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"Life is a Mystery..."

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:: 2003 10 January :: 3.12 pm

reasons i love being a vermonter...
"The Republicans started waging a class war on working-class and middle-class Americans. . . All we are doing is fighting back on behalf of the victims of administration policies" -- Bernie

(i come from the only state in the union whose representation in Washington is 2/3 independant. go bernie! thanks jim!)

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:: 2003 10 January :: 3.11 pm

reasons i love paul jenkins...
Excerpt for Student's Divisional Evaluation:

Insufficient space to do justice to the student's work.

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:: 2003 10 January :: 1.01 pm
:: Mood: "other"
:: Music: the way the leaf shadows are dancing across my floor...

i love this hat.
i just did my "we'll always have paris" CASABLANCA bit for the guy washing dishes in saga. the quality of sunlight today is making me extremely fluttery and light and cheerful, but in a sedate, calm, contented sort of way. if that makes any sense.

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:: 2003 8 January :: 6.16 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

i skied all afternoon!
wow, my muscles hurt. i hope the ibuprofen kicks in fast.
wendy and i had a fun forest adventure today. we had planned to go snowshoeing, but the equipment room had no snowshoes left, so we borrowed cross-country skis instead. it was a good decision. despite how cold and wet my hands got (i can't wait for mamala to finish my new glove/mittens) and how many brooks i fell into (two, but i managed not to actually land in the water with either of them).
we found a hermitage. a little log cabin hut in the woods, it looked like somebody lived there. i assume it's the one that belongs to adam rubenstein's sometimes-roommate, who we heard about during orientation, who's apparently living in the woods as part of his div iii.
i always wanted to do that. i wonder if i ever really will.

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:: 2003 7 January :: 8.17 pm
:: Mood: other
:: Music: "Lyllabues"

It's that month again.
I have the strangest relationship to the month of January. I'm terrified of it. No, I'm intrigued by it. It does wierd things to me. No, I do wierd things to myself during it. January changes my thought patterns.
I cast a spell on the 18th of January, 1999, the only spell I've ever cast that actually worked. It's sort of stuck to the month ever since. Maybe. It's sort of expanded from its original intention -- hell, it never acknowledged what I thought WAS its original intention -- and I'm not sure I can continue to blame everything on the spell. It was a "spell to make hidden things visible" (idea ripped off from C.S. Lewis's Narnia books), and the way I was thinking about it beforehand it was supposed to make other things (specifically the real feelings of other people -- I had specific other people in mind) visible to me. Well, that year it sort of worked backwards. I mean, I rather than other became visible. But that's not how it's persisted every January since; it's been, yes, rather a season of revelations of various sorts, but that was the only year I openly announced anything to anyone as a result of January. What's happened virtually every year has been some sort of catalyst, always in the form of something or other becoming visible.
I dread Januarys. Which is funny, as I've never yet regretted one. "Nothing is wasted, nothing is ever wasted." Even when it looks that way. But I'm in a panic right now, because I'm not sure what this January will do to me. Actually, I have some suspicions. Somebody just lock me up somewhere, bound and gagged, until this month is over, okay?

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:: 2003 6 January :: 2.40 pm
:: Mood: nostalgic

"The Song of Moses"
(omitted from the old testement because it was just too damn annoying)

When Moses was a baby, the Pharaoh hated him
And all the Hebrew baby boys, he hoped they couldn't swim

They threw them in the river, but Moses he could float
Because his mommy put him in a basket for a boat

The Pharaoh's daughter found him, floating in the reeds
And hired his Hebrew mother, the child for to feed

I guess this song is over -- I mean oh no it's not
Let's see how long we keep this up! More verses we have got

So Moses grew up happy in the Egypt land
Till for the sake of justice he killed an Egypt man

The Hebrew people saw him and told the Pharaoh how
Moses killed the man, so Pharaoh wants to kill him now

He fled into the desert, and married a Midianite
While shepharding by a mountain, he saw a brilliant light


The bush was burning burning, but it was not consumed
God said "Now save your people, I'll tell you what to do"

So Moses went to Egypt, and told the Pharaoh how
God was gonna kill him if he didn't listen now

But Pharaoh's heart was hardened, and he got really mad
So he punished the Hebrew people and it made them awful sad


Then God got mad at Pharaoh and bloody made the Nile
And eight more bad things happened, that lasted for awhile

Then finally God said "Moses, I'll tell you what to do
This final plague will do the trick and kill their children too.

