:: 2008 28 April :: 1.58 pm

so, i've lost faith in humanity. and men. and teachers.

adults are no more intelligent than kids. in fact, less so. and they think they know everything, which makes it worse.

it's always nice, too, when people lie to you. or when they use you. or when they cheat on their gfs.

oh, hospitals are also very fun places. spend time there. you'll love the smell of your clothes when you leave. also, keeping things from people because they're sick is a good way to handle things. now you know.

being behind in school is also a grade A way to handle things. just let it not happen all day, and it won't get done tmro either.

I'm such a fantastic person.
can i just die now?

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:: 2008 24 April :: 6.10 pm

it has upset me for the very last time.

being told that i am too creative will never end, but i've realised that it's okay.

for one, the greatest artists in history have gone against the grain and were rejected for it.

examples:

Pablo Picasso

Jacques Louis David

Theodore Gericault

Alfred Jarry

Benjamin Franklin (though not a fine artist, a rejector nonetheless)

i don't pretend to be nearly as great as any of these people, and though there are failures among the greats, i will find something else to do if i fail.

For instance, my teacher does not have her name in lights, nor won an academy award. She is a teacher at columbia college. and she has to steal shows from seniors when she wants to do them, because she is no great human, even in chicago.

besides this, i refuse to misrepresent myself as an artist. i have been told to never lie and never to give the impression that i can do something i cannot. so why would my portfolio, as she says, present me in that way.

so for portfolio day, i will copy pictures of statues and old photographs. i will take tracing paper and trace them all, leaving the photocopied images in behind them. i will present them for my A, and not allow her to see my portfolio.

if she fails me, i will go to the dean and protest my failing the class based on too much creativity.

after all, i chose a school with the motto, "CREATE CHANGE".

if only this was practiced...:/

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:: 2008 17 April :: 12.02 am

i have issues with being a tree in a parking lot.

all the other trees get to hand out together on the side, but i have a slab of asphalt in my way.

:/

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:: 2008 4 April :: 1.09 pm

anyone

:: 2008 3 April :: 3.31 pm

mosquito lives off host is hated by host serves no purpose to host moves onto another host when slapped at.

jorie lives off friends is hated by friends serves no purpose to friends is rejected.

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:: 2008 25 March :: 8.52 pm
:: Mood: busy/annoyed/gloomy/tired
:: Music: the tv that is now back on.

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:: 2008 17 January :: 10.37 pm

So I'm only writing in here so much cuz I seem to be missing friends, but mainly a roommate who I can just spew thoughts to.

I'm excited about this show, Scorched, because he wants something big and unrealistic, and we have an awesome budget for it. I'm worried that, like all the things I get super excited about, it's going to fall short or something will be retracted and I'll end up disappointed...again.

I'm pretty sick of that happening, actually. I don't mind going day to day with nothing exciting, though I'd probably whine there was nothing interesting. But it would be nice if the things that excite me so much that I tell everyone I see did not fall through so when they ask how it went, I don't have to embarressingly admit that it acutally didn't happen at all.

I can finally pay for school, so I can finally register this week, thank god.

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:: 2008 8 January :: 1.08 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Dryer

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:: 2007 15 December :: 11.39 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: the refrigerator

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:: 2007 9 December :: 12.52 am

It has been forever since I've written in here.

For everyone else, too, I checked.

I just need to vent about boys, I guess. It's easier to have my mind on that than the fact that I'll probably fail all my classes.

Why is it when I am bold enough to make plans with guys I'm interested in, they blow up at me? And why do I keep falling for everyone?

First was Whit in the summer from Redmoon.
Then it was sort of Mark
Then sort of Charlie
and now Axel (Frank) for sure.

Couldn't tell you why. But it'd be nice to actually have something come out of it.

A relationship, maybe.

It's probably the thing I need most right now. Despite how close Faith and I are, I know she'll find someone more interesting to spend all her time with and then I'll be searching for someone to grasp onto, just like always.

I know why Frank is the new one. He's playful. I miss having someone to play with. We got in a snow fight on Wednesday and he's always teasing and it's fun. I miss that.

Maybe an update later. I'm super behind in EVERYTHING!

