I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.


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:: 2006 16 July :: 12.14 pm
:: Mood: guilty

Sorry, it's long. It's interesting...
My grandpa died, so the last four days, I was in Vancouver. We left on Wednesday to see the relatives we hadn’t seen for at least eight years, depending on the body. The beginning was strange...like reassociation.
If you didn’t know better, Nanny seemed like nothing had happened at all.
The memorial was on Thursday, and it was like being in the geriatric wing of a hospital. Three of his four kids spoke, one’s wife, and my brother in place of my dad. My brother actually cried, for what, I believe, was his first time since finding out the news. He acted fairly unaffected until then. Bernice (the youngest kid, our aunt) cornered Tyler, questioning him about our mum’s drinking and what we were doing about it. She said that no one had recognized when she arrived at Christmas. When she had left them then, Grandpa put his head down, shaking it, saying, “We’ve lost that one” and Nanny said that she’s a lost cause.
During the socializing part of the service, the cousins (Brooke, Cory, Rayden, Tyler, and me) planned to meet the next day for the BC Lions football game. We planned to pick up Cory and her boyfriend at their house to see it and then meet at Brooke’s for an hour or so, because it’s about ten minutes from the stadium. That night we went to a Greek restaurant, where I had the best lamb I've ever had.
But Rayden ended up picking us up at the hotel and took us to Cory’s house, where I saw the largest quantities of pot I've ever seen: filling a thirty gallon plastic bin. (It’s legal in BC; you’re allowed eight plants. It’s well-known enough that it’s called BC’s Best here.) They’d ordered a limo to pick us up there. Cory’s friend Twig and his girlfriend, Randy, showed up late, along with her boyfriend, Ryan. The limo was there at six and they weren’t ready yet. There began the wonderful limo ride.
The lady was strange immediately. The one rule was they couldn’t smoke, which they all do, as you could imagine. She said the sun roof had been bolted shut and the front window didn’t go up. The side container had rotten beer and mass amounts of fruit flies in it. These were all complaining points. We stopped at a liquor store (the age is 19) and everyone but Tyler and I got out to smoke and to buy. Then, because they had taken so long to get ready and get in the car, our hour was nearly up. It was a hundred dollars each way, and she tried to tell us that if we picked up Brooke and her boyfriend, Rory, that it would be another sixty dollars, rather than fifty. That didn’t go over so well. Once we had reached Vancouver, Rayden lit up…and she knew it. She threatened to kick us out. When we got to the pavilion, she said she wasn’t coming back. Ryan got $135 back (we originally paid $250) and we went in the game, dreading Cory, Ryan, Rayden, his girlfriend, Twig, and Randy joining us. In fact, Brooke, Rory, Tyler and I feared we’d be escorted out because they’d cause trouble. After the game, we went to a nearby bar. Rayden and his girlfriend left early, and Twig and Randy got in a fight where Randy ended up catching a cab herself. So Twig, Cory, Ryan and we goodfour were left. Brooke and Rory went home, because it was ten minutes away, but the other five of us had to try to catch a cab. The first one we found said eighty dollars to fit us in a normal size car. We attempted to get a van, which only took four. We ended up getting someone to do it for a hundred: seventy for the company, thirty dollars tip. We took them home from the hotel. Tyler and I walked in the hotel room at ten to three. My mum was up, making phone calls, getting her flight changed to the twenty-first. She hadn’t asked anyone, so the next morning when Nancy (my aunt by marriage) arrived at five-thirty to say goodbye to us, she was surprised to find out she had to take my mum back…to a family who was not prepared to have her for another week. She called Tyler and I as we arrived in Dallas, telling us she’d be home the next day.
The airport was yet another adventure that neither of us was prepared to face after two and a half hours of sleep. We arrived at the airport at seven-thirty and rushed through everything we could, thinking our flight was at eight o’clock. At security, I got chosen to be patted down. It got us through the line faster and she told us that the boarding was at eight o’clock. We got breakfast and jumped on the plane. We shared headphones and watched Ice Age 2 on the flight, which Tyler fell asleep at the very end. The both of us had really rough sleeps. We arrived in Dallas with two hours left, so we went to Friday’s and got wings and chips and dip. I passed out for a good hour on the Dallas-Chicago flight. Once at Chicago, we both checked one of our bags. But they weren’t at Claim 9, as they’d said they’d be. In fact, half of our flight’s bags didn’t make it there…or to Chicago at all. Nor did half the flight’s before us. Nor did some of Salt Lake City. So of course, the baggage claim was full of angry people, screaming at employees and bitching to each other. We’d arrived at six forty-five, twenty-five minutes early. We didn’t walk out of there until two hours later. Then we had to wait for the bus to take us to economy parking lot F. Then we had to buy toothbrushes and deodorant.
I came home with the responsibility my mum had agreed to previous to the trip. I had to take the neighbour’s two dogs out as well as ours. Now they’re at our house.
It was an interesting trip.
It makes me really sad that my grandpa died thinking knowing he had failed as a father with one of his five kids.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 3 July :: 3.14 pm

im in between workings. i just returned from the studio and now am going to yardhouse.

i hate how everything is right now. i want to be able to just sit and talk to someone. but the only people i ever want to talk to always have someone else with them wherever they go. or dont call me back at all.

my mum went through the table. of course, she was drunk...what else is new. so it's broken; im surprised she isnt.

so i really wnat to make a trip to the hospital...take a gander at opportunites for detox for her. she needs it badly.

work time.

