2004 3 June :: 1.11 pm
i just had the weirdest dream i think i have ever had. it started with me watching a movie with one of my ex-girlfriends and she said it was "the most important movie ever made". Next thing i know im in the movie as the main character. Im in a parling lot in my car and this guy comes up to me and tries to rob me, but the parking lot is on a big slant so i just push ion the clutch and roll away and then im driving throug ha bunch of empty parking lots by Kmart and stuff like that, but my car just won't go. So i jump out and run onto a building and its really weird with lots of little sets of stairs and stuff, hard to describe. So im running through there and i see this girl and i start chasing her but my feet are never touching the ground, im just pulling myself everywhere with my hands. I come into this room with this giant thing that looks like a skyscraper sorta but its black with a big red grid over it and a smaller white grid on it too..she starts climbing up the side of it, i touch it and realize its kind of inflateble or something..like latex maybe, and i start climbing it too, so we get to the top and i look into it and i see Blade (the vampire guy) running up the inside of this thing towards me. So i grab the edge and rip it and jump off, tearing it all the way down to the floor again and im running like i was before not really running but pulling myself with my arms through the stairs and shit. Until i come to a room with a TV and there is Jayme (the ex girlfriend i was watching the movie with) and shes like "This movie really doesn't make sense until the get to the planet Bogle." and i realize what this building i've been in is. Its a fucking art college for comic book characters. Blade..the girl was Catwoman, i was sitting next too The Mad Hatter, but he had on a smock with paint stains and stuff..the were everywhere.
then i woke up.
now im eating cookies and milk for breakfast.
i think its going to be a good day.
2004 28 May :: 4.27 pm
words can't even tell you..but i did one of the most amazing things of my entire life so far..just..wow.
2004 24 May :: 11.05 am
i got new car last night.
'94 suzuki Sidekick. and its a 5 speed too!
i guess i was smiling alot.
2 . |
2004 22 May :: 5.01 pm
i'm screaming your name in my head
can you hear it?
2004 15 May :: 7.34 pm
maybe im going crazy but..
my body and mind scream for the sight of you, my soul aches for you to be with me right now, everything my eyes see relate to you..im madly in love with you and i couldn't get away from it even if i wanted to. i just want to be with you all the time, and if i was, i don't think either of us would ever grow tired of each others company.
i want you with me so bad. its all i've been thinking about since i woke up..just like every other second of every other day. a routine that i don't feel like im trapped in because i put myself into it willingly and i love it i love it i love it i love it i love you.
"please don't tear away from me, i need someone to hold on to"
not that im worried, its just this NIN song that is really cool.
and the phone just rang as i was typing this..and it was you.
everything is everything.
i love you
2004 13 May :: 10.47 pm
if i could pick a time to die, it would be now.
thats in a good way.
my entries are really short lately..hmm.
2004 12 May :: 8.11 pm
i can't stop metacognating
2004 8 May :: 10.44 pm
its not what you think.
i would never give up.
i would rather die.
2004 7 May :: 11.20 pm
don't get me wrong, i still feel amazing...
..but i want to tear out my fucking hair.
nothing is ever enough for me because i stupid stupid bastard.
1 . |
2004 6 May :: 10.39 pm
i am the highest i have ever been.
and nothing will ever bring me down from this.
thus, i welcome myself to the rest of my life.
2004 5 May :: 8.57 pm
On the edge she took one last look around, then closed her eyes and pushed away..speeding toward the ground..through the air without a sound.
michelle, you are amazing. even though i already told you that, i want you and everyone that reads this to know something else..
MICHELLE FRASER IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME AMAZING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL ARTISTIC EXAMPLES OF THE HUMAN RACE I HAVE EVER KNOWN OR EVER WILL KNOW.
and i love her. She is like the cool sister i never had. the one that is interested in pretty much the exact same stuff i am..and one of the only people in this town that can relate to alot of my experiances.
now that you all know that, i would like to present to you something i wrote today..it doesn't have a name.
This eye...this eye has seen a thousand different faces on a thousand different people. This eye has seen through the fake exterior of those people and gazed into their hearts and souls. And the eye shut itself as it looked inside the hearts and souls, because it saw the coldness that is harbored in the hearts of men and women, and it saw the empty shells that they call their souls. This eye has seen the petty violence and the hatred and the racism and the ignorance and the all consuming lust for paper and coins...it saw all these things that dominate the minds of the weak.