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:: 2007 15 March :: 12.10 am
:: Mood: angryannoyedbusyconfuseddepresseddistressedexhaust
:: Music: edjealousmelancholyrestlessrushedscaredshockedsleepystressed

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:: 2007 9 January :: 11.42 pm

i feel like im fucking up life so much right now. im negative 100 dollars in my account and i have a ticket to pay and five parking tickets (ive had really really bad luck lately) and now im not going to be able to pay rent. this fucks me up soooo much.

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:: 2006 18 November :: 1.20 am
:: Mood: contemplative

I'm at a strange point i never thought i'd find myself at...i could easily find myself in a relationship in a week. i could also easily find myself in temporary consolation with a few guys. logically, one says, the relationship. but i've weighed the circumstances. i'd be hindered to a certain extent...rather than doing what i want when i want. i kinda like going out to dinner or lunch with whomever asks and not worrying about who's going to care.

on the other hand, it'd be nice to have someone who i can always call and they're prepared to come see me. but that also means that i'd have to be the same way...or that they may be over too much...::cringe:: i dont know what i want right now and i really dont want to drag anyone into my life without really caring for them.

i somewhat feel like a whore, as well as like im walking away from something that i need...but i dont know waht i need or want right now...just that im having fun in my classes and making anything i care to make. it's nice...

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:: 2006 18 August :: 10.03 pm

im finally home from work.

i spent an awesome week in the city. patrice and i both got jobs; mine is at columbia and hers is at coldstone. we ate at some restaurants, walked on some streets, spent loads of money, went grocery shopping. we unpacked a lot, and patrice has endless clothes.

i went to columbia today to sign a paper at ten am, then hurried to make the ten thirty metra to north glenview, which i did.
except i got on the west line...not the north. so i had to turn around, wait thirty minutes for the eastbound train, run off that train to catch the northbound and i finally made it to north glenview, and then to yardhouse, forty minutes late. but work wasnt too bad. i coloured mostly.

afterwards, i called a bunch of friends and my family. no one could come pick me up. none of my friends answered, and my brother was going out, and my parents were both too intoxicated. isn't that fun?
my brother didnt even leave until i got home anyway...and i had to have katie, who was planning to head twenty minutes the opposite direction, drive me home.

so needless to say, im a little perturbed.

however, my paycheck is $402.80, the most i've ever made on one paycheck. and it's most of my rent.

also, my new job pays $7.75/hr, and has a steady 20 hrs a week. that makes $155 a week, $620 a month, minus taxes, but it's still good for rent. heck yes! plus, i'm planning on aquiring another job for the weekends... :-D

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:: 2006 25 July :: 12.58 am

im sorry i threw a fit tonight.

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:: 2006 16 July :: 12.14 pm
:: Mood: guilty

