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:: 1996 29 July :: 12.25 am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: black eyed peas.pump

You never fail to amaze me...
Please jay explain to me what ''flinging shit'' means.I honestly dodnt understand it. I didnt say i was perfect by the way, in fact it wasnt mentioned. I didnt do a thing to you -emotionallly you cause trauma for yourself. im not the only one with that opinion by the way.You and sam huh? beautiful.... noone could see that coming...i dont really have a problem with either of you. You are nuetral to me - neither friend or enemy. Sam was/is nice but obviously certain circumstancing took its toll on and i were better friends. we were to alike in the wrong place and too diiferent in the same places. anyawys enough wasting my time...
neilee and i are going canoeing up north tommorow. It will be fun.I havent been in forever.We ran out of work today... kinda sucks but i mightdo sorting to earn extra mula. Oh yeah kate neilee's going to borrow Harry Potter if that is allright.

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:: 1996 26 July :: 12.10 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: gwen stefani.bubblepopeletric

humanity can be so disappointing
its been awhile. my comp's been down. i have met a beautiful guy! most of ya'll met him on sunday. Our future is uncertain because he is going to Ohio for college but i think we can make it work. I have shed some tears but it's progressing.i told him i would wait for him until he got back in two years fom now.I know its hard to beleive but guys like him DONOT come around very often. He's sweet, cute, funny, a perfect gentleman, and Godly. i started crying at my party -i felt stupid but its hard for both of us. he held me (and i think i saw a tear) and he said ''this wouldnt be so hard if you weren't so perfect''. We had our first (mouth to mouth) kiss that night.It was one of the most perfect kisses I have had. He said'' you're 16 now...aren't you supposed to get a kiss?'' i smiled through my tears and said ''yes''.we did touch teeth and i kinda giggled and he says ''i'm sorry, I don't have a lot of expirence...''. i hope to God that we are meant to be. he's so different. he's respectful of me which is something i havent much expirenced. Speaking of which I have come to find out that Jay cheated on me twice. I pity him so much. i really do. i probably shouldn't be like this but oh well he is nothing to me. bennet made me realize how beautiful I am on the inside,which means a great deal because Jay made me feel like the scum of the earth and now i look back and realize he is. and you know, he will never ever see it and thats why i pity him mostly. i have heard that he just wants a summer fling but is having trouble finding one.Amazing i find a beautiful relationship when im not even looking and Jay tries to get a measly phsical relationship and he fails.Anyways enough of that.I have had a lot of tension and i feel better now. Things actually are coming into place licence, jobs, work expirence in my field of choice, a relationship, and im going someplace! sweet sixteen and never felt better.... i have gotten to know many of you better -stacy kate and lisa.i love you all very much. You're each so beautiful and spcial to me.

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:: 1996 22 June :: 12.49 am
:: Mood: cynical
:: Music: block party

time will tell....
sigh....had practice today. went allright i guess. about 13 riders and 1 groom. i think we have a chance at state, regionals fo' sho'. once againg neilee blew off my invite for her to come over. "i tired...and..." were her words. im tired of it! im tired of her stupid immature wont call her anymore i dont think. i keep thinking of levi! maybe ill email him... i want a boy...a nice christian boy...but maybe i shouldnt right now i dont know.i have so much to concentrate really really sick of my mom being home! she had a cancerous something removed three weeks ago and finally she went to work monday but not yesterday. ive been really depressed latley,i dont want to grow up! Honestly i could stay in high school forever and now im down to two years.i couldve stayed with levi forever that night. Emotionally he completly satisfies me...and right now that is theonly thing needing satisfaction.

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:: 1996 20 June :: 12.39 am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: the beastie boys

2 at a time i want girls
its been awhile.... my computer hasnt been letting me on so... well letsee i hurt myself a while back -crashed my go kart into a truck im just about fully recovered. the 10th i went to crystals party and levi was there.omg.....i love that boy like no tommorow. we held hands at three in the morning under a starry sky be the fire.i dont know what to make of it. i think it was meant in more of a non-sexual way than in a boyfriend girlfriend way.i know he likes me though nd i like him...but there are other boys that like me too but i think levi is my best option.i want somone who is really after god's heart. i started reading my bible religuosly everyday and i have never felt better! i have practice on tuesday. which is good cuz i have been so bored...

