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:: 2019 19 June :: 6.28am

3 days until the really adventure starts

feels like an eternity, I just want to run away now.

been eating like shit, feeling like shit, trying to remain positive. so exhausting "looking on the sunny side" all the time... but it's made a difference I guess.

good robot human unit, ya did good cold unfeeling robot arm. learned some stuff about other robot units at work... can I just say if that particular unit cannot take feedback/constructive criticism from people who only want them to succeed, I can only imagine the nightmare of being married to them...

or maybe they are this way due to their relationship, maybe the SO was constantly berating and criticizing them, so now that they are free, the habit dies hard.

I can't say I'm much different... I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't please myself over others. I can't say no when I want to without endless writhing guilt.

you make me feel lonely. you make me feel unimportant and insignificant. you make me feel trapped.

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:: 2019 13 June :: 11.23pm

tomorrow is the big day... when I find out if I got the training job. I'm so nervous I can't sleep is like Christmas Eve when all you can think about is how your parents had to have gotten you that kitten this year is the year..... but deep down you know there is no kitten.

I am trying to remain optimistic. that my trip to Canada with emy will be a celebration vacation rather than that of defeat... I'm so excited getting pedicures then staying in a restort for a few days right on the ocean. I miss the ocean, I need the ocean again. I just hope this time I come back feeling better, because something has to give.

I just hope it isn't me.

now I just need to learn how to love someone again, and trust him, but it's just so damn hard to not be scared that I'm going to be hurt again

you make me cry sometimes baby and I wish ... I could move you like you move me sometimes ...

Oh, honey I'm worried 'bout you
You're too much to lose
You're all that I have
And, honey I'm worried 'bout you
Put yourself in my shoes
You're all that I have so please don't die
Wherever you are tonight

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:: 2019 4 June :: 9.33pm

finally listening to the taking back Sunday album I thought I was buying when I drunkenly bought that all American rejects album

that's the good shit

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:: 2019 4 June :: 1.27pm

this happens every month
where I just fill up with every negative emotions I bury deep down
and every sad song is about me
and I feel so alone

desolate and isolated stuck on an island of my own design

I was hoping these pills would make me a zombie but all they do is make me an ifrit

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:: 2019 24 May :: 11.15am

Recorded on 5.22.19
POD 17

In which I am serenaded by Alec.

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:: 2019 18 May :: 1.23pm

looks like it's time for
yet another DRUM BREAK!

I happened across an old recording of this drum pattern I'd written for basement audio lab. It was a crappy demo version consisting of me tapping on my legs and kicking the mic stand. It was virtually unlistenable, with a horrendous click track going in the background. I was surprised to find the pattern came much more naturally to me this time around, and the click was not necessary. I just wanted to make a better recording of the part for future reference. I don't know what prog rock band I'm going to join someday that will have a need for a part in 7/8 time, but you never know. When the time comes, I guess I'll have this to contribute.

Doing fills in 7 is hard. It's not a natural thing to feel when you were raised on groups of 2 and 4. Most people understand 3, I guess. Waltzes and such. Sometimes you'll hear radio stuff in 6 (which is really just 2 groups of 3, or 3 groups of 2, depending). 5 and 7 are a lot trickier, since you're mashing a 2 and a 3, or a 4 and a 3, or 2 twos and a 3 together at once. Makes it harder to find the downbeat. Actually, what I really like to do is carry it over 2 measures, then the "down" beat becomes the "up" beat for the second measure, before it turns back around again.

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:: 2019 16 May :: 10.52pm

I went to the KCCC meeting tonight
They were having elections. I am now officially Trustee #3 on the Board of Directors. Which is mostly an honorary title, but it was nice of them to include me.

I decided to celebrate at a place down the road ... with a poke bowl:

then i was like, wait...

poke bowl = poke ball?

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:: 2019 8 May :: 6.43am

update to favorite word list:

wrinkle wrinkly wrinkles wrinkled

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:: 2019 22 April :: 8.04am

I'm so confused and I'm not sure what to do. I could listen to half of my heart, the other half, anyone of my friends or family... my brain.

I just don't know which to trust. heart and brain have a bad track record. friends and family are selfishly driven.

have an appointment with a counselor on the 10th and starting Zoloft to help with the depression. Doctor appointment on the 14th as well. pap smear (first one since 2015). been putting it off cuz my doctor o
is too young and too cute. feels like getting my hood pierced all over again XD

things will be ok and work out. whatever happens at least I still have myself. right?

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:: 2019 14 April :: 10.46pm

Recorded on 4.3.19
POD 16

In which I am joined by Mike. He will make you want to have his babies, with piercing blue eyes and gravelly baritone.

Links to stuff we mentioned:

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:: 2019 9 April :: 11.30pm

recorded on 3.29.19
POD 15

The second episode with Kevin, in which we were highly inappropriate. You've been warned.

Links to stuff we mentioned:

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:: 2019 9 April :: 8.44am

my shiney teeth that sparkle just like the stars on space

saw the dentist for the first time in 4 years, no cavities, and both the hygienist and doctor said they were beautiful! and the receptionist was surprised how fast my appointment went

I would like to than my electric toothbrush and the humble floss. I eat so much candy, and I hardly ever brush, but when I do I floss, and sometimes I just floss and that's it... idk flossing is just so fun seeing the stuff that comes out from in between... and then you brush them and it feels like you can breathe again.

it's like if nothing else is in control, I can at least get really stoned and brush my teeth and feel like I am the one driving the bus.

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:: 2019 7 April :: 9.09am

who's going to hold you as the world falls apart?

no one, apparently.

just freefalling until the ground rises to meet this empty husk.

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:: 2019 7 April :: 8.48am

jamais je ne t'oublierai
this is my whole life...


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:: 2019 3 April :: 10.47am

Recorded on 3.27.19
POD 14.2

The second part, in which snacks were had and recording quality suffered accordingly. You've been warned.

Links to stuff we mentioned:

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