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godessalthena

:: 2021 9 December :: 1.53pm

I have a sudden urge to watch a shot at love 2 with Tila tequila

2 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 6 December :: 4.47am

it's funny how fast this disintegrated. it's funny how I'm always the one left holding the rope.

it's funny that I always go after addicted narcissists.

it's funny how no one can really love me.

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 3 December :: 8.12am

how could lil amelia ever know this is how big amelia would be?

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 3 December :: 6.27am

life is an empty picture frame. no memories worth keeping, no memories worth making.

nothing matters. life is absurd. I just want to set myself on fire and watch as I turn to ash.

what is the point to all of this? my purpose in life is to push pencils and make money for soulless corporations. there is nothing bigger. the struggle against the machine is futile.

it all doesn't fucking matter.

so why am I so paralyzed

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.44am

a rusty old ghost, in a broken down machine

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 29 November :: 4.04am

been up since 3am, slept like shit. getting as high as I possibly can so I can stop crying.

I just need someone to talk to, but no one is around. don't have my car and stuck with these fucking mongrels.

I'm tires of feeling unimportant I'm tired of sleeping alone even though I'm with you.

I'm yet again just a bank account, a cold unfeeling ATM that needs some tender love and care.

I should have done more to keep Corry alive. if he hadn't died, this spiral would have started so early.. maybe we could have weathered the storms a little better if you were still here. I got you to the hospital and then I fucking abandoned you like a fucking yellowbelly rat.

I'm so so sorry. and I'll never get to tell you that. and you wint know. you won't know...

I feel so lost. 12 years of my life wasted with narcissistic alcoholics. I definitely have a type. and I'm really over it. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life then risk another mistake.

I'm such a half assed fuck up. thanks mom n dad for always loving me, no matter what stupid fucking mistakes I've made. I don't deserve you

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 18 November :: 8.35am
:: Music: baroness

first inside show since the pandemic started and it was hopping

very small crowd very intimate and very bad ass

I'm glad we went, it was just what we needed

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 3 November :: 9.14am

what's your favorite pass time?

mine is sleep

1 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 21 September :: 10.35am

another rejection.

we get what we deserve.

trash deserves to be burned

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 20 September :: 1.26pm

I just want to hear back about this job

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 29 August :: 12.45pm
:: Music: sleep

an open letter to the people in my life
spinning in place, hurdling thru eternity, being painfully aware of the absurdity of life, and consciousness..

I'm thankful I'm on my journey with the people I am. even if we haven't actually met. it means so much that you all joined me at one time or another. if you're still with me or we've had to say good bye... you changed my course, and I'm grateful we touched each other in some way.

life is so precious, and fleeting, and absurd, painful, frustrating, beautiful, ephemeral... I know I'm ungrateful and thankless often, but I do appreciate the little time I had on this planet, and all the people who have made it possible.

sincerely - thank you

1 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 2 August :: 10.49am

things can't be perfect all the time, that I know.

I will not say one word, I'll just hang around... I won't annoy you at all. when you move out I'll stay until I'm thrown away . but then it won't matter.

sometimes we just have to let some things go.

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 2 August :: 6.43am

all my dreams are dead.

I'll never afford a nice house, or a yard.

I'll never have that high paying job that will grant me a lil financial independence.

I'll never achieve anything.

this world is beyond fucked, and everyone has their heads in the sand.

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 15 July :: 12.12pm

broke my first bone today... in my right foot. being a clumsy dumbass.

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 11 July :: 8.05am

when you can't shake the feeling that you're a stranger in your own body

unrecognizable feelings and ideas, who am I, what am I doing. in the immense weights and hopeless nights.

the absolute absurdity of life, emotions, memory... ultimately we are all forgotten, like we never existed.. consumes me every waking moment. I see all the colors, but I don't even know if I'm seeing them right

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 10 July :: 8.36am

it's been a year since his dad passed away.. time fucking flies and drags at the same time. this is going to be a rough day...

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 26 June :: 4.21pm

when your ex's oldest brother passed away before he's 35.... what do you even say?

my heart is broken.. fucking what the fuck

1 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 12 June :: 1.42am

I hate when a bunch of drunk assholes show up at 1am and start shouting in my home while I'm trying to sleep.

no I don't want to come out there and talk to drunk people who won't remember the convo tomorrow.

I went to bed TO FUCKING SLEEP

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 4 June :: 6.43am

"When it feels scary to jump, that's exactly when you jump. Otherwise you end up staying the same place your whole life. And that I can't do."
- j c chandor

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 21 May :: 8.47am

I hate that feeling of being needed, but taken for granted.

like y'all don't really need me despite how much I do for you.

and I'm left holding that short straw in our life dingy, the next to give my body for nourishment. and unlike the plane crash in the Andes, there is no gratitude. just more fucking trash.

I'm sinking to the bottom, and as I look up to the fading light, I can see the last starlight I'll ever see, into the crushing depths. to feed the bottom dwellers or maybe just feed some scavengers.

and just never be found or thought of again.

I am dead inside

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 20 May :: 7.22am

"you just seemed so honest, but sexy"

is honesty not normally a sexy trait...? oh craigslist you confuse the heck out of me haha

1 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 11 May :: 8.28am

this extreme tiredness doesn't seem to want to leave

but I'm so damn tired

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 6 May :: 9.35am

everyone I love seems to be drowning in alcohol

and they are too drunk to admit they need to change anything

and literally every serious topic is a joke

please just stop lying to me...

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 17 April :: 9.46pm

had a really good birthday, just feeling pretty good about life when not looking at the parts I don't like.

it's going to be hard going back to work on Monday...

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 3 April :: 10.44am

when you realize you've become a shallow dish of the great lake you once we're

drying up like a river in california

molecule by molecule you've been dissapating into thin air

and everyone can see straight through you and none of them like what they see

vacuous space where a heart used to be, cold fingers, clammy hands, glass eyes and plastic beads for stuffing

you become one with the icy artic winds blowing over this fucked up landscape. a numbess enters you, fixing to your very core. labored breathing and far away eyes, trying to capture the warmth from you nostalgia.

just another deep emptiness of a human. wasting polluted air, generating more filth and trash. a creature so utterly lost from their home, trapped in artificial mazes of their own creation. dizzying and pointless, their minds grasping at foolish ideas of gods and cosmic flow.

when we all truly know what we come from and what we return to... endless quiet nothing. no sun, no water, no breeze or bushy trees bowing in the wind. just the end. the nothing. the nowhere. the deepest sleep.

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 30 March :: 6.56am

so excited for birthday plans I could explode!

visit em in seattle
go to the actual ocean
staying in a fancy condo
sushi with the bestie
a whole week and change off work

oh I forgot... and getting some ink done
and the dogs are getting groomed

ahhh cannot wait

ugh so so ready for a break

1 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 23 March :: 9.02am

sometimes I worry I'm broken

cuz I can't cry anymore

1 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 25 February :: 6.32am

next month is unofficially 11 years with my employer.

11 years of misery, but I'm still here.

1 Disobeyed | - No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 21 February :: 12.19pm

I'm just so BORED

- No -


godessalthena

:: 2021 9 February :: 7.48am

I hate when shows are cancelled with no resolution

- No -

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