:: 1996 16 May :: 6.06 pm
:: Mood: mad weird
:: Music: switchfoot

live like tommorow
hey all,man this past couple days have been tough.i dont know what to with myself anymore. im so torn.i have come to some major crossroads and i dont know where to go.i have been trying to call neilee but noone answera.i need some one to talk me through this....i had this mad crazy emotional breakdown at youth group and i think neilee did too.god opened up my eyes to many things and spoke to me in a powerful way. i just dont know what to do!i hate myself so much for being like this.i hate myself for making myself unlovable. GRR!i shot my new gun today. i shot a robin. i shot my target and i shot and killed a mourning dove. i played with my go-kart,went riding. i have been doing everything to occupy myself.i feel so vunerable.i lost 7 pounds this week from not eating. i need help, but im afraid to ask.

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:: 1996 9 May :: 5.23 am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: i saw the sign.??

its getting better all the time...
well, today was good as far as my mmods go.we all get new cells this week and out the home phone,getting hi speed,and lifes improving as far as material things so very happy for lifelong dream is to go on a mission trip.i alwasy thought that if i didnt get into the college of my choice(s). i would go and be a missionary.its scary at times,but someones has to do it. well my starting over thing is working well thus far. i have been watching my tongue and being kind to everyone.i have been meaning to email jay and sammie but havent yet. i will tomorrow i think when i have a a little bit more of a think. this kid asked me out today. it was weird . it woke me up. i keep thinking that jay and i are just seperated and that soon i will run to him with hugs and kisses, but alas that is not hasnt fully sunk in yet.but anyways, i said no of course its much too soon and i dont really like him like was a rude awakining kind of thing.

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:: 1996 6 May :: 1.52 am
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: maroon5.sunday morning

hey guys,
i guess i should explain myself. i havent really spoken about my current situations and issues to anyone but neilee and seems to wan to know so i guess i reall y should explain. well lets see i guess i will start with our big break still confused as to why,b/c nano made all of that up with the exception that yes i was contemplating breaking l\things off with jay, and i was bored. but antways it's too late for that i have decided to take a frsh start. i am reneewing everything i know. im wiping the slate dropping all grudges et cetera...with everyone. i have come to loathe myself and who i have become recently and this sounded like a good way to make myself happier.i have made many new promises to myself adn to those around me.these are included but not limited to: to always listen, to always be there for whoever may need me to,to be nice to everyone at anytime say if you came up and socked me i will turn the other cheek, and to use the word ''hate'' sparingly. latley i have been taking vicodin for no good reaon. i like the way it made me feel. i could let go and not really be fully conscience. neddless to say i downed 3 on may second.i started self mutilation again. And now 4 days later i am proud to say i have done neither of those things. It's like tuesday night i had an internal revolution and decided then and there i would never let myself fall down to the lowly state i was in. i want to let each of you know i love you and deeply care for all of you. special thanks to jay-for making my sophomore year a positive expirence and taking my perspective to a new level, stacy- for being there and tlak ing to me that night online when noone else did, ben- for just being you,josh (aungst) - for caring deeply,dustin - for being a great listene and keeper of secrets,neilee- for loving me unconditionally,adam- for telling me everything will be allright wheni needed most to hear that, kate- for being there and quietly understanding,and for rachel- for helping me to beleive''there's someone destined for you.he will love you so much and will never want to let you goa or let you out of sight. you are destined for great things''. thanks guys i deeply love you all. and if someone can give me sammie (pennington)'s email i would lie to speak with her. thanks again!

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:: 2007 5 April :: 5.10 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: the beatles.eleanor rigby

hey all this is no longer kaylen now. man this sure has been a tough week....

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