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 22 May :: 2.08 am

im going to cathy's mum's funeral in five hours. i made her a book.
it made me cry. it always makes me cry when i come down to thinking about my friends. the good ones, anyway. because i realise how special they are. and how i would miss them if they were gone. and what i would have missed without them. and how i love them now and will always. thats why i dont make those things often. it's tough to put it just right. to capture precisely how i feel. but i can guarentee that if you're reading this, you deserve one.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 18 May :: 10.33 am

This person is basically my hero.Read more..


:: 2006 11 May :: 10.12 am

"[T]he question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again night after night, but God knows the answer to that is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it."
Elaine Dundy

"For an actress to be a success she must have the face of Venus, the brains of Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of Macaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros."
Ethel Barrymore quoted in George Jean Nathan's The Theatre in the fifties


:: 2006 10 May :: 9.18 pm

Know what I love? Pressure. It’s awesome. Of course there’s the whole “do well in school” that everyone has. At least I’m in school, though, as opposed to some people. Then there’s the “you don’t do anything”. That’s fun, too, because when you’re never home, you’re clearly doing nothing. “You’re so messy. Why don’t you clean?” I’m sorry, am I impeding on your space? “When are you going to go running, Jorie?” Fuck you. I’m allowed to be a fat ass. After all, you are too. “You’re wearing that?” Yes, I am. I either don’t care or quite like it. Besides, I’m too fat for your fasionista attitude. “Hanging out with Q and Kristen are not going to help you get better.” Maybe not, but they’re my friends if it’s ok with you. “Don’t you have any friends at college?” No. I don’t like people at college. They have entirely different priorities, like being famous and experimenting with drugs and high school drama. “You’re not trying hard enough.” You’re right. I’m not. I’d love to spend all day doing artwork, but I have no means to experiment with the mediums I want. Nor do I have the time for it. “How are you going to pay for that?” With my money. From my job. That I actually have. “You’re never home.” Yea, I’m busy. “When are you going go-carting with us?” When I have a moment to be home/do homework/art/lose weight/clean my room and car. When I’m done with all that.
I love my family. They want me to be just like Tyler. They know damn well when he was eighteen he wasn’t doing shit. They don’t want me to be like him. They want me to be like twenty-five year old Tyler. Well, that’s nice and all, but I'm not Tyler. I'm Jorie. And I'm sorry that I'm not what you want. I'm not sorry I'm me for me. I'm sorry I'm not the perfect clone.

I'm sick of crying. I've cried nearly every hour of the day today. And I'm tired. I want to sleep.


:: 2006 2 May :: 3.02 pm

ugh. just like everyone else, am stressy. school ends next week and i have so much i should be doing rather than typing in here, but im not right now because i just got home from school and im tired. i have to finish my costume and get patrice's bday present before friday. i also want to go get new clothes but that wont happen until next paycheck. but also, we need to look for apts. patrices mummy is being nice and looking for us, so that's helpful. im going to ask brittany/yoshi/joey and q if they want to live with us because amanda decided not to and patrice is okie with it. that would make things cheaper, assuming they have jobs and could pay the rent.
in other news, i was called a neanderthal last night, see my xanga for more extensive info.
oh yea. i really want to lose some weight this summer. i really packed it on this winter.

2 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 27 April :: 3.20 pm

I am so happy that Patrice is my friend. She basically rocks. Much better at rocking she is than me.

Poor me. If only I could be as rocking.

Oh well, I'll have to live my life one day of Peter Frampton after another.


:: 2006 25 April :: 12.29 am
:: Music: new pornographers, nada surf, belle & sebastian

this was begun as a result of a past entry here that begins "this is a rant about god". ServusDraconis: The one big gripe that I have with "The Three Religions of the World" is the arrogance of their creators and followers.
battlestarre: i keep thinking of stuff
battlestarre: omg me too
battlestarre: they all say that there's only one god to worship in entirety, but then say that theirs is the only one and tell you your religion is wrong
ServusDraconis: Well, I was mentioning the fact that in Islam, Christianity, and Judaism, the idea that all living things are subserviant to man.
battlestarre: i hate the whole prospect of religion. it's interesting and definatly plays a huge part in our actions and history, but i really do only think it was something we created to feel like we arent alone.
ServusDraconis: But you're right there as well.
battlestarre: yea.
battlestarre: theres a george orwell quote...
ServusDraconis: And Christianity is a breeding ground for irresponsibility.

Auto response from battlestarre: All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
George Orwell

