home | profile | guestbook


..............................

recent entries | past entries


goodbye

:: 2018 17 June :: 1.01pm

I have to stop expending my energy on people who don't deserve it.
It's been two years since that interaction occurred. I just learned about it and not from you. It was pure coincidence that I learned about it. You have never told me about it. You expressly hid it because you knew how I would "react." I've put so much into you. I've loved you like a sister. But you're damaged as fuck, looking for sexual attention from anyone you can and it ends up being a betrayal of everything we've had... everything we've shared. And never telling me about it? And me helping you so much directly after that? Years after that? Because I never knew about it. Because I thought you were a real friend. Fuck you. Fuck you and your fucked up life and your fucked up family. I don't care anymore. Don't expect a fucking explanation. Piss off.

And you? Everything you have ever said to me was an insult. No one likes you for good damn reasons. You fuck everyone you've ever known. I've tried so hard to be understanding of your situation. I've tried so hard to be there for her and for you and also to be there for you emotionally, as a crutch but you never take responsibility for any of your bullshit. You just continue to fuck up and I deal with it. You never take responsibility for the problems you cause - the things you say or do - and it's not my damn job to forgive all of the mistakes you keep making. I'm your enabler. No fucking more.

Why do I keep becoming attached to little puppy dogs who need my help? Why do I feel like I can save them or change them to help them help themselves? Why do people who I put so much into continue to let me down and abuse my love? Why do people I love keep on taking advantage of me?

I'm not fucking with this anymore. I have enough good friends to not need bad ones.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 4 June :: 4.46pm

After I take care of the few commitments I made this week, I'm going to take a social break for a while. My last two weeks have been a little crazy. I am overwhelmed with love, confusion, irritation, and then whatever "idgaf" would be as a feeling - pertaining to plenty of individuals. Many highs with some lows, but overall, bona fide positivity is rushing through my soul. Good feels all around.

And now, for sleep. All the sleep. u.u zzz

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 30 May :: 6.30pm

My choices have been very stupid. I have no idea what to do with my life now.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 19 May :: 10.43pm

It's a get-fucked-up kinda night.

leave a comment


spud

:: 2018 24 March :: 2.39pm

I TALKED AT PEOPLE AND IT WAS SORTA FUNNY

3 comments | leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 16 March :: 2.38pm

If I stay with this momentum, I should be at goal weight by September's end.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 15 March :: 11.59am

Processing all of this is going to take me a long time.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 11 March :: 9.26pm

I always feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. It doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with. I'm always wearing a mask. I can't be myself ever. One thing or another comes up that makes it clear that I was never really welcome at all.

And almost everyone I open myself up to, at some point, stops caring.

I'll never be okay.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 11 March :: 12.49am

Loneliness should wear off... right? ...At some point?

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 2 March :: 11.00pm

Every time I hang out with him, I regret it. Every. Time.

Ugh.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 2 March :: 8.24am

Anime was ruined for me by the community. So was rock/emo/pop punk music.

Why do people have to be such dicks?

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 23 February :: 10.17pm

I have fucking awesome friends.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 18 February :: 11.21pm

I've been visiting my Grandmother with my Mom this week. She teaches me many new things and reminds me of many things I've learned before:

Be vigilant with patience. You can never be too patient around her.

It's okay to feel what you want to feel but don't be consumed by it. She has overcome so much in her life and I hope she can be happy about that. I'm certainly proud of her.

Be compassionate and kind above all else. Let the people you love let know you love them and love spending time with them.

I am lucky and blessed to still have my Grammie. I treasure the time I've gotten to spend with her on this trip and throughout my whole life. I am very thankful to bond with my Mother as well. It has been a wonderful time, one which I hope to remember forever.

Lately from them and from some other people in my life, I have been hearing alot of "I really enjoy being with you." And "I'm so happy you came." And other similar things. Initially I always feel surprised by it due to some negative experiences I've had where people have told me otherwise... but it is beginning to sink in that I am a good friend and person and I do make other peoples' lives better by expressing my care. I am warmed by this beautiful feeling of welcomeness and love. It helps me see that this world isn't such a dark place after all. Something I need to remember, especially before such a difficult day for me.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 19 January :: 11.27pm

Syzlac
Moe! Moe! Moe!
How do you like me? How do you like me?
Moe! Moe! Moe!
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me.

leave a comment


goodbye

:: 2018 18 January :: 7.21pm

leave a comment

Woohu.com | Random Journal