All first borns will die sadly, except for Hebrew kin
Your houses I'll pass over, because you did not sin."


Then Moses took his people and left the Egypt land
But Pharaoh's heart was hardened and he caught up with the band

Pharaoh caught up Moses beside the sea called Red
God let the Hebrew people through but drowned Egyptians dead

The Hebrews they got hungry because they had no bread
So God sent quails and manna to get the people fed


Then Moses climbed a mountain, and there he talked to God
He got the ten commandments but the people found them odd

They bowed down to another god and made a golden calf
When Moses saw the golden cow he burned it with much wrath

The people had to drink it; it tasted really bad
God said someday I'll punish you for making me so sad


Then Moses talked to God again and this time God he saw
His face was burning brightly and the people looked with awe

The people in the wilderness they stayed for forty years
And then alas old Moses died. They mourned him with great tears

They buried good old Moses within the foreign sand
Poor Moses he would never get to reach the promised land


There ends the tale of Moses, we know this song was long
We're sorry that we bugged you with this irritating song

We know you really hate us and will probably kill us soon
But all our dreams have been fulfilled because we sang this tune

I guess this song is over -- this time it really is --
Hey guys, I think we'd better run. Ta-ta for now! Gee whiz!

-- penned by myself, Erin Danaher, and Maggie Lavoie, in "Introduction to Literature" in ninth grade. Our teacher, Charlie McMeekin, said it "rivalled Gone With the Wind in length and Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill in complexity"

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:: 2003 6 January :: 1.00 pm
:: Mood: terrified
:: Music: emer kenny, "josie"

my horoscope is scaring me
"You are about to be more down to Earth and to experience strong
emotions. Your private life is going to change. These changes will
occur in your sex life. You will no longer be inhibited by your
body. You will no longer be embarrassed when you are with your
partner. As a matter of fact, you tend to love your body. A new sex
life can change a person! " --

so i read that and almost screamed because my horoscopes don't usually include the word "will" or sound at all that sure and how the hell and what the hell and they don't really know what they're talking about do they? but in the background there's emer kenny singing
"is there a time
to let go of the fear
and live for the love
you do not yet know
you're life can be free
oh josie
you have so much to give
let it go"
and you know what? i'm scared now.

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:: 2003 6 January :: 12.55 pm
:: Mood: exuberant
:: Music: emer kenny

i'm having an irish fit
it's a result of my genealogy fit and my grandmother's death and my alphabet fit and my endangered languages class this morning. don't mine me. i ran to the library after lunch to look up ogham script and have forbidden myself to check out books or photocopy pages until i have at the very least finished "alphabeta".

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:: 2003 5 January :: 5.51 pm
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: nada