battlestarre: it applies to every arguement alive
ServusDraconis: Mainly because there is no idea of cause and effect.
ServusDraconis: There is wrondoing, but no equal and opposite reaction.
ServusDraconis: Just wrongdoing, and then...
battlestarre: yes, agreed.
ServusDraconis: repent!
battlestarre: more wrongdoing, in retaliation
battlestarre: pf...it's just so you feel better about yourself though. if it's truely a sin, there is no repent
ServusDraconis: So you can commit all the sins you want, because Christ died for them, so he's already payed your dues as well as his.
battlestarre: yea, exactly.
ServusDraconis: I like to think that I'm an open minded person, but this is the general trend that I've observed.
ServusDraconis: And the more I read, the more this view prevails.
battlestarre: see, this is what i mean. even my friend, who is hardcore christian...the second person who defends me...agrees that humans have played the idea up so much and it's more worshiping an idea of selfishness than an idea of a presiding being
ServusDraconis: Oh, wow, I'm confused.
ServusDraconis: I need to actually read this posting instead of simply screening it.
battlestarre: the thing that frustrates me the most abotu that persons response is that they were like you're wrong, but im not saying your wrong
battlestarre: and they also said, you need to look more into it...as if i randomly state something i've heard and have not thought about
battlestarre: even worse because i spent so long at a catholic school
ServusDraconis: Yes.
battlestarre: and while it's quite the coincidence that cultures tend to follow the same trends within their very different religions, it doesnt mean it's true.
battlestarre: nearly every culture in the world has pictoral dragons in the history, but that doesnt mean they're real or were ever real.
ServusDraconis: All I can say is that, when asked who the wisest man in all Greece was, the oracle at Delphi simply stated, "Socrates."
ServusDraconis: Yet, when asked Socrates stated, "I am not wise, but at least I know that."
ServusDraconis: Well...
battlestarre: :-). thats why he's wise
ServusDraconis: Dragon theory is a specialty of mine...
ServusDraconis: Exactly.
ServusDraconis: Which is why when asked about my religious beliefs, I always state that I am man, and such things are beyond my understanding.
battlestarre: hm.
battlestarre: i guess i have a very scientific view on things.
ServusDraconis: In what way?
battlestarre: and you know, it's strange because religion is a theory. science is a theory. math is a working theory. history is a story created with theory. life is a theory...and to say you believe so strongly is something so pliable, so subject to change...its so strange.
battlestarre: well, i see humans as being created just the same as anything else...and not by some dirt and gentle hands but by evolution, survival...because the idea is not just reminiscent in our everyday lives, but relentlessly pounding on our backs
ServusDraconis: They are all theories.
battlestarre: i see no creature as more advanced as any other, rather, adapted to it's surroundings.
ServusDraconis: And each theory, being molded of differing points, is tested within its own bounds.
battlestarre: a giraffe is no better than a camel because he is taller
ServusDraconis: However, theorists seem to think that their particular method of testing ought to be applied to all theories.
ServusDraconis: Indeed.
battlestarre: it frustrates me a lot when people talk about how humans are far more intelligent.
ServusDraconis: I know.
ServusDraconis: I've held conversation with animals.
battlestarre: and for the longest while, i simply believed that humans had, in fact, been regressing in their dependence on automation
ServusDraconis: They're very intelligent.
battlestarre: agreed. as've i.
ServusDraconis: I fed a snapping turtle yesterday, and was effectively communicating with him.
battlestarre: but recently i've come upon the fact that all animals have evolved and adapted to what they have. some are just happier with sticking to what they know works for them.
battlestarre: :-)
battlestarre: which is apparent everyday in the human world
ServusDraconis: All animals stick to what they know works for them.
battlestarre: humans have this consistant idea that innovation will progress them, but they still have incessent dependencies on everything that surrounds them.
ServusDraconis: I do believe humans are more beautiful than other animals in that they often pursue wholeheartedly things that, according to the laws of survival, don't work.
ServusDraconis: Yes.
ServusDraconis: It's a tragic beauty that only the best of humans have.
ServusDraconis: Though nature would call it stupidity.
battlestarre: and yet, i find it intimidating and admirable that creatures such as socrates and shakespeare and gandhi and dali and mozart have existed...to create such unnatural but beautiful ideas
battlestarre: (music and art and writing are just as much a philosophy as philosophy itself)
battlestarre: (or as i see it...)
ServusDraconis: Yes.
ServusDraconis: Indeed!
ServusDraconis: There are four areas of the human intellect.
ServusDraconis: History, Art, Science, and Philosophy.
ServusDraconis: History is the actual.
ServusDraconis: Art is the possible.
ServusDraconis: Science is the probable.
ServusDraconis: And Philosophy is the desirable.
battlestarre: and despite how i despise the insistance of progressiveness, i admit i am a part of it and contribute to it. i abhor anyone who simply lives only for themselves. but that is only appropriate for what we have been taught in such a young society.
battlestarre: i often wonder, in fact, believe that animals have similar societies, however, they feel it's unnecessary to actually build durable homes. they're intelligent to see that avoidence of natural disasters is impossible, and they're, in fact, necessary for the ecosystem to thrive.
battlestarre: i get the feeling they're laughing at our insecurities about the ability to live, the fact that we keep our weakest alive.
ServusDraconis: Yes.
battlestarre: and that we would attempt to sabotage ourselves while we live in such a pillowed world.
ServusDraconis: I admit I would do almost anything to avoid death.
ServusDraconis: Define progressiveness.
battlestarre: "life must be nice when you dont have lions chasing you ten miles til you drop from exhaustion." "yea...too bad they forgot what that's like."
battlestarre: that's the thing. is progress what humans have created? or is it keeping the creme of your species alive, creating a stronger, more resilient species?
battlestarre: it's a question i constatly struggle with.
battlestarre: constantly
battlestarre: society commonly defines "civilization" or the building of buildings and creating of interlocking residences and businesses as progress
battlestarre: however, while we are finding more ways to defend ourselves from the "wild", we're also ending up wiht mroe ways to harm ourselves
battlestarre: humans can be defined like the rings placed ceremoniously around a woman's neck in some african tribes. they build until they are hte only support, and if you took them off, the neck, which was once made solely for supporting, can no longer do even that.
ServusDraconis: Philosophy fascinates me.
ServusDraconis: Yet I try to leave it to the philosophers.
battlestarre: i dont even see it as philosophy. it blends in with sociology and psychology and science for me.
battlestarre: and you cant have any of that without history.
ServusDraconis: I'm just trying to help as many people as possible to live rich, meaningful, lives.
battlestarre: that's why i love learning
battlestarre: and art without history doesnt exist, nor history without art
ServusDraconis: I am the same way.
ServusDraconis: Yes.

