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The Possibility of Life's Dislocation.

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sendmemoney

:: 2006 25 December :: 3.33am

lesson learned ! can't wait for the next one
i never really considered it putting up walls but i guess that's what it really is .. i don't know why i thought that you'd be any different or that i could even begin to sort out this mess of emotions i have ready to burst out of my skull and explain to you what's in my head because it's not fair that i can't i just fucking can't and you don't understand and i get so close but it never comes out because i think once i say one word in the wrong direction it's going to explode and everything i've ever done will be wrong and i don't want to just be this way anymore and it's not fair that i can't do it it's not fair i just want you to be there for me and try to understand but instead you sit and grin and bear five minutes with me so that maybe you can get some tonight and don't even try to hide it and that's what fucking hurts that's what it is that's exactly what it fucking is and i dont want to deal with it ever again in my life of course not like it would come up anyway but just in case just so you know not me not happening and if its walls then its walls and if its irrational then so be it but fuck i'm not doing this again it's not happening you better learn girl get your shit together because it'll happen next time you're not careful if not for one reason then another damaged goods is the most appropriate term really and dead fucking on hit the nail on the goddamn head



you know though
it's better this way
it's not making love if you're not in love and it's not just sex with that trace of emotion lingering but don't worry i think it's pretty clear what it is ! because there's no trace of emotion anywhere mm mm no way not here i don't know why you'd even ask

better to just drop me off so that's what you did merry christmas to me it was going too good you know haha duh silly girl get your act together be on point because tonight is just the beginning of ten million more nights just like this

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sendmemoney

:: 2006 26 July :: 8.35am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Bright Eyes

I sit and take slow, deliberate hits while he chain smokes his cheap cigars, bought at a seedy gas station at 1 a.m. He's infuriatingly accomodating and I want to scream FIGHT BACK but instead I take a few more hits, two aggresively and the next so passive but he takes no notice and explains on why I am oh so very right . Decidedly I hit it again and confide, I'm very dark, and he laughs it off and asks, is that what you think? And I laugh it off too, is it hollow to him, I wonder, and put myself back, what was I thinking??

strike a chord


sendmemoney

:: 2006 13 January :: 6.12pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: fiona apple - extraordinary machine

I miss letting my eyelashes graze your cheek, your hot breath on my neck, the proximity of our lips before we get lost in a tangle of passion and lust and love and youíre inside me and we are one. Everyone I look at has the same blank face and all I see is you missing from the picture and weeks before your return. I love it when I struggle against you and you hold me so tight that, with all my might, I canít move your arm an inch because, baby, I might struggle against you sometimes but please donít let me go. I get so caught up in you and me and us and this happiness sometimes and my fears come crashing in and knocking me back to reality; I think they may be all that keeps me from floating away but itís such a staggering weight that it gnaws at my brain until I face them and let them override everything you tell me. Iíve never been so scared and so thrilled at the same time. Iíve protected myself for so long, so hard that this is unfamiliar territory weíre charting here, but whatever we encounter, I know we can face because I can be the strongest woman in the world for you. So this is love. The only possible explanation for why Iím so consumed with everything that is you, for knowing the freckles on your back with such detail, the curve of your lips with such intensity, for why I could fill pages about my insatiable desire for you, even just to be near you, for one second if thatís all I could have. You know, I criticized so much before I met you and now I understand. Sometimes you just know. Every factor can work against our favor but as long as we have that one magical moment, itís enough. When I look into your eyes and we laugh together I know. Why I waited so long for you, I know. I know why we were both at the same place that night, why five years ago we couldnít be together, why I sent you a text message so long ago even though my strategy would dictate not to, why we were hit by that hurricane and the phone connected long enough to let us speak, why we arrived at that New Years party too late. I know now to put my trust in you, because I know you are my one. Youíre the one Iíll change for and grow with. The one for whom Iíll bite my tongue in an argument because Iíd rather be happy than right, the one I always hope is on the other end when my phone rings, the one that makes me smile like a giddy little kid just to hear your voice on the other end. This whole page can be summarized in three meaningful little words, but itís everything I mean every time I say it. It terrifies me to show this to you, but Iím going to because I want you to know me inside and out like I want to know you. Iím going to bite my lip and suck it up and just drop it in your pocket and just hope you donít think Iím too crazy and maybe if Iím lucky youíll agree. I love you more than I can express in one stupid letter. I love you with my whole being, with everything I am and will become, forever.

