:: 2006 26 August :: 4.14 pm

It's been a long time since I did something or had an experience that made me feel anything deeper than the dermis. There is so much stigma associated with the gay lifestyle; promiscuity, immorality, etc. Women are impossibly complicated -- putting two of them together in love and marriage could very well be one of the most difficult things in the world to do. When I told my friend Sandy I was gay she just laughed and said that she knew, then wished me good luck because 'women are crazy!' And how true it is, myself included. I know better than anyone how moody and tempermental I can be. This is a tangent... I wanted to get into my feelings of late; which can change faster than my moods. I guess it's true, and invariably confirmed by friends and others, that love will find you -- smack you in the face -- when you stop looking for it, and when you stop thinking about it, and when you least expect it. When you are wholly yourself and unconcerned about what others think is the time you're most attractive, always. The people who can keep that part of themselves turned on at all times are consistently attractive to all. There are so many things that I want to do with my life.. I'm two-thirds of the way through my qualifying exams. I'm getting in shape for indoor volleyball season. I'm going to be starting my full dissertation research soon, and I'll be traveling to Nashville and NYC to present my work. After I graduate I'm getting a post-doctoral fellowship in England. I need to stop living so much in the now and start thinking about myself, my future, and where I want to go. I refuse to be complacent with my life, and I don't want to be distracted by something that isn't going to have a lasting impact on me, and that may inadvertantly pull me away from acheiving my goals.

penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 20 June :: 8.56 am

There's no excuse, but here's an effort at explanation:
http://www.slate.com/id/2143250/

penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 5 June :: 11.28 am

PRIDE






Everyone knows someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered; many of whom are your close friends and family members. Support their equality this month of Pride.


Oh, and if the constitutional ban on gay marriage passes, I'm calling for a mass exodus. God knows I'm not staying.

4 cents | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 4 June :: 2.38 pm

if it wasn't this, it would be something else
If ever I was to marry a man, Eddie Vedder would be that man. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few weeks ago when they came to Cleveland; unfortunately we were up in the nosebleeds but I didn't have to pay for my ticket so I'm definitely NOT complaining. I vow, however, to see a show one day soon where I can see his face while he sings. The band put on such a great show, there was a guest singer, even the opener was good (My Morning Jacket -- kind of a cross between The Who and Jane's Addiction).

They opened with Better Man; Eddie came out with his guitar and strummed the first few chords...the audience took over from there, singing two full verses before Eddie finally chimed in; and when he did the audience went absolutely nuts. It was a very poignant way to start the show...you felt as connected by your love for the band with the guy in the front row and with the other guy in the nosebleeds hundreds of feet away on the other side of the arena as closely as with the guy sitting right next to you. The next song was Given to Fly, a personal favorite. I thought they took it too fast, but again, I'm not complaining. The only song I wanted desparately to hear but didn't was Elderly Woman...but I'll get over it; he sang an acoustic version of it the last time I saw them that brought me to tears. How do you top that? I might have been disappointed this time around, and nobody wants that.

Of all the concerts I've been to, the audience excitement and willingness to participate was the most palpable here, and I think Eddie felt that too because he interacted with us constantly. Always with his bottles of wine on the stage, between songs he leaned over and poured some into a fan's empty cup. He climbed all over the amplifiers and sang to different sections of the crowd at a time, and on the leap back to the stage fell upon landing but did a graceful tuck-and-roll back to his feet. I wish to God I could remember the song, but during one whose lyrics talked about 'seeing you again,' a light shined down on him from above and he took his guitar and reflected the light so that it turned into a spotlight on the crowd, and he shined it at all of us and sang of seeing us again soon. The light show included the green lasers that fan and cross each other, shooting out at us from the stage. He invited all of us to come and stay at his place in Seattle. He threw frisbees or something in the audience, I couldn't tell. Some guy threw his hat onstage and he grabbed it and wore it for a few songs.

