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"Life is a Mystery..."

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:: 2003 28 March :: 11.40 am
:: Mood: accomplished

i am hereby celebrating the fact that my now-more-than-two-weeks-overdue-5-page-paper is now 2 1/2 pages long, the fact that the sun is shining, the fact that i really love the whole human race, and the fact that that car alarm finally shut up around two this morning and i was able to get some sleep. i am celebrating this by reading two chapters of daniel pinkwater's "young adult novel" and writing this livejournal entry. i am proud of me.

i am also a little bit nuts today.

i wish my paper was completely done, because then i could set some of my yarn like i've been wanting to do for months, and then i could actually, like, knit something with it in the forseeable future. i skeined one ball of it yesterday, which is major progress. unfortunately, i had to wind it around the rockers of my upside-down rocking chair, and it's going to stay there till i set it, so i a. don't have a rocking chair and b. have this big wooden thing taking up lots of space on my floor. hopefully this situation will provide motivation for me to set my yarn, like, this weekend. except there's also that other paper that i have to start writing this weekend. the one i haven't done any research for yet. yeah, that. hmm.

at any rate, i think i've given myself enough of a break. now i'm going to eat the rest of that sushi that i bought from those people selling sushi door-to-door a few days ago (what a crazy world), and then keep writing on research paper #1.

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:: 2003 27 March :: 5.10 pm
:: Mood: energetic

note to self: i do not need another inappropriate, troublesome crush.

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:: 2003 26 March :: 10.45 pm
:: Mood: indifferent

see cora. see cora not write paper. see cora play on computer. see cora daydream. see cora sigh and write a sentence. see cora run spellcheck. run, spellcheck, run! see cora sit back in her chair and think. see cora change one word. see cora run spellcheck again. run, spellcheck, run! see cora check her email. see cora update her livejournal. see cora try to think of other ways to procrastinate.


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:: 2003 2 March :: 12.20 pm

crazy accurate horoscopes...
"Your Daily Horoscope for March 02, 2003
Someone whom you love very dearly may be in a rather gloomy state of mind today, CORIANA. You'll probably want to distract this person, perhaps to cheer him up a little, but don't be surprised, insulted, or hurt if he doesn't respond. He probably just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and a part of him is determined to remain morbid throughout the day. Try to see the humor in it!" --

crazy horoscopes. i love/hate it when they have this kind of way-too-close correlation to reality.

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:: 2003 2 March :: 1.13 am
:: Mood: other
:: Music: silence and the echo of "sky blue and black"

i am a liar.
there's so much i haven't told. some i haven't told anybody, some i've told to only the wrong people, some shit i haven't even told myself, and everything i have told myself i'm doubtful of. what is truth?

fuck, i think march is going to turn out to be a second january.

no. really? (it ain't murder, it's a metaphore)

earlier today i was listening to music, my "absobloominlutely fabuloso" cd, "sing rain water, sea water, river water, holy water, wrap this child in mercy, heal her, heaven's only daughter." I need that kind of healing, I need water to sweep through me and tell all my tales for me, I need someone to ask all the right questions and keep me talking till i've told it all and don't want to bite my hands and bang my head against walls anymore.

what is truth?

"sky blue and black" has always been one of my favorite songs. it's one of those beautiful pure sorrow-that-rejoices ones, that makes me feel clean. i wish i could cry. tears would do it.
"and i'd have fought the world for you
(i'd have fought the world for you)
if i'd thought that you
(thought that you wanted me to)
or put aside what was true or un
(true or untrue)
if i'd known that you needed
(that you needed me to)
but the moment has passed by me now
to have put away my pride and just come through for you somehow
if you ever need holding
call my name and i'll be there
if you ever need holding, and no holding back, i'll see you through
sky... blue and black"

there's more to it, there's always more, but i can't type the whole song and anyway that covers the important part. "true or untrue". i wish i knew what truth was. somebody make me tell.

i should have known if i got through january safe there would be something waiting later on.

"sing rain water, sea water, river water, holy water, wrap this child in mercy, heal her, heaven's only daughter."

say something profound!