strike a chord


sendmemoney

:: 2005 27 September :: 12.19am
:: Music: incubus - beware! criminal



okay that's it breathe in deep now hold it hold it that's it hold
them back don't let them fall exhale release it slowly that's it feel
it ? you have control don't cry don't cry you can read it all you
want the words don't offer any more meaning than they did the last
four times although now you have them memorized and just keep thinking about it STOP
it makes no difference to think about it you knew it you laughed at
this outside the 7-11 without so much as a sideways glance ..
relax , finish the joint and repeat it again and a million different
things you could reply but no no no no no nononono
you're not going to do it no matter what


pause and look over your shoulder to the screen
nothing yet.....

go inside and get it all out sit down and enjoy the show .
forgetaboutit there's nothing to think about anymore !
don't answer it don't answer it don't answer it

that is ..
if it even rings.

strike a chord


sendmemoney

:: 2005 26 September :: 8.49pm

i want to think that if i had the capacity , i'd spit in your face , tie your sunglasses to a brick and throw it through your window into everything that matters to you . but even if i had it in me , i wouldn't give you that satisfaction . i know ... no ... i want to know that you're just saying things you don't mean , thinking of the things i'm most sensitive about and attacking me because maybe that last watermelon martini was a little too much to handle . i want to think that this is why . i never want to hear you say it though . i never want to hear you say another word because the last ten million you've said have been running circles in my head for the past three days . i could repeat to you every single letter , every typo , every burning adjective . i want to repeat to you every single letter and watch as your face crumples in when you realize what you said , watch as your stomach twists when you remember what you said in days prior . i want to fly into a rage , kick in your door , take knives to all your furniture , your clothes , your bedsheets , and just torch the place . watch it all burn down in one night from one tiny little flame that escalated to a sea of fire . be what you want me to be to make it easier for you to deal with the fact that you destroyed me . i want to KNOW this is tearing you apart inside . i want more satisfaction than just the fact that i'm trying to be adult about this . i want you ... out of my life for good , memories deleted for that eternal sunshine , so the tears no longer rain down unstoppable while i'm trying to be calm , get ready for work , study for my test . it's the closure that everybody seeks that's really just an excuse to see if he's shed any tears over this , see if he's taken that picture down yet . i don't want that closure . i'm done with you . you've been replaced .

strike a chord


sendmemoney

:: 2005 25 April :: 10.06am
:: Music: counting crows ft. vanessa carlton - big yellow taxi

you should never believe a word that comes out of a man's lips , especially but not limited to if you're sleeping with him . he'll smile and he'll tell you you're not like anyone else he's known but once he has you he won't care anymore . now you're no different and consideration is a thing of the past . his stupid smartass comments beg a long reply best screamed at the top of your lungs but instead you delete that text message and leave yourself a mental note , or perhaps a more physical one , to leave that door locked no matter how badly you want to leave it open and pretend you didn't hear it and act surprised to see him when you have something he wants . but the truth is , it was never really surprising , because you gave it to him with no questions asked or terms specified and it's really just your goddamn fault for being so naive .

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sendmemoney

:: 2005 20 March :: 2.32pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: bright eyes - first day of my life

"i'm glad i didn't die before i met you .
but now i don't care , i could go anywhere with you ..
and i'd probably be happy ."

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 11 February :: 5.20pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: sum 41-pieces

i tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it...
im back!!!


ill try to update this as much as my livejournal.!!


love you all!! <33

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 22 January :: 1.52pm
:: Mood: annoyed

help

so sorry to inform ya'll but im going to use livejournal as my journal unless i can fix how my woohu looks. it seems to say error everytime i try to modify it. hmm. if u can help that wuld be great. if not, check me out at:

www.livejournal.com/~dumbblonde1137

k thanks. <3

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 18 January :: 5.16pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: john mayer

he puts the color inside of my world...