ServusDraconis: Did you know that General Eisenhower didn't go to college, yet he read all kinds of books and educated himself.
ServusDraconis: And his mastery of the battlefield was gleaned from reading things like Thucydides and Caesar.
ServusDraconis: He believed that he was re-incarnated from warriors who fought and died in these battles.
battlestarre: no, but that's interesting. if we didnt need the fuckin' paperwork to get good jobs, i wouldnt go to school either. i'd rather learn faster tahn we do in school
ServusDraconis: Yes.
battlestarre: school is now purely an institution to instill behaviour that is appropiate to society.
ServusDraconis: I agree.
ServusDraconis: It used to exist to create a societal elite, but no longer.
ServusDraconis: Not since "capitalism" and "socialism" took over.
ServusDraconis: Now everyone is the same.
battlestarre: i disagree, to a certain extent.
battlestarre: everyone has the same ability to learn. honestly, i dont believe that the majority of people who have learning disorders really do, it's just they weren't taught to "learn" the same way the other half of the kids were.
battlestarre: i think everyone has the right to learn, despite the fact that it's a strictly vain attempt at progressing.
ServusDraconis: Yes, and by giving "everyone" that right, it drains much of the sustenance of the idea of higher education.
ServusDraconis: Because the masses take advantage of it, and pass the system's requirements without actually becoming more educated individuals.

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 24 April :: 10.49 pm

so tonight kristen and mushroom came over. we were sewing...or trying to for a bit. my mum and brother decided to get sushi...and decided to have a family dinner...so they went home...

well, lemme tell you about this family dinner...

mum wouldnt let us talk because she wanted to watch twenty-four...so tyler and i were laughing about that. he asked, "so where's the part where we talk about our days?"

then they were talking about someone they saw at sushi masa, the restaurant we got our food at. and my mum didnt understand that i knew who she was talking about and that it's the same person's family who owns silk manderin. so she kept talking about it and tyler was like...ok, she gets it. watch twenty four. and she started talking about how she was going to go in the garage, but the reaosn we were watching in the house is because it was tivo'd there as opposed to the garage, where it was over. so she started throwing a fit

and left the room. what news, eh?

but whatever.

my monologue went strangely. i was so worried that i had underprepared and i didnt know it well enough, but strangely, i was in the group of more memorized ones. one girl didnt even try. she was avoiding it because she's terrible at memorizing...which is the most ridiculous excuse i've ever heard. why wouldn't you even try? the fact that it was more difficult made me try harder to get it down...because i know im not so great at memorization.

regardless...it was just the first thing and we have to continue working on it for the rest of the semester. woo. mine's depressing as hell, too. oh well...i actually just found a few things to relate to my own life and character. interesting, i suppose.

amanda finally gave me the bright eyes cds...but neither of them have bowl of oranges on them...and just hearing his voice made it get stuck in my head. but dont worry...i found it on radio blog club.

so i'm mostly carefree right now...im just paranoid that someone's mad at me or i did something wrong...it's a bit guiltifying, really.

kristen and i have been working hardcore on our costumes...it's going ot be fun. and im going to come back saturday night for patrice's party. it's going to be an awesome weekend.


:: 2006 18 April :: 8.30 am

i haven't actually made a real post in here in forever.
class was cancelled. life is busy but boring. wake up-drive-yellow line-purple/red line-class-class-red line-yellow line-drive-home-eat-change-drive-work-break-work-eat-drive-sleep...start over. Read more..

i dont even know what time my next class starts. 9:30? 10?

click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click
but iuno wha to put there you could put a blue background just a ... hah hah ha h ah
clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack clack
click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click
.................bing bing.......................................bing bing
..............................vvverer vverer

life is interesting in the library...


:: 2006 16 April :: 8.37 pm

im going to rant about god. im going to lay it straight out: i believe god is an idea that humans created to explain exsistance. it's straightforward, i think. i have yet to have someone really full-out argue with me. i think we've reached a point in our culture that it's completely acceptable to "believe" in god, but still doubt the idea. outside of church anyway.
patrice and i were discussing fate. some people argue that god has control over everything and from the moment we're born, knows our mistakes and successes and the moment we'll die (q related this theory to playing the sims ::click:: write rant about god ::click::). however, there are other's who believe god only initiates life, which would be the domino effect; flick the first and watch the rest fall.
the thing that kinda gets to me is not the indecision among the human race, nor the insistant denial by those i've talked to (because, as i said, most agree), but the fact that someone can say...yea, i suppose i look at it the same way, but later, in the same sentance, can say...im going to church, but im probably going to burn when i walk in the door.
do you sense the confusion in this person's head? sadly, this happens a lot.

8 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 2 April :: 4.31 pm

sleeeeeeeeeeep would be reaaaaally nice...