Sorry, it's long. It's interesting...
My grandpa died, so the last four days, I was in Vancouver. We left on Wednesday to see the relatives we hadn’t seen for at least eight years, depending on the body. The beginning was strange...like reassociation.
If you didn’t know better, Nanny seemed like nothing had happened at all.
The memorial was on Thursday, and it was like being in the geriatric wing of a hospital. Three of his four kids spoke, one’s wife, and my brother in place of my dad. My brother actually cried, for what, I believe, was his first time since finding out the news. He acted fairly unaffected until then. Bernice (the youngest kid, our aunt) cornered Tyler, questioning him about our mum’s drinking and what we were doing about it. She said that no one had recognized when she arrived at Christmas. When she had left them then, Grandpa put his head down, shaking it, saying, “We’ve lost that one” and Nanny said that she’s a lost cause.
During the socializing part of the service, the cousins (Brooke, Cory, Rayden, Tyler, and me) planned to meet the next day for the BC Lions football game. We planned to pick up Cory and her boyfriend at their house to see it and then meet at Brooke’s for an hour or so, because it’s about ten minutes from the stadium. That night we went to a Greek restaurant, where I had the best lamb I've ever had.
But Rayden ended up picking us up at the hotel and took us to Cory’s house, where I saw the largest quantities of pot I've ever seen: filling a thirty gallon plastic bin. (It’s legal in BC; you’re allowed eight plants. It’s well-known enough that it’s called BC’s Best here.) They’d ordered a limo to pick us up there. Cory’s friend Twig and his girlfriend, Randy, showed up late, along with her boyfriend, Ryan. The limo was there at six and they weren’t ready yet. There began the wonderful limo ride.
The lady was strange immediately. The one rule was they couldn’t smoke, which they all do, as you could imagine. She said the sun roof had been bolted shut and the front window didn’t go up. The side container had rotten beer and mass amounts of fruit flies in it. These were all complaining points. We stopped at a liquor store (the age is 19) and everyone but Tyler and I got out to smoke and to buy. Then, because they had taken so long to get ready and get in the car, our hour was nearly up. It was a hundred dollars each way, and she tried to tell us that if we picked up Brooke and her boyfriend, Rory, that it would be another sixty dollars, rather than fifty. That didn’t go over so well. Once we had reached Vancouver, Rayden lit up…and she knew it. She threatened to kick us out. When we got to the pavilion, she said she wasn’t coming back. Ryan got $135 back (we originally paid $250) and we went in the game, dreading Cory, Ryan, Rayden, his girlfriend, Twig, and Randy joining us. In fact, Brooke, Rory, Tyler and I feared we’d be escorted out because they’d cause trouble. After the game, we went to a nearby bar. Rayden and his girlfriend left early, and Twig and Randy got in a fight where Randy ended up catching a cab herself. So Twig, Cory, Ryan and we goodfour were left. Brooke and Rory went home, because it was ten minutes away, but the other five of us had to try to catch a cab. The first one we found said eighty dollars to fit us in a normal size car. We attempted to get a van, which only took four. We ended up getting someone to do it for a hundred: seventy for the company, thirty dollars tip. We took them home from the hotel. Tyler and I walked in the hotel room at ten to three. My mum was up, making phone calls, getting her flight changed to the twenty-first. She hadn’t asked anyone, so the next morning when Nancy (my aunt by marriage) arrived at five-thirty to say goodbye to us, she was surprised to find out she had to take my mum back…to a family who was not prepared to have her for another week. She called Tyler and I as we arrived in Dallas, telling us she’d be home the next day.
The airport was yet another adventure that neither of us was prepared to face after two and a half hours of sleep. We arrived at the airport at seven-thirty and rushed through everything we could, thinking our flight was at eight o’clock. At security, I got chosen to be patted down. It got us through the line faster and she told us that the boarding was at eight o’clock. We got breakfast and jumped on the plane. We shared headphones and watched Ice Age 2 on the flight, which Tyler fell asleep at the very end. The both of us had really rough sleeps. We arrived in Dallas with two hours left, so we went to Friday’s and got wings and chips and dip. I passed out for a good hour on the Dallas-Chicago flight. Once at Chicago, we both checked one of our bags. But they weren’t at Claim 9, as they’d said they’d be. In fact, half of our flight’s bags didn’t make it there…or to Chicago at all. Nor did half the flight’s before us. Nor did some of Salt Lake City. So of course, the baggage claim was full of angry people, screaming at employees and bitching to each other. We’d arrived at six forty-five, twenty-five minutes early. We didn’t walk out of there until two hours later. Then we had to wait for the bus to take us to economy parking lot F. Then we had to buy toothbrushes and deodorant.
I came home with the responsibility my mum had agreed to previous to the trip. I had to take the neighbour’s two dogs out as well as ours. Now they’re at our house.
It was an interesting trip.
It makes me really sad that my grandpa died thinking knowing he had failed as a father with one of his five kids.

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:: 2006 3 July :: 3.14 pm

im in between workings. i just returned from the studio and now am going to yardhouse.

i hate how everything is right now. i want to be able to just sit and talk to someone. but the only people i ever want to talk to always have someone else with them wherever they go. or dont call me back at all.

my mum went through the table. of course, she was drunk...what else is new. so it's broken; im surprised she isnt.

so i really wnat to make a trip to the hospital...take a gander at opportunites for detox for her. she needs it badly.

work time.

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:: 2006 22 May :: 2.08 am

im going to cathy's mum's funeral in five hours. i made her a book.
it made me cry. it always makes me cry when i come down to thinking about my friends. the good ones, anyway. because i realise how special they are. and how i would miss them if they were gone. and what i would have missed without them. and how i love them now and will always. thats why i dont make those things often. it's tough to put it just right. to capture precisely how i feel. but i can guarentee that if you're reading this, you deserve one.

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:: 2006 18 May :: 10.33 am

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:: 2006 11 May :: 10.12 am

"[T]he question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it."
Elaine Dundy

"For an actress to be a success she must have the face of Venus, the brains of Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros."
Ethel Barrymore quoted in George Jean Nathan's The Theatre in the fifties

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