I expected them to end with Rockin in the Free World, as I thought they did for pretty much every concert. But as they turned the lights on at the end of the second encore, and Eddie talked to us about democracy and exercising your rights and the power of voting and activism, he instead shared with us a dream (he said it was from the night before, but who knows if he's been using it at other concerts):

He was at a dinner party with close family and friends, outside in the moonlight. The moon was as big and full as he'd ever seen it, and people were commenting on how beautiful it was. Suddenly, the moon started to shimmer and sparks were flying out of it, like it was going to explode, when rather it imploded and was gone, just like that. There was a moment of amazement and stillness, when he said his dream cut to scenes of world chaos, with people running in the streets and looting and the tides were shifting (I thought it was funny that he was thinking of the tides changing with the disappearance of the moon amidst utter chaos). He stopped there and interpreted his dream for us, likening the moon to democracy and how we think it's this beautiful thing to share with everyone, but in doing so it changes and morphs into something we don't recognize until, poof, it's gone. It was here I fully expected to hear the opening notes to Free World, but instead they played Yellow Ledbetter! Something they hadn't played at the last show here in Cleveland, that everyone had lamented. Here, though, he changed the words and God help me, I couldn't hear them!! I wish that I could have, and am searching the internet to see if someone caught them and thought to write them down. They have bootlegs available online for $10 two days after the concert, so I may have to bust open my penny jar.

It means a lot to have a band that appreciates their gigantic fan base the way they do, who is unafraid to speak out against the tyranny that is this administration, and over all of it makes damn good music. It's amazing to me that more celebrities don't realize the power of their own popularity and put it to use, making changes. I'm not saying that we as individuals are without voice, because I do believe that a single person can accomplish anything with enough passion and discipline; but the pre-established power of celebrity should add fuel to the fire!

I surprise myself even as I write this. I went to my cousin's high school graduation ceremony yesterday, held at the Palace theater in downtown Cleveland (a historic theater, very pretty). As the speakers went through the required nonsense, with everyone from the class president to the principal to the superintendent to the chair of the board of education speaking of dreaming big and accomplishing anything, I couldn't help the sarcastic, depressing comments that ran through my head. I remembered the feelings I had at my graduation; the future holding anything and everything I could think of, and knowing the trueness of the meaning behind those words of encouragement because I had already accomplished so much, and felt as though the world were laid out before me -- I only had to choose which path to take. Now, looking down at the eager young 'adults,' I almost felt sorry for them, because 95% of them were being misled. Most will end up in jobs they don't like or stuck in a loveless marriage or up to their noses in debt. Were the dreamy abstract speeches directed towards the two or three out of four hundred that it might impact? Is it worth that? I suppose that, were they not to receive the inspiration from other sources, then impacting only a few would be worth an extra hour of my time. Hell, the inspired ones may even do something that will positively impact my life someday. I'll feel the pang for the loss of my own naivete for awhile, if it means one of them might take those words to heart and do big things. Maybe I'm just jealous because I'm not doing big things.

2 cents | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 17 March :: 9.51 am

everything about me, according to a myspace bulletin:
---------hazel eyes------------ people with hazel eyes have the best long loving relationships. they're awesome at diversity and trying new things and very rarely will say no to ANY challenge. if you have hazel eyes and repost this you will learn your new favourite technique of catching someone special!


-----------------MAY-----------------
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards oppisite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. If you repost this in the next 5 minutes, you will become close to someone you do not speak to much in the next 4 days.

penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 11 March :: 8.05 pm

goals
1. I will weigh a toned 160lbs. by August 4, 2006.

2. I will put $25 from each paycheck into savings, without fail.

3. I will have all of my debts paid off by the time I graduate in the summer of 2009.

4. I will fall in love with a beautiful woman, get married, and have 3-4 healthy children.

5. I will thoroughly commit myself to my research and studies and be competitive in my field.

1 cent | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 9 March :: 6.12 am

An open window transports me back to Home;
a place where the rain falls not atop the cars and concrete,
but first upon the highest leaf, where it pools and rests a bit
before finding its own Path of Least Resistance, falling.
The tinny pang of the gutters is the song of my childhood;
the frogs keep time as the crickets sing melody.
Half awake I feel the enveloping comfort, until the thoughts begin;
one hundred at a time come pounding behind my eyes.
Six years replay in a flash; enveloping sadness replaces
the comfort that was present nanomoments before.
I am utterly alone, alone in this concrete jungle,
where not even the rain can force this static hardness to grow and flourish.
For what need does the unchanging have for nourishment?
But Lord help me, I do, I do!
God save me, I do.

penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 21 February :: 7.41 am

A forwarded email:
Top 11 Reasons People Think Gay Marriage is Wrong

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage would be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

11) Gay couples are a harmful influence on their kids, because all gay couples abuse their kids, daily.

(one of the saddest parts about our society is that these arguments, before the humorous common sense, are the real reasons why people can't accept gay marriages.)

