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But everytime i hate you, i think of you first.

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:: 2005 10 July :: 12.13 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Wish you were here - Pink Floyd

Tell me that I changed you somehow
I havent written in this thing in forever. I guess you can say i've been to caught up in my own life. To caught up with change, with new faces, and old faces who return into my life like they never left if the first place. Jimmy's moving in 3 weeks. We broke up, and he just stopped talking to me, like i ment nothing to him. I wonder how many heart breaks i will have to go through to find the right guy. But i learn from them all. I take things to seriously i guess. Alot has changed this year. Alot always changes, its scary to look back and see how i was, and how i am. I miss my past. I miss my ryan, how can she call you hers, when you were mine for so long. I havent thought about him in so long, but i hung out with his friend the other night, and it made me miss him, and it made me sad how he wasn' t with us. He made me so happy, i dont think any guy has ever made me that happy..ever. I wish i could hold you again, just for one night, just lay next to you and smell that scent of yours, just look in your eyes, as you look into mine. You changed me, and i will love you forever and ever. I hope i made an impact on your life, i hope you will never forget me, and i hope you will look back and realize one day how much you hurt me, and what we could have had. I cant say i need you anymore, because ive grown to live without you, which i never thought i would be able to do. I have moved on with my life, but every now and then, i see something that reminds me of you, and i think of all the good times weve had. I miss you baby, and i wish you still talked to me, but i no that things are very different now. You made me unbeleliveibly happy at one point in my life, and you and i have some great memories. As do me and dave, and me and jimmy, and all the other guys ive had actual feelings for. I dont kno why im writing in here, maybe so i can read it a few months from now...and get all sad and start thinking, like i am now. But whatever happens in the future, i will always love you..forever and ever
"promise me. that's all I want. just a promise that you'll never forget me. tell me that I changed you somehow. let me know that I had an impact on your life. promise me that you will always remember me. losing you was hard enough, but I don't want to go on knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you"

1 you need me like a bad habbit | just go on and say it

:: 2005 30 March :: 6.42 pm

i hate my body i hate my life i hate how i am..i hate how i cant change it, i hate the fact i alwayas have to do something wrong, why cant you love me like i lvoe you, because i hate the fact you never could love me back. maybe i need you right now, because i need someone who makes me feel alright again. its been so long since ive felt your touch, sometimes i swear i smell what you used to smell like. i dunno, maybe im crazy, or maybe im just crazy for you. sometimes i wonder if everything will ever just be ok, because lately everything just seems like its going wrong. thinking to much makes me real depressed..or maybe its the pills??? so why tha fuck do i think to much..i dont think its normal.

but i cant tell you from the drugs..

1 you need me like a bad habbit | just go on and say it

:: 2005 29 March :: 7.47 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore the real me

And I thought that I found myself today
And I thought that I had control
All the change in my life just fell away
For a moment I didn't need you

All these tears that I've cried you must be tired of
Taking care of me but
It's what you do best and I'm a liar cuz
Really it's what I need

Someone like you
Someone like me
Maybe it's change
That sets you free

just go on and say it

:: 2005 26 March :: 10.15 am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: walk away

Thursday was our friday this week. So me katie and kelc went to stop n shop, me and kelc got out checks and then we went to hollywood video and rented some movies, then went back to kelcs and we watched saw, and then cozzy mikeyb and martin called n we met them at honeyfarms. Then we got what we needed haha and went back to kelcs and watched some more of the movie. Then at like 1 we met them again n they had captins..or something like captins ...haha and then we went back to kelcs watched more movies and slept.

friday i went over jimmys :o). we got subs and watched tv n i watched him play basketball..oh yes fun lol then yea..so i got picked up n came home and watched tv n then i was like half asleep n my phone was ringing at like 130 n it was ryan..? n he was like come meet me outside im driving around in natick n iwanna see u?..n i new something was up cuz why the fuck would he randomly call and want to see me. so i was like i cant n he was like oh well maybe another time..i wish i new what he was up too. yea so today i have work 12-6..ew...but tomorrows easter and i get to see my family and eat lots of food..which is awesome :o).

write later.

just go on and say it

:: 2005 24 March :: 5.17 pm


just go on and say it

:: 2005 20 March :: 8.58 am
:: Mood: accomplished

Yea so its wicked earily. My sister and my mom went to church for palm sunday or w.e. I kinda feel bad im not going..but oh well. Im eating fruity-pebbles :o) YUM! haha. So i decided that im gunna start saving all of my pay-checks in a jar or something of the sort, so i can save up for my car...and i wont spend the money unless its really really important.

..well see how long that little plan is going to work for.

Good new though, ITS ALMOST SPRING! woo hoo, i can't wait until all the stupid snow melts and we finally have some nice weather. Ugh but i have to work today..12:30 till 5, thank god lol. Jimmy came to visit me yesturday..haha he was with joe and uh..i 4get the other kids name lol, but joe always comes cuz he lives near stop n shop neways.