The weak ones. The ones who can't think because their heads are over flowing with the garbage that is force fed to them by televison and radio and the internet. The weak ones, the ones who couldn't take just one minute out of their busy schedule of allowing themselves to be controlled, to stop and actually think. The weak ones let their heads get so full of trash that it flows out of their ears in rivers and spalshes on the sidewalk. Then it runs through gutters of the cities and pollutes the water and contaminates the dirt that so that even the helpless, innocent earthworms cannot escape the ever tightening grasp of the hand that is wrapped around the throats of today's youth.
It's their hand around our throats, and you all know exactly who I'm fucking talking about. Their hands never loosen their grasp. Their mouths never stop the incessent preaching that tells you who you should be. Their eyes refuse to see the ones that attempt to disassociate themselves from "The Pack", and the never ending cries, the cries for change and revolution that come from the mouths of those who lust for it and need it the most...those cries crash against their deaf ears, and fall to the ground where they are stomped into oblivion by their shiny black boots.
None of us want to go unseen, and none of us want to go unheard, but time and time again it proves impossible for the free soul to be heard. No one hears us in this land of the silenced minority, this land of "liberty" where they try to enslave your mind, this land of fashion, MTV, sex, conservitives, and never ending greed.
But you know what? I say fuck "impossible". I will fight. I will fight until the day I fucking die, and I want everyone here tonight to fight with me. We will be a rebellious collective of poets and artists, musicians and writers, drinkers, lovers, fighters, drug users and abusers. A collective of individuals so hellbent on making our voices heard, that no matter how hard they try not see us, and no matter how hard they try not to see us, and no matter how hard they try to push us down, choke us out, and stomp our brains into the ground, they will fail. And oh how sweet that failure will taste.
Like a great man before me, I have a dream. I will live for this dream, this dream of the invasion of individuality in the cold conservitive machine we call "society". I will live everyday of my life for this dream, and I will die any day of my life for this dream.
Above all though, I hope and pray that I will not be fighting this fight alone.
WE ARE THE REVOLUTION!
I've always wanted to write a book..most people do..but i could never decide on a subject, and its really hard for me to write about one subject at any length because my mind jumps all over the place. So if i want to make a book, i think im going to take all my things i've written, and will probably continue to write over the next few years, things in the vein of this one..individuality, robotic socity, etc etc. And combine them into one big book..with like an index..kind of like a poetry book , but essays and stories and stuff like that, all written by me. i think that would be cool..
thats all i have.
i love you.
i love you too michelle.
1 . |
2004 30 April :: 8.02 am
by pedro The Lion
Paramedics, brave and strong
up before the break of dawn
putting poker faces on
broken bodies all day long
the neighbors heard a fight
someone had a knife
it must have been the wife
the husband's lost a lot of blood
he wakes up screaming "oh my god"
Am I gonna die?
Am I gonna die?
as they strapped his arms down to his sides
in times like these they've been taught to lie
"buddy just calm down, you'll be alright"
several friends came to his grave
his children were so well behaved
as the priest gone up to speak
the assembly craved relief
but he himself not giving up
So instead he offered them this bitter cup
you're gonna die
we're all gonna die
Could be 20 years, could be tonight
Lately I have been wondering why
We go to so much trouble
To postpone the unavoidable
And prolong the pain of being alive
1 . |
2004 28 April :: 10.02 pm
send me your flowers of december..send me your dreams, even if you can't remember
weird coincedances..however you spell that.
entry in my journal from May 3rd, 2003..
"i had a moment of pure relaxation today..just..it was perfect..The Longest Winter by Pedro The Lion playing in the background, driving down the east beltline, hitting every green light..ciggarette smoke casually drifting across my dash..perfect."
comment by marisa:
"that's gonna make me cry...
my dear child, you just had your first written Happy Thought (at least your first one comparable to my last two....ha.)"
I remember that day..i had just started working at The Corner bar around that time..i started driving then too..maybe a little earlier.
Those were the days of Jayme and lots of weed and no worries and skateboarding and all sorts of shit..the recovery from the summer before that, which is something id rather forget sometimes...