today sucked. it was soo0o0oo cold and i wore a skirt so i froze. 1st hr was lamer than lame. 2nd hr took a test, did horrible. 3rd hr slept. 4th hr was umm..shame? 5th hr did a DBQ. it was kinda easy. 6th hr paid attention actually. 7th hr talked to my-oh-so-rad sub. shes so cool i love her. i wish she was our real teacher...after school hung out with gusto and damian. went home and me, niki, nicole, camila, gustavo and alyssa went to buy nicole a pregnancy test to see if shes preganant. = NEGATIVE. so thats good. and she dumped donnie. yay! <33. came home and yeah. now im stuck here thinking. thats not a good sign...i dont trust myself thinking about things for so long. mayb ill go like hang out with sumone...errr.

later.

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 16 January :: 11.41pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: maroon 5

but things get crazy, living life gets hard to do...


today was ehhh. went to the mall with camila and met up with sam, krisitn, eventually gustavo and jeremy came too. we saw eric and nick. ooo! and i saw johnny nonni! <3 he scared me. lolol. omg we saw this group of guys that looked gay so we followed them into american eagle and sam starts talking to them and they like...i dunno if they're are gay or not. one wasnt for sure cuz he wanted kristin lol. then sams mom took us home to camilas.hung out there. then jeremy, gustavo, chris and max showed up. we all hung out and shit and played pool. it was sorta fun..then sam, chris, and max left. then yeah. then i had to go home at 11:30 and everyone pissed me off anyways. came home in tears but amanda made me feel better! <333. yeah now im tired. so im gunna sleep. peace motherfuckers.

<33 ?

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 15 January :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: my chemical romance

for all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took...


wow tonight was lame. fell asleep for a while and then woke up to eat dinner and my brother like ran away and was missing...whatever. then went to nicoles cuz she needed help with something.. it was funny. she went like freako lesbian on me in the garage lol then we both had to pee so we went to the bathroom, got toilet paper and peed on the side of her house --cuz we're fucking cool like that. hahaha wow we're idiots. it was friggin hilarious. then i went home and yeah. im boreddd.

<33333

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 15 January :: 4.48pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: usher, jon and luda lol

we'll be lovers and friends...


omfg. im so bored. this weekend sucks. camila has to babysit tonight so does nicole. sam got grounded and....? thats like everyone (as sad as that sounds). so im probably not gunna do anything tonight..urghhh.

i guess i'll just keep waiting...

<3

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 14 January :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: none



2nd best day of my life:

my daddy took me and camila to the mall. there was literally no one there. we walked around and shit, talked to protagonist brian. then ate sesame chicken at a japanese place. it was funny. her parents piked us up after we made complete fools of ourselves outside of the mall. then they went to home depot so me and camila walked to ben and jerrys to see if piercing boy really does work there....HE DOES!!! so we went in to buy ice cream and he gave it to us! omg i kept the cup!! LOL. it was beautiful, just like his face. then we ran into danny inman and bryan at blockbuster. me and camila ran across 441 like 90439 times.-almost died once. ran into juliano, got stalked by 12 year olds, climbed a mountain, got asked to smoke pot with sum guys, and stole a ryan cabrera picture. yes.,it was good fun. lol. but im so happy i was piercing boy. i hadnt seen him in 3 weeks... hahahaha.

<333

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dumbblonde1137

:: 2005 14 January :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: lonestarrr.

he called on her on the road jus to hear her say "i love you" one more time...


today sucked. 1st hr was incredibly boring. i slept mostly. butttt ommmg me and hayley were so happy cuz seth simmons (our military dude) finally wrote bak! -but not to us personally...fagggg! 3rd hr is so fucking gay. i hate that class and i hate the ppl in it. mr. adler wuldnt let me sleep. urggh. lunch was lame as usual. 5th hour was boring and yeah. chemistry we had our darling sub again. <3. firedrill. and work that i didnt do. it was pouring after school...ehhh. then kyla got all mad at me cuz she went thru sams shit and read a note i wrote to sam and yeah. personally thats ur problem...u shuldnt have been going thru other ppls shit. whatever. theres so much drama that all i can do is laugh. hahahaha. tonight is going to be lame. cuz i dunno what to do...ehh.

<33

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