Read more..

write more later..<3

just go on and say it

:: 2005 19 March :: 12.01 pm
:: Music: suger suger

i hate change, i don't no why i write in this thing anymore, i dont really have anything to say anymore i guess, and its just like im talking to myself because nobody reads it anyways. I think i still write in it because i always used to write in my old one, so its kinda like something from the past that i dont want to let go of. Just like many other things, all i have to do is accept that things change, i just don't want them too. It's funny how music reminds me of things, like trapt reminds me of ryan maclean and his weird friend that was obsessed with me haha. and forever reminds me of katie amanda and kelsey, when we sang thing Howies basement with the poolsticks. and played flashlight tag all the time. Then we met new friends from framingham, like danny and joe ( i saw him last night )..ryan maclean and justin, and we just kind of forgot about howie and them. I remember i was so obsessed with ryan mazlean for so long..haha and we had chicken fights in dug pond..and he had sponge-bob shoe-lases. aw.. then kelsey and amanda got in a huge fight over justin..lol and then i guess when school started we kinda stopped talking to them too. Then..i met ryan f..and if you no me at all, im sure i dont have to say anything about him. When i first met him i was with amanda and he was friends with her and we went to love-sac and he was all juggalo and i was like wow hes odd..yet hot. So then much later on..i was at the mall and he asked to use my cell phone to call his house and i was like alright and that was the night kelsey lost her purse so her and amanda..or kt? i dunno hwo was with us but they were looking for it and i was outside with ryan and then he was like well thanks for letting me use your phone and i was like np. so then i saw him again and he was with his friend sean, and i was leaving so i said bye and then i was going down the escalator and he ran down and was like can i get a hug..and i was like sure, and so i hugged him. and he was like so can i have a kiss..and we were kissing and the mall cap was like come on move along now haha. Then after that night..everything changed, he had me completely, and he new he did too. We hung out alot, and everything was so perfect. Then we got in a fight, and we didnt talk for months, then on christmas he wanted to hang out..so i snuck out of my house wicked late and he had his grandmas car so we drove around..and ya no..yea :)..ill never ever forget that night. We got in many fights..and i used to yell at him about not caring enough, and he always had excuses for being the way he was..but then on valentines day he asked me out and drove to my house and gave me flowers..and we went out to dinner and stuff..<3 Then a few weeks later i found out he was cheating on me with some fuckin slut..who was like 19..ICK. So we broke up..and didnt talk for a very long time. Then at the end of last years school year we went out again..for the longest we ever went out..and it was so perfect..like every single thing was inplace and i didnt care about anything else because he made everything seem right. Then he met some chick lindsey at a party while i was in NH..and i guess they hit it off and went out..while he was going out with me...so he lied to me and said he was going threw something in his life, and he just couldnt have a g.f right now, and i new that he was going out with lindsey..but yea..they've been going out ever since..and still are ..thats mad long for ryan to go out with someone. But i guess im happier now..not exactly, but i no im better off..well i have to go to work n ish now write later.

2 you need me like a bad habbit | just go on and say it

:: 2005 14 March :: 9.18 pm
:: Mood: happy

aw <333 jimmy came over tonight, he makes me so happy :)

just go on and say it

:: 2005 13 March :: 6.07 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: drugs dont work - the verve

So today's me and Jimmy's 2 months <3. yay..i didnt think we would last this long, but im glad we did. I like him alot..well sometimes, sometimes he can be an asshole, but then again so can everyone. I need a cigarette..infact, i need a pack of cigarettes, which blows because i think anyone should definately be able to buy them, i mean odviously its not stoping people from smoking so why dont they just let anyone buy them. STUPID PEOPLE! erg. Well back to school tomorrow..ew, but then on Thursday we have a half day, and its st. pats day which means i have to find a way to get drunk.. this is gunna be interusting.

Dearest helpless
Intent's not as bad as the action
Take a breath to distort
The fear in your eyes
I don't mean it to hurt
But every time I hate you
I think of you first
He's made you blind
You're better on your own
I'm just the kind to bring you down
Equalize the pressure, it's all too much
Sex drugs and image is just enough
To get you by in the real world
He's made you blind
You're better on your own
I'm just the kind to bring you down
He's made you blind
I'm just the kind
To bring you, to bring you...
He's made you blind
You're better on your own
I'm just the kind
To bring you down

just go on and say it

:: 2005 12 March :: 9.09 pm
:: Mood: apathetic

Read more..

"Black night sitting heavy all around.
I got a mind full of heartaches and hand me downs.
I got a freight train screaming inside my head,
that says "You can't find love in a stranger's bed."
And my mouth is full of all the words that I wish I had said.
It's so much harder now,
that the blues skies have gone away.
I wish, I had just one more day.
Whiskey like water, flowing down a drain
and I'm wasted as a candle in a hurricane.
But, you can't stop something that's this far gone.
Goodbyes are easier than I was wrongs
and suicide ain't a matter of degree."

just go on and say it

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