But there i was, driving to jaymes, while high, going to smoke with her for our first time doing it together, and her first period. and i thought i was the happiest i had ever been.
and here i am today..and im happier. by a long shot.
The pavement hums beneath the tires. Speeding like a freight train through the darkened back roads. My mind was everywhere and yet completely focused on driving the car at the same time. Yes..driving, my old love, how I missed thee. Kashmir by Zepplin is blaring. I'm thinking about how I probably got a job tonight. I'm thinking about how I'm going to have a car that I can drive whenever I want as long as there's gas. I thinking about how Michelle and I finally got to hang out outside of school, and how good that makes me feel because I knew she was getting tired of being stuck at home all the time, and I know how that goes. I'm thinking about the sky, the stars, the breeze, the warmth.
"My shangri-la beneath the summer moon, I will return again
Sure as the dust that floats high and true, when moviní through kashmir."
And all of this combined into a beautiful perfect moment, and in my head I saw your smile, your eyes, your cute little cheeks, your hair..your everything. And I knew you were mine.
And i was the happiest I had ever been.
I love you.
2 . |
2004 26 April :: 10.00 pm
im just great.
you scared me twice. in one day. don't do that please.
i stared at the ceiling for a long time.
i thought for a long time...and i thought about other girls that have been in and out of my life..all of them..any girl i had ever seen or talked to or thought about or anything.
and you beat them all. by an infinite amount of points..if i was assigning point values that is.
you're the one.
i love you.
2004 25 April :: 4.15 am
here is something i wrote tonight. its about the last time i did acid.
LSD saved me from those who didn't want me to be me.
I don't know if you knew this, but that candy you gave me was the best I ever had. I don't know if you even remember, but that night we talked for 4 or 5 hours. Those 4 or 5 hours contained a lifetime of thought. Those hours will be encapsulated in my mind for as long as I live. We talked about getting into heaven, and how when the people who worked at the shelters described it, it sounded like a board game or something. We talked about being homeless, and how quickly you learned all the little tricks to make it bearable. I was split into pieces that night though, because while we were talking I was having conversations with several different versions of myself. In the midst of all that conversation and inner monolouge I finished my journey to the top of Mazlow's pyramid. SELF ACTUALIZATION. Standing high atop that pyramid, I knew the meaning of my life...the age old cliche of those who enjoy the occasional chemical induced expansion of the mind. I don't care if it's cliche though, because my life wasn't meant for me to worry. My life doesn't exist to have someone tell me how I should live it. My life...My life was meant for me to live it. I was meant to play music and do drugs and write and smoke ciggarettes and actually find the girl that I can officially call my other half and finally decide that anyone that tries to stop any of this is going to realize that now they have one less friend, one less brother, one less son. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you any of this that night, but after all those thoughts crossed my mind, I became completely entranced by what appeared in front of me.
A stone pillar, obviously the remenant of some ancient culture. I could tell it was ancient because there were vines wrapped around it and moss and vegetation were growing out of cracks in the rock. There was a group of people crowded around the pillar and I realized it must be an idol representing the god that created them. I knew they weren't worshipping the idol because I could see the tears flowing from their eyes and I could tell by the tone of their cries that they were desperate cries for forgiveness...and the longer I watched, the more I came to know about the people and their creator. They were begging to be forgiven and spared the punishment he was going to inflict on them. They were being punished because they had committed one of the greatest sins in the eyes of their god. They had done nothing with their lives other than dedicate them to worshiping him. He didn't want them to be the self enslaved blind followers they had become. He didn't want them to spend their whole lives praying and worshiping. He wanted them to utilize the mind they had been given and embrace the beauty and the challange and the hardships and the joy of being a completely unique organism capable of free thought and the ability question its own existance.
I'm eternally grateful for those hours we spent together that night. Talking with you opened my eyes to alot, but inside I had thoughts and ideas and realizations I didn't even know I was capable of having. I completely changed my perspective on the existance of some form of a higher power that night, and I decided that I was going to follow through on that idea of "living life for the sole purpose of being alive" for the rest of my life.
I don't know if you remember that night, but I do. I remember how it changed me.
And I remember how I have remained changed.