1 cent | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 8 February :: 10.22 am

Laurence, you've opened Pandora's Box

2 cents | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 7 February :: 4.58 pm

lmao - that's laughing my ass off to you
The extent of Ashleigh's mathematical knowledge:

1 cent | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 3 February :: 10.11 am

pssssscccch this is a test, this is only a test.

Good old Marty, why did you dump your spaghetti on the table?? Silly.



Is this not the best lookin' dog you've ever seen!



Ok he may be good looking but he's dumber than a box of rocks :)

penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 27 January :: 10.45 am
:: Mood: tired

seasonal affected disorder is kicking in early this year
My parents crack me up. I leave song lyrics, passages of poetry, and quotes from famous people up on my AIM away messages; some I choose for my mood, some for their profundity, some just for the beauty of the writing. The only computer I have with an internet connection is at work (and my parents know this), so from roughly 7pm til 8am, I'M NOT THERE, but my parents still try to IM me. When my away message pops up with whatever piece of writing, they freak out because it's often a message of deep love, deep sadness, deep whatever, and they jump to the conclusion that I'm depressed and ready to kill myself. Silly parents. I may be depressed here and there (who isn't?), but I like living and plan on doing it for awhile.

I wish very much that I could speak another language fluently! America is this big giant cruise ship plowing through anything and everything, mindful only of its own existence, while the smaller European, African, Asian, Middle Eastern countries are sea creatures, constantly in contact with each other; not always getting along but surrounded by diversity. So I took four years of German in high school and two in college, I can write it pretty decently but speaking is another story (true for my English also though!), and my vocabulary is deteriorating exponentially with the passage of time. I bought instructional CDs awhile ago and actually used them a few times, but since then they've been collecting dust on my shelf. But now, now I have a little incentive! I've been offered a trip to Italy, Greece, Croatia, and Romania upon graduation! You'd better say your goodbyes, because once there, I seriously doubt my return (and with that adjective 'seriously,' I mean absolutely not joking). So I've been given instructional Italian CDs and will work rigorously and tirelessly until my Italian is so smooth, you'd never know I was Irish. I will experience new things, damnit, even if it kills me.

Sigh. America. How could a land based on such wonderfully sound principles end up as such a disappointment? I need to look up the average reign of world 'superpowers.' It seems like our time is dwindling down; my guess is that China will be next. Their economy has grown by incredible amounts on an alarmingly consistent basis for the last decade, at least. I was talking to my mom about it and she's not too worried because she's convinced that Jesus will return before then. That's nice, but people have been waiting for it for the last 2000 years; say your prayers but don't hold your breath. I want to shake her and somehow show her that there's a world outside of Niles, Michigan. Her lack of desire for new experiences is baffling and exasperating. If I ever get to the point where I sit in my hovel without life or spirit waiting patiently for death to take me, just kill me and get it over with.

1 cent | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2006 10 January :: 5.23 pm
:: Mood: envious

the friendly alternative to smoking
I was talking to a fellow biomed grad student today in the cafeteria lunch line, and I asked him casually, "What's new?" He answered morosely, "My life is boring. I come work in the lab every day, go home alone every night, eat, sleep, and repeat." I laughed and joked, "Hey, that's the life of every graduate student in the country I think." It's mostly true, I think, but partly not. Most grad students are grad students because they have an above-average interest in their subject matter, and enjoy learning about it so much as to devote their lives to the academia and literature that is generated by so many other graduate-students-turned-PhDs. Every once in awhile, maybe more often than I believe, you'll get someone who is a grad student because it seemed like the next logical step to take, and they weren't sure where else to go. Enter Ashleigh.

I have to laugh at that a little bit. Sure, every now and then I'll get excited about what I do. Knowing things and impressing my advisor do give me a little thrill, but I emphasize the word little. I know that I'm an intelligent person, and that if I had the drive and focus I'd be at the top of my class and publishing paper upon paper. But in all honesty I consider life outside the lab and office to be of so much more import that my title of 'graduate student' often takes a backseat. At least within my own mind. I still work the 12 hour days and study and read constantly. But lurking behind every article titled 'Effects of IL-1B and ascorbic acid on bovine chondrocyte extracellular matrix gene expression' is the desire to drop it all and play at a dueling piano bar in the Florida Keys; to run away to Italy and live above a violin shop, sipping coffee on my balcony overlooking the piazza; to fall in love and get married and have four beautiful babies. When I tell people what I do, they're always impressed and give me such credit for being 'so disciplined and driven.' Ha, if they only knew!