:: 2005 29 October :: 2.54 pm

No where is safe. they're like cheering zombies, squeezing between and smashing against each other mindlessly, collecting confettis from the ground and watching in amazement as paper falls. PAPER! Covering everything, like snow! and screams and yells fill the spaces not yet occupied by the adreniline filled bodies. and all around me they are eating! Stuffing their mouths and talking of victory as an army would, unconcerned with decency.


:: 2006 24 March :: 1.06 pm

it's strange, hanging out with my brother. i quite like it, but it's weird. i feel bad because everytime, i dont have monies and so he pays. i plan to pay him back though. im going to take different bills and fold and roll them and create a little city of htem. it'll be super awesome.

patrice and i took a road trip and ill put the story of that up as soon as im done with it. that's pretty much it.


:: 2006 14 March :: 6.15 pm

i went back to smdp on friday wiht my mum. i went because i got free lunch out of the deal. for once, i felt like my mum was proud of me, however, not for the sake of being proud but rather to prove everyone wrong about me. they knew i got bad grades and was always late, so in an adult's eyes, i was not going anywhere. my mum took liberties with the short sentance "she sold a painting". surely, it's an accomplishment, to an extend, but it was bragging. i purposely try not to brag cuz i hate it. my old math teacher is now the principal and said he has a whole wall to fill if i want to paint him something. "something religious", but even mr. lally isnt religious...and if i did do something religious, i can guarentee it would not be a happy baby jesus or symbolic suffering.

beside that though, my week was hectic as hell. just trains being late and leaving late and locking my keys in the car at a parking garage and bleeding all over my pants so that i had to leave right after my first class. but my midterm was easy and this week isnt too bad, just lots of stuff to do.

spring break is soon. im working during the weekend and during the week im supposed to go apt shopping with trixy and make cheese and peas with her, too.


:: 2006 12 March :: 5.24 pm

Carl Jung, within his archetypal theory, posed that the self holds more importance than any other archetype. He illustrated this by several symbols originated worldwide represented the self because, when looking at these symbols, one's eyes are drawn to the center. Read more..

1 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 5 March :: 11.05 am

so it's blaringly clear that it's that time of the month, however, i still have not been visited by my friend. i asked my mum to go to the doctor and she said she'd make an appointment. so ill update on that in a bit.

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 24 February :: 3.36 pm
:: Music: q101

i miss journaling. i just ate pizzas! woo! i exercised today. i might make myself run tnt. maybe. i have to work, then am supposed to hang out with ian again, but i dont really want to. id rather just chill at the restaurant and then come home.
i saw the vhhs musical, anything goes, last night. it was better than i thought, not because of the acting, because of the show itself. although, i suppose it wouldnt have lasted if it didnt have entertainment quality. i sort of wish i could be on stage once, to hear people laugh at something i've said. or to have them caught up in a world that doesnt exist. but i'd probably abandon my rehearsals for crew. lol

im doing crew for amadeus. i asked phelan. patrice, you should, too. i worry that ill take opportunites away from the younger kids though. like, if spencer and hul had come back, we would've never had our opportunity to show ourselves. but i get ec for it for makeup, and ill probably only go three nights a week. two if they take off fridays. i miss it so much though.

i've decided on putting at least ten percent of every check in the bank for paying back my loans. more if i can. but it's going to be put in immediately. im budgeting. ish.

i never got those boots i wanted because my calves are too frickin gigantic...although, i didnt think about trying on a ten. maybe ill do that. ::shrugs:: i like them.


:: 2006 14 February :: 1.50 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

so...im going to do some mass typing. im sorry if you actually try to get through these...i wrote them all on the train and i want to put them in here. i wish i had a laptop so that i could just type it on the train. it would go so much faster. and in case you hadnt noticed, my internet is back up! woo! the stuff in green is going to be stuff about people on the train, stuff that isnt all that important, although it may lead so something in the white that is about me, and unless you've recently spoken to me or read my mind, probably dont know.

Train Entry One
The man in front of the other writes in red pen on a printed paper. He has a phone on his right ear. He picks his nose with his pinky. He has a striped blue and white polo on; Skipper style. He rechecks his bag; a portfolio briefcase. A greenish-brown trench coat, slightly balding, thin brown hair. Holds phone awkwardly.

"Then we'll supplement it. And we can talk then about how it...Right, sure. Right. Right. Okay. Okay! That'd be great. What uh, what uh...at your office. Oh, that's right. Okay, I'll do that for you...you don't think it makes sense...supplement...okay, yeah. Thanks. ::click::"

He's texting. Back to his stack of papers: flip, flip so delicatly. Chews nails...mmm, eating it. Needs more. Looks good, sir.

I'd rather be writing about the man across from me. "Fuck!" he said as he threw down his bag. He breathed heavily and the train began to move. He took out his Ipod and swore again and smacked it's shiny, white plastic. He turned his head to put the buds in his ears, first the right, then the left. Next, he produced a Subway sandwich. He’d flipped the seat in front of him to form a table. He spread the paper out and opened his cheese chips bad. He rigidly ate it, keeping his back straight. Yet, he was {something that isn’t a word}. He ate the chips one by one, but speedily. He finished the sandwich and squished the wrapper into a ball. He drank his Orange Crush with a straw. A preposterous motion that reminds me of eating pizza with a fork and knife. Eventually came a candy bar, which he ate rigidly, too, however, he stared out the window. Precisely the moment he finished, he produced a small, unidentifiable object. He opened a valve and blew into it. Ah, a neck pillow. He still has not removed his awful turtle shell-framed sunglasses. Ha, he relaxes. His shoes are off, he lounges with his feet on the opposing seat. He reads the Wall Street Journal. Khaki pants, white button-down shirt, brown belt, black socks, but brown shoes…not a complete travesty; he doesn’t have brown golfer socks.