And I can never be the same friend.
And I can never be the same enemy.
And I can never be the same lover.
And I can never be the same brother.
And I can never be the same son.
And I can never be the same.
so yeah..thats that.
I'll talk more tomorrow, im kind of typed out right now.
1 . |
2004 19 April :: 10.25 pm
Excuse me Mister..do you have the time? Or are you so important that its standing still?
for the record, it was the best sleep i have ever had.
your head in that little crook where my arm joins the rest of my body and your arm across my chest..i could have died happy on that bed today.
the music faded out and felt myself falling into a deep peaceful sleep..finally one where i didn't throw myself around the bed for 20 minutes before i passed out.
i really can't wait to leave. today just epitamized everything i want out of life..just complete and total comfort with someone i love. it was just perfect..perfect.
i could have died happy on that bed today.
i love you.
2004 18 April :: 11.03 pm
"A synonym of filth, loneliness, cheap booze, drugs, and disease."
- Come Before Winter by Charles R. Swindoll
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 36.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions
have more i want to write..but not right now
i love you
2004 15 April :: 9.42 pm
you always had the blondest hair. Chlorine has stripped the pigment from your skin. The cash was worth the fucking change. At the pool from open to close. Rake the bottom for loose change. A job that got him his luxurious house and cars but it probably lead to his divorce. Its probably the reason why his son hates him. Now your blood is so toxic with chlorine that you only have 3 months to live. Was the change worth it? Was the divorce worth it? You will never see your son again.
that song makes sense to me now..
i don't think anyone will ever understand why..but it just does..though it has nothing to do with me or my life.
i love you.
and michelle, i love you.
i won't forget anything.
except where i put your purple lighter. and im sorry for that.
it will all turn out fine.
3 . |
2004 13 April :: 5.26 pm
it hurts to see you when you are like that.
2004 8 April :: 11.05 pm
the sunlight, the grass, the cool dirt, the people..its all my sanctuary.
i don't like church..it feels too..fake. I can understand how it would help people and everything, and im not bashing it, but i just don't feel it. I feel closer to god when im sitting in a park with the sun shining and the grass beneath my feet. And this whole god thing is new to me anyways. Sure i went through the motions when i was younger, but i really didn't know what the fuck i was doing. Which is why when i decided to go agaisnt everything my parents wanted me to do, i stopped believing in god, because i didn't REALLY believe in the first palce, i just didn't know anything else.
But i feel him now, and its cool.
And when i look at molly, or touch her or think about her or anything, i know he is there. because thats what she is. a gift from god, for me. and thats why i love her, plus a million other reasons...
and alexisonfire rocked out except their set was short and they had to leave right after it. but i got a cool shirt.
i can't wait to get to the beach.
i love you.
4 . |
2004 5 April :: 2.22 pm
Its been 10 years since the death of a generation.
so that was the night eh?
me running around screaming "We are the revolution" with my shirt off and completly drunk..a man much older than me asking me where he could get some coke and im just trying to help him out but i can't..video games and wires..saying im not going to drink cheap liquor but once you're drunk it doesn't matter what it is, it all tastes the same...josh waking me up up at 6:30 in the fucking morning to say "hey lets go back to my house and go back to sleep.." then i almost burn his house down because i was still a little dunk and i just dropped the ciggarette into ashtray instead of putting it out..
it was a fun night..to just totally not care about anything. its nice.
i love you.
2004 31 March :: 11.05 pm
and after 43 hours of being awake...he decided to rest.
Ryan and I played tonight..he picked up bass like it was nothing, it was really cool. I've never played with a bass before, it really adds alot.
thats all..im tired.
i love you.
1 . |
2004 29 March :: 7.41 pm
one day im going on about how im the happiest i've ever been in my entire life, then literally the next day i seriously don't want to be alive anymore.
maybe its this sinus infection and the constant pain in my face that is caused by it..but i just really have a bleak outlook on everything right now..
i don't know.
i just feel like its never going to work.
