if you insist


:: 2006 25 April :: 6.58 pm


well today is wierd for me....I feel like I am angry but I don't really know why...I think it's just the sudden change in climate though...weird huh.

I saw a couple in a jeep today and they reminded me of you jess so much I felt really sad that I haven't seen you in so long I hope that doesn't last that long..call me

3 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 12 April :: 7.38 pm

a little confused

well,,,,
where to start the past couple of weeks have been really hard on me it just felt like I was losing everything that I had and then some. Me and Corey have been having some problems (but don't worry we figured them out now) mostly because we don't talk about anything that is bothering us when it is bothering us...we just kind of let it settle for a while and then it goes away untill something else happens and then it just starts to pile up and then.....KABOOOOOOMMMM! all of sudden where pissed as hell and neither one of us really knows what the real problem is.

So it got to the point last week where I didn't even know if I wanted to be with him anymore.....which is really devestating to me...to think that maybe this really is the right thing to do...you know the whole marrige thing and all. but finally we just sat down for like three hours and talked....really talked not like that simi shit you normally do but really talked. and now it seems as if things are working out a little better. there are still some snags and still I wonder if I could have thought of leaving him in the first place does that me that maybe we shouldn't be together....then I think well thats just probably my insecurities talking again...and we all know that theres a lot of those in me. THANKS DAD.

and then......

I don't nothing against you jess and I mean that sencerly...but I saw that he wrote in your journal...like what the hell...why is he checking up on you...if he says that I am the only one for him and he never thinks about leaving me and absolutly never thinks about other girls then why is he still reading your journal??? maybe it's just plain curosity I thought to myself but then..........he gave you his im name I didn't even have that....you know...what the hell. Im over-exagerating again aint I?? who knows maybe he'll read this and go "hmmm. wonder if I should talk to her about this." and then he won't.

what to do what to do. why does like have to be so damn complicating? I wish it would have come with a guide book so when something like this came along you would just pull out that 3,000 something paged book thats collecting dust on the bottom of your closet floor and look up everything that is bothering you so you would no exacally how to fix the problem with out ever worring about it another minute. wouldn't that be nice.

sigh...
well now that I probably pissed a coulple of people off ....

goodbye

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 3 March :: 11.14 pm
:: Music: alanis morrisette-thank you

I hate howie

well finally I am done with HH but I hate them because the screwed me out of two days of work that I could have had...oh well I guess I just get the rest of the weekend off....not that big of a deal howies is just a joke anyways...another shit job.

I've been tanning a lot lately my face actually has some color in it and I feel so pretty today...hahahaha go figure it takes a tan to make me feel like that for the first time in a year....I forgot how much I like to tan...its refreshing and it calms me down, gets rid of the depression. but it's funny to because I look in the mirror and I look so different from what I normally do I cant believe it's me.

hey how do you put pictures in this thing????

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 1 March :: 9.49 pm
:: Music: ben foldsfive-brick

yet again the insomnia sets in

last night I couldn't sleep I think it was around four I actually fell asleep...although who really knows. I have another story in mind and it's making it hard to think of anything else lately....I hate it when that happens but I just don't know how to start it that normal though.

start my new job next monday...that should be a nice change. I need that lately everything is routine for me it's getting to the point where I am just bored to death with everthing at howie hell even though it is my last week I just cant stand it there anymore...it's like the last week of high school...there really was no point to it at all. I just keep saying to myself that this is it, no more....and then everyone keeps saying that I'll be back...I won't...I will not be a statistic*. there is no way in hell that, that will happen. It's time to grow up.

Jess it's good that your moving back I was thinking about you the other day I think I want to hang out...get back to my roots...so let me know when you decide.

peace

2 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 22 February :: 11.24 pm

hey guys tell me what you thing please!!!!

The only thing that I see is that black box and the only thing that I am thinking about is that for some reason I thought that it would be pine. Seems fitting though, being black, like the moment. It hurts to look up, I canít stand to see what is up there I just keep my head down on my chest staring at my stupid black wedge penny loafers. He hated these shoes, he always said they made me to tall, I donít know why I choose them this morning they donít even fit me right. I have to wear big socks with them because I bought them a size too big on accident. The tile on the floor is cracked just below my right foot, I canít sit still so my legs are swinging back and forth underneath the pew seat, and the crack is bothering me, why couldnít we get a place to hold this that wasnít falling apart? I think we owe that to him.
I canít stand the droning of this guy he has no idea of the severity off things for me, heís talking like he knows him, knows me, but he has no idea. Hell half the people in this place didnít even remember his name until they saw it in the paper, his parents never knew him nobody did, except for me. Now even thatís not true, I will never know him anymore. Heís gone.
When I first met you I didnít even know if I really wanted to be with you. Things were so different between the two of us I just figured I was having one of my flings again. But the way you would talk to me like you have known me forever after only three days would catch me off guard and make me wonder why I ever questioned it. It was a hard decision though I had to leave a three year relationship with my boyfriend at the time and I wasnít even sure if I was ready to do that. I remember almost convincing myself that you were the right choice for me, telling myself that you were the right choice I had to get out of the hell I was stuck in. Iím not quite sure if you know this but I convince myself into a lot of things, you see I canít really make any choices because I am always to afraid that I wonít be happy. Being happy to me is the only thing I want, I donít want to end up like my father living in a shitty trailer, with a person that I barley even know for ten years and get drunk every night just ease the pain of a life that never happened. It killed me; I had so many what ifs. What if you and I only lasted a month or two and then when you were done with me I would just be alone again wandering around in my mind with lifeless thoughts. What if we fall in love and really does work where we go from there would you be able to treat me right? Your condition was so bad at the time I thought for sure we would never make it. I never told you these things because you were never good at understanding my way of thinking you just couldnít you were bad at those kind of things.
I told you that I loved you, but you didnít say anything back. I said it to early on in the relationship and I remember feeling like crap that night lying awake in my room, depressed more like, that I would do something as say ďI love youĒ after only three days into our relationship. But I couldnít help myself because for the first time in my entire being I knew that I really truly meant every word. Four days later you did finally tell me that you loved me and you caught me so off guard that I started crying. Thatís the best way though I think that you could have done it, right there on my parents back porch sitting in little plastic chairs in the middle of a conversation about my hair. That night was second night I slept with you and I thought it was so cute how you snored in your sleep, later on I began to tease you but I just wanted to let you know that I liked it, it made me feel safe.

