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:: 2019 16 January :: 5.03pm
:: Mood: happy

recorded on 1.13.19

groupcast! ryan, libby, and lena all came to visit and join in on the fun.

lots of talk about food and bodily functions.



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:: 2019 4 January :: 10.10am

smoking in my car has to be one of my favorite things.

Gary Numan had it right

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:: 2019 4 January :: 12.28pm
:: Mood: amused

recorded on 1.2.19


feel free to HELP ME NAME THE 'CAST! :)

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:: 2019 3 January :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: excited

recorded on 12.29.18
I'm still absolutely baffled that this thing is really happening, but it's rad as hell, and I don't care who knows it.


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:: 2019 3 January :: 10.20am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: city & color

admit, this is never what you wanted
"isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing?"

i feel this deep, deep anxiety, pain, sorrow and emptiness.

it feels like i'm missing someone i never met. it feels like the hole in my heart just tore a little bigger.

it feels like i'm ripped wide open and everyone can see the wind blow. right through my ribs, right through my heart.

i want to help those i love who are in pain so badly, and yet i'm completely powerless to help ease their sufferings, to help them feel relief, to see they are comforted and know they are loved.

maybe i am heartless, maybe i'm not the best person to be friends with. as someone who thinks about suicide constantly to comfort me against the absurdity and pain of being alive, i understand the desire and compulsion. and as someone who understands, it is so hard for me to stay don't.

but please don't. and if it's too late to say good bye... i just hope you found the relief you were looking for.

this life isn't what i want. i don't know what i want. maybe i do. i just want to feel important.

but i feel like that's impossible. i'll never feel important enough. and the more people i fill my life with, the less important i feel. and the more i want to run and hide and forget i ever knew anyone in the first place.

i didn't ask for life. i didn't ask to be white, or a woman, or pretty. i didn't ask to be born in the 21st century, i didn't ask to be a millennial. i didn't ask to fill the oceans with plastics or the air with toxins. i just want to go back to nothing, back to star dust, back to the earth. to be a tree or a bug or a toad. not thinking, not conscious, not lost in this hopeless endless spiral of humanity.

i am lost. and i just want to help someone else not be so lost.

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:: 2018 31 December :: 1.39pm
:: Mood: jubilant

recorded on 12.28.18


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:: 2018 31 December :: 12.14pm
:: Music: Eric Clapton - Old Love

Happy New Year's Eve!
Greetings and welcome to the ending of the end of the year!

I would love to say 2018 was a momentous and eventful year, whether the events be good or bad, but in truth - not much happened. I rode my bike a lot. Paid someone to paint my house. Hosted the shit outta MCYPAA. Played a fair amount of drums.

Nothing earth-shattering.

Weight loss was probably the one goal I had for the year that failed utterly. Oh well. I tried hard. I'm giving myself a break for a bit.

Moving forward, I'm going to practice being a bit more selective about the things I say yes to. I keep booking myself for all this shit, and just wearing myself out. Expect a lot more music and recording stuff, and a little less AA service. I'm not quitting AA or anything, but I was a busy little beaver this year, and it was a bit too much. Went to a few meetings this weekend that I haven't hit in awhile. It was refreshing to see a lot of new faces in those places, and nice to reconnect with some people I hadn't seen in awhile.

One new thing I'm starting is a podcast!

That's what brought me to woohu today, actually. As I was sitting here thinking "fuck, where the hell am I going to host this thing?" it struck me that I ALREADY HAVE A WEB PAGE (spoiler alert, it's this one). I also remembered that I had a dummy gmail account I made like 10 years ago. Some college friends were going to be making a webseries, and they cast me to play one of the characters. The project never got off the ground, but his google presence lives on, and "Dustin" has 15GB of drive storage just sitting there empty.

So, thanks to the magnanimous Mr. Nash, and our good Mr. Andy, I would also like to welcome you to the new home of the as-yet-unnamed podcast I'm starting. When will there be updates? How will we track metrics and monetize our listenership? What will we do when we run out of storage on Dustin's google drive? These are all questions I will disregard for now and leave for my future self to contend with. SUCK IT, FUTURE ME!!!

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:: 2018 29 December :: 10.13am
:: Mood: amused

plays my first game of D&D since I was a young gal

we raced around a mysterious track in fun vehicles

there was so much laughter, shenanigans and tomfoolery and it was everything I needed

thanks Nef for inviting me along and being patient with me! it was an excellent way to spend a Friday night

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:: 2018 20 December :: 7.54am

crossposting generates hits, right? gimme dat viral content!
Tried breathing while I was putting on my shoes last night, and now my back is sore #sothisis32 CHEERS!

Maybe it's morbid to talk about, but at one point, my plan was to be dead by 30. I don't know, it was a nice round number that seemed so unimaginably OLD when I picked it. The concept of "live fast; die young" was quite romantic at the time. I am very grateful that the universe has something better in mind for me, and that I'm able to share my bonus time with you fine folks. It's all gravy from here on out! or icing on the cake...

Okay, those two metaphors sound gross when you mix them. But you get what I'm saying ;)

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:: 2018 16 December :: 2.35am

I know somewhere we can trade all our money for a homesick fade to white

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:: 2018 14 December :: 12.45am



don't worry, life goes on :)

and honestly, it's not so bad. got some exciting stuff on the horizon. been very busy lately. but some good changes happening.

i realize that is frustratingly vague. even i will read this later and go, "what the fuck was i even talking about? worthless gibberish, all of it."

at least we'll be in that boat together, my friend.

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:: 2018 10 December :: 8.59pm

I'm thankful to have a family who loves me and friends who are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or some sense talked into me.

I'm also thankful that while this country is fucked, that I don't live in one that is worse.

things will be okay as long as you keep your head above water, and if you don't, sometimes you come back up.

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:: 2018 9 December :: 10.59pm

the pebble cannot change the course of a river

all it can do is hope to be picked up and carried for a while

thankful to be part of the journey

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:: 2018 9 December :: 9.52pm

when every shitty thing you know about yourself is shoved right in your disappointing face and you're forced to smell your own shit sundae

I don't want to wake up.

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:: 2018 8 December :: 6.59pm

fuck everything

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