:: 2003 27 February :: 11.35 pm
:: Mood: terrified

no. no no no no no no no no. no.
"Grandma's gone to live in the stars," and Mr. Rogers went too so she wouldn't be afraid. Or maybe he went because in two weeks time a large shipment of Iraqi children will arrive in need of comforting. i read today that the war will begin in two weeks time. that's my birthday. they can't do that to me, i've had floods and blizzards and falls down flights of stairs but never a war to start on my birthday. that's not fair. they can't do that, i'm special. mr. rogers went to the sky so at least when everybody dies on me i know it's all just make-believe. they're special too. they can't start a war on anybody's birthday, 'cause that's not fair, they gotta find a day when nobody was born and there isn't any so HA! so there. please mr. rogers teach them about how we all have to deal with scary things and angry things sometimes but we don't have to hit people and we don't have to hurt people or start wars, we can talk about our feelings. please mr. rogers, don't let them start a war on my birthday.

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:: 2003 16 February :: 2.54 pm
:: Mood: lonely

there is absolutely no substitute for physical proximity. just over 4 hours and already i miss you too much. i have to relearn how to breathe on my own, how to hear other voices and taste other things than your kisses.

say something profound!

:: 2003 31 January :: 10.59 pm
:: Mood: awed

i'm shifting again. the lines are all getting blurry. i'm losing track of who i'm supposed to be. this frightens me. i like it.

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:: 2003 29 January :: 9.01 pm
:: Mood: despairing
:: Music: laura nyro

i can't write anymore.

i don't know how to live if i can't write, i don't know what to do, someone please tell me how i can live without words.

if anyone comments on this using the phrase "writer's block" i will punch them.

it's not writer's block. that's when you just can't think of anything to write about. i can think of plenty of things to write about but i can't write any of them. i haven't written anything that's both decently worded and my own since i don't know how long, last summer at least. i've written research papers. those i can still do. but nothing real. nothing i'd be proud to say is mine. where did i go?

i'm not sure whether i've lost my ability to write or if maybe it just was never as good as i thought, as everyone told me. i want my small pond back. i feel like a failure. where did i go?

i need to get away for awhile. i can't stand these voices echoing through the walls, and never being warm. i want a warm couch corner to curl into, facing a fire, in a room with lots of soft voices speaking quietly that i can just listen to without being noticed.

say something profound!

:: 2003 22 January :: 11.15 pm
:: Mood: none

i was invited this morning to join a commune. i promptly crawled under a table. the memories hit sharp like light reflecting from the blade of a knife, a pain in the gut, i hid and i laughed without any laughter. i didn't say why.

"...establishing polygamous colonies all along the eastern seaboard!" -- Love Pirates of Hawaii (Second Chance)

"and we began
to shift our eyes
so we looked
at different angles;
saw each other
looking shifty,
stopped trusting
and BLAM!
And that was the way
the war began."
-- written during orientation

i think too much.

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:: 2003 21 January :: 5.18 pm
:: Mood: gleeful

i got a whole fleece today! for free! and i get to wash it and card it and spin it and knit it -- i feel more useful already! happy, happy, happy.

say something profound!

:: 2003 20 January :: 4.01 pm

"when i grow up..."
i'm supposed to be writing an essay about my educational goals and why they are important and yadda yadda yadda. this is necessary, because i need those scholarship dollars so my father won't have a heart attack because of having to shrink his oversized savings account past his "comfort level". but i don't have any idea what to write.
i don't know where i'm going or why i'm learning all this stuff. i enjoy learning. isn't that enough? i don't want to become a productive member of society. investing in me is not a good investment.
i want to do so much but none of it involves being "successfull".
i've been thinking lately about the Hainish historians. (yes, everything always comes back to an ursula leguin book). "historians do not study history." i wish i had a copy of the book so i could quote from it accurately. the whole part about history is a great river and no mind could ever encompass all of it. one could pick and choose, of course, but each fragment is such an insignifigant detail compared to the whole. so watch the river as it's flowing right now, see how it turns, how the water sparkles, not trying to freeze the moment, any moment, but appreciating it as it slips by. observing. "who is looking at the universe?" maybe changing small things in small ways for small people who need a hand somewhere. as the lupin lady would say, "do something to make the world more beautiful".

