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goodbye

:: 2020 10 February :: 9.12pm

I'm so fucking pathetic.

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goodbye

:: 2020 8 February :: 11.11am

My dad is the best person and I love him so much. He won't even know when I'm feeling horrible and he'll still just be so kind and loving and it really helps fill up those empty places that tell me I'm not a good person or worth while or someone anyone could love or enough.

Most of the time I keep it to myself how awful I feel. I am just floating through my days without direction and I feel as though time has gotten away from me and I haven't and won't be able to actualize any dreams young me had... Because she's still in my mind only she exists as someone I will never be again and the current me has no hope like she was bursting at the seams with. And also that I don't have the emotional tools to exist as an adult.

I never wanted to be one of those people who had a regular job at Macy's as an adult or a regular job receiving phone calls or something. In other words, I thought I could produce potential... Honestly I now just feel like I won't amount to a god damn thing. I won't ever be a wife or a mother or anything other than that sad fat girl dancing alone in the club around her ex and his wife because he could find something he wanted more than her and she put her faith in the next person that has higher hopes for himself than her.

I wish I was enough for more than just my parents. I wish I was enough for my boyfriend. I wish I was enough for my friends. I wish I was enough for myself.

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spud

:: 2020 3 February :: 12.32pm

We get it, Iowa. Your caucus, like ... SO big.

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spud

:: 2020 2 January :: 1.12pm

Recorded on 12.31.19
POD 22

In which I am joined by Katie <3
We dissect the annual Christmas gauntlet to which she was subjected.

Links to stuff we mentioned:









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goodbye

:: 2019 24 December :: 9.26pm

No real spoilers...
But if you don't like personal opinions... Star Wars you say?
Read more..

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goodbye

:: 2019 12 October :: 10.18am

It is immeasurably easy to ignore your problems with entertaining television shows and movies. Once the weed gets in there though, you're screwed.

I find myself so 'enlightened' on pot that it is sickening. I point out things about myself that I have completely ignored for ages. The introspection is magnified x1,000,000. On one hand, I hate pot because I can no longer refuse to participate in my existence. On the other... blissful ignorance isn't always the best.

I think we're lost because we see all the pain in the world now through a glass lens. We have to see the Kurds and Syrians getting decimated. We have to see the Uighur Muslims go through ethnic cleansing. We have to see the bloody protests in Hong Kong. We have to see famine in Yemen and destruction of the Amazon. We have to see children locked up in cages and people in places of worship shot in the masses due to racism. We have to see slavery and trafficking and abuse and addiction. We have and will lose many more rare species of animals around the world.
...And we can't do much about those things as individuals and our government does not find it's political or economical reasons supported by intervening.

We can also ignore all of these things after a second with another scroll and a 1-minute cat or dog clip online.

How are we supposed to exist in such a disgusting world?

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spud

:: 2019 7 October :: 4.42pm

Recorded on 9.20.19
POD 21

In which I am all alone

Links to stuff I mentioned:








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goodbye

:: 2019 7 September :: 11.34pm

You have to make your life what you want it to be.

That means I do too...

How exhausting.

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goodbye

:: 2019 5 September :: 1.09pm

I feel so far from the person I used to be. I keep looking at my life... all the things I could have done by now... all the time I wasted...

The moments I best used were moments I will never have again. I keep thinking back to childhood and having sleepovers with Anna and Lizzie. We would go to the mall and then find our way back to one of our houses and would play video games or draw or pretend.

Since experiencing it, I've been regarding college as the best time of my life but I think those years, despite the responsibility of trudging along in classes, being 12 was probably the best time.

Maybe I can vote for 12 and 23... because who is really counting?

I would love to make my life like that again - nights with rights, constant hangouts, all the other stresses of the world falling away with the giggle fits we would get into... But we're so far apart and so involved in our own lives.

Growing up is dying and the times we are the happiest end long before we have a chance to realize they're even there.

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goodbye

:: 2019 25 August :: 6.57pm

Having a mentor that looks you up when he drives through town even after not seeing you for the last 7 years feels really amazing. I must improve that connection. Maybe I will bake him something and send it over.

We never know how someone else is doing until we ask. I have to be better about that.

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goodbye

:: 2019 27 July :: 11.51am

Feeling a bit better lately. Excited for what's to come.

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spud

:: 2019 25 July :: 11.27am

Recorded on 7.21.19
TECHNICALLY NOT A POD

In which I am joined by Trevor, who wields an axe with superior majesty, and has the hair to match.

ALSO NOT A POD

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goodbye

:: 2019 20 July :: 9.30pm

My faith in people will be my downfall. I don't know why I have so much hope for others to love me as much as I love them - friends - partners - this is why I haven't gotten close to anyone else in a while. This is why I don't let my guard down anymore. People want different things than you do - whether that means time spent together, affection, humor, closeness, goals - whatever it is, I always pick wrong; I always hope for more.

I don't know what I'm expected to do anymore. If you try so hard for so long and you're let down time and time again, how are you supposed to be expected to be calm and cool and collected? How are you supposed to assume the best any longer?

All the red flags just pass me by with my rose-colored glasses. They are all unique, beautiful people that will eventually come around. Time has shown that's not the case and people will continue to disappoint me and I will continue to love them just as I always have.

I'm so fucking weak.

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spud

:: 2019 15 July :: 2.45pm

recorded on 7.10.19
POD 20

In which I am joined by Nick and Sam. Nick wrote the songs. Sam is an open mic legend here in Grand Rapids.

We were rehearsing for a gig at Mulligans Pub; an establishment whose threshold I had not darkened in nearly a decade. It hasn't changed at all.

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spud

:: 2019 10 July :: 10.25am

Recorded on 7.5.19
POD 19

In which I am joined by Eliot. He wants to start a 90s cover band, but neither of us sing. The set list is epic ... if we can ever learn all the songs. Or find a vocalist.

Links to stuff we mentioned:







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