Now I've given away my secret, though there's only one person I know of who actually reads my journal. I trust him so I think I'm pretty safe. But to my labmates, I keep my desires hidden because I think they wouldn't approve. Sometimes I feel like I live a double life, because I see and work with these people day after day, yet they know so little about who I really am. Compounded upon that is my homosexuality, which I have not yet revealed to them only because the personal closeness isn't there. It's still a working relationship, though I think I will eventually tell my lab technician and the other graduate student in my lab. I see eventual friendship with both, they're wonderful people. But for now, it's my good friend that I went to see a movie with, my good friend that stayed the night.

Ah, love. I can feel my heart wrenching with the desire to bury my head in the neck of the woman I love. To be wholly cared about is a feeling I haven't experienced in so long. If I've been with someone who did, then I didn't allow the feeling to wash over me like I used to. I have doubts that I ever will again. To do so would be to expose my naked and raw self to hurt. Right now there are sheaths around my heart so thick and fibrous you'd need a machete and Chuck Norris to get through them. I don't think I locked up my heart consciously, it occurred without my knowledge or permission. Now I don't know how to get through it and back to the beating, pulsating center of my being.

Will it take being swept off my feet to break the barriers? God, I hope so.

4 cents | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2005 22 December :: 8.09 am

slate.com, on the religious right's push to get Christ back in Christmas
When so many of the religious groups they belong to today, didn't want him there in the first place a couple hundred years ago:

http://www.slate.com/id/2132387/nav/tap1/

1 cent | penny for your thoughts?

:: 2005 15 December :: 3.03 pm
:: Mood: blank

ashleigh...updating? what? you can't be serious
'Hello friends and fans! Have you been dying to hear from me?'

'YES!!!!!!!!!'

'Well wait no longer my dears! Welcome back to the circus.'

I wish I had time to read and enjoy poetry. The beauty of leisure is that when the fancy for doing something strikes you, you can stop what you're doing and follow your fancy along as far as it wants to go. In the real world, any fancy that comes along and smacks you in the face has to wait until you're done working and by the time you get to it, it has long since passed and you're too tired to do it anyway so you might as well flip on the boob-tube and let your mind melt into mush while watching a rerun of 'Friends.' I wrote a poem once, at 2am or some silly hour like it, and posted it on here. I rather enjoyed the writing of it and would like that part of me to blossom and mature into something great. It was the first poem I had ever written, aside from the forced poetry of high school that I wrote during the lunch hour before class on the back of a napkin. I have a deep love and respect for the true poets of the world past and present, and I would relish taking the time to acquire a reading base for each of them. It's so polar opposite of the world I work in that I feel like I'm in the wrong place sometimes. But I realize that it's just the way I am: I have a poetic soul and a logical brain; my soul longs for the poetry my brain cannot create, so my brain allows my soul to appreciate the lyrical artwork of others.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm directly descended from the first 'witch' hung at the Salem witch trials? I tell people this, and that I've inherited some of her powers, and we have a good laugh. Sometimes I wonder though. Maybe I can feel certain energies, or maybe it's God giving me a little nudge in the right direction. I say all this half in jest, even though I'm absolutely sure that if we took all the 'coincidences' and compared them to a control, there would definetely be statistical significance way below the standard P<0.001. Or maybe I'm one of those schizophrenics who thinks that they're Jesus Incarnate.

I have one more exam tomorrow morning (at 7:45am, the cruelty of it) before I'm nearly free. Free in that instead of taking classes, teaching, and working in the lab, I'll not have to take classes or teach but work double time in the lab. Which suits me just fine, thank you very much. Next semester I only have to take one class, a seminar, and research hours, I'm thrilled. It's going to be a very concentrated, integrated skeletal biology course taught in part by my advisor, and by the other professors doing their research in the skeletal biology field. Which means, in case you couldn't infer, that I have to kick this class's ass into next century and get an A+++. I'm not going to think about it yet, I still have an exam to take for this semester. But in actively not thinking about something you still reinforce it, you know? I just can't win.

The poetic spirit has left me, in case you couldn't tell. I went from talking about poetry to witches to school. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. I've been putting off studying all day, so I might as well go do it now while my brain has taken over. Dry sorrow drinks our blood, adieu, adieu.

penny for your thoughts?