Train Entry Two
Seven stops ‘til mine. I've just finished an entertaining short story from a book written in ’67 of contemporary stories. However, it was written sometime between 1900-’20. I caught this kid kiddy corner to me glancing at me. Understandably, of course, cuz I must say, my eys have been taking glances at him as well. He sips his jamba juice and is semi-reading a magazine with a title, from what I can read, can only be inferred as Giant Robots. He’s not spectacularly interesting, but that’s part of the allure, I suppose. The lady in front of him is about thirty-two and her name is Jennifer. She has a pleasantly fake demeanor. Above them is a silent, but interesting girl who appears to be drawing. At first, I was confused as to her gender, but then she was looking out the window. Oh, my writing is atrocious. I came up with an idea. Perhaps one that would be best noted in film form, but a challenge to write; I think I’ll try it. I constantly observe people anyway, like the way the older couple in front of me match in burgundy sweaters or the sociology and chemistry student who has been talking to the kid across the aisle about her classes. He responded with a slight Russian accent. Above is a man who was yelling on the phone in Spanish, although I was confused as to where it came from at first. How simply interesting everyone else is and how dully boring I am. I make observations between my friends and I, but they are relationships about which I couldn’t possibly write about; they have no story to which I could find the beginning and the end.

So my idea is to write of the train and convos I hear. Then, I’ll invent small stories, Shelock Holmes style. Perhaps that’s what Sir Arthur Conan O’Doyle began doing.
Questioning whether the old couple discussed wearing burgundy today. Or if the woman intends her pleasant bullshit. It may be that the boy that just exited the train, the boy who has left my life forever, was just as interesting in my as I had been in him and his magazine.
He’s putting eye drops in her eye. I wonder if she turns up his hearing aid.
Strange. A Barbie Jeep in a bike rack. A funny picture it is to see a business man dressed for work riding on the sidewalk and parking his daughter’s Jeep there. Perhaps an example of never growing up…a good ad for Disneyworld, eh? You can be an adult and do adult things, but don’t forget to have as much fun as a kid on the way there.
The man is holding plastic on his nose. It looks like a bib from Bob Chin’s. Oh, an ice pack. A sinus infection?
Ah, my stop.

Train Entry Three
I picked up my stuff instead of sleeping, but no one is too terribly interesting that I have to write about them. The girl is reading Intro to Information Technology. She has an orange highlighter. My mind is pretty blank, actually. I was just thinking how, despite how fundamental the idea is, Patrice is like a dog that licks your face and sits beside you when you cry. That’s why people easily return to her after their spurt of deciding someone self is more interesting for a time. I do pity her for that, because it’s quite the painful commodity to have: ditched and regained after the other has lost interest. For once, I notice it in myself and add it to the list, rather than exclude myself. So I feel particularly horrible to be a burden and such, because I know it’s not the last time, but I feel bashfully grateful for her care. I don’t consider myself “wounded” in the least from Justin, but rather “off-track”. I've strayed and she’s a kind, familiar map that’s always in my pocket and I know so, but sometimes I grow immune to the presence. That’s something that really goes for the lot of my friends: the immunity, and so, I apologize. Kristen’s my warning sign, a reflector-coated neon-coated roadblock updater. I also owe her an apology for not listening to her warnings because she’s consistently right. I know I should feel lost, because I am, but at the same time, I’m remotely comfortable with the position.
As if the constant, intangible debt and guilt is not enough, I am in monetary debt of either party as well. I have a job, so money will come soon, but there are things I want. I know stress will soon bear down on me too much and I will need protective services in my vulnerability, although I will refuse to admit it. One stop. G’day.

Train Entry Four
I know I should do my chem. But I've though so much since 11:03AM (it’s 11:37). I was drawing with my dry erase marker and I organized my binder. I have a paper due Thursday. (“Tickets, please!” that reminds me-I got a ticket in front of Patrice’; that’s $75 on top of the $105.50 I owe for skipped tolls. Way to go, Jorie.) The girl behind me is asking her friend questions that intrigue me as to what her response could be. She told her she was being a hypocrite and things I related to my own stupidity with Justin; how could I be so dumb for so long? I suppose it’s all about the picture you’re standing so close to that you see a small portion that’s so beautiful, you won’t let your friends pull you back to see how hideous the entire thing is. Your perception is warped when you’re that close.

“I think you’re naďve. I think you don’t know. No-that james lies.”