"la la la... linoleum!"
happy happy happy (a big wonderful improvement from 11:00 this morning when i was pissed pissed pissed).
winter break was wonderful. home was wonderful. coming back here is wonderful. life's just wonderful. i realized a few days ago that i'm feeling at home everywhere (except at my father's house -- more later), and that's just great. i mean, i used to never feel at home anywhere. it's all turned around.
i am, i am, i am, and i can and i will and i do and i live and i --- am alive.
my first week home i did a lot of good mother-daughter time with my mamala. it's so great to have a mother i can talk too. and we had a stitch-and-bitch where cindy and gianine and kristen were all very reassuring and encouraging about my unconventional answer to the "sex question." and i went up to the hushers' house and spent an afternoon making christmas tree ornaments with chelsea rose, which was a blast. i love chelsea. i love that we can be such great friends despite the 4 year age difference. we're living such completely different lives -- she's just starting high school! how far back that seems! -- but "we cut through what we do, to who we are" (to use the l'engleian phrase).
and then dan came home, and we had that big scary conversation i've sorta been dreading, where i tell him "no, i really don't want to have sex any time soon," and of course it really wasn't scary at all, he was fine with it, there was no big war like i had been dreading. we've been living under ridiculously different assumptions. i've been assuming that, no matter what he says, what he really wants is for me to want whatever he wants. he's been assuming that i know that for all his teasing what he wants most is for me to be happy. once i realized that everything looked very different. i'm sorry beloved, i think i've been underestimating you terribly.
so the "us" has been pretty damn wonderful since then. on a related note (giggle, giggle, giggle), i love discovering that certain people and certain advice they once gave me are completely and totally wrong.
the first night i was home i had the wierdest dream. also extremely useful, as it answered a question i had. and on the subject of dreams, i had a kassandra-dream last night, an unpleasant -prophetic one that is. i had hoped i had outgrown that or something. though it wasn't exactly accurate: in the dream she showed up on my doorstep (i don't really have to explain who "she" refers to, do i?), and in real life the phone rang, but the result and the wrongness was almost the same.
let's not talk about her anymore, shall we? or think about her either.
christmas was great, real christmas i mean. christmas with dad was pretty rotten in several ways. real christmas, with mom, was mostly the best one we ever had. both boys slept past 8. that's never happened before on christmas morning.
none of mom's relatives called in the middle of the muppet christmas carol. marty and mom did not fight all day christmas day. both boys loved the gifts i got them (jay's watched lilo and stitch three times already). mom knit us all hats, and marty actually likes his (quote of the year: "wow, mom, i didn't know you could knit a ghetto hat!"). mom gave me a book about the history of the alphabet which i am devouring delightedly. the not-good part of christmas day was that we were all feeling somewhat ill and nobody ate much of christmas dinner.
and then there was dad christmas. ayi. he betrayed his usual annoyance at the boys' present-opening enthusiasm. it was really cold and i spent the better part of a day wearing two shirts and my hat, wrapped up in a blanket, shivering, before dad heaved a huge sigh and, in his favorite "i'm such a martyr" tone, said "well, since we're celebrating a holiday, i guess we can turn the heat up to 64." (please note that i had not complained vocally at all, and neither had anyone else, but marty and i were both wearing our hats around the house). dinner was good though, and we ate a lot, the boys and i having been sick for three days and eaten barely anything. but then there was the paying-the-spring-bill conversation, which sort of ruins all possible positives about time spent with my father. mr. $40,000-savings-account-not-to-mention-the-money-that-was-invested-during-the-divorce-supposedly-for-his-childrens'-education feels he shouldn't have to pay a cent of my $4,000 bill, since i should have made all my work study money by now and saved every penny of that and the "upkeep" (formerly known as "child support") money he's sending me, and my mother should have been working full time since jay was one (there's so many employment opportunities for computer programmers in central vermont, you know). but since i've been a wasteful little girl and spent most of what work study money i've made so far on transportation home for vacations and my mother's a very bad person who refuses to work like any decen single mother would, and therefore we just plain don't have the money, he's got to sit down and think about his "comfort level" before he can even consider writing a check. Luckily, he did finally decide he could handle paying half the bill.
Enough ranting about my father and related financial stuff.

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:: 2002 12 December :: 6.17 pm
:: Mood: apathetic

this is me not getting my work done.
Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?

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why do i hear darby saying "i told you so"?

What's YOUR sexual fetish?

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wow they know me well.

""Which cocktail are you?""

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well... maybe... it bothers me how i always come out "innocent" in these quiz things...

The Ultimate *Which Harry Potter Character are You?* Quiz

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um... i think i'm more of a hermione granger, actually...

What's YOUR Writing Style?

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Harry Potter: Which Hogwarts professor would you be?

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Which male HP character are you most compatible with?

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that's disturbing. i really need to see the second movie. but right now i really need to stop taking these damnable quiz things and go get my work done.

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:: 2002 10 December :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: blank

so i was going to be really productive and get a lot of work done tonight --
but i didn't. i was going to get all my spanish stuff (presentation mistakes corrections, final sor juana paper, course evaluation -- actually i did finish all those -- and self evaluation -- nope) and one of my geology projects done, and then get started on that poetry paper. i did all the spanish except the self eval before dinner, and was going to come back, get everything else done, go to bed early, and feel satisfied that all i had to do in the next three days would be that other geology project -- the Turners Falls one that was due in october -- half my poetry paper (well begun is half done, as mary poppins always said) and self evaluations for poetry and geology. but of course i came back from dinner, wrote "si yo fuera superpoderosa, esta evaluación sería muy fácil a escribir" on my spanish self-eval, and then settled in to read political cartoons online (i've finished the past decade of "this modern world," so now i'm reading all the comics from the links page). and i promised myself that at 9:00 i'd stop and at least finish the geology project about the kyoto protocol, but all i did was stop, make myself some (very mediocre) instant miso soup, and write in my livejournal. i might as well just admit that i'm not going to get anything done tonight, and go back to the political cartoons.