Today was the first night that I have slept without you in two years. I didnít sleep, I tossed and turned and cried. I moved out to our living room thinking that being in the center of our house would somehow make things better, but it didnít. I couldnít stop crying my eyes hurt my nose hurt and most of all my stomach hurt. It felt like someone had taken all of my intestines and organs out and laid them on the floor. I threw up four times just the agony of knowing that you are never going to be back to greet me to say hello when you would walk in the door after work and swing your beautiful arms around me and go ďgive me a kiss poopheadĒ I loved that. I just wanted you to walk in the door one last time.

1 you must really like me | well if you insist


:: 2006 16 February :: 12.28 am
:: Music: hey mombo! mombo italiano!

friends! what a blessing


well it seems that God is blessing me and cursing me all at the same time. Lets start with the blessings. we finally don't worry about money anymore we actually have a constant 2,000 dollars in the bank every week and we don't fight about it anymore, because we can actually buy groceries*when we need them and anything extra....it's amazing how nice it is to be able to say that. Also it seems like lately all of my friends have been coming back into my life. Briana and I have been friends again for a straight 5 months now and everybody at work is starting to see that I am not just the manager...we even have nights where we all just hang out, outside of work..its nice. I mean even KTC came and saw me today which was unexpected but really cool all the same...even though I think that she was probably really bored but thanks anyways for coming...On another note I have been searching for a new job because pizza just isn't my thing and nobody can see how much Im really worth and I can't stand it anymore....and finally after a month of apps I finally got a call back for a asst.manager position that pays ten dollars an hour plus benifits and bonus's THANK JESUS!!!!!

But for the curses.....I have been dewling on the fact that it is now 5 days and still no monthly....normally i could set my calander on that stuff but this month not happening....Im not really scared or excited Im jsut trying not to think about it....what happens, happens plus it would just be like starting our family a little early I guess. *SIGH* That and all this fucking snow!!!! I thought that groundhog said no more winter!!! Iknow that I have been living in the northern part of the united states for more than 19 years but I still hate exscuse me HATE SNOW...I can't stand it I don't like driving in it I don't like looking at it I don't even like the smell not that there really is one but at least when you cut grass theres a fucking smell to it...what is the point to it?????? anyways sorry about that it's a sore spot.

well core's watching something that is compleatly against my realigion to watch nevertheless to listen to so I have to go and yell at him.

3 you must really like mestalkers | well if you insist


:: 2006 28 January :: 1.46 pm

so im sick

i've been sick for thet past couple of weeks but yesterday it just kicked my butt...I didn't go to work and I didn't do anything but watch t.v. and sleep. oh and get up occacianlly for some more meds. my head feels all grogy and my throat is killing me plus it hurts my sinus when I try to breathe....blah...

he was really supportive yesterday but today it's like he doesn't even care...yes i know I feel better today but that doesn't mean I am 100% better I just don't feel so bogged down with pain and snot. I don't know what to do...I know I have to work but I feel like crap...I wish someone would just pay me to watch t.v. that would be the life

1 you must really like me | well if you insist


:: 2005 4 November :: 10.54 pm

another boring day

well today was just as productive as yesterday except for I didn't have to work as much went into to town and saw my family...dad tried to fix my car, and at first it looked as if it was going to work but then as I was driving to work it started sputtering piece of shit car!!!!ahhhhhh!!!!!! so now I have to drive all the way back up tommorow just to get it fixed again...why can't anyone just do things the right way first???

my back hurts and I can't get a hold of Bri so I am pissed that I got out of work early for her and she's not even home yet. she'll probably call me in like five min. now that I said something but for the moment I will refuse to be patient.

ahahhahahah

well if you insist


:: 2005 4 November :: 12.18 am
:: Music: halo killings

ahh to be home

well finally I am home after working for twelve hours today...which is great money wise but im sick of howies. I got really sick on monday...which was mostly self-induced....but I got really really sick, I couldn't get off the couch or barely move it was horrible I had to actually call in to work...which is hard for me...seems how I haven't taken a sick day in about a year and a half. But on the plus side since I didn't work on tuesday I am not working nine days in a row!!

He's playing x-box live halo again....it's nice though cause this way I get to be on the internet and he can't say anything about it because he's got his own thing....

well thats it for today not much

1 you must really like me | well if you insist

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