6 . |
2004 27 March :: 11.52 am
I'm only 17, but I feel like I've lived at least two lives. I could tell stories for hours. The places I've been, the people I've met, the drugs I've done, tales of past heartbreaks and maybe a one night stand or two...I could go on and on about the trials and tribulations that one goes through while growing up in a modern America. An America that is cornerstoned by the corporation and the little guy. An America that respects the power of religion, yet it is not welcome in our society that bows to the minority. An America based on accumulating wealth without even realizing that wealth just continues the cycle of violence and inhumanity. An America that preaches about the importance of "individualism"...until you reach maturity and are expected to join the middle class army of white and blue collar workers. Be free for awhile, but then you have to wake up and face what you are told is reality. Which is get a wife, get a nice house in the suburbs, have 2.3 kids and raise them so that they believe that their main goal in life is to do what their parents did and become a strong upstanding member of the blind mechanical preprogrammed society.
But to me, thats not living. Thats being told what living is, and who in the right mind would think that they have the right to tell me, or you, or anyone how to go about the process of living life and being exactly what you want to be?
In my opinion, living to fit the mold that society tries to force you into from the day you are born is not what I would consider living at all.
To me, "living" is struggling for what you believe in until you've made your voice heard or you've died trying. "Living" is being as happy as you can possibly be. "Living" is going where you want to go, when you want to go there, and doing exactly what you want to do when you get there. "Living" is climbing to the top of the highest building in the biggest city and screaming your thoughts and opinions at the top of your lungs without giving a fuck about the fact that someone out there probably hates you and everything you stand for.
Being famous and making millions by writing a book, painting a picture, or making a song isn't what matters. What matters is that someone out there might read that book, look at that painting, or hear that song, and connect with it and feel exactly what you felt when you created it. Open your eyes and ears so that you can look at and listen to your mind. Then maybe you will realize that your mind is a loaded gun, and someone out there is willing to take the bullet.
3 . |
2004 22 March :: 7.52 pm
yeah, my nose is comletely clogged.
I went and saw the The Reverend Horton Heat this weekend..he is the greatest guitarist alive, if not ever. Seeing him live again just proved it..i mean, it was one of the greatest experiances i have ever had. He is just so laid back while pulling out these amazing guitar solos, its just second nature to him. I saw charlie too, we hung out a bit but he got drunk and fell asleep and i mostly talked to his buddy Ken all night, hes pretty cool.
what i write may not be revolutionary or amazing, but at least its mine and im making the point i want to make.
i love you.
1 . |
2004 3 March :: 10.28 pm
its nice to know that i can be in the best mood ive been in in a long time, be brought down, then put in an even better mood just because i looked at molly.
2004 1 March :: 10.43 pm
i have so much i want to say..to alot of people
that would probably hurt alot of feelings..
i can't do it.
1 . |
2004 29 February :: 11.08 pm
some guy is rapping so fast i can't even understand what he is saying
i saw the passion of the christ this morning.
everyone should see it, unless you can't handle seeing an innocent man beat and tortured by what should have been his own followers.
and you are everything.
everything i could want or need or even dream about.
i love you.
2004 24 February :: 8.36 pm
sad like winter leaves
no not really
i'm pretty happy.
my mom said to me today "matt, did you ever think about quitting smoking pot...its seems like you have no motivation anymore, no direction in life." so i looked at her and i said
"After the play is over im getting a job and im buying a car, then im going to save up most of money and use that money and the money i get from my open house to take molly to california for a while, then im going to come back, move up to big rapids, get a job there and start saving up more money and when im ready im going to go to CC and take some music theory classes and sound engineering classes, and if im not making it in the music business on my own by then, ill find a band that needs a sound guy or do something with sound engineering."
1 . |
2004 19 February :: 9.26 pm
won't you give a man a home
sometimes i can get so impatient for the future that i can't enjoy the present.
maybe thats my problem.
for the past 3 years all i've wanted to do is get out, and when i got out, i came back, and i want to get out again.
this time im not going to fuck it up though.
when i leave this time, its going to be right..i can wait for that. this time ill have my own place so i won't come home when its too cold to sleep outside.
but for now im stuck here. what to do..its not even worht it to start a band..i really think i want to get into a solo thing..i just need my acoustic and maybe some bongos..and a working microphone for my computer..i could lock myself in this room and make an album...maybe let molly in sometimes to sing and let her know im alive. but other than that i would come out 4 weeks a new man..its what i need..i just need to make something completely original.