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:: 2002 9 December :: 6.48 pm
:: Mood: full

"si yo fuera..."
okay, so earlier today i was thinking how strange it is that there seems to be a recurring theme of people who want to have superpowers going on in my life these days. okay, so there have only been two, but two seems like a lot sometimes. first there was the almost argument dan and i had a few weeks ago about his wanting to have superpowers (see 11/16/02), and then today i was reading my favorite soap opera a.k.a. wendy's journal ( and ze had a dream including some interesting "evil powers," and so i was thinking earlier about other people having this wish to be more-than-human and wondering whether i'm the only one who wouldn't want to be superpowerful. and i was feeling kinda depressed about that, that i was maybe the only person in the world (dreadful exaggeration, i know) who only wants to be human. and then just when i was about to leave for spanish our spanish class phrase from the day we learned the conditional tense marched across my brain: "si yo fuera superpoderosa..." and before i had really thought i finished the sentence -- though in english because i didn't know the right spanish words -- "if i were superpowerful, i would make myself able to love without wanting or needing." so i guess i can't claim to be happy with my humanity. i'm no better than the rest of you; i'm just as discontented with who i am. only instead of super-sensitive senses, superhuman strength, or the ability to parent demonaical offspring, i'm dreaming of being the one human being alive who is truly completely selfless and needless and can give without ever getting anything back. the horrible thing is, a lot of the time i really expect myself to be that strong. i don't dream of being superhuman, i expect myself to be superhuman. and that's not a reasonable expectation. anyway. somebody hit me and tell me i'm just human like everyone else, get over it.
so then with this idea sort of in the back of my mind, at dinner i started singing "si yo fuera una babosa, si yo fuera super-poder-osa..." to the jepordy tune (yeah, everyone knows that one) over and over again under my breath.
and now i'm going to go take a shower.

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:: 2002 9 December :: 8.59 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: only the motherfolkers singing the chocolate song in my head

poetry & chocolate & how i've now thouroughly screwed up my sleeping patterns
yes, and they're going to stay screwed up. I might need them that way later this week -- say, wednesday night when i finally realize that i do, in fact have to get all my work done, including that 2-months-overdue geology project i've been procrastinating (understatement) about. i think i may take a nap this afternoon to deliberately enforce my pattern of not-sleep.
the night before last, of course, dan was here, and so of course we were awake a number of times through the night, because you know i really wouldn't be at all healthy if i could sleep sound through having a delightful man in my bed, and of course i was already tired because i had slept (i use the term loosley) at his house the night before. so when he left here yesterday morning i was of course so exhausted that i promptly (well, pretty promptly) took a nap. i went to bed at about 11:30 and woke up around 4:30. you do the math.
so then last night one of my hallmates (read: the ever-obnoxious liz) was drunk off her ass and being even LOUDER than usual (if that's possible), and i was talking to wendito on IM about how i was going to kill liz, so to prevent me from homicidal frenzy she offered to feed me chocolate. so then i ended up over in wendy's room eating chocolate and sharing old poetry until 2:30 this morning. and then of course i came back to my room vowing i was going to go straight to bed, but then got involved in looking at some of my more recent work and trying to figure out if i've actually improved since 9th grade (not much), and promised myself i'd go to bed at 3:00. and then at 3:05 i was still going through my current notebook, and extended bedtime to 3:30, so i actually climbed into bed about 3:45. aren't i good at making my own rules and sticking to them? so then i woke up at 8 this morning (huh?) feeling tired but not exhausted, and i think i'll get some work done and then take a nap before class.

"la la la linoleum" -- a little Bert that just appeared in my head for no reason at all.

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:: 2002 8 December :: 11.23 am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: none needed right now

my horoscope from yesterday:
"Romance is enhanced by intimate and exciting discussions with a
current or potential love partner, CORIANA. This person is possibly
very creative, rather temperamental, and needing constant
reassurance. In any event, you will enjoy the sparkling energy that
surrounds them. Children might also play a strong role in your day,
as at some point you might find yourself caring for them or telling
them stories. Whoever is in your company will enjoy your presence. "
-- courtesy of

wow, yay for accurate horoscopes! the first sentence, anyway. (i can't be bothered with capitals today. don't know why). dan just left, but we had a great weekend, and i'll see him in a week or so, so i'm still happy happy happy. i really like waking up in his arms.

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:: 2002 3 December :: 7.07 pm
:: Mood: agitated
:: Music: cris & tret, "between the covers"

procrastination is an art...
Where Did Your Soul Originate?

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no. really?

What Kind of Virgin Are You?

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STOP LAUGHING AT ME BEHIND YOUR EYES. (that means you. you know who you are.)

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