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:: 2003 18 January :: 6.11 pm

"Barre Police investigating apparent homicide

January 18, 2003

Staff Report

On Jan. 17 at approximately 9:38 p.m., the Barre City Police received a 911 call reporting an unconscious female at 11 Second Street in Barre. Upon arrival, it was determined by Barre City Police that 18 year old Tara Stratton was not breathing and had no pulse.

This matter is being investigated as a homicide as it appears foul play is involved. The manner and cause of death will not be disclosed by police as it could jeopardize the investigation.

Anyone who may have information concerning this incident is asked to phone Detective Brent Curtis at the Barre City Police Department at 476-6613 or the Central Vermont Crime Stoppers at 1-800-529-9998. "
-- The Barre Montpelier Times Argus

I went to high school with her. Seven months ago. In jr. high she was the acknowledged class slut. I never knew her more than sort of in passing. I don't know how to react.

That's two. Two young lives I've known that ended when they shouldn't have. Caleb Felix and now this. It makes the world unstable. There's nowhere safe to stand.

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:: 2003 13 January :: 3.56 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: jackson browne, "the naked ride home"


Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!


Idle Profession Quiz Results - Final Fantasy video game heroine

My profession is Final Fantasy video game heroine!

My name is cora. I am a nauseatingly-sweet magic clan survivor, with burgundy hair and puce eyes.

My goals in life are to help the man that I love and destroy the game's generic villain.

My love interest is a stereotypically heroic forest ranger with a really big sword whose origin is a superior alien race.

Take the idle profession quiz yourself!

sure, whatever.

"Other people see you as sensible, cautious, careful, and practical. They see you as clever, gifted or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or too easily, but someone who is extremely loyal to the friends you do make and who expects the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize that it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but, equally, that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is shaken." --

scary. that last line... oy.

"Your Primary Mythical Creature

Water Types
The main strength of the Water types is feeling. The second element indicates the most probable focus for this emotional expression.
Water with Air

Astrologically associated with Pisces and the Twelfth House

Mermaid types are warm and caring in a passive, receptive way. They are given to daydreaming and to contemplation, a combination that can make them seem curiously absent and fey. They are among the most unworldly of all the types. Despite this they have a strong ability for clear, rational thinking that can be startling. They seem to have a deep, intuitive understanding of the oneness of the universe. They have a desire to help the world at large and are acutely aware of and sensitive to suffering. This is partly because they do not recognize the customary boundaries between people, other living things, time, space, this world and the Otherworld. They are frequently psychic. They can be brilliantly original and highly creative. They are usually regarded by others as benign eccentrics or as plain weird.

Your Shadow Creature

Fire Types
All the Fire types have problems relating to anger and aggression. The weakest element indicates the main focus of these problems.
Fire and Earth

This shadow is prone to a sense of stagnation due to lack of motivation and laziness. Nothing durable is ever produced. Practical activities may never be embarked upon. There is an underlying sense of futility and hopelessness. Disillusionment results from their lack of confidence that they can change anything for the better, and in any case they do not have the will. At the same time there is an underlying grandiosity and even megalomania reflected in their dreams and aspirations. They need to feel special. Instead, they may simply overindulge or neglect themselves physically. The biggest obstacle of weak Earth is to overcome self-centeredness and greed; the biggest obstacle of weak Fire is to overcome anger and aggression.

2002 Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd." Magic Personality Quiz

yup. specially that "plain wierd" bit.

"Your Harry Potter Personality Quiz Results:
Hermione Granger

You are intelligent, gifted, and confident. You strive to be the best in everything you do."

well, duh!

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:: 2003 11 January :: 7.15 pm
:: Mood: depressed

i'm not doing so well today.
i've left my room all of twice. i read an entire book, back to front, and mostly it just convinced me that humanity is a terrible mess and the best thing i can do is just stay in my room and not bother with anybody because they're certainly rather more worthless scum than not. i keep eating. i'm not even hungry, but i keep making and eating food. my neck hurts. i've spent the past four hours reading comic strips online. nothing seems worth doing. i'm sick of crossword puzzles. maybe i'm getting seriously depressed. maybe every weekend day is going to be like this, me sitting in my room alone and bored because i'm not brave enough to venture out into the evil world. maybe i should stop feeling sorry for myself. maybe i really am a pathetic excuse for a human being.
maybe, just maybe, angelboy, it's just been too long since i've talked to you.

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