Wow, that’s honesty.
Oh, why did I start thinking? Yes. I saw justin’s mum. She didn’t say hi or anything when I smiled at her. I wonder if she knows. I know and accept everything that happened and I sort of feel like I’m hiding from it. Seeing her is like synchronicity. That Carl Jung is a silly bitch.
Patrice gave me a valentine. I want to make her something. Maybe a secret admirer thing, lol.
Know what drives me nuts? Donut. DONUT?! HOW PRIMITIVELY LAZY!!! THE WORD IS DOUGHNUT! In fourth grade, we had to correct ssentances for spelling and grammar everyday. That was one of those words! What is a nut? A pit; a center of a fruit. A doughnut is a ring of dough, missing its nut. That’s logical, although more so would be nutless dough, but then there’s evolution of the word. Donut, on the other hand- DO?! Do can be pronounced dū, in which case, it’s a verb. Dō can be a musical tool for tuning one’s voice, however, DO-NUT makes no logical sense! I've seen it twice today and it’s lazy! T hat’s like writing BAL-A on your building because it’s shorter. Or the online slang used on a building. And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for being different, so whomever was first to say, “Hey, I’m not going to label my joint by what I sell, but make it recognizable by the spelling,” the way corporationsdo with colour and placement, but donut is now socially acceptable to the point where I had an argument with someone who insisted that donut was correct.
“What’s up, my home skillets? &hearts Chica 2/10/06”

Sorry, I know it was a pointless rant but it is a reflection of how easily society is swayed, my opinions of which are persuaded by V for Vendetta as well as sociology class.
Gosh, I've written a lot. I sort of miss Ian and Zak. I’m afraid to see them because of Justin’s influence on them. He’s very persuasive.
On the other hand, most everyone seems to like me at Yardhouse. However, none of which are probably friend quality, as far as I can tell. Amanda’s going to apply, so that’ll be cool.
I've been hanging out with Trix. Oh, I love Patrice! I just hope she doesn’t get annoyed or anything. I want to hang out with Kristen, too, but she’s crew and I have work and school, so there’s NEVER time. I’m done-
Golf, that’s the line into the knowledgeable. Glenview. I’m glad I don’t have to work today.


:: 2006 28 January :: 6.30 pm
:: Music: the strokes-"juicebox"

we didnt actually go apartment shopping. patrices mummy had an appointment and then it was too late. so we're supposed to go next week. i made oatmeal pancakes! :)

i went to orientation today at yardhouse. my shirt is a small but it goes past my butt...it's like a dress. so i admit, im never out now. it's a little boring, so i cant wait for work to be all the time. ::sigh::

i have to write a paper before tuesday and my homework for monday is to feel my face. lol. i have to find the bones and the highlights and shadows in my face so that when we do "corrective" stage-makeup, we can understand where to draw lines and how much to blend. but i've done that before for drawing, so im not too worried...

heh...this song is called "juicebox". that actually sounds really good... maybe ill watch a movie...then ill run once my food's partially digested.

that's all. :)


:: 2006 26 January :: 9.06 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Urinetown - It's a Privilege to Pee

This Last Week
i got urinetown! wooo!

tomorrow, trix and i are going to look at apartments! woo!

i got the job at yardhouse. Eight dollars an hour. twenty hours a week. that's one-sixty a week. times four is six-forty. that's a lot! woo!

i like my classes. mondays and wednesdays i go from acting to stage makeup (and on wed to molecules in art and life {chemistry}) and then tuesday and thursday i go to theories of personality (psychology) and sociology. im satisfied. :)

um...i've not been hanging out with justin since the stabbing. Read more..

That's the same thing as my xanga, if you've already read it.


:: 2006 16 January :: 7.54 pm

alright. im cleaning things out. im going to go through my journal and anything about justin is going to be printed and read. ill reassess my stupidity and consider dropping him. in fact, liking him has been considered by far. i dont think i care to drop him as a friend right now, although it's probably going to happen if i move to chicago with patrice ::crosses fingers and hopes really hard::

im angry. the library doesnt have any bright eyes or the other interpol cd in right now and best buy doesnt have bright eyes at all. :(


:: 2006 15 January :: 3.19 pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: "mistakes"-godsmack

last night i spent the night at patrices, which i know i've written about in here. it's always an awakening/realisation/relaxation/hope refiller. patrice is just great. i love her so much.

we discussed how awful it'd be to be stuck in a college campus with only college kids. we discussed moving downtown together. it'd be loads of fun and we could get along and stuff, as proved by our week at ryans.

it's sad. i realised that if i wanted to stop hanging out with justin and zak, id be left with kristen and patrice, which i dont mind. but it'd mostly be kristen, who i also love, but when it's only two of you, it's your ideas just bounced back and forth and no reformation after a while because you tend to adjust just to each other. it happend with jen and i kinda hate it. and there's patrice, but her and i have the same issue. she hates when ryans not around cuz it's like she's invading my space, which it doesnt feel like at all, but it's the same with me. i'd feel badly cuz i always feel like ryan doesnt want me around, even though i've been told otherwise.

i suppose it's a self-esteem issue, but everyone has those, right?

i talked to some friends from grade school recently. it makes me really glad i stopped hanging out with them. some of them are so shallow and others conceited and others so confused with themselves that they dont know which way to walk to their bed when it's right in front of them.

i suppose im the same way though. i know i can be egotistical and forceful and controlling and shallow and evil and soulless...but at the same time i know i cant be so awful because people still talk to me...im sure they arent that desperate.

so thanks for putting up with me, guys. im going to hang out with the buttface and ryan now. we're going shoe shopping! woo!

g'day, then!

3 three drinks behind | martini?

:: 2006 11 January :: 3.03 pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Avenged Sevenfold-"Bat Country"


I've been watching videos. Currently, the used "in love and death" and it has clockwork orange references! :) And I like my chemical romance videos. You should check out bright eyes "bowl of oranges". And I hate simple plan. A lot. You should list to Interpol, though. I’m listening to evil now. I like their lyrics and his voice.

I’m going to go buy some pants at Carson’s, assuming I can find some for less than twenty dollars...it's sort of a pointless search, eh? Oh, well. Something to do.

So we've discovered that Justin has an insane amount of jealousy when I go near another guy. I love knowing when someone cares, but you know how easy it is to say and show it? It’s so much harder to hide it...it's nice to know he cares. It isn’t even just other guys. He’s so protective of me, as if he's afraid ill get hurt. And he gets angry with anything he doesn’t like...and Zak pointed out that he expects a lot more from me than anyone else. By the way, this isn’t me getting my hopes up so much as feeling this strange sense of victory.
It seems kind of bad to feel like I’ve won something, but I seem to be altering the people with whom I’m hanging out. They’re just tiny things but it's satisfying to see some ramifications streaming from me. It makes me feel like I have some importance.
Of course, that also means that I’ve been changed. But I don’t mind so much; I honestly don’t think I could come out of a friendship unchanged. And contrary to what some people think, I don’t think that they are all bad changes. And I’m also not the only one changing. I think it’s a fear. As if changing the places you go and the people you hang out with isn’t enough, changing habits and beliefs is tough to accept.

I just realized: I don’t even know what complacent means. It’s okie. Ill look it up before I post. Yes, I’m right.



:: 2005 29 December :: 11.22 am

and yet another dream this morning.

i went to a small shop, boutique like, somewhat like i remember all the ocean-side shops being in florida. i couldnt even tell you exactly what it sold...but i couldnt find wht i was desperately searching for. it didnt worry me though, so i just browsed. i remember old people sweaters and shiny leotards being sold. i watched some guy for a bit...then walked over to a middle table. the guy who worked there asked if i needed help. the scene changed; i was working there. i was fixing some stuff and then he said i should go help them. them was ashley grebe and a couple other people i didnt know. ashley was on a ladder putting something on the wall, which at first i thought was a display, until a guy took down the shelf to dust it off. ashley had been standing on it, however, but rather than falling, she held on to...the wall. i asked how she did it and she said, im just holding on. when she eventually came down, she shook her fingers through her hair which i thought would make it puff, but it just went back to pretty curls. i think that's about it.


:: 2005 28 December :: 10.49 am
:: Mood: blank

i dont remember the two when zak was over,
but then the night before last:

i was walking up a grassy hill with a chainlink fence to my right. i looked over the fence and (on the other side, the hill fell about three stories) there's a road. on the other side of the road was yet another chain link fence, which then led into the depaul campus. i came upon a tree on my left, and i was looking at all the buildings of the campus. they had blue roofs. i saw a bottle of laundry detergent hanging on the tree (All brand). i got angry that someone would put it there and so threw it over the fence. i watched it almost hit one of the group of girls standing outside the campus, then quickly backed away because i knew my white shirt would be seen. i started to run, but i couldnt go fast enough. i figured it was just the grass, so when i got to the asphalt and it wasnt any easier, i took off my shoes. the running didnt get easier. but soon, there were a lot of cars in sight and the ocean. i was coming to a dock. but then i woke up.

Then this morning, about a half hour ago:

i lived in a dorm room with 4(?) other people. i woke up and my roommates told me that we'd had some people who think they live in our room. soon enough, they came in. they're all black, girls and guys. the first comment that is made by one of them is a derogatory white people comment (i dont remember it). i got angry and was like "woah, buddy. if we're going to solve this problem, we have to get something straight first". i held my arm up to his and began to tell him that "colour is not an issue, because there are different shades even within our own races" and the picture changed to his friend and that guys girlfriend, who're laying on the couch together. He agreed, and we began to discuss the dorm itself. we argued that we had been there first, and they had just arrived. he said, "yea, but we've definatly made home". picture switches to a picture frame with the lot of them in it. so we worked on figuring out how they even got a key. they were handed it and i made the brilliant connection that they were going to kick us out, which we knew the reason for, but i cant remember now. so we were happy in the room and whatever. then the dream switched to another room. i was in the back, against a wall, but there was music playing and people dancing. i acknowledged the fact that only white people were dancing until shannon green got up and joined them. i started to try to text someone but i couldnt get a signal and once i had chosen my recipient and typed the message, i decided to change recipients.


:: 2005 26 December :: 2.14 pm

Okie. so we've finally finished opening presents! This is what I received!

Read more..



:: 2005 22 December :: 3.29 pm

This morning, i had a strange dream.

i was on an airplane for a school trip (?), and for some reason, it never lifted off the ground. i was no longer on the plane, and upon being fifty or so feet away, i realised it was under a bridge on the beach of the lake (?). i knew that the plane would soon blow up, and began to run. The plane blew up, the bridge above it crumbled, the ground cracked down the beach, and half the city shook. i turned around when the explosion finished. the plane was upside-down, the bridge ended just over the water, and i was overcome with worry for katie(?), who was inside the plane. i ran over, screaming for her. i opened the door and saw her face with someone elses. i tried to communicate that she needed to get out, and someone was huge enough to pick up the plane and try to shake her out, with no go. her father had already exited the plane, and we decided that he, unharmed, should get the people inside. she finally came out; no one died, but our biggest deal was that the school projects had all been ruined.


:: 2005 19 December :: 11.53 pm
:: Mood: calm

i am